The Kids Are Alright (2018) s01e11 Episode Script

Mailbox

Ah, thanks for the driving lesson.
- Sorry about my language.
- That's okay, Mrs.
Cleary.
I live near a construction site.
I just think it's exciting that you're taking this step towards your independence as a woman.
I'm learning to drive as a person, not as a woman.
If I were learning as a woman, I'd have you teach me how to drive badly.
That's one of Mike's jokes.
Which is why I'm not letting him teach me.
- Welcome home, ladies.
- Oh, jeez, Frank, you're always somewhere.
Wendi, I heard you went to that Germaine Greer book-signing.
Have you read "The Female Eunuch"? Sadly, I can't.
That's in the adult section at the library.
I only have the light blue card.
- Well, you can borrow mine.
- Thank you.
Just please don't tell Mrs.
Cryer, the head librarian.
She holds me in such high regard.
The most dangerous thing around my house growing up wasn't the power mower or the asbestos in the ceiling.
It was a bored Cleary boy looking to stir things up.
She's such a nice girl.
Exactly.
Not my type at all.
But I could have used some lab goggles, 'cause you two have real chemistry.
What? That's crazy.
Come on, the old "lendy-loo" with the book? She made up an excuse to see you again.
So you can exchange thoughts.
And perhaps, saliva.
Stop.
That's disgusting.
But really? You think? Who's up for some SAT prep? That's a "rhetorical" question, right? See? No need to study.
Can you believe someone threw this away? It doesn't even have a shade.
We have a little saying in the garbage game the alley will provide.
Your friends on the truck should have another saying "I should have studied for the SATs.
" It's just a summer job, but it rules.
I'm outside.
It's exercise.
I'm cleaning up this town.
I'm like a superhero Garbage Man! Or Trash Man? Which do you like? I prefer your secret identity, mild-mannered Eddie who wants to get into Berkeley with his girlfriend.
I need you to take the SAT this summer so you can take it again in the fall - and maybe get your score up.
- Assuming I don't get a perfect score first time out.
Yeah, let's take that leap.
Now, can we please study? Ugh, I've been up since 6:00 a.
m.
Want to make out by the light of the garbage lamp? This is the third time I've been over this week, and I can't get you to focus on the test.
It's like a million years from now.
It's 11 days.
I should probably register.
What? It's too late! Now I'm really annoyed.
I'm starting to feel like I care more about your future than you do.
- I can't make you do this, Eddie.
- That's a relief.
It's not a relief.
It's a big problem.
Maybe we just go to city college for a while.
No way.
I want to get out of here and do something with my life.
I heard they have a class that goes to a real farm.
We shouldn't even be talking about Wendi.
She's Eddie's girlfriend.
But you two are such a better match.
She may be dating Eddie just to get close to you.
I know that's what I'd do.
If you were interested in me, you would date Eddie? 100%.
It's the smart play.
Huh.
This is starting to make a lot of sense now.
Hey! Where are you going? That's exactly what I'm asking myself.
I need to be with someone who wants what I want.
I totally do.
Just explain again what it is, - and I'll want it.
- You can't do it for me.
You've got to want it for yourself.
Then I'll want it for myself, if that's what you want.
Eddie, I'm not going to let you hold me back.
I think we should take a break.
For how long? I guess for always? The smart, mature choice would be to face facts now and end this.
I'm sorry.
Perfect time to make your move.
I did it.
I wrote it all down in a letter to Wendi.
A letter plays to your strengths.
People like you more when you're not in the room.
Oh, totally! Plus, I'd get nervous if I had to pour my heart out - like this in person.
- Sounds juicy.
"Dear Wendi, Statistics show college graduates earn on average 52% more than their non-college counterparts.
" - You don't mess around, do you? - There's more.
Keep reading.
"And as a fellow honors student " Enough with the brainy stuff.
- Talk about your bod.
- You think? And don't forget your other accomplishments don't you know how to use nunchucks? Plus I just got an award for penmanship.
She's got eyes.
She'll see that for herself.
Hey, Mom.
Mom.
We decided we want to camp out in the yard tonight.
Oh, a do-it-yourself vacation.
I like the resourcefulness, and the price tag.
Fine, but I want somebody keeping an eye on you.
Other than the weird guy who lives in the apartment building.
I'm the oldest.
I'll keep everyone safe.
In that case, take this.
Coming, Andy! Oh, Hells bells, is Weepy Magee still milking that breakup? It was only 20 minutes ago.
And what's this gonna do to my friendship with Wendi, huh? Did Eddie even think about that before he went and got himself dumped? Does that kid ever think about anything? You should probably go talk to him.
Please Peg, don't make me go back in there.
Eddie needs someone to tell him he's a great guy and he'll find another girl just as good as Wendi.
He'll never believe it coming from me.
"So allow me to close with a few bullet points.
" "Future earning potential, check.
16-inch vertical leap, check.
I hope you will give this romantic overture serious consideration and respond in the affirmative.
Best regards, Francis X.
Cleary.
" Really? I almost feel sorry for her.
Don't overthink this.
Go mail that letter now, then just wait for the love to come pouring back.
If I hurry, I can make the last pickup.
- I can't thank you enough.
- Seeing how this plays out will be all the thanks I need.
How ya doing, sport? So bad! I just keep thinking about I just keep thinking about that Dodger game last night, huh? Manny Mota, he sure came through.
He always comes off the bench pretty hot.
Wendi always says Let me tell you a little story.
During the war, there was a certain "mademoiselle" outside of Paris named Sandrine who I was very sweet on.
But she threw me aside for this fast-talking hilljack from West Virginia.
I'd like to bump into that clown some day.
Is that it? My point is, there's other fish in the sea.
So you just got to get back on that horse and and fish.
Sutton's pitching tomorrow.
What time are you done with the garbage? Oh, I couldn't work tomorrow.
- I'm calling in sick.
- Whoa, whoa, no, no.
I had to pull some strings with Stan Borson at City Services to get you in there, and now I got to go look at his boat.
- But Dad! - You slobber into your pillow for another 12 hours, and at 6:00 a.
m.
, it's trash time.
I'll put you down as a maybe for the Dodger game.
I'm stoked about you fellas camping out here tonight, communing with nature.
Do you think the coyotes will kill us in our sleep? You'll be out here under the protection of Hutash, the Great Spirit Mother of the Chumash Indians.
Let us never forget that we stole this land from them.
How can we forget? You ruin every Thanksgiving with that bummer story.
There he is! - Did you send it? - Wait, what's going on? I mailed a letter to Wendi pleading my case as to why she should be my girlfriend.
Joey'll tell you.
Joey put you up to this? - Oh, no.
- You're kidding? I'm like two and I know that was dumb.
Oh Oh, I should've known you were being too nice.
Stupid, stupid, Frank! My one regret is I didn't make a copy of that primo letter, but I have whole chunks committed to memory.
I'll be doing a reading at 7:00 p.
m.
in the tree house tonight, with light snacks.
Oh.
I can fix this.
I'll get the letter back! Whatever Frank's plan was, he was likely to only make things worse, and as brothers we had a duty to witness it.
Dang it! My bicep is too big I should not have done those pushups this morning.
Hey, your arms are skinny.
You try.
Okay.
It's like they don't want you to reach the mail.
Hey! What are you hoodlums doing? - Nothing.
- Get out of there.
Sorry, sir.
Tampering with a mailbox is a federal crime.
The thing is, Mr.
Mailman, I-I need that letter right there.
- This one? - It's a love letter I wrote to my brother's girlfriend.
Nice try, but you're out of luck.
Once something goes down that slot, it belongs to Uncle Sam till it reaches its destination.
After that you can wipe your butts with it.
- Some do.
- Please! - Can you make an exception? - No.
And if I catch you urchins tampering again, I'll have you sent to juvenile hall.
What am I gonna do now? Confess to Eddie.
Take your beating.
He needs something to cheer him up.
I'll look like such an idiot in front of Wendi, in front of everybody.
That letter should get there today or tomorrow.
You could be a big weirdo and hang around Wendi's mailbox until it arrives.
Yeah yeah, that weirdo thing is perfect for me.
Thanks! Where'd Pat go? I'm in here! Why are you in the mailbox? I climbed in the door when nobody was looking.
Then the mailman locked me in.
And then nope, that's everything! Look, next pickup isn't till 10:00 a.
m.
tomorrow.
And if Mom finds out, she's totally gonna blame me.
I knew Mom should've left me in charge.
With Eddie's broken heart, Frank's impending humiliation, and Pat currently property of the U.
S.
Postal Service, you would've thought the dinner conversation would've been more interesting.
I can't eat.
You should get dumped more often.
Real nice, Joey.
You're judging me for making a move on Eddie's meatball? Maybe you should put that in a letter.
It's not a bad habit for you kids to get into writing letters to each other.
My sister Florence and I still write twice a week, whether we have anything to say or not.
I've got pie for dessert.
Serve yourselves.
I'm going out tonight with Wendi.
Eddie's Wendi? Well, she's not Eddie's Wendi anymore.
She never truly was.
You can't possess another human being.
- Also she dumped him.
- So now she's just Wendi.
Well, if you really think about it, she's not even that.
Names are just labels, man.
- Why are you doing this to me? - Wendi's my friend too.
We've been trying to get together.
She suddenly has more free time.
I'll be in my room.
Set your alarm for 6:00 a.
m.
Garbage is your girlfriend now.
- Where's Pat? - Outside in the tent.
Outside.
Yeah, he was just so excited to go camping that he couldn't wait till after dinner.
It was very cute.
It's such a fun age.
- I should see if he's okay.
- Or you can use this, 'cause he's pretending he's an Arctic explorer.
Ugh.
Children's imaginations.
Another time it would've been called mental illness.
Hello, Arctic Explorer Pat.
Hey, Mommy! Everything all right out there? I'm fine.
I love it in the tent.
Thank you! Do you want any dinner? I made spaghetti with that sauce that looks like tomato sauce.
I'm good.
I have camping snacks and gum.
All right, I'll check on you later.
You don't have to check on him.
William and I will be out there all night.
I'm not really going to it's just something you say.
Have you seen Dad's binoculars? If you're looking for your scruples, might I suggest a microscope? I need the binoculars.
I'm staking out Wendi's house - so I can get the letter back.
- Oh, and that way Eddie and Wendi - will never know you wrote it.
- That's the plan.
- But you'll know.
- I have to know I'm the guy making the plan.
You tried to snake your brother's girlfriend, man.
I know.
I know.
And it was stupid.
- I feel terrible now.
- That's your conscience.
It's a caring friend who tells you when you've done something wrong.
Wow, are you sure you don't want to be a priest? Nah.
Chicks.
Pat, we're back! And we brought supplies.
All right! Flashlight.
Ow! Water.
Ow! Teddy bear.
- Ow! - The teddy bear didn't hurt.
I hit myself with the flashlight.
Is there anything else you need? I'm okay I love my new life in the box.
Except I really have to pee.
- Oh, no.
- Oh.
Uh D-Don't Just wait.
We're gonna bring you a jar or something.
Oh, never mind.
I figured it out.
No Pat, you can't do that! I'm just emptying the bota bag so I can go in it.
"The time we spent together were the happiest days of my life.
" Enough with the feelings talk about your bod.
- What are you doing? - Joey had this idea I could get Wendi back if I wrote a good enough letter.
Maybe you could help you've got a knack for romantic correspondence.
Yeah, and didn't you win some penmanship prize? Just a certificate.
And a coupon for Arby's.
I'll be outside checking on Pat and those guys.
This is stupid, I'm no good with writing.
Hi, Mom.
How was Wendi? Did you smell her? She usually smells really good.
Everything outside of this house smells good to me.
- Did you two have fun? - No, actually.
If you must know, I ended my friendship with Wendi.
For you.
- You broke up with her? - Wendi's having a big day.
Well, I'm not happy about it.
I don't know if you know this, but I don't have a lot of female friends.
Or male friends.
Or even animals I get along with.
But you have to make certain sacrifices for your children.
- Thank you, Mom.
- You'll understand one day when you have kids of your own with someone not quite as good as Wendi.
Does Pat have Dad's binoculars? I know he sometimes uses them for that fake talk show he does with ants.
I don't think so.
- Well, I'll just ask him myself.
- Wait! Wait, wait, wait.
Hey, Pat, do you have Dad's binoculars? I wish.
I can't see anything in this mailbox.
Whoa, y What's going on? That is exactly the question on the table.
Where is Pat? And why does he claim to be in a mailbox? That's just something he says when he's in a mailbox.
Wait, he's been stuck in there since this afternoon? That's crazy! He must be panicking.
I'm okay! You guys were just gonna leave him there? He's a little kid and it's after dark.
It's after dark?! I didn't know that because it's dark in here.
Then what difference does it make? Because now I know! The monsters feed at night.
Oh, I got to get him out of there.
What do we do? What do we do? I guess we'll have to get him out.
Good morning, Dad.
- Want a cup of Joe? - Smells good.
I've been fiddling with my recipe.
That kick you taste is cinnamon.
Seen Eddie? Like angels.
So precious when they're sleeping.
Sweet.
Mopey, let's go.
Up and at 'em.
I don't want to, Dad.
I'm too unhappy.
Welcome to being an adult If you can wait five minutes, my biscuits will be ready.
He can't.
Keep moving.
It's the best thing for him.
When stuff like this happens, there's nothing like work to keep your mind off your troubles.
He might need to talk about his troubles before he can get his mind off them.
I already gave him the top-of-the-line advice "get back on the horse," "fish in the sea.
" Well, maybe it's not advice he needs.
Eddie might need to feel like someone is listening.
You can't fix his sadness, but you can make him feel less alone.
- You're only 10? - Yep.
Well, you're my favorite right now.
Thanks.
Need a warm up? Top me off.
Dad? Why are you here? Did you bring me a biscuit? I did, but, uh, I ate it in the car.
I've been thinking about that sweet loot you've been bringing home.
I thought I'd get in on that.
Let's go.
It's not gonna smell any better in an hour.
My dad finally figured out how to be there for Eddie.
It worked out for both of them.
Eddie got to pour his heart out, and because of the noise of the truck Dad didn't have to hear a word of it.
Also he found some sunglasses.
Oh! Wendi.
So weird running into you here.
Yeah, it is weird for you to be on my porch.
With my family's mail.
I-I was just passing by, saw the mailman, thought I'd save you a trip to the box.
You thought you'd save me a trip to do this? Did Eddie ask you to spy on me? Honestly, he didn't.
Well, there's no other sensible explanation unless you've suddenly fallen in love with me.
But seriously.
I am kind of here because of Eddie not that he asked me, but I'm worried about the guy.
- He's heartbroken.
- I am too.
That wasn't an easy decision.
But how can I have a future with a man with no drive to succeed? I'm sorry, have we gone back in a time machine? I thought this was 1972, not 1970.
- What? - Wh Men and women aren't bound by the same strictures they were even a couple years ago.
"You've come a long way, baby.
" Sound familiar? Getting this magazine says you are a modern woman, yet you've got some pretty old-timey ideas about men.
I just want him to be the best he can be.
Well, he's there.
He's already the best.
He cares about other people, and he's always ready to help.
That's true.
Eddie may not be a fancy merit-badge-winning honor student with penmanship that wins delicious sandwiches, but those guys can be selfish jerks.
Whereas Eddie will always have your back.
You've given me something to think about, Frank.
Thank you.
Eddie is lucky to have you as a brother.
Better that than a romantic rival which would not end well for him with my vertical leap and future earning power.
Have a great day.
- Hi, Eddie.
- Wendi? What are you doing? I collected these from my route.
I don't think people throw away light bulbs that are still We have a winner! See? I knew this was a good idea.
I came here to make up with you, but now I'm reconsidering.
I want to make up with you too.
I would go bananas for that to happen.
But I am worried I'm never gonna be what you want.
I mean, Berkeley is really a reach for me.
I tried writing you a letter last night and it was garbage.
And I know garbage I'm a professional.
Let's just both try our best and see what happens.
And if Berkeley doesn't work out, you've got other things going for you.
That's the thing that stuck with me after my conversation with Frank.
What conversation with Frank? He came to my house this morning.
Frank was at your house? That guy.
Frank? Frank? - Frank? - Is everything okay? You were at Wendi's house? Um, gosh, uh yeah.
But I never found the binoculars, so I-I couldn't see much.
- Thank you! - Okay.
You're welcome.
I was just telling Eddie how you helped bring us back together.
- As was my intention.
- Such a great brother.
Wendi, get in here.
Looks like you two have settled your little dust-up.
I'm not sure what Frank's doing in there.
I'm not surprised though, he's always somewhere.
Everything is copacetic.
Maybe now's a good time to have another driving lesson, huh? I kinda want to hang out with Wendi.
You already know how to drive.
Don't be selfish.
I just saw that "French Connection" movie I want to try that.
I'm glad you and Eddie patched things up.
As a mother, you can never really be happy when one of your children is unhappy.
'Cause they will not be quiet about it.
Well, I'm sorry for what we put you through.
I've been waiting for that apology, thank you.
I'm glad that we can keep up with these lessons.
- Mm.
- You're doing so well.
I got to say, I really like the feeling of power.
As a female driver, you gain a feeling of freedom and autonomy.
I could just push my foot all the way down to the floor and drive right into that wall over there.
Good luck raising the kids, Mike.
Uh, I think maybe that's enough for today, Mrs.
Cleary.
Mike would not last two hours