The Jeff Dunham Show (2009) s01e03 Episode Script

Episode 3

(Audience cheering) Font color="#ffff00" captioning sponsored by triage entertainment (Audience cheering) Thank you so much! All right! Thank you.
You're very kind! Thank you so much! Wow, i feel i just won the nobel prize For walking on a stage.
Could you please tell my daughters That you think i'm this cool, seriously? I need to send it to 'em by text message Because they are no longer accepting speech As a form of communication.
But now, ladies and gentleman, Could you please help me welcome a guy That's been a friend for a little while I guess you could call him a friend Achmed the dead terrorist.
(Cheering) (Chuckles) (Middle eastern accent): greetings, infidel swine! Achmed What?! -What are you doing? What do you mean, what am i doing? I am exercising what you folks call "freedom of speech.
" You don't have freedom of speech where you're from? Well, no, not exactly.
We have freedom of speech, but the government has Freedom of cutting out our tongues.
So that's why you're trying to become a u.
S.
Citizen? No, it is part of my master plan To destroy america from the inside.
But you did not hear it from me.
That's right.
Last week, achmed tried to become a u.
S.
Citizen.
Only in america could i become An american citizen.
A wise man once told me That the best way to defeat your enemies Is to learn their ways from the inside.
That man was hillary clinton.
Just kidding.
Or am i? What is your professional background? Uh, i was A terrorist in my country, But i promise to do something else here.
Cross my heart.
Have you ever been married To more than one person at the same time? I wouldn't call them "people," humberto.
They're women.
(Chuckles) A trick question.
Achmed, citizenship allows you to change your name.
Sure.
How about "steve"? Or some of those Things michael jackson says? You know, they're sounds, not really names like "chamon" Or "hoo-Oo!" Now there is a requirement That you pass an exam for government and history.
Are you aware of that, achmed? Crap! (School bell rings) Woman: you're all here to study citizenship and esl.
Don't be too worried about your accent Because english is not your first We do not have accents! Well, actually, you do have a bit of an accent.
I do not! Silence! I keel you! There's a slight accent when you say "kill.
" Keel? Not "keel.
" Kill.
Keel.
Kill.
Keel Kill.
Make it short.
Keel.
Kill.
Kill.
Keel.
Keel.
-I kil you.
All: i keel you.
I kill you.
I keel you.
-Okay.
Let's talk about the questions that you're going to be asked.
The first question is "What stops one branch of the government From becoming too powerful?" A bloody coup.
Uh, no.
What is the supreme Law of the land? Supersize it? (Laughs) What did susan b.
Anthony do? She put the "b" in "biotch.
" No.
Oh.
Okay, this is harder than i thought.
(School bell rings) Oh, psst! Hey, hey, hey, grasshopper, listen, I suck at taking tests big-Time.
How much would it cost for you to take my test? Sorry, no, no.
Ah! I need someone to take my test.
Who is the most american-Y person i know? (Goofy voice): my name is achmed.
I'm here to try to be an american person.
Okay, achmed, what is your country of origin? Uh afiraquistan? Afiraquistan is not a country.
Al quediego? Okay, it says in my notes here That you're from a country in the middle east? Uh, yup, middle east, yeah, that's it.
Which one? The one with the sand and the hats made out of towels.
Well, hello, achmed.
Uh, i'm afraid, uh, you didn't pass.
What?! How is that possible?! "What is the 17th amendment?" "Beer"? Idiot! "The national anthem is 'smoke on the water'"? Holy crap! It's not gonna happen.
You're not gonna become a u.
S.
Citizen.
I know so much about america, Like do you know why The statue of liberty has a torch? I believe it's symbolic of the light of freedom.
(Chuckling) oh, humberto, you're so funny! No, it's to help her at night So she can keep all the jews from sneaking in.
You know, there may be one other option for you.
What is it? I'll do anything! Do you have what it takes To be a united states marine?! Holy crap! Could somebody change this to nascar, please? Hello? Walter here.
Coming up, i hang with some nerds.
Sweet daddy d makes dunham look even whiter.
And then the purple freak tries To sell you some worthless crap.
Now go pee.
(Cheering and applause) You know, walter, i was thinking today That's fantastic! We're all so proud of you, jeff! Anyway, what i was going to say was I was thinking about the fact That older folks in general really don't know What myspace is.
I do.
I wish you'd get out of my space right now.
Well, i don't think A lot of folks know what twittering is.
Twittering: that's twisting someone's nipple in a bad way.
Why do you think I always have my frickin' arms crossed? Screw peanut.
This is why we sent walter to a mac store To learn about technology.
I don't need a fancy computer to give someone a good twitter.
(Beeping) So, kellen and jeremy here are going to be my tech guides.
Yep, i'm hanging out with a couple of sad nerds for a day.
Is it, uh, "nerds" or "virgins"? Geeks.
Geeks.
Yeah.
Oh.
Geeks.
Yeah.
You smell like pot.
What do you know about the internet, walter? Uh, it's a fad.
I give it three months, tops.
It's the ultimate resource, for, like, finding information On anything and i-I do mean anything.
It's all driven by porn, isn't it? You can accidentally happen upon some fetishes and so forth.
Oh, yeah, that's the excuse i give my wife.
"Oh, i didn't mean to click on bigthingys.
Com.
" Exactly.
That's a great excuse.
So, look, i've been trying to figure out There's something about you that gives me the heebie-Jeebies.
At first i thought it might be your hair, And then i realized, "nope, it's definitely your hair.
" So, what does your girlfriend think of your rat nest fez hat? I am, uh i don't have a girlfriend, walter.
Shocker.
Uh, so, walter, this is ichat.
It's a video chat program.
It's going to enable you to chat with anyone in the world.
Hello? Hello? Where's the camera? So, the camera is right up here in the top of the screen.
What if i walk around the house naked? Uh, well, if-If you're in the camera frame, It could pick that up as well.
Wow.
Nope.
Wouldn't fit.
Ha! Get it? I get it.
I get it.
Could i talk to somebody else now? Sure, sure.
Absolutely.
Hey, jose, this is my friend jeremy.
Oh.
Hola, señor jeremy.
Is he a virgin? (Whispers): yes.
Does he have the ganja? (Whispers): yes.
This one's called call of duty: modern warfare.
Let's kill some people.
(Gun firing, man groans) Whoa! This is a little more intense than frogger.
Holy crap! Goddamn son of a (bleep).
(Bleep) hit me in the head.
Come back here, you (bleep) ass (bleep).
Kick your ass! Hey, when the race wars go down, i want you on my team.
I never want to stop playing this game, ever.
(Guns firing) Wow.
Me and the two studs here Learned a lot today about the latest, Most cutting-Edge computer gadgets of the future.
Pencils in hand, let's review.
Today, i learned i liked the lady gaga.
I learned that kellen spends his breaks doing something Called whip-Its.
I finally convinced kellen to get his hair cut.
I learned jose might be running a cockfighting ring Out of jeff's house.
Now that kellen doesn't look like a serial killer, Maybe he'll get a little skank on the hang low.
I hope you learned a lot tonight on walter's technology minute, And if you didn't, good night and get over it.
(Cheering) Walter, i-I really enjoyed that.
Thank you.
When's your next tech minute? Uh, it's been postponed.
-Why? The slide projector broke.
(Chuckles) Sweet daddy d: yo, stay tuned to see me take dunham Somewhere he ain't never been And then peanut's purple ass Gets a little bling on the side.
I just hope it's legal.
All right.
Please welcome my long-Time manager, Sweet daddy d.
(Cheering) Hey! Hey, what's up, y'all? What's up, sweet daddy? What did you say? I said, "what's up?" You know, when you say, "what's up?" It sounds like (British accent): "good afternoon, my good fellow.
" I'm not that white.
Oh, dude, you are so white, You're whiter than center ice at a hockey game.
You're so white, Asians try to eat you with chopsticks.
You're so white, You think wonder bread is soul food.
You're so white, folks who play hackey sack are like, "Damn, that dude is white.
" You're like al sharpton's negative.
Sweet daddy doesn't think i have enough african american fans.
Enough! You don't have any black fans, dawg.
Then, i tried to get you some, starting at my barber shop.
Roll the damn clip.
Yo, what's up, my brothers and sisters? Ha, ha! Howdy, folks.
Shh! Just let me do the talking.
So, who here has heard of my man, jeff dunham? Exactly.
Well, now little jeff here Has a big new show On comedy central, so to make sure black america tunes in, I wanted you to meet him and see That he's the most hilarious man in the universe.
Go on and make all these nice black folks laugh.
Okay.
(Clears throat) Okay.
Well, hi, everybody.
Boy, i got a really bad sunburn the other day, And, um, don't you hate when that happens? So, any civil war buffs here? No, no, no, no, jeff.
Do the funny ones.
Yeah.
So, okay, i got plenty more.
Don't you hate it when you get pulled over in your volvo And your tuxedo gets caught in the door handle and Bye.
Look, dawg, maybe you should just go wait outside.
Yeah, that's probably best.
You guys have been great.
All right.
Now that we got the white dude out of the room, Uh, what did you think? Come on, be honest.
(Laughing) You know what? The problem is not That black folks don't know jeff dunham.
It's that jeff dunham don't know black folks.
Now, that's the truth.
That's the truth.
So, do a brother a solid.
Help me help the white man Figure out what black people think is funny.
(Hard rock blaring) All right, let's start with "who makes us laugh?" Oh, richard pryor.
Richard pryor's hilarious, and you know why? Because he's always saying bad words, like mother (bleep).
(Laughing) We can get jeff to start using mother (bleep) 50 times in his act.
Is that good? (Laughing) oh, this is good stuff.
We got to take some notes.
You got a piece of paper? Let's write it down.
Wait, we didn't meet.
What was your name? Stasha.
Well, stasha, nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you too, sugar daddy.
(Laughs, smooches) (Laughing) Who else? Katt williams.
Well, how can you be a churchgoing woman And talk about him? 'Cause he always talks about hos and pimps.
I go to church on sunday.
Oh, that's right.
(Man laughing) Write dat down! Pimps and hos.
But there's only room for one tiny pimp in this room.
(Makes kissing sound) (All laugh) You know, when he's telling those jokes, He even put the n-Word in the right place.
I says, "well, i'll be damned.
I like that.
" Oh, so maybe we should get my man To say the n-Word like katt williams does.
No.
Negative.
Negative.
See, he can't do it 'cause he doesn't fit that mold.
Cross that off the list.
No n-Word.
That's right.
All right, we talked about who makes black folks laugh.
Now what about "what"? What about a guy getting kicked in the nuts? That ain't funny.
Nah, that's not funny.
Ain't nothin' funny about that.
Now you do know why A prostitute make more money than a dope dealer? Why does a prostitute? It's just simple.
'Cause she can Wash her crack and use it again.
Okay, you write that down? I got to write that down.
Oo-Ee! Write that down! I'm gonna go get honky mcgee and lay a little 411 On him on how to change his show, You know what i'm sayin'? (Knocking) These nice souls helped me Put together a list of everything Black people think is funny.
Listen up.
Couple things that we find funny: Richard pryor, funny.
(Bleep), funny.
Katt williams, hos and pimps, that's funny.
A couple things that are not funny: Kicking in the nuts, no.
"What you talkin' 'bout, willis?!" Not funny.
And most definitely last but not least Do not use the n-Word.
Not funny.
Well, no wonder black people don't like me.
I didn't know any of this stuff.
Jeff dunham, these gorgeous folks have poured Hot comedy fudge on your Scoop-Of-Vanilla act.
I think i know exactly what i need to do.
What?! Will you watch jeff dunham's New tv show for some free money? You disgust me.
(Cheering and applause) Payin' black folks To watch your tv show.
How does that make you feel? Like shizznit.
Announcer: and now Hey, who wants to go to my birthday party? Ouch.
Announcer: this has been So peanut, tell us what's been going on lately.
Well, let's see.
I can't really talk about it.
What do you mean? I have a lot going on.
Really? I do.
I have been kicking ass here in l.
A.
Tinseltown.
You have? I've been getting a lot of offers.
A lot of showbiz offers? Yes, i've been turning down scripts left and right.
Really? -Oh, yeah! Like what? They sent me a romantic comedy, And i said, "not enough explosions.
" They said, "do you want to work with tom cruise?" And i said, "i'm sorry.
I don't do space aliens.
" They said, "how about brad pitt?" And i said, "Who?" They sent me a script For the next harry potter sequel.
And i said, "hermione, my heinie!" They sent me a script for a horror movie, And i said, "i don't work with whores.
" I heard they sent you a sci-Fi script.
Then i said, "beam me up a new agent!" Ha-Ha-Ha! So what are you actually doing? Do you really want to know? Yes.
-Promise? Yes.
-You do? You do? -Yes.
Yes? Yes! -Yes! Are you ready for this? Yes.
I am the star of an infomercial.
People always ask me, "Peanut, where do you get so much energy?" And i'm, like, "how the hell did you get in my house?" And then i tell them, "some of my energy is natural, "But the rest From a can of the most intense energy drink ever.
" I know because i invented it.
It's called, "neow"! Neow! Neow.
(Spluttering) wow! Neow punches those other lame energy drinks in the face.
22, 23, 24.
Neow's just caffeine, sugar and (Spluttering) Yeah! Right! Right! And now it contains A superawesome, healthy Natural ingredient milked From actual komodo dragons.
I know 'cause i milk them myself.
You can't milk a komodo dragon! Huh! Then what Was i pulling on? (Gasps) No wonder he won't stop following me around.
(Gasping) (Screaming) (Screaming) Neow! Yeah! (Cheering and applause) Peanut, any side effects to that drink? Well (spluttering) (Screaming, oinking) No.
Actually, the only problem is That komodo dragon won't stop calling me.
You guys have been great.
We'll see you next time.
Captioned by media access group at wgbh access.
Wgbh.
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