The Inbetweeners (US) (2012) s01e01 Episode Script
First Day
1 My name is Will Mackenzie, and these are my closest friends.
So you're sticking with the briefcase.
It's a messenger bag.
It's definitely a briefcase.
Or a purse.
Well, my last school discouraged backpacks.
They don't want us to look like a bunch of ninja turtles.
They wanted you to look like dickheads? I've known them since yesterday, which is also when I met the school's vice principal.
Simon.
Come here.
This right here is William Mackenzie.
He is just transferred here, and you have been selected to show him around.
What? Why me? Because you were standing closest to the door.
What is that? A briefcase? It's a messenger bag.
Oh, is it delivering the message "My mom dressed me"? He's like a miniature grown-up, but full-sized.
Stop it.
Why do I have to show him around? Because William suffered from bulling issues at his last school.
What? No, I didn't.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
Sorry, but it is, and I wasn't, so It was your face, I bet.
You know, you do have one of those faces that just makes people wanna boom.
What? Nothing.
Welcome to grove high.
Get to class! It wasn't my idea to transfer here But it also wasn't my idea for my dad to run off with his secretary and leave my mom with no way to pay my private school fees.
But this place is real and try to put a fee on that.
Oh, I think these are my sister's pants.
Yeah, I wasn't gonna say anything, but you have a rhinestone butterfly on the back.
Give it.
Give me the ball.
You really think throwing a football will make a girl like you? Yeah.
It makes her see him as an athlete.
It's subliminal advertising.
It's the opposite of subliminal, actually.
It's true.
It's liminal.
Not a word.
You know we don't like you, right? And as I came from a school where popularity was determined by how early you got into Harvard You see that throw? It was nice to be somewhere you could have it by throwing a football.
Oh! Yep, this was going to be great.
So far, my time in public school has been a wonderful voyage of discovery Hi.
About how different public schools work, especially the toilets, which have no doors on them to discourage drug use.
This also, curiously enough, discourages [bleep.]
.
But at least I got to spend some more time with my new friends.
I'm telling you guys, I spent the entire summer trapping beaver.
Okay, that's the thing about RV girls, is that they all have the same thing in common.
They're poor? No, these girls are sluts, dude, and they'll do it to you for hours.
I'm so good at sex now.
Really? So what is the best way to do it, then? Deep.
Just like real deep to the balls.
Do you put the balls in? What? I heard you gotta put your balls in if you really want to get a girl off.
Yeah, you can.
It's preference.
Some girls like it.
Some girls don't.
Personally, I like to go in past the balls.
That doesn't even make sense.
Yes, it does.
No, because you've never had sex with anyone, and neither have I, and neither has Neil.
Okay, well, you guys can think what you want, but I--I have busted enough condoms to tell you that-- Oh, [bleep.]
.
Oh, sorry.
Oh, sorry.
Go huskies.
And as much as I wished I didn't fit in with these idiots I did.
Run 'cause you're gonna go down, down, down run 'cause you're gonna go down, down, down so don't look back into the sun look back you better run you're gonna go down, down, down run 'cause you're gonna go down, down, down Jesus Christ.
What? Good manners cost nothing.
My dad brang me new pants.
Oh, yeah? Did you "brang" him his back? Those were my sister's.
Yeah, your dad's more of a cutoffs guy.
What is that supposed to mean? It means there isn't room in his closest for anything besides cutoffs and him.
My dad is not gay.
Does an awful lot of gardening.
Yeah, but he lifts up weights too.
You should see him with his shirt off.
Yeah, he's always telling us the same thing.
My dad is not gay! I can sit anywhere, right? Tables aren't assigned? You're lucky we let you sit with us, dress 4 less.
That blazer makes all of us look uncool.
We're barely above the wall eaters now.
Oh, no.
Those guys aren't gonna have sex until they're dead.
But we will be banging bitches by the end of the week.
It's time we turn the panty tide in our direction.
We're skipping school tomorrow.
What? Girls love rebels, and it's time to show them who we really are.
By not showing them who you are.
Does seem a little backwards.
Well, that's how the female mind works.
But, whatever, do what you want.
I mean, I'm already up to my nuts in guts.
I was just trying to help you guys bang something other than your right hands.
Oh, it's left for me.
It feels more like someone else is doing it.
Just do what your dad does and have someone else do it.
My dad is not gay.
You know, it'd be fine if he was.
I actually have a gay uncle who's actually single right now.
Oh, why does he have to garden? I'm trying to help.
Well, if skipping school helps me with Carly, I'm in.
I mean, I've had a crush on her since we were eight.
You had a crush on an eight-year-old? Our families are friends, Neil.
We were both eight.
Yeah, but still, you were attracted to an eight-year-old.
Well, she's not eight anymore, and she's looking good.
Who's looking good? Ah, nobody.
Our football team.
We're gonna be great this year.
Go huskies! Shut the [bleep.]
up.
Yeah, piss off.
So I didn't see much of you this summer.
I guess you stopped going to church with your parents, huh? Yeah.
I spent most of my Sundays just jamming on my strat.
Music's my church now.
Yeah, your mom told me you got a job at the cracker barrel.
Did she? But that wasn't our agreement.
No, it's cool.
Are you wearing aftershave? Kind of an all-over body spray.
I like it.
It's like a leathery musk.
That part's just me.
I'm headed to the science building.
Are you? No, I-- go ahead.
Just do it.
Okay, bye.
Bye, Wendy.
Bye, nobody.
Dude, are you mental? Why didn't you walk her to class? I'm good.
Oh.
Did the pretty little lady give Simon a boner? No.
Oh, man, I think she did.
Seriously? Simon's got a boner! Simon's got a boner! Just kidding, man.
If I was going to survive this school, I knew I couldn't do it alone.
So looks like I don't have any grade-determining assignments tomorrow, if you guys are serious about skipping.
Who said you were invited? Oh, man, we have to be invited? Oh, my God.
And given enough time People will always find something they like about you.
Holy [bleep.]
.
Even if it's not you.
Dude, is that your mom? Yes.
I told her not to come and pick me up.
She is hot.
Yeah, I'd renob her in a second.
I'm not gonna ask what that means.
"Renob" is "boner" backwards.
I'd literally renob her so hard that my penis would be pushed back into my body.
Thanks.
She's so hot she could be a prostitute.
Nobody be afraid to say what you're thinking.
When was the last time that you saw her naked? I'm walking away now.
Um, Simon's gonna email you his address, so we'll meet there in the morning.
Maybe mom can drop you off.
So you made some friends already? I wasn't very selective.
Oh, well, just make sure they're nice to you, okay? I don't want to see you get bullied again.
Did you tell them I was bullied at St.
Mary's? I thought you were.
No, I got wedgied a few times, but that was just a fad.
Oh.
The next morning, I headed to Simon's house to skip school for the first time ever.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
So who was this new boy that's dropping you to school? Oh, there he is.
Good morning, all.
You're old enough to drive? Yes.
Yeah--yes, I am that old enough to drive.
I drive everywhere.
I drove here, even.
I parked right over there.
The panel van.
Yes.
It is a little molestery, but I got it at a great deal from a molester, but he never molested in it.
You know, just transported to molest.
Stop saying "molest.
" I can't.
Bye, mom.
That was flawless.
Guys.
Molester.
I should have pointed to the Volvo.
Dude, you think? Hey.
You guys need a lift? Sure.
Neil? Oh, maybe later, I guess.
You got cool muscles.
Neil! All right.
So so far, skipping school had consisted of lying to Simon's mom, dodging a rape, and hanging out with the only other people not in school or at work: Two-year-olds.
What? All right, this is totally lame.
Yo, we should get a game of red rover going with them or something.
No, Neil, we should get some booze.
How? Well, we could have used my fake I.
D.
, but I totally lost it in this drug rave last night.
It's so stupid.
Yeah, you'd think you'd be more careful in your made-up fantasies.
Actually they're not made up, dickhead.
'Cause if you tested my piss right now, it'd be, like, 80% coke.
You know, it's the middle of the school day.
Liquor stores are expecting adults.
I mean, somebody just has to look the part.
Good afternoon.
Hey.
Yes.
Hey.
Uh, I am a man who has recently bought a house in the area, and I'm gonna be throwing a housewarming party, which I'll be inviting a lot of my work friends to-- other adults, you know, hence the potato chips.
And I am probably gonna need some alcohol to go with the potato chips.
What type of thing are you looking for? Uh, can I have a bottle of, uh, Babnik? Vodka.
Yes.
Is it a good year? What? I'm sure it is.
Can I have two bottles of that, please? Right.
That'll be $49.
50.
Anything else? Hmm, what's on special? Me letting you buy this if you're outta here in five seconds.
I think this'll do it.
Doom-doom-doom-doom doom-da-doom doom-doom-doom 3, 6, 9 very, very fine hoping she can sock it to me one more time drink.
Low get low, get low get low oh, my God.
I can't feel my throat.
Maybe we're supposed to mix it with something.
Are you serious, man? This is awesome.
You still have half of yours left.
I know, man.
I'm making it last.
I wish Carly could see me now.
I should text her a picture, huh? Show her how much of a badass I am.
I don't think badasses text pictures of themselves, though.
Only of their [bleep.]
.
I do it all the time.
It's like a bat signal for snizz.
Chicks always text back a beaver shot.
Really? Let's see one, then.
You wouldn't be able to tell what it was, because they take it from the inside.
You know, guys, if this skipping thing helps us with chicks, I don't want to have sex with just anybody.
I want to lose it with someone I love.
I love Carly.
I do.
I love her.
I mean, she's beautiful.
She's smart.
She makes me laugh.
Why don't you tell her that? Girls like being told guys like them.
Just be direct and spray paint it on an overpass.
No, no, no, no.
That's not romantic enough.
You want to get the girl? Gotta aim straight for the heart.
Like milk.
Catch.
This is cool, right? Oh, yeah, man.
Super cool.
It's so cool.
I think writing her last name is especially important, even though it's her driveway.
What the hell is that? What? Simon? Why are you spray-painting my driveway? Um what is it-- you love me? I can easily wash this off, and we can pretend this never happened, and you could not tell anyone, and I could not tell anyone, and your friends could not tell anyone.
Oh, I'm telling everyone.
Simon, we've known each other since we were eight.
Why are you doing this now? I--it was a dare.
So what then? You're in love with me? Maybe we could just talk about this another time.
This couldn't have gone any better.
She doesn't love you, man.
You wasted all that paint.
Actually I think this is cool.
It's like some underground graffiti artist thing.
Wait, huh? Yeah, you know what? Why don't you come over later? I'm babysitting my brother.
We can talk about it then.
Really? Come after 8:00, 'cause my parents will be gone by then, and you should probably avoid them until this washes off.
Not sure it washes off.
See you tonight.
I-- I can't believe that worked.
I second that.
Dude, it's because you're so drunk.
You're like Kurt Cobain.
I think he was on heroin.
Do I have to do heroin? Probably won't hurt.
Well, it's really hard to find, and I don't want to dip into my personal stash, so okay, so what do I do about tonight? Easy.
Get way more drunk.
Dong, dong, dong.
Between all the vodka we drank and what Jay poured on the ground in honor of dead rappers, we were out of booze.
But luckily I found a few bottles my mom hadn't thrown at my dad.
Hey, when's the MILF getting home? Not until 6:00.
We're fine.
No, I wasn't afraid of getting caught.
I was asking because I want to go through her panty drawer.
I'm guessing all thongs.
Or crotch-less teddies.
Please stop.
You should be proud, Will.
None of our moms are attractive.
I can barely look at mine.
Neither can you dad.
What? My dad's not gay.
Then why did your mom leave him? Because they have issues.
He needed some space.
Space for another penis.
Okay, I'm not sure the gold flakes are supposed to be in there, so try and drink around them.
Great.
So what do I do tonight? I need a plan.
Easy.
You bring one of us along to watch the little brother, and then you and Carly go at it, and I'm thinking you take me.
Dude, she might want double penetration, and I'm the only one with experience in both holes.
Ill.
What? So after three hours of drinking what tasted like mouthwash and formaldehyde, Simon was ready.
Hi.
Hi.
Hello.
Oh, hey.
Will, right? Is he your chaperone? Uh, it's cool, baby.
He's just here to look after your brother while we chat, you know? About our feelings.
Hmm.
Let's not call me "baby," though.
Really? Come in.
I was just about to grab a drink.
Dylan's in the TV room, Will.
Dad totally lost it when he saw the driveway.
He's gonna make your parents pay for a stone cleaner.
It's worth it.
Do you smell windex? God, I really hate that smell, you know.
Shh.
Ew.
Is it you? What have you been drinking? Shoot.
My manners.
You want some? Oh, God.
What homeless guy did you steal that from? I think I'll stick with wine.
Wine's for girls.
I am a girl.
Well, I'm a man, and this is a man's drink, and if you can't take me like this, then I'm sorry, baby.
But this is the package.
Oh, I've seen this one.
It's about what would happen if a chemical bomb hit the city.
Streets would pile up with corpses, stacked up on the curb like recs.
My parents are in the city.
Would they be killed? Yep.
Stacked up on a curb.
My mom and dad are dead? What? Come on.
You know why I'm here, and I know why I'm here, and you know why I'm here.
Just kiss me.
Simon, you know I have a boyfriend.
But we're meant to be together.
Come on, let's just renob.
What? Sex me.
Jesus, Simon.
Simon? Are you all right? Oh,.
Oh I don't feel very Dylan! Ooh.
Look, I'm very sorry.
I--good, still warm.
Um, I was just explaining the effects of chemical warfare.
To an eight-year-old? He won't sleep for a week now, you idiot.
I am really sorry.
I think I ate something.
Maybe we could just sit down and we could talk about us and I think we'll be going now.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Though the night was a complete disaster, it actually brought the two of us closer-- friends forged out of failure.
We were the golden flakes floating in the pool of vomit, and there was comfort knowing it would never get any worse than this.
Is that your mom's car? I stand corrected.
I mean, did you think the school wouldn't call us, Simon? And why do you smell like vomit and cheap alcohol? Wasn't cheap.
It had gold in it.
And you, Will, you've never done anything irresponsible.
Now all of a sudden you're skipping school? Why? I It was all my idea.
I couldn't go back to school.
I'm getting bullied again, mom.
It's happening all over again.
So I think it's safe to say public school is going to work out fine.
I have three friends that seem to accept me, and a lifetime of superior private education to get me out of any jam this environment can present.
Who knows, I might even get laid.
Morning, students.
First off I want to report that we have had a formal suit filed by the mother of William Mackenzie regarding his treatment by the student body.
Let me just say this, any student caught bullying him or causing him any emotional or physical distress will be severely disciplined by the school and possibly outside law enforcement.
Will is a good boy with a great big heart.
Even though his body isn't maturing as fast as others might be He deserves your respect.
Then again, I'm a [bleep.]
idiot.
So you're sticking with the briefcase.
It's a messenger bag.
It's definitely a briefcase.
Or a purse.
Well, my last school discouraged backpacks.
They don't want us to look like a bunch of ninja turtles.
They wanted you to look like dickheads? I've known them since yesterday, which is also when I met the school's vice principal.
Simon.
Come here.
This right here is William Mackenzie.
He is just transferred here, and you have been selected to show him around.
What? Why me? Because you were standing closest to the door.
What is that? A briefcase? It's a messenger bag.
Oh, is it delivering the message "My mom dressed me"? He's like a miniature grown-up, but full-sized.
Stop it.
Why do I have to show him around? Because William suffered from bulling issues at his last school.
What? No, I didn't.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
Sorry, but it is, and I wasn't, so It was your face, I bet.
You know, you do have one of those faces that just makes people wanna boom.
What? Nothing.
Welcome to grove high.
Get to class! It wasn't my idea to transfer here But it also wasn't my idea for my dad to run off with his secretary and leave my mom with no way to pay my private school fees.
But this place is real and try to put a fee on that.
Oh, I think these are my sister's pants.
Yeah, I wasn't gonna say anything, but you have a rhinestone butterfly on the back.
Give it.
Give me the ball.
You really think throwing a football will make a girl like you? Yeah.
It makes her see him as an athlete.
It's subliminal advertising.
It's the opposite of subliminal, actually.
It's true.
It's liminal.
Not a word.
You know we don't like you, right? And as I came from a school where popularity was determined by how early you got into Harvard You see that throw? It was nice to be somewhere you could have it by throwing a football.
Oh! Yep, this was going to be great.
So far, my time in public school has been a wonderful voyage of discovery Hi.
About how different public schools work, especially the toilets, which have no doors on them to discourage drug use.
This also, curiously enough, discourages [bleep.]
.
But at least I got to spend some more time with my new friends.
I'm telling you guys, I spent the entire summer trapping beaver.
Okay, that's the thing about RV girls, is that they all have the same thing in common.
They're poor? No, these girls are sluts, dude, and they'll do it to you for hours.
I'm so good at sex now.
Really? So what is the best way to do it, then? Deep.
Just like real deep to the balls.
Do you put the balls in? What? I heard you gotta put your balls in if you really want to get a girl off.
Yeah, you can.
It's preference.
Some girls like it.
Some girls don't.
Personally, I like to go in past the balls.
That doesn't even make sense.
Yes, it does.
No, because you've never had sex with anyone, and neither have I, and neither has Neil.
Okay, well, you guys can think what you want, but I--I have busted enough condoms to tell you that-- Oh, [bleep.]
.
Oh, sorry.
Oh, sorry.
Go huskies.
And as much as I wished I didn't fit in with these idiots I did.
Run 'cause you're gonna go down, down, down run 'cause you're gonna go down, down, down so don't look back into the sun look back you better run you're gonna go down, down, down run 'cause you're gonna go down, down, down Jesus Christ.
What? Good manners cost nothing.
My dad brang me new pants.
Oh, yeah? Did you "brang" him his back? Those were my sister's.
Yeah, your dad's more of a cutoffs guy.
What is that supposed to mean? It means there isn't room in his closest for anything besides cutoffs and him.
My dad is not gay.
Does an awful lot of gardening.
Yeah, but he lifts up weights too.
You should see him with his shirt off.
Yeah, he's always telling us the same thing.
My dad is not gay! I can sit anywhere, right? Tables aren't assigned? You're lucky we let you sit with us, dress 4 less.
That blazer makes all of us look uncool.
We're barely above the wall eaters now.
Oh, no.
Those guys aren't gonna have sex until they're dead.
But we will be banging bitches by the end of the week.
It's time we turn the panty tide in our direction.
We're skipping school tomorrow.
What? Girls love rebels, and it's time to show them who we really are.
By not showing them who you are.
Does seem a little backwards.
Well, that's how the female mind works.
But, whatever, do what you want.
I mean, I'm already up to my nuts in guts.
I was just trying to help you guys bang something other than your right hands.
Oh, it's left for me.
It feels more like someone else is doing it.
Just do what your dad does and have someone else do it.
My dad is not gay.
You know, it'd be fine if he was.
I actually have a gay uncle who's actually single right now.
Oh, why does he have to garden? I'm trying to help.
Well, if skipping school helps me with Carly, I'm in.
I mean, I've had a crush on her since we were eight.
You had a crush on an eight-year-old? Our families are friends, Neil.
We were both eight.
Yeah, but still, you were attracted to an eight-year-old.
Well, she's not eight anymore, and she's looking good.
Who's looking good? Ah, nobody.
Our football team.
We're gonna be great this year.
Go huskies! Shut the [bleep.]
up.
Yeah, piss off.
So I didn't see much of you this summer.
I guess you stopped going to church with your parents, huh? Yeah.
I spent most of my Sundays just jamming on my strat.
Music's my church now.
Yeah, your mom told me you got a job at the cracker barrel.
Did she? But that wasn't our agreement.
No, it's cool.
Are you wearing aftershave? Kind of an all-over body spray.
I like it.
It's like a leathery musk.
That part's just me.
I'm headed to the science building.
Are you? No, I-- go ahead.
Just do it.
Okay, bye.
Bye, Wendy.
Bye, nobody.
Dude, are you mental? Why didn't you walk her to class? I'm good.
Oh.
Did the pretty little lady give Simon a boner? No.
Oh, man, I think she did.
Seriously? Simon's got a boner! Simon's got a boner! Just kidding, man.
If I was going to survive this school, I knew I couldn't do it alone.
So looks like I don't have any grade-determining assignments tomorrow, if you guys are serious about skipping.
Who said you were invited? Oh, man, we have to be invited? Oh, my God.
And given enough time People will always find something they like about you.
Holy [bleep.]
.
Even if it's not you.
Dude, is that your mom? Yes.
I told her not to come and pick me up.
She is hot.
Yeah, I'd renob her in a second.
I'm not gonna ask what that means.
"Renob" is "boner" backwards.
I'd literally renob her so hard that my penis would be pushed back into my body.
Thanks.
She's so hot she could be a prostitute.
Nobody be afraid to say what you're thinking.
When was the last time that you saw her naked? I'm walking away now.
Um, Simon's gonna email you his address, so we'll meet there in the morning.
Maybe mom can drop you off.
So you made some friends already? I wasn't very selective.
Oh, well, just make sure they're nice to you, okay? I don't want to see you get bullied again.
Did you tell them I was bullied at St.
Mary's? I thought you were.
No, I got wedgied a few times, but that was just a fad.
Oh.
The next morning, I headed to Simon's house to skip school for the first time ever.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
So who was this new boy that's dropping you to school? Oh, there he is.
Good morning, all.
You're old enough to drive? Yes.
Yeah--yes, I am that old enough to drive.
I drive everywhere.
I drove here, even.
I parked right over there.
The panel van.
Yes.
It is a little molestery, but I got it at a great deal from a molester, but he never molested in it.
You know, just transported to molest.
Stop saying "molest.
" I can't.
Bye, mom.
That was flawless.
Guys.
Molester.
I should have pointed to the Volvo.
Dude, you think? Hey.
You guys need a lift? Sure.
Neil? Oh, maybe later, I guess.
You got cool muscles.
Neil! All right.
So so far, skipping school had consisted of lying to Simon's mom, dodging a rape, and hanging out with the only other people not in school or at work: Two-year-olds.
What? All right, this is totally lame.
Yo, we should get a game of red rover going with them or something.
No, Neil, we should get some booze.
How? Well, we could have used my fake I.
D.
, but I totally lost it in this drug rave last night.
It's so stupid.
Yeah, you'd think you'd be more careful in your made-up fantasies.
Actually they're not made up, dickhead.
'Cause if you tested my piss right now, it'd be, like, 80% coke.
You know, it's the middle of the school day.
Liquor stores are expecting adults.
I mean, somebody just has to look the part.
Good afternoon.
Hey.
Yes.
Hey.
Uh, I am a man who has recently bought a house in the area, and I'm gonna be throwing a housewarming party, which I'll be inviting a lot of my work friends to-- other adults, you know, hence the potato chips.
And I am probably gonna need some alcohol to go with the potato chips.
What type of thing are you looking for? Uh, can I have a bottle of, uh, Babnik? Vodka.
Yes.
Is it a good year? What? I'm sure it is.
Can I have two bottles of that, please? Right.
That'll be $49.
50.
Anything else? Hmm, what's on special? Me letting you buy this if you're outta here in five seconds.
I think this'll do it.
Doom-doom-doom-doom doom-da-doom doom-doom-doom 3, 6, 9 very, very fine hoping she can sock it to me one more time drink.
Low get low, get low get low oh, my God.
I can't feel my throat.
Maybe we're supposed to mix it with something.
Are you serious, man? This is awesome.
You still have half of yours left.
I know, man.
I'm making it last.
I wish Carly could see me now.
I should text her a picture, huh? Show her how much of a badass I am.
I don't think badasses text pictures of themselves, though.
Only of their [bleep.]
.
I do it all the time.
It's like a bat signal for snizz.
Chicks always text back a beaver shot.
Really? Let's see one, then.
You wouldn't be able to tell what it was, because they take it from the inside.
You know, guys, if this skipping thing helps us with chicks, I don't want to have sex with just anybody.
I want to lose it with someone I love.
I love Carly.
I do.
I love her.
I mean, she's beautiful.
She's smart.
She makes me laugh.
Why don't you tell her that? Girls like being told guys like them.
Just be direct and spray paint it on an overpass.
No, no, no, no.
That's not romantic enough.
You want to get the girl? Gotta aim straight for the heart.
Like milk.
Catch.
This is cool, right? Oh, yeah, man.
Super cool.
It's so cool.
I think writing her last name is especially important, even though it's her driveway.
What the hell is that? What? Simon? Why are you spray-painting my driveway? Um what is it-- you love me? I can easily wash this off, and we can pretend this never happened, and you could not tell anyone, and I could not tell anyone, and your friends could not tell anyone.
Oh, I'm telling everyone.
Simon, we've known each other since we were eight.
Why are you doing this now? I--it was a dare.
So what then? You're in love with me? Maybe we could just talk about this another time.
This couldn't have gone any better.
She doesn't love you, man.
You wasted all that paint.
Actually I think this is cool.
It's like some underground graffiti artist thing.
Wait, huh? Yeah, you know what? Why don't you come over later? I'm babysitting my brother.
We can talk about it then.
Really? Come after 8:00, 'cause my parents will be gone by then, and you should probably avoid them until this washes off.
Not sure it washes off.
See you tonight.
I-- I can't believe that worked.
I second that.
Dude, it's because you're so drunk.
You're like Kurt Cobain.
I think he was on heroin.
Do I have to do heroin? Probably won't hurt.
Well, it's really hard to find, and I don't want to dip into my personal stash, so okay, so what do I do about tonight? Easy.
Get way more drunk.
Dong, dong, dong.
Between all the vodka we drank and what Jay poured on the ground in honor of dead rappers, we were out of booze.
But luckily I found a few bottles my mom hadn't thrown at my dad.
Hey, when's the MILF getting home? Not until 6:00.
We're fine.
No, I wasn't afraid of getting caught.
I was asking because I want to go through her panty drawer.
I'm guessing all thongs.
Or crotch-less teddies.
Please stop.
You should be proud, Will.
None of our moms are attractive.
I can barely look at mine.
Neither can you dad.
What? My dad's not gay.
Then why did your mom leave him? Because they have issues.
He needed some space.
Space for another penis.
Okay, I'm not sure the gold flakes are supposed to be in there, so try and drink around them.
Great.
So what do I do tonight? I need a plan.
Easy.
You bring one of us along to watch the little brother, and then you and Carly go at it, and I'm thinking you take me.
Dude, she might want double penetration, and I'm the only one with experience in both holes.
Ill.
What? So after three hours of drinking what tasted like mouthwash and formaldehyde, Simon was ready.
Hi.
Hi.
Hello.
Oh, hey.
Will, right? Is he your chaperone? Uh, it's cool, baby.
He's just here to look after your brother while we chat, you know? About our feelings.
Hmm.
Let's not call me "baby," though.
Really? Come in.
I was just about to grab a drink.
Dylan's in the TV room, Will.
Dad totally lost it when he saw the driveway.
He's gonna make your parents pay for a stone cleaner.
It's worth it.
Do you smell windex? God, I really hate that smell, you know.
Shh.
Ew.
Is it you? What have you been drinking? Shoot.
My manners.
You want some? Oh, God.
What homeless guy did you steal that from? I think I'll stick with wine.
Wine's for girls.
I am a girl.
Well, I'm a man, and this is a man's drink, and if you can't take me like this, then I'm sorry, baby.
But this is the package.
Oh, I've seen this one.
It's about what would happen if a chemical bomb hit the city.
Streets would pile up with corpses, stacked up on the curb like recs.
My parents are in the city.
Would they be killed? Yep.
Stacked up on a curb.
My mom and dad are dead? What? Come on.
You know why I'm here, and I know why I'm here, and you know why I'm here.
Just kiss me.
Simon, you know I have a boyfriend.
But we're meant to be together.
Come on, let's just renob.
What? Sex me.
Jesus, Simon.
Simon? Are you all right? Oh,.
Oh I don't feel very Dylan! Ooh.
Look, I'm very sorry.
I--good, still warm.
Um, I was just explaining the effects of chemical warfare.
To an eight-year-old? He won't sleep for a week now, you idiot.
I am really sorry.
I think I ate something.
Maybe we could just sit down and we could talk about us and I think we'll be going now.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Though the night was a complete disaster, it actually brought the two of us closer-- friends forged out of failure.
We were the golden flakes floating in the pool of vomit, and there was comfort knowing it would never get any worse than this.
Is that your mom's car? I stand corrected.
I mean, did you think the school wouldn't call us, Simon? And why do you smell like vomit and cheap alcohol? Wasn't cheap.
It had gold in it.
And you, Will, you've never done anything irresponsible.
Now all of a sudden you're skipping school? Why? I It was all my idea.
I couldn't go back to school.
I'm getting bullied again, mom.
It's happening all over again.
So I think it's safe to say public school is going to work out fine.
I have three friends that seem to accept me, and a lifetime of superior private education to get me out of any jam this environment can present.
Who knows, I might even get laid.
Morning, students.
First off I want to report that we have had a formal suit filed by the mother of William Mackenzie regarding his treatment by the student body.
Let me just say this, any student caught bullying him or causing him any emotional or physical distress will be severely disciplined by the school and possibly outside law enforcement.
Will is a good boy with a great big heart.
Even though his body isn't maturing as fast as others might be He deserves your respect.
Then again, I'm a [bleep.]
idiot.