The Honeymooners (1955) s04e37 Episode Script

With the stars and Hey, Harvey, nobody's using number one table.
We can play right here.
Yeah, we'll play here.
Hey, Harvey, I-I'm kind of thirsty.
What do you say we go inside first a-and have a cold drink? Good idea.
Come on, George.
Let's go.
All right, Norton, we'll play for the same thing-- 25 Come on, will ya, Norton? What were you doing out there? I stopped at the ice cream place to get some of these doughnuts.
Here.
Want one? Big ones.
Now, you know I don't want a pretzel.
I'm on a diet.
Besides, on the way home we can stop off and get a pizza.
All right, I'll break.
Wait a minute, I'll get my weapon.
Wait, hey, whoa! How come automatically you break? Huh? How about let me break? It's very simple.
I'll tell you why I'm breaking.
The last time we played, you broke.
Oh, no, no, you broke.
Because we tossed a coin, and whenever you toss the coin for the break, I never win.
All right, we'll make it fair and square.
I'll toss another coin.
Go ahead, you call.
How about letting me toss? Give me an even chance.
I'll toss the coin.
All right, you toss it.
I take heads.
Why do you want heads? Let me take heads.
Why are you so particular on wanting heads? That has nothing to do with it.
You're tossing, so I'm calling, I'll play you odds and evens for who gets heads.
All right, I'll take evens.
You'll what? I said I'll take evens.
How come you want evens? Go ahead and break the balls! You are the stupidest man I ever knew.
Maybe so, but I'm breaking.
Go ahead and break! Come on! There she goes! ( chuckling softly ) And a scratch to boot.
Now, if you'll stand aside and watch very carefully, I will show you the glorious results of a misspent youth.
I will now play the 14 ball in that furthest corner.
( chuckles ) Boy, you must have blew a lot of time going to school.
Just go ahead and shoot.
( clears throat ) Wait a minute, I gotta spot a ball.
Thank you.
You didn't spot it in a very good place.
May I ask a question? What are you doing? Just lining 'em up, that's all.
Just lining 'em up.
I think I got 'em all set now.
( clears throat ) Would you mind telling me what's gonna happen? Yes, I'll tell you in a minute.
Now then I will knock the 8 and the 15 ball into the corner pocket, there.
But before the 8 ball goes into the corner pocket, it will kiss off the 3 there, causing the 9 ball to drop into this side pocket here.
Before the 9 ball drops into that pocket, it'll hit the chrome off the cushion there, come bouncing into these bunch of balls here which will cause a chain reaction, making all the balls go into the corner pocket with the exception of the number 4 ball which will end up in my upper left in that corner Go ahead and shoot! Hey, wait a minute.
You can't use this table.
Me and my friend, we're playing here.
What are you talking about, we can't use the table? We are using it.
Get out of here.
Go ahead and shoot.
But gee, fellas, we're we were all ready to play.
We just went inside first to get a cold drink.
Well, I hope it was very cold.
And I hope it was strong milk.
Now get out of here! Go ahead.
How do you expect me to go ahead and shoot with all this arguing? Let's get another table.
We are not getting another table.
We started here, and we're going to finish here.
Now, you get out of here.
Go ahead.
You better not.
My friend isn't going to like this.
I don't care what your friend likes.
Now, you're not getting this table under any conditions.
Go ahead and shoot.
All right for you.
But if you do not let us have this table, I am going in and tell my friend, Harvey.
H-H-Harvey? Oh, Harvey! Oh, Harvey! ( chuckles ) You're going to tell your friend Harvey? Harvey? He's gonna tell Harvey.
That's a nice name.
I like Har Isn't that a nice name-- Harvey? That's a nice name-- Harvey.
I don't care if you tell Harvey.
Go ahead and tell him.
! He's got me mighty scared.
I'm shaking to death.
You'd better be careful.
My friend is even bigger than me.
Your friend Harvey is bigger than you? I have a friend Shirley, that's bigger than you.
Go ahead and shoot.
Stop picking on the little guy.
I'm not picking on him.
He started it.
We're playing here, and we're going to continue to play here.
Now look, go in there with your friend Harvey.
And if he wants to start anything or you want to start anything, just come back out here again and I'll twist you into bookends.
Now get out of here.
Go ahead.
There're maniacs all over the joint.
I got to admit one thing.
When you are right, Ralph, nobody pushes you around.
You know why? Because you got spunk.
Spunk has nothing to do with it, Norton.
I was in the right, and when I'm in the right, nobody pushes me around.
I bet that Harvey is burning up in there now.
I hope Harvey is burning up, I'll tell you that.
I hope he's so burned up that he comes out here and tries to start something.
I'll bend him into a pretzel.
( both laughing ) When I'm in the right, I'm in the right.
Nobody pushes me around.
Go ahead, pal.
All right.
There we go.
Oh Very lucky.
Very lucky.
This is my friend Harvey.
I told you, you're not gonna get the table.
Now go away.
Come on, Norton, will ya? And you beat it too, Harvey.
Hey, uh, Ralph, he's even bigger than your friend Shirley.
I got an idea those bookends were going to be a little lopsided.
What are you talking about, bookends? He said he was gonna twist me and you into bookends.
Oh, he did, eh? So you're gonna twist me and him into bookends? ( stammering ) That's right.
That's right.
He's gonna twist you and him into bookends.
You got nothing to worry about, Ralph.
You're in the right.
No one can push you around.
Why don't you shut up? And that's not all he said.
He made fun of your name.
He said Harvey was a funny name.
Oh, he did, eh? Harvey's a lovely name.
So, Harvey's a funny name? You're a real wise guy, eh? I don't like wise guys.
You know what I might do to you? I might punch you right in the mouth.
Hey, now, wait, wait, wait just a minute.
You can't talk to us that way.
You keep out of this! Yeah, stay out of it.
What are you yelling at me for? I wasn't the one that said I'd twist you into a pretzel.
He did! Shut up! Oh! You're going to twist me into a pretzel, eh? I don't even like pretzels.
( stammers ) You hear that, George? He's gonna twist me into a pretzel.
( high-pitched giggle ) All right, wise guy.
I'll give you a chance.
Come on.
Step outside.
Come on, Ralph.
I'll hold your coat.
Why don't you shut up? Come on, wise guy.
Step outside and twist me into a pretzel.
I can't go outside.
I have my new suit on.
All right, I'll let you get away with it this time 'cause you're just scared.
Yeah, he's just scared.
Yeah, rack 'em up.
We're gonna use this table, George.
Well, let's go, Norton.
Hey, uh, I just want to tell you thing, that my, uh, friend ain't a-scared of you.
What he said about wearing a new suit is true.
He's got a brand-new suit on.
He'll fight you any time.
Will you shut up? He'll be there! Norton, shut up.
Oh so you want to fight me some other time, huh? All right, wise guy.
Meet me at 8:00 at Kelsey's Gym, Friday night.
( stammering ) We will be there.
Just make sure that you show up.
Don't worry, I'll be there, and if you don't show up, I'll come get you.
Where do you live? Norton All right, don't forget.
Friday night, Kelsey's Gym.
Come on, George.
I want to go home and punch the bag a little.
GEORGE: Okay, Harvey.
And just remember, if you don't show up, I'll come get you.
A pox on you and all your ancestors! What is the matter with you, Ralph? I always thought you were a level-headed, clear-thinking man.
What did you have to pick a fight with that guy for? Get out.
Huh? Get out! Oh! ( yelling ): Get out! "A pox on you and your ancestors" ( doorknob rattling, knocking ) ( pounding ) ( doorknob rattling ) ( pounding "Shave and a Haircut" ) Who is it? ED: It's me, Ralph, it's Norton.
Let me in there.
Oh.
Hiya, Norton.
What do you say there, Ralphie boy? ( chuckling ) How do you do, folks? This is smiling Ed Norton, talking to you direct from the training quarters of the Bensonhurst Bomber.
Would you like to say a few words to your fans out there, Bomber? Aw, shut up! ( laughing ) Oh, boy, I'm telling you, you ought to hear the guys talking around the pool room.
They're all excited about this fight, and they're betting on it and everything.
Oh, I'm telling you, it's gonna be a beautiful fight.
And I got some news for you that'll make you feel pretty proud.
Some word came in direct from the candy store a little while ago: some late money came in backing you and knocked the odds down to 500-1.
You mean, they're betting Lose, nothing-- they're betting 500-1 that you don't even show up.
Well, you better grab a piece of that bet 'cause they're so right.
If you think I'm going up to that Kelsey's Gym, you're crazy.
What do you mean, you're not going? Just what I said.
I'm not going.
Well, you gotta go.
All the boys are talking about it.
They're betting on it and everything, like I said.
This is a big thing.
Do you realize that they're closing the pool hall tonight just so that all the boys can go over there and watch the fight? This is a big thing in your life, Ralph.
You gonna let some of your friends down? Shifty, Red, Nutsy.
I don't care about them.
Nutsy's going to the fight, Ralph.
Nutsy! A guy who hasn't missed a night in the pool room in all his life! Nutsy! He's the guy that went right over to the pool room after his wedding-- that same night.
This is a big night.
Do you realize they're closing the pool hall in your honor tonight? Let's face it, Norton.
If I fight that Harvey tonight, tomorrow night they'll be closing the pool hall in my memory.
You gotta go, 'cause if you don't go, they'll all think you're scared.
Wait a minute.
How is it that everybody in the neighborhood knows that I'm gonna fight this guy? Who started that rumor? Oh, I don't know.
Some blabbermouth shot off his mouth.
I'll try and find out who it is.
You don't have to find out, 'cause I know who the blabbermouth was, pal.
You're the blabbermouth.
You're the blabbermouth that started this whole thing in the first place.
Well, just blabber around that there ain't gonna be a fight.
Listen, Ralph, if you don't go, the guys will think you're scared.
Remember, this guy's a bully, you know.
This Harvey, he's a bully.
He said if you don't show, he'll come and find you.
He's a bully! You won't even be able to walk the streets in the neighborhood.
He said he's gonna find you, and he's gonna find you.
He won't miss you, 'cause let's face it, Ralph, you're not the type that melts in the crowd.
I don't care what type I am.
All I know is I'm not fighting that guy.
And another thing, Mr.
Norton, everybody knows about this fight except one person, and that one person is Alice.
And I don't want her to know about it.
Remember that.
I don't want her to ever know about this fight.
I think she'll get a strong hint about it when you come home one night with a lump on your head.
I'm not coming home with any lump on my head because I'm getting out of town for a few days right now.
What are you gonna tell her when you go out of town? What? I don't know.
I'll think of something.
Yeah, I bet you will.
Hey there, Alice.
( humming ) What is that all about? Eh? Oh, nothing, nothing.
Nothing at all.
Nothing? No, nothing.
You can pump me all night.
You're not gonna get a thing out of me, Alice, 'cause I know how to keep a secret.
What secret? Uh, oh don't get cute now.
Don't get cute, Alice.
I can see by the expression on your face you're gonna pull some of those trick questions.
Well, you're not get a thing out of me 'cause I know how to keep a secret.
Compared to a clam, I am an oyster.
Ed, what are you talking about? What am I talking about? Wouldn't you like to know? That's for me to know and you find out.
I'm not gonna tell a thing because my lips are sealed.
Some guys in the neighborhood are blabbermouths but not me.
Remember during the war? That expression, "a slip of the lip will sink a ship"? I never sank one.
If I was connected with a Brinks robbery, they wouldn't know today that the money was even missing yet.
'Cause I know how to keep a secret, and Ralph and I got a secret, and we don't want you to find out about it.
My lips are sealed, and you will never know our secret.
Ralph? What secret has he been keeping from me? Oh, you won't find out because I'm not gonna tell you.
My lips are sealed, I can't even talk, see? I'm not telling you no secret.
Oh, uh, hi, Alice.
I didn't know you was home.
Ralph, what's all this about a secret you've been keeping from me? Secret? Don't worry about a thing.
Oh, she tried to get it out of me, but I was too clever for her.
Well, you know me better than that, Alice.
You know we never have any secrets with each other.
Well, so long.
I'm gonna be gone for a couple weeks.
Ralph.
Yes? What do you mean, you're going to be gone for a couple of weeks? And where do you think you're going with that suitcase? Didn't I tell you I was going away? Away where? O-Out of town.
Out of town where, Ralph? Now, look, don't treat me like a baby, Alice.
If I want to go out of town, I'll go out of town.
You don't have to worry about me.
I can take care of myself.
If you knew how to take care of yourself, you wouldn't have to leave town.
All right, Ralph.
Are you going to tell me? No, I am not going to tell you.
No, I am not.
And just for that, I ain't even going.
There.
You satisfied? Now you ruined a wonderful trip I was going on.
Boy, oh, boy-- all I know is, if they ever institute a "nut of the month" club, I've got a very good idea who's gonna be January and February.
Well, if you know, don't tell, because a "slip of a ship can sink a lip.
" Oh, why don't you shut up? Listen, Ralph, you just stay right here.
I'll fix your supper for you in a minute, but I gotta go up to Trixie's first.
( sighs ) Well ( clears throat ) looks like you're gonna have to stick around, Ralph, so, uh Yeah, you're a big help, Norton.
Why don't you let me, uh, give you a few pointers on boxing? I don't need any pointers because I'm not fighting.
What do you mean, you're not fighting? This guy's this guy's a bully, you know.
He said he'd come after you if he didn't find you.
He's coming right up here, you know.
This isn't a game of tag with him.
It's not kid stuff.
What are you gonna do when he comes up here? Well, if he comes up here, I'll-I'll fight him, but I ain't going over there to fight him.
All right, you'll have to fight him here then, so get up and let me show you a few pointers on boxing.
I don't want any pointers.
Will you get up there and show me your stance? Get up there.
You gotta know how to defend yourself.
I know how to defend myself.
All right.
Well, first, show me your, uh, boxing stance.
I got an idea you got a secret weapon, there, Ralph.
Harvey may die laughing when he looks at you.
That's all.
No, no.
Don't-don't-don't get discouraged.
Now, just stand up there.
So much for the offense.
Now, a little defense practice.
Limber up your body.
Skip around like this.
Shoot a few lefts out.
( muttering ) That's it.
That's it.
Take me, Ralph.
Look, see.
That's it.
Go ahead, go ahead there.
See? That's it.
All right.
Cover up your face, Ralph.
Face? Cover up your face.
Cover up your face.
( yells ) ( loud groan ) ( moaning ) ( pathetic groan ) What is the matter with you?! What did you tell me to cover up my face and hit me in the stomach for? Well, that'll teach you never to trust anybody in the ring.
That did it.
I'm through.
All right, Ralph, all right.
I'll admit, I'll agree.
You're not in shape to do a fight with this guy.
All right.
We just gotta think of something I'm in shape.
I'm in shape! to get out of this gracefully.
Get out of it gracefully? Yes, just get out of the fight.
I know all about getting out of it gracefully, but how do you get out of it gracefully? Well, let me think now, let me think now.
If Harvey thought that you could beat him up, there would be no doubts about it, he'd back out of it in a minute, right? Well, how could I knock out anybody that's bigger than Harvey? Just a minute, now, just a minute.
The-the wheels are turning, the wheels are turning.
I know what your wheels are turning.
All right! You think you're gonna get somebody bigger than Harvey for me to knock out.
Is that right? Just a minute.
Yes, that is the general idea, but here's what we do.
We get this guy that is bigger than Harvey and get him over there at the gym tonight, see? And then you knock him out right in front of Harvey.
Well, now you know that Harvey's gonna be a-scared, and he'll back out of the fight in a minute.
Now, I got a friend That might work.
He works in the sewer.
He's a giant, a big guy.
Much bigger than Harvey.
I'll get him over there tonight, and you will knock him out right in front of Harvey, and Harvey'll back out quick.
Go along? That's not bad.
Go along with the idea? Well, look, maybe Kelsey's Gym will be crowded tonight.
How am I gonna know your friend? Oh, that's right, we'll have to have some, uh, passwords.
Uh, let me think, uh Oh, yeah, uh, I'll tell him to say when he sees you, "Hey, get a load of fatso there.
" See? Does he have to say, "Get a load of fatso there"? Well, he could say, "Hey, get a load of skinny," but then Harvey would, uh, suspect that it was a fix.
All right, "Get a load of fatso.
" Okay, I'll go get him at his place.
Now, are you sure that this guy'll do it for you? Well, of course he'll do it for me.
He's my friend.
He works with me in the sewer.
We stick together down there.
We got a motto: "Water is thicker than blood.
" Now, don't forget the saying, "Hello there, fatso.
" I know, I know.
"Get a load of fatso.
" Yes, yes, yes.
See you later.
"Get a load of fatso over there"? Well, I see you showed up, wise guy.
Oh, hello, Harvey.
Come on.
Let's go inside and get started.
Oh, uh, I can't go yet.
I'm, uh, waiting for a friend.
You ain't backing out, are you, wise guy? Oh, no.
Perish the thought.
I'm not backing out.
I'm just waiting for a friend who has to show up.
Okay, come on.
Let's get inside.
I'll be ready for you in a minute.
Don't Hey, what are you doing? Outta my way, buddy.
Hey, get a load of fatso there.
HARVEY: Ah, come on, let's get moving.
Just a moment.
What did you say? I said, "Get a load of fatso there.
" Wanna make something out of it? I certainly do.
And let that be a lesson to you.
( self-satisfied coughs ) Well, Harv, uh, are you ready? Do you care to step in the other room? Uh, no, I Hey, that's that's quite a punch you got there.
Oh-ho, it's really nothing.
( chuckles ) I hit him with my bad hand.
That's why I don't like to fight too much.
I usually hurt someone real bad.
Sometimes I even hurt myself.
( goofy laughing ) Well what do you say? Shall we, uh, step inside? Hey, look, I-I don't want no trouble with you.
That was just one of my jokes.
You can take a joke, Ralph.
All right, yellow-belly.
I'll let you off the hook this time, but watch out in the future.
Now beat it.
Anything you say, pal.
I'll-I'll see you around.
Boy, oh, boy.
It worked like a charm.
You were just great! Come on, pal.
Hey there, Ralph.
Hey.
Did you see Harvey running out of there? Yeah, where'd he go? I seen him leaving the place.
Where did he go? When your friend walked in, he says, "Get out of the way, fatso.
" I gave him a belt.
Down he goes, like he was killed.
Harvey sees this and ran right out.
You were beautiful! Come on, pal, get up.
Your friend's just great.
Hey, uh that ain't my friend.
He couldn't make it tonight.
What do we care if? That ain't your friend? No.
My friend's sick in bed with a cold.
But this guy walked in.
He did everything like your friend was supposed to do.
Why would he say, "Hey, fatso, get out of the way"? I don't know.
Maybe the phrase just fits.
Wait a second.
If that isn't your friend, then I knocked him out with one punch.
I guess you did, Ralph.
Run downstairs and have Harvey come back up.
I'm ready for Harvey.
Hey, Harvey! Hey, Harvey! Come on, pal! ( smug yelping ) ( groaning )