The Job Lot (2013) s03e04 Episode Script
Series 3, Episode 4
1 Hi, Karl.
Only me.
Karl? Oh, my God! Can you hear me? Karl? Wake up! Sorry, this is weird.
Mm? No, no, it was good.
This is your sexual fantasy? You look dead.
I'm concussed.
When mouth-to-mouth doesn't work you revive me in the only way you can think of.
By sitting on your face? Mm-hm.
You know a doctor wouldn't do that.
But you're not a doctor, you're a member of the public.
But a member of the public wouldn't do it either.
Look, I find amateur first aid sexy.
This is rediculous.
Look, Natalie, you offered.
If you don't want to do it No, no.
Sorry, sorry.
So, you wake up and? And then, to thank you for saving my life, I have sex with you.
Uh! OK.
Can we just change it so that I'm not straddling a corpse? OK, I'll think of something else.
Give me a minute.
Uharh! Help, help, come quick.
Oh, thank God.
I slipped and I somehow managed to trap my wang in a drawer.
Quick, get the margarine.
# One day you're gonna make it work # No pay, you're gonna make it work # Some day we're gonna make this work Work I'm doing a fire drill.
Angela, we haven't got time to do a fire drill.
We're v busy.
Have you got time to burn to death? Why don't we do a mock fire drill? That's what a fire drill is.
No, but a mock of the mock.
What, like a mock mock? Yeah, a mock mock.
We'll run through it in here, then no-one needs to go outside.
I love that, Natalie.
OK, everyone, quick staff huddle, please.
We're going to do a run-through of what to do in a fire drill.
Ugh! But it's drizzling.
We're not going outside we're just going to pretend.
Let's set the scene with a bit of improv.
Paul and Janette, imagine you're near the doors.
Everyone else, you're at your desks.
Oh, technically, Trish, I don't use a desk.
Mm.
We could imagine Ash is talking to me.
That could work.
I do stand at Karl's desk and talk to him.
Perfect.
So you're all working away, it's just a normal afternoon.
What time? If it's between three and four there's a good chance I'll be on the toilet.
OK, it's 11 in the morning.
That's when Janette goes.
No-one's on the toilet, everyone's at their stations.
Apart from - Apart from Ash who is talking to Karl.
OK? And then suddenly the fire alarm goes off.
Natalie.
Sorry, Trish, actually loud noises give me nose bleeds.
Fine.
Make the noise of a fire alarm quietly so Ash doesn't haemorrhage.
Woo-poo Paul and Janette, you get the jobseekers out of the front and we all go out the back to the fire assembly point.
Where's that? lt's in the car park.
Yeah, but for argument's sake let's say it's this hole punch.
Everyone, evacuate to the hole punch, please.
Woo-poo - Stop, you're giving me tinnitus.
Now we're outside, Angela blows her whistle to get your attention.
Don't bother, we know what a whistle sounds like.
She does a roll call to check everyone's here.
Don't bother Angela, we know everyone's here.
This is a farce.
Everyone still alive? Good.
Great work, team Brownall.
OK, Natalie, I wonder if we could Yeah.
For frig's sake.
Angela! Come on, through the kitchen and into the car park.
Let's get this over and done with.
Karl, the centre's going to be empty for ten minutes, maybe we could - Catch up on some photocopying? I'm joking.
You want to have sex at work? Yeah.
lt's the last one on my list.
Come on! what? Mike and the Mechanics! The bloody sink's on fire.
Put it out, the whole place'll go up.
Stand back, everybody, I've got this.
Wait.
Is that the right kind of extinguisher? Depends what's burning? lt's Trish's scarf.
How did that happen? This has got water in it, can I use that? No.
You can't put water on a burning pashmina.
It'll take your face off.
Calm down, Janette, you're thinking of a chip pan.
That's never happened to me before.
Ah, what, so your fantasy is to have sex in Trish's office? ' The boss's office.
Mm.
Come on, we've done your fantasy.
No, we haven't.
OK, we tried but we couldn't because it was about as sexy as going to the dentist.
Alright, well, So what happens in your sexual fantasy then? Well, you're the boss Mm.
.
.
and I've been late three times .
.
and I need to be reprimanded.
What do you want, a verbal warning? No.
Mm? I want you to spank me on the bottom with a shatterproof ruler.
Nah, I'm not feeling it.
Are you serious? Yeah, I'm not up for it.
lt's just ridiculous.
Don't be childish.
I just think sex in the manager's office isweird.
This from the man who probably knocks one out over Holby City.
I told you.
I like AMATEUR first aid.
Oh, l'm sorry, St John's Ambulance.
Either way it's not normal.
What, and this is? Getting jiggy with it on Trish's Filofax? It's more normal than having sex with someone in a coma.
I do that every night anyway.
Yeah? Well, you won't be doing it tonight.
Yeah? Well, good.
Good.
Good.
Well, that was abuse.
I need some kind of fire blanket.
Smother it with this.
Bloody hell, Trish, that's not fire retarded.
She means retardant.
You're meant to dampen it first.
With what? I can't get to the taps, can I? There's a fire in the way.
' I don't know.
Milk? Milk? Not milk, milk burns.
All right yoghurt then.
You're thinking of thrush.
We need to evacuate.
No.
If my centre's going down, I'm going down with her.
I'm calling the fire brigade.
Oh! Ugh! What's going on? There's a shitting fire in the sink! Well, But it out then.
No! No! What have you done? We were dealing with an emergency situation and your anorak was deployed in a crucial role to tackle the blaze.
That was my new coat.
Angela, what are you doing in a cupboard? Proving you don't know what you're doing By hiding in a cupboard? I'm a confused member of the public.
Didn't you hear the alarm? I'm deaf and confused.
And now I'm dead.
You are disrespecting my authority as fire warden.
How did the fire start, Angela? The fire was a result of poor training.
No, literally, how did Trish's scarf set fire to itself in the staff room? Polyester.
Highly flammable.
lt's actually 20% silk.
lt's Jaeger.
Doesn't matter.
So Trish's scarf just floated off the coat stand and spontaneously combusted in the sink? Are you accusing me of arson? No.
Yes.
That's slander.
OK, Angela, what do you want? Proper fire drills.
Fine, fine, we'll do proper drills.
And a deputy fire warden who answers only to me.
You can have Janette.
And a £1,000 budget for new fire safety equipment.
Come on, Angela, you're being ridiculous.
If you don't take our safety seriously I will call a strike.
Whoa there, horsey.
There's no need to be hasty.
No-one wants a strike.
Then give me £1,000 for new fire safety equipment.
I think you'll find Trish and I are pretty tough cookies.
We're not just gonna roll over the moment someone threatens a strike.
Karl is modelling this season's most advanced in fire safety equipment.
Can I take this off? Sorry, I can't understand you.
Can I take this off now? No.
But I can't breathe.
Good.
Sorry, I can't wear that mask.
I get claustrophobic.
I once had a panic attack in a pair of swimming goggles.
Now, obviously all this equipment didn't come cheap so we will have to make some cutbacks.
The centre's monthly charitable donation to the local hospice has had to be cancelled.
Can't be helped.
It also means we won't be having a staff Christmas party this year.
What? You can't cancel the - You can't cancel the Christmas party.
That's the best thing about working here.
We'll have our own party in the staff room.
I'll bring in some mince pies.
No way.
We have a full festive buffet and disco.
lt's tradition.
Angela, you're fire warden.
Can you explain why this equipment is more important than a Christmas party ? No.
Christmas is the most magical time of the year.
Oh, for crying out loud.
You see? This is another example of management not taking us seriously.
Karl, as a grown up, I'm sure you can see that health and safety is far more important than a staff Christmas party.
- What do we want? - A Christmas party.
- When do we want it? - December.
What do we want? A Christmas party.
When do we want it? December.
Tell you what, Natalie, why don't you let me do the negotiating from now on? What do we want? A Christmas party.
When do we want it? December.
Karl, stop being a tit.
You're doing this because I said your sexual fantasy was ridiculous - which it is.
No, not true.
I'm doing this because having a staff Christmas party is a fundamental human right.
I'm pretty sure it's not.
I'm doing' it because I want to wear a novelty - jumper and a little paper hat.
I want to pull crackers and share shit jokes with my co-workers.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,yeah, yeah.
I'm doing this because I don't want fire blankets, no.
Yeah! Yeah, yeah.
I'm doing this because if management won't let us have our turkey and stuffing, then stuff them.
Yeah! Stuff 'em.
Yeah, that's right, Karl.
I am angry! And I do not eat meat or celebrate Christmas.
A Christmas party! When do we want it? December! What do we want? A Christmas party.
Unfortunately, due to industrial action, we are experiencing some delays so please bear with us, OK? Why is Karl being unreasonable? Has something happened between you two? Have you had a lovers' tiff? lt's nothing.
Romantic spat? I don't want to talk about it.
Erotic feud? Trish.
What the merry frig are we going to do then? We'll have to sign everyone on.
Oh, I suppose you're right.
Come on, Trish, back to the coal face.
- What have you done to find work? - Excuse me.
Hold that thought.
So just follow the instructions.
Excuse me - Be right with you.
I'll be right back, OK? Can I just have a second? Just a sec.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Listen, I need to have a chat - Hang on.
No, no! I'm not going to Let you two women keep palming me off.
Oh, sounds rude.
Sorry.
OK, I know a lot of you have been waiting a long time so, new plan, we're going to sign you all on together.
OK? Great.
Now, who remembers how to do the hokey cokey? It is five and twenty past the hour and I have a king's thirst.
Who's for a flagon of ale? Oh, this is fun.
Thank you.
Isn't it just? Getting paid for hanging around doing nothing.
Don't you do that every day? Cheek.
Anyway, we're not getting paid.
What? You don't get paid if you're on strike, Paul.
Bloddy hell.
What are you lot striking about? They cancelled our Christmas party.
Wankers.
I know, it's a disgrace.
He's talking about us, Janette.
Oh.
Has anyone got a spare cagoule? Perhaps we should go in.
What? And let them win? Never.
Do you want her to call you a quitter? lt's about to rain and I'm terrified of storms.
We are not going anywhere.
I don't want to get struck by lightning, not again.
OK, so # Put your left leg in if you've been looking for work in the last two weeks # And shake it all about if you've managed to get an interview Good.
Natalie, I think this might be slightly degrading.
No, it's fun.
Are we still supposed to be shaking? Um Let's give them their ruddy party so they come back to work.
I'll get another credit card or something.
And let them win? Never.
We will not be held to ransom over a tray of sausage rolls and a mobile disco.
We need to show them that these ladies are not for turning.
# And turn around If you're here to talk about Disability Living Allowance No? No-one for that one.
Excuse me.
I'm from the Evening News, can you tell me a bit about this Strike? No, I'm not talking to the press about this.
That's a shame.
I thought you and I could go for a quiet drink and a chat.
On the other hand I do quite like drinking and chatting.
You'd really be helping me out.
And helping people out.
Shall we? See, I told you.
Stand firm and show them who's boss.
OK, here's our offer.
We will send back four fire extinguishers, three fire blankets and a gas mask and you can have a mini disco, a pay bar and a cold buffet.
No chance.
A cold buffet basically means salad and dips.
Hummus makes me gag.
At the very least we want warm sausage rolls.
Preferably hot.
You can have hot sausage rolls but we lose the collapsible escape ladder.
No.
The escape Ladder is crucial should we need to evacuate via a window.
Which side are you on? My own.
We're on the ground floor.
We don't need a ladder to get out.
What about Janette? Oh, good point.
Leave this with me, I'm going to use something called reverse psychology.
I tell you what, forget it.
We don't even want a Christmas party.
Cancel it.
Oh.
Fine, let's do that.
OK.
OK, that backfired.
I'm handing back over to you.
All right, we'll keep the ladder.
I'll get my brother-in-law to do the disco - at cost - but we want a hot buffet and a hundred quid behind the bar.
50 quid behind the bar.
Deal.
Angela, are you happy with that? No.
Well, tough tits.
Back to work, everyone, please.
What about Karl? Where is Karl? I think what you're doing is so brave.
Well, I think, if you believe in something you've got to stand up and fight for your right to have a Christmas party.
So are you the rebel in the office? Oh, yeah, I'm always mucking about, me.
I'm a bit of a maverick.
In fact, that's what they call me - Maverick.
Maverick? Really? Like in Top Gun? Mm-hm.
Yep.
Top Fun more like.
Cor, I am such a card.
I bet you are.
Tell me some of the stuff you get up to.
Er, well, sometimes we come to the pub after work and have, like, three pints of quite strong lager and no tea, just crisps.
OK.
Anything else naughty? Um Yeah.
I had sex in the manager's office.
Really? What, with the manager? Oh, no, no, no, no, the deputy manager.
But it was on the manager's desk.
I, erl spanked her on the bottom with a shatterproof ruler.
That is naughty.
Mm.
Is she your girlfriend? Nah, nothing serious.
You need another drink.
Mm.
Listen, I've got a bottle of vodka at my flat.
Why don't you come back and I'll get you out of those damp clothes? Mmmno.
No, I can't, sorry.
Thank you for the beer and the flirting butI've just realised I've been a complete dickhead.
This is Karl.
I can't - Natalie! Shit.
Oh, my God, Karl! Are you all right? Karl? Wake up.
Are you all right? Karl? Oh, my God.
Wake up.
This is the bit where you sit on my face.
Oh, you twat! Mm.
Correct.
I'm sorry for that stupid strike.
And for denting your Corsa.
It's all right.
Sorry I said your sexual fantasy was weird.
Have you been drinking? Mm-hm.
Correct again.
I've had three pints of quite strong lager and no tea, just crisps.
We should get you checked out at the hospital.
How many times? I like AMATEUR first aid.
OK, come back to mine and I'll put you in a sling or something.
Thank you, kind nurse.
Ooh.
I also think I may have badly bruised my todger.
Don't push it.
I don't think I can.
lt's a Lovely day in Birmingham but traffic is at a standstill on the Aston Expressway.
Angela, why are you still here? We've reached an agreement.
You might have.
You never come to the Christmas party anyway.
Scab.
Here they are, the sex-mad staff of Brownall job Centre.
I just hope you wiped everything down after.
What are you talking about? So you had a drink with a journalist yesterday afternoon, Karl? Huh? What? No.
She secretly filmed the whole thing.
'I had sex in the manager's office.
' 'With the manager?' 'No, no, no, the deputy manager.
But it was on the manager's desk.
I spanked her on the bottom with a shatterproof ruler.
' Karl! Uh? 'Is she your girlfriend? 'Nah, nothing serious.
' 'Nothing serious'? I can explain.
Can you? No.
So not only have the papers run a story about the strike, they've also run a story about how our staff are more likely to be 'on the job, than finding you a job'.
It's all over the Internet.
You're trendy on Twitter.
The comments are brilliant though.
'Filling holes not roles.
' I'd have gone with 'friends with benefits'.
'Blow job centre'.
All right, Janette.
I mean, is it true? Did you have sex on my desk? No, we definitely did not, did we, Karl? No.
Then why did you tell the journalist you did? I was showing off.
Why were you showing off? Yeah, why? Because I thought she was - Thought she was what? Speak up.
Come on.
Because I thought she was fit.
Because you thought she was fit.
Head office have agreed not to sack you but you must both attend a week-long occupational therapy course which deals with sexual addiction - which the centre has to pay for, which means we have to cancel the Christmas party again.
Well done, Karl.
Oh, you have ruined my Christmas.
I think I'll just stand out here with you for a bit.
Excuse me.
Can you help me cross the road, please? Piss off.
What do we want? Health and safety.
When do we want it? Now.
Only me.
Karl? Oh, my God! Can you hear me? Karl? Wake up! Sorry, this is weird.
Mm? No, no, it was good.
This is your sexual fantasy? You look dead.
I'm concussed.
When mouth-to-mouth doesn't work you revive me in the only way you can think of.
By sitting on your face? Mm-hm.
You know a doctor wouldn't do that.
But you're not a doctor, you're a member of the public.
But a member of the public wouldn't do it either.
Look, I find amateur first aid sexy.
This is rediculous.
Look, Natalie, you offered.
If you don't want to do it No, no.
Sorry, sorry.
So, you wake up and? And then, to thank you for saving my life, I have sex with you.
Uh! OK.
Can we just change it so that I'm not straddling a corpse? OK, I'll think of something else.
Give me a minute.
Uharh! Help, help, come quick.
Oh, thank God.
I slipped and I somehow managed to trap my wang in a drawer.
Quick, get the margarine.
# One day you're gonna make it work # No pay, you're gonna make it work # Some day we're gonna make this work Work I'm doing a fire drill.
Angela, we haven't got time to do a fire drill.
We're v busy.
Have you got time to burn to death? Why don't we do a mock fire drill? That's what a fire drill is.
No, but a mock of the mock.
What, like a mock mock? Yeah, a mock mock.
We'll run through it in here, then no-one needs to go outside.
I love that, Natalie.
OK, everyone, quick staff huddle, please.
We're going to do a run-through of what to do in a fire drill.
Ugh! But it's drizzling.
We're not going outside we're just going to pretend.
Let's set the scene with a bit of improv.
Paul and Janette, imagine you're near the doors.
Everyone else, you're at your desks.
Oh, technically, Trish, I don't use a desk.
Mm.
We could imagine Ash is talking to me.
That could work.
I do stand at Karl's desk and talk to him.
Perfect.
So you're all working away, it's just a normal afternoon.
What time? If it's between three and four there's a good chance I'll be on the toilet.
OK, it's 11 in the morning.
That's when Janette goes.
No-one's on the toilet, everyone's at their stations.
Apart from - Apart from Ash who is talking to Karl.
OK? And then suddenly the fire alarm goes off.
Natalie.
Sorry, Trish, actually loud noises give me nose bleeds.
Fine.
Make the noise of a fire alarm quietly so Ash doesn't haemorrhage.
Woo-poo Paul and Janette, you get the jobseekers out of the front and we all go out the back to the fire assembly point.
Where's that? lt's in the car park.
Yeah, but for argument's sake let's say it's this hole punch.
Everyone, evacuate to the hole punch, please.
Woo-poo - Stop, you're giving me tinnitus.
Now we're outside, Angela blows her whistle to get your attention.
Don't bother, we know what a whistle sounds like.
She does a roll call to check everyone's here.
Don't bother Angela, we know everyone's here.
This is a farce.
Everyone still alive? Good.
Great work, team Brownall.
OK, Natalie, I wonder if we could Yeah.
For frig's sake.
Angela! Come on, through the kitchen and into the car park.
Let's get this over and done with.
Karl, the centre's going to be empty for ten minutes, maybe we could - Catch up on some photocopying? I'm joking.
You want to have sex at work? Yeah.
lt's the last one on my list.
Come on! what? Mike and the Mechanics! The bloody sink's on fire.
Put it out, the whole place'll go up.
Stand back, everybody, I've got this.
Wait.
Is that the right kind of extinguisher? Depends what's burning? lt's Trish's scarf.
How did that happen? This has got water in it, can I use that? No.
You can't put water on a burning pashmina.
It'll take your face off.
Calm down, Janette, you're thinking of a chip pan.
That's never happened to me before.
Ah, what, so your fantasy is to have sex in Trish's office? ' The boss's office.
Mm.
Come on, we've done your fantasy.
No, we haven't.
OK, we tried but we couldn't because it was about as sexy as going to the dentist.
Alright, well, So what happens in your sexual fantasy then? Well, you're the boss Mm.
.
.
and I've been late three times .
.
and I need to be reprimanded.
What do you want, a verbal warning? No.
Mm? I want you to spank me on the bottom with a shatterproof ruler.
Nah, I'm not feeling it.
Are you serious? Yeah, I'm not up for it.
lt's just ridiculous.
Don't be childish.
I just think sex in the manager's office isweird.
This from the man who probably knocks one out over Holby City.
I told you.
I like AMATEUR first aid.
Oh, l'm sorry, St John's Ambulance.
Either way it's not normal.
What, and this is? Getting jiggy with it on Trish's Filofax? It's more normal than having sex with someone in a coma.
I do that every night anyway.
Yeah? Well, you won't be doing it tonight.
Yeah? Well, good.
Good.
Good.
Well, that was abuse.
I need some kind of fire blanket.
Smother it with this.
Bloody hell, Trish, that's not fire retarded.
She means retardant.
You're meant to dampen it first.
With what? I can't get to the taps, can I? There's a fire in the way.
' I don't know.
Milk? Milk? Not milk, milk burns.
All right yoghurt then.
You're thinking of thrush.
We need to evacuate.
No.
If my centre's going down, I'm going down with her.
I'm calling the fire brigade.
Oh! Ugh! What's going on? There's a shitting fire in the sink! Well, But it out then.
No! No! What have you done? We were dealing with an emergency situation and your anorak was deployed in a crucial role to tackle the blaze.
That was my new coat.
Angela, what are you doing in a cupboard? Proving you don't know what you're doing By hiding in a cupboard? I'm a confused member of the public.
Didn't you hear the alarm? I'm deaf and confused.
And now I'm dead.
You are disrespecting my authority as fire warden.
How did the fire start, Angela? The fire was a result of poor training.
No, literally, how did Trish's scarf set fire to itself in the staff room? Polyester.
Highly flammable.
lt's actually 20% silk.
lt's Jaeger.
Doesn't matter.
So Trish's scarf just floated off the coat stand and spontaneously combusted in the sink? Are you accusing me of arson? No.
Yes.
That's slander.
OK, Angela, what do you want? Proper fire drills.
Fine, fine, we'll do proper drills.
And a deputy fire warden who answers only to me.
You can have Janette.
And a £1,000 budget for new fire safety equipment.
Come on, Angela, you're being ridiculous.
If you don't take our safety seriously I will call a strike.
Whoa there, horsey.
There's no need to be hasty.
No-one wants a strike.
Then give me £1,000 for new fire safety equipment.
I think you'll find Trish and I are pretty tough cookies.
We're not just gonna roll over the moment someone threatens a strike.
Karl is modelling this season's most advanced in fire safety equipment.
Can I take this off? Sorry, I can't understand you.
Can I take this off now? No.
But I can't breathe.
Good.
Sorry, I can't wear that mask.
I get claustrophobic.
I once had a panic attack in a pair of swimming goggles.
Now, obviously all this equipment didn't come cheap so we will have to make some cutbacks.
The centre's monthly charitable donation to the local hospice has had to be cancelled.
Can't be helped.
It also means we won't be having a staff Christmas party this year.
What? You can't cancel the - You can't cancel the Christmas party.
That's the best thing about working here.
We'll have our own party in the staff room.
I'll bring in some mince pies.
No way.
We have a full festive buffet and disco.
lt's tradition.
Angela, you're fire warden.
Can you explain why this equipment is more important than a Christmas party ? No.
Christmas is the most magical time of the year.
Oh, for crying out loud.
You see? This is another example of management not taking us seriously.
Karl, as a grown up, I'm sure you can see that health and safety is far more important than a staff Christmas party.
- What do we want? - A Christmas party.
- When do we want it? - December.
What do we want? A Christmas party.
When do we want it? December.
Tell you what, Natalie, why don't you let me do the negotiating from now on? What do we want? A Christmas party.
When do we want it? December.
Karl, stop being a tit.
You're doing this because I said your sexual fantasy was ridiculous - which it is.
No, not true.
I'm doing this because having a staff Christmas party is a fundamental human right.
I'm pretty sure it's not.
I'm doing' it because I want to wear a novelty - jumper and a little paper hat.
I want to pull crackers and share shit jokes with my co-workers.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,yeah, yeah.
I'm doing this because I don't want fire blankets, no.
Yeah! Yeah, yeah.
I'm doing this because if management won't let us have our turkey and stuffing, then stuff them.
Yeah! Stuff 'em.
Yeah, that's right, Karl.
I am angry! And I do not eat meat or celebrate Christmas.
A Christmas party! When do we want it? December! What do we want? A Christmas party.
Unfortunately, due to industrial action, we are experiencing some delays so please bear with us, OK? Why is Karl being unreasonable? Has something happened between you two? Have you had a lovers' tiff? lt's nothing.
Romantic spat? I don't want to talk about it.
Erotic feud? Trish.
What the merry frig are we going to do then? We'll have to sign everyone on.
Oh, I suppose you're right.
Come on, Trish, back to the coal face.
- What have you done to find work? - Excuse me.
Hold that thought.
So just follow the instructions.
Excuse me - Be right with you.
I'll be right back, OK? Can I just have a second? Just a sec.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Listen, I need to have a chat - Hang on.
No, no! I'm not going to Let you two women keep palming me off.
Oh, sounds rude.
Sorry.
OK, I know a lot of you have been waiting a long time so, new plan, we're going to sign you all on together.
OK? Great.
Now, who remembers how to do the hokey cokey? It is five and twenty past the hour and I have a king's thirst.
Who's for a flagon of ale? Oh, this is fun.
Thank you.
Isn't it just? Getting paid for hanging around doing nothing.
Don't you do that every day? Cheek.
Anyway, we're not getting paid.
What? You don't get paid if you're on strike, Paul.
Bloddy hell.
What are you lot striking about? They cancelled our Christmas party.
Wankers.
I know, it's a disgrace.
He's talking about us, Janette.
Oh.
Has anyone got a spare cagoule? Perhaps we should go in.
What? And let them win? Never.
Do you want her to call you a quitter? lt's about to rain and I'm terrified of storms.
We are not going anywhere.
I don't want to get struck by lightning, not again.
OK, so # Put your left leg in if you've been looking for work in the last two weeks # And shake it all about if you've managed to get an interview Good.
Natalie, I think this might be slightly degrading.
No, it's fun.
Are we still supposed to be shaking? Um Let's give them their ruddy party so they come back to work.
I'll get another credit card or something.
And let them win? Never.
We will not be held to ransom over a tray of sausage rolls and a mobile disco.
We need to show them that these ladies are not for turning.
# And turn around If you're here to talk about Disability Living Allowance No? No-one for that one.
Excuse me.
I'm from the Evening News, can you tell me a bit about this Strike? No, I'm not talking to the press about this.
That's a shame.
I thought you and I could go for a quiet drink and a chat.
On the other hand I do quite like drinking and chatting.
You'd really be helping me out.
And helping people out.
Shall we? See, I told you.
Stand firm and show them who's boss.
OK, here's our offer.
We will send back four fire extinguishers, three fire blankets and a gas mask and you can have a mini disco, a pay bar and a cold buffet.
No chance.
A cold buffet basically means salad and dips.
Hummus makes me gag.
At the very least we want warm sausage rolls.
Preferably hot.
You can have hot sausage rolls but we lose the collapsible escape ladder.
No.
The escape Ladder is crucial should we need to evacuate via a window.
Which side are you on? My own.
We're on the ground floor.
We don't need a ladder to get out.
What about Janette? Oh, good point.
Leave this with me, I'm going to use something called reverse psychology.
I tell you what, forget it.
We don't even want a Christmas party.
Cancel it.
Oh.
Fine, let's do that.
OK.
OK, that backfired.
I'm handing back over to you.
All right, we'll keep the ladder.
I'll get my brother-in-law to do the disco - at cost - but we want a hot buffet and a hundred quid behind the bar.
50 quid behind the bar.
Deal.
Angela, are you happy with that? No.
Well, tough tits.
Back to work, everyone, please.
What about Karl? Where is Karl? I think what you're doing is so brave.
Well, I think, if you believe in something you've got to stand up and fight for your right to have a Christmas party.
So are you the rebel in the office? Oh, yeah, I'm always mucking about, me.
I'm a bit of a maverick.
In fact, that's what they call me - Maverick.
Maverick? Really? Like in Top Gun? Mm-hm.
Yep.
Top Fun more like.
Cor, I am such a card.
I bet you are.
Tell me some of the stuff you get up to.
Er, well, sometimes we come to the pub after work and have, like, three pints of quite strong lager and no tea, just crisps.
OK.
Anything else naughty? Um Yeah.
I had sex in the manager's office.
Really? What, with the manager? Oh, no, no, no, no, the deputy manager.
But it was on the manager's desk.
I, erl spanked her on the bottom with a shatterproof ruler.
That is naughty.
Mm.
Is she your girlfriend? Nah, nothing serious.
You need another drink.
Mm.
Listen, I've got a bottle of vodka at my flat.
Why don't you come back and I'll get you out of those damp clothes? Mmmno.
No, I can't, sorry.
Thank you for the beer and the flirting butI've just realised I've been a complete dickhead.
This is Karl.
I can't - Natalie! Shit.
Oh, my God, Karl! Are you all right? Karl? Wake up.
Are you all right? Karl? Oh, my God.
Wake up.
This is the bit where you sit on my face.
Oh, you twat! Mm.
Correct.
I'm sorry for that stupid strike.
And for denting your Corsa.
It's all right.
Sorry I said your sexual fantasy was weird.
Have you been drinking? Mm-hm.
Correct again.
I've had three pints of quite strong lager and no tea, just crisps.
We should get you checked out at the hospital.
How many times? I like AMATEUR first aid.
OK, come back to mine and I'll put you in a sling or something.
Thank you, kind nurse.
Ooh.
I also think I may have badly bruised my todger.
Don't push it.
I don't think I can.
lt's a Lovely day in Birmingham but traffic is at a standstill on the Aston Expressway.
Angela, why are you still here? We've reached an agreement.
You might have.
You never come to the Christmas party anyway.
Scab.
Here they are, the sex-mad staff of Brownall job Centre.
I just hope you wiped everything down after.
What are you talking about? So you had a drink with a journalist yesterday afternoon, Karl? Huh? What? No.
She secretly filmed the whole thing.
'I had sex in the manager's office.
' 'With the manager?' 'No, no, no, the deputy manager.
But it was on the manager's desk.
I spanked her on the bottom with a shatterproof ruler.
' Karl! Uh? 'Is she your girlfriend? 'Nah, nothing serious.
' 'Nothing serious'? I can explain.
Can you? No.
So not only have the papers run a story about the strike, they've also run a story about how our staff are more likely to be 'on the job, than finding you a job'.
It's all over the Internet.
You're trendy on Twitter.
The comments are brilliant though.
'Filling holes not roles.
' I'd have gone with 'friends with benefits'.
'Blow job centre'.
All right, Janette.
I mean, is it true? Did you have sex on my desk? No, we definitely did not, did we, Karl? No.
Then why did you tell the journalist you did? I was showing off.
Why were you showing off? Yeah, why? Because I thought she was - Thought she was what? Speak up.
Come on.
Because I thought she was fit.
Because you thought she was fit.
Head office have agreed not to sack you but you must both attend a week-long occupational therapy course which deals with sexual addiction - which the centre has to pay for, which means we have to cancel the Christmas party again.
Well done, Karl.
Oh, you have ruined my Christmas.
I think I'll just stand out here with you for a bit.
Excuse me.
Can you help me cross the road, please? Piss off.
What do we want? Health and safety.
When do we want it? Now.