The IT Crowd s01e04 Episode Script

The red door

Transcript : Sixe, Anyone.
Suggestions, critics & insults ;) The Red Door.
"We don't need no education!" Yes you do.
You've just used the double negative.
Notice anything? - What? - Yes.
Your eyes, something's wrong with your eyes.
No I have a new cup.
What's wrong with my eyes? It's not very distinctive, is it? How's anyone supposed to know it's yours? There's a picture of me on it.
No, there isn't! - Yes there is.
- No there isn't! - Moss! - Yes there is.
I'm sick of my things going walk about.
With this picture, everyone knows that a certain Mr.
Moss might be looking for his cup There is nothing on the cup! Wrangle with him and you'll find your handful my friend.
Wrangle! With who? There's no one there! - Morning.
- Morning.
Did you have a nice week-end? - It was alright, thanks.
- Not you! I did too.
Nice scarf.
- I'm not wearing a scarf.
- Not you, Moss! Notice anything new about Moss? His eyes? What is wrong with my eyes? No, he has a new cup.
It's the talk of the office.
Yes, I think I read about it in Hits.
Receptionist 3rd floor, Gloria what's-her-name Have you seen her baby? I didn't even know she was pregnant.
She was onto here! Yeah, I thought she was stealing office equipment.
- What? - Ask me where it is - Where what is? - The picture.
Where is the picture, Moss? It's on the base, Roy.
OK, well, let's see it then! Sure, I pour hot water all over myself, and we all have a good chuckle.
Everyone except muggins here.
Show you in a minute.
Can I ask you two a question? Please, Christ, yes! Wait, wait.
One moment, wait.
How can you two live like this? - How can you two - Don't google the question Moss! What are you talking about? It's so disgusting in here.
I mean I know nobody comes down here, but it doesn't mean you have to live like animals, you know I mean for a start you could clean that window and you'd have a bit of light in here.
What window? That one up there.
Yeah, that's not a window.
Yes it is.
Get it clean, you'll have some light in here.
I think that we have plenty of light light to be doing fine! I mean look at that CD tray.
Isn't that important, when you'd like to actually put CDs in there at some point? Well, yes, ideally, but I haven't the heart to move them.
I mean, how did that even happen? Ok.
Now, I'm curious.
Give us a look at the picture then.
What picture? The picture on the cup.
Right! Behold! There's nothing there! What?! This isn't my cup! What is that? Goat's cheese salad? You don't like goat's cheese? I don't like goat's anything! I don't like goats being involved in any stage of the food production process.
Would I blow everyone's mind if I ate dessert first? What are you eating anyway? It's a bucket of fried chicken.
You know, it comes in a real bucket now.
Tell me, what's behind that red door? Nothing.
Well, there must be something behind it.
There's nothing behind the red door, Jen.
- Well then I can just go - No Jen! It's just a boring old store room, that's all.
It's just a store room where we keep the snibbits.
What's a snibbit? It's a kind of planch.
A planch for the computers? Yes.
Computer planch.
Well, if it's a store room, - you can store some of this stuff.
- No! Jen, Jen! Look, I know that you wanna make your mark down here and, and that's really sweet, but, you can't just go messing around with the snibbits door room, willy-nilly.
You You can't upset the whole harmony of the place.
Harmony! What harmony? Look, I know that the place looks like a bit of a mess, but it's actually a very delicate ecosystem.
Everything is connected.
It's like the rainforest.
You change one thing, even the tiniest bit, and the whole rainforest dies.
You don't want the rainforest to die, do you? No, I really don't want the rainforest to die.
That's what will happen if you open the red door.
Hello, I.
, have you tried turning it off and on again? Ok, but are you sure that it's plugged in? Ok, well I'll be up in a minute.
What was that about? Just a girl on four.
Oh, a job? You gonna go? Yeah.
In a while.
It can wait.
But why can it wait? She probably needs to get on, she needs her computer, you know.
Yeah well, I am reading a comic.
I knew it.
Every time I used to phone I.
in my last job it's a good couple of hours before someone got to me.
That is how we do it.
You can't go up straight away or they'll all expect it.
You're killing the rainforest! Stop saying that! Look there's more than that: me and this girl, I asked her out once, she said no, it all got a little bit embarrassing and ever since then, whenever I go up, she treats me like I'm some sort of sexually frustrated cretin.
Get up there now, please.
You're not the head of this department.
No, I'm relationship manager.
I'm the one you gets the complaints.
I'm the one who gets in trouble.
I'm the one whose name is on the line Oh God! All right, I will go up just to shut you up.
Watch her! For God's sake! There's someone under here.
Yes! Hello! Hello? Did you get it fixed? Oh, yeah.
Well, left him to it.
- Just can't have him in sight.
- Yeah.
Do what you need and just go.
What are you laughing at? This flipping circuit board, Jen, Some chump has run the data line right through the power supply.
Amateur hour! I've got tears in my eyes.
Roy's stuck under a desk.
Stuck under a desk?! Yes.
It is an unusual text, isn't it? It's not just me? No, it's unusual.
I'd best investigate.
You investigate.
I'll hold the fort.
Listen, I'm really sorry about your hand.
Oh, don't worry about it.
I must have cut it when I swooned.
I startled you a bit.
I didn't know there were anyone else down here.
I thought it was just the three of us.
I often work at nights so, perhaps that's why you haven't seen me.
Gosh, it's very cold in here, isn't it? Air conditioning.
Keep these things cool.
Yes, what are they? I've no idea.
They have put me in charge of them.
Moss and Roy.
I don't know their names.
I mean, I don't know any of these stuff even does.
What's going on there? I don't know.
Is it good that it's doing that? Usually, it doesn't do that.
And I think I should tell them, but, but often I just look away.
And this one: Flash.
Then wait for it.
Nothing for a while.
Here it comes.
Double flash.
It's obvious you are going mad.
So, let me get this straight.
You stay down here all the time.
I pop out occasionally when I have to get supplies.
And you don't know why you're here, or what you do.
So this is your job? This is what you want for a career? No.
You don't understand.
I'm not here because I want to be here.
This is This is my punishment.
You see, I used to be Denholm's second in command.
Do I amaze you? So, how did you end up down here? That's the question I've been asking myself for 4 long years.
Oh I couldn't help noticing that you're bleeding.
- Yes.
No it's fine it - Just let me - Please I can help.
- I'll deal with myself at home but the risk is, honestly.
Oh my Oh my God.
Please, excuse, excuse me, what are you doi Get off me! Get Thank you.
That should clear up nicely.
Yes, there was a time when things were very different.
I was one of Reynholm Industries' top guys.
You should have seen me, I was magical.
Here's me saying some pretty important stuff to a group of people circled around me.
In a boardroom, I was a wizard.
A punchy character.
Here's me with a graph.
Things were moving fast.
So fast, my career was advancing by leaps and bounds.
Adam saw greater things for me.
They were crazy heady days.
It seemed like these days would last forever.
But it all changed.
So, what happened? It's quite a long story actually.
Really? Don't worry about it then.
Oh my good gracious me, look at that! Quick! What is it? I can't explain it.
You're just going to have to come over here, and look out this window for a while.
Whatever it is, we're not interested.
I have to say you're missing out.
Jiminy! Jones! Look, the nature of the things that is happening has changed slightly, rendering it yet more interesting.
Someday, I will tell my kids about this.
But you can't even tell us How are you gonna tell your children? Oh, you have no interest in the world.
Are you sure it's okay to come out? Yeah, don't you worry about those two.
And listen Richmond, I've always wanted to know yeah, why do you never see any Cockney Goths? They're too cheerful.
They'd spoil it for the rest of us.
And how come you never see Goths driving cars? We drive cars We're just like you really except that we listen to Cradle of Filth.
Cradle of Filth, I presume that's a band.
It's not literally a cradle of filth? Oh no.
That would be horrible.
Cradle of Filth are actually one the best contemporary dark-wave bands in the world.
I'll never forget the first time I heard them.
Changed my life.
Blew my mind.
I was lucky I discovered them when I did! Because it was around that time that things started to go wrong for me at work.
I don't know what happened.
Suddenly, people just weren't returning my calls.
In my strategy meetings, they'd seemed distracted.
I couldn't put my finger on it but something was wrong.
I'll tell you.
It was good to have the Filth to come home to after another disappointing day.
You've got to help Roy! Richmond's out of his room.
He's not in his room, he's supposed to be in his room.
Why is he out of his room? Well, he's gotta come out and play with us for a while.
But the rainforest and What's wrong with you Moss? Roy's stuck underneath a lady's desk.
What! Still?! Look, I know that normally this would be very funny but he's been under there too long for reasonable explanation.
That woman looks down, she's going to assume he's a desk rabbit.
- What's a desk rabbit? - I just made that up.
But that's probably going to be what they'll sort of call people like Roy.
But Roy is not a desk rabbit, he's my best friend.
Unless you do something so tumble you, me and Tim Burton over there.
What can I possibly do? I Look, she could look under there any minute.
- It could already be too late.
- I don't know what to do You're relationship manager, that falls under relationship.
Alright, alright.
Just shut you up.
Hello Richmond.
How are things? Oh you know.
Not brilliant.
He's supposed to be in his room.
There's a builder outside, taking off his shirt.
- Like in ads? - Yeah, like in ads - Easy one downstairs? - They're fine, yeah.
I left Moss and Richmond in charge.
Good, well Moss Richmond! He's not out of his room, is he? Yeah.
What did I say about the red door? I said don't open the red door! It was the only thing that I asked you! What have you got against him? Just don't like him.
Oh God, you're just like the rest of them, the people that turn their backs on him as soon as he became a Goth.
He obviously hasn't told you about the funeral.
I think that you should ask him about the funeral.
Hello Denholm.
Hi Jen.
I'm just enjoying this cup of tea.
Brilliant! How you doing Jen? Yeah.
Just to say I met Richmond.
I see.
It's not for me to say Denholm, but it sounds like you two had a good relationship at one point.
You should speak to him.
I'll thank you to keep out of this Jen.
- Goths are people to.
- Enough! There's absolutely no point to anything.
You're right, no point, it's all futile, can't even find my cup.
Try to look on the bright side.
Ah! The bright side! Sometimes, you just think what would actually change if I just killed myself.
You're right.
I could just kill myself.
And it'd be so easy, wouldn't it? So very, very easy.
Richmond! Get back to your room! What's the point of sending him back to him room, what's the point of anything? Come on, get brush! Come on! But she said I could come out.
Well you can't come out.
You're bringing everyone down.
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, he is! - Come on! - Thank you.
Okay well then, tell her, why they sent you down here.
Tell her what you did.
I didn't do anything, I don't know why I'm down here.
So Denholm just amorted you for nothing, did he? No, he changed.
After his father died.
I don't think he ever fully recovered.
From the moment I saw him at the funeral, I could tell there was something different.
Bloody good of you to come, thanks.
Bloody good service, wasn't it? Yeah? - Thank you.
- Watch your bloody hand! I'm so sorry.
It's Cradle of Filth.
It got me through some pretty bleak times.
Try track 4, Coffin Fodder.
It sounds horrible, but it's actually quite beautiful.
Relationship manager.
Yes of course.
First thing tomorrow.
That was Denholm.
He wants to see you.
What is it?! I can't believe you want me back.
You've got Jen to thank for that.
Her words the other day, moved me deeply.
Very deeply indeed.
Really? What did she say? Like I remember! Point is: it's the effect of her words that's important.
I now know that treating someone differently just because of the colour of their skin is wrong.
I don't see why things can't get back to the way they were.
I just don't know what to say.
You're back with the big guys Richmond! Great! That's if you're prepared to take me on again.
You know how demanding I am.
Stop it.
You know how changeable I can be.
Yes Mr.
Call me Denholm! All right, thanks Denholm.
No no.
I don't like that.
Don't do it again.
All right, sorry.
In fact, I've changed my mind about the whole thing.
What? You mean I have to stay down here? Yes! And leave me alone you goblin! Oh well.
I suppose it's not quite so bad now that I don't have to stay in that room.
Yes, yes.
Well, we're happy to have you.
My milky lens has popped out.
Don't step on it.
You've got to help me find it.
Oh, actually, I think it's just popped round the back.
It does that sometimes.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on fellow.
Come on.
How about that then? That looks great! Told you it was a window.
Bloody lens.
I'd really ought to Actually, I'm gonna Thank God.
At least, everything is back to normal.
As long as no one goes through that door.

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