The Honeymooners (1955) s04e35 Episode Script

Mind Your Own Business

With the stars and Well, will you throw a card while you're still young? Norton, you play gin rummy your way, and I'll play gin rummy my way.
My way is the scientific way, and it takes a lot of figuring.
For instance, I noticed that you picked up a queen before.
And I know you picked it up to make a run of three queens.
I also know that you have a run of clubs.
I also noticed that you threw away two sevens.
Therefore you couldn't possibly use the card that I'm about to throw down, which is a seven of spades.
That's scientific figuring.
That's ever-loving gin.
See there That's a total of 90.
( smug chuckling ) Boy, I'm telling you, it's a good thing that You know, if you were Rockefeller's son, I'd never have to work another day as long as I live.
What a trouncing-- Boy, that wasn't a blitz, that was a bloutz! ( laughs ) Ah, you owe me 14 cents.
I don't owe you anything yet.
We haven't finished playing.
Now let's get on with the next hand.
Ah, I don't wanna.
What do you mean, you don't wanna? I can't.
We got plenty of time.
The girls won't be home for another hour.
Well, I can't, I can't.
I-I-I can't concentrate on the game.
I got something on my mind.
Well, what could you possibly have on your mind? Well, you know, uh, that promotion Well, how can they give it to Cassidy? He's only been with the sewer company for about a year.
Why should they give it to him instead of you? Ah, I think it's politics.
You know, he-he got pretty close to the big shots downtown.
He's only been with the company for a year.
How could he get close to the big shots? Well, don't forget-- for the last six months, he's been working on the sewer right underneath City Hall.
You're just looking for an excuse, Norton.
You could get that promotion if you wanted it.
All you have to do is go in and sell yourself to 'em.
Tell 'em how important you are to their organization.
Well, I-I-I don't think I have to do that, Ralph.
I think they appreciate what I'm doing, the job I'm doing.
Just go in and tell them that this is your future, and your future isn't next year or next month or week or even tomorrow.
Your future is now, right now.
And that's when you want the promotion-- right now.
Well, supposin' they don't want to give me the promotion? Then you scare them to death.
Tell 'em you quit.
Tell 'em after 17 years in the sewer, you're finally washing your hands of the whole thing.
You think that'll scare 'em, huh? Certainly it'll scare 'em.
They know they need you.
They know it, and what's more important, now you know that they need you, thanks to me.
All right, now, let's go on with our game.
No, no, I don't wanna.
No, I can't, I can't.
I can't.
I'd rather not play anymore.
And listen, uh, forget about the 14 cents you owe me.
Oh, I'm not forgetting about it.
I lost 14 cents playing cards, and I'm gonna pay it off.
All I want is a chance to break even.
Now, we'll play one more hand, double or nothing.
No, I don't wanna play.
I don't wanna play, particularly double or nothing, because when you win, then you always start yelling and screaming at me.
I promise you, I will not yell and scream.
Now, be very careful how you play this hand because I'm out to get you.
It's your pick.
Come on with the thing! Gin! I gotta admit, Ralph, this time you didn't yell at me, because you're ( screaming ): Out! Okay! Oh, hi, Ed.
Hello, Alice.
Uh, Ralph home yet? No, not yet, Ed.
You had your supper already? Uh, no, no.
I haven't even been upstairs.
Is there something bothering you, Ed? No.
What? Me, no.
What, bothering me? ( chuckling ): No.
Well, I got some delicious goulash.
How about trying some? No.
No, thanks, I I don't feel like eating.
You don't feel like eating? Now I know there's something bothering you.
All right, Ed, now, come on, out with it.
Something go wrong at work today? Well ( clears throat ) now that you ask, uh- uh, yes, I guess so.
I guess you'd call it that.
I, uh, I had words with my boss, Jim McKeever.
Oh, well, those things happen to anyone.
Yeah, but not this way.
It don't happen to anyone this way.
After what he told me, I find it impossible to work one more day for him in the sewer.
Well, what'd he tell you? "You're fired.
" Oh, Ed, he fired you? Yeah.
How do you like that? Y-You get the picture? Good old Ed Norton, reliable old Ed Norton, working 17 years in the sewer, and now everything's down the drain.
Oh, Ed.
I don't know what to do.
I haven't told Trixie yet.
I ain't got the nerve.
Hey, uh, Alice, uh, you and Trix have been friends for a long time.
Uh, suppose you go upstairs and break the news to her? Oh, no, Ed, that's a man's job.
You're right, Alice.
I'll get Ralph to do it.
Ed, this is something you're going to have to do yourself.
You're gonna have to tell Trixie.
Yeah, I guess you're right, but I don't know how to do it.
I-I can't think of the words to say to her.
I-I if only I didn't have Hey, how about this? Maybe if I could tell her that we went broke.
That the sewer went bankrupt.
No, huh? Ed, there is no way of getting out of this.
You have got to go upstairs and tell Trixie.
Well guess you're right, Alice.
I've gotta face the music, fight fire with fire.
And like they say in the trades, "Cest la guerry.
" ( sighs ) ( running footsteps ) Hiya, hon.
Oh, hiya, Ralph.
Ralph, I got awful bad news for ya.
What? Ed was just down here, and he told me he was fired.
Fired? Yup.
He threatened his boss, told him he had to have a promotion or else.
Now, I wonder who could've talked Ed into doing a thing like that.
Yeah, I wonder who could've done a thing like that.
Well, you know it couldn't have been Ed's idea.
It doesn't sound like him at all.
I know who it probably was.
Probably one of those big mouth characters.
You know how those big mouths are, Ralph.
So easy, always to tell somebody else.
You know, butt into somebody else's business.
Those big mouths all the time can figure out everybody else's life, but they never have the courage to do it themselves.
Now, wait a minute, Alice, I got courage! What? I mean if I told somebody to quit their job, I wouldn't do it unless I had the courage to do it myself.
Well, thank heavens you're smart enough to mind your own business.
Did he, uh did he tell Trixie yet? Well, he just went up to tell her, but he's awfully worried about how she's gonna take it.
I wonder what he's gonna tell her.
Well, what can he tell her, except to say that he was fired? What worries me is how the two of them are gonna manage.
Boy, I just wish that I could get my hands on whoever it was that gave Ed that advice.
Oh, hello, Ralph.
How how does Trixie feel, Ed? Uh, oh, I, uh, I chickened out.
I couldn't tell her.
I was standing outside the door there, and I-I just couldn't think of, uh, of anything that could come into my head to tell her, I don't know.
I chickened out.
I-I thought maybe I'd go across the street, and I'd-I'd get her some flowers.
You know, make her feel better.
Boy, I stop and think of how everything went wrong today.
You know, Ralph, I got to work this morning, and I said to the foreman Uh, there's no sense of rehashing it.
It'll only make you feel worse.
Just forget about it, and you'll get over it like that.
( snaps fingers ) I guess you're right, Ralph, the past is gone.
We gotta concentrate on the future.
That's it.
Well, guess I'll go, uh, get some flowers.
Listen, uh, Norton.
What? If you ever should be, uh short of money or anything, you know, just have to ask me.
Oh, thank you, Ralph.
No, I-I got a couple bucks.
Oh, if there's anything you want, you know where I am.
Sweet kid.
Oh, Ralph, I'm glad you're such a good friend to Ed.
He and Trixie really need you now.
We're gonna have to do everything we can for 'em, Ralph.
Anything they want Hey.
( chuckles ) Ralph, I almost forgot.
I came down to tell you something I almost forgot to tell you.
I-I just don't want you to feel sorry about me losing my job on account of you giving me the advice.
All I'm trying to tell you is that it was good advice, and I'm sorry that things turned out the way they did.
Well, I'll get the flowers.
Now look, Alice, you know that Norton's my best friend.
If I told him to do anything, it was with the best of intentions.
You know I don't want him to lose his job.
And I'm gonna get his job back for him, Alice.
Honest, I'm gonna get his job back for him.
Tomorrow morning, first thing, I'm going down to the sewer and talk to his boss.
There's nothing, Alice, nothing in this world's gonna stop me from going down to that sewer tomorrow morning.
Oh, no? There isn't a manhole in this city that you could fit through.
How could you, Ralph? How could you do a thing like this to Norton? Now, what's he gonna do, Ralph? There is only one sewer system in New York.
Now, it's up to you to help him.
Well, I'd ask down at the bus company if there was a job down there for him, but they're not taking anybody on.
I just hope he's not out of work any length of time, Ralph, because it's gonna be awfully rough on the two of them.
Well, look, we'll just have to take care of them, that's all.
What-whatever is ours is theirs, from now on in.
You're so right.
We're gonna have to do everything we possibly can to help 'em.
Alice! Ralph! Oh Ed's been fired! I wondered why he hadn't come home.
Poor Ed.
and this is how they treat him.
Trixie, how did you find out about it? One of the fellas in the sewer called to console him.
Oh, I wish he was here.
I hope he's all right! Oh, now, take it easy, Trix.
Ed's all right.
Yeah, he's okay.
As a matter of fact, he just went across the street to get you some flowers.
Flowers?! Yes, he was worried about how you were going to take the news.
Worried about me? But I was worried about him.
He's had his heart set on being made foreman.
Oh, poor Ed.
Who'd have thought this could happen? Oh, it must've been a terrible shock to him.
Ed, darling! Trixie.
Oh, honey, listen, don't be discouraged.
The worst thing that sewer ever did was letting you go.
You know? Oh, sure, but-but, honey, everything is gonna be all right.
You're gonna get a better job, a much, much better job.
I have faith in you.
Trixie? You're a wonderful woman.
Oh! You sure you're not angry with me, uh, losing my job or anything? No, of course not.
You positive? Positive.
Well, uh, all right, folks, just, uh, just stay where stay where you are.
Stay right where you are.
Where are you going? Well, as long as everything's okay, I'm gonna take these back to the florist.
I'll be right back.
Hi, Alice.
Oh, hi, Trix.
How'd Ed do on the new job today? I don't know, he didn't come home yet.
Oh, Alice, I was so nervous waiting upstairs alone, I just had to come down here.
Ah, I'm glad you did.
You know, Alice, it's awfully important that Ed does well on his first day.
After all he's been through these past two weeks without work, he-he needs a lift.
Oh, Trixie, don't you worry about Ed.
He'll make a fine salesman.
He's got the perfect personality for it.
And from what you've told me about this electric steam iron, it sounds like a wonderful product, and I know a lot of people are gonna buy it.
Oh, I hope so, Alice.
You know, if he does well, he might forget about losing his job.
I know.
Ed's tried to hide it, but he's been pretty blue about this, hasn't he? Oh, I'll say.
And it started me thinking, Alice.
You can take the man out of the sewer, but you can't take the sewer out of the man.
Trix, you sure you don't want to stay for supper? I got a nice, thick steak.
Alice, do you realize we've eaten down here every night for the past two weeks? Oh, so what? It's just as easy to cook for four as it is for two.
Thanks anyway, but we're going to my mother's.
Well, don't you ever get the crazy idea that you two are imposing on us.
Say, you got any vinegar upstairs? No, I haven't.
Well, I gotta run down to the grocer's and get some, but you stay right here, because I'll be back in just a second, okay? Oh, all right.
Hi, Trix.
Uh, I was looking for you.
You weren't upstairs so I figured you'd be down here.
Say, Ed, how'd the new job go today? Oh, fine! Fine! Oh, good.
I'll be right back, and then I want to hear all about it.
All right.
Ed, dear, did-did it really go fine? It was a dark, dark day.
Let me tell you, selling from door-to-door is no way to get rich.
I walked my feet off, I called on 137 prospects, I made one sale.
Out of all those people, you only sold one iron? One iron! One iron! And that was my last stop.
Oh, but, Ed, Ed, that's very encouraging if you sold your last customer.
Maybe after talking to all those people, you finally hit on the right approach.
C-Can you remember what you said to the customer who bought the iron? Sure, I can remember.
I said, "Mama, you just gotta buy this iron from me.
" Oh hmm.
You sold an iron to my mother.
Not your mother, my mother.
Tomorrow's your mother.
And the outlook ain't very bright, because the day after tomorrow, we run out of mothers.
Well, may maybe you could try some other kind of work.
Other kind of work? Ha-ha, look, let's face it.
Let's face it now.
I mean, there's not many jobs that I can step into.
A sewer worker's like a brain surgeon.
We're both specialists.
Well, let's hope tomorrow will be better.
I hope so.
What's for supper? Oh, we're not eating here, we're going to my folks.
Oh, we are? Good, I'm glad to hear that.
I'm getting very self-conscious about eating here, about mooching off of Ralph and Alice.
Oh, it's been bothering me, too.
Ralph and Alice have been just wonderful, but after all, there's a limit.
You know what Alice said to me today? What? She said that if your job doesn't work out, we're to move down here with them, and they won't take no for an answer.
Oh? Hey, you know? I was just thinking.
Hmm? If they thought maybe that I was doing very good, you know, and that the future looked very rosy and bright, they wouldn't worry, would they? No.
So why do I have to tell 'em that I'm not selling any irons? That business is lousy? I'll tell 'em that I'm doing great.
I'm doing a wonderful job! Hey, good idea.
After all, we're not their responsibility, and we'll manage to get through this somehow, Ed.
We certainly will.
We'll show them.
Oh, hi.
Oh, hi, Ralph.
Hiya, Ralph.
Where's Alice? Oh, she just ran down to the grocery store.
Well, pal, I have my fingers crossed.
How did you do on your first day as a salesman? Just great.
Yeah? Jim dandy.
I want you to know I sold a lot of irons, and I made $40 commission! ( laughs ) $40?! Yes, sir, boy.
I was selling irons like hot cakes.
I stopped at 2:00 in the afternoon because I didn't want to push myself into a higher tax bracket.
( chuckling ) $40 in one day! Yeah, isn't that wonderful, Ralph? Now you and Alice won't have to worry about us anymore.
That's right, Ralph.
I just want to thank you at this time for all that you and Alice have done because I appreciate it.
$40?! Ralph, Ralph, Ed and I have to go.
We're due at my mother's for supper.
Well, wait a minute.
Look, uh, Norton, do you think they could use other salesmen down at this iron place? Well, uh, at the time they're all filled up.
I don't think that Well, look, you know them.
Couldn't you go in and recommend 'em? Tell 'em what a great salesman I am.
Well, I, uh, uh Ralph, Ralph, Ed can't go recommending people.
He just got started himself, you know.
Yeah, I just got started.
My first day on the job, you know.
Besides, you got a very good job.
You're happy in the work, they like you and everything.
Don't quit, stay with it.
Yeah, but $40 a day! Look, uh, it just takes a little knack to be a salesman.
I mean, uh, some guys have got it, a-and some guys don't.
Now, I just happen to be one of the guys that has it.
See? Yeah, I see, I see.
Uh, you understand, pal? Oh, I understand.
I understand perfectly.
Yeah, okay.
See ya.
Bye, Ralph.
( door closes ) $40 a day! Oh, hiya, Ralph.
Listen, we had veal chops last night, didn't we? Yeah.
And the night before that, we had, uh, meat loaf, right? I think so, why? I'm just making out Norton's bill, that's all.
He's gonna pay for every meal he's had down here.
Ralph, have you lost your mind? No, I haven't lost my mind.
He can afford it! He made $40 today! $40! That's wonderful.
But, Ralph, it's ridiculous to charge them for the meals they ate.
We did that 'cause they're our friends.
'Cause they're our friends?! Would a friend treat anybody like he treated me? Would he?! And after what I did for him? What did you do for him? Oh, so you're forgetting, too, huh? I'm the one that got him fired in the sewer! He couldn't have taken that other job if it wasn't for me.
Friendship, ho-ho! Do you know what he tried to do to me just now? I said to him, "Look, Norton, you're making $40 a day.
"Is there any possible way you could recommend me to become a salesman over there?" He says, "Well, Ralph," he says, "I would, but some people have it, and some people don't.
" In other words, that I wasn't as good a salesman as he is.
Well, let me tell you something.
Can you imagine how much money I can make if that nut can make $40 before lunch?! I don't know how much a nut like you could make, Ralph, but you're not gonna risk losing your job to find out.
What do you mean, risk losing my job? I'll do it in my spare time at nights.
You do it in your spare time at nights, Ralph, or days off or anything like that, and you'll be too tired to drive a bus.
You'll lose your job.
I won't lose my job.
This isn't risky at all.
Imagine that-- $40 a day.
All right, Ralph, but you're no salesman.
What do you mean, I'm no salesman? I'll have you know, when I was six years old, I sold more lemonade in front of my house than any kid on the block.
All right, Ralph, then I'll compromise with you.
You stay with the bus company, and the next hot day we have, I'll make you a great big pitcher of lemonade and you can stand out front and sell it.
Oh, you're a riot, Alice! You're a regular riot! Ralph, will you listen to me for a minute? No matter how good any salesman's job is, it is still a gamble.
So Norton made $40 today.
Who knows what he's gonna make tomorrow? At least with your job, Ralph, a steady job, you know how much money you're gonna bring home every week.
Furthermore, you got a pension, Ralph, and it guarantees your security.
Your boss likes you, you're due for a raise and a promotion.
Now, when you get that, your job is gonna be much better than Norton's.
Well, wait a minute.
Wait a minute! You're right.
For the first time since I know you, I agree 100% with you.
And I know how to get that promotion and raise right away.
I don't understand.
It's called the old squeeze play.
Do you know what that is? Squeeze play? Let me explain it to you.
Very simple.
Tomorrow morning I get up bright and early, and I go right down to the Spiffy Iron Company, and I make sure that I can get a job there.
As soon as I'm sure of that, I go right over to see Mr.
Marshall, my boss, and I tell Mr.
Marshall that I have this other offer, and that it offers me $40, maybe $50 a day.
Therefore, I'll have to leave the bus company.
Otherwise, he'll have to give me my promotion and raise.
And that's what you call a squeeze play.
You know he's not gonna get rid of me.
It's not gonna work, Ralph.
What do you mean, it's not gonna work? I'm gonna squeeze Mr.
He's in no position to squeeze me.
Of course not.
He couldn't even get his arms around you.
One of these days.
One of these days! Pow! Right in the kisser! Oh, Ralph, I've been worrying about you all day Wait a minute.
I got a surprise for you.
I have it right here.
Ralph, please, tell me what happened.
I've been so worried.
It's nothing to worry about, I pulled a squeeze play.
First thing I did was go down to the Spiffy Company, make sure that I had the job, then I went over to Mr.
Marshall and laid my cards on the table.
I said either I get my promotion and raise immediately, or I take the other offer.
He said to me, "Ralph, we think very highly "of you here at the company.
"You're one of our most honored employees.
"However, the raise and promotion are out of the question.
" Then I pulled the squeeze on him.
Ralph I said, uh, "If you think that much of me, "I certainly wouldn't quit this job for any other job.
" Oh So I'm back at the bus company.
Hey, hey, I got great news.
I got the greatest news in the whole world.
You don't have to worry.
Everything is turning out just like you said.
What are you talking about? I got a call from the sewer.
They want me back there.
They're giving me the promotion.
I report for work in the morning.
( laughs ) Well, what about the other job? I quit that job.
You quit it?! But $40 a day, Norton! Oh, uh, well, I got a confession to make.
I only sold one iron and that one was to my mother.
But why did you tell me you were making $40 a day?! Well, uh, I-I felt a little guilty about it-- uh-uh, self-conscious about mooching on you and everything.
And we thought that if I was making out good, that you wouldn't worry it, and-and I just want to, at this time, thank you very much for everything you that you did and If I stay here any longer, I think I may ( sobbing ) There's the man they can't do without down in the sewer.
Ralph, what's in the box? Oh, the surprise.
When I went over for the job at the Spiffy Company Uh-huh.
well, I ran into one of the salesman.
He sold me an iron.
Isn't that a beauty? Wait'll you see it work.
This is gonna make your job a lot easier, Alice.
Now, as soon as this thing heats up as soon as this thing heats up, you go in and get the ironing board.
And when you see how this thing works, you'll be amazed at the simplicity of its operation.
Now ( Alice yelps )