The Kids Are Alright (2018) s01e03 Episode Script
Microwave
1 ADULT TIMMY: The 1970s were an awesome time to be a kid.
It was the Wild West.
Bike helmets hadn't been invented yet or car seatbelts or even normal adult supervision.
Dads weren't around as much as they are now.
And my mom was busy running the house.
She had a lot on her plate and no time for tomfoolery whatever that is.
There were eight of us boys, including my oldest brother, just home from college.
That's a lot of testosterone under one roof.
[Clank, projector clicking.]
Timmy, wipe the crumbs off that and bring it here.
You think we're made of foil? - [Door opens.]
- Hey! I've got an important surprise in the car.
Who wants to help carry it in? Eddie, Frank, you do.
- Like dads since cavemen days - [Sighs.]
- Oh, boy.
- mine loved the heroic feeling of bringing something home intended to make life easier for his mate.
We are the proud recipients of our very own dielectric oven.
It heats food using small wavelength radiation.
- Radiation? - Micro-waves.
- Over here on the counter.
- On the counter? Where am I supposed to put the baby when I'm chopping things? Right up here on top.
It's a prototype from the plant.
Mr.
Crane selected us to be among the first families to try it out.
Here you go, William.
So we're guinea pigs.
We're pioneers.
Like Neil Armstrong.
And just like the astronauts, we need to log our experiences.
Plus any physical symptoms that may arise.
Symptoms? "Dizziness, wounds that won't heal, blurred vision, impotence, hallucinations" Thank you, but I don't think I need this.
[Chuckles.]
It'll cut your cooking time in half.
You had a chance to cut my cooking time in half - four kids ago.
- You are gonna love it.
Just don't put any metal in it.
- I don't want to put anything in it.
- Why no metal? Well, the scientific explanation's complicated, but the dad explanation is "shut up.
" This kind of technology helps defend America.
Then count me in.
It'll cook a hot dog in 30 seconds.
In a war, our boys will have eaten and launched their missiles while the Soviets are still - boiling their dog water.
- Nice.
JOEY: [Whispering.]
That's unbelievable.
I know.
I know.
I'll make myself scarce.
It's okay.
Come in.
Close the door.
Joey was two years older, and it was pretty huge being invited in on some secret between him and his ultra-sophisticated friend Davey.
[Burping.]
Hello, Timothy.
[Burps.]
What's the skinny? You know Barbara Eden, - the genie from "I Dream of Jeannie"? - Yeah.
Well, Davey's cousin in Maine called long distance to tell him to watch a certain show she's on tonight.
DAVEY: It's on three hours earlier back there 'cause they're all stupid farmers or something.
[Laughs.]
Apparently, she's dancing, and in the middle of it her clothes rip or something because according to Davey's cousin you can see everything.
Everything? Everything.
[Whispering.]
In the world? [Both laugh.]
Okay, your brother doesn't know jack about girls.
I guess not.
Let's go.
And just like that, I was on the outside again.
I didn't figure out what they meant by "everything" until it was way too late.
Oh! [Gasps.]
Guys! This will free up all kinds of time to do the stuff you enjoy laundry, sewing, cleaning the house.
You'll be the envy of all your friends.
I'm expected to get friends now, too? Watch what it does with an egg.
[Door opens.]
[Door closes.]
Is that a microwave oven? See? The whole town's talking about it.
- [Beeping.]
- Oh.
[Buzzing.]
Oh, Mike, I don't need this.
I promise, if you don't like it by tomorrow, you can keep trying.
Eventually, you'll like it.
I didn't realize these were approved for home use.
They're not.
They take up too much counter space.
Why is the egg shaking? It's excited about innovative technology! - [Egg explodes.]
- [Screams.]
Jiminy Christmas! [Ding.]
[Exhales sharply.]
Outstanding! - Here.
- [Gasps.]
You clean up the egg stuff, then let's blow up an orange.
[Door opens, closes.]
Doesn't sound like Dad's listening to you, Mom.
You know you have a right to be heard.
Look at you, sticking your nose in between me and your father.
You aiming for a broken home or a broken jaw? When you said something to my mom that she didn't want to hear, she tended to respond with hostility.
The more hostility, the more you knew you were onto something.
I've just been reading some psychology and Okay.
I'll stop you right there.
Your dad and I don't have any psychology.
We were raised in the Depression and had to do without.
I got this orange from Mrs.
Strausser's tree.
It dropped on our side after I beat the branch with a rake.
- We also got a new Frisbee.
- Lawrence read a book and thinks he can analyze our psychology.
Oh, don't waste your time.
We're 100% normal.
Now let's make this fruit ball go boom.
[Birds chirping.]
I should really cut down on these.
Mm, you know what? Try one of mine.
- They're mild.
- Hmm.
Chicago should be getting their glimpse of Eden - right about now.
- [Chuckles.]
Unlike nowadays when every aspect of female anatomy is only a mouse-click away, in 1972 the level of ignorance in a house with all boys was staggering.
I know what you guys were talking about.
What show is Barbara Eden gonna be on tonight? We can't let you in on this.
It might scar you.
Well, I wanna be scarred.
- Tell me.
- [Chuckles.]
"The Bob Hope Special," 9:00.
And according to my cousin, you can see it all.
The whole kit and caboodle.
Both? [Both laugh.]
Obviously you don't know much, so let me teach you the basics.
First off, girls' penises are totally different from ours - [Ding.]
- Food's ready! Possibly.
No guarantees.
Look at us! It's like dinnertime on Apollo 16.
So far, this thing hasn't saved me one minute.
And every time I turn it on, the neighborhood dogs circle the house and bark.
- Seriously? - [Beep.]
- [Buzzing.]
- [Dogs barking.]
- That is valuable data.
- Yeah.
William, make a note.
Dogs love the microwave.
- [Barking continues.]
- Get away from our house! Timmy and I call the TV for tonight.
We got a show we want to watch.
It's educational.
Sorry, there's a program I'm looking forward to.
- Mom, no! - "The Bob Hope Special" is on.
Okay, your house, your rules.
MIKE: That man helped us win three wars.
If it weren't for Bob, you'd be watching "The Ho Chi Minh Show" tonight.
Peg, maybe tomorrow you can microwave that casserole thing you do, you know, with the tater-tots, chipped beef, and the French dressing Give away my recipe, why don't you? No, tomorrow night, we're going to the Hawaiian Luau Dinner Dance at the church.
Sorry, Peg.
That dinner thing's a no.
I promised the boys I'd take them to the Dodger game.
[Gasps.]
It's Bat Night! I told you about this weeks ago.
Was the TV on? 'Cause if it was, that's on you.
Yeah, well, bring me a bat from Bat Night so I can get your attention.
My mom didn't socialize often because she didn't much like people, but the occasional dinner out with my dad was something she looked forward to.
This pizza's like rubber.
It's better this way.
Makes eating it last longer.
Ow! I burnt my tongue.
Yeah, mine's frozen solid.
Peggy, what did you do wrong? What I did wrong was let you bring that crazy food robot into my home.
All right, tonight after supper, William and I are gonna roll up our sleeves and tackle this thing.
Call your wife.
Tell her you might be home late.
[Clicks tongue.]
This fish stick is burning my tongue! Here.
Ice it down with this.
All right, William, cream of tomato soup at two minutes warm and savory.
Two minutes, four seconds Manson crime scene.
"Manson crime scene.
" [Up-tempo music playing.]
Everything all right in my kitchen, Mike? MIKE: Never better! ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the Bob Hope Summer Extravaganza.
[Music continues.]
You boys seem awfully excited.
It's an extravaganza.
That means there's extra vaganza.
[Stifled laugh.]
Oh, is it cool if my friend Davey comes over and watches with us? Of course Davey's welcome.
I know this is the time of night his mother gets into her wine.
- [Door opens.]
- And when that woman gets started - [Door closes.]
- Hello, Davey! Hey.
Hi, Mrs.
Cleary.
Thanks for having me over.
You mind if I watch this? My mom's watching something else.
- So she was awake when you left, then? - Yes.
That's encouraging.
We fixed it so the neighborhood dogs stop barking.
Who's up for a baked potato? No one wants a baked potato at 9:00 at night.
This isn't Europe.
A dessert potato? Take five minutes to think about it.
The potatoes will be done in two! Let's light 'em up.
The gang out there is hollering for taters! - [Beep.]
- Wow, you're really invested in that device, Dad.
Oh, it's an honor.
I was the first employee Mr.
Crane asked to test it after Bob Brogan chickened out because of the metal plate in his head.
Poor Bob Brogan.
A plate in his head and no microwave.
Hmm.
I've heard of Off-Broadway, - but this is ridiculous.
- [Laughter.]
One year you don't send a Christmas card to your agent, - look where he sends you.
- [Laughter.]
If you boys really don't like this, I guess we can turn on something else.
- Oh, no! - No.
No, we love it.
It's We're laughing on the inside.
It was quite a trip.
Eight hours for flight and two days to get your luggage.
[Loud, forced laughter.]
- Luggage.
[Chuckles.]
- [Laughing.]
Yeah.
- We'll be right back.
- [Applause.]
[Mid-tempo music plays.]
I just mean that your sense of selfworth is is maybe tied to your work.
What's tied to it is my paycheck.
Well, it looks like Mr.
Crane's regard - is really important to you.
- It's because he's my friend.
And what does your friend Mr.
Crane call you? - [Ding.]
- He calls me "Mike" - [Microwave door opens.]
- 'cause we're friends.
- [Sizzle.]
[Groans.]
- Aah! Man overboard! We'll give that one to Davey.
Our next guest comes to us straight from inside her bottle.
[Quietly.]
Just like Davey's mom.
Please welcome one dynamite lady, Miss Barbara Eden.
What goes up got to come down MIKE: A tiny delay on the spuds, boys.
- Spinning wheel got to go 'round - Peggy, we have any chives? I'm watching a show.
Well, your kitchen's a mess.
Frankly, I can't find anything.
Talking 'bout your troubles, it's a crying sin Ride a painted pony, let the spinning wheel spin We all right with you kids watching this? - Got no money and you got no home - It's America's Bob Hope.
Spinning wheel All alone Oh, for the love of Pete! Ride a painted pony, let the spinning wheel spin What's that? I tried to heat up some cobbler.
You ruined my best Tupperware.
No, it's an old margarine tub.
Exactly, my best Tupperware.
MIKE: See what I mean about the mess in there, Peg? [Doors open, close.]
ADULT TIMMY: My mom always tried her best to avoid arguing with my dad, but she had ways of expressing herself nonverbally.
[Metal clangs.]
Not the best approach - to conflict resolution - [Beep.]
but better than her first choice - throwing it at his head.
- [Sparking.]
W-Wait.
W-W-What's happening? This happens sometimes.
Wiggle the antennae.
[Static.]
Not up and down.
Side to side.
Is that better? No, it's worse.
That's worse.
- Go back to where you were.
- [Sniffs.]
What?! No, no.
Davey, this way, this way, this way.
The microwave! [Flatly.]
Oh, no.
[Electricity crackling.]
[Buzzing.]
No! Move it this way! Move it Yeah! Yeah! - Yes! - Yes! [Sighs.]
- [Ding.]
- [Both scream.]
[Static.]
TOGETHER: N-o-o-o-o-o! - PEGGY: Oatmeal, Mike? - [Andy coos.]
Have to warn you, it'll be 30 seconds longer since we don't have that thing anymore.
It's interesting.
You know what I found in here? Something metal.
- Something metal? - How could that have happened? - I don't know.
- Hmm.
But I have a theory.
Me too.
What's yours? We'll see if they match.
Has to be one of the kids.
Bingo.
Probably not Andy, though.
- [Andy coos.]
- Probably.
Maybe there'll be a rerun? Not after grown-ups get wind of this.
I heard the camera man got arrested.
If only there was a way to see something on TV again - after it's already been on.
- [Chuckles.]
That technology exists, gentlemen.
My brother was watching at his friend's last night, - and he took a picture.
- No way.
Right at the moment of truth.
[High-pitched voice.]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Be cool.
- [Normal voice.]
Sorry.
Now, listen, if we rush to the drug store right now, we get it back in no time.
10 days tops.
No.
We go to Fotomat.
For a little extra bread, you get your pictures in 24 hours.
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
MIKE: All Cleary boys to the living room! Now! All right, smartest thing the guilty party could do would be confess before I even bring up the crime.
I did it.
- You did? - I think so.
Then what did you do? I don't really know.
I kind of just panicked.
Someone put something metal in our very important microwave and broke it.
Oh, no.
I didn't do that.
Someone did it.
And we're not leaving this room until your dad and I find out who it was.
I'll stay here all night.
Can we watch TV? Try it.
- Try turning it on.
- I'm good.
- Can I pee? - MIKE: Nope.
That microwave was a technological marvel, a wonder of modern science, and then some fiend destroyed it.
Frankly, I'm disgusted.
And since none of you are man enough to admit to your crime, the Dodger game tonight is off.
- What?! - Are you serious? But it's Bat Night! Oh I know.
Mike, it doesn't seem right to punish everyone because your contraption got ruined in a mystery we may never solve.
No confession, no Dodgers.
- [Scoffs.]
- [Sighs.]
Okay.
Look, um I'm sorry.
Uh the truth is Instead, your mom and I are gonna go to that stupid dinner dance.
It's exactly the right call.
You boys will thank us one day.
I'm gonna go pick out a dress.
What goes up Must come down Spinning wheel got to go 'round - Hi.
I'm here to drop off pictures.
- Talking 'bout your troubles - It's a crying sin - Cool.
What's the name? - Ride a painted pony - Jorgellington.
Let the spinning wheel spin "J," like Jackson.
- Okay.
- "O," like ostrich.
[Indistinct conversations.]
MIKE: How much more dancing until we get to sit down? You're not any worse than any of the other husbands.
Except for Herb Milbank.
He and Katy took lessons at Arthur Murray.
What a loser.
Sad, really.
I guess I'm still bugged about the microwave.
No one has a right to be more upset than me.
I'm the one who doesn't get to use it anymore.
Aloha.
Ahiahi, Mike and Peggy.
Concentrate.
You'd think they'd be embarrassed.
[Sighs.]
I'm kicking myself now for not ordering the double prints.
My friend Todd's a good tracer.
He can mock something up for us pretty quickly.
Hey.
A lot of whispering going on between you two lately.
Anything you'd care to open up about? What? We weren't whispering.
Guys, can you come in here a minute? - The Dodgers are on.
- Yeah.
Circle up.
It'll just take a second.
I want to rap.
Oh, geez.
He's sitting backwards.
Sensing a bad vibe in the house about what happened to the microwave.
Now, I'm not interested in placing blame or narcing on anyone Then I'm out.
[Sighs.]
but I believe that Dad put a lot of his self-worth inside that little, metal box.
And whoever blew it up, in a way, also blew up Dad.
And, until he gets closure on this, it's gonna be really hard for him, and he's just gonna keep punishing everybody.
Like you not letting us watch the Dodger game? So, if any of us is carrying around a heavy secret, I'm here to facilitate getting it off your chest.
I haven't read the whole Bible, but pretty sure when you quit the seminary, you lose your confession license.
Right on.
I've said my piece.
Wait a minute.
- Yes, William? - Has it occurred to you that maybe you're throwing all this psychology at everybody else as a way of ignoring your own issues? What do you What do you mean? It seems like since you gave up the priesthood, you've lost your sense of identity, so you started poking at all of us because it's scary to look at yourself and realize that you're not that special anymore.
Do you think maybe that's what's going on here? Heavy truths from a tiny man.
You've given me a lot to chew on.
Thanks, buddy.
That was amazing.
How did you do that? I just started talking like him.
I think that's all he wanted.
[Up-tempo music playing.]
Don't they ever get tired of making a spectacle? Sabotaged by one of my own kids.
Oh, let it go.
Try to enjoy your poi.
What kind of monsters are we raising? They're animals.
They eat dirt.
They fall off things.
They save their farts in jars.
Probably put that fork in there just to see what would happen.
I never said it was a fork.
Sure you did.
All I said was something metal.
No, you said fork.
I'm sure you All right, I hated that thing.
My God, it was you.
Look, I told you I didn't want it in my kitchen, which is my domain, but you never listen! You always do things your way, like you're Frank Sinatra.
You stuck a knife in my back with a fork! I'm a housewife, Mike.
I'm not some space woman from "Star Trek.
" I want to cook normal food my own way in my own house, except for the one night a year when I want to eat out and go dancing because it's our anniversary! And you wanted to go to Bat Night.
- [Scoffs.]
- Wait, our our anniversary.
- Today? - Mm.
Tonight? Wh Why didn't you tell me? I did, but you never listen.
ADULT TIMMY: It was a magnificent coup de grace by my mother, particularly because it wasn't their anniversary.
In a tight spot, my mom was known to push this button up to four times a year.
This was unforgivable.
Peg, I I am so sorry.
Well I'm sorry, too, for the much less bad thing that I did.
I guess I wasn't listening to you about the microwave because I was so excited thinking that I might be able to help you.
Help me? With what? I see how you slave for me and the kids.
Shovelling food into us all day - like it's feeding time at SeaWorld.
- Oh.
I thought maybe that stupid machine could make things easier, maybe make you happy.
Oh, hon.
I don't want to be happy.
I like things just the way they are.
I'll do a much better job listening.
I promise.
I'm a big dope, and I'd be lost without you.
Okay, then.
And I'll try to remember anniversaries.
I guess I could write it down.
Aww, don't worry.
I'll remind you.
Guys, wait.
What if the Fotomat guy peeked and called the authorities? Lewis is cool.
He's done jobs for me before.
What if Timmy's right? Maybe just one of us should go.
[Breathing heavily.]
[Deep voice.]
Good morning.
The name is Jorgellington.
Here you go.
$11.
47.
[Tires screech.]
[Brakes squeal.]
[Gasps.]
[Normal voice.]
Thank you! [Police radio chatter.]
[Out of breath.]
Oh, that was close.
That cop might still be on my tail! You should lay low for a few days.
I know a safe house in Eagle Rock.
Boring stuff at Davey's place, your mom asleep on the sofa, your mom asleep on the floor.
Oh, my God.
There it is.
The legend of Barbara Eden's "Bob Hope Show" was one of those great urban myths which sweep across schoolyards from time to time.
- Let me see it.
Joey.
- There was absolutely nothing to see - [Indistinct shouting.]
- but nearly every pre-pubescent boy in America claimed he had seen it.
- I've never seen anything like it.
- Me neither! I-I mean I've seen plenty, just not one exactly like it.
You can see everything.
Sure, that photo was just a picture of Davey's brother's thumb, but it started me and Joey on a path of raunchy, wonderful boy adventures all through adolescence and beyond.
Ooh, la, la.
I love you, Barbara Eden.
My dad never gave up embracing new technology and trying to make things better for my mother.
- [Grunts.]
- It's called the Strap Vac.
Instead of pushing it, you carry it on your back around the house.
Less work.
[Sighs.]
For who? The vacuum? And he eventually repaired the microwave and Mom made her peace with it as long as it stayed out in the garage.
[Ding.]
Here you go.
Mm! Toasty! You're the best cook ever, Mom! [Dogs barking in distance.]
It's not even on anymore!
It was the Wild West.
Bike helmets hadn't been invented yet or car seatbelts or even normal adult supervision.
Dads weren't around as much as they are now.
And my mom was busy running the house.
She had a lot on her plate and no time for tomfoolery whatever that is.
There were eight of us boys, including my oldest brother, just home from college.
That's a lot of testosterone under one roof.
[Clank, projector clicking.]
Timmy, wipe the crumbs off that and bring it here.
You think we're made of foil? - [Door opens.]
- Hey! I've got an important surprise in the car.
Who wants to help carry it in? Eddie, Frank, you do.
- Like dads since cavemen days - [Sighs.]
- Oh, boy.
- mine loved the heroic feeling of bringing something home intended to make life easier for his mate.
We are the proud recipients of our very own dielectric oven.
It heats food using small wavelength radiation.
- Radiation? - Micro-waves.
- Over here on the counter.
- On the counter? Where am I supposed to put the baby when I'm chopping things? Right up here on top.
It's a prototype from the plant.
Mr.
Crane selected us to be among the first families to try it out.
Here you go, William.
So we're guinea pigs.
We're pioneers.
Like Neil Armstrong.
And just like the astronauts, we need to log our experiences.
Plus any physical symptoms that may arise.
Symptoms? "Dizziness, wounds that won't heal, blurred vision, impotence, hallucinations" Thank you, but I don't think I need this.
[Chuckles.]
It'll cut your cooking time in half.
You had a chance to cut my cooking time in half - four kids ago.
- You are gonna love it.
Just don't put any metal in it.
- I don't want to put anything in it.
- Why no metal? Well, the scientific explanation's complicated, but the dad explanation is "shut up.
" This kind of technology helps defend America.
Then count me in.
It'll cook a hot dog in 30 seconds.
In a war, our boys will have eaten and launched their missiles while the Soviets are still - boiling their dog water.
- Nice.
JOEY: [Whispering.]
That's unbelievable.
I know.
I know.
I'll make myself scarce.
It's okay.
Come in.
Close the door.
Joey was two years older, and it was pretty huge being invited in on some secret between him and his ultra-sophisticated friend Davey.
[Burping.]
Hello, Timothy.
[Burps.]
What's the skinny? You know Barbara Eden, - the genie from "I Dream of Jeannie"? - Yeah.
Well, Davey's cousin in Maine called long distance to tell him to watch a certain show she's on tonight.
DAVEY: It's on three hours earlier back there 'cause they're all stupid farmers or something.
[Laughs.]
Apparently, she's dancing, and in the middle of it her clothes rip or something because according to Davey's cousin you can see everything.
Everything? Everything.
[Whispering.]
In the world? [Both laugh.]
Okay, your brother doesn't know jack about girls.
I guess not.
Let's go.
And just like that, I was on the outside again.
I didn't figure out what they meant by "everything" until it was way too late.
Oh! [Gasps.]
Guys! This will free up all kinds of time to do the stuff you enjoy laundry, sewing, cleaning the house.
You'll be the envy of all your friends.
I'm expected to get friends now, too? Watch what it does with an egg.
[Door opens.]
[Door closes.]
Is that a microwave oven? See? The whole town's talking about it.
- [Beeping.]
- Oh.
[Buzzing.]
Oh, Mike, I don't need this.
I promise, if you don't like it by tomorrow, you can keep trying.
Eventually, you'll like it.
I didn't realize these were approved for home use.
They're not.
They take up too much counter space.
Why is the egg shaking? It's excited about innovative technology! - [Egg explodes.]
- [Screams.]
Jiminy Christmas! [Ding.]
[Exhales sharply.]
Outstanding! - Here.
- [Gasps.]
You clean up the egg stuff, then let's blow up an orange.
[Door opens, closes.]
Doesn't sound like Dad's listening to you, Mom.
You know you have a right to be heard.
Look at you, sticking your nose in between me and your father.
You aiming for a broken home or a broken jaw? When you said something to my mom that she didn't want to hear, she tended to respond with hostility.
The more hostility, the more you knew you were onto something.
I've just been reading some psychology and Okay.
I'll stop you right there.
Your dad and I don't have any psychology.
We were raised in the Depression and had to do without.
I got this orange from Mrs.
Strausser's tree.
It dropped on our side after I beat the branch with a rake.
- We also got a new Frisbee.
- Lawrence read a book and thinks he can analyze our psychology.
Oh, don't waste your time.
We're 100% normal.
Now let's make this fruit ball go boom.
[Birds chirping.]
I should really cut down on these.
Mm, you know what? Try one of mine.
- They're mild.
- Hmm.
Chicago should be getting their glimpse of Eden - right about now.
- [Chuckles.]
Unlike nowadays when every aspect of female anatomy is only a mouse-click away, in 1972 the level of ignorance in a house with all boys was staggering.
I know what you guys were talking about.
What show is Barbara Eden gonna be on tonight? We can't let you in on this.
It might scar you.
Well, I wanna be scarred.
- Tell me.
- [Chuckles.]
"The Bob Hope Special," 9:00.
And according to my cousin, you can see it all.
The whole kit and caboodle.
Both? [Both laugh.]
Obviously you don't know much, so let me teach you the basics.
First off, girls' penises are totally different from ours - [Ding.]
- Food's ready! Possibly.
No guarantees.
Look at us! It's like dinnertime on Apollo 16.
So far, this thing hasn't saved me one minute.
And every time I turn it on, the neighborhood dogs circle the house and bark.
- Seriously? - [Beep.]
- [Buzzing.]
- [Dogs barking.]
- That is valuable data.
- Yeah.
William, make a note.
Dogs love the microwave.
- [Barking continues.]
- Get away from our house! Timmy and I call the TV for tonight.
We got a show we want to watch.
It's educational.
Sorry, there's a program I'm looking forward to.
- Mom, no! - "The Bob Hope Special" is on.
Okay, your house, your rules.
MIKE: That man helped us win three wars.
If it weren't for Bob, you'd be watching "The Ho Chi Minh Show" tonight.
Peg, maybe tomorrow you can microwave that casserole thing you do, you know, with the tater-tots, chipped beef, and the French dressing Give away my recipe, why don't you? No, tomorrow night, we're going to the Hawaiian Luau Dinner Dance at the church.
Sorry, Peg.
That dinner thing's a no.
I promised the boys I'd take them to the Dodger game.
[Gasps.]
It's Bat Night! I told you about this weeks ago.
Was the TV on? 'Cause if it was, that's on you.
Yeah, well, bring me a bat from Bat Night so I can get your attention.
My mom didn't socialize often because she didn't much like people, but the occasional dinner out with my dad was something she looked forward to.
This pizza's like rubber.
It's better this way.
Makes eating it last longer.
Ow! I burnt my tongue.
Yeah, mine's frozen solid.
Peggy, what did you do wrong? What I did wrong was let you bring that crazy food robot into my home.
All right, tonight after supper, William and I are gonna roll up our sleeves and tackle this thing.
Call your wife.
Tell her you might be home late.
[Clicks tongue.]
This fish stick is burning my tongue! Here.
Ice it down with this.
All right, William, cream of tomato soup at two minutes warm and savory.
Two minutes, four seconds Manson crime scene.
"Manson crime scene.
" [Up-tempo music playing.]
Everything all right in my kitchen, Mike? MIKE: Never better! ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the Bob Hope Summer Extravaganza.
[Music continues.]
You boys seem awfully excited.
It's an extravaganza.
That means there's extra vaganza.
[Stifled laugh.]
Oh, is it cool if my friend Davey comes over and watches with us? Of course Davey's welcome.
I know this is the time of night his mother gets into her wine.
- [Door opens.]
- And when that woman gets started - [Door closes.]
- Hello, Davey! Hey.
Hi, Mrs.
Cleary.
Thanks for having me over.
You mind if I watch this? My mom's watching something else.
- So she was awake when you left, then? - Yes.
That's encouraging.
We fixed it so the neighborhood dogs stop barking.
Who's up for a baked potato? No one wants a baked potato at 9:00 at night.
This isn't Europe.
A dessert potato? Take five minutes to think about it.
The potatoes will be done in two! Let's light 'em up.
The gang out there is hollering for taters! - [Beep.]
- Wow, you're really invested in that device, Dad.
Oh, it's an honor.
I was the first employee Mr.
Crane asked to test it after Bob Brogan chickened out because of the metal plate in his head.
Poor Bob Brogan.
A plate in his head and no microwave.
Hmm.
I've heard of Off-Broadway, - but this is ridiculous.
- [Laughter.]
One year you don't send a Christmas card to your agent, - look where he sends you.
- [Laughter.]
If you boys really don't like this, I guess we can turn on something else.
- Oh, no! - No.
No, we love it.
It's We're laughing on the inside.
It was quite a trip.
Eight hours for flight and two days to get your luggage.
[Loud, forced laughter.]
- Luggage.
[Chuckles.]
- [Laughing.]
Yeah.
- We'll be right back.
- [Applause.]
[Mid-tempo music plays.]
I just mean that your sense of selfworth is is maybe tied to your work.
What's tied to it is my paycheck.
Well, it looks like Mr.
Crane's regard - is really important to you.
- It's because he's my friend.
And what does your friend Mr.
Crane call you? - [Ding.]
- He calls me "Mike" - [Microwave door opens.]
- 'cause we're friends.
- [Sizzle.]
[Groans.]
- Aah! Man overboard! We'll give that one to Davey.
Our next guest comes to us straight from inside her bottle.
[Quietly.]
Just like Davey's mom.
Please welcome one dynamite lady, Miss Barbara Eden.
What goes up got to come down MIKE: A tiny delay on the spuds, boys.
- Spinning wheel got to go 'round - Peggy, we have any chives? I'm watching a show.
Well, your kitchen's a mess.
Frankly, I can't find anything.
Talking 'bout your troubles, it's a crying sin Ride a painted pony, let the spinning wheel spin We all right with you kids watching this? - Got no money and you got no home - It's America's Bob Hope.
Spinning wheel All alone Oh, for the love of Pete! Ride a painted pony, let the spinning wheel spin What's that? I tried to heat up some cobbler.
You ruined my best Tupperware.
No, it's an old margarine tub.
Exactly, my best Tupperware.
MIKE: See what I mean about the mess in there, Peg? [Doors open, close.]
ADULT TIMMY: My mom always tried her best to avoid arguing with my dad, but she had ways of expressing herself nonverbally.
[Metal clangs.]
Not the best approach - to conflict resolution - [Beep.]
but better than her first choice - throwing it at his head.
- [Sparking.]
W-Wait.
W-W-What's happening? This happens sometimes.
Wiggle the antennae.
[Static.]
Not up and down.
Side to side.
Is that better? No, it's worse.
That's worse.
- Go back to where you were.
- [Sniffs.]
What?! No, no.
Davey, this way, this way, this way.
The microwave! [Flatly.]
Oh, no.
[Electricity crackling.]
[Buzzing.]
No! Move it this way! Move it Yeah! Yeah! - Yes! - Yes! [Sighs.]
- [Ding.]
- [Both scream.]
[Static.]
TOGETHER: N-o-o-o-o-o! - PEGGY: Oatmeal, Mike? - [Andy coos.]
Have to warn you, it'll be 30 seconds longer since we don't have that thing anymore.
It's interesting.
You know what I found in here? Something metal.
- Something metal? - How could that have happened? - I don't know.
- Hmm.
But I have a theory.
Me too.
What's yours? We'll see if they match.
Has to be one of the kids.
Bingo.
Probably not Andy, though.
- [Andy coos.]
- Probably.
Maybe there'll be a rerun? Not after grown-ups get wind of this.
I heard the camera man got arrested.
If only there was a way to see something on TV again - after it's already been on.
- [Chuckles.]
That technology exists, gentlemen.
My brother was watching at his friend's last night, - and he took a picture.
- No way.
Right at the moment of truth.
[High-pitched voice.]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Be cool.
- [Normal voice.]
Sorry.
Now, listen, if we rush to the drug store right now, we get it back in no time.
10 days tops.
No.
We go to Fotomat.
For a little extra bread, you get your pictures in 24 hours.
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
MIKE: All Cleary boys to the living room! Now! All right, smartest thing the guilty party could do would be confess before I even bring up the crime.
I did it.
- You did? - I think so.
Then what did you do? I don't really know.
I kind of just panicked.
Someone put something metal in our very important microwave and broke it.
Oh, no.
I didn't do that.
Someone did it.
And we're not leaving this room until your dad and I find out who it was.
I'll stay here all night.
Can we watch TV? Try it.
- Try turning it on.
- I'm good.
- Can I pee? - MIKE: Nope.
That microwave was a technological marvel, a wonder of modern science, and then some fiend destroyed it.
Frankly, I'm disgusted.
And since none of you are man enough to admit to your crime, the Dodger game tonight is off.
- What?! - Are you serious? But it's Bat Night! Oh I know.
Mike, it doesn't seem right to punish everyone because your contraption got ruined in a mystery we may never solve.
No confession, no Dodgers.
- [Scoffs.]
- [Sighs.]
Okay.
Look, um I'm sorry.
Uh the truth is Instead, your mom and I are gonna go to that stupid dinner dance.
It's exactly the right call.
You boys will thank us one day.
I'm gonna go pick out a dress.
What goes up Must come down Spinning wheel got to go 'round - Hi.
I'm here to drop off pictures.
- Talking 'bout your troubles - It's a crying sin - Cool.
What's the name? - Ride a painted pony - Jorgellington.
Let the spinning wheel spin "J," like Jackson.
- Okay.
- "O," like ostrich.
[Indistinct conversations.]
MIKE: How much more dancing until we get to sit down? You're not any worse than any of the other husbands.
Except for Herb Milbank.
He and Katy took lessons at Arthur Murray.
What a loser.
Sad, really.
I guess I'm still bugged about the microwave.
No one has a right to be more upset than me.
I'm the one who doesn't get to use it anymore.
Aloha.
Ahiahi, Mike and Peggy.
Concentrate.
You'd think they'd be embarrassed.
[Sighs.]
I'm kicking myself now for not ordering the double prints.
My friend Todd's a good tracer.
He can mock something up for us pretty quickly.
Hey.
A lot of whispering going on between you two lately.
Anything you'd care to open up about? What? We weren't whispering.
Guys, can you come in here a minute? - The Dodgers are on.
- Yeah.
Circle up.
It'll just take a second.
I want to rap.
Oh, geez.
He's sitting backwards.
Sensing a bad vibe in the house about what happened to the microwave.
Now, I'm not interested in placing blame or narcing on anyone Then I'm out.
[Sighs.]
but I believe that Dad put a lot of his self-worth inside that little, metal box.
And whoever blew it up, in a way, also blew up Dad.
And, until he gets closure on this, it's gonna be really hard for him, and he's just gonna keep punishing everybody.
Like you not letting us watch the Dodger game? So, if any of us is carrying around a heavy secret, I'm here to facilitate getting it off your chest.
I haven't read the whole Bible, but pretty sure when you quit the seminary, you lose your confession license.
Right on.
I've said my piece.
Wait a minute.
- Yes, William? - Has it occurred to you that maybe you're throwing all this psychology at everybody else as a way of ignoring your own issues? What do you What do you mean? It seems like since you gave up the priesthood, you've lost your sense of identity, so you started poking at all of us because it's scary to look at yourself and realize that you're not that special anymore.
Do you think maybe that's what's going on here? Heavy truths from a tiny man.
You've given me a lot to chew on.
Thanks, buddy.
That was amazing.
How did you do that? I just started talking like him.
I think that's all he wanted.
[Up-tempo music playing.]
Don't they ever get tired of making a spectacle? Sabotaged by one of my own kids.
Oh, let it go.
Try to enjoy your poi.
What kind of monsters are we raising? They're animals.
They eat dirt.
They fall off things.
They save their farts in jars.
Probably put that fork in there just to see what would happen.
I never said it was a fork.
Sure you did.
All I said was something metal.
No, you said fork.
I'm sure you All right, I hated that thing.
My God, it was you.
Look, I told you I didn't want it in my kitchen, which is my domain, but you never listen! You always do things your way, like you're Frank Sinatra.
You stuck a knife in my back with a fork! I'm a housewife, Mike.
I'm not some space woman from "Star Trek.
" I want to cook normal food my own way in my own house, except for the one night a year when I want to eat out and go dancing because it's our anniversary! And you wanted to go to Bat Night.
- [Scoffs.]
- Wait, our our anniversary.
- Today? - Mm.
Tonight? Wh Why didn't you tell me? I did, but you never listen.
ADULT TIMMY: It was a magnificent coup de grace by my mother, particularly because it wasn't their anniversary.
In a tight spot, my mom was known to push this button up to four times a year.
This was unforgivable.
Peg, I I am so sorry.
Well I'm sorry, too, for the much less bad thing that I did.
I guess I wasn't listening to you about the microwave because I was so excited thinking that I might be able to help you.
Help me? With what? I see how you slave for me and the kids.
Shovelling food into us all day - like it's feeding time at SeaWorld.
- Oh.
I thought maybe that stupid machine could make things easier, maybe make you happy.
Oh, hon.
I don't want to be happy.
I like things just the way they are.
I'll do a much better job listening.
I promise.
I'm a big dope, and I'd be lost without you.
Okay, then.
And I'll try to remember anniversaries.
I guess I could write it down.
Aww, don't worry.
I'll remind you.
Guys, wait.
What if the Fotomat guy peeked and called the authorities? Lewis is cool.
He's done jobs for me before.
What if Timmy's right? Maybe just one of us should go.
[Breathing heavily.]
[Deep voice.]
Good morning.
The name is Jorgellington.
Here you go.
$11.
47.
[Tires screech.]
[Brakes squeal.]
[Gasps.]
[Normal voice.]
Thank you! [Police radio chatter.]
[Out of breath.]
Oh, that was close.
That cop might still be on my tail! You should lay low for a few days.
I know a safe house in Eagle Rock.
Boring stuff at Davey's place, your mom asleep on the sofa, your mom asleep on the floor.
Oh, my God.
There it is.
The legend of Barbara Eden's "Bob Hope Show" was one of those great urban myths which sweep across schoolyards from time to time.
- Let me see it.
Joey.
- There was absolutely nothing to see - [Indistinct shouting.]
- but nearly every pre-pubescent boy in America claimed he had seen it.
- I've never seen anything like it.
- Me neither! I-I mean I've seen plenty, just not one exactly like it.
You can see everything.
Sure, that photo was just a picture of Davey's brother's thumb, but it started me and Joey on a path of raunchy, wonderful boy adventures all through adolescence and beyond.
Ooh, la, la.
I love you, Barbara Eden.
My dad never gave up embracing new technology and trying to make things better for my mother.
- [Grunts.]
- It's called the Strap Vac.
Instead of pushing it, you carry it on your back around the house.
Less work.
[Sighs.]
For who? The vacuum? And he eventually repaired the microwave and Mom made her peace with it as long as it stayed out in the garage.
[Ding.]
Here you go.
Mm! Toasty! You're the best cook ever, Mom! [Dogs barking in distance.]
It's not even on anymore!