The King of Queens s01e10 Episode Script

This is ridiculous, I can't circle anymore.
Somebody leave! Hey, I think that guy's putting a bag in his car.
- Is he getting out? - I don't know.
Let me ask.
Are you coming out? Can we-? Yeah, can we get in there? Can we get in-? Hey, he's waving me off.
He had his keys out and everything.
He had leaving-the-spot body language.
You tease! Hey, look, way up there, a space.
I'm going for it.
Oh, no.
The Lincoln's taking it.
Oh, she ain't there yet, baby.
This is a one-way.
You're going the wrong way down a one-way.
- I'm betting she'll brake first.
- No! Oh, my God, Carrie, no! My God! What a rush.
Let's shop.
Oh, my God, this is a nightmare.
Let's just get in and out of here as quickly as we can, all right? Hey, you got some quarters? Honey, please, don't start with the crappy gum from the machines.
Here, I have gum in my purse.
No, I don't want a stick of gum.
I want a ball of gum.
All right, just one.
Promise me you're not gonna complain if it's white.
- Promise.
Yeah.
- You promise? All right.
Look at that, there's Richie.
Look at that.
- Hey.
How's it going, man? - I'm just trying to get out of here.
So you guys got a big Thanksgiving planned? No, thank God.
Just a long weekend with nothing to do except the three F's: - Food, football and making love.
- Right.
What are you doing, Rich? Yeah, my mother's having like 700 people over.
She asked me to pick up a few things, but this line ain't moving.
Hey, line three looks good.
I just came from line three.
If I go back now, I'm gonna look like an idiot.
Yeah, well, good luck, Rich.
Come on, hon.
- Yeah, happy Thanksgiving.
- Yeah, whatever.
Excuse me.
I only have a few things.
Can I get ahead of you? Dad? What are you doing? Just taking in the scenery.
Douglas, check it out.
- You like what you see? - Yeah, she's pretty sweet.
Oh, what I wouldn't give to be invisible for two minutes.
Okay, I don't know what that means, but, come on, I wanna get out of here.
Now, stay by my side.
Doug, go for snacks and soda.
I know them both well.
So, Dad, this is- Would you stop it.
This is gonna be fun, huh? Having a little Thanksgiving dinner, just the three of us, don't you think? - I guess so.
- Come on, it'll be quiet.
We'll get to relax a little bit.
What are these? Those are our Thanksgiving meals.
- TV dinners? - All right, Dad, could you stop it? We're gonna have a lovely Thanksgiving dinner.
I mean, look at the label.
What does that say? "A lovely Thanksgiving dinner.
" You think they could put it on there if it wasn't true? No.
I'm sorry.
I was just assuming you were gonna cook.
You know, since your mother used to make such a big, beautiful meal every year.
I know, Dad, but Mom was a great cook.
I defrost.
That's what I do.
The way she'd get up at dawn, start peeling and dicing and shucking Every burner going.
You'd walk into that house, you know what it would smell like? It would smell like love! But these are fine.
Okey-dokey, Dad.
Let's go pick out a turkey.
Really? What made you change your mind? Sorry.
Sorry.
Doug? Doug Heffernan.
I thought that was you.
Hey guy.
How have you been? Still driving the delivery truck? Yeah.
Yup, yup, yeah.
You still doing your crazy thing? Yeah, you know.
Same old, same old.
All right.
Well, fantastic.
Take it easy now.
- Hey.
- Yeah? Thanksgiving.
Gotta love the holidays.
Oh, can't argue with that.
Cannot argue.
And I won't.
It's been a while.
You look good.
So do you.
Are you going this way? Can we talk? Actually, I need to go find the snack aisle, so- - That's where I'm going.
Come on.
- Okay, great.
Yeah, okay.
Only two turkeys left? I'll bet that one didn't give up without a fight.
Probably took someone with him.
- Give me a hand.
- No, no, no.
Dad, no.
This one's fine.
That one? All right.
All right, we'll get the big one.
That's my girl.
Okay, help me out.
Ready? On three.
One, two, three.
Go, go, go.
You know, as long as we're getting the big one, we should invite your Uncle Howard and Aunt Margie.
They were just going to a diner.
Howard and Margie? I don't want them to come over.
They're nuts.
We were with them last year.
They're wonderful Thanksgiving companions.
Dad, she hit him over the head with a telephone.
They're passionate.
That's what keeps their marriage alive.
- All right, invite them.
- And their nieces too.
What, they shouldn't all be together for Thanksgiving? They raised those girls! Okay, Dad.
You remember we had that little discussion about your inside voice and your outside voice? Yeah.
All right, so it's us, Howard and Margie, the nieces.
Anybody else? Just one step cousin you never met.
And his nurse.
Nurse, right.
Should have figured.
Don't worry your pretty little head, honey.
I'm gonna help you out.
I saw some nice gherkins in aisle four.
- I'm gonna go grab them.
- Okay.
Clean up on aisle four.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Want a grape? Okay.
What, are you nervous? Well, honey, we didn't pay for this.
It's fine.
There's no wrapper.
Everyone knows the naked food is free.
Trail mix? Excuse me, anything from a barrel, also free.
So you've pretty much been shoplifting this whole time? No.
Actually, I ran into a guy I know.
Or at least he knows me.
I couldn't place him.
Well, why didn't you just ask him who he was? I couldn't.
Before I had a chance to ask, we were too deep into the conversation.
I missed that "who are you again?" window.
Hey, what's with the turkey? I thought you were gonna go with TV-dinner deals.
They were not TV dinners, they were fresh and lovely, but I decided to cook a meal instead.
You? You don't do that.
Okay, I haven't so far, but that doesn't mean I can't.
I mean, if I put my mind to it, I can mash, shuck and jive and all that.
- Don't you think? - Absolutely.
Can I get some TV dinners just as a backup? Come on, I got everything I need here.
I got my stuffing mix, my scalloped-potato mix, my vegetable-medley mix, pumpkin-pie mix Stay out of aisle four.
It's a disaster area.
Stuffing from a box? Your mother'd turn over in her grave.
Canned cranberry sauce? She'd turn over again.
At least that would put her back in the right position.
Okay, Dad.
I guess I'm cooking from scratch.
Excuse me.
Do you have any magazines with recipes for, I don't know, an entire Thanksgiving dinner for ten people? We did have some cooking magazines, but it looks like we're all sold-out.
Do you know how to cook an entire Thanksgiving dinner for ten people? Okay, thanks a lot.
Excuse me, I'm making a chestnut stuffing.
Do you know where I might be able to find chopped chestnuts? - Aisle 12.
- Thank you.
Richie? What'd you do? Go home and come back? No, I haven't checked out yet.
Lady in front of me had a million coupons, so I hopped over to this line, but it turns out this cashier's a freaking trainee.
She already cried twice.
Maybe you should jump lines again.
Maybe.
I just don't trust my instincts anymore.
Hey, look.
Mike Milobsky.
- We went to high school with that guy.
- Oh, that's right.
Look at that.
Employee of the month.
Good for him.
Is it good or is it sad? I don't know.
Assistant manager of Meats.
He's not even a head meat guy.
It's a nice picture though, right? I gotta go.
Doug.
Hey again hombre.
We reconvene in aisle nine.
Hair relaxer.
There it is.
Now I got what I need.
All right.
- Hey, Doug.
- Yeah? I'm glad I ran into you again.
I just couldn't leave things the way we left them back there.
"Hi, hi," like everything's fine.
You couldn't? I don't wanna drudge up the past, but what happened between us I just feel like we never got any closure.
Really? Because, actually, I'm pretty closed.
At least until after the holidays.
You always could make me laugh.
Hey, look, I know this is stupid, but let me give you some money.
Just as a gesture.
And then we'll call it square.
No, no, no.
Come on.
I insist.
I'm writing you a cheque right now.
Where-? I don't see your name on those.
Oh, it's a new account.
These are temporary cheques.
But they're good, I promise.
How much do you think is fair? - You don't have to give me any money.
- Come on.
How much? Hundred dollars? Oh, be serious.
Five hundred thou- Fifty dollars? I get it.
You don't want any money, and now I've just insulted you, haven't I? Why do I always do that to you? Look, here's my number, and if you wanna call me, call me.
But if not, I understand.
Damn me.
Oh, hi.
- Grey Lincoln, right? - Yes.
You know, I was in the parking lot, and I was rushing in.
We're having a problem with my elderly father's dialysis.
And when I got in, I thought: "Oh, my God.
That woman probably thinks I cut her off.
" So I wanted to come and apologise to you.
Well, thank you.
That's very nice.
We've had some kidney problems in my family too.
- What? - Dialysis? - Okay.
Have a happy Thanksgiving.
- So those are chestnuts, huh? - Is that for your stuffing? - Yes, fresh chestnut stuffing.
I make it every year.
Oh, that's funny.
I usually do mine with liquorice.
Liquorice? That's unusual.
Yeah.
Yeah, it is.
So you do yours with chestnuts.
What else do you put in there? Well, sautéed onions, butter, celery, a little broth.
It's pretty simple, really.
Yeah, right.
Who said stuffing had to be complicated, right? Yeah.
So, what quantity of chestnuts do you put in yours? - Well, I- - Just to compare.
Well, it's two cups of halved chestnuts, makes enough for- For 15 people.
Well, it's been nice speaking with you.
Are those your recipes? That is gorgeous lamination work.
I was thinking about doing that to mine.
Can I see them? - What? - Your cards.
- I don't think so.
- Okay, what is wrong with you? They're just recipes.
Yes, but they're my recipes.
Well, could you give me something? A pie filling, anything? Well, perhaps if I'd found a parking spot sooner, I might have more time to help you out.
Please, you don't understand.
I have to cook for ten people.
And I don't cook.
Oh, fine.
Fine.
You know what, I'm glad I took your parking spot.
And your lamination work sucks.
Hey there.
How you doing? - Fine.
- What are you, a Korean fellow? No, I'm Irish.
Beautiful country.
Never been there.
Question for you.
Where do you keep the good yams? What? I know how it goes, I worked in markets.
You keep the good ones in back for the VIPs.
There's nothing in back that's not out here.
We're not holding out on the yams.
Hey, pal.
Between you, me and the lamppost here, I know you got the big ones in the back.
- You're gonna mash them up, right? - Yeah.
If you're gonna mash them up, then it doesn't matter how big they are.
Well, if it doesn't matter, why don't you bring a few of them out here, smarty? You know what? You're right.
Now that's a yam.
How the hell do I know this guy? Is he on my delivery route? Did we go to camp together? Did I go through some kind of phase? - Slow down.
Slow down.
- Why? I'm following this woman.
I'm copying her shopping list, item by item.
I'll just figure out how to put it all together when I get home.
Hey, hon, do you have your cell phone on you? Yeah, yeah, it's in my purse.
I just realised, I have the guy's number on me.
I could call him at home right now.
I'd get his machine, find out what his name is.
I am brilliant.
Were those raisins? Hello? Oh, hi.
I just got a crank call.
Hey, watch this.
Star 69.
You just called me? Well, yeah, just to tell you that there's a special on Desenex in aisle two.
No, no, no.
You thought you were calling my machine.
You were gonna leave one of your little messages.
If you've got something to say to me, at least have the guts to say it.
- I don't have anything to say.
- I thought you'd changed.
- Hey, I have changed.
- Come on.
You're exactly the same.
You put on that goofy smile to cover up your sneaky little hidden agenda.
I don't have an agenda, okay? Maybe you ought to get off your little high horse there fella.
Okay, here we go again.
Come on, dump it on me.
All that bile, all that venom, just put it on me.
Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you? You know what? I'm not getting sucked in again.
Once was enough.
Or twice, whatever.
- How do you live with yourself? - Just fine, thank you very much.
I'm gonna stop putting myself through this.
I'm gonna go.
- Fine.
Go.
Please.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Fine.
Oh, man.
Would you stop following me? I'm not following you, I'm just shopping.
It's a free country.
No, no, no.
Excuse me.
Excuse- Damn.
Spicy sausage nugget? I've been called worse.
- You're quite a cook.
- Oh, well, thank you.
So how long you been in our country? Hey.
- Just keep walking.
Keep walking.
- What? - You! - Just keep going.
Give me my cart back.
You stole her cart? I did not steal it.
She doesn't own anything in here.
- Give me my cart.
- But you don't understand.
I promised my father a home-cooked meal.
Well, yes, I have some plans for Thanksgiving, but nothing I can't get out of.
What'd you have in mind? You are sick.
Yeah, nice sweater.
She offered to cook for me.
In her apartment.
I've never had a Dutch woman.
Dad, I went through hell for you today, so either you're gonna enjoy a lovely Thanksgiving dinner with us, or I'm gonna have to put you in a home.
Point taken.
- These okay? - Perfect.
Hey.
Come on.
This is stupid.
I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry too.
I guess we both just got carried away.
What else is new, huh? Listen, if you don't have any other plans, why don't you come to Thanksgiving at my house? - Really? - Yeah.
I love you, man.
I'm pretty sure I love you too.
- So you need the address? - Right.
I'll see you there.
Okay.
See you there friend.
Hey, Moose.
Hey, how'd you get behind us? I don't know.
It's just the way things are going.
Hey, could I get up ahead of you guys? - We were kind of in a rush here.
- Yeah, we got things to do.
Price check on lovely Thanksgiving dinner.
Oh, excuse me.
Where do you keep the good yams? - Wait here.
- Okay.
Here you go, Mr.
Osmond.
Thank you.