The IT Crowd s04e02 Episode Script

The Final Countdown

So, how much are you asking for? Oh, nothing, just take whatever you want.
I don't want to start cluttering up the place with old stuff, you know? That's what this new place is about, I want to totally reinvent myself.
From this moment on, everything is going to be different.
Hello, IT, have you tried turning it off and on again? I did it! I did it! I've been accepted! - No! - What's going on? I've been accepted! I applied and they said yes! Who said yes? What are you talking about Moss, you're shaking! Consonant, please.
B And a vowel, please.
And lastly, A.
And here's the Countdown clock.
All right, let's see what we've got.
Jeremy? Six.
And Maurice? - And Maurice? - Nine.
Jeremy, what's your six? TENAN And Maurice? It actually already is a word TNETENNBA.
Good heavens, really? Could you use it in a sentence for us? Good morning, that's a nice TNETENNBA.
Someone reminded me, you haven't yet got a word less than eight letters.
It's quite extraordinary.
You really do look like you're on your way to winning that Countdown teapot.
No offence, Jeremy.
- Who are you?! - Want me to do your windows? What?! What?! I can't understand you.
There we are, mate.
No! No, no! Stop cleaning my windows! I want to go to the toilet.
I don't know what you're saying.
I did the window there and the Yes, yes.
I can't understand what you're saying.
Can I leave my bike for a few minutes? Okay, then.
All right, bye-bye.
What are you doing? Why are you bringing the bike inside? What? No! Where are you going?! Where are you going? Why do I have your bike? And, then, when he leaves, he just leaves all of his stuff in my flat.
- What stuff? - All his window cleaning bollocks, the ladder, bike, everything.
It's still there! What, in your flat? Yeah.
He never came back.
- Yeah.
He never came back.
- How did he even get in? Well, he was very persuasive.
I think.
Well, I don't know how to get in touch with this guy.
His stuff is cluttering up my hallway.
I've had to start putting these up.
My mum always says, you should never open the door.
What do you mean? An unopened door is a happy door.
So we never answer ours when someone knocks.
- What, so you all just sit there? - Yes.
So the doorbell goes and you all just sit there until the person goes away? Yes.
What if it's important? What if it's good news? This is London, Jen.
It's not someone with cake! Unless that cake is made of dog poo and knives! Laters.
I'm going to zone out at the heads of department meeting.
I thought you were trying to avoid those.
There's only so many times I can say there's a RAM emergency.
Hello? Yes? Hello.
Can I come in? - Why? - What? Why do you want to come in? Isn't this the heads of department meeting? Every Monday and Friday? Or has it changed? No, no, yes, it is.
You've missed a few though, haven't you? Yeah, there was a RAM emergency.
The office had too much RAM.
Okay, well you see the nature of the meetings has changed somewhat and it wouldn't be fair on you.
There'd be a lot of catching up.
Oh, okay! Okay! Thanks, Jen! They don't want me.
They don't want me at the Monday-Friday! I thought you hated those meetings? I did hate those meetings until they didn't want me at those meetings.
And now I love those meetings.
Five minutes, Mr Moss.
Thanks, Phil.
A fan of tiny biscuits.
You are full of surprises.
Please, don't let me stop you.
I like a man with appetite.
It's what got you this far.
Sorry, do I know you? They call me Prime.
I had another name, once.
I no longer go by it.
Harold Tong.
That's right.
I won year 16 of Countdown.
Yes, it was I who won the 16th Countdown teapot.
The teapot we all crave.
You crave it too.
Your eyes betray you.
He has spirit, this one.
But do you have the spirit to become an ultimate champion, I wonder? Do you want to get a photo together or something? I came only to give you this.
What is it? Roy? Jesus! Alistair, hey! Long time no see! Yeah.
Roy and I were at college together.
Wow, you are looking great! Thanks.
So what are you up to these days? What am I up to? Wow.
Big question.
I'm the head writer for Shotgun games? Do you know them? Yeah! Wow! Really? I play Shotgun games all the time.
They're brilliant.
Oh, thank you.
Wow, that is so cool.
Hey, you just won an award, right? Yes.
Well, see you soon, Roy.
Don't ask me what I'm doing, you arrogant twat.
Sorry, I'm not sure I'm in the right place.
Oh, you're in the right place, Mr Moss.
Welcome to Eight Plus.
You came! I'm glad.
That's Roger Black.
That's Steven Pawlin.
You know your ex-Countdown winners.
Why are they all here? Why, for someone who knows how to add and subtract and multiply and divide lots of numbers to get one other number, you're not so good at putting two and two together, are you? This is Eight Plus! An exclusive club for those gifted few who make it through to eight episodes of Countdown.
And you are our newest member.
Oh, isn't that nice? Thanks for letting me know.
All right.
All right.
Does it not outrage you, Roy, as a member of this IT department, that I, your head, is not being represented at the Monday-Friday? Couldn't give a shit.
My neighbour just called.
Turns out that window-washing Willie from West Gibberish is not now going to be able to pick up his window cleaning bric-a-brac.
Why not? Oh, he was hit by a car or something.
Just my luck! You shouldn't have agreed to mind it for him in the first place.
Thanks, Jen.
That's really helpful.
That's really good advice.
That's exactly what I'll do.
In the past! When it happens again, last week.
I have to give it back to him! It can't just live in my hallway! Don't give a shit! No, no.
Oh, no! No! No! Alistair! I'm not a window cleaner! Alistair! Alistair! I'm not a window cleaner.
I'm not a window cleaner! Alistair! I'm not a window cleaner! All right, something weird is going on in that room.
They're wearing dressing gowns.
Roy, will you listen to me? I don't have to listen to you.
I'm not married to you.
I've got a lot on my mind right now, Jen.
This bloke thinks I'm a window cleaner.
Bloke I went to college with.
He's doing amazingly The creature he was with.
And he thinks that I am a window cleaner.
A window cleaner! What's wrong with that? It's a noble profession.
If your last profession was cleaning balls! Google him.
I've tried.
He has no online presence.
Apparently people were being rude to him so he suspended all his accounts.
He's not on Friendface, he's not on Chitter.
Listen How do people expect you to track them down if they maintain no online presence!? You've both asked and answered that question.
What's going on up there? Is this meeting room five? You know, they soundproofed that a few weeks ago? Really? What's that all about? Douglas said it was for super secret meetings.
But I want to go to super secret meetings.
I can't believe I might be missing super secret meetings.
But the dressing gowns.
Why are they wearing dressing gowns? Orgies! No.
Maybe they're getting some kind of executive massage treatment for being brilliant.
Do you think they're getting massages? If they're getting massages, I think my human rights are being abused by them not letting me in.
Why don't you wear a towel, hang around the door, and see if they let you in? I have my dignity, thank you, Moss.
Hang on, that might just work! I can't believe you've joined a swanky club.
It's so showbizzy! Roy, the people here see me in a certain way.
It's perhaps not the way I've been seen outside of the club.
I'd just like you not to, you know, mention it in any way you know.
No problem.
Hello, Terence.
Glass of milk.
Straight up.
Prime? Ribena for me.
Roy? Oh, I'll have a beer.
Thank you.
Alcohol-free beer, surely? No.
Get him what he wants.
But - But - Just get him what he wants.
I'll have to go out.
Can somebody mind the bar? No.
You know what? It's fine.
I shouldn't really be drinking during lunch.
I'll just have a coke.
It's fine.
Will I see you tonight? Not now, Ivana.
Did you have sex with that lady? If you call that mindless animalistic rutting sex, then yes, I suppose we did.
That sounds like sex! Countdown Groupies are the most sexually voracious of all groupies, and the most beautiful.
I hear someone likes drinking beer.
This is a private booth, Negative One.
Is that a name?! This is a private club, Word.
Word! True dat! True dat, innit.
My name is Word here.
Roy, please.
I'm sorry! I'm sorry, Negative One.
Heard you been catching some nice letters.
I get the same letters as everyone else.
Good when they fall in the right order, though, innit? Steady, gentlemen.
Boom! Don't mind him.
Negative One was quite proud of being our best speller until Moss came along.
Ah, our drinks.
Can I just say I am having a great time! Hey, y'all.
Turn the music off.
Turn the music off! What's he up to? Maybe our new champion would like to test his skills out on the street.
He's challenging you to a game of Street Countdown.
You cannot accept.
It's too dangerous! Well, what do you say? Or is you worried you is going to show yourself up in front of your girlfriend? He's calling Roy your girlfriend.
Within the walls of Eight Plus, that's a definite diss.
You're lucky my "girlfriend" has gone to the toilet.
Is you going to answer me or what? No! We promised those days were over.
No more unlicensed Street Countdown battles! I didn't arks you.
I arksed him.
Well? What is Street Countdown? It's more or less the same as normal Countdown, except we play it on the street.
That doesn't sound that dangerous.
It can get quite cold.
I always wear thermals.
Ah, then you're probably fine.
Hey, I is still standing here.
What do you say, newbie? I came here to drink milk and kick ass.
And I've just finished my milk.
Welcome to Street Countdown! First rule of Street Countdown is that you really must try and tell as many people as possible about it.
It's a rather fun game and the more people we tell about it the better.
What the f?! Where is everyone? Hello? Hello? Moss? Ivana? Hello? Hello in there! Oh, for f! Oh, hey! Hey mate! Mate! Could you do me a favour? So do you just do big windows, or do you do call outs? What, did you think I would come round and do your house? No.
Didn't think that.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, hey! Alistair! Alistair! It's me! Alistair! I'm not a window cleaner! Hello? I'm not a window cleaner! I've got to go.
I'm I'm not a window cleaner! Oh, that bloke.
He thinks I'm a bloody window cleaner! Not that there's It's a noble profession.
Is this as fast as this goes? Consonant.
Boom! I'll take a further consonant.
Consonant, you get me? I'll take a vowel this time.
I'll have what he's having vowel.
I'll have another consonant.
Give me one of dem sweet, sweet consonants, you get me? I'll take a consonant, plain and simple, thank you.
I'll take an even sweeter vowel.
I'll take a regular vowel, please.
Yeah, I think I think that's probably enough letters, yeah? 18 letters.
I've never seen so many! He is the one.
What happened to you?! Shh! This is the longest word yet on Street Countdown.
Unlike normal Countdown, you see, what happens I don't care.
Negative One? Moss? Your word, Negative One? Enormousness.
I shall give my answer, if I may, in the form of a joke.
This is most irregular.
What do you call Negative One sitting alone in an empty room? I don't know.
What do you call Negative One sitting alone in an empty room? Overnumerousness! Gyles? Yes, that is a word! And the joke does make sense.
Okay, let's go! Oh, yes! Shit.
Five, six, seven Ah! Jen, you've joined us.
Yes, yes, I have! You're not really dressed for it.
Thought I'd wear normal clothes and work up a real sweat.
There's me thinking you didn't have it in you.
Right, now let's take it to the max.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Hey! Hey, Alistair! Oh, God, I can't believe I got you! How you doing? Yeah, no, it's Roy.
Yeah, hello.
Listen, Alistair, I just wanted to say, I'm not a window cleaner.
No, no, I work in IT.
Yeah, yeah, with computers and all that.
Macs? No, I really just work with Windows.
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