The King of Queens s01e08 Episode Script

Educating Doug

What do you got there? Mini Number-O's.
Frosted numbers.
Oh, I'll give them a try.
Oh, 3-D glasses.
Guess this is my lucky day.
Can I see them? You can see them fine from right there.
Okay, you know what, fine, fine.
Enjoy them.
Look, Arthur, it's no big deaI, but I did buy the cereaI, so technically those are mine.
Possession is nine-tenths of the law, buddy boy.
You know what, you keep those, and I'll keep the box with the 3-D jungle scene on the back, okay? - Let me see that.
- Nine-tenths of the law.
Look at that, it's even fun to look at with plain eyes.
Look at the little jungle cat.
Maybe we can work something out.
Oh, suddenly we're negotiating.
Don't think so.
I'm warning you, I'll rip them in half! Go ahead, big shot.
Oh, that's it.
You'll never see this jungle picture again.
No more jungle picture, okay? You manic.
There you go, huh? You want some cereaI, hon? All right, Mr.
and Mrs.
Heffernan.
I'm gonna try to wrap this up quickly.
Probably have better things to do with your evening than talk about insurance.
I don't know, just that pesky World Series.
Well, actually, all I need now is your decision on the building code upgrade coverage.
You think you want that or not? Well, do you think we need it? Well, personally, I think the argument for it is fairly specious.
- Specious? - I don't know.
So yea or nay? Well, that depends how specious the argument really is.
Well, I'd say in your case, it's extremely specious.
I guess we just have to decide if we're into the whole specious thing.
You know what? I'm just gonna think about it.
I'm just gonna think about it right over here.
Keep on talking.
So insurance It's quite a game.
How'd a crazy guy like yourself get involved with that? Well, you know, I just needed something where I could be out, you know, meeting people.
You know, there's one thing my old grandma used to say- Alrighty.
Yeah, that's nice.
All right.
So, hon, yea or nay? Well, since the argument for it has the ring of truth, but is actually false, I say we take a pass.
I agree.
All right, let's play ball.
What are we watching? Indian River lumberjack competition.
This looks to be the pole-bucking finals.
See, he's gotta climb up that 20-foot pole and cut a slice off the end with his chain saw.
It's judged on speed and chain-saw technique.
You do realise we have a limited time on this earth, don't you? What's the matter? Just what happened tonight.
I mean, it didn't bother you at all that we didn't know what "specious" meant? A little at first, but I made my peace with it.
See, now that slice is uneven.
That's gonna cost him.
That's points off right there.
I got news for you, hon, we're getting dumber as a couple.
No, we're fine.
- No, we're not fine.
- Hey.
Doug, we're turning into idiots.
All we do is watch TV all the time.
You know, there are couples that actually sit in bed and read.
Who do you know who sits in bed and reads? Mike and CaroI Brady.
You see, that's all I could come up with because I'm an idiot.
You are not, all right? Stop that.
Don't talk like that.
I love you.
Now, come here, give me a hug.
- Yeah, right.
Nice try, Doug.
- Come on, give me the remote.
- No TV.
- Yes TV.
Doug, come on.
You know, it wouldn't kill us to read more.
Yes, kill us.
All right, Doug, stop.
Now, just pretend I'm a commerciaI and listen to me for one minute.
- What? - Okay.
This girlfriend of mine, her and her husband, they take all these classes together at night.
You know, different things, just to keep their minds going, you know? Losers.
They're not losers.
Now, come on, we should do something like that.
- Yeah, okay.
Give me the remote.
- Come on.
- I do things you wanna do.
- Oh, yeah, like what? Like sex.
Oh, like you don't enjoy the gravy train.
Come on.
I will.
Come on, just take one class with me.
One class, one night a week.
If we get too smart, we'll stop.
- All right, all right.
- Okay.
- Give me the remote.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
- All right.
Oh, great, look at that.
Lost a finger.
I missed it.
Thank you.
Heffernan is handling lannucci's backhand volleys, indeed, is answering them in kind.
Oh, brilliant passing shot by Heffernan to win the day.
Score now stands 6 to 4.
Hey, Moose, we playing poker Thursday night? I can't.
Carrie signed us up for some night class.
"The Victorian NoveI.
" All right.
- What's up with that? - I don't know.
She started yapping during the lumberjack competition.
I said yes to get the remote back.
Hey, you're in for a reaI treat.
Such wonderfuI novels.
Wuthering Heights, Tess of the d'Urbervilles? Oh, they're all written with such panache.
See, that's why you get a lot of wedgies.
You know, maybe I'll take this class with you.
You know, these extension courses are a really good place to meet women.
Spence, you couldn't pick up any women in that wine-tasting class and they were all drunk.
Yeah, but books are more my milieu.
Okay, one more word in French out of you I'm gonna have to kick your ass.
- Touché.
- That's it.
I'll tell you, this was a banner idea you kids had, taking classes at night.
- You decided what you're gonna take? - I'm not sure.
Either Salsa Dancing or How to Become a Notary Public.
- What do you think? - Well, that depends if you wanna dance or watch people sign things.
Both interest me.
Hey, would you watch the road now and again? - Would you relax? - I'm sorry.
It's just that kid, I think he's gotta go home and change now.
You know what? I think I'm gonna take the notary class.
God knows, the world doesn't need another salsa dancer.
- Spence, come on.
- Coming.
Bye, Mom.
I don't know how late.
We might go out after.
I don't need to wear my hood.
As soon as we get around a corner, this thing's coming right off.
And so, by the beginning of the century, you've got Napoleon overrunning Europe, the promise of democracy gone, the industriaI revolution turning everyone's lives upside down, and from this upheavaI emerged some of the greatest writers in history.
Does this look like Batman? In one short period of history, you've got Charles Dickens, Thomas Hardy, the Bronté sisters, Jane Austen.
All the way through Henry James and Oscar Wilde.
Now, these writers, each in their own way, reflected the mores and conventions of their times, and in many cases I think we'll find they challenged these mores as well.
Quit it! Oh, he was touching me.
Anyway, we're gonna get rolling with a noveI by one of the most truly interesting writers of the era: Charlotte Bronté.
The book, Jane Eyre.
I'm also handing out a list of ten discussion questions about Jane Eyre.
I want you to read the book, look them over, we will discuss them when we meet again.
I'll tell you this much, becoming a notary public is not for the timid, no, sir.
Very competitive.
Lot of backstabbing.
Hey, pull over.
I gotta use the john.
Why didn't you go when we dropped Spence off? I didn't have to go then.
Excuse me for not having a prostate! All right, Dad, there's a Dairy Queen.
Go knock yourself out.
Okay.
After I pee, anyone want a soft serve? No, thanks.
Okey-dokey.
Okay, look, I'm sorry about the class.
I was just fooling around, I'm sorry.
No, forget about it.
It's not even your fault.
It's my fault.
It is? I just kind of had this stupid fantasy that we'd take the class, and we'd both enjoy it, and then we'd read more books.
And eventually we'd spend our evenings sitting in front of a roaring fireplace, drinking cognac.
Exchanging witty repartee.
Who was I kidding? We can't even do the word jumble in the Daily News.
All right, you know what? I'm gonna read the book.
No, Doug, don't, because I wasn't trying to guilt you into doing this.
I know, okay? I want to.
I want us both to read it, and talk about it in front of a roaring fire.
I'm sure your father will start one at some point.
You really wanna continue with the class? Yes.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
Honey? Nothing.
Okay, baby, got my reading supplies.
My lap pillow, my pro-reader bookmark, and my itty-bitty book light, for after lights out.
And? Oh, God.
Book.
There you go, bubby.
Okay.
Me and the missus, getting jiggy with our books.
Here we go, "Chapter one.
" "There was no possibility of taking a walk that day.
We had been wandering, indeed, in the leafless shrubbery an hour in the morning, but since dinner, the cold winter wind had brought with it clouds so sombre, and a rain so penetrating, that further outdoor exercise was now out of the question.
" Oh, my God.
All right, don't panic.
You can do this.
"I never liked long walks, especially on chilly afternoons.
" Chilli.
I like chilli.
How do women wear a bra all the time? It's not that bad once you get going, right? Yeah, it's- Yeah.
Oh, look at him.
He's really trying.
Such a sweetie.
What's growing out of his ear? That was not there six months ago.
Jimmy crack corn, I hate this book Jimmy crack corn, I hate this book Jimmy crack corn, I hate this book Let's pretend I read page one Sign this.
"I agree to deliver 15 tons of graveI to MacKenzie NavaI Base in Bethesda, Maryland.
" It's a sample contract for my class.
I need to practice notarising.
Good, because I don't think I have that much graveI.
Do I mock your profession? Now, come on, you sign it while I watch, then I'll stamp it, and I'll enter it into my ledger.
You got it.
Wait.
I'm not ready to watch yet.
I need a second to get loose.
Okay.
Sign it.
Okay.
Back up two inches.
Alrighty.
Here we go.
- Okay? - Oh, my God! I looked away! I didn't see you sign it.
I signed it, Dad.
Take my word for it.
If I could take your word, we wouldn't need notaries, would we? Who was I fooling? I'm not fit to be a notary.
It's a young man's game.
- Hey.
- Hey, honey, how's the book coming? Good.
Page 418.
Wow, you're ahead of me.
Oh, come on.
Don't be hard on yourself.
It's not a race.
I'm just gonna go finish up, work on my discussion questions, okay? - All right, I'll see you upstairs.
- Okay.
I am so screwed.
That whole book business again? Yeah, the class is tomorrow.
I'm on page two.
I can't even say I have a firm grasp of page one.
Why don't you just tell Carrie you didn't read the book? What's she gonna do, hold you back a year? She'll hate me, that's what.
Hey, fellows.
Game still on? Yeah, it's the third quarter.
It's a big couch.
Excuse me.
So, Spence, you finish the book yet? Oh, yeah.
Well, it was my third time, but I still got a little teary at the end.
So, hey, maybe Maybe you and I could compare notes on the discussion questions.
- You finish them yet? - Oh, yeah.
I got 14 pages of grade-A observations right here.
All right, let me have a look.
Wait, you did read the book, right? You lie so bad.
I didn't read it.
Let me see them anyway.
- Come on, man.
- I'm not showing you my answers.
I'm leaving.
I don't think so.
This is mature.
Right back in junior high.
What are you gonna do, hold me down and steaI my homework? AII I want is the answers.
How I get them is up to you.
Different time, different place, Doug.
You can't intimidate this guy anymore.
What-? This shouldn't be happening.
We're in our 30s.
Look, it's nothing personaI.
I don't even enjoy this anymore.
Help, Richie.
Moose.
Get his lunch money.
Okay.
On to the next discussion question.
Yes, the symbolism of the old chestnut tree shattered by lightning.
Any thoughts? Restroom key is hanging on the wall.
No.
I'd like to take a shot at the question.
Sure.
What the hell? Well, it seemed to me that the shattered chestnut tree symbolised that the love between Jane and Rochester was about to become cruelly shattered.
And, although this wasn't part of the question, I also feeI the red moon and the raging wind were ominous precursors as well.
That is shockingly coherent.
Thank you.
Well, that brings us to our next question, which is: Why did Bronté choose to tell the story from Jane's point of view, rather than Rochester's? - Yes? - I think it gave her a chance to be a little autobiographicaI, to put her own experiences in it.
- That's interesting.
- Yeah, interesting, though a bit simplistic.
In point of fact, Bronté led a very clustered life.
- Cloistered.
- Cloistered life.
And the sensuaI character of Jane Eyre was probably something of a liberation for her.
Doug, I've got to say, I'm very impressed.
Have you studied Victorian literature before? No, no, no, not really, just I guess it's my milieu.
- Doug.
- Yeah? I think I agree with you, with what you said in class.
- About? - About Jane leaving Thornfield.
I really think it is her symbolic loss of virginity.
Just one delivery man's opinion.
Let me ask you a question.
What do you think about Jane's parakeet? What do you think that represented? - The parakeet? - Yeah.
Well, it certainly gave her someone to talk to.
And beyond that, I think the bird, what with its droppings, symbolised how crappy life can be.
There's no parakeet, is there? Doug, I know you beat up Spence for his homework.
He told you? Oh, he is so dead.
No, he did not tell me, his mother called.
I was so close.
Please, you were not so close.
It was so obvious in class that you were faking.
I mean, I'm just surprised you didn't wear a monocle and a cape.
- I'm sorry.
- Doug, I don't understand this.
You sat next to me, night after night, turning pages, nodding, highlighting with your little stupid yellow marker.
What the hell were you doing? Mostly planning my meals.
And I also came up with an idea for a new board game.
Car, I tried.
I really did try.
It was just too much.
Doug, it's a book.
You can read, can't you? Not when people are making me.
That's why I did lousy in schooI.
All the pressure from the nuns.
"Read this, read that, show your work.
" I mean, at least I pretended to read for you.
That's true.
I mean, I stared at a book for two weeks, because I love you.
Not many husbands would do that.
You're right.
Only the disturbed ones would.
But you're right, maybe this class thing is just not for us right now.
I mean, maybe I overreached a little bit.
Maybe we should start smaller.
Yeah, like, maybe we should do the word jumble together.
And not turn it upside down for the answers.
- No matter what.
- Yeah.
All right, come on.
Come cuddle with mama.
Okay.
Hey, you wanna hear about my new board game? It's called Shominy, and it's for ages 6 and up.
That's all I got so far.
Here we go.
This is great, huh? Me and the jiggy getting missus- - But you kept on going too.
- I know.
- That is so funny.
- Why, did I screw up?