The John Bishop Show (2015) s01e06 Episode Script
Episode 6
1 This programme contains adult humour CHEERS AND APPLAUSE # Where have all the good men gone and where are all the gods? # Where's the streetwise Hercules to fight the rising odds? # Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed? # Late at night, I toss and I turn and I dream of what I need # I need a hero # I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night # He's gotta be strong and he's gotta be fast # And he's gotta be fresh from the fight # I need a hero # I'm holding out for a hero till the morning light # He's gotta be sure and it's gotta be soon # And he's gotta be larger than life # I need a hero # I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night # Up where the mountains meet the heavens above # Out where the lightning splits the sea # I can feel his approach like the fire in my blood I need a hero.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Circus.
APPLAUSE Please don't try this at home.
I know, I know.
It looked easy.
I made it look simple, but I have to be honest with you, that was hard.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show.
CHEERING I'm glad you're here, cos for me, this has been an odd week, cos I found something out this week I wasn't expecting.
I found out that one of my sons is on Tinder.
LAUGHTER That's not funny! It was a real shock, particularly as I was on Tinder when I found out that he was on Tinder.
For those people of a certain age who don't know what Tinder is, it's the way young men, or old men, meet young women, or old women.
It's how they meet now.
Cos the world's changed.
It wasn't like that for us in our day.
You, if you're in this room and you're under 25 years of age, you have no idea what we used to go through.
Tinder's this thing, they have a website and a profile.
Now, for anyone in here who is under 25, you've never lived in a world without mobile phones or the internet.
You don't know what we used to do.
You lot, if you find somebody in a bar that you fancy, you just find out the name, you go on Facebook, you look at their Facebook profile, you do some research on who their friends are and what they did yesterday.
And what they had for their tea and then if you like them, you poke them.
Poke them.
Where I lived, if you'd have poked a girl, she'd have glassed you.
You poke them.
Poke them, and then if they like you, they poke you back and then you poke each other and then eventually, you might have a conversation.
Eventually.
I'm going to say something now that if you're under 25, you won't believe it, cos there's a lot of people in here who'll remember this.
A lot of people in here, similar age to me or older who know what we had to go through.
If you're under 25, you've no idea the jeopardy we faced.
Cos you know what we used to do? We used to walk up to someone we never met before and speak to them.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You have no idea! You have no idea what chance you were taking then.
You didn't know what was going to come out their mouth.
They might look like a goddess and you go, "Hi," and they went, "What you want?" You had no idea.
It was a proper, proper, proper challenge.
And also, the whole world of courtship was based around the fact that you had to chat people up.
I was in a nightclub recently, it's not a place that I normally go cos I don't belong, but I'd done a gig in a venue next door, the fella owned a nightclub.
He said, "Come in, have a drink.
" So I thought I'd be sociable.
I went in.
I thought, "I'll be sociable, I'll have a drink, "and then I'll know when it's time to leave, cos the universal "signal that the night's coming to an end will happen.
" You know what happens now in nightclubs? You know what happens now at the end? The lights go on.
That's it.
All the young 'uns are in there going The lights go on, they go, "Oh, shit.
It's finished," and walk out.
That's it! There's no slowies any more! There's no slowies! If you're so young you don't know what slowies are, I'll tell you what slowies are.
Slowies were a signal from the DJ to all the men in the room to say, "Listen, lads.
Four songs left.
"You've got four songs left to choose between a shag or a kebab.
"Four songs left.
" APPLAUSE And it worked! It worked! You'd be at the bar with your mates, having a drink and then you'd hear a slowy, you'd be like Even to this day, I can't hear Lionel Ritchie sing without thinking, "I've got to shag something.
" It's true! I've had to stop listening to Smooth FM cos I kept on getting a semi.
It's completely different, and the other thing that's different, as well, is that the sexual balance between men and women is different because girls are now more empowered and the mystery's been a little bit removed from them, cos for us, they were a mystery.
If you were a young boy growing up in the '70s, a young man in the '80s, women were a mystery.
We didn't know anything about them.
Nothing.
Now, you've got the internet and you've got forums and chatrooms and discussion things andstuff you can watch.
No, I'm not suggesting that pornography is real or anything, but I'd say that most men in this room my age, the most that you ever saw a woman with her clothes off was when your mum's catalogue arrived.
Let's be honest.
As soon as that Littlewoods catalogue hit the carpet You were - straight past the sheds and the garden furniture, into the ladies' Cos that's all we had.
Cos porn mags You didn't get porn mags.
And to be fair, if I was to show any of the young fellas in here a porn mag of the '70s, you'd think it was a carpet catalogue.
Seriously! We didn't have these waxed-up, buffed-up Barbie dolls presented to us.
We just used to have photographs of bored-looking dinner ladies like that Bored expressions and skin like semolina.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Are you ready for your first act? AUDIENCE: Yes! Right, the next performer, I've worked with on dozens of occasions.
She is absolutely brilliant in every possible way, and I am so pleased to bring on the stage tonight Please welcome Nina Conti.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Hi! Thank you! APPLAUSE Hello! Wow! So warm! Thank you! I'm looking for somebody to help me out, actually.
I'm always looking Looking for volunteers.
Maybe they are too keen! Um I'm just wondering, you on the end in the hoodie, would you come and join me on the stage? What's your name? Ricky.
Ricky? Can we give Ricky a round of applause, please? CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Thanks, Ricky.
Nice to meet you.
So, this is Ricky, everybody.
Um CHEERS AND APPLAUSE So, just tell me, where are you from? North London.
And what do you do? I manage a pub.
You manage a pub, fantastic.
OK.
Ricky, I'm going to give you a little modification.
Can you hold that on to your face? OK, Ricky.
All cool? (DEEP)Yeah! OK.
Do you want to come to the middle? Yeah! I'm not sure I've got your voice right.
(HIGHER) Yeah! Is that better? Yeah, this is more like me.
OK.
We'll go with that one.
All right.
Huh-huh.
Well, this is unexpected.
Yeah.
I thought I was safe in the second row.
And this is your girlfriend? Yeah.
How long have you guys been together? Like, one day.
One day? And your name is Ricky? My name is Ricky.
And you manage a bar? Yeah.
Is it all right, Nina, that I'm standing so very still? Yes.
That's fine.
With my hands down like this? They can move.
Yeah, I know.
I can dance.
Fantastic.
They're going to love that.
All right.
So, tell me, you manage the bar Yeah.
So, what's that like? What do you do? Well, I go in, you know In the morning.
In the morning? Yeah, sometimes.
Start early.
And then, what do you do? I do this, I kind of, you know, hang out and You know, drink.
You drink? Yeah.
No way! Yeah.
You drink on the job? Yeah.
Sod it! How else am I going to get through the day? That's amazing.
So, tell me a little bit more about the bar.
Anything.
It's like, er Like a pole dancing club.
Is it? Yeah.
Wow! I love the sound of this bar.
Right up your street! And um So, how did you meet your girlfriend? She works at the club.
Does she? She's great with a pole.
Are you? Do you do the pole yourself? Never.
Do you have an act? I'd like to have an act.
So, what were you having in mind? I'd quite like to try what you do.
You mean ventriloquism? Yeah! You reckon? Yeah! Can you give me a lesson? Yes.
I'm up for that.
I brought a puppet.
Did you? Yeah.
Where's your puppet? It's in your bag.
In the pink one.
This is your puppet? Yeah, he's in there.
I always put things in other people's bags.
I'm excited to see this.
Yeah, it's It's a dog.
It's I'll just I don't know how to do it yet.
Oh, that's pretty good.
Yeah.
Is it? Have I got my hand in the right hole? No! I would say - put it in the back.
Oh, all right.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Sorry, Dog.
It's He doesn't mind.
He likes it.
So, what's the dog's name? Dog.
OK.
Cool.
So, can you tell me how to do it? Well, you're doing great.
I would say you should support him, otherwise he's just hanging.
Just gently, here? Yeah.
All right.
And you see how he's kind of looking up there? I'd have him looking at the audience.
All right, yeah.
See? Cos then he's kind of alive.
Keep him looking around.
Keep him moving.
All right.
Yeah.
Exactly.
See? He's alive.
OK, I'm excited now.
Now, you can have a conversation with Dog.
You do your voice and you do his voice.
All right.
Shit, this is complicated.
So, ask him a question and see what he says.
All right.
Dog, do you want to come and do a show at my pole dancing club? He's not saying anything.
You've got to open his mouth.
Oh, shit! Yeah! He won't do it on his own.
I get you.
I get you.
Open his mouth.
Yeah, yeah.
OK.
Like this? Yeah, but not while you're talking.
Oh, bloody hell! This is really complicated.
You're doing great.
OK, I'll try again.
So, ask him a question, then he does the answer.
All right.
Dog? Erm Oh.
LAUGHTER It happens, but you've got to learn tojust one of you at a time.
Yeah.
Ho-ho-hooooh.
Ugh-ugh! Ugh! Ugh! I'm going to finish this if it kills me! You're doing great, Ricky.
I want to go back to pulling pints.
So, ask him a question.
We'll see if he can do the answer.
OK.
Doggie, do you want to come and work in my club? Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo.
Whoo-whoo-whoo.
Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo SHE PANTS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That was good.
You're great.
You got it.
I've got what it takes.
Give Ricky a big round of applause.
He was wonderful.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Ricky, everybody.
Thank you.
Well done.
You were brilliant.
Thank you for having me! CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Brilliant! Brilliant.
How fabulous is Nina Conti? And every married man in here will recognise that ability in their wives.
That ability to put words in your mouth.
Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for some music? AUDIENCE: Yes! Now, this is an introduction I could never have believed I was going to say.
Not only have we got an international star coming on the stage, but we've got somebody who performed at this year's Oscars.
Singing her new single, Poison, please welcome Rita Ora.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE # I could have beer for breakfast # My sanity for lunch # Trying to get over how bad I want you so much # Innocence for dinner # Pour something in my cup # Anything and everything just to fill me up # But nothing ever gets me high like this # I pick my poison and it's you # Nothing can kill me like you do # You're going straight to my head # And I'm heading straight for the edge # I pick my poison and it's you # I pick my poison and it's you # I can feel you whisper # And laying on the floor # I try to stop but I keep on coming back for more # I'm a lightweight and I know it # Cos after the first time # I was falling # Falling now # But nothing ever gets me high like this # I pick my poison and it's you # Nothing can kill me like you do # You're going straight to my head # And I'm heading straight for the edge # I pick my poison and it's you # I said it's you # This bittersweet ecstasy that you get me in # Falling deep I can't sleep tonight # And you make me feel like I'm out of my mind # Oh, but it's all right It's all right, it's all right # This bittersweet ecstasy that you got me in # Falling deep I can't sleep tonight # And you make me feel like I'm out of my mind # Oh, but it's all right It's all right, it's all right # Cos nothing ever gets me high like this # I pick my poison and it's you # Nothing could kill me like you do # You're going straight to my head # And I'm heading straight for the edge # I pick my poison and it's you # I said it's you # I pick my poison and it's you # Yeah, yeah # Oh-oh I pick my poison and it's you.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, Rita Ora.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, Rita Ora.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE That was superb.
And with all those lasers, there's a fellow in the second row who doesn't need his glasses any more.
Are you ready for some more comedy? AUDIENCE: Yes! I thought long and hard about how to introduce the next act and I really can't.
To be honest, when I first started comedy, he was one of the first people that I gigged with and I so enjoy sharing a stage with him.
He is absolutely brilliant.
Please welcome to the stage the fabulous Glenn Wool.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Hello! Wonderful to see you again.
My name's Glenn.
I'm actually from Canada, but I lived here for about ten years and then three years ago, I was approached by the people from Hollywood, who went, "Oh, no! "You've got to come to California.
"We're going to make you a star.
" So I said, "Goodbye, Britain, with your minuscule summer! "Now I'm off to America! To be famous!" So, I'm back.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's really hard to be famous.
Don't try it.
I'm going to stay here with you guys.
I hope I don't come across as culturally insensitive, but here's the deal.
Sometimes, you can be that when you ain't even meaning to.
I was just in Abu Dhabi in the Middle East, doing gigs, and they have the world's biggest mosque there and when they say that, they are not kidding.
It is bloody gigantic! And I just wasn't ready to see it.
The woman in the car went, "Glenn, if you look to your left, it is "the world's largest mosque.
" And I went, "Jesus Christ!" Now, here's the question, is it blasphemy if you say the wrong guy? I don't think it was blasphemy because, as I'm sure some of you know, and some of you will be shocked to find out, it probably was blasphemy because Christ is actually in the Koran.
I know! I was amazed when I found out, too! It's like when you see a superhero in a different comic book.
What, he got like a little team now? Who else is coming? Like, is Buddha going to show up in the Koran, be like a Justice League of the spiritual world and they all fight crime together like the Avengers? Buddha's belly bucking everybody.
Muhammad's like, "Jesus, do a miracle!" And Jesus would slide in like the Silver Surfer and go, "Whoa! "I turned the water into wine! "Yes, I did!" And then all the Muslims the in the Koran would be like .
.
"Don't do that.
" "That's not a miracle.
"This is the desert and now we can't drink that.
"You're not a miracle worker, you're a nuisance.
" "Could you turn it back, please?" "No.
" "I don't know how to do that part of the trick yet.
" "Let me get this straight.
" "You can still drink it?" "Yeah.
"I can still drink it and I believe I'm the only one here who's "still spiritually and legally allowed to consume that.
" "Hm.
"Well, you know what, Jesus? "I just hope that this isn't the first action that causes a chain of "events that makes our two wonderful religions not get along any more.
" Could have been what happened.
You weren't there.
And I know what you're thinking.
You're going, "Oh, my! "Was that just a joke that involved four of the world's major "religions, but was non-offensive to any of them? "And he walks amongst us?" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, you've been wonderful.
I've been Glenn.
Thank you.
Good night.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Glenn Wool.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE I was talking before about the difficulty between dating now and dating as it used to be, and it's really interesting, cos, backstage, you've seen some of the people that we've got backstage.
The athletic people, the young strutting people that we've got backstage.
You could see when I was talking about things like chatting up, it doesn't matter in their world.
They don't see it.
They're in a different world and I see it all the time now cos my lads are getting older, you can see young men on the beaches, buffed-up young men, full of protein shakes, who go to the gym four times a week, who are just walking round and looking at you like you're an old fat get, cos they've got a bendy girlfriend.
"Look at my girlfriend, look at my 21-year-old bendy girlfriend.
"Look at my fit, bendy, bendy, bendy girlfriend.
"Bendy girlfriend.
Look at my girlfriend, with her hot body, eh? "Eh, old man? Look at my girlfriend with her hot body.
"Bet you wish you had a girlfriend with a hot body.
"Look at my bendy girlfriend with her hot body.
" I'm just going to tell every young fella in here with that attitude, all of you young lads, who think you're with the girl with the hot body, unless you've lived with a woman in her 40s, you have no idea what it is to have a woman with a hot body.
That's right, sisters.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You've got no idea what a woman with a hot body is.
In fact, you've got no idea what it is to be in bed with a woman with a hot body is until that woman's body is so hot, you've got to get out of bed and stand there with a towel, doing that.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE While she's lying there, going, "It'll pass! It'll pass!" So, you young fellas with your bendy girlfriend, who's got buttocks so firm you can flick a pea off, you enjoy them! You enjoy them, cos I tell you what, in 20 years' time, you'll be able to fry a bloody egg on it.
Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your next act? AUDIENCE: Yes! It's time to change the pace a little bit and inject a little bit of glamour into proceedings.
I'm so delighted to bring someone on to the stage now who has the voice and the looks of an angel.
Please welcome the unmistakable Myra Dubois.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE APPLAUSE AND WOLF WHISTLES Hiya.
Good evening, Hackney! CHEERING That's the kind of pace we want, even though it's not really three words that usually denote a career on the rise, but Good evening, Hackney, anyway.
How are we all? Are we all right? I'm a cabaret artist, myself, and I'm quite partial to a pub, which is why they've recreated one for me here.
Look at that.
Look at this! Look at this.
Look.
Television licence money well spent.
This is why I don't pay mine.
I mean, look.
There you go.
It's all an illusion.
It's all an illusion.
Rita Ora wasn't even here.
She was at the bar at the Wetherspoons across, that was hologrammed in.
I think I'm going to do something for the adults tonight.
I don't mean stripping.
I'm going to do a bit of a song for you.
CHEERING Thank you.
Both of you.
I'm going to do a song that means a great deal to me because I used to perform this is in the pubs and clubs of South Yorkshire with my sister Rose and she's no longer with us.
AUDIENCE: Aw! She's in Doncaster.
DRUMROLL Little noise there to denote a joke.
It's not always obvious.
No, the song I'm about to do for you is a duet and I don't mean a small Jewish person.
DRUMROLL And I think I'm going to tackle it myself.
Now, I don't know if anyone's seen me perform before, but I do have voice for two cos SINGLE CLAP Just one person, or was that chips frying at the back there? I have voice enough for two cos I am a trained singer.
I trained at the conservatory, sometimes the living room.
DRUMROLL Rule of three.
Rule of three.
I'm going to sing this song for you now and while we do this, Ollie, do you think you could hit me with a sort of '80s kind of soft flattering light? Right.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Very droll.
Very droll.
Without further ado, please, take it away.
MUSIC STARTS: I Know Him So Well Oh, I don't sing this bit.
INSTRUMENTAL VERSE MUSIC CONTINUES # Oh, so good # Oh, so fine # He can't be mine MUSIC CONTINUES # He needs his fantasy and freedom Sing! AUDIENCE: # I know him so well.
# Oh! # Wasn't it good? So good # Wasn't he fine? So fine # Isn't it madness? He can't be mine Aw # But in the end, he needs a little bit more than me # More security He needs his fantasy and freedom Sing! AUDIENCE: # I know him so well.
# Thank you very much.
Good night.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Myra Dubois.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE There's a lad I'm going to bring on now who is making a real name for himself on the comedy circuit and it gives me enormous pleasure to bring him on to the stage.
Please put your hands together for the fabulous Nish Kumar.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
How are you? Are you all right? AUDIENCE: Yeah! Good.
Then we can begin.
Um I'm having a mixed year of it.
About two weeks into this year, I cut my hand.
I was doing the washing up and I pushed down into a glass and the glass shattered and it slashed my hand here and I had to go to hospital and the NHS staff were incredible, they sewed up my hand.
One of them called me a brave boy LAUGHTER Which is good cos I WAS BEING one, so I don't know what you're laughing at.
But before I did that, I did something which I will never do again.
I called NHS 111.
If you don't know what this is, it's the service the Government have brought in to replace NHS Direct.
Basically, if you have a non life-threatening emergency, you're supposed to dial 111 on your phones.
I'm sure that these people are very nice, but based on my experience, they have proportionately less skill than their numerical value compared to 999 because it was the blind leading the blind.
At one point, she said, "How is the blood?" And I said, "Red.
"I have no idea.
That's why I'm calling.
" And then she said, "Is there a lot of blood?" I said, "Yes.
" And she said, "Is there enough to fill a mug?" I've absolutely no idea.
I don't wish to brag, but I have a lot of different mug sizes in my house.
Also, while this was happening, I'm just panicking.
I'm not decanting the blood, in the hope it can be poured back into my body at a later date.
She said, "Is the blood flowing or oozing?" I said, "I have absolutely no idea what the difference "is between those two things," and she said, "Oh, there's a difference.
" "How did I get into a semantic debate with you "while blood is gushing out of my hand?" And she said, "Gushing, thank you very much.
"That's all I needed to know.
" But it's a good year in a lot of ways.
It's a good time to be a non-white person living in Britain right now.
Honestly, there's nothing I can't do in Britain right now that a white person can do.
I really believe there's nothing I can't do that a white person can do.
Apart from one thing and that's play pranks at an international airport.
Because LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That is not open to you when you have the voice of Downton but the face of Homeland.
That is not an option.
But there's a lot of good stuff happening and a lot of it is quite abstract and hard to measure.
Here's a weird thing.
We might get a black James Bond.
That's incredible.
Idris Elba is one of the bookies' favourites to take over from Daniel Craig.
Hackney's own Idris Elba.
CHEERING Yeah, totally.
People seem to be happy about it, or people don't really seem to care about it.
I think 15-20 years ago, people would have been a lot angrier.
Some people are very unhappy.
I was reading an article about this and the first comment underneath the article was, "This is not a race thing" Which immediately makes me think, oh, it's a race thing.
"This is not a race thing.
It's just James Bond is not black.
" Now, I have terrible news for this person.
James Bond is not real.
He's not a real person.
It doesn't matter.
APPLAUSE And the second comment underneath that was, "This is political correctness gone mad.
"This is the ethnic-minority lobby getting their way again.
" And we all know, if the ethnic minority lobby has been campaigning for anything, it's for a black James Bond.
People have been out in the streets, "We want a black James Bond now! "Give us a black James Bond now! We will settle for a Mexican maybe.
" And who can forget the immortal words of Dr Martin Luther King - "I have a dream that one day a black man will play a fake spy.
"? And an American radio presenter said this would be like getting George Clooney to play Barack Obama.
Now, first of all, no, it isn't, and we don't have enough time to list all of the reasons why that is not the case.
I don't mean tonight, I mean the entire span of human existence and civilisation.
We don't have enough time.
But secondly, given Hollywood's history of race-based casting snafus, that is not implausible enough to be funny.
Not in a world where John Wayne once played Genghis Khan.
Google image it, he does the eyes, it's mental.
Not in a world where last year, Ridley Scott made a movie that he called a historically faithful re-enactment of Moses' life story, called Exodus.
Who did he get to play Moses? Christian Bale.
I would love to have been in the room where someone was like, "Right, we want to get back to the real story of Moses' life, "as a man who came from the Middle East.
Who can we get to play him?" "I know, has anyone seen Batman?" And certainly not in a world When I was growing up, I was watching TV with my mother one day and a movie came on about Nathuram Godse If you don't know who Godse is, Godse is the man who assassinated Gandhi.
This is a significant figure in Indian history.
My mum explained to me who it was.
I looked at the actor playing Godse and I was like, "I recognise that guy.
" The reason I recognised him is he is the man who plays the young boy in The Magnificent Seven, who is German.
And in order to cover the slight racial discrepancy between German and Indian, they had boot polished his face and you better believe he was doing an accent.
Oh, my God! His head was wobbling all over the place! No-one is allowed to do that - only real Indians.
Even I'm not supposed to be doing it.
And I'm sat there watching this man speak the way no Indian has ever spoken, going, "I am going to kill Gandhi!" I must have misread my history textbooks.
I forgot Gandhi was assassinated by Apu from the Simpsons.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, it has been an absolute privilege speaking to you tonight.
My name's Nish.
Good night.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Nish Kumar.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE That was flawless.
Flawless.
This year, I was invited to the Brit Awards, which, I have to be honest with you, it felt a little awkward cosit's the Brit Awards, look at me.
I look like someone's uncle, who'd come to pick them up.
But I got talking to a young man who'd just won a Brit award and he was such a lovely down-to-earth man.
He deserves all the success he's got now and is going to have in the future.
Taken from his number one album, Chaos And The Calm, It's James Bay, with Hold Back The River.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE # Tried to keep you close to me # But life got in between # Tried to square not being there # But it's there that I should've been # Hold back the river Let me look in your eyes # Hold back the river, so I # Can stop for a minute And see where you hide # Hold back the river, hold back # Once upon a different life # We rode our bikes into the sky # But now we're caught against the tide # Those distant days all flashing by # Hold back the river Let me look in your eyes # Hold back the river, so I # Can stop for a minute And be by your side # Hold back the river, hold back # Hold back the river Let me look in your eyes # Hold back the river, so I # Can stop for a minute And see where you hide # Hold back the river, hold back # Lonely water # Lonely water Won't you let us wander? # Let us hold each other # Hold back the river Let me look in your eyes # Hold back the river, so I # Can stop for a minute And be by your side # Hold back the river, hold back # Hold back the river Let me look in your eyes # Hold back the river, so I # Can stop for a minute And be by your side # Hold back the river, hold # Lonely water # Lonely water Won't you let us wander? # Won't you let us hold each other? # Lonely water # Lonely water Won't you let us wander? Let us hold each other.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, James Bay.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, James Bay.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE What can you say to that? So, have you had a good night tonight? AUDIENCE: Yes! Thanks for coming, thanks for watching at home.
Put your hands together for all tonight's acts.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Thank you, good night and God bless.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Circus.
APPLAUSE Please don't try this at home.
I know, I know.
It looked easy.
I made it look simple, but I have to be honest with you, that was hard.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show.
CHEERING I'm glad you're here, cos for me, this has been an odd week, cos I found something out this week I wasn't expecting.
I found out that one of my sons is on Tinder.
LAUGHTER That's not funny! It was a real shock, particularly as I was on Tinder when I found out that he was on Tinder.
For those people of a certain age who don't know what Tinder is, it's the way young men, or old men, meet young women, or old women.
It's how they meet now.
Cos the world's changed.
It wasn't like that for us in our day.
You, if you're in this room and you're under 25 years of age, you have no idea what we used to go through.
Tinder's this thing, they have a website and a profile.
Now, for anyone in here who is under 25, you've never lived in a world without mobile phones or the internet.
You don't know what we used to do.
You lot, if you find somebody in a bar that you fancy, you just find out the name, you go on Facebook, you look at their Facebook profile, you do some research on who their friends are and what they did yesterday.
And what they had for their tea and then if you like them, you poke them.
Poke them.
Where I lived, if you'd have poked a girl, she'd have glassed you.
You poke them.
Poke them, and then if they like you, they poke you back and then you poke each other and then eventually, you might have a conversation.
Eventually.
I'm going to say something now that if you're under 25, you won't believe it, cos there's a lot of people in here who'll remember this.
A lot of people in here, similar age to me or older who know what we had to go through.
If you're under 25, you've no idea the jeopardy we faced.
Cos you know what we used to do? We used to walk up to someone we never met before and speak to them.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You have no idea! You have no idea what chance you were taking then.
You didn't know what was going to come out their mouth.
They might look like a goddess and you go, "Hi," and they went, "What you want?" You had no idea.
It was a proper, proper, proper challenge.
And also, the whole world of courtship was based around the fact that you had to chat people up.
I was in a nightclub recently, it's not a place that I normally go cos I don't belong, but I'd done a gig in a venue next door, the fella owned a nightclub.
He said, "Come in, have a drink.
" So I thought I'd be sociable.
I went in.
I thought, "I'll be sociable, I'll have a drink, "and then I'll know when it's time to leave, cos the universal "signal that the night's coming to an end will happen.
" You know what happens now in nightclubs? You know what happens now at the end? The lights go on.
That's it.
All the young 'uns are in there going The lights go on, they go, "Oh, shit.
It's finished," and walk out.
That's it! There's no slowies any more! There's no slowies! If you're so young you don't know what slowies are, I'll tell you what slowies are.
Slowies were a signal from the DJ to all the men in the room to say, "Listen, lads.
Four songs left.
"You've got four songs left to choose between a shag or a kebab.
"Four songs left.
" APPLAUSE And it worked! It worked! You'd be at the bar with your mates, having a drink and then you'd hear a slowy, you'd be like Even to this day, I can't hear Lionel Ritchie sing without thinking, "I've got to shag something.
" It's true! I've had to stop listening to Smooth FM cos I kept on getting a semi.
It's completely different, and the other thing that's different, as well, is that the sexual balance between men and women is different because girls are now more empowered and the mystery's been a little bit removed from them, cos for us, they were a mystery.
If you were a young boy growing up in the '70s, a young man in the '80s, women were a mystery.
We didn't know anything about them.
Nothing.
Now, you've got the internet and you've got forums and chatrooms and discussion things andstuff you can watch.
No, I'm not suggesting that pornography is real or anything, but I'd say that most men in this room my age, the most that you ever saw a woman with her clothes off was when your mum's catalogue arrived.
Let's be honest.
As soon as that Littlewoods catalogue hit the carpet You were - straight past the sheds and the garden furniture, into the ladies' Cos that's all we had.
Cos porn mags You didn't get porn mags.
And to be fair, if I was to show any of the young fellas in here a porn mag of the '70s, you'd think it was a carpet catalogue.
Seriously! We didn't have these waxed-up, buffed-up Barbie dolls presented to us.
We just used to have photographs of bored-looking dinner ladies like that Bored expressions and skin like semolina.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Are you ready for your first act? AUDIENCE: Yes! Right, the next performer, I've worked with on dozens of occasions.
She is absolutely brilliant in every possible way, and I am so pleased to bring on the stage tonight Please welcome Nina Conti.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Hi! Thank you! APPLAUSE Hello! Wow! So warm! Thank you! I'm looking for somebody to help me out, actually.
I'm always looking Looking for volunteers.
Maybe they are too keen! Um I'm just wondering, you on the end in the hoodie, would you come and join me on the stage? What's your name? Ricky.
Ricky? Can we give Ricky a round of applause, please? CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Thanks, Ricky.
Nice to meet you.
So, this is Ricky, everybody.
Um CHEERS AND APPLAUSE So, just tell me, where are you from? North London.
And what do you do? I manage a pub.
You manage a pub, fantastic.
OK.
Ricky, I'm going to give you a little modification.
Can you hold that on to your face? OK, Ricky.
All cool? (DEEP)Yeah! OK.
Do you want to come to the middle? Yeah! I'm not sure I've got your voice right.
(HIGHER) Yeah! Is that better? Yeah, this is more like me.
OK.
We'll go with that one.
All right.
Huh-huh.
Well, this is unexpected.
Yeah.
I thought I was safe in the second row.
And this is your girlfriend? Yeah.
How long have you guys been together? Like, one day.
One day? And your name is Ricky? My name is Ricky.
And you manage a bar? Yeah.
Is it all right, Nina, that I'm standing so very still? Yes.
That's fine.
With my hands down like this? They can move.
Yeah, I know.
I can dance.
Fantastic.
They're going to love that.
All right.
So, tell me, you manage the bar Yeah.
So, what's that like? What do you do? Well, I go in, you know In the morning.
In the morning? Yeah, sometimes.
Start early.
And then, what do you do? I do this, I kind of, you know, hang out and You know, drink.
You drink? Yeah.
No way! Yeah.
You drink on the job? Yeah.
Sod it! How else am I going to get through the day? That's amazing.
So, tell me a little bit more about the bar.
Anything.
It's like, er Like a pole dancing club.
Is it? Yeah.
Wow! I love the sound of this bar.
Right up your street! And um So, how did you meet your girlfriend? She works at the club.
Does she? She's great with a pole.
Are you? Do you do the pole yourself? Never.
Do you have an act? I'd like to have an act.
So, what were you having in mind? I'd quite like to try what you do.
You mean ventriloquism? Yeah! You reckon? Yeah! Can you give me a lesson? Yes.
I'm up for that.
I brought a puppet.
Did you? Yeah.
Where's your puppet? It's in your bag.
In the pink one.
This is your puppet? Yeah, he's in there.
I always put things in other people's bags.
I'm excited to see this.
Yeah, it's It's a dog.
It's I'll just I don't know how to do it yet.
Oh, that's pretty good.
Yeah.
Is it? Have I got my hand in the right hole? No! I would say - put it in the back.
Oh, all right.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Sorry, Dog.
It's He doesn't mind.
He likes it.
So, what's the dog's name? Dog.
OK.
Cool.
So, can you tell me how to do it? Well, you're doing great.
I would say you should support him, otherwise he's just hanging.
Just gently, here? Yeah.
All right.
And you see how he's kind of looking up there? I'd have him looking at the audience.
All right, yeah.
See? Cos then he's kind of alive.
Keep him looking around.
Keep him moving.
All right.
Yeah.
Exactly.
See? He's alive.
OK, I'm excited now.
Now, you can have a conversation with Dog.
You do your voice and you do his voice.
All right.
Shit, this is complicated.
So, ask him a question and see what he says.
All right.
Dog, do you want to come and do a show at my pole dancing club? He's not saying anything.
You've got to open his mouth.
Oh, shit! Yeah! He won't do it on his own.
I get you.
I get you.
Open his mouth.
Yeah, yeah.
OK.
Like this? Yeah, but not while you're talking.
Oh, bloody hell! This is really complicated.
You're doing great.
OK, I'll try again.
So, ask him a question, then he does the answer.
All right.
Dog? Erm Oh.
LAUGHTER It happens, but you've got to learn tojust one of you at a time.
Yeah.
Ho-ho-hooooh.
Ugh-ugh! Ugh! Ugh! I'm going to finish this if it kills me! You're doing great, Ricky.
I want to go back to pulling pints.
So, ask him a question.
We'll see if he can do the answer.
OK.
Doggie, do you want to come and work in my club? Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo.
Whoo-whoo-whoo.
Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo SHE PANTS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That was good.
You're great.
You got it.
I've got what it takes.
Give Ricky a big round of applause.
He was wonderful.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Ricky, everybody.
Thank you.
Well done.
You were brilliant.
Thank you for having me! CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Brilliant! Brilliant.
How fabulous is Nina Conti? And every married man in here will recognise that ability in their wives.
That ability to put words in your mouth.
Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for some music? AUDIENCE: Yes! Now, this is an introduction I could never have believed I was going to say.
Not only have we got an international star coming on the stage, but we've got somebody who performed at this year's Oscars.
Singing her new single, Poison, please welcome Rita Ora.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE # I could have beer for breakfast # My sanity for lunch # Trying to get over how bad I want you so much # Innocence for dinner # Pour something in my cup # Anything and everything just to fill me up # But nothing ever gets me high like this # I pick my poison and it's you # Nothing can kill me like you do # You're going straight to my head # And I'm heading straight for the edge # I pick my poison and it's you # I pick my poison and it's you # I can feel you whisper # And laying on the floor # I try to stop but I keep on coming back for more # I'm a lightweight and I know it # Cos after the first time # I was falling # Falling now # But nothing ever gets me high like this # I pick my poison and it's you # Nothing can kill me like you do # You're going straight to my head # And I'm heading straight for the edge # I pick my poison and it's you # I said it's you # This bittersweet ecstasy that you get me in # Falling deep I can't sleep tonight # And you make me feel like I'm out of my mind # Oh, but it's all right It's all right, it's all right # This bittersweet ecstasy that you got me in # Falling deep I can't sleep tonight # And you make me feel like I'm out of my mind # Oh, but it's all right It's all right, it's all right # Cos nothing ever gets me high like this # I pick my poison and it's you # Nothing could kill me like you do # You're going straight to my head # And I'm heading straight for the edge # I pick my poison and it's you # I said it's you # I pick my poison and it's you # Yeah, yeah # Oh-oh I pick my poison and it's you.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, Rita Ora.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, Rita Ora.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE That was superb.
And with all those lasers, there's a fellow in the second row who doesn't need his glasses any more.
Are you ready for some more comedy? AUDIENCE: Yes! I thought long and hard about how to introduce the next act and I really can't.
To be honest, when I first started comedy, he was one of the first people that I gigged with and I so enjoy sharing a stage with him.
He is absolutely brilliant.
Please welcome to the stage the fabulous Glenn Wool.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Hello! Wonderful to see you again.
My name's Glenn.
I'm actually from Canada, but I lived here for about ten years and then three years ago, I was approached by the people from Hollywood, who went, "Oh, no! "You've got to come to California.
"We're going to make you a star.
" So I said, "Goodbye, Britain, with your minuscule summer! "Now I'm off to America! To be famous!" So, I'm back.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's really hard to be famous.
Don't try it.
I'm going to stay here with you guys.
I hope I don't come across as culturally insensitive, but here's the deal.
Sometimes, you can be that when you ain't even meaning to.
I was just in Abu Dhabi in the Middle East, doing gigs, and they have the world's biggest mosque there and when they say that, they are not kidding.
It is bloody gigantic! And I just wasn't ready to see it.
The woman in the car went, "Glenn, if you look to your left, it is "the world's largest mosque.
" And I went, "Jesus Christ!" Now, here's the question, is it blasphemy if you say the wrong guy? I don't think it was blasphemy because, as I'm sure some of you know, and some of you will be shocked to find out, it probably was blasphemy because Christ is actually in the Koran.
I know! I was amazed when I found out, too! It's like when you see a superhero in a different comic book.
What, he got like a little team now? Who else is coming? Like, is Buddha going to show up in the Koran, be like a Justice League of the spiritual world and they all fight crime together like the Avengers? Buddha's belly bucking everybody.
Muhammad's like, "Jesus, do a miracle!" And Jesus would slide in like the Silver Surfer and go, "Whoa! "I turned the water into wine! "Yes, I did!" And then all the Muslims the in the Koran would be like .
.
"Don't do that.
" "That's not a miracle.
"This is the desert and now we can't drink that.
"You're not a miracle worker, you're a nuisance.
" "Could you turn it back, please?" "No.
" "I don't know how to do that part of the trick yet.
" "Let me get this straight.
" "You can still drink it?" "Yeah.
"I can still drink it and I believe I'm the only one here who's "still spiritually and legally allowed to consume that.
" "Hm.
"Well, you know what, Jesus? "I just hope that this isn't the first action that causes a chain of "events that makes our two wonderful religions not get along any more.
" Could have been what happened.
You weren't there.
And I know what you're thinking.
You're going, "Oh, my! "Was that just a joke that involved four of the world's major "religions, but was non-offensive to any of them? "And he walks amongst us?" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, you've been wonderful.
I've been Glenn.
Thank you.
Good night.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Glenn Wool.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE I was talking before about the difficulty between dating now and dating as it used to be, and it's really interesting, cos, backstage, you've seen some of the people that we've got backstage.
The athletic people, the young strutting people that we've got backstage.
You could see when I was talking about things like chatting up, it doesn't matter in their world.
They don't see it.
They're in a different world and I see it all the time now cos my lads are getting older, you can see young men on the beaches, buffed-up young men, full of protein shakes, who go to the gym four times a week, who are just walking round and looking at you like you're an old fat get, cos they've got a bendy girlfriend.
"Look at my girlfriend, look at my 21-year-old bendy girlfriend.
"Look at my fit, bendy, bendy, bendy girlfriend.
"Bendy girlfriend.
Look at my girlfriend, with her hot body, eh? "Eh, old man? Look at my girlfriend with her hot body.
"Bet you wish you had a girlfriend with a hot body.
"Look at my bendy girlfriend with her hot body.
" I'm just going to tell every young fella in here with that attitude, all of you young lads, who think you're with the girl with the hot body, unless you've lived with a woman in her 40s, you have no idea what it is to have a woman with a hot body.
That's right, sisters.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You've got no idea what a woman with a hot body is.
In fact, you've got no idea what it is to be in bed with a woman with a hot body is until that woman's body is so hot, you've got to get out of bed and stand there with a towel, doing that.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE While she's lying there, going, "It'll pass! It'll pass!" So, you young fellas with your bendy girlfriend, who's got buttocks so firm you can flick a pea off, you enjoy them! You enjoy them, cos I tell you what, in 20 years' time, you'll be able to fry a bloody egg on it.
Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your next act? AUDIENCE: Yes! It's time to change the pace a little bit and inject a little bit of glamour into proceedings.
I'm so delighted to bring someone on to the stage now who has the voice and the looks of an angel.
Please welcome the unmistakable Myra Dubois.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE APPLAUSE AND WOLF WHISTLES Hiya.
Good evening, Hackney! CHEERING That's the kind of pace we want, even though it's not really three words that usually denote a career on the rise, but Good evening, Hackney, anyway.
How are we all? Are we all right? I'm a cabaret artist, myself, and I'm quite partial to a pub, which is why they've recreated one for me here.
Look at that.
Look at this! Look at this.
Look.
Television licence money well spent.
This is why I don't pay mine.
I mean, look.
There you go.
It's all an illusion.
It's all an illusion.
Rita Ora wasn't even here.
She was at the bar at the Wetherspoons across, that was hologrammed in.
I think I'm going to do something for the adults tonight.
I don't mean stripping.
I'm going to do a bit of a song for you.
CHEERING Thank you.
Both of you.
I'm going to do a song that means a great deal to me because I used to perform this is in the pubs and clubs of South Yorkshire with my sister Rose and she's no longer with us.
AUDIENCE: Aw! She's in Doncaster.
DRUMROLL Little noise there to denote a joke.
It's not always obvious.
No, the song I'm about to do for you is a duet and I don't mean a small Jewish person.
DRUMROLL And I think I'm going to tackle it myself.
Now, I don't know if anyone's seen me perform before, but I do have voice for two cos SINGLE CLAP Just one person, or was that chips frying at the back there? I have voice enough for two cos I am a trained singer.
I trained at the conservatory, sometimes the living room.
DRUMROLL Rule of three.
Rule of three.
I'm going to sing this song for you now and while we do this, Ollie, do you think you could hit me with a sort of '80s kind of soft flattering light? Right.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Very droll.
Very droll.
Without further ado, please, take it away.
MUSIC STARTS: I Know Him So Well Oh, I don't sing this bit.
INSTRUMENTAL VERSE MUSIC CONTINUES # Oh, so good # Oh, so fine # He can't be mine MUSIC CONTINUES # He needs his fantasy and freedom Sing! AUDIENCE: # I know him so well.
# Oh! # Wasn't it good? So good # Wasn't he fine? So fine # Isn't it madness? He can't be mine Aw # But in the end, he needs a little bit more than me # More security He needs his fantasy and freedom Sing! AUDIENCE: # I know him so well.
# Thank you very much.
Good night.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Myra Dubois.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE There's a lad I'm going to bring on now who is making a real name for himself on the comedy circuit and it gives me enormous pleasure to bring him on to the stage.
Please put your hands together for the fabulous Nish Kumar.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
How are you? Are you all right? AUDIENCE: Yeah! Good.
Then we can begin.
Um I'm having a mixed year of it.
About two weeks into this year, I cut my hand.
I was doing the washing up and I pushed down into a glass and the glass shattered and it slashed my hand here and I had to go to hospital and the NHS staff were incredible, they sewed up my hand.
One of them called me a brave boy LAUGHTER Which is good cos I WAS BEING one, so I don't know what you're laughing at.
But before I did that, I did something which I will never do again.
I called NHS 111.
If you don't know what this is, it's the service the Government have brought in to replace NHS Direct.
Basically, if you have a non life-threatening emergency, you're supposed to dial 111 on your phones.
I'm sure that these people are very nice, but based on my experience, they have proportionately less skill than their numerical value compared to 999 because it was the blind leading the blind.
At one point, she said, "How is the blood?" And I said, "Red.
"I have no idea.
That's why I'm calling.
" And then she said, "Is there a lot of blood?" I said, "Yes.
" And she said, "Is there enough to fill a mug?" I've absolutely no idea.
I don't wish to brag, but I have a lot of different mug sizes in my house.
Also, while this was happening, I'm just panicking.
I'm not decanting the blood, in the hope it can be poured back into my body at a later date.
She said, "Is the blood flowing or oozing?" I said, "I have absolutely no idea what the difference "is between those two things," and she said, "Oh, there's a difference.
" "How did I get into a semantic debate with you "while blood is gushing out of my hand?" And she said, "Gushing, thank you very much.
"That's all I needed to know.
" But it's a good year in a lot of ways.
It's a good time to be a non-white person living in Britain right now.
Honestly, there's nothing I can't do in Britain right now that a white person can do.
I really believe there's nothing I can't do that a white person can do.
Apart from one thing and that's play pranks at an international airport.
Because LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That is not open to you when you have the voice of Downton but the face of Homeland.
That is not an option.
But there's a lot of good stuff happening and a lot of it is quite abstract and hard to measure.
Here's a weird thing.
We might get a black James Bond.
That's incredible.
Idris Elba is one of the bookies' favourites to take over from Daniel Craig.
Hackney's own Idris Elba.
CHEERING Yeah, totally.
People seem to be happy about it, or people don't really seem to care about it.
I think 15-20 years ago, people would have been a lot angrier.
Some people are very unhappy.
I was reading an article about this and the first comment underneath the article was, "This is not a race thing" Which immediately makes me think, oh, it's a race thing.
"This is not a race thing.
It's just James Bond is not black.
" Now, I have terrible news for this person.
James Bond is not real.
He's not a real person.
It doesn't matter.
APPLAUSE And the second comment underneath that was, "This is political correctness gone mad.
"This is the ethnic-minority lobby getting their way again.
" And we all know, if the ethnic minority lobby has been campaigning for anything, it's for a black James Bond.
People have been out in the streets, "We want a black James Bond now! "Give us a black James Bond now! We will settle for a Mexican maybe.
" And who can forget the immortal words of Dr Martin Luther King - "I have a dream that one day a black man will play a fake spy.
"? And an American radio presenter said this would be like getting George Clooney to play Barack Obama.
Now, first of all, no, it isn't, and we don't have enough time to list all of the reasons why that is not the case.
I don't mean tonight, I mean the entire span of human existence and civilisation.
We don't have enough time.
But secondly, given Hollywood's history of race-based casting snafus, that is not implausible enough to be funny.
Not in a world where John Wayne once played Genghis Khan.
Google image it, he does the eyes, it's mental.
Not in a world where last year, Ridley Scott made a movie that he called a historically faithful re-enactment of Moses' life story, called Exodus.
Who did he get to play Moses? Christian Bale.
I would love to have been in the room where someone was like, "Right, we want to get back to the real story of Moses' life, "as a man who came from the Middle East.
Who can we get to play him?" "I know, has anyone seen Batman?" And certainly not in a world When I was growing up, I was watching TV with my mother one day and a movie came on about Nathuram Godse If you don't know who Godse is, Godse is the man who assassinated Gandhi.
This is a significant figure in Indian history.
My mum explained to me who it was.
I looked at the actor playing Godse and I was like, "I recognise that guy.
" The reason I recognised him is he is the man who plays the young boy in The Magnificent Seven, who is German.
And in order to cover the slight racial discrepancy between German and Indian, they had boot polished his face and you better believe he was doing an accent.
Oh, my God! His head was wobbling all over the place! No-one is allowed to do that - only real Indians.
Even I'm not supposed to be doing it.
And I'm sat there watching this man speak the way no Indian has ever spoken, going, "I am going to kill Gandhi!" I must have misread my history textbooks.
I forgot Gandhi was assassinated by Apu from the Simpsons.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, it has been an absolute privilege speaking to you tonight.
My name's Nish.
Good night.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Nish Kumar.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE That was flawless.
Flawless.
This year, I was invited to the Brit Awards, which, I have to be honest with you, it felt a little awkward cosit's the Brit Awards, look at me.
I look like someone's uncle, who'd come to pick them up.
But I got talking to a young man who'd just won a Brit award and he was such a lovely down-to-earth man.
He deserves all the success he's got now and is going to have in the future.
Taken from his number one album, Chaos And The Calm, It's James Bay, with Hold Back The River.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE # Tried to keep you close to me # But life got in between # Tried to square not being there # But it's there that I should've been # Hold back the river Let me look in your eyes # Hold back the river, so I # Can stop for a minute And see where you hide # Hold back the river, hold back # Once upon a different life # We rode our bikes into the sky # But now we're caught against the tide # Those distant days all flashing by # Hold back the river Let me look in your eyes # Hold back the river, so I # Can stop for a minute And be by your side # Hold back the river, hold back # Hold back the river Let me look in your eyes # Hold back the river, so I # Can stop for a minute And see where you hide # Hold back the river, hold back # Lonely water # Lonely water Won't you let us wander? # Let us hold each other # Hold back the river Let me look in your eyes # Hold back the river, so I # Can stop for a minute And be by your side # Hold back the river, hold back # Hold back the river Let me look in your eyes # Hold back the river, so I # Can stop for a minute And be by your side # Hold back the river, hold # Lonely water # Lonely water Won't you let us wander? # Won't you let us hold each other? # Lonely water # Lonely water Won't you let us wander? Let us hold each other.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, James Bay.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, James Bay.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE What can you say to that? So, have you had a good night tonight? AUDIENCE: Yes! Thanks for coming, thanks for watching at home.
Put your hands together for all tonight's acts.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Thank you, good night and God bless.