The Kids Are Alright (2018) s01e22 Episode Script


1 Gangway! Bedpans coming through.
I pray you do not drop those.
Doubly so if they are fully loaded.
You here to perform Last Rites? If you need me to, I don't mind closing their eyes.
The trick is a light touch.
Just enough to get the lids started.
I am bringing these old people the comfort of God, although for many of them morphine does the heavy lifting.
Yeah, a lot of the patients in this side of the building are pretty out of it.
I'm not too comfortable around them.
Then they are the ones who need you the most.
Extend yourself, Frank, as a Christian.
Give them your friendship.
Is it really a friendship if they keep mistaking me for little Ephraim - who died of typhus? - [Both chuckle.]
Just go in any of these rooms, talk, and hold their hands.
Then afterwards, wash yours with the very hottest water 'cause these folks have diseases we thought were wiped out decades ago.
Fair warning a screw from the pot lid fell into the potatoes.
So swallow more than chew.
Actually, don't swallow it.
This family is already asking too much of that toilet.
I feel bad for the toilet, I always apologize.
I got a parish council meeting tomorrow.
They're worried donations are down at the church.
Well, they'll have to tighten their belts like everybody else.
I suggest smaller communion wafers.
There, I just saved them a million dollars.
Our grade school needs that money for new playground equipment.
Yeah, I'm fed up with that lopsided teeter-totter.
In my day we made our own teeter-totter.
Balanced a plank on this guy named Chip who liked to hang around the schoolyard.
- [Chuckles lightly.]
- Older guy.
Always had candy.
Strange fella but sturdy back.
I'm worried about all these cutbacks affecting St.
They might have to close their doors forever.
Oh, no! How will the old people get out? They usually get rolled out feet-first.
You know, in Japanese culture, old people don't get - sent off to homes.
- [Sighs deeply.]
All generations live under one roof.
Okay, well, what do the Japanese know? They can't even operate a fork.
The church needs to stop wasting money on children, and put it into old people.
They're the future.
That's a surprising point of view from you, Mom.
ADULT TIMMY: My mother's sudden concern for the elderly wasn't so much surprising as it was self-serving.
A few months back Mom's ancient Aunt Tess had suddenly become her responsibility, so my folks moved her into St.
Aunt Tess didn't really mind What time does the ship dock in Ashtabula, Captain? because she didn't have much of a mind left.
Say hello to my cousin George from Collinsville.
You think it's okay for us to go? - I said say hello! - Hello.
Now where's my Honey Baked Ham? Much like Aunt Tess, we kids had no idea who or where she was, which is how Mom wanted it.
If things don't pick up, the St.
Agnes' folks might have to relocate to other more expensive homes.
Or move in with loved ones.
Or even family.
The last thing my mother wanted was another mush-brained goofball under her roof.
Potato mill! [Laughter.]
- [Sighs.]
- Knock it off.
What? I'm straining it for screws.
Found the screw! [Gulps.]
Swallowed it.
Sorry, toilet! My mom made up her mind the church had to find the money to keep St.
Agnes' open.
Is that Davey's snake? I'm snake-sitting while he and his mom are on a wine tasting trip with her boyfriend.
They brought Davey along because he just got his permit and they're drunks.
- Can I hold him? - Sure.
- [Screams.]
- [Snake hisses.]
Oh! I'm sorry.
I was all braced for slimy, but he was disturbingly dry.
PAT: He's getting away! Don't just stand there, find him.
That snake is the closest thing to a father Davey has ever known.
There he is! Careful.
Do not scare him.
- We won't.
- [Hisses.]
He looks grumpy.
Like Dad in the car when someone sits on his maps.
- The can.
- Grab the stick.
- Use the stick.
Use the stick.
- Yeah, I know.
That's what I'm doing.
JOEY: Get him in the can.
Stop, stop, stop.
- A little more - You got it! - Got it! - [Snakes hisses.]
Timmy, you dropped him.
Reach in and pull it out.
Is Davey sure he's not poisonous? He's got no idea.
They found that thing in their muffler when they got home from Mexico.
MIKE: We're coming up short on the Sunday collections, so it's time for a little refresher for the ushers.
Especially the new recruits.
Hey, guys.
Excited to be here.
This basket does not fill itself.
Eye contact.
Steady hand.
Really stare 'em down.
We gave them music and a cracker.
Time to pay the piper.
Some very good ideas, Mr.
Mike Cleary.
But all this laying on of guilt-trips? Do we want people to come to mass to feel shame? This is still the Catholic church, right? We can't afford to be namby-pamby about money.
I come from a tradition where the Church serves the congregants, - not the other way around.
- Yeah, I'm sure that's fine when the collection basket is a gourd and they're filling it with beads and animal teeth.
No judgment, but with Fr.
Dunne, these meetings were about how to spend all the money coming in.
I mean, you take over, donations are down.
Again, no judgment.
What would it sound like with judgment? So much worse.
As much as we all miss Fr.
Dunne, I believe God will answer our monetary prayers.
Praying is nice, but we need something that works.
We have to help those old folks at St.
Agnes' or the Japanese will beat us again.
Agnes will be getting all of our proceeds from our glamorous Monte Carlo Night, [chuckles.]
with blackjack tables and fondue.
Yeah, melted cheese on rented felt tables? [Chuckles.]
We won't be getting that deposit back.
Hello, everybody.
Oh, Fr.
Dunne, what an unexpected pleasure.
Not Father, just Cecil.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I was, uh making love to my wife.
First time during the day very interesting.
I invited Cecil to stop by.
I'm not here to step on anyone's cassock, Father.
Just tell him what you did when you ran things here that made everything so much better.
The collection basket only takes you so far.
The big money has to come from deep pockets in the community.
Deep pockets! Already he's making more sense than anybody here.
I'd be happy to talk to some of the business leaders in town, schmooze them, play some golf - maybe shake the trees a little.
- [Chuckles.]
That is very kind, Cecil, but I can do my own schmoozing.
I've actually shaken trees.
Mostly for guavas, but I can no doubt do it for money just as proficiently.
Well, I'm here to help if you need it.
- He needs it.
- You can help most by enjoying your retirement and, uh, afternoon fun you've discovered with your bride.
Meeting adjourned.
Donut time.
Look, I think it's a little shortsighted Not as shortsighted as getting between me and my donuts.
Our little friend had a good night's sleep, hopefully he's chilled out.
Jeez, what's he mad at me for? I even threw a pork chop in there for him last night.
Snakes actually get more aggressive after they've eaten.
And I wondered what happened to my pork chop.
TIMMY: Oh, crud, Dad's coming! Quick, act casual.
Whatever you're praying for, I will find out.
We have to say something.
He knows what he's getting himself into.
Exactly the opposite.
Would you guys keep it down? I'm trying to pray.
Great, now he's got Mom's table scraps to fuel his rage.
No, it's okay, I prayed for God to turn the snake into a puppy.
- [Snake hisses.]
- There is no God! My Mom leaned on Fr.
Abdi to let her go with him looking for donors, and Catholics tend to get more motivated to butter up God when they think they're about to meet him.
[Laughter, indistinct talking.]
And the second water buffalo said, "I wanted to get to the udder side.
" [Both laugh.]
Excuse me, Father.
Oh, Mrs.
Peggy Cleary.
Did you meet my friend Mrs.
Ava Greenblatt? AVA: Oh, it's my pleasure, honey.
Have some of my daughter's rugelach.
It's very rich, that's why she's so heavy.
Abdi's supposed to be here comforting Mr.
Fitzpatrick across the hall, who shares our faith and is loaded.
I checked on him but he was asleep.
Well, the nurse says he's awake now, and she's given him enough pills to steady his check-signing hand.
Ooh, go.
Tell him the water buffalo joke, he'll plotz.
[Both laugh.]
- Honestly - [Indistinct speaking over PA.]
- [Gasps.]
- Oh, Mr.
I should administer the Last Rites.
As long as the last thing he writes is a check.
Fitzpatrick's check-signing hand did not survive, so my mom had to go fishing for a different kind of whale.
so come on down to Tex O'Shaughnessy's Auto Kingdom and say howdy to me and my trusty dog Fido.
- [Fido chirps.]
- Eh, and, remember, I'll give you the shirt off my back to make a deal! Let's close the deal on this guy before that thing pecks his eyes out.
Cut! Sweetheart, hand me a fresh shirt and my wedding ring.
Nice of you folks to wait.
The public cannot get enough of these commercials.
Thank you for seeing us, Mr.
Tex O'Shaughnessy of the television.
You don't have to grease this guy's wheels, he's got a whole service department for that.
We are hoping for a sizeable donation to our church.
Well, I believe I can manage that in exchange for a well-placed ad in your weekly bulletin.
Plus maybe an occasional mention in the sermon.
Mm, I don't think I should be selling cars from the altar.
Just slip something in.
No one's hanging on your every word anyway.
You know what? You got that big stained-glass window, right? Picture this Jesus carrying his cross in the bed of a brand-new El Camino.
This feels like we are getting away from the proper role of the church.
Well, I am a businessman, Father, but I guess I could donate one of my surplus inventory.
You like this here ragtop? - Hey.
- Mm-hmm.
She is cherry.
That's very generous, Tex, but we prefer cash.
Well, you could sell it for cash or raffle it off.
Or I could drive it with the top down and the wind in my hair on my way to visiting the wretched.
Dunne's old Bonneville's a real clunker.
Okay, we'll take it, and we'll raffle it off.
Thank you.
Yes, and I will continue to drive the Bonneville right up until I die.
We get it, you're going to Heaven.
This guy.
ADULT TIMMY: Frank couldn't stop thinking about Fr.
Abdi's challenge that he try to bring joy to those who need it the most but would remember it the least.
Oh, good.
Fully clothed.
Good day, ma'am.
How are you? Paul-Michael, you're back from the war! What? Ring the bell, Paul-Michael! Uh, ding, ding.
No, don't say "ding, ding.
" Just ring the damn bell.
Oh, I hear it now.
So beautiful.
Who's Paul-Michael? I-Is this Paul-Michael? Paul-Michael is my horse, you know that very well, Ephraim.
Oh, I-I figured Ephraim would turn up.
When Daddy lost his job at the mill, we had to eat Paul-Michael.
Hold on.
This is my mom.
Do you know my mom? That's our dog, Sassafras.
When Daddy lost his job, we ate him.
Ring the bell! Uh, ding, ding! Now you got it.
[Jazz music playing.]
[Indistinct talking.]
I'll take 10 more tickets, please.
It won't look good if you win.
You know what will look good? Me behind the wheel having fun, fun, fun till my daddy in Heaven takes my ragtop away.
Car better be fast, whole parish will be chasing after you with fondue forks.
Let's do this.
Mama is ready to play.
Sure, you'll call yourself mama now but not when I ask you to.
You're betting all of it? Scared money don't win.
Let's hope this goes better than Reno.
- What? - Nothing.
19! Outta sight! Dealer has blackjack.
Ah! Let's hit the fondue, Mama.
Tell the girl I want a Sea Breeze.
I'll be right back.
Pretty good haul so far for the oldsters.
Who knew you could make a buck by preying on the weaknesses of foolish people.
Everybody, Mike.
Everybody with a house nicer than ours.
I mean, Caesar built a whole palace in Vegas based on that little "secret.
" $40, please.
Wendi, you worked all summer for that money.
You sure you want to do this? Are we back in caveman times? Wendi is a liberated woman fully capable of making her own idiotic choices.
Thank you, Mrs.
Actually, make it a hundred.
Hit me.
Player busts.
Hit me.
Busts again.
That's because this donkey took my four.
Are you kidding me?! Really? Really? That's 21.
- Great, why don't you kiss me? - What? Oh, I like to be kissed while I'm getting [Clarinet plays shrill note.]
Double down.
Are you trying to lose? The dealer's showing an ace.
- Let's get some fresh air.
- Get your hands off me.
Security! And where is my damn Sea Breeze? Stop bothering the money.
Look, do I need to introduce you to the boys in the back? I've never seen her like this, Mom.
She's got the fever.
Let's hope it turns into pneumonia, and she coughs up even more to support the cause.
Keep spending, everybody! It's for the seniors! They're a treasure that we love and then bury.
Ha ha ha.
You love senior citizens? [Scoffs.]
If I didn't know better, I would think that I was in the presence of the great Phyllis Diller.
I know we have a secret aunt and that you're shutting her away from us in St.
We have a secret aunt? You've got bigger stuff to worry about.
Your girlfriend's over there blowing her college fund.
Go see if she needs more chips.
Why have we never visited this revered family-member or invited her over for Christmas? Why? To stick her in the corner and string lights on her? My aunt has no idea who you are, Frank, and I envy her.
How could you treat a family member like this? - [Sighs.]
- Here she is as a beautiful young girl with hopes and dreams, sitting on the horse she ate.
After this hand, I'm driving you to get some help.
But first, we'll stop at a pawn shop and see what we can get for these.
Player has blackjack! - Oh, my God, I won! - Cool! Let's celebrate at a place that's not here! Not a chance.
I'm on a roll.
- Wendi, one hand - I'm on.
A roll! Winner.
- Yes! - Yes! - Player wins! - Yes, yes, yes! - Player has blackjack! - Whoo! Dealer busts.
- Eee! - Aah! What in holy heck? She's winning? We need that money! Double down.
She's got a lot of cheddar on the table.
I knew it.
Someone spilled the fondue.
- Dealer busts.
- [Crowd cheers.]
You won! - No, no, no! - Baby, you won! Ah, well that was a rush.
I'd like to cash out, please.
No! Keep playing! Risk it all! A good gambler knows when to quit.
Wendi's run of luck was great for her but not so great for St.
- [Tools clattering.]
- All right.
Try and give it a rev, Rev.
[Engine sputters.]
When it makes that "di-di-di-di-di" sound, that's Bonneville language for "get a bus pass, Abdi.
" Sorry to intrude.
I couldn't help but notice from my window that you're, uh, wrestling with old Bonnie here.
Now that I know she has a name, I'm going to feel bad when I push her off a cliff.
Want to have a look, Mr.
Dunne? I know a few tricks ought to get this old girl humming.
Just like I do with my new wife.
You've made it very clear you've been getting some.
- Try it now.
- [Engine sputters.]
Sometimes the choke plate gets stuck.
- [Engine starts.]
- Hmm.
That did work.
Thank you very much, Cecil.
You're welcome, Bootaan.
It feels good to be helpful.
It is easy to dismiss an old car like this because it has traveled many miles and doesn't run as smoothly as it used to.
But it still has much to offer.
Are you out of your mind? This is a piece of junk.
I was being metaphorical.
Forget it, you're a very frustrating man.
[Vehicle approaches, horn honks.]
- Raffle winner coming through! - Oh! What's funny is, I only bought one ticket.
Mm, then that makes my story 200 times funnier.
I just saw Dad pull up with Aunt Tess.
Oh, and here comes the reason she's moving in with us.
I won fair and square, Mrs.
I'm not going to apologize about this.
No, you shouldn't.
I mean, those folks at St.
Agnes' worked hard their whole lives so they could live out their golden years with dignity.
But then Wendi split tens.
I know! It's nuts! Plus she won that boss car, and I get to ride shotgun.
Oh, did it come with a shotgun? 'Cause I'd like to borrow it.
- [Door opens.]
- MIKE: We're home! Welcome home, Aunt Tess.
You're a stranger.
[Chuckles, gasps.]
Get him off me! I'm allergic to cats.
MIKE: Let's, uh, show you your room.
She smells like that wet chair in the garage.
I like it! Meow! Match made in heaven.
[Tess snores.]
Lot of crazy stuff in here.
Look, if these are in her bag, what's in her mouth? I vote we don't find out.
Where are we supposed to sleep tonight? I call sleeping with Aunt Tess! She's got all these weird tinctures and unctions and ointments.
This one is literally called "snake oil.
" We can use that to catch Greg! That's the snake's name now.
Or we can use this.
We got Ol' Tess set up in William and Pat's bed.
Seems pretty comfortable for someone who moans like a broken radiator when you move any part of her body.
Oh, maybe I should go check on her.
I think that would be the caring thing to do, Mother.
I've got an old shower curtain I need to shimmy under her.
Dad, I am extremely disappointed in Mom.
Well, as much as I enjoy dinner and a show, I suggest you keep that to yourself.
I'm sorry, but shunting Aunt Tess aside like that was heartless.
How would you like it if we just dumped you into some nursing home when you get old? Frank, I'm eating gravy with a pizza crust.
I'm not planning on getting old.
You have to realize, when she was growing up, your mom's mom was mean and flinty as hell.
It wasn't all moonbeams and bedtime stories like it is for you kids.
- What's a bedtime story? - That's not important.
But as tough as your grandma could be, Aunt Tess was a real friend to your mom.
She's the one who taught her how to sew and ride a bike.
When Peggy went to her first formal, Aunt Tess bought her shoes.
So you have to appreciate how hard it is for your mom to be around Tess.
Especially how she is now.
Your mom isn't heartless, she's heartbroken.
Snake charming isn't a real thing.
There's a lot of research to support it as a way to hypnotize snakes.
Is that research mostly cartoons? There was also a "Three Stooges.
" Enough gabbing.
Greg's eating a light bulb.
[Lid clangs.]
[Playing "The Streets of Cairo".]
It's not working.
Try a different key? - [Playing stops.]
- At this point in the movie, I believe Moe hit Shemp in the head with a shovel.
Let's try the key change first.
[Playing resumes in higher key.]
Ask Leroy to wake me when the twins arrive with my yarn, would you? Thank you.
[Sighs deeply.]
[Tess snoring.]
She was always the smartest of the Dempsey sisters.
She could rattle off world capitals Norway: Oslo, Liechtenstein: I forget.
Places she'd never visit, except in her books.
It's just not fair.
It's the hand she's dealt.
And we're dealt now, I guess.
Let's steer clear of the blackjack expressions for a while, hmm? Grab her another blanket? I don't want her to be chilly.
TESS: Santiago! What's that, Aunt Tess? Chile.
Capital of Chile Santiago.
["The Streets Of Cairo" continues.]
It's still not having any effect.
Yes, it is.
I have an idea.
[Playing Scott Joplin's "The Entertainer".]
Huh, it's working.
Greg is a fan of ragtime.
Timmy, grab him.
Uh, i-if he bites me, suck out the venom.
You got it, buddy.
[Hisses softly.]
[Exhales shakily.]
So much drier than you'd expect.
[Knock on door.]
Come on.
You know the rules.
If you can't get it done in two minutes, go to the gas station.
- Is that you, Frank? - No.
I think it's Aunt Tess in there.
You know, I like what you were saying before about multiple generations living under one roof.
Sometimes I just say things.
Great Aunt Tess, is everything okay in there? It's not locked.
Maybe someone should check on her? Be my guest.
Like any of you are a treat to walk in on.
Aunt Tess, I'm coming in.
Call an ambulance.
- [The Band's "The Weight" plays.]
- [Monitor beeps.]
- I pulled into Nazareth - Hello, Mrs.
Peggy Cleary.
I hear your aunt is recovering nicely.
Now we just need to find a rest home or a nice cozy bus station where we can drop her off.
Or she can return to St.
If you're taunting me, it's lucky for you we're already in a hospital.
I fear you too much, Mrs.
Peggy Cleary, to ever test your patience.
The church has come into a hefty endowment from my friend Mrs.
The one with the stale cookies and the chubby daughter? I thought I was delighting a nice lady with my uproarious water buffalo jokes, but it turns out I was "schmoozing.
" Take a load off, Fanny - And, and, and - Well Did you hear that, Tess? You're gonna be going back to your old bed at St.
But maybe you should take the shower curtain.
And Pat.
Take a load off, Fanny Take a load for free Take a load off, Fanny