The Job s01e03 Episode Script
Bathroom
Oh, boy.
Hey.
Hey.
Get the papers? Found the sport section.
No, no, no, I need sports, metro, the arts, everything.
My girlfriend took me to this new Mexican joint last night.
Your wife called.
Yeah, what did she say? I'm not your secretary.
Why are you answering my phone? She called my phone, numb nuts, because she knows I'm the only one around here who knows how to take a message.
Bingo.
All right, two things: she said don't forget about picking up Iggy and butch.
Oh, dammit.
Everybody is looking for them, and you did forget, didn't you? Because she told me not to forget, that's why.
She willed it.
Who's Iggy and butch? Oh, I can't talk about them without breaking a blood vessel.
And she said don't forget about 4:15.
Yeah, yeah.
What's 4:15? Marriage counselor.
Ooh, how'd she talk you into that one? With a nine iron.
[Laughing.]
You okay? Yeah, just waiting to see if I can walk without-- wait, wait, I think I can.
[ Music .]
Hey, how are you guys doing? Pretty good.
We just got a call.
Hey, I need a favor, okay? I'd do it myself but I've got to go downstairs and question a suspect.
Here you go.
There's the information.
What is it? Just go to jersey.
When you get there, tell the guy that I sent you to pick up Iggy and butch, okay? Iggy and butch.
Who are they? You don't want to know.
Believe me.
You got cash? 'Cause you're gonna need that.
Is that something to do with investigate-- yeah, yeah, oh definitely, yup.
[ Music .]
Where is he? Where is he? What's he talking about? You got me.
There was a guy at my desk.
I walked away for two seconds, where is he? Who? That Spanish kid, a little guy, I brought him in for dealing.
You lost a perp? Dammit! Where's the lieutenant? Out.
Thank god.
What's he wearing? A jacket, windbreaker, light green.
Larry, I might have a prisoner trying to leave the building, Hispanic, wearing a light green windbreaker.
Height? He's little, nipple high.
About five feet, yeah, uh, can you put someone at the back? Thank you.
Yeah, this is detective Harrigan from the two-one, we have a situation here.
You have to close down all the subways on the east side.
What's going on? Frank lost a perp.
I don't know how long.
We're checking the stations now.
I'll call you back.
You better find him frank.
You lose a perp you get docked a week's pay.
Oh, thanks for the reminder, ass bite.
Nobody's seen him.
How did you let him get away? I walked away for two seconds.
Hey, who took my "times"? Where'd you go? I went to get a toothpick.
You couldn't use a little piece of paper? There are chemicals in paper.
Can we discuss this at another time, gentlemen? Okay, Jan, you go north, tommy east.
I'll check the subways.
I'm going west.
I don't even know what the hell I'm looking for.
[ Music .]
Get him, get him, get him.
I guess the morning's shot.
Get out of the way! Get out of the way! Oh, ah, oh.
[Yelling.]
[ Music .]
Modern day America [ Music .]
Whoa.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay now.
You're in enough trouble as it is.
You don't want to be taking my gun, so why don't you just very slowly now, just hand that back to me.
Oh, okay.
You got two guns, okay.
Okay.
You came prepared.
I admire that.
Okay.
Uh, uh, uh habla ingles? No, no.
No.
All right, here's the thing.
I have to go to the bathroom very badly.
Okay? I've got to go.
I've got to go.
I gotta go to the, to the toilet.
El, uh, el, uh, poo poo, comprende? Poo poo? No.
No, no.
No.
Okay.
Okay.
Thank you, god, thank you very much.
Okay.
[ Music .]
[Coughing.]
Come on, I need this vehicle.
Hey, hey, what are you doing? Mayor's girlfriend is being held hostage on the subway.
I need this vehicle.
[Groaning.]
[Horn honking.]
Sorry.
[Horn honking.]
[Sirens.]
Hey, pal.
Come here.
Give me a hand, will ya? I'm stuck.
I'm Harrigan, two-one, I'm stuck.
The mayor's being held hostage down here.
Trust me, he's okay, just give me a little tug.
Uh.
Uh.
Man, you're really stuck.
And you're only a patrolman? You're a genius.
Get me out of here! Not the jacket.
Any luck? You kidding? The guy's probably long gone by now.
Ah.
What happened to you? Nothing.
Anybody find him? No.
No.
What are we going to do? Hey, what the hell is going on here? Uh, what do you mean? Sixth avenue is clogged up.
Park avenue is bumper to bumper, and some guy just tells me that the subways are stopped because the mayor got shot on the train? You hear anything about this? No, not a thing.
Well, get on the phone and check it out.
All right.
You gotta tell him, Frankie.
No, somebody'll find him.
Frank.
Is this him? Sh, sh, let me look at him.
Yes.
Sit him down in the chair.
Don't look at me.
Damn, it ain't him.
[ Sighing .]
Well, I had to see him sitting in the chair.
Uh, thanks for coming in.
Sorry, kid.
I'm going to sue.
Yeah, take a number.
Where's mike, he'll know what to do.
Okay.
Now here's what's going to happen, I'm going to go over here, see? And I'm just going to go in here, do what I have to do, and it's going to be okay because you have my gun and there's no windows or anything, see? So I can't go anywhere, okay? So everybody will be happy.
No.
No.
Okay, trust me.
You're going to want as much of a barrier between me and you as is possible within the next couple of minutes.
No.
Yes.
Yes, seriously.
Remember the fart? Yeah, see? See? Because see, I can go in my pants, el pantalones? Yeah, but then the stink, smell, it stays here in the room with us.
Okay, we don't want that.
Or I can use the toilet, we can use the toilet and we flush, flush? And the, the smell, the el stinkatowski goes bye-bye.
Yeah, okay? We're all going to be happy now.
Okay.
Hey, mike.
No.
Oh, gee.
Yeah.
Hey, what are you doing in there? I'm being held hostage.
Huh, yeah, right.
No, I'm serious, man.
This guy in here has got two guns and one of them is pointed at my face.
Is he wearing a green windbreaker? No, he's wearing a yellow windbreaker.
Frank lost a perp wearing a green windbreaker.
Frank lost a perp wearing a yellow windbreaker who doesn't speak English and has my own gun pointed at my face right now.
Okay, okay.
Listen.
We'll get you out of here.
Now, I'm going to go tell everybody what's going on.
Okay, you know what, pip, do me a favor.
Send frank down.
I'd like to talk to him, please.
Just hang in there.
[ Music .]
I love this.
McNEIL'S being held hostage in a toilet? This is like Christmas for me.
Shut up.
Please stop it.
Maggot.
Sloth.
So, how do we get him out? I don't know.
The guy's got two guns.
How did he get two guns in the building? Well, one of 'em's mike's.
That son of a bitch.
Oh, you are just batting a thousand today.
That's what you get for leaving a gun laying around.
Why don't you just wear it, like the rest of us? It makes my jacket hang not right.
It's too bulky.
It is a little late in the day for you to be worried about bulk, frank.
Oh, I can't wait to see the headlines in tomorrow's "new York post.
" Copper crapper caper.
[Laughter.]
I've got to write that down.
We have to tell the lieutenant.
No, no, no, no.
I have a week's pay riding on this.
Before we do anything, let's find out exactly what we're dealing with here.
So he's got your gun? Possibly.
Uh-huh.
And if it is your gun, would it be loaded? Possibly.
Yeah, okay.
Well, here's why I asked frank, see, because my gun's not loaded, okay? So if I knew your gun wasn't loaded I could maybe rush the guy.
I'm 75 percent sure that it isn't loaded.
Okay and that leaves me what, 25 percent dead frank? Yeah, by the way, didn't you say the windbreaker was green? Yeah, green.
Yeah, it's yellow, jackass, okay? It's not even close to green.
Open your eyes.
What are you talking about? Yellow's close to green.
You mix yellow with another color, you get green.
I think it's red.
Red and yellow make orange, moron.
They do? Yeah, orange.
Well, it was a toss up between green and teal.
Teal? Yeah.
I thought teal was a little too faggy to put out as a color description on a perp, so I went with the green.
Oh.
Mike? Yeah? Frank, we've got to tell lieutenant Williams.
Mike, we'll be right back.
Hold on, man.
Hurry up, guys, I'm starting to cramp up.
So the mayor is all right.
Yes, sir.
But we have a hostage situation inside the building proper.
You are so screwed, Harrigan.
Sir, how would you like a nice coffee latte? You know, I think I'd like that.
Why don't you pick it up in Staten island, because that's where you're going to be working as of tomorrow.
Sir, please-- but--shut up.
We have to proceed with extreme caution.
If this were to get out of hand, it would be a black mark, not only against the precinct, but against the entire police department of the city of new York.
This is a very, very serious situation.
I got another one.
"Cop held craptive.
"Hostage drama flush with danger.
" [Laughter.]
Thanks.
[ Music .]
Okay, here we go.
Goin' in.
Open the door.
Closing the door.
Locking the door.
Okay.
Oh.
Yeah.
Okay.
Ah.
You all set out there? Uh-- oh, boy.
[Chuckling.]
I don't have to go anymore.
Heh, that's great.
That's just perfect.
[ Music .]
What's it going to look like if we have to call an emergency services unit to our own building? I have a reputation to protect, not just my own, but the entire department's.
Lieutenant, my partner is in danger.
I don't give a rat's ass about anybody's reputation.
We have to find somebody who can talk to this guy.
All right, I agree.
But let's try to handle this using our own people first.
Now, we need somebody who could speak Spanish.
What about the two young guys, rice and beans? Where are they? Not here.
Well, find them.
Now if these guys, Iggy and butch, these guys give us any kind of trouble just let me do the talking, okay? I don't think this is right.
Can I help you? We're here to pick up Iggy and butch.
Who sent you? Detective McNEIL, Nypd.
He said there'd be some gravy? Look, we've got to find them.
No, lieutenant, we don't have time.
We don't need Ruben and Al.
I took four years of Spanish in high school.
I'm going down there.
We do not need Ruben and Al.
[ Music .]
[Speaking Spanish.]
We've got to find Ruben and Al.
[ Music .]
They're very rare.
They're the last two in the tri-state area.
[Phone ringing.]
May I? Yeah.
Hi.
Hey.
Look, I know you're going to be annoyed, but I'm calling to remind you about the meeting at 4:15.
Oh, you know what? I'm not going to be able to make that.
Hello? Why not? Because I'm being held hostage in the bathroom at work.
[Laughter.]
Mike, I know you don't want to go, but that's ridiculous.
I'm being held hostage in the bathroom at work, okay? Frank brought this guy in and then the guy got away from him, and a long story short, I've been down here two hours now.
Are you serious? Am I serious? Yeah, I'm serious.
[Beeping.]
Hang on, I've got another call.
Yeah.
Hi.
Hi, what's the matter? God, I'm having a bad day.
Well, I actually think I have you beat on that one, but you go first.
I Miss You.
That's it.
Don't be a jerk.
You're having a bad day because you're missing me.
Yes.
Okay, well, then I am definitely winning the bad day derby today, okay? Do me a favor.
Go home to your wife tonight.
No, no, listen, listen-- oh.
I'm back.
Mike, what's going on? Are you really being held hostage? You don't believe me? Come down and take a look for yourself, okay? I'm coming down right now.
Don't, never mind that, sorry I said that.
Don't come down.
I can handle this, okay? The guy weighs about 10 pounds, and unfortunately half of that is guns but I think I can handle it.
I'm coming down.
Do not come down here, okay? Sure? What? Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure.
Don't come down here.
Did you pick up Iggy and butch? Bye bye.
Unbelievable.
Are you married? Do you have one of these? Si.
Good.
I'm glad.
Try the car again.
Frank, did you get through on Ruben's cell? Voicemail.
What the hell? Hey, we're in the middle of a hostage crisis and you two are out buying toys? Get your asses downstairs now.
Now! [ Music .]
[Speaking Spanish.]
He says he came from the Dominican republic.
He has a wife and two daughters.
He's just trying to make a better life for them.
[Speaking Spanish.]
Today was his first day on the street when the police came.
And his friend ran and left him.
Ah, nice friend.
Would you explain to him there is no way out and he should just give me the guns.
[Speaking Spanish.]
No.
Look, pal, okay, you screwed up, okay? You're not going to talk your way out of this.
Give me the guns.
[Phone ringing.]
Hang on, geez.
Ah, yeah.
It's me.
You know, I'm not just some little toy.
You can't just keep treating me like I'm just some little kid or something.
Listen, I can't talk to you right now, okay? When can you talk to me? You know what? I've got a dump the size of Costa Rica stuck somewhere in my small intestine right now, okay? My wife wants me to spend $400 an hour to explain to some egghead why we can't communicate, and my girlfriend is 26, which, in the beginning, was supposed to be a good thing.
So I don't care anymore.
You know what? Go ahead and shoot me.
Go ahead, shoot me.
Go ahead.
He just panicked.
He just panicked, that's all.
I'm fine, I'm fine.
You okay? Yeah, I'm okay, I'm okay.
All right, get him out of here.
Mike, I'm so sorry.
If anything ever happened to you-- nothing happened, right? But you did get a good look at that windbreaker? That's a little color we like to call yellow, my friend, okay? Yeah, but it looked kind of-- ah, ah, ah, if you even think of the word "teal" right now, I will tear the hairs out of your scrotum one by one, okay? Yeah.
Make sure you get all the weapons.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Wait a minute.
You guys are going to have give me like five minutes in here.
What? Actually, make it ten, I need ten minutes.
Okay? McNEIL, this is police business.
So is this, chief.
Give me a hand with the door, guys.
Here we go.
McNEIL-- oh, my god.
[ Music .]
Sit down right there.
Okay.
Write me a good confession and make it legible.
You want something to drink? Water.
Good, that's all we got.
Mikey, watch him for two seconds, will you, pal? Sure.
Come on, kid.
Come on.
What are you doing? Come over here, sit on that couch, don't move, don't talk to anybody.
Okay? Hey, where's Iggy and butch? I put them on your desk.
When? Before.
Hey, where is he? Who? The kid.
I told you to watch him.
When? Just now, two minutes ago.
Oh, I wasn't really paying attention.
Oh, not again, frank.
Oh.
Oh my god.
Here goes another week's pay.
You stupid son of a bitch.
I asked you to watch him for two seconds.
Hey, it's not my responsibility.
Larry, yeah, it's Harrigan.
Close up the building.
Close it up quick.
[Laughter.]
Gotcha.
It's not funny.
You can give me a heart attack.
You better call him back.
Hey, there's a kid on the fire escape with a couple of beanie babies.
What the hell's going on? [ Music .]
Captioning performed by the transcription company Burbank, ca Www.
Transcripts.
Net
Hey.
Hey.
Get the papers? Found the sport section.
No, no, no, I need sports, metro, the arts, everything.
My girlfriend took me to this new Mexican joint last night.
Your wife called.
Yeah, what did she say? I'm not your secretary.
Why are you answering my phone? She called my phone, numb nuts, because she knows I'm the only one around here who knows how to take a message.
Bingo.
All right, two things: she said don't forget about picking up Iggy and butch.
Oh, dammit.
Everybody is looking for them, and you did forget, didn't you? Because she told me not to forget, that's why.
She willed it.
Who's Iggy and butch? Oh, I can't talk about them without breaking a blood vessel.
And she said don't forget about 4:15.
Yeah, yeah.
What's 4:15? Marriage counselor.
Ooh, how'd she talk you into that one? With a nine iron.
[Laughing.]
You okay? Yeah, just waiting to see if I can walk without-- wait, wait, I think I can.
[ Music .]
Hey, how are you guys doing? Pretty good.
We just got a call.
Hey, I need a favor, okay? I'd do it myself but I've got to go downstairs and question a suspect.
Here you go.
There's the information.
What is it? Just go to jersey.
When you get there, tell the guy that I sent you to pick up Iggy and butch, okay? Iggy and butch.
Who are they? You don't want to know.
Believe me.
You got cash? 'Cause you're gonna need that.
Is that something to do with investigate-- yeah, yeah, oh definitely, yup.
[ Music .]
Where is he? Where is he? What's he talking about? You got me.
There was a guy at my desk.
I walked away for two seconds, where is he? Who? That Spanish kid, a little guy, I brought him in for dealing.
You lost a perp? Dammit! Where's the lieutenant? Out.
Thank god.
What's he wearing? A jacket, windbreaker, light green.
Larry, I might have a prisoner trying to leave the building, Hispanic, wearing a light green windbreaker.
Height? He's little, nipple high.
About five feet, yeah, uh, can you put someone at the back? Thank you.
Yeah, this is detective Harrigan from the two-one, we have a situation here.
You have to close down all the subways on the east side.
What's going on? Frank lost a perp.
I don't know how long.
We're checking the stations now.
I'll call you back.
You better find him frank.
You lose a perp you get docked a week's pay.
Oh, thanks for the reminder, ass bite.
Nobody's seen him.
How did you let him get away? I walked away for two seconds.
Hey, who took my "times"? Where'd you go? I went to get a toothpick.
You couldn't use a little piece of paper? There are chemicals in paper.
Can we discuss this at another time, gentlemen? Okay, Jan, you go north, tommy east.
I'll check the subways.
I'm going west.
I don't even know what the hell I'm looking for.
[ Music .]
Get him, get him, get him.
I guess the morning's shot.
Get out of the way! Get out of the way! Oh, ah, oh.
[Yelling.]
[ Music .]
Modern day America [ Music .]
Whoa.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay now.
You're in enough trouble as it is.
You don't want to be taking my gun, so why don't you just very slowly now, just hand that back to me.
Oh, okay.
You got two guns, okay.
Okay.
You came prepared.
I admire that.
Okay.
Uh, uh, uh habla ingles? No, no.
No.
All right, here's the thing.
I have to go to the bathroom very badly.
Okay? I've got to go.
I've got to go.
I gotta go to the, to the toilet.
El, uh, el, uh, poo poo, comprende? Poo poo? No.
No, no.
No.
Okay.
Okay.
Thank you, god, thank you very much.
Okay.
[ Music .]
[Coughing.]
Come on, I need this vehicle.
Hey, hey, what are you doing? Mayor's girlfriend is being held hostage on the subway.
I need this vehicle.
[Groaning.]
[Horn honking.]
Sorry.
[Horn honking.]
[Sirens.]
Hey, pal.
Come here.
Give me a hand, will ya? I'm stuck.
I'm Harrigan, two-one, I'm stuck.
The mayor's being held hostage down here.
Trust me, he's okay, just give me a little tug.
Uh.
Uh.
Man, you're really stuck.
And you're only a patrolman? You're a genius.
Get me out of here! Not the jacket.
Any luck? You kidding? The guy's probably long gone by now.
Ah.
What happened to you? Nothing.
Anybody find him? No.
No.
What are we going to do? Hey, what the hell is going on here? Uh, what do you mean? Sixth avenue is clogged up.
Park avenue is bumper to bumper, and some guy just tells me that the subways are stopped because the mayor got shot on the train? You hear anything about this? No, not a thing.
Well, get on the phone and check it out.
All right.
You gotta tell him, Frankie.
No, somebody'll find him.
Frank.
Is this him? Sh, sh, let me look at him.
Yes.
Sit him down in the chair.
Don't look at me.
Damn, it ain't him.
[ Sighing .]
Well, I had to see him sitting in the chair.
Uh, thanks for coming in.
Sorry, kid.
I'm going to sue.
Yeah, take a number.
Where's mike, he'll know what to do.
Okay.
Now here's what's going to happen, I'm going to go over here, see? And I'm just going to go in here, do what I have to do, and it's going to be okay because you have my gun and there's no windows or anything, see? So I can't go anywhere, okay? So everybody will be happy.
No.
No.
Okay, trust me.
You're going to want as much of a barrier between me and you as is possible within the next couple of minutes.
No.
Yes.
Yes, seriously.
Remember the fart? Yeah, see? See? Because see, I can go in my pants, el pantalones? Yeah, but then the stink, smell, it stays here in the room with us.
Okay, we don't want that.
Or I can use the toilet, we can use the toilet and we flush, flush? And the, the smell, the el stinkatowski goes bye-bye.
Yeah, okay? We're all going to be happy now.
Okay.
Hey, mike.
No.
Oh, gee.
Yeah.
Hey, what are you doing in there? I'm being held hostage.
Huh, yeah, right.
No, I'm serious, man.
This guy in here has got two guns and one of them is pointed at my face.
Is he wearing a green windbreaker? No, he's wearing a yellow windbreaker.
Frank lost a perp wearing a green windbreaker.
Frank lost a perp wearing a yellow windbreaker who doesn't speak English and has my own gun pointed at my face right now.
Okay, okay.
Listen.
We'll get you out of here.
Now, I'm going to go tell everybody what's going on.
Okay, you know what, pip, do me a favor.
Send frank down.
I'd like to talk to him, please.
Just hang in there.
[ Music .]
I love this.
McNEIL'S being held hostage in a toilet? This is like Christmas for me.
Shut up.
Please stop it.
Maggot.
Sloth.
So, how do we get him out? I don't know.
The guy's got two guns.
How did he get two guns in the building? Well, one of 'em's mike's.
That son of a bitch.
Oh, you are just batting a thousand today.
That's what you get for leaving a gun laying around.
Why don't you just wear it, like the rest of us? It makes my jacket hang not right.
It's too bulky.
It is a little late in the day for you to be worried about bulk, frank.
Oh, I can't wait to see the headlines in tomorrow's "new York post.
" Copper crapper caper.
[Laughter.]
I've got to write that down.
We have to tell the lieutenant.
No, no, no, no.
I have a week's pay riding on this.
Before we do anything, let's find out exactly what we're dealing with here.
So he's got your gun? Possibly.
Uh-huh.
And if it is your gun, would it be loaded? Possibly.
Yeah, okay.
Well, here's why I asked frank, see, because my gun's not loaded, okay? So if I knew your gun wasn't loaded I could maybe rush the guy.
I'm 75 percent sure that it isn't loaded.
Okay and that leaves me what, 25 percent dead frank? Yeah, by the way, didn't you say the windbreaker was green? Yeah, green.
Yeah, it's yellow, jackass, okay? It's not even close to green.
Open your eyes.
What are you talking about? Yellow's close to green.
You mix yellow with another color, you get green.
I think it's red.
Red and yellow make orange, moron.
They do? Yeah, orange.
Well, it was a toss up between green and teal.
Teal? Yeah.
I thought teal was a little too faggy to put out as a color description on a perp, so I went with the green.
Oh.
Mike? Yeah? Frank, we've got to tell lieutenant Williams.
Mike, we'll be right back.
Hold on, man.
Hurry up, guys, I'm starting to cramp up.
So the mayor is all right.
Yes, sir.
But we have a hostage situation inside the building proper.
You are so screwed, Harrigan.
Sir, how would you like a nice coffee latte? You know, I think I'd like that.
Why don't you pick it up in Staten island, because that's where you're going to be working as of tomorrow.
Sir, please-- but--shut up.
We have to proceed with extreme caution.
If this were to get out of hand, it would be a black mark, not only against the precinct, but against the entire police department of the city of new York.
This is a very, very serious situation.
I got another one.
"Cop held craptive.
"Hostage drama flush with danger.
" [Laughter.]
Thanks.
[ Music .]
Okay, here we go.
Goin' in.
Open the door.
Closing the door.
Locking the door.
Okay.
Oh.
Yeah.
Okay.
Ah.
You all set out there? Uh-- oh, boy.
[Chuckling.]
I don't have to go anymore.
Heh, that's great.
That's just perfect.
[ Music .]
What's it going to look like if we have to call an emergency services unit to our own building? I have a reputation to protect, not just my own, but the entire department's.
Lieutenant, my partner is in danger.
I don't give a rat's ass about anybody's reputation.
We have to find somebody who can talk to this guy.
All right, I agree.
But let's try to handle this using our own people first.
Now, we need somebody who could speak Spanish.
What about the two young guys, rice and beans? Where are they? Not here.
Well, find them.
Now if these guys, Iggy and butch, these guys give us any kind of trouble just let me do the talking, okay? I don't think this is right.
Can I help you? We're here to pick up Iggy and butch.
Who sent you? Detective McNEIL, Nypd.
He said there'd be some gravy? Look, we've got to find them.
No, lieutenant, we don't have time.
We don't need Ruben and Al.
I took four years of Spanish in high school.
I'm going down there.
We do not need Ruben and Al.
[ Music .]
[Speaking Spanish.]
We've got to find Ruben and Al.
[ Music .]
They're very rare.
They're the last two in the tri-state area.
[Phone ringing.]
May I? Yeah.
Hi.
Hey.
Look, I know you're going to be annoyed, but I'm calling to remind you about the meeting at 4:15.
Oh, you know what? I'm not going to be able to make that.
Hello? Why not? Because I'm being held hostage in the bathroom at work.
[Laughter.]
Mike, I know you don't want to go, but that's ridiculous.
I'm being held hostage in the bathroom at work, okay? Frank brought this guy in and then the guy got away from him, and a long story short, I've been down here two hours now.
Are you serious? Am I serious? Yeah, I'm serious.
[Beeping.]
Hang on, I've got another call.
Yeah.
Hi.
Hi, what's the matter? God, I'm having a bad day.
Well, I actually think I have you beat on that one, but you go first.
I Miss You.
That's it.
Don't be a jerk.
You're having a bad day because you're missing me.
Yes.
Okay, well, then I am definitely winning the bad day derby today, okay? Do me a favor.
Go home to your wife tonight.
No, no, listen, listen-- oh.
I'm back.
Mike, what's going on? Are you really being held hostage? You don't believe me? Come down and take a look for yourself, okay? I'm coming down right now.
Don't, never mind that, sorry I said that.
Don't come down.
I can handle this, okay? The guy weighs about 10 pounds, and unfortunately half of that is guns but I think I can handle it.
I'm coming down.
Do not come down here, okay? Sure? What? Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure.
Don't come down here.
Did you pick up Iggy and butch? Bye bye.
Unbelievable.
Are you married? Do you have one of these? Si.
Good.
I'm glad.
Try the car again.
Frank, did you get through on Ruben's cell? Voicemail.
What the hell? Hey, we're in the middle of a hostage crisis and you two are out buying toys? Get your asses downstairs now.
Now! [ Music .]
[Speaking Spanish.]
He says he came from the Dominican republic.
He has a wife and two daughters.
He's just trying to make a better life for them.
[Speaking Spanish.]
Today was his first day on the street when the police came.
And his friend ran and left him.
Ah, nice friend.
Would you explain to him there is no way out and he should just give me the guns.
[Speaking Spanish.]
No.
Look, pal, okay, you screwed up, okay? You're not going to talk your way out of this.
Give me the guns.
[Phone ringing.]
Hang on, geez.
Ah, yeah.
It's me.
You know, I'm not just some little toy.
You can't just keep treating me like I'm just some little kid or something.
Listen, I can't talk to you right now, okay? When can you talk to me? You know what? I've got a dump the size of Costa Rica stuck somewhere in my small intestine right now, okay? My wife wants me to spend $400 an hour to explain to some egghead why we can't communicate, and my girlfriend is 26, which, in the beginning, was supposed to be a good thing.
So I don't care anymore.
You know what? Go ahead and shoot me.
Go ahead, shoot me.
Go ahead.
He just panicked.
He just panicked, that's all.
I'm fine, I'm fine.
You okay? Yeah, I'm okay, I'm okay.
All right, get him out of here.
Mike, I'm so sorry.
If anything ever happened to you-- nothing happened, right? But you did get a good look at that windbreaker? That's a little color we like to call yellow, my friend, okay? Yeah, but it looked kind of-- ah, ah, ah, if you even think of the word "teal" right now, I will tear the hairs out of your scrotum one by one, okay? Yeah.
Make sure you get all the weapons.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Wait a minute.
You guys are going to have give me like five minutes in here.
What? Actually, make it ten, I need ten minutes.
Okay? McNEIL, this is police business.
So is this, chief.
Give me a hand with the door, guys.
Here we go.
McNEIL-- oh, my god.
[ Music .]
Sit down right there.
Okay.
Write me a good confession and make it legible.
You want something to drink? Water.
Good, that's all we got.
Mikey, watch him for two seconds, will you, pal? Sure.
Come on, kid.
Come on.
What are you doing? Come over here, sit on that couch, don't move, don't talk to anybody.
Okay? Hey, where's Iggy and butch? I put them on your desk.
When? Before.
Hey, where is he? Who? The kid.
I told you to watch him.
When? Just now, two minutes ago.
Oh, I wasn't really paying attention.
Oh, not again, frank.
Oh.
Oh my god.
Here goes another week's pay.
You stupid son of a bitch.
I asked you to watch him for two seconds.
Hey, it's not my responsibility.
Larry, yeah, it's Harrigan.
Close up the building.
Close it up quick.
[Laughter.]
Gotcha.
It's not funny.
You can give me a heart attack.
You better call him back.
Hey, there's a kid on the fire escape with a couple of beanie babies.
What the hell's going on? [ Music .]
Captioning performed by the transcription company Burbank, ca Www.
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