The Hotwives of Orlando (2014) s01e06 Episode Script

1 Previously on Hotwives of Orlando Tawny is like a child.
- Whoo! - No.
Whoo! That girl is gold.
Gold heart, gold everything.
She's my golden girl.
You little (BLEEP) face! They're not having an affair.
She's evicting us, you idiot.
We're getting a new house? Oh! Sweetie, thank you.
Just just please Mommy, why do we have to live in a car? Shut up, Shana.
I love living in my car.
It's exactly like my house.
And I can still (BLEEP) in it.
Women want to be me.
Men want to put their penis in my vagina.
I don't know how to read, but neither did Jesus.
They said I'd never make it back on top.
But here I am.
Where am I? I once punched a goat.
In the face.
If you can't handle the Phe Phe, then get out of the kitchen.
Or wherever you at.
I work hard for my money.
And anyone who says I haven't has never slept with an old dude.
Nooo! No! Why? I don't know how I'll go on.
What if Phil was lying there covered in blood.
I thought, "Oh, my God!" I thought, "This is the end.
" Phil! Phil! But it turns out it was just jelly from the table that Shauna threw over him.
He wasn't bleeding at all.
Not even a little bit.
The doctor says he could live another 20 or 30 years.
Come on! I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I just need a minute.
I Why? It's so hard to lose a husband.
And now I may never know how that feels.
It really upsets me to see Tawny cry.
Her face gets all weird looking and it's a real turn-off.
I can't (BLEEP) like that.
No! Just get out.
Get out.
Get out.
Get out! - Get your flat old ass outta here.
- Sorry.
Sorry.
Tawny thought I was dead.
And that was really rough on her.
Hello.
Hey, girl, it's Phe Phe.
Hey, Phe Phe.
I know you're suffering right now, but I didn't want to wait to tell you the bad news.
Tawny sued me for making a similarly titled song and music video I don't wanna your drama Save the drama for Obama, yeah But she lost the case.
Even though as her lawyer, I fought hard for her.
Thank you for calling.
I don't want you to worry about me, Phe Phe.
Just keep on being Phe Phe.
I don't have a choice.
I gots to be Phe Phe.
I know you do.
Registered trademark.
Bye.
When I saw that necklace, I remembered why I married Phil.
Oh! Oh, my God! Heath, look what I got! Heath! What my mom always used to tell me.
Happy wife, happy life.
I didn't really want to move out of our last place.
But it kept getting towed so we had to.
Even though it's, you know, a little smaller than our last place I still want it to look amazing.
You know, 'cause that's what I'm known for.
My style and my rage.
So, I had Tawny set me up with her interior decorator so I could fix the place up.
Hi, sweetie! Oh my gosh.
Muah! Muah! I love it.
- Yeah? - Not lust.
Love.
- Oh, my God.
- I'm obsessed.
This is deep, true and meaningful.
I love the natural lighting.
Yeah, well, when you unzip the rain flap you get even more lighting in here.
Incredible.
And you know I wanna ask you, would you consider losing a wall? I don't know, because then some of those feral cats could get in.
Right, but the great thing about that is A, it's part of your environment.
I'd say yes, embrace it.
Just go with me on this.
- I'm thinking, "I don't know.
" - Then we could do an open floor plan.
You don't have to run it by your husband.
But the open floor plan is very hot right now and it gives you more space.
I love it.
I mean, we just have to watch out for the sewer pipe because it leaks.
The great thing about having a leaking sewer pipe, you could open that up, too, put a clear covering over it and then you've got an instant waterfall in your house.
It's very good for Feng Shui.
I will be the only one of my friends to have a waterfall in the house.
I know, it's wonderful, it's kind of like an urban paradise so Let me ask you, do you think I have room for a half bath? Oh, my God.
We could do I I envisioned, I mean, think bigger.
I was thinking a lovers bidet.
You and Anthony can face each other while you clean yourselves.
That would be so romantic.
It's wonderful.
And you know what? When you've got a small space, it doesn't mean that the romance can't be big.
I'm excited.
Change is good.
Who needs a house or rooms? I'm happy! Let me ask you this 'cause I know Anthony's gonna want a man cave.
Of course.
Can you follow me to the east wing, - I want to show you what I'm talking about.
- Yes.
This is great.
I love the dirt floor.
Yeah.
It's nice, right? - It's really rustic.
- Its wonderful.
Shauna being homeless made me think a lot about Amanda.
I mean, she is awful in every way.
But I know deep down inside that my life would mean nothing without being able to compare it to her crappy life.
So, to show Amanda that I love her just the way she is, I am gonna take her to get Botox.
Oh, dear God! Doctor, is that normal? Uh, let's say yes.
Why? What? What? What? What? Well, there are rare cases when the body rejects the poison being injected into it.
Okay.
Well This is all your fault.
It is not my fault that your face can't handle a little poison.
- You want me to fail.
- Oh, God! Great! Even at getting Botox.
You just can't handle the fact that I might be better at getting Botox than you.
Sorry.
I mean, maybe if she could accept our Lord and Savior into her heart, then she could accept a little botulism into her face.
- You ready? - Yeah! - Okay, great.
- Okay.
Hey, baby.
- Hi, honey.
- Ow! Yeah, I was I know how things have been rough lately and I was thinking maybe now might be a good time for us to renew our vows and stuff.
Ahhh! Oh, my God! Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, my God! That's so romantic! I love you.
Oh, my God! I love you, too.
And stuff you like to hear.
Oh, gosh! So, uh, you want to pick out which one you think looks real to you.
Oh, my God! Um Oh, God! I'm gonna die! - Just do it.
- Okay.
Okay.
- Got it? - Oh! This one.
Just one.
- Just - No, this one.
- Just one.
Just one! - No.
Just take that one.
Oh, my God! Thank you! - All right.
We're done, right? - I love you.
- Sure.
Sure.
- I love you, too.
- Okay.
Thank you.
- Okay.
I'm gonna kill that dog.
It's a fairy tale.
Oh, my God! Yeah, I found out we can get a wicked tax break if we get married again.
We just have to use different names.
And different social security numbers.
It's no big deal.
The important thing is it's romantic.
Right? Hello.
Veronica? I have some good news to tell you.
You don't have herpes! No, no, I do.
That never goes away.
Screw my freakin' herpes.
Anthony and I are renewing our vows.
Ahhh! Darling, I'm so happy for you.
Oh! You have to do it on my putt putt course.
Oh, my God! I would love that.
When Veronica offered to host our wedding at her miniature golf course, I was like, "Yes!" Because we can't afford to do it anywhere else.
I was doing my wedding list and I couldn't remember if I should invite Tawny or not.
But luckily I have a foolproof system so I never forget.
I am thrilled to throw Shauna and Anthony's vow renewal at Hot Holes.
It's a very prestigious destination for Orlando's rich and famous to come celebrate.
One time, Joey Fatone vomited right on the putting green.
Hi.
I'll take a vodka tonic.
Just hold the tonic.
Yeah, I'm not a bartender.
I'm just getting myself a drink.
Oh! A man after my own heart.
Actually I'm, uh, I'm not a man.
I'm Shauna's sister, Jo.
But, uh, actually I get that a lot.
Actually, it happens all the time, yeah.
Hey, Jo.
You're cute.
You're not so bad yourself.
Is that for me? Sure, yeah.
Drink that.
Those are Nice.
That's a pretty get-up you got on there.
Yeah.
Yup.
Well, uh, it's not easy being a lesbian in Orlando.
Or Florida.
Or this country.
So when a totally wasted chick who is way past her prime hits on me, I'm like, "Uh, jackpot!" Ding, ding, ding! Hmm.
Yeah.
Not bad for a woman with four kids.
Five.
Five kids.
It's my big day and yes, I invited Tawny.
We've just been through so much together these past few months.
First we were best friends.
Then she hated me.
And then we were friends again.
Then I hated her.
Let's take this to the streets.
And then we couldn't remember if we were friends anymore.
- You know - You know you And now we're solid again.
It's just nice to know I'm gonna have my bestie next to me on my wedding day.
Shauna, Oh, my God! You look beautiful.
Oh! Thank you! You're wearing my dress.
How was I supposed to know that Shauna was gonna wear a wedding dress at her wedding? I'm not a mind-reader.
Ahhh! You bitch! You bitch! You stupid bitch! Watch my boobs.
- Watch my boobs.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Yeah, because they're really yeah, just be careful.
- Hey! Hey! Hey! - Easy.
Easy! We gotta return this dress.
Yeah, don't rip the dress.
Come on! What are you doing? No! No! No! Stay away from the dress! Hey, hey, hey, easy! Easy, easy.
We're here for a wedding.
Let's just try to get along for today.
You can go back to hating each other tomorrow.
When Phil put it that way, I was like, "You know what?" "He's right.
" As long as I can hate her tomorrow, we can be best friends today.
Take it easy, everybody.
It's my day.
I want it to be nice.
I forgive you.
For today, I forgive you too.
Phil totally blew it.
They were two seconds away from tearing their clothes off and kissing.
I love weddings.
We are gathered here today.
Oh, my God! The whole thing is a bunch of BS.
Everyone, the wedding is still on.
Just, he'll come back, he'll come back.
Weddings are for weddings days And it's happening right now No, Shauna didn't actually ask me to sing at her wedding, but I brought a microphone.
And that's as good as an invite.
You got a microphone in your purse and a song in your heart.
You're welcome, Shauna.
And no one can take away this day 'Cause it's happening for you I am an ordained minister.
Although, I have never had the privilege of marrying any friends of mine.
Or any human beings for that matter.
My dog wedding business, Bow Vows, does very well.
We have the lowest doggie divorce rate in all of Orlando.
There was some confusion when Tawny walked down the aisle because they thought she was the bride.
I mean, I don't know why.
Perhaps it could be because she was wearing a wedding dress.
But that seems weird.
We are gathered here today to unite this man and this woman in holy matrimony.
Hey, you guys mind if we play through real quick? Go on.
Oh! Nice.
Putting through that wedding party was the hardest obstacle I've conquered since I threaded the needle on the underwater windmill.
Try and put more English on it, you have to bank it.
Try to bank it.
Pretty proud of myself.
I wasn't gonna close the golf course for a wedding.
I can't deny my customers minigolf for a whole day.
This is Orlando.
It's not Daytona.
Excuse me.
Can we get back to this beautiful renewal of vows? Ah, well, I wrote my own vows.
Aw.
Shauna.
I love you.
You did that all by yourself.
Aw.
That was beautiful.
You're amazing.
Anthony Meducci.
- Hey! - Oh, my God! Arrest all of them.
No! What? No.
No.
Don't you touch my husband! You whore! He's mine.
Get your hands off my husband! Everyone, the wedding still goes.
Just, he'll come back.
He'll come back.
The whole thing is a bunch of BS.
I don't know what they heard or who they heard it from, but we ain't done nothin' illegal.
In at least two states.
I alerted the police.
Because I thought Shauna and Anthony would want them to know.
I was just being a good friend.
Shauna and Anthony Meducci, you are under arrest for mail fraud, bank fraud, and 37 other kinds of fraud, many of which you invented.
You have the right to an attorney.
Phe Phe, will you be our attorney? I got you, girl.
We are going to win this.
There is no way we are going to win this.
Those two are guiltier than a Jew eating pulled pork on Yom Kippur.
Oh! Damn.
Sometimes it feels so good to be Phe Phe.
I love your new bracelets, Shauna.
I'm not worried, we always bounce back.
Just like our checks.
The government can't see this, right? Bye.
Bye.
You look beautiful.
Well, I don't know about you but I'm still in the mood for a wedding.
Billy Darling, will you marry me? Awesome! Aww! I was talking about Grand Theft Auto.
They have a sweet iPhone version now.
But, you know, marrying Veronica seems pretty fun, too.
You know what? Rodney.
Oh! Oh! Will you remarry me? You bet your sweet ass I will! Hey, listen.
I miss being married.
Having sex with other women is so much more exciting that way.
Hell, ya! We're getting married! We we are? We are! Yay! Gay marriage isn't legal in Florida but, uh, if she doesn't know that, I'm not going to (BLEEP) tell her.
Oh! This is so exciting! I love a wedding.
I know, you cried so much at ours.
And now, by the power vested in me by the fantabulous State of Florida, I pronounce you married, bitches.
Let's celebrate! Finally a man who knows what I want! You know I am a woman, right? Yeah! I've never been so happy! Phe Phe, just so you know, your husband just had sex with me in the bathroom.
I'm telling you as a friend.
Oh hell, no! Oh! No! I'm your friend! I'm your friend! Ahhh! Sweetheart.
Crystal Mmm? Cover up your titty.
Grossing everybody out, baby, come on.
- We should get married.
- No.
Thanks, Phil.
I'm all set, buddy.
- Yeah, I'm all set.
- No! Phil, let's go, buddy.
All right.
Oh! Baby.
Aww.
Wait, so there's not a Nordstrom here? Baruch ata, I don't know, guys.
Matty Green here, and what a season it has been in Orlando.
What a beautiful vow renewal that turned into an arrest that turned into a triple wedding.
We'll cover it all in our cool down with my guest from The Howard Stern Show, Baba Booey, and returning fan favorite, Russian president Vladimir Putin, as we play our new karaoke game Putin-on-the-Ritz.
Play at home, bitches, and tune in next week for our Hotwives of Orlando reunion special.
See you soon!