The Inbetweeners (US) (2012) s01e07 Episode Script

1 So far this year, Simon's pursuit of carly hadn't been going that well.
Simon.
But at least it could only get better.
Or stay the same.
Are you wearing a homeless person's shoes? Uh Or get worse.
Oh, no.
But if Simon thought he had it bad, at least he wasn't sitting in the student lounge with a bucket on his head.
Bucket.
Good one, Donovan.
Don't talk to me.
Cool.
Can someone please help me? Hey, maybe he needs air holes.
Ow.
Ow.
Could someone other than Neil help me? Oh, sorry, Will.
Donovan won't allow it.
Understood.
So what are we up to this weekend? I don't know about you guys, but I'm gonna go to an RV resort where I'm playing some womb raider with my dong.
Right, anyone doing something not made up this weekend? It's not made up, bucket.
Bucket on your head.
I would have just gone with bucket head.
Ah, sorry.
I'm a little distracted by how many lady caves I'm gonna be spelunking With my dong! I love that you can add that to anything.
"With my dong.
" Nice try.
Keep practicing.
Or just add it to a ridiculous lie.
Pfff, I'm not lying.
RV resorts are certified fur-trapping zones.
Come if you don't believe me.
All right, I'm in.
Sure, let's go.
What? With my dong.
Good, then.
Come.
Come and we'll see who's lying.
You are.
You're lying.
Hey, guys.
Will.
Hi, Carly.
So what's going on? Big plans this weekend? Yeah, Jay's taking us to an RV park.
RV resort.
Oh, right.
It's not a place poor people live.
It's a place poor people visit.
But if you want to do something, I can get out of it.
An RV resort sounds awful.
Oh, I think it sounds fun.
It will be.
You should come.
Oh, sorry, I can't.
Bobby's taking me free climbing.
It's his big passion, so he wants to teach me.
Wow.
That's, like, no ropes, right? Mm-hmm.
I bet the best way to learn is just to hang out on the ground and watch him fall.
Have a nice weekend.
They're doing extreme sports together? I can't compete with that.
Don't compete, okay? Forget about Carly and get some other girl on your dipstick.
I don't know if I can.
But going to an RV park is better than sitting in my room writing songs about her all weekend.
So you guys are really gonna come? Yeah.
Yeah, with my dong.
That is so good.
Do you get it? That was the best one so far.
But do you get it? Stop it! You're a joke stealer, Neil.
Hello? Is anyone there? Hello? The next day, we headed to Sandy Springs RV Resort, Jay's promised land of low income, hedonistic delight.
I think we should stop and get some gas.
Hell, no, man.
We're almost there.
I can smell the minch.
We're on empty.
Is the light on? No.
Then we're fine.
Now it's on.
Okay, that means we have 20 miles left in the tank.
It's actually not as simple as that.
How big is your tank? I don't know.
As small as one can be? Well, let's say you have one gallon left.
If you get about 18 miles per gallon and you're going under 60 miles an hour-- Ah, shut up with the math, Aristotle.
Not sure what Aristotle has to do with math.
Simon, have I ever lied to you? Trust me, man.
We're gonna make it.
Told you we'd make it.
We didn't make it.
We'll be inside, Simon.
Stupid car.
Really? Ooh, boobies.
Oh, man.
What? Those are totally real.
I think so.
I'd have to titty-titty bang-bang them to know for sure.
They're fake.
You can see the incision scars right there.
Maybe she just had a c-section.
No, they're fake.
Aren't we smart, Dr.
Copernicus? Copernicus was not a doctor.
Dentist, whatever.
Come on.
Come I hate you.
Get out.
There's something really beautiful about print porn.
It's a lost art.
Where we're going, we don't need porn.
I just got a text from a girl named Becky at the resort.
Mm-hmm.
She said, "Hi, Simon.
I'm Becky.
Jay gave me your number.
Can't wait to meet you this weekend.
" Smiley face.
Boom! See what I mean? Who needs Carly? Becky is an RV'er, and she loves sex.
You don't want her for yourself? No, Becky's bringing her cousin rose this weekend, who apparently is even hornier than she is, so I'm definitely gonna be tapping that.
Maybe Slytherin to her Gryffindor.
Maybe send my Harry Potter after her snitch.
Maybe Hufflepuff Moaning MyrtleHer What do I text back? As many question marks as you can type.
How about, "Pleasure to meet you, Rebecca.
I look forward to seeing you this weekend.
" No, try this.
"I can't wait to 'eight equals equals P hyphen hyphen' all over your smiley face.
" I just wrote, "Can't wait.
" Winky face.
X mouth face.
What the hell's an X mouth face? - It means mouth marks the spot - For your dong.
Stop it! Don't steal my setups.
I don't know if I could lose it to someone other than Carly.
"Ooh, I don't know.
" Then you're never gonna lose it, Simon.
Because with Carly, you want it too bad, and girls can sense that.
You need to push her out of your mind and bang some hoes, okay? Get some lady pelts on your wall.
Sounds like he's gonna kill them.
He is.
With his-- Don't! Damn it! God damn it.
That one was perfectly teed up.
Are you even sure this girl will do it? I am positive she'll do it, as long as you have this.
This, my friends, is the legacy condom, passed down from my brother which was passed down by his friends before him.
This will definitely get you laid, Simon.
So can use this? No, no, no, no.
It's more of a good luck charm.
Why is an unused condom good luck? Because it got 50 guys laid, Will.
That's why.
That's a lot of guys.
I'm gonna Hufflepuff Pump number six and this gum, please.
You know, this one comes with a free DVD.
Yeah.
Go get that.
Could I-- can I just get 20 on number Really? It's for my friend.
And finally we arrived at the promised land.
Oh, yeah, Jay, sex here looks very promising.
If they die while we're doing it, is it murder? It's manslaughter.
Then I guess I'd be in prison.
Ooh, looks like your chariot awaits.
Becky! Don't forget about your slutty little cousin.
Jesus Christ.
Jay, she's not that bad.
Not that bad? I've seen bean bags in better shape.
That's rude.
I can feel her walking.
She's a human being.
Looks like she ate a human being.
Hey, Simon.
You're cuter than the picture Jay sent me.
You're, uh, cuter than the smiley face you texted.
Hey, you're a lot cuter than your picture too.
No one sent me any pictures.
We got to run.
But I'll see you at the dance tonight? Absolutely.
Save a dance for me, muffin.
Yeah, yeah, cool, great, ten muffins.
It was a pleasure to meet you too.
I'm Will.
That's Neil.
Thanks for your time.
Unbelievable.
Isn't that our old librarian? Aw, man, she's living the good life.
Getting fired was the best thing that ever happened to her.
The RV resort was seeming less like a resort and more like a place fun came to die.
And dinner with Jay's family didn't exactly revive it.
This is a lovely meal, Mrs.
Cartwright.
Thank you.
Did you sautee these vegetables with olive oil and garlic? I can really taste the garlic.
Oh, it's from a box.
I just microwaved it on high for three minutes.
Mm.
Oh.
Whoo! Oh, guess I should let this one air out a bit.
My nose burns.
I can taste it.
You boys excited for the dance tonight? Yeah.
I'm sure Jay's gonna make some moves, on his left hand.
Dad.
I'd like to let you know that I actually have a girl who's pretty interested in me.
Yeah? Is she fat? Her face is a little.
Yeah, I knew it.
Hope you boys have better luck spelunking lady caves than Jay.
The apple does not fall far from the tree.
Shut up, Newton.
That one actually makes sense.
And later we arrived at the dance, where not only had the fun died, but someone was now beating its corpse with crappy music.
Don't worry, guys.
This party's gonna amp up real soon.
.
It would seem that our weekend had hit bottom, which meant that things could only get better.
Here they come.
Do you have the legacy condom? Rub it.
Rub it right now.
It's not a genie lamp.
It is if your wish is to get laid.
I don't know if I can do this.
It was gonna be so special with Carly.
Yeah, because you'd be 70.
Look, if you want to save your first time for your lady love, just go back door.
It doesn't count.
Back door doesn't count? No, it's not considered a premium hole.
Becky doesn't care either.
She'll take it from any direction.
I know from experience.
Do you? Here they come.
Rub it.
Rub it! Oh, let me get some of that.
Dude.
Dude.
Let me get in there.
Hey, Simon.
So I think it's time for that dance.
No way.
This is my jam.
Right.
So lovely to see you again.
Becky, was it? Be at the food table if anyone needs me.
'Cause she's watching him with those eyes and she's loving him with that body I just know it yeah, he's holding her in his arms late, late at night you know I wish that I had So you like hummus? Actually it's pronounced hummus.
You're so worldly.
I love that.
You have a little hummus on your vest.
I'm sorry.
Allow me.
I'm Will.
I'm horny.
You know I feel so dirty whoa.
Actually, you know how we can make this more romantic? If we got to know each other, just slowed things down-- you know, run around, fall tirelessly into each other's arms at the very end of the night.
That sort of thing.
You know what? I know what we can do.
We can slide.
Used to love sliding as a child.
Doesn't this look like fun? Whoo! We can just slide across the floor.
Where are you going? Hey.
Hey, real mature.
Real mature.
Saw you talking to fatty-fatty boom-boom.
Yeah, so? I'm Simon's wing man.
I take that job very seriously.
You don't have to lie to me, son.
With your looks, I'd have taken the fatties a long time ago.
How's your night going? Better than Jay's, I hope.
I made out with a girl who licked hummus off my vest.
Atta boy! And kinky.
Oh, see you that, Jay? Even Will's getting some.
How do you smell that bad after a shower? Ugh.
Kissed so good, it knocked your socks off, huh? Yeah, I know it's not a perfect joke.
You still got your socks on, but You're actually getting a little bit-- You're, uh right? Atta boy.
You got stage fright there? Maybe we should go somewhere more Just somewhere else.
I got to go to the bathroom, but meet me outside in five minutes? Is this seat taken? It is now.
It's a nice night.
Yeah.
Full moon.
Twilight.
You want to take this to the next level? What? Yeah.
Yes.
Absolutely.
Mmm.
You like that? This feel good? I think we make a good couple.
I like this.
What are you doing? Next level? That is my stomach.
Second base.
Oh.
Let me just get this.
What is that? A condom.
Why are you wearing a condom? For protection.
And luck? What? Jay said-- What did Jay say? You like sex.
I am not having sex with you.
Back door? Oh I'm learning your tricks.
Will, what are you doing? We got to go.
Stop playing around.
Oh, yeah.
You nailed it, Jay.
That's exactly what I'm doing.
Playing around with your father's urine coating my socks.
Yeah.
What? Got you now.
Who's immature now? Eat it! Eat my foot.
Relax.
Relax.
Hey, it's Simon.
Hey, what's up, guys? You're such a liar! What? She likes sex? Why would you say that? Uh, we had that one night together? What night? We had never had a night.
We were so drunk.
Stop lying.
The legacy condom? What have you done? Becky, you out here? He tried to back door me.
And we're off.
I want that condom back in any condition, Simon.
Any condition! And now the conclusion of The Inbetweeners.
The next morning, we were hoping to leave without anymore humiliation.
Hey, boys.
So much for that.
Thanks for the hospitality, Mr.
Cartwright.
I'm sorry about everything that happened.
No, no, no, no worries.
No worries.
I just worked everything out with Becky's dad.
We get it, guys.
Okay, we were boys once before.
Of course we didn't try to stick it in somebody's chimney till college, but you kids these days work fast.
Like lightning.
Unless you're Jay.
What's the opposite of lightning? The opposite of lightning would be, I got some last night, so booyah.
Yeah, yeah, you got some.
The girls dad told me you fingered her fat roll, you moron.
She liked it.
Did she? That's weird.
Check this out.
Look at that.
There you go.
I dare you not to get a boner.
What do you think of that, Jay? Look at that.
Should we go steady? We should have a baby.
Neil, hey.
Where have you been? I slept in the car last night.
Did I miss anything? I can't believe you used this thing.
I can't believe you're touching that.
It didn't work.
It's bad luck.
Of course it didn't work.
You unwrapped it.
Those wraps should be pregnant by now.
Yeah, exactly.
I think having a lucky condom you can't use is a bad idea.
Oh, yeah? Tell that to the 50 girls that got banged because of it.
Yeah, I would like to.
You know, even though you didn't have sex, you did forget about Carly.
You're right.
She didn't cross my mind once.
You're welcome.
Until now.
I can't stop thinking about her.
Great job, Neil.
What did I do? Just leave Simon's love life to me.
Uh, you thought a stomach was a vagina.
Whatever.
It was wet.
You know, speaking of wet, my seat is damp.
Yeah, mine too.
Neil, did you piss in my car? No.
Then why is it wet? I just hooked up with some girl in here.
I think her name was Amber.
She tasted like chummus.
That was my girl.
You had sex in my car? No.
It's too small.
She just yanked me a few times.
Oh! Pull over! Pull over! Oh, I'm gonna be sick.
Gross, gross! Pull over! Pull over! Pull over! Pull over! Oh, God.
Out of the car.
Ah, God.
All over my pants! Clean out my car now! It's your car.
It's your stuff! That's gross.
I don't even want to ride in it now.
You think I do? I told you.
I told you you were lying about RV resorts.
What are you talking about? Neil got some action, didn't he, that's soaked in my pants! That's not the point.
You're still a liar.
Clean it up! I'm not going to because it's your car.
I don't care.
And in the end, everything was pretty much back to normal.
We were still virgins, Neil was still doing inappropriate things in Simon's car, and Jay was still Jay.
I don't get a hand job! What are you doing? What are you two doing? Simon, move! I'm gonna [bleep.]
kill you! Next on The Inbetweeners Schools from all over the state descend on this battlefield.
And I will descend on their ladies.
The girl, who is she? New girl, I guess.
Lauren? Lauren's great, isn't she? And I think she really likes me.
Well, I saw her first.
I think there's a party down the hall.
You want to go? Yeah, sure.