The Inbetweeners s02e01 Episode Script
The Field Trip
Transcript : chocolate The Inbetweeners 201 "The Field Trip" 'Hi, I'm Will, and yes it's a briefcase.
'I'm still at a normal, terrifying comprehensive, 'cos Mum hasn't enough money to send me back to my old, private 'and let's face it better school.
'But I've made friends and, in some ways, 'this term will be better than the last.
'And in many other ways, a lot, lot worse.
'But before all that, my first hurdle of the new term involved 'a freezing cold day in January, a coach and Jay calling me a bender.
- Morning, benders.
- All right.
This is it.
The Swanage field trip is legendary for carnage.
It's the only reason I chose geography.
Seems a flimsy reason - unspecified carnage.
I'll tell you one thing that won't be flimsy.
My cock.
There's this sexy housewife down there, and every year she fucks one bloke from our school.
- How could you possibly know that? - My mate went last year and banged her.
He said she was the best he'd ever had.
A right fit, mature bird that does it because she loves young meat.
Bollocks! For one thing, you don't even have a mate in year 13.
- Yeah, I do, Chris Groves.
- Never heard of him.
He's not gonna hang out with a twat like you.
Let me get this straight.
Your imaginary friend fucked an imaginary older woman in Swanage, so you decided to do geography A level.
Good plan.
We should have a laugh, do something different.
We could go on a boat trip! I checked online, they hireboats from the harbour.
The internet is wasted on you.
No, I dunno, we should try to get off with the local girls, or get some booze in or something.
What we're shit at here, but by the seaside.
Can't wait.
We could let fireworks off in our room.
Could do.
Might be a bit pointless.
- Neil, what are you doing? - Getting on the coach.
- You don't do geography or sociology.
- I know that.
So what are you doing getting on the coach to the field trip? Jay was going on about how mental it all was, and I wanted to go, so I asked Mr Kennedy if I could come and help out.
Paedo Kennedy? He said yes, presumably? - He did actually.
- Who's Paedo Kennedy? Geography teacher and paedo.
I don't believe the school would employ a paedophile.
- They have done.
- The thing is, they haven't, have they? He was caught wanking over the school orchestra.
- When? - Before we started.
Convenient.
What's he asked you to do? He's got to collect a load of samples.
- What, of your spunk? - Collected in his mouth.
And hair.
Behave.
'So although Neil was now a suspected paedo's plaything, 'we boarded the coach with high hopes.
'It might have been a new term and a new year, 'but some things never change.
' Still going well with Carli, then.
- Shut up.
- Here he is.
Oh, watch out, Neil! Oh, don't do that.
Thumbs up, friend! Weird, old, inappropriate friend! - Spunk samples friend! - Why did he have to do the thumbs up? That's what'll go up your arse.
It's going up your arse first 'But in all the excitement, we'd forgotten the first rule of coach travel.
- 'Hard kids at the back.
' - I'm off.
No, Stay! There's no reason for us to move, and we're not moving! Move.
- Why should we move? - D'you want me to give you a reason? Well, I'm not leaving without one.
- I don't think you understand.
- I don't think that you understand that we got up early to secure these seats and Fine, good point.
Fuck, where we gonna sit now? What is going on? Will you lot sit down.
Our seats have been taken.
There's nowhere left.
There's loads at the front.
Sit next to John.
I'm not sitting next to John, his fat arse takes up two seats.
I have feelings too, you know.
Fine, you're sitting next to me.
Oh, what?! Well, it's me or Mr Kennedy.
Now, come on, hurry up! And McKenzie, sit down.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Um, who are you? I'm Lauren Harris.
I'm new.
Hi, I'm Will McKenzie.
Scary being new, isn't it? It is a bit.
The way the kids threaten to beat you up and call you names like, "briefcase wanker!" Oh, it's not been like that.
No, it wasn't for me either.
'I was more used to field trips to places like the Alps or Barcelona, 'than shitty English seaside towns, but as we headed to Swanage, 'there was a sense of excitement, a feeling that anything could happen 'for the first couple of hours, 'then it became another incredibly tedious coach journey.
' Don't even think about trying to talk to me.
Oi, who wants to swap seats? Nah, you're all right.
Oh, God, it's so boring up there.
Wait a minute, who's Spongebob shit-his-pants talking to? She's fit! Yeah, she is.
- This'll get her attention.
- Neil, don't be embarrassing.
Oi, everyone, watch this.
- What's going on? - Neil's being silly.
Is he doing that horn thing? That's funny.
Yeah, no, really funny silly, isn't it? Silly in a funny way.
- Do it again, Neil.
- Yeah, do it again, Neil.
Here, if you like that, I got a good one.
Such a Don't be silly.
What? They loved it.
Cartwright.
Sit down.
'So far, the only unspecified carnage 'we had witnessed was what Big John had left in the coach toilet.
'But Jay wasn't giving up on finding his mythical seaside MILF.
' Where do you think this nympho hangs out? Not sure.
High Street, maybe? Or by the ice-cream stall on the front? Apparently, she comes up to you and asks for a lick of your Cornetto.
It means she's offering a cock-in-mouth situation.
- It's like a code.
- Brilliant.
Will, bit embarrassing, but do you mind if I sit with you at lunch? You know, cos I've got no mates.
- God! No problem at all.
- You can sit on my lap if you like.
No, thank you.
You should know, that thing you did on the bus was really sad and pathetic and not funny.
I'll see you later.
Frigid.
You won't be getting off with Lauren, then.
Who cares? She's just a little girl.
I didn't come down here for girls, I get enough of them back home.
Nah, I come here for a woman.
- She is fit, though.
- What? - Lauren's fit, isn't she? - I saw her first.
What? I only said she was fit.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi! - Here, sit down here.
- I'm just off actually.
Don't leave on my account.
It's not that, it's just I've got to see a man about a dog, then a woman about a pussy.
I do know what that means.
- Right.
You coming, Neil? - Yeah.
- I'm Simon, by the way.
- Hi, Simon.
Sorry about those two.
It's all right, I've a younger brother, so I'm used to it.
Actually, he's eight, so he's a bit more mature, but you know Feisty one, you are! - What? - Feisty one, you are! Why are you talking like that? It was Yoda.
From Star Wars.
It's the same impression I was doing on the coach for about an hour.
Is that what that was? Oh, good.
I thought you might, you know, have a problem.
- No.
- Or Asperger's, maybe? Wrong again! Have you ever been tested for anything? Good one.
I was going to ask, would one of you do the survey with me, you know, cos I've got no mates and all that? - I will.
- Really? Yep.
I don't think you can, actually.
- Why not? - Yeah, why not? Maybe because of what I mentioned earlier? Jay fucking an old woman? Oh, ladies present.
No, the other thing.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Will, Lauren doesn't know anyone, don't be a dick.
I'm not being a dick, Simon, I'm just saying who am I going to do my survey with? Oh, no.
Mr Gilbert says I'm to pair up with you because I'm not very good with directions and I might get lost.
Great! Can I borrow your forms? I spilt ketchup on mine.
'So Simon got to hang out with lovely Lauren, 'while I had to stop a fat kid from wandering into the sea.
'Jay was searching for that rarest of beasts - a sexy, middle-aged woman.
' Hurry up, Jay, I've got to get back to help Kennedy out in 15 minutes.
All right, I'll try this one.
- Excuse me.
- Yes? We're doing a survey for school, can I ask you a few questions? - Will it take long? - It can take as long as you like.
Sorry? Nah.
First question, what form of transport did you take into town today? - I drove.
- Drove.
And how often do you use public transport? Um, rarely.
And do you wear, like, stockings and that? Is this about transport? It's just the questions written down.
One last one.
All right.
Oh, hello.
Where's Lauren? She went to get a drink.
She's nice.
I thought you were interested in Carli? Well, sort of, but Lauren's all right, you know? Easy to talk to.
Did she mention me at all? - No.
- Right.
She thought I was really good-looking.
I was not expecting that.
This is a bit weird cos I really like her, but I think she might like you.
If you think she fancies me then I should probably go for it.
Perhaps, except I'm saying that I like her.
I should go for it, though.
Any thoughts on the "me liking her" part? Um, no, sure, good point.
But she is fit, so you can see my problem.
- Not really.
- But you know how it is.
How? How is it? You know.
Why don't we just see what happens later at the dorm.
She might not be interested in either of us.
I suppose that's true, let's wait and see.
No hard feelings if she goes for me? Oh, I'm not worried about that.
All right? Found that nympho yet? - Not yet.
- Surprisingly.
- Where have you been, Neil? - Me and Kennedy went swimming.
- Sorry? - Swimming? - Yeah.
- Just the two of you? Paedo Kennedy took you skinny-dipping? No.
He gave me a spare pair of trunks.
- What, Speedos? - They were, actually.
I'm beginning to see what he gets out of this arrangement, - but what's in it for you? - This.
He got me it from the offy.
- Nice! - Cool.
- Shit! - Now here comes some carnage.
He said don't tell Gilbert.
About the swimming or the planned sexual assault when you're drunk? - Both.
- This is brilliant! We can all get well pissed.
It does mean that we're now pimping Neil out.
- I'm cool with that.
- Me too.
- Shit! - Hide it! It's Lauren.
Are you guys in there? All right? Hey.
There's a load of noise down the hall.
Sounds like a party.
Fancy it? Party, hmmmmm?! Cool, that sounds! You know, you are never, ever going to get laid.
'Jay was wrong.
'Statistically, there was a good chance I would get laid, eventually.
' 'So, we had the booze and the girls, well, 'a girl, now all we needed to get this party started was a party.
' What? - We're here for the party.
- It's that posh little prick.
Ask him if he's got any pictures of his mum.
He's got a bottle of vodka.
Here they are, team twat.
What have you brought me? Well, it's Neil's vodka.
We thought we could join the party Thank you, wankers.
That went well! So I reckon the party's probably over for us then? We could do something else.
Pool? Table tennis? I think I saw the board game Risk downstairs.
Fuck that for a laugh.
I'm going to find that yummy mummy - who wants me to spunk on her tummy.
- A rape-y rhyme.
How lovely.
Come on let's bunk it.
I think I'll call it a night, guys.
Maybe see you at breakfast? Do you wanna walk me back to my dorm? - My pleasure.
- Oh, I meant Simon.
Er, yeah, OK.
Great, we'll both walk you back then.
- See you tomorrow, Will.
- Definitely.
See tomorrow.
Simon, can I speak to you before you head back? Yeah, course.
Good night then, Will.
It's OK, I'll wait for Si.
You can say anything you want in front of me.
Simon, do you fancy hanging out tomorrow maybe, in the free time.
Just the two of us? - Bit rude.
- I'd love to do that.
Cool.
Meet by the harbour after lunch? By the sea? That's where they position them - easier for the boats.
- Good night then, Will.
- Yeah, whatever.
- Good night, Simon.
- Yeah, good night.
Come on then, Si, let's get going.
It's been so nice meeting you, Simon.
I know.
I mean, I feel the same.
Getting late, Si, off we go.
Si.
Come on now, mate.
Right, I'll see you back at the dorm, then.
I'll leave a knife right by my bed, just pop it in my back later, mate.
Right between the shoulder blades.
Night then, Lauren.
'So Simon got a hug.
A hug, not sex.
'But the way he went on about it, you'd think she'd sucked his foreskin.
' Can you believe it? I think she really likes me.
Yeah, I think it's time to get some sleep now.
- Funny that she - Hello.
It's only me, boys.
Just on my way to bed, thought I'd check how you are.
Swimming's tiring, are your legs tired? - I think they're OK.
- Yes.
Quick massage before bedtime? Tired legs.
Come on, John.
Rub down, shift the lactic acid.
Not now, John.
Was that a dream or did that just happen? That was your wet dream.
- No.
It wasn't.
- He rubbed my legs.
That's what you get for leading on paedos.
Shouldn't we report him? - He did give us that vodka.
- That's called "grooming,".
- Is it? - Yes.
Good night.
'Neil didn't seem too scarred 'by the night's events, unlike me.
' You are all right with me seeing Lauren later? - Yes.
Of course.
- She's pretty cool.
Is she? Is she.
Fuck off you beady eyed little shits! Are you sure you're all right with it? - Hi, Simon.
- Hello.
Haven't seen you, where've you been? Just here.
- What are you doing this afternoon? - Nothing.
- Is that correct? - Yes.
I'm sure you've got something on.
No, I don't think so.
As we haven't hung out in ages I thought, like, why don't I see what Simon's doing? - Did you? - Yeah.
That's a real shame, Carli, cos Simon's hanging out with, is it Lauren, this afternoon.
Oh, right, is that the new girl? I saw you talking to her.
- Did you? - Yeah.
Simon can't come cos he's got a date.
Are you going on a date with her? No, not a date.
Just hanging.
I didn't realise it was a date thing.
No, listen to me, it's not a date.
It can't be a date because anyone's welcome.
Me, you, Lauren, who may or may not be coming.
- She is coming.
- I don't care either way if she does.
It would be great to hang out with you.
See you down the front at three? See you later then.
Thanks for nearly fucking that up for me.
I just don't want things to get confusing, you can't meet up with both of them, can you? Shit.
I don't know.
I can't cancel Lauren, can I? Look, Carli means something to you.
You should go out with her.
I'll sort Lauren out.
Yeah.
That's the right thing to do, isn't it? Will you talk to Lauren then? Course.
I'll let her down gently for you, mate.
He's going out with someone else and he couldn't tell you.
He's a twat.
I said I'd do it as I think you deserve an explanation.
That's a shame.
Thanks, Will.
I've hired a boat this afternoon, why don't you come out on it with me? - Oh, I'm not sure.
- Oh, go on! Please? Oh, all right then.
They hire the boats out by the quay.
If you see Simon, best not to mention I said he was a twat.
See you later, then.
'Meanwhile, Jay was still on the hunt for his sex-starved ice-cream lady.
' I don't know.
She looks too old.
We've been here two days and she's the first bird we've seen hanging out here.
She looks like she's only got one leg.
She's probably just got an old face.
Must be all the jizz she's had on it.
I bet her body is still pretty fit.
- How's the sex search going? - Jay thinks it's her.
You must be joking.
She's ancient.
Nah, if she put on a bit of fake tan and slipped into some sexy undies, I'd give it a go.
It must be her.
I've given everyone else the eye.
She looks like she could give you her actual eye.
This is it.
It's now or never.
Get us a 99, Jay.
What can I get you? A cornetto please? One cornetto.
Is that all? - Do you wanna lick it? - Sorry? My cornetto Do you wanna lick it? That is kind.
I've had enough ice cream today though, sweetheart.
Oh, right, bit late am I? Do you want something else? Are you the woman who sucks schoolboys off? Sorry? Can you suck me off? 'It looked like Jay's search for a nympho had hit a brick wall.
' - It's not her then? - No.
'A very old and confused brick wall.
' Yes, a date with Carli.
You have no idea how long I've waited for this.
We have.
Oh, my God.
What does he look like? Permission to come aboard, Captain Cockwash.
Denied, I'm leaving in a minute.
- You're going on a boat trip alone? - That's tragic.
I'm not going on my own.
- Who you going with then? - Lauren.
What? After you told me to not see her? - I didn't say that.
- You said I should choose Carli.
Because she's the one you want to be with.
And you want to be with Lauren so you scared me off.
No, not at all.
I dunno, I think that's a bit dodgy, mate.
- Let's have a go.
- Nope.
- Don't be a dick.
- No.
Go on, I love boats.
I used to go fishing with my dad.
- Fisting? - Fishing.
Just take us up to the sea.
As you stitched me up.
No, she'll be here in 15 minutes.
Oh, I get it, he's scared.
I'm not and that incredibly childish attempt at reverse-psychology will not work.
'All right, so it did work and it was quite good fun, actually.
'Even the locals seemed pleased to see us.
' 'For about ten seconds, anyway.
' Brilliant.
That was great.
Let's head back.
What? You said we could go out to sea.
Well, we can't.
Put your life jacket on, the sea is a cruel mistress.
What's this? - Is this the sail? - It's a fishing line.
Give it here.
Neil, do not throw - What happens now? - Nothing.
You need bait.
Please don't muck around.
There's a £150 deposit on the boat.
Oh, cool, the sea.
Let's get out there.
- Wehay! - Oi, fuck, no, don't.
No, don't.
You are rocking the boat.
I knew this would happen, I'm turning us round and taking us back.
Ooh, fuck.
Oh, God.
Oh, no.
Sorry, Simon.
- Holy fucking shit, that's cold.
- Get him out.
Why did you do that? Was it because of Lauren? No! God, no.
It was an accident.
You total bell-end.
I thought we were friends? I'm sorry.
Shit, we'd better head back in.
- Enjoy your swim? - What? I'm really cold.
Like to my bones.
He's going to get hypothermia.
Neil, undress him.
- I knew it.
- What? You've been waiting for this.
I knew you were bent.
It's first aid.
I was in the Scouts and we did this.
That's not all you did in the Scouts.
No, you're right, we did knots too.
Could someone get me hair gel? Don't take his pants off, you're not your dad.
He has to, it's the safest way.
Put that coat round him, I'll get the engine started.
Don't worry, I'll cover him up.
Fuck, why won't this start? Jay, get that line in.
All right, all right.
Don't shit yourself.
- How has this happened? - It's caught on something.
- It must be caught round the engine.
- Can I huddle up to someone? I'm cold, is anyone else cold? Like, really cold? - Jesus Christ! - Oh, my.
- How the hell has that happened? - It didn't have any bait on it.
- Get it out.
- It's just a fish.
It's a fucking terrifying massive fish.
Get rid of it.
- Oh, God, it's shit itself.
- It's all right.
- Fuck that, we're in serious trouble here.
- What? Oh, what? That's only for emergencies, for emergencies! - Oh, brilliant.
- Oh, my gosh.
That looks warm.
Why the fuck did you do that?! Get the sea police out.
And say what? Help, we've caught a fish? And we're already in the harbour, why did you do? Will they tow us four feet closer to shore? - What if it's a shark? - It's not a shark! - Get it out, Neil! - I'd better kill it.
It's the kindest thing to do.
It won't survive back in the sea now.
Well, that was a much more dignified end for him.
- You punched a fish to death.
- We can take it back and eat it.
I'm not eating that, it's come out the fucking sea.
I'm cold.
Mummy, can you get the potty.
Stay with us, Simon, we'll get you help.
Oh, fuck! Fuck it! Are you OK, Will? Fine thanks.
Be back for you in a minute.
You know you sent a flare up? Thanks, Lauren, won't be a minute.
Is at that a fish?! Yes, Lauren, it's a fucking fish! Give me a minute! Are we going to have to swim back? It's very cold in there.
We'll row back.
On holiday in Spain one year, me and my mate took a pedalo to Africa.
Could you could spare us the bullshit for one minute while I try to figure out how not to die at sea.
Oh, Carli's there.
Look.
Hi, Carli.
Oh, Neil, you put a sock on it.
Is it a bit draughty? We must huddle round him till the lifeboat arrives, then we have to explain that we called them because we caught a fish.
Come here, mate.
Oh, I can see his helmet.
If anything I'm colder than before.
Well, huddle in closer then.
No-one better find out about this.
What apart from everyone over there? Now, we just wait for the sea police.
I'm worried this might look weird.
No, it's totally fine.
We went out for a boat ride and now we've been dragged back to shore, the boat's covered in fish brains and you're naked.
Carli and Lauren will think this is pretty cool? Oh, yeah.
Pretty cool.
'The definition of a field trip is an educational journey 'allowing students to observe events outside their usual experience.
'And so, in that sense, Swanage was a complete success.
'We observed my Star Wars impression' Feisty one, you are! 'Jay getting slapped, Neil punching a fish and Simon's penis in a sock.
'After all that observation, we learnt one thing, 'turns out Mr Kennedy is a paedophile.
' I didn't even get wet.
John! 'But some good came of it.
Lauren had to move away afterwards 'and Simon never saw her again.
'
'I'm still at a normal, terrifying comprehensive, 'cos Mum hasn't enough money to send me back to my old, private 'and let's face it better school.
'But I've made friends and, in some ways, 'this term will be better than the last.
'And in many other ways, a lot, lot worse.
'But before all that, my first hurdle of the new term involved 'a freezing cold day in January, a coach and Jay calling me a bender.
- Morning, benders.
- All right.
This is it.
The Swanage field trip is legendary for carnage.
It's the only reason I chose geography.
Seems a flimsy reason - unspecified carnage.
I'll tell you one thing that won't be flimsy.
My cock.
There's this sexy housewife down there, and every year she fucks one bloke from our school.
- How could you possibly know that? - My mate went last year and banged her.
He said she was the best he'd ever had.
A right fit, mature bird that does it because she loves young meat.
Bollocks! For one thing, you don't even have a mate in year 13.
- Yeah, I do, Chris Groves.
- Never heard of him.
He's not gonna hang out with a twat like you.
Let me get this straight.
Your imaginary friend fucked an imaginary older woman in Swanage, so you decided to do geography A level.
Good plan.
We should have a laugh, do something different.
We could go on a boat trip! I checked online, they hireboats from the harbour.
The internet is wasted on you.
No, I dunno, we should try to get off with the local girls, or get some booze in or something.
What we're shit at here, but by the seaside.
Can't wait.
We could let fireworks off in our room.
Could do.
Might be a bit pointless.
- Neil, what are you doing? - Getting on the coach.
- You don't do geography or sociology.
- I know that.
So what are you doing getting on the coach to the field trip? Jay was going on about how mental it all was, and I wanted to go, so I asked Mr Kennedy if I could come and help out.
Paedo Kennedy? He said yes, presumably? - He did actually.
- Who's Paedo Kennedy? Geography teacher and paedo.
I don't believe the school would employ a paedophile.
- They have done.
- The thing is, they haven't, have they? He was caught wanking over the school orchestra.
- When? - Before we started.
Convenient.
What's he asked you to do? He's got to collect a load of samples.
- What, of your spunk? - Collected in his mouth.
And hair.
Behave.
'So although Neil was now a suspected paedo's plaything, 'we boarded the coach with high hopes.
'It might have been a new term and a new year, 'but some things never change.
' Still going well with Carli, then.
- Shut up.
- Here he is.
Oh, watch out, Neil! Oh, don't do that.
Thumbs up, friend! Weird, old, inappropriate friend! - Spunk samples friend! - Why did he have to do the thumbs up? That's what'll go up your arse.
It's going up your arse first 'But in all the excitement, we'd forgotten the first rule of coach travel.
- 'Hard kids at the back.
' - I'm off.
No, Stay! There's no reason for us to move, and we're not moving! Move.
- Why should we move? - D'you want me to give you a reason? Well, I'm not leaving without one.
- I don't think you understand.
- I don't think that you understand that we got up early to secure these seats and Fine, good point.
Fuck, where we gonna sit now? What is going on? Will you lot sit down.
Our seats have been taken.
There's nowhere left.
There's loads at the front.
Sit next to John.
I'm not sitting next to John, his fat arse takes up two seats.
I have feelings too, you know.
Fine, you're sitting next to me.
Oh, what?! Well, it's me or Mr Kennedy.
Now, come on, hurry up! And McKenzie, sit down.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Um, who are you? I'm Lauren Harris.
I'm new.
Hi, I'm Will McKenzie.
Scary being new, isn't it? It is a bit.
The way the kids threaten to beat you up and call you names like, "briefcase wanker!" Oh, it's not been like that.
No, it wasn't for me either.
'I was more used to field trips to places like the Alps or Barcelona, 'than shitty English seaside towns, but as we headed to Swanage, 'there was a sense of excitement, a feeling that anything could happen 'for the first couple of hours, 'then it became another incredibly tedious coach journey.
' Don't even think about trying to talk to me.
Oi, who wants to swap seats? Nah, you're all right.
Oh, God, it's so boring up there.
Wait a minute, who's Spongebob shit-his-pants talking to? She's fit! Yeah, she is.
- This'll get her attention.
- Neil, don't be embarrassing.
Oi, everyone, watch this.
- What's going on? - Neil's being silly.
Is he doing that horn thing? That's funny.
Yeah, no, really funny silly, isn't it? Silly in a funny way.
- Do it again, Neil.
- Yeah, do it again, Neil.
Here, if you like that, I got a good one.
Such a Don't be silly.
What? They loved it.
Cartwright.
Sit down.
'So far, the only unspecified carnage 'we had witnessed was what Big John had left in the coach toilet.
'But Jay wasn't giving up on finding his mythical seaside MILF.
' Where do you think this nympho hangs out? Not sure.
High Street, maybe? Or by the ice-cream stall on the front? Apparently, she comes up to you and asks for a lick of your Cornetto.
It means she's offering a cock-in-mouth situation.
- It's like a code.
- Brilliant.
Will, bit embarrassing, but do you mind if I sit with you at lunch? You know, cos I've got no mates.
- God! No problem at all.
- You can sit on my lap if you like.
No, thank you.
You should know, that thing you did on the bus was really sad and pathetic and not funny.
I'll see you later.
Frigid.
You won't be getting off with Lauren, then.
Who cares? She's just a little girl.
I didn't come down here for girls, I get enough of them back home.
Nah, I come here for a woman.
- She is fit, though.
- What? - Lauren's fit, isn't she? - I saw her first.
What? I only said she was fit.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi! - Here, sit down here.
- I'm just off actually.
Don't leave on my account.
It's not that, it's just I've got to see a man about a dog, then a woman about a pussy.
I do know what that means.
- Right.
You coming, Neil? - Yeah.
- I'm Simon, by the way.
- Hi, Simon.
Sorry about those two.
It's all right, I've a younger brother, so I'm used to it.
Actually, he's eight, so he's a bit more mature, but you know Feisty one, you are! - What? - Feisty one, you are! Why are you talking like that? It was Yoda.
From Star Wars.
It's the same impression I was doing on the coach for about an hour.
Is that what that was? Oh, good.
I thought you might, you know, have a problem.
- No.
- Or Asperger's, maybe? Wrong again! Have you ever been tested for anything? Good one.
I was going to ask, would one of you do the survey with me, you know, cos I've got no mates and all that? - I will.
- Really? Yep.
I don't think you can, actually.
- Why not? - Yeah, why not? Maybe because of what I mentioned earlier? Jay fucking an old woman? Oh, ladies present.
No, the other thing.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Will, Lauren doesn't know anyone, don't be a dick.
I'm not being a dick, Simon, I'm just saying who am I going to do my survey with? Oh, no.
Mr Gilbert says I'm to pair up with you because I'm not very good with directions and I might get lost.
Great! Can I borrow your forms? I spilt ketchup on mine.
'So Simon got to hang out with lovely Lauren, 'while I had to stop a fat kid from wandering into the sea.
'Jay was searching for that rarest of beasts - a sexy, middle-aged woman.
' Hurry up, Jay, I've got to get back to help Kennedy out in 15 minutes.
All right, I'll try this one.
- Excuse me.
- Yes? We're doing a survey for school, can I ask you a few questions? - Will it take long? - It can take as long as you like.
Sorry? Nah.
First question, what form of transport did you take into town today? - I drove.
- Drove.
And how often do you use public transport? Um, rarely.
And do you wear, like, stockings and that? Is this about transport? It's just the questions written down.
One last one.
All right.
Oh, hello.
Where's Lauren? She went to get a drink.
She's nice.
I thought you were interested in Carli? Well, sort of, but Lauren's all right, you know? Easy to talk to.
Did she mention me at all? - No.
- Right.
She thought I was really good-looking.
I was not expecting that.
This is a bit weird cos I really like her, but I think she might like you.
If you think she fancies me then I should probably go for it.
Perhaps, except I'm saying that I like her.
I should go for it, though.
Any thoughts on the "me liking her" part? Um, no, sure, good point.
But she is fit, so you can see my problem.
- Not really.
- But you know how it is.
How? How is it? You know.
Why don't we just see what happens later at the dorm.
She might not be interested in either of us.
I suppose that's true, let's wait and see.
No hard feelings if she goes for me? Oh, I'm not worried about that.
All right? Found that nympho yet? - Not yet.
- Surprisingly.
- Where have you been, Neil? - Me and Kennedy went swimming.
- Sorry? - Swimming? - Yeah.
- Just the two of you? Paedo Kennedy took you skinny-dipping? No.
He gave me a spare pair of trunks.
- What, Speedos? - They were, actually.
I'm beginning to see what he gets out of this arrangement, - but what's in it for you? - This.
He got me it from the offy.
- Nice! - Cool.
- Shit! - Now here comes some carnage.
He said don't tell Gilbert.
About the swimming or the planned sexual assault when you're drunk? - Both.
- This is brilliant! We can all get well pissed.
It does mean that we're now pimping Neil out.
- I'm cool with that.
- Me too.
- Shit! - Hide it! It's Lauren.
Are you guys in there? All right? Hey.
There's a load of noise down the hall.
Sounds like a party.
Fancy it? Party, hmmmmm?! Cool, that sounds! You know, you are never, ever going to get laid.
'Jay was wrong.
'Statistically, there was a good chance I would get laid, eventually.
' 'So, we had the booze and the girls, well, 'a girl, now all we needed to get this party started was a party.
' What? - We're here for the party.
- It's that posh little prick.
Ask him if he's got any pictures of his mum.
He's got a bottle of vodka.
Here they are, team twat.
What have you brought me? Well, it's Neil's vodka.
We thought we could join the party Thank you, wankers.
That went well! So I reckon the party's probably over for us then? We could do something else.
Pool? Table tennis? I think I saw the board game Risk downstairs.
Fuck that for a laugh.
I'm going to find that yummy mummy - who wants me to spunk on her tummy.
- A rape-y rhyme.
How lovely.
Come on let's bunk it.
I think I'll call it a night, guys.
Maybe see you at breakfast? Do you wanna walk me back to my dorm? - My pleasure.
- Oh, I meant Simon.
Er, yeah, OK.
Great, we'll both walk you back then.
- See you tomorrow, Will.
- Definitely.
See tomorrow.
Simon, can I speak to you before you head back? Yeah, course.
Good night then, Will.
It's OK, I'll wait for Si.
You can say anything you want in front of me.
Simon, do you fancy hanging out tomorrow maybe, in the free time.
Just the two of us? - Bit rude.
- I'd love to do that.
Cool.
Meet by the harbour after lunch? By the sea? That's where they position them - easier for the boats.
- Good night then, Will.
- Yeah, whatever.
- Good night, Simon.
- Yeah, good night.
Come on then, Si, let's get going.
It's been so nice meeting you, Simon.
I know.
I mean, I feel the same.
Getting late, Si, off we go.
Si.
Come on now, mate.
Right, I'll see you back at the dorm, then.
I'll leave a knife right by my bed, just pop it in my back later, mate.
Right between the shoulder blades.
Night then, Lauren.
'So Simon got a hug.
A hug, not sex.
'But the way he went on about it, you'd think she'd sucked his foreskin.
' Can you believe it? I think she really likes me.
Yeah, I think it's time to get some sleep now.
- Funny that she - Hello.
It's only me, boys.
Just on my way to bed, thought I'd check how you are.
Swimming's tiring, are your legs tired? - I think they're OK.
- Yes.
Quick massage before bedtime? Tired legs.
Come on, John.
Rub down, shift the lactic acid.
Not now, John.
Was that a dream or did that just happen? That was your wet dream.
- No.
It wasn't.
- He rubbed my legs.
That's what you get for leading on paedos.
Shouldn't we report him? - He did give us that vodka.
- That's called "grooming,".
- Is it? - Yes.
Good night.
'Neil didn't seem too scarred 'by the night's events, unlike me.
' You are all right with me seeing Lauren later? - Yes.
Of course.
- She's pretty cool.
Is she? Is she.
Fuck off you beady eyed little shits! Are you sure you're all right with it? - Hi, Simon.
- Hello.
Haven't seen you, where've you been? Just here.
- What are you doing this afternoon? - Nothing.
- Is that correct? - Yes.
I'm sure you've got something on.
No, I don't think so.
As we haven't hung out in ages I thought, like, why don't I see what Simon's doing? - Did you? - Yeah.
That's a real shame, Carli, cos Simon's hanging out with, is it Lauren, this afternoon.
Oh, right, is that the new girl? I saw you talking to her.
- Did you? - Yeah.
Simon can't come cos he's got a date.
Are you going on a date with her? No, not a date.
Just hanging.
I didn't realise it was a date thing.
No, listen to me, it's not a date.
It can't be a date because anyone's welcome.
Me, you, Lauren, who may or may not be coming.
- She is coming.
- I don't care either way if she does.
It would be great to hang out with you.
See you down the front at three? See you later then.
Thanks for nearly fucking that up for me.
I just don't want things to get confusing, you can't meet up with both of them, can you? Shit.
I don't know.
I can't cancel Lauren, can I? Look, Carli means something to you.
You should go out with her.
I'll sort Lauren out.
Yeah.
That's the right thing to do, isn't it? Will you talk to Lauren then? Course.
I'll let her down gently for you, mate.
He's going out with someone else and he couldn't tell you.
He's a twat.
I said I'd do it as I think you deserve an explanation.
That's a shame.
Thanks, Will.
I've hired a boat this afternoon, why don't you come out on it with me? - Oh, I'm not sure.
- Oh, go on! Please? Oh, all right then.
They hire the boats out by the quay.
If you see Simon, best not to mention I said he was a twat.
See you later, then.
'Meanwhile, Jay was still on the hunt for his sex-starved ice-cream lady.
' I don't know.
She looks too old.
We've been here two days and she's the first bird we've seen hanging out here.
She looks like she's only got one leg.
She's probably just got an old face.
Must be all the jizz she's had on it.
I bet her body is still pretty fit.
- How's the sex search going? - Jay thinks it's her.
You must be joking.
She's ancient.
Nah, if she put on a bit of fake tan and slipped into some sexy undies, I'd give it a go.
It must be her.
I've given everyone else the eye.
She looks like she could give you her actual eye.
This is it.
It's now or never.
Get us a 99, Jay.
What can I get you? A cornetto please? One cornetto.
Is that all? - Do you wanna lick it? - Sorry? My cornetto Do you wanna lick it? That is kind.
I've had enough ice cream today though, sweetheart.
Oh, right, bit late am I? Do you want something else? Are you the woman who sucks schoolboys off? Sorry? Can you suck me off? 'It looked like Jay's search for a nympho had hit a brick wall.
' - It's not her then? - No.
'A very old and confused brick wall.
' Yes, a date with Carli.
You have no idea how long I've waited for this.
We have.
Oh, my God.
What does he look like? Permission to come aboard, Captain Cockwash.
Denied, I'm leaving in a minute.
- You're going on a boat trip alone? - That's tragic.
I'm not going on my own.
- Who you going with then? - Lauren.
What? After you told me to not see her? - I didn't say that.
- You said I should choose Carli.
Because she's the one you want to be with.
And you want to be with Lauren so you scared me off.
No, not at all.
I dunno, I think that's a bit dodgy, mate.
- Let's have a go.
- Nope.
- Don't be a dick.
- No.
Go on, I love boats.
I used to go fishing with my dad.
- Fisting? - Fishing.
Just take us up to the sea.
As you stitched me up.
No, she'll be here in 15 minutes.
Oh, I get it, he's scared.
I'm not and that incredibly childish attempt at reverse-psychology will not work.
'All right, so it did work and it was quite good fun, actually.
'Even the locals seemed pleased to see us.
' 'For about ten seconds, anyway.
' Brilliant.
That was great.
Let's head back.
What? You said we could go out to sea.
Well, we can't.
Put your life jacket on, the sea is a cruel mistress.
What's this? - Is this the sail? - It's a fishing line.
Give it here.
Neil, do not throw - What happens now? - Nothing.
You need bait.
Please don't muck around.
There's a £150 deposit on the boat.
Oh, cool, the sea.
Let's get out there.
- Wehay! - Oi, fuck, no, don't.
No, don't.
You are rocking the boat.
I knew this would happen, I'm turning us round and taking us back.
Ooh, fuck.
Oh, God.
Oh, no.
Sorry, Simon.
- Holy fucking shit, that's cold.
- Get him out.
Why did you do that? Was it because of Lauren? No! God, no.
It was an accident.
You total bell-end.
I thought we were friends? I'm sorry.
Shit, we'd better head back in.
- Enjoy your swim? - What? I'm really cold.
Like to my bones.
He's going to get hypothermia.
Neil, undress him.
- I knew it.
- What? You've been waiting for this.
I knew you were bent.
It's first aid.
I was in the Scouts and we did this.
That's not all you did in the Scouts.
No, you're right, we did knots too.
Could someone get me hair gel? Don't take his pants off, you're not your dad.
He has to, it's the safest way.
Put that coat round him, I'll get the engine started.
Don't worry, I'll cover him up.
Fuck, why won't this start? Jay, get that line in.
All right, all right.
Don't shit yourself.
- How has this happened? - It's caught on something.
- It must be caught round the engine.
- Can I huddle up to someone? I'm cold, is anyone else cold? Like, really cold? - Jesus Christ! - Oh, my.
- How the hell has that happened? - It didn't have any bait on it.
- Get it out.
- It's just a fish.
It's a fucking terrifying massive fish.
Get rid of it.
- Oh, God, it's shit itself.
- It's all right.
- Fuck that, we're in serious trouble here.
- What? Oh, what? That's only for emergencies, for emergencies! - Oh, brilliant.
- Oh, my gosh.
That looks warm.
Why the fuck did you do that?! Get the sea police out.
And say what? Help, we've caught a fish? And we're already in the harbour, why did you do? Will they tow us four feet closer to shore? - What if it's a shark? - It's not a shark! - Get it out, Neil! - I'd better kill it.
It's the kindest thing to do.
It won't survive back in the sea now.
Well, that was a much more dignified end for him.
- You punched a fish to death.
- We can take it back and eat it.
I'm not eating that, it's come out the fucking sea.
I'm cold.
Mummy, can you get the potty.
Stay with us, Simon, we'll get you help.
Oh, fuck! Fuck it! Are you OK, Will? Fine thanks.
Be back for you in a minute.
You know you sent a flare up? Thanks, Lauren, won't be a minute.
Is at that a fish?! Yes, Lauren, it's a fucking fish! Give me a minute! Are we going to have to swim back? It's very cold in there.
We'll row back.
On holiday in Spain one year, me and my mate took a pedalo to Africa.
Could you could spare us the bullshit for one minute while I try to figure out how not to die at sea.
Oh, Carli's there.
Look.
Hi, Carli.
Oh, Neil, you put a sock on it.
Is it a bit draughty? We must huddle round him till the lifeboat arrives, then we have to explain that we called them because we caught a fish.
Come here, mate.
Oh, I can see his helmet.
If anything I'm colder than before.
Well, huddle in closer then.
No-one better find out about this.
What apart from everyone over there? Now, we just wait for the sea police.
I'm worried this might look weird.
No, it's totally fine.
We went out for a boat ride and now we've been dragged back to shore, the boat's covered in fish brains and you're naked.
Carli and Lauren will think this is pretty cool? Oh, yeah.
Pretty cool.
'The definition of a field trip is an educational journey 'allowing students to observe events outside their usual experience.
'And so, in that sense, Swanage was a complete success.
'We observed my Star Wars impression' Feisty one, you are! 'Jay getting slapped, Neil punching a fish and Simon's penis in a sock.
'After all that observation, we learnt one thing, 'turns out Mr Kennedy is a paedophile.
' I didn't even get wet.
John! 'But some good came of it.
Lauren had to move away afterwards 'and Simon never saw her again.
'