The IT Crowd s02e06 Episode Script

Men without women

You there! Blind, wizened man.
I have come from a faraway place to seek a great sorcerer.
I am whom you seek.
You? You're nothing but an old man in rags playing hoopaloo with the wind.
You wish for proof.
Pick a card.
Don't tell me.
Put it back in the pack.
Is this your card? No, but damn close.
You are the man I seek.
Come, sit.
Tell me a tale.
It is a woman.
It is always a woman.
Her sweet voice wakes a mighty tiger behind my fly.
Yet she is proud and will not have me.
Her name is Jane or Jan or something similar.
You would have her to your bed, would you? Aye.
A thousand times, aye.
Take this tinc tincture, and put it in her drink.
She'll be yours within moments.
Thank you.
I will use it well.
What's that for? Sorry, it was an accident.
What did you do that for?! Like I say, it was an accident.
- It was full of coins! - All right! I've apologised once.
That was a stupid thing to do! You could have caught it, you idiot.
- That was a stupid thing to do! - I have no time for this bullshit.
Transcripts: subtitle.
uk - What level is this? - Shut up! - Oh, my God! - Woo! - That was perfect! - I rock! Didn't miss a note.
I am wasting my life.
I am wasting my life.
What, am I gonna put this on my CV? - Can't something just be fun? - Oh, no, put it away, please.
But I've got a big gig coming up.
Put it away.
- All right, Yoko.
- Oh, God.
Are you still in the same clothes as yesterday? I, er, may have met a lady in the pub last night.
Oh, yeah? Oh, yes, it was quite a memorable evening.
Good for you.
Oh, Stephanie, hi.
Oh, God.
Right, OK, yeah.
I'll send him right I'll be right up.
Douglas again? Yeah.
He keeps bringing me up on these flimsy pretexts.
The other day, it was to show me a dead fly.
Fly! Yeah, it's getting a little ridiculous.
Wait until I tell you what happened last night.
Wait till I tell you what's just happened to me.
I bought this muffin from the canteen, and I'll be Jolly Rogered if there's not hyperoside in it.
And unless I'm going crazy, that's selenium.
It's definitely hyperoside, and it's not listed in the table of contents.
That was a great story.
You remember the woman from last night? She seemed lovely, right? She was a delight.
We get outside, there was a group of tramps, two of whom she knows by name.
She starts screaming at them, "You owe me money!" She thinks that the tramps owe her money.
Next thing I know, it all kicks off.
I'm running for my life.
It was a horrible evening, Moss, a horrible evening, and she's a horrible woman.
Right But you slept with her? I've been expecting you.
You asked me to come up.
Which is why I've been expecting you.
Anyway, I'm glad we've got that cleared up.
I've got a lot of important papers to look over, so if you don't mind What, leave? Yes, please.
I like you, Jen.
You don't ask questions.
A lot of people would be confused as to why I invited them up, then asked them to leave.
Not you.
A person needs a lot of backbone to be ordered around like that.
You've got spunk and balls.
And I like that in a woman.
Thank you.
Which is why I'd like you to be my P.
- Really? - Yes.
Stephanie's leaving.
Definitely? No, Stephanie.
Come sit on my big hand.
It's a huge pay rise, a chance of wonderful opportunities.
you'd be crazy to pass up.
- What? - What? Did you just say sex? I don't think so.
Come on, Jen! I need your mind on the job, not thinking about sexy sex all the time.
It's true, I have been accused of sexy shenanigans against my female employees.
Yes, there's that court case.
Yeah, but she'll settle.
That was the old me.
This is the new me.
And I want you to be a part of it.
A part of me.
Sex Moss, I've got something to tell you.
Oh, my God! - Wait 'till I tell you.
- Ah, sorry.
Where's Roy? He should be here.
Before you begin, I should say that I have problems processing big news.
Douglas has asked me to be his P.
Oh, my God! His P.
Oh my God! That is something and a half.
His P.
How? His Shut up! His P.
A! It means personal assistant.
Thank you.
What does that actually involve? Oh, picking up his mail, going to the supermarket for him, getting his washing.
I have to say, Moss, it's a real step up.
How are you going to do that and work here? That's the thing.
He wants me to quit the department.
You're not going to do it, are you? Well, there's a huge pay rise.
So, no? No, I probably am.
But what about the pay rise? - That's if I go.
- Right.
He's not paying me more to stay here.
Of course not, that'd be ridiculous.
So, am I getting a pay rise? Why would you get a pay rise? OK, let's just start again.
Douglas wants me to be your P.
A? No! - Then why am I getting a pay rise? - Whoa, why is he getting a pay rise? Jen wants me to be her PA.
Where did you get this? It's Douglas who wants a P.
I don't want to be Douglas's P.
He's not really qualified, Jen.
Do you even have the authority to offer me a pay rise? I don't want you to be my P.
It's Douglas who wants me to be his P.
That's it.
That's all there is.
You don't come into it, you're not involved.
Who's Douglas? So, Douglas wants you to be his P.
A? - Yes.
- Are you gonna do it? I dunno, it's an opportunity, you know? Yeah.
You should probably do it.
I mean, you don't want to be stuck down here for the rest of your life playing Guitar Hero.
Yeah, I think I'll say yes.
I think I have to.
You guys will probably be glad to see the back of me.
Wow, you're gonna let that hang there.
No, I'm joking.
Of course we won't.
Oh, for f OK.
OK, could you stop shouting at me? OK, stop shouting at me.
I told you not to call me at work.
How are you drunk again? It's not even noon.
Who is this? Yeah, yeah.
This is his wife.
Please don't call here again.
What are you gonna do without me? You know that list of things we're not allowed to do when Jen's here? I think it's time for a print-out.
Oh, my word.
Oh, God.
Oh, bloody hell! This is amazing! Get in! Welcome to the 30th floor, Jen.
Come with me.
I wanna show you something.
Two of them now! Yes.
Do you want me to get rid of them? Ten minutes in and you've already paid for yourself.
So, Terry can do squash on the Tuesday.
Lucinda says she can't wait.
And Chessington World of Adventures say they're very sorry, but you're not allowed back.
How long have you been working for me now, Jen? Three, four months, is it? Well, no, it's just been today.
You're right.
We went jogging, I knackered that squirrel, the hand thing happened.
Feels longer.
Feels like we've built up a, er, connection.
Yes, yes, a business connection.
Yeah, yeah.
More than that, though.
No, I don't think so.
Well, I feel like.
Know what I mean? I do and I disagree.
Anyway, these came back today.
Come on, Jen! Ever feel like just having some fun? Mr Reynholm, I am a professional.
I take my job seriously.
And if I wasn't able to do it properly, I'd be letting myself and you down.
So, please, either let me do my job or let me go.
Anyway, these came back today and they said they've done their very best but some of the stains just won't come out.
Good God.
You looked exactly like Melissa there.
Melissa? My wife.
She died.
Oh, poor you.
That's terrible.
There's not a day goes past that I don't think of her.
I'll never forget our final moments.
Help me! My husband's trying to kill me! Oh, oh, I'm so, so sorry.
- Would you do me a favour? - What? I want to feel like Melissa is alive just one last time.
Here's a selection of her lingerie.
Oh, Mr Reynholm! Please dress as my sexy dead wife! Oh, this isn't working out.
I thought, given time, you'd get past the sex thing, but you obviously can't.
I'm going back to IT, where my skills are appreciated.
I'm not interested in you sexually and I never will be.
I didn't want it to come to this, Jen.
But would you like a cup of tea? Very busy.
Leave a message.
Before you do this, you're sure you can hit it so that it won't damage my teeth as it goes in? It's a very simple chip shot.
You totalled that cup, dude! OK, one more try.
Jen would never let us do this! No, she'd be like, "This is dangerous, you're gonna hit Moss in the face.
" How many more things have we got left on the list? I think we've done nearly all of them.
OK, we've had a little sleep, we've walked around in our pants The only thing left to do is a prank phone-call.
All right, but let's concentrate on this first.
WINDOW SMASHES Whoops! OK, do it again.
Two lovely cups of tea.
I'm like your P.
A, cos I made the tea! Hang on.
We both take it the same way, don't we? Aren't you gonna drink it? I will in a bit.
So, well done on passing the test, Jen.
- The test? - Yes! The clumsy seduction.
Don't say you couldn't see through it.
They were a test to find out whether you really wanted to work for me or whether you just wanted to come up here for my body.
Oh, no, no, no.
Not at all.
- All right.
- No, no.
Physically, you're just not the sort of man I go for.
Yeah, thanks.
I go for classically good-looking men.
Blond, broad, clean-shaven.
All right! Enough of the jibber jabber! I want you to watch this DVD presentation I've just made.
Any thoughts? I haven't seen it yet.
Then see it now! Hello, I'd like to order a pizza, please.
Can I have it with extra grapes? Grapes?! What are you like? Yes, a pizza with grapes, please.
What? You have a pizza with grapes? Do grapes even go with pizza? Oh, I see.
Oh, you got me.
Oh, very funny.
Very mature.
You're only wasting your own time.
I wish I could've seen the look on his face! I can't believe we've done the whole list.
We've really done all eight items? Do you want to play Guitar Hero? I hate those kind of games.
Right - Oh, I've got one! - What?! Why don't we ring them up again and ask if they do a pizza with pineapple on it?! Maybe somebody's computer will break.
I think you'd enjoy this more while drinking your tea.
Reynholm Industries.
A big, hard business in a big, hard building.
Busting into the future strongly, again and again.
Pounding the future.
Making the future beg for it.
The future wants it and Reynholm Industries wants to give it to the future.
That's what it's all about.
We don't want to be like a dead fly, regretting what we didn't do in our short time on this earth.
So maybe it's time to make a decision.
- What was that?! - What? What happened? Something just flashed up there.
- Really? Are you sure? - Let me rewind.
There it is again! Something's wrong with your laptop.
I'll call the boys.
Roy, hello.
I didn't even hear the phone ring.
Oh, Jen! Jen! Hello! It's Jen! Hi.
How are you, Jen? Good, yeah.
Listen, Douglas's computer - What's been happening? - What?.
- How's everything upstairs? - Tell her I'm here! Moss is with me.
You do know I spoke to you four hours ago? Jen, Jen, when are you coming back down? - Let me speak to her! - No! I'm talking to her! I don't know.
Listen, Douglas's laptop is having some difficulties.
So, can you come up and have a look? Oh, no, not these idiots.
Mr Reynholm, the men in the IT department are my friends.
They're not idiots.
What the hell is this? Where the hell are your trousers? I get it.
When the cat's away.
It's like all the fun I had just after my wife died.
Listen, don't sit on anything.
And Mr Reynholm's laptop is broken.
Something flashed up a second ago.
I'll help! No! Have you tried turning it off and on again? No, we haven't tried that.
- Well, let's have a little look see.
- I want a go! - I want to do a job! - You can do the next one! Don't touch that.
Why are you drinking Rohypnol, Jen? Flunitrazepam Yep, that's definitely Rohypnol.
Are you having problems with insomnia? That's nonsense.
Drink it, then.
All right, I will.
There we go.
Perfectly normal cup of tea.
Now if you don't mind, I have some filoffing to do.
Filoffing? Yes, I have some filoffels that need pipping and I'm the mulder.
You did put something in that tea! Damn that sorcerer! 20 gold pieces and I'm wankered on Rohypnol! Oh, God, Rohypnol! And what's the matter with you? I just saw his film.
I didn't care for it.
I am very aroused.
I want to come back downstairs with you guys.
No, it's all right, we've got a replacement.
- Shut up! - Oh, right, OK.
Who's that?.
It's an answering machine.
An answering machine? It's called Jen 2.
It does everything you do and it doesn't boss us about.
It is brilliant.
Oh, shut up, for God's sake! You replaced me with an answering machine? OK, I think we should probably leave now.
I don't really like the look in his eyes.
Yeah, let's go, let's go.
Where's Jen? Pucker up, boys.
It's hammer time! You lot deserve each other! I think you've accidentally locked the door there, Jen!
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