The Inbetweeners (US) (2012) s01e04 Episode Script

1 I wouldn't say things were on a good track lately.
Can you please stop staring at my [bleep.]
? What? I would say they were on a bad one.
My friends and I were trying our best to be cool.
Ready for that dance? And we were failing.
I'm wearing a bum's shoes.
Ahhh, ahh-ahh Some people are satisfied with average.
Some people don't push themselves to greatness one sweaty step at a time.
Those people are stupid.
But I aim higher.
Look at yourself don't look in the mirror just face the light I'd push.
If you feel like it's something I did wrong won't you speak your mind I'd join activities.
What is the next step Though so far, the only club I was a member of was the Jay, Simon, and Neil club.
Did you guys see that? Ahh.
Ohh.
And membership wasn't that exclusive.
[Laughs.]
Oh, ehh.
That's Carly.
Don't embarrass me.
Don't embarrass yourself with your stalker eyes.
Hey, Carly.
Oh, hey, Simon.
I have to get to class.
I've been late, like, ten times.
Uhwe should catch up.
Yeah, soon.
Cool.
Face it, Simon.
She wants nothing to do with you.
I've given it to enough girls.
Don't listen to him, Simon.
No, he's right.
She's been avoiding me since I hosed her down at Sunshine Mountain.
I squirted her right back into Bobby's arms.
I don't think she was ever out of Bobby's arms.
Carly and I have a past together.
What does Bobby have? The present and the future.
Awesome body.
Fine.
I give up.
Can I give her a go? No.
Oh, okay.
I probably just thought about it 'cause she walked by, and we were talking about her.
So I'm thinking about signing up for an activity.
An activity? Yeah, you know, like, a club.
What do you need an activity for? None of us have taken one.
Yeah, if you think about it, we are a club.
No.
Never say that.
You know how they treat the hacky sack club.
Mine.
Whoa.
Aww.
Maybe Carly will like it if I have an interest other than her.
Yeah, maybe.
What are we, a bunch of super achievers? Who cares about activities? What's next, running for congress? Of course not.
[Mumbling.]
I'm gonna run for congress.
What? Congress is part of the plan.
[Laughter.]
I'm Will, a congressmen.
Bop-ba-dop, ba-dop, bop But every plan starts with knowing your options.
I need to see a list of clubs and organizations.
I can give you a verbal rundown, or you can wait for the assembly and see the presentations.
I really need to see it on paper, so I can choose wisely.
Okay.
Uh really getting murdered on budget cuts here.
You know, we lost the librarian last month-- so the list would have been her responsibility? No.
All the world loves lovers I need you to sign something.
All the world loves people in love The morning rush begins, huh? I can come back.
It's okay.
I just-- nope.
I was just leaving.
I can get the list of clubs from you tomorrow.
Luxurious.
Clubs? Let me know if you find anything cool.
Oh, no, not clubs like you know.
No, right.
Clubs like chess.
Your move.
I'm not much a player, but Well, you picked the wrong person to play imaginary chess with.
Is that so? It is.
You and I won't lose our heads they way some lovers do saying this will last forever Can you stop that? Uh, okay.
I need you to fill out this part here and this part.
I'm Charlotte Allen.
Will Mackenzie.
Hi, Will.
Now that Charlotte was in the picture, picking the right club was more important than ever, and I couldn't do that without knowing more about her.
Who are you stalking? No one.
Ooh, who's Charlotte Allen? This girl I met at school.
I need to find her interests, but her profile is private.
You could always send her a friend request.
Mom, I barely know her.
Then what have you got to lose? She was right.
I didn't have anything to lose, so a request was sent.
I spent some time on a certain social network last night looking up Charlotte Allen.
Charlotte Allen? Her profile is private.
Everyone knows that.
I sent her a friend request.
Oh, man.
You idiot.
A guy like you has no chance with Charlotte Allen.
A guy like me? You know, your face and your words, your dumb tie, pretty much the whole thing.
Plus, she would never be caught dead with a younger guy.
Aren't you afraid of Donovan? No.
Who's Donovan? Charlotte's crazy ex-boyfriend.
He's paranoid.
He thinks everyone is online yanking it to her photos.
I just want to find her interests, so I can turn that into a club.
Besides, I don't yank it.
What? No, not since we moved into a smaller house.
The walls are thin.
You can't just hold it in.
He doesn't, not if he's anything like me.
At night, we enter a wonderful world of wet dreams.
I don't know about wonderful, but I get the job done.
You've all had them? Of course.
You haven't? Sure.
I mean, wet dreams are kid stuff, right? I'm not a kid anymore.
I don't need wet dreams, not when I'm out there having wet realities.
Meaning masturbation.
[Laughs.]
You're missing out, Jay.
Your hand isn't giving your brain a chance to get you off.
It's Freud.
That is Freud.
Yeah, I know.
I said it was Freud.
[Cell phone chimes.]
Pff, whatever.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Yes.
"Charlotte Allen has accepted your friend request.
" Oh, let me see her pictures.
Give me that.
You lost the window.
Search her name.
Okay, Charlotte Allen.
Make it bigger.
Make it horizontal.
I know what I'm doing.
Turn it this way.
You guys.
Make it horizontal.
You guys, I know how to do it.
Uh, there.
Yeah, she's single.
What are her interests? Cooking.
It wasn't an activity I would have chosen, and it probably wouldn't get me into college, but Charlotte's interests were now my interests.
Oh, hey.
It isn't all the same font, but the letters are correct.
Oh, thanks, but I won't be needing that anymore, unless there's one for cooking.
Well, there isn't.
I don't need a list to tell you that.
Then I'd like to start one.
Sure you don't want to glance at the list again, huh, make sure something fun doesn't jump out at you? No, I think I'm dead set on the cooking.
Well, can you be ready for assembly tomorrow? All the clubs are making their presentations.
I'd hate for you to be up in front of the whole school with your pants down.
I'll be ready.
It's a crappy idea.
Nobody cares about cooking.
Cooking is for girls and cooks.
And you wouldn't be able to do any actual cooking anyway for insurance reasons.
We'll discuss recipes.
Could you please throw his away for me? So I had my club.
Now I just needed to tell Charlotte.
I wouldn't lead with "cooking club.
" Yeah, it sends the wrong signal.
That it's gay, like your dad? My dad is not gay.
Great cook, though.
Oh, the best.
Well, I think cooking club is a great idea.
You guys are just being ridiculous.
No, Will, you're being ridiculous.
You lucked into a friendship with Charlotte, and now you're gonna ruin it.
Hey, Will.
Did you hear about cooking club? Yeah.
That's awesome.
When's the first meeting? Tomorrow.
Will you be there, Simon? Yep.
I love a man who knows how to cook.
So do I.
I mean--I don't.
Ha, you love men.
Oh, Jay, you're such an idiot.
I'll see you there.
Yeah [mumbles indistinctly.]
Hi.
That's the most she's talked to me in months.
Me too.
She's never talked to me.
Well, I told you she'd like it if you had another interest.
Maybe you guys are on to something.
We definitely are.
I'm gonna do it.
You're gonna join cooking club? What? No.
I'm cutting off all sexual activity until I have a wet dream.
You're on.
It's not a bet.
It's a promise.
No more three-ways, no more Booty calls, no more BJs.
Am I leaving anything out? Masturbation, the only thing you actually do.
Not anymore.
They're all out: Rusty trombones, throat boats, double renobs, sex with Will's mom.
All the world There's Charlotte.
All the world loves people Hey.
Hey.
Guess what.
I started a club.
Oh, nice.
I'm in.
What is it? Cooking.
Well, talking about cooking.
We can't actually cook, but it's one of your big interests, and it's mine as well.
Are you talking about my profile? Yes.
Oh, that info is so old.
I haven't updated since my mom friended me.
Does that mean you're not single? No, I'm single.
Oh, well, I am too.
Is that so? It is.
You could check my profile.
It's 100% guaranteed.
Maybe I'll just do that.
Why don't you, madame? [Laughs.]
Whoa, buddy.
You need to calm down.
Charlotte.
I could blame a social network that put its search box too close to its status bar.
I could blame my friends for distracting me.
But clearly this was my fault.
My status was "Charlotte Allen" over and over and over again.
I had committed social suicide.
And now Donovan was gonna bury me.
Donovan? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Move.
Once the devastation fully set in, I realized my life was over.
I can't go back there.
I know it seems bad.
Seems bad? It's a disaster.
I'll homeschool myself.
You won't have to do anything.
I'll win spelling bees.
Oh, honey, don't be silly.
Those kids have been practicing all their lives.
But like any kid that would win a spelling bee, I knew that the answer always lies in the origin.
A problem that starts with your status update could be solved with your status update.
I would list dozens of girls' names, give Donovan a poke, prove to Charlotte that I'm no stalker.
I'm just a little crazy.
Hey, guys.
How's it going? Like garbage.
I can't get this damn dream done.
I was up all night waiting.
I was so excited that I couldn't sleep, so of course it didn't happen.
Like Christmas Eve, but the Santa's in your pants.
I'm surprised you decided to show your face.
Yeah, you sure you don't want to give it a couple weeks? Why? Nothing's gonna change.
I'm still the same fun-loving guy who posts crazy stuff on the Internet.
What did you do, Will? Relax.
I showed Charlotte that she's not so special by mentioning a lot of girls, a lot of girls.
So now Charlotte's just gonna think it's this thing I do.
And then I had some fun with Donovan.
You what? You don't have fun with Donovan.
Donovan hasn't had fun since kindergarten.
Well, I'd wager that claiming to be his dad's parole officer is gonna break that streak, huh? Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah.
I need to get out of here.
What about the club? Our first meeting is today.
We're supposed to announce it at assembly.
Well, that's not happening.
It has to.
Carly texted me, and she's never done that.
She's hot for it.
Ahh! I can't do this anymore, sitting around waiting for an orgasm.
Boys.
Mr.
Gilbert, thanks for the trouble, but we won't be needing the cooking club after all.
You said you'd be right.
I made a list of presenters, same font, alphabetized by club, all right? So the announcement goes on as scheduled.
Okay, good.
We'll be there.
Great.
Ever try masturbating? I want my brain to do it.
And so it was time for the club presentations Let's take a walk down a fated road A spectacular display of the school's artistry and talent [Twangy guitar music.]
A chance for people with similar interests to come together Or be driven apart.
Checkmate.
[Upbeat rock music.]
[chuckling.]
[Frenetic drumming.]
Our moment was fast approaching.
And we were completely unprepared.
Well, I've got nothing.
My pants are down.
Don't worry, bro.
I got this.
Bro? What's gotten into you? I'm a new Simon.
This Simon gets flirty text messages from Carly.
This Simon always knows the right thing to say.
Once I grab that microphone, something amazing will flow right through me.
Sure it will, Simon.
Yeah, Will.
Or it wouldn't.
Either way, I was off the hook.
Food.
All these clubs, where would they be without food, huh? I can do without debate.
Can debate do without breakfast? We can.
It's not your turn.
May I respond to that? Shut up.
I want to hear this.
Um, let's see.
What else? [Microphone feedback.]
Grove high has a cooking club coo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooking club And in this club, they have some fun.
Coo-ooo-ooking club coo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooking club Simon.
Coo-ooo-ooking club All right.
Coo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooking club coo-ooo-ooking club yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum coo-ooo-ooking club coo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooking club yum yum yum yum yum say yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum Simon was right.
He could do no wrong.
And a yum yum yum cooking club cooking club [together.]
cooking club cooking club And as I watched everything come together for him, I thought maybe it could for me as well.
My computer was hacked.
The name of a girl that I barely know was posted as my status.
And I don't know why or who.
Maybe it's just random, but maybe they saw the connection between us and wanted to keep us apart.
Okay, every single one of you is under suspicion.
Good-bye.
You guys are really great.
And now the conclusion of The Inbetweeners.
[Screams.]
Clearly I had blown it with Charlotte, but Simone still had a chance with Carly, and Mr.
Gilbert had made us a sign.
Should we start? Ugh, who made you king of the castle? I gave him the spatula and the recipe book.
Besides, this club is not gonna get me into college or get me the girl, so screw it.
What are we doing about lunch? Will lunch be provided? No.
Why are you here? Don't get me wrong.
I don't care about this club at all.
But once the threats started flooding in against an assembly sanctioned club at my school, well, that I take very personally.
Donovan? Oh, no, not just Donovan.
It's the girls.
They're mobilizing.
Hey.
Carly, I'm glad you could make it.
I was thinking we could kick around the idea of the perfect romantic dinner.
Then maybe this weekend, you and I can-- So who's ready to cook? Bobby? Bobby.
Finally.
Whassup? What do you go there, buddy, strawberries? Oh, I thought we could do a creme brulee with a little caramelized crust.
Bobby's really into the culinary arts.
He's going to open a restaurant some day.
So when you said that you loved a man who knows how to cook We can't cook here.
Mr.
Gilbert said-- Shut up.
It's fine if you take the party a couple feet off campus.
I don't care.
It's not a party.
It is now, dummy.
Yeah.
Give me that.
There are threats.
I should keep moving.
[Upbeat rock music.]
I saw you defriended me.
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe somebody hacked into my account.
Really? That wasn't you? No, it was me.
Take it easy, Will, and watch out behind you.
And after all of the buildup, I had to admit this was the best-case scenario.
Charlotte.
Charlotte.
I still love you.
Will.
You've got to cancel the club.
You told me not to.
Look! Please.
And that's how my club ended.
But at least I had my friends on this downward spiral.
No, no, no, no, no! No! At it, boys.
You had that wet dream? - Soaking.
- What was that about? - Sex.
- What kind of sex? - The best kind.
- Who with? - What? - Who was it with? I'll tell you who it was with.
Me.
I had one of the mystical wonderful wet dreams of me.
Masturbated.
So that's the kind of sex your midn knows.
Your way isn't great either, Will.
Dream all you want, your mom still does your laundry.
What's the alternative then? If I can't dream and I can't masturbate? Screwing.
And we'd spend the next 3 years trying to do just that.