The Honeymooners (1955) s04e27 Episode Script

Head of the House

With the stars and Good morning, ladies.
Can I ask you some questions, please? ( giggling ) Excuse me, sir.
My name is Dick Pres I beg your pardon, sir.
I'd, uh I'd, uh, like very much to have a few moments of your time if you don't mind.
I realize both of you gentlemen are on your way to work this morning, but my name is Dick Prescott.
I'm the "questioning photographer.
" Oh, oh, oh, "questioning photographer," eh? Why, I read your interviews in the paper every night, boy.
It's good.
I wouldn't miss it.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
You had, you had a good question there one night last week.
Must have caused a lot of controversy.
Oh, th-that must have been the one on whether or not the U.
should outlaw the H-bomb.
No, No.
This one was: "Which one is more authentic, "the Canasi or Weehawken style of mambo"? Would you get on with what you want us to do here? 'Cause we're a little late as it is.
Yes, yes.
Would you mind answering today's question and letting me take your picture? Well, yeah, it'd be a privilege and a pleasure.
Would you like a "profeel" or a "proface"? No, no, we'll, uh, we'll get to that in a moment.
First, your name.
Edward L.
"Edward L.
" And, uh, your occupation? I'm an engineer.
" In subterranean sanitation.
Um, and, uh ( clears throat ) Where do you live, Mr.
Norton? I live in the garden spot of the world, Brooklyn, U.
Norton, today's question is: I'd be very happy to answer that question.
Am I boss in my household? I am the boss of the household.
I think that any man that is afraid of his wife is not a man.
And I can't stress this point too strongly: That a husband is the boss.
Don't quote me, because if my wife reads that, she'll kill me.
But if I don't quote you, how can I print it? Can't you just use my picture? Well, Norton, you just proved to me something that I suspected about you for a long time.
What? You're afraid of Trixie.
Oh, wait a minute.
You're in no position to talk to me like that.
No, no.
You're not inferring All I know, pal, is that if he had asked me that question, I would have said without hesitation that I am the boss in my household.
I'm the one that gives the orders.
I'm the one that makes all the decisions.
Huh, on the day we were married, I said two things.
One: I do.
Two: I'm the boss.
Pardon me, sir.
What is your name? Ralph Kramden.
"Ralph Kramden.
" ( scoffs ) Mr.
Kramden, I'm going to print what you just said there.
Okay? Go ahead, go ahead, go, go, go, answer him.
Go ahead, big shot.
Go on, go on.
Huh! Go ahead and print it.
He's a bus driver and he lives in Brooklyn.
"Bus driver in Brooklyn.
" Now let me see.
Just hold that.
Thank you very much, Mr.
You'll be in tonight's paper.
Good-bye, men.
( snickering ) ( chortling ) What are you laughing at? I'm just, I'm just picturing what you're gonna look like in a French foreign legion uniform.
Are you trying to tell me that I'm afraid of Alice? I know you.
We're buddies for a good long time, Ralph.
I know you pretty good.
Now, Just take a little advice.
Get on a phone and call that newspaper and tell them to hold the presses, stop the presses and don't print that statement.
Oh, no.
Not me, Norton.
That's the kind of a thing you'd do, but not me, and that's the difference between us, Norton.
That's the difference.
I am a boss.
You are a mouse.
Well, I got one more thing to say.
I'd rather be a live mouse than a dead boss.
Hiya, honey.
Is supper ready? No, Ralph, it'll be a little while before it's ready.
Do you want to give me the evening paper, darling? 'Cause I just want to take a look at that contest.
Oh, I I didn't bring the evening paper home tonight.
Well, you always bring the evening paper home.
That's right.
I always bring it home.
But from now on, that paper is never entering this house.
Why? Why? I'll tell you why.
I don't like its editorial policy, that's why.
Well, Ralph, what's wrong with its editorial policy? They just cut out Orphan Annie.
Now listen, Ralph.
You know perfectly well that I've been following that puzzle contest.
Well, never mind.
It'll be a little while before supper's ready, so I'll just run down to the corner and get one.
You will do nothing of the kind.
That paper is not getting into this house, Alice.
Hey, Ralphie Boy! It's in the paper.
There it is.
Everything you said, word for word.
Look at that.
Ralph's picture? What did he say? Didn't the head of the household show it to you? There it is, right in there.
Out! Get out! How could you, Ralph? How could you? Five men, Ralph.
Five men answered this question and you were the only one to make an idiotic statement like that.
Why, Ralph? Why? Because I was the only one brave enough to make that idiotic statement, that's why.
Ralph, do you think if they'd asked me that question, I would have said that I was the boss? How could you? How could you, Alice? You're a woman, remember that.
Women aren't bosses.
Men are bosses.
They do it all.
Men run this world, Alice.
They are responsible for the shape the world's in.
Well, I'm sure glad to hear one of you admit it.
It just kills you, don't it? It just kills you that you're a woman.
That instead of being a leader like a man, you gotta be a follower.
That's what women are, you know.
They've done it all.
Done it all.
All the great inventions.
Men have done all the great things since the beginning of time.
I'll give you a perfect example.
There'd be no America if it wasn't for Christopher Columbus.
There'd be no Christopher Columbus if it wasn't for his mother.
Now I'm gonna tell you something, Ralph.
I am never gonna refer to that ridiculous article again.
But I want you to understand something once and for all.
There never was, and there never will be a boss in this house.
Now let me straighten you out about something.
There has been, there is, and there always will be a boss in this house and that boss is me.
I'm glad Norton brought the paper down.
I'm glad you saw it, because today is the day that I was emancipated.
I'm the boss, Alice! And you might as well get it into your head.
And I'm glad about it! Very glad I'm the boss.
Very glad that you know it.
Practically calls for a celebration.
I'm gonna celebrate.
Is that bottle of wine that I was supposed to give your brother for Christmas still in the closet? Yeah.
Well, then watch this.
What do you think you're gonna do, Ralph? You'll find out what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna celebrate.
I'm gonna drink it.
Ralph, you're not gonna drink that wine.
I certainly am.
Ralph, you know what drinking does to you.
Now, one drink of that, Ralph, and you'll be just so deathly sick, you won't even be able to go to work tomorrow.
Are you kidding? Drinking doesn't affect me.
Oh, no? Then how about the time we ate in that Hungarian restaurant, you had a two-day hangover from a slice of rum cake? Now, you're not touching that bottle, Ralph.
Don't you ever tell me not to touch anything in this house.
Just make sure you don't touch anything in this house.
Now I'm going up and getting my pal Norton who I rudely threw out of here, and he's coming down to celebrate the emancipation.
How do you like that? Ralph, what did you say to my puddin'? For once, Trixie, you're right.
I was out of place when I said anything to Norton.
What did you throw him out of here for? Because I made a mistake.
I'm very happy now that he came down here and brought this whole thing to a head, because now she knows it and I know it, and you know it-- I'm the boss of this house, and Norton's the boss of his house.
And I'm going up, bringing him down.
We're gonna celebrate the emancipation.
Ha! Ha! ( door slams ) Alice, what is this all about? Here.
This appeared in tonight's paper.
Now Ralph's out to prove that he's the head of the house, and he's making a test case out of it.
He's going to get Norton to bring him down here and they're gonna drink this bottle of wine.
Oh, this is terrible.
Oh, what am I gonna do, Trix? I can't let Ralph drink that.
We'll have to think of something or they'll both get sick.
I got it.
Wh-Wh-What good'll that do? They'll just go out and buy another bottle.
Oh, no they won't.
I'm gonna fill this bottle up with grape juice.
Grape juice? Won't Ralph know it's grape juice? Oh, of course not.
Take this a sec.
Ralph? Not the kind of drinker he is.
Here, Trix.
He'll never even know the difference.
And besides, the bottle is still gonna smell like wine.
Say, I'd better fill it all the way up.
The only trouble is, do you think Ed'll know the difference? Oh, don't worry about him.
He gets tipsy from reading the label.
Besides, Alice, I think all they're really interested in is having one drink just to prove that they can get away with it.
You know what I mean? Yeah.
Now let me just get rid of this.
Put it over here.
RALPH: Come on, my pal.
Right this way.
Out of the way, girls.
Some men are gonna to do some drinking.
Sit down there, pal.
Thank you.
Clear the field.
Ooh, nice-looking bottle of wine there.
Norton, I propose a toast.
The first toast to my wife, who finally has found her place.
Ha, ha! Ah A little strong but good.
A very amusing little bottle of wine.
( chuckles ) I would like at this time to propose a toast.
May I pour? To my wife.
To Trixie.
I don't know why we haven't done this before.
( laughing ) As we say in the sewer, here's mud in your eye! So I guess you girls are learning something tonight.
Trixie, could I come up to your apartment? I just can't stand seeing my husband destroy himself.
You are so right.
( women giggling ) You'd think they were drinking.
Must've got a look at the label.
( laughs ) Let's have another one, pal.
Pour away, mein host! ( laughing ) "Pour away, mein host.
" Can't walk on one leg! ( laughing harder ) ( mumbles ) ( laughs quietly ) ( laughing louder ) ( guffawing ) ( hacking cough ) ( both laughing ) What are you laughing at? ( laughing uncontrollably ) What are you laughing at? What am I laughing at? ( chuckling ): Yeah.
What am I laughing at? ( quiet laugh ) I forgot what I was laughing at.
( chortles ) What's the difference as long as we're laughing? Pour out another one now.
( humming ) Huh.
Hey Nah, never mind.
What do you say, Ralph, that we, uh Nah.
rip into a little song? I'll say I'm feeling beautiful.
You know why I'm feeling beautiful? Go ahead.
I'll tell you why.
I can't wait to see the face on Joe Fensterblau tomorrow when I go to work.
( chuckles ) Ever since the night we were playing poker I know.
And I had to leave early, and he says he's got to leave early 'cause his wife won't let him stay out.
Do you remember that? Yeah.
Do I, do I How It's all right.
( lisping ): Oh, I mean, like Wait 'til I see him tomorrow.
Joe Fensterblau.
Wait 'til I see him tomorrow.
That's the thing.
Don't let you get upset all over Joe Fensterblau.
He repeats everything.
He hasn't got a mind of his own anyway.
Here's to that poor, misguided soul, Joe Fensterblau! ( mirthless chuckle ) Joe Fensterblau.
He's a He sure is.
Va-va-va-voom! I feel like I have hair on my face or something.
( laughs ) Either that's wine on the table or somebody was just stabbed upstairs.
( laugh hysterically ) That is funny, Ralph.
( drunken laughter ) Huh? A little song.
A little song? That one that was always good for you.
All right.
"I Had a Dream, Dear"? Wait a minute.
We might as well do this right.
I got a pitch pipe in the bedroom Go get the pitch pipe.
Go get the pitch pipe.
( chuckles ) Everything's going real fast.
The table ain't level! ( laughs ) You , boy, you.
( Ralph laughing ) Somebody stole the bed.
We don't need no pitch pipe.
I We had a dream, dear had a dream, dear You had one, too Doo-wop, doo-wop Doo-wop ( sharp exhale ) ( snoring ) Well there they are.
Our dashing, debonair, devil-may-care playboys.
It just shows you what the power of suggestion can do.
100 proof male ego.
Alice, a toast.
I give you our husbands.
( snoring ) A toast.
You can have 'em.
Oh, aw, man.
Hey, Fred.
How do you like this for a clincher? "The day I got married, I said only two things: "'I do,' and 'I'm the boss.
'" ( laughs ) And I had that Kramden figured wrong.
I didn't think he had the nerve.
Is he working today? Yeah.
He always works a half a day on Saturdays.
Harry, I gotta hang around here and shake his hand.
I tell you Hi, fellas.
Is Ralph around? I was supposed to meet him here.
Norton, you're just the guy we want to see.
What? Yeah, give us the lowdown.
What did Kramden's wife do when she read the newspaper? I'm very happy to announce that in his house, Ralph Kramden is king.
She crowned him? No, no, no.
On the contrary.
He proved to me last night that in his house, his word is law.
No kidding? Yeah.
I saw it with my own eyes, heard it with my own ears.
Oh, boy, do I wanna shake your hand.
I gotta come shake the hand of a man who said what you said.
What courage! I tell you, I really mean it.
You're twice the man I am, Ralph.
Yeah, with about Well, I didn't do anything any other brave or intelligent man wouldn't do.
You keep punching.
You keep punching.
So long, Ralph.
BOTH: See you Monday.
Nice couple of chaps, those guys.
Ah, I tell ya, they-they admire you, you know, they worship you, and deservedly so.
Boy, you know what? I'm glad I only have to work a half a day today.
Hoo-hoo, what a head I got.
Oh! Yeah, I had a little hangover myself.
I couldn't hardly get my head through the manhole, you know.
Fortunately, when I got up this morning, there was something in the icebox, straightened me right out.
What? Cold grape juice.
I gotta remember that for next time.
It wasn't bad at that, though, was it? Hey, I got a newsflash for you.
I wanna play a little pool with you this afternoon.
This is Saturday afternoon.
I thought you went shopping with Trixie on Saturday afternoon.
I don't care whether it's Saturday afternoon.
I told Trixie to go shopping by herself.
I'm gonna go play pool with you.
I said, "You either like it or you lump it.
" Very good, pal.
You're beautiful.
She lumped it.
Hey! Hi, Norton.
Hey, Windy.
Joe Fensterblau-- just the guy I wanted to see.
By any chance, did you read the paper last night? Yes I did, Kramden.
You got away with some kind of a fluke.
But before I believe that malarkey I read in the paper, you gotta prove it to me.
Well, I wish there was something right now I could do to prove it to you.
Well, there is a way.
A very simple way.
If a guy's really the boss of his house, it isn't any trouble for him to call up his wife and tell her he's bringing home a friend for supper.
Is that all you want? Ten bucks you can't do it.
You got a bet.
I, uh, I'd like a little piece of that.
I'd like a little piece of that.
I got another ten.
All right, you, now, what would you like to have to eat tonight? Well, I'm not a fussy man.
Just some soup, roast chicken with stuffing, rice, a little salad on the side and a little dessert and coffee.
You got it, pal.
Be there at 6:00.
Boy, that's the easiest money we ever made.
You can say that again.
Now I gotta call up Alice.
She's over at her mother's.
Sure thing.
Is Alice there? This is Ralph.
Alice? Look, run right home now and start cooking.
I'm bringing a friend over Alice? Alice! She hung up.
Well, there goes the 20 bucks.
Is that all you're worried about? Fensterblau finds out that she wouldn't cook the supper, it'll be all over the depot tomorrow.
What are we gonna do? What? What? You and I, we're going home, we're gonna cook that meal ourselves.
When Fensterblau gets there tonight, I'll say that Alice cooked it, but she had an appointment, she had to leave.
That's a good idea.
After all, men are the best chefs, aren't they? Oscar of the Waldorf, Pierre of the Ritz Grace Kelly's father.
What does Grace Kelly's father got to do with it? He cooked up a pretty sweet dish.
( laughs ) How's the chicken coming? As soon as I get the dressing sewn up, I'm all ready.
I think that salad's about ready for seasoning.
Whoops! Water's boiling.
Where's the where's the wild rice? It's right in front of you.
How much do I put in here? Well, there's three of us.
Uh it's a small box.
You'd better put it all in.
In case it's too much, I won't eat it.
Where's the where's the spoon, a ladle or something? Oh, there's one on top of there.
I'll get it.
You got a new watch fob? Shut up! Come on! Get the chicken in there.
Hurry up.
He'll be here in a minute.
No sense to hurry up.
I'll have this thing ready by the time he gets here.
All right.
I'll just turn it up full.
It'll cook in twice the time.
There you go.
Well, the soup's on, the chicken's in the oven, we got the salad, Yep.
we got the dessert already in the icebox, I want to tell you something: Every husband should cook just to show his wife that she's dramatizing the difficulties of cooking.
Look, we went out, did the shopping, got the food all prepared, put it in the oven and it's all ready to go.
We've only taken two hours in the whole job.
That's right.
They make peo Hey, with a light Look out! Oh Boy, that is the wildest rice I've ever cooked.
Oh, Norton, our goose is cooked.
Our chicken is a little well-done, too.
Ralph, what is this? What happened? Tell Fensterblau I'll settle with him on payday.
Hello, Alice! All right, here it is.
When I called you up today, I wanted you to come home and cook because I invited Fensterblau over here to have something to eat.
I wanted to show him that I was boss of the house.
But when you hung up on me, there was nothing to do but me to come home, cook it, and say that you cooked it when he got here.
All right, Ralph, did it ever occur to you that if you asked me to cook supper instead of ordering me to do it, that I would have been very happy to cook supper and you could have had him over here.
( knock on door ) Come in.
I'm ready for supper.
There ain't gonna be any supper.
Well, I'm not surprised.
I didn't think there would be.
Oh, hello, Mr.
Please excuse this mess.
Well, hello, Mrs.
I guess I owe you some sort of an apology.
I had planned to have dinner all ready when you got here, but while I was in the midst of cooking, that crazy stove went "blooey" and made this terrible mess here, so I guess the only thing that I can do is give you a rain check, and, well, if you can come tomorrow night, I'll cook you the greatest meal you ever had.
Gee, that's awfully nice of you, Mrs.
I'll be here.
Well, Ralph, I guess I owe you some money.
No, that's okay, Joe.
We're even.
Just be here tomorrow.
See you tomorrow night, folks.
Good night.
Baby, you are the greatest!