The IT Crowd s01e01 Episode Script

Yesterday's jam

Hope this doesn't embarrass you Jen, but I found the best thing to do with the new employee is to size them up with a long hard stare.
- So! - So.
- First day! - Yes! - Scary? - Yes - Don't be scared! - Oh, I'm not really scared.
You should be! - Well I'm a little bit scared.
- What? Don't be! Make up your mind! So here you are! Yes.
I'm really looking forward to - getting to grips with the - I'm gonna put you in I.
Because you said on your CV you had a lot of experience with computers.
I did say that on my CV, yes.
I have lots of experience with the whole computer thing you know, e-mails sending e-mails, receiving e-mails, deleting e-mails - I could go on.
- Do! The Web Using mouse mices using mice.
Clicking double clicking the computer screen of course, the keyboard the bit that goes on the floor down there - The hard drive? - Correct.
Well, you certainly seem to know your stuff.
That settles.
Got a good feeling about you Jen! And they need a new manager.
Oh, fantastic! So, the people I'll be working with, what're they like? Standard nerds! Hello I.
? Have you tried turning it off and on again? OK, well, the button on the side, is it glowing? Yeah, you need to turn it on! The button, turns it on?! Yeah You Yeah You do know how a button works, don't you? No, not on clothes! Hello, I.
? Yeah? Have you tried forcing an unexpected reboot? No, no! There you go! No, there you go, I just heard it come on.
No, no, that's the music you hear when it comes on.
No, that's the music you hear when I'm sorry, are you from the past?! See the driver hooks a function by patching the system call table.
So it's not safe to unload it, unless another thread's about to jump in there and do its stuff.
And you don't want to end up in middle of invalid memory.
Hello? Oh, really? Why don't you come down here and make me then? What? You think I'm afraid of you? I'm not afraid of you! You can come down here any time and I'll be waiting for ya! That told her! Oh, God, it's about time you got back, it's been all go.
You had a job? Girl on fifth Did you and her hit it off? Define "hit it off"? Did she continue talking to you once you'd fixed her computer? No And while I was working on it, she rested a cup on my back.
- No?! - Yep! Unbelievable! Yeah, I mean they've not respect for us up there, no respect whatsoever! - We're all just drudgens to them.
- Yes! If there were such a thing as a drudgen, that is what we'd be to them.
It's like they're pally-wally when there's a problem with their printer, but once it's fixed They toss us away like yesterday's jam! Yes! Yesterday's jam! That is what we are to them! Actually you know what? That doesn't really work as a thing because you know, jam lasts for ages Hello, I.
? Have you tried turning it off and on again? Unisex toilets? You have unisex toilets, like Ally McBeal? That's the sort of place this is, Jen.
A lot of sexy people not doing much work and having affairs.
Oh, my God! Look at that view! I feel like I'm on top of the world.
Well Jen, this is where I leave you.
Floor 34.
Great sir, thank you.
Where am I going? All the way down to the basement.
Good luck! Get out of the lift - Oh.
Won't be a tick! - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, God! OK.
Hello? Hello? Yes, I believe it was Tolstoy who said Oh, it seems we have a visitor.
I'm sorry, myself and Morris were just engaged in quite a serious discussion about books and such.
We didn't hear you come in.
Wait a second, you said it was Tolstoy, he said what? Oh, never mind that now, Morris! When have you read Tolstoy? Shut up, Morris! Why are you speaking that weird voice? When did I don't remember this conversation at all! Don't let me disturb you, I just wanted to come-- Don't be silly you never dist-- Many people come down here to visit! What are you talking about? Who comes down? What people? Why are you giving me the secret signal to shut up?! So What can we do you for? I'm the new head of this department.
Is this my office? Why? What did she-- Did she just say what I-- - I am the head of this department! - I thought I was.
It's one of us! Certainly not her! - I'm gonna sort this out - Roy, you've got a head wound there-- Head wound! Hi! I don't wanna be rude or anything but I wasn't informed of any changes to this department.
Oh, did they not tell you about me? No! And we are perfectly fine down here, thank you very much, we're more than capable of taking care of ourselves.
Sure sure You know you're covered in blood? Moss! - Amazon thingy.
- Ah! Wicked! I know what this is.
It's the new Harry Potter.
I got the child edition and the adult edition just to check that there are no differences in the text.
Sorry but I'm not gonna be able to deal with that woman! Is nobody else going to get the phone? I suppose I'll get it! No, that is not a phone.
I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Come in! Yeah, Denholm.
Yeah, yeah.
No, no, no No, they've been fine so far.
I think we're gonna get on great.
Yeah, I know.
All right then, now you take care.
All right, yeah I will, yeah.
Ok! Ok, take care, take care! Ok, bye! Bye! Oh, so, hello! What can I do you fo-- What can I do for you? Hello.
I was just wondering Do you want me to connect up your phone? No, no, no No.
It's working.
I was just talking to Denholm.
But how?! Oh, do you mind Do you mind closing the door for me? - Oh, yeah, sure.
- Yeah, Ok.
From the other side Of course.
- Like this? - That's it! - With me on the - Thanks! Are you all right? Oh, yes, Moss, I'm fine! The nurse said I didn't do myself any serious damage.
I'm standing over here! I know, I know, I'm joking, I'm fine! What are we gonna do about her? Well, I just went in, and she was having a pretend conversation.
- Really? - Yes.
She's a little bit weird, to say the least.
What's that? Oh, just water.
Sometimes, I get a hot ear, and this helps cool it down.
She is quite the oddbod Did you notice how she didn't even get excited when she saw this original ZX-IT 1? Yeah, that was weird.
It's almost as if she doesn't know anything about computers.
What?! Look what you did! Oh, don't worry that's why I always make two cups of tea.
Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh, her not knowing anything about computers.
What?! Ok, so we definitely want to get rid of her.
I agree, yeah.
Ok, so, here's the plan: A plan? Let me put on my slightly larger glasses.
Ok, hit me! - Ok.
We go in - When? You know, like in a minute.
Will that be enough time for me to get to know the plan? Yeah, you know what? I shouldn't have used the word "plan"! I've clearly gotten you over-excited! Would "steamed" be a better word? Although that's just as exciting, I might even use these.
All I was gonna say was We go in, I make up a load of bullocks about computers and we'll see if she picks up on it.
I can see why you didn't want to use the word "plan".
- Let me do the talk.
- All right.
Ouh, Moss, Moss Moss! Ok, we need to get this right, you know? We we need to stay calm.
We do not wanna go in there half-cocked.
Hang on, guys.
How can I help? Well, we were just wondering now that you're "The Boss", would you like us to access the data supplier and connect you up to the matrix? You just made all that up? You don't know anything about computers, admit it! Will you stop trying to undermine me! Now get in there, and do some work, to do with computers! I'll be in there in a minute to check up on you! Ok, lady! You've won this round, but we can wait! You will slip up one day, and believe you me, we will be there when you do! There will be some piece of evidence that will prove without any shadow of a doubt that you don't know anything about computers.
What are you doing? Plugging in your computer.
It might be something you say or something you do! But when we notice this, and believe me we will notice this, there's gonna be a long way down for you, sweet chicks! He'll realise in a second I cannot believe you're going to tell on me.
You're like a pair of horrible old women.
What did she say? She said we're like horrible old women.
She didn't! Hey guys! Ok, got something to tell me? Yes, well, it's like this: Look at you! My I.
Team players each and every one of you.
Yeah, what she There's no room for people who can't act in a team on my team! Excuse me.
Hello? What?! Well if you can't work as a team, you're all fired! That's it, you heard me, fine! Get your things and go! Hello, Security? Everyone on floor 4 is fired.
Escort them from the premises.
And do it as a team! Remember you're a team, and if you can't act as a team, you're fired too! Dawn! Get onto recruitment.
Tell them to look for a security team that can work as a team.
They may have to escort our security team from the building, for not acting like a team! Team! Team team team team team! I even love saying the word "team".
You probably think that's a picture of my family? It's the A-Team.
Body, Doyle, Tiger, the Jewellery Man! All of them! So what do you wanna tell me? Well, it's just not working out.
- He's joking! - But you said Not working out? Oh, no! No! We are getting on like a big house on fire! - Yeah! - My ear's getting hot! No You know what? We should leave, now, because you know, you're a busy man and we've taken far too much of your time.
Jen could you just get the door for me there? Absolutely Roy! So why did you come here in the first place? We set up a voice activation system on your computer.
I think you're gonna enjoy it.
It might just take a little while to get the pitch right on the voice but nonetheless, go ahead! Thank you very much! - Bye bye! - Thank you! How exciting! Hello Hello computer! Hello! Hello Hello computer What good are you? You obviously don't know anything about computers.
No, but OK.
But I can learn.
You know, I mean, for example, Moss, you could take me through what you're doing right now.
I'd be delighted! I'm just working on a very simple piece of programming code.
I see Oh, God, no, I'm lying again! I didn't understand any of that! I don't know anything about computers, I mean I'm absolutely useless to you.
I might as well pack up and go home.
Hi! Is Roy around? Hello there little lady! Are you lost? How can I help you? I'm Roy.
You wanted me to come down?! Well here I am!! Not the face!! Not the face!! Well maybe this will teach you to treat people with a little bit of respect! Is it 'cos we spoke on the phone earlier? Oh, my God! Are those Manolo's? Yes! They are gorgeous! Were they expensive? No, no, no, no! Got them in a sale.
Oh, God! Clever you! I'm never lucky enough to get a bargain myself.
Well, I should take you shopping.
Yeah, no, that would be fantastic.
Oh, I will give you a call.
Nice to meet you! Take care! - Nice meeting you! - Chairman! Wow! You just diffuse that entire situation! What situation? Oh, oh, that yeah! Oh, my God, does that happen a lot? They're fairly regular, the beatings, yes.
I'd say we're on a by-weekly beatings.
Ah it's not all that bad! Ah, come on Roy! It's pretty bad Maybe I could help with this.
You know, I mean I'm a people person and people like you need a person to deal with people a people person like me.
Oh, my God! Ideas are coming! Things are happening here! Ok, Ok, what would you say here, if I told you that I had a plan to raise your profile upstairs by 100%.
What would you say? I can't be done! You're crazy! What would you say Roy? Roy's passed out! Ok! I need a felt-tip pen, and some paper.
45 TODAY No, no! Oh, no, really, really, really, that was a true story! Unbelievable! I said why we don't go out with the I.
guys more often? - You're hilarious! - Yes, we are! You guys should come down here more often you know, you should see this as a new era for Reynholm Industries.
"A new era for Reynholm Industries!" Oh, do you know what! If you want to hear something really funny, a really funny story, you should hear what happened to Moss and I, when we were so drunk in Amsterdam that Moss lost his glasses! Moss! Moss! Come here! Come here! Tell them that story about when we were drunk in Amsterdam.
Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah! Oh, it's brilliant! Oh, this a great story, you're gonna love it! I'm just gonna get another box of wine! Well go on, then.
All right.
Well, one night, we were really drunk.
And huh, we were so drunk that we decided to hire prostitutes.
And when they arrived to the hotel, we were too scared to do anything, so we brought them to the fair.
Oh, really nice! In the end, they only charged us half.
But we did have to pay for all the rides.
Oh, isn't that just the best story? Oh, man! You told me to never tell that story to anyone.
Well, what're you talking about? That's a brilliant story! And then you nearly walked into the canal! Has it got to that part with the boatman? Do you mean the story when I lost my glasses? Yes! What story did you think I mean? Moss? What did you say?! What did you say?! It's all right for you two.
You're used to being social social piranhas I'm a very popular person usually.
That girl earlier, that tried to beat me to death with her shoes, did anybody get her number? That was a nice day the fair, wasn't it? With Brandy and Crystal! Hello I.
? Yeah.
Have you tried turning it off and on again? Hello! Hello!
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