The King of Queens s01e13 Episode Script

Best Man

Holding, number 73, the offence.
Ten yards from the spot of the foul.
What are you doing? Well, from your tone of voice, I'm guessing, not the right thing.
Why aren't you dressed? Deacon and Kelly are gonna come pick us up, like, they- Now.
Look, the game's almost over.
It'll take me five minutes to throw on my tux.
Doug, I've seen you lose half a day on a shoehorn.
- Okay, okay, I'm up.
- Thank you.
He breaks a tackle at the ten.
He's in for the score.
Jets touchdown.
Okay, being on your feet instead of your ass? Not enough progress.
Hey, you try getting up off my ass.
Doug, this isn't fair.
Todd's an old friend of mine.
If we were going to one of your friend's weddings, you'd be all No, you wouldn't.
Look.
I'm at the closet, huh? Have you showered? Yeah, this morning.
That was six hours ago.
I haven't moved.
You pointed that out yourself.
Okay, let's come at it this way.
What's the argument against showering? Well, for one thing, the towel I used this morning is still damp.
I'd have to get a new towel, create a whole laundry situation.
Plus, second shower of the day, shampoo? No shampoo? It's a can of worms, Car, really.
Doug, come here, come here.
Shower, okay? Oh, Daddy, you look so handsome.
Oh, thank you.
Something wrong? Nothing I wanna worry you about.
Okay.
- It's that damn RSVP card.
- Okay.
Remember, when the wedding invitations came, we had to check whether we wanted steak or fish? - Yeah? - I had just had a big porterhouse steak at the time, so I checked fish.
Now, I haven't had steak in weeks.
I'd like a nice steak today! Dad, I'm sure we can work it out, don't worry.
You're right, I'm gonna give Todd a call right now, straighten it out.
Dad? Todd is getting married in two hours.
I don't think he wants to spend time on your little entrée dilemma right now.
I was a second father to that boy.
He can't get me a nice piece of meat? - Daddy? - Yeah? I will give you a thousand dollars if you let this thing go.
Oh, if only life were that easy.
What's going on? Just getting dressed.
Doug, your tux doesn't fit anymore? It's those damn dry cleaners.
They must've shrunk it.
All right, let's just cram you in there.
Hey! Can't just go right up the middle.
You gotta let me choose a side first.
Okay.
Okay, deep breath.
Okay, I meant, hold it in.
- Okay, all right.
- I'm working.
All right.
All right.
A little more, baby.
A little more.
Please, help me.
Okay, how's that? Let me out.
Doug, I asked you to try on the tux two months ago when we got the invitation.
I know, I didn't think I'd put on any weight.
That's it.
No more cheese for me.
All right, give me the pants.
Come on, I'll let them out.
There you go.
Simple solution right there, huh? Sweet cheese, welcome back.
Okay, letting out the pants, letting out the pants.
Don't know how to do that.
Fabulous.
They're here.
- Hi.
- Hey, Carrie.
- You look great.
- Oh, thanks, you guys too.
Hey, Carrie, I may have solved the problem.
What if I iron up my black sweats? No one will know the difference.
Don't think so.
What's going on? He had two months to try on his tux, but he waited until ten minutes ago.
And now his pants don't fit.
You see? That's the way you're supposed to look.
Hey, trying my tux on two months ago was not gonna make me 6-foot-5 and black.
Don't remind me.
We're gonna be so late.
- Kel, do you know how to sew? - No, but he does.
Beautiful.
Sew like the wind.
No problem.
Kel, come upstairs.
Help me finish getting ready.
So where did you learn to sew? National Guard.
They teach you to knit little booties too? No, but they taught me how to kill a man with a thumb to the eyeball.
You should take them out about two inches.
You're good friends with someone when you're willing to shove your arm up their pantyhose.
How could every pair have a run in them? I walk and sit.
To look at these, you'd think I scale barbed wire for a living.
So is it gonna be a little weird for you, seeing Todd walk down the aisle? Why would it be weird? Girl, you know what I'm talking about.
Shut up.
It was one time.
I was young, I had very high hair.
It hardly even counts.
- Oh, nice work.
Very nice.
- Thank you.
You must've been popular with the other guardsmen.
I did all right.
I'll tell you though, I still wish we didn't have to waste half our Saturday on this stupid thing.
Yeah, tell me about it.
Some good games on.
Carrie and Kelly are the ones who went to school with this guy.
They should just go as each other's dates and leave us out of it, huh? Absolutely.
Hey, you know what you should do to get even? Next time, drag Carrie to a wedding of somebody you had sex with.
Yeah.
Do what? Nothing.
What are you saying? Are you saying that Carrie had sex with Todd? Maybe.
Probably not though.
- Well, did she? - Yes.
Before you guys were ever together.
I assumed you knew.
No, Carrie never told me.
Told you what? About Todd and Carrie and the: - You weren't supposed to tell him.
- You never said that.
- Well, I assumed you weren't an idiot.
- Well, you assumed wrong.
I feel like I've been punched in the stomach.
Okay.
I got pantyhose, you got pants, we are good to go.
Long Island is so beautiful.
We should get an estate out here, hon.
Hey, I'm looking to make a swap.
You order the steak or the fish? - Fish.
- You? - Fish.
- I can't catch a break here.
So, nice ceremony, huh? I can't believe little Todd is actually married.
Little Todd, huh? So you really teared up back there.
Well, Todd and I, we go way back.
- What? - No, I was just thinking, you know, what with you and Todd being such old close friends, I'm surprised the two of you, you know, never hooked up.
- What do you mean? - You know, got freaky, did the: Is that what you kids are calling it these days? You're funny, honey.
Actually, now that I see him with the lights up, he's not the best-looking bow in the bag.
Look at those beady eyes, huh? That gigantic misshapen head? Kind of a freak, actually.
You'd have to be quite a hard-up skank to wanna jump those bones, huh, Carrie? Well, skank is a little harsh.
Is it? Well, whatever.
Hey, look at that.
Little fried things.
So word on the street is, you ordered the steak.
- Yes, why? - You didn't hear? There's been some rumblings about the meat.
- What do you mean? - Mad cow disease.
I had it as a child, so I'm immune.
I ordered the fish, but I'd be happy to switch entrées with you.
No, thank you.
Kel, does Doug seem weird to you at all today? - What do you mean? - It's just, like Seems like he knows what happened between Todd and I.
Like he smells it on me.
Well, men are perceptive like that.
Have you met Doug? Well, no, no, maybe you were just projecting a vibe or Deacon told him.
You told Deacon? He wasn't supposed to say anything, but I will tell you this: He is in big trouble.
Oh, thank you.
What am I gonna do? "We're just friends.
Part of the same crowd.
" Crowd, yeah.
Two's a crowd.
Good one, Dougie.
Hey, where you going? You're with us, pal.
Just try to forget about it, all right? It's not that big a deal.
That's easy for you to say.
Oh, and speaking of easy, here comes the little missis.
I'm gonna find Kelly.
I'll catch up with you later.
- Hi, Carrie.
- Deacon.
- Hi there.
- Hi.
You know, we should just pop into that reception line and say congrats to them.
Great.
Perfect.
Let's pop.
Hey Remember when you asked me if Todd and I ever had a thing? Well, I was just thinking and I think, maybe one time, we may have.
Yeah, yeah, we did.
I, like, totally forgot about it.
Oh, my God.
Anyhoo Nice room, isn't it? I wanna take one of those centrepieces home, just for you.
You finally come clean, huh? Doug, please don't make a big deal about this.
It was a long time ago.
Why didn't you tell me in the first place? It's an interesting point I raise, isn't it? Isn't it? Doug.
Carrie, hey.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Congratulations, Todd, on everything.
Oh, thanks for coming.
- Hey, you.
- Hi.
Come on, how about a hug, huh? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Hey, Paula.
Come here, you.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
Have we met? Oh, we have now.
- You look so beautiful.
- Oh, thank you.
I'm glad you're here.
It means a lot to me.
Let me steal another one, okay? Oh, one more for daddy.
Doug I'm almost done.
There you go.
God, I love this kid.
So, Todd, I'm very happy for you.
I hope you have a long and healthy life together.
That being said, I need to talk to you about my entrée, because I'm getting the run-around here.
Okay, Doug, you made your point.
I'm sorry I never told you.
Now could we just forget about it and enjoy the wedding? Now it all makes sense.
"Shower, Doug.
Fit into that tux, Doug.
" You just wanted to doll me up and show off your trophy to your precious little Todd.
Would you stop it? We're together one time, nine years ago on a ski trip for God's sake.
Yeah, then why'd you need to lie about it? I did not lie about it.
I never once said, I did not sleep with Todd.
You just assumed it.
Oh, yeah, okay, yeah.
This is my fault.
Okay, so from now on, when we meet a guy, I'll just assume you did sleep with him unless you tell me otherwise.
You know, maybe we'll work out a little signal, all right? Ah, this is no: And this is yes: You know, I'm not gonna talk to you when you're out of control like this.
- Look what you did.
- I'm sorry.
I had the needle, the thread, I just started gabbing.
Why do guys overreact to this stuff? I tried to calm him down but the truth is, I don't think he is overreacting.
I mean, you were friends with this guy too.
I'd be upset if I found out you slept with him and never told me about it.
I'm just saying, you can't make a person choose a meal eight weeks in advance, it's barbaric.
Please, can we just talk about this later? Because, you know, the line is backing up and- February 23rd, the year 2005.
Fish or steak, Todd? Decide right now.
Doesn't feel too good when you're in the hot seat.
Does it, Todd? Does it? Mr.
and Mrs.
Todd Skobansky.
Aren't they beautiful, ladies and gentlemen? Now we'd like to invite all the couples who are in love, to join Todd and Paula on the dance floor.
Get on up there, ladies and gentlemen.
So welcome to the Todd-Had- Your-Wife-Before-You-Did Club.
Kelly swore they didn't sleep together, they just fooled around.
Which means what? I didn't ask.
You gotta give the guy credit.
He nailed both our wives and now here we are giving him gifts.
- Oh, hey, there she is.
- Hi.
So where you kids headed off for the old honeymoon? Not that it matters.
I'm sure you'll be spending the whole time indoors, am I right? I don't really know.
No, I'm just assuming that because, you know, once you've been with a guy like Todd, I'm sure everyone after that would be a let-down.
Am I right or wrong? Please tell me.
I think my father wants to dance with me.
All right.
Hey, congratulations again.
Todd and I were roommates at college.
And, Paula, let me give you a little advice, hide your laundry money.
But seriously, Todd and I have been through a lot together: Bio class, the big games, keg parties at Phi Delt.
Todd never touched the stuff.
Oh, excuse me, I ordered the steak.
No, sir, you didn't.
How do you know what I ordered? Were you there? No, the people who ordered steak have a black ribbon on their place card.
You have a yellow ribbon, which is for fish.
Yellow ribbon? No, no, no.
That's for the hostages.
Congratulations, you guys.
And, Todd, I love you, man.
And next on the toast list is Paula's first cousin, Jill McCarthy.
Well, Paula was always the youngest cousin in the family, the baby.
And, Paula, I cannot believe that you're actually married, before me.
So, Doug, what's the deal? You're not gonna come, sit and eat because I slept with Todd nine years ago? That's correct.
Come on.
Doug, what is going on with you? You know we were both with other people before we ever got together.
In fact, you showed me that list you kept.
That's right, I showed you my list.
And you know what? There was no one missing on my list either.
In fact, I threw in a few fakes just to fill it out.
- Okay, I didn't make a list, excuse me.
- That's not the point.
The point is, we've hung out with Todd.
And all those times, you knew, he knew.
Everyone knew except the big fat idiot here.
I mean, were you laughing and high-fiving each other behind my back? Yeah, that's what we were doing.
You made a fool of me, Carrie.
And I would never do that to you.
Congratulations, you guys.
Next on the magic list here is Carrie Heffernan.
Come on up, Carrie.
- Come on up.
- Okay.
Hi, what can I say about Todd? I'm just remembering now, Todd and I ran into each other a few years ago at a party.
And I was there on my second date with this guy named Doug, who's now my husband.
Thank you.
Anyway, I introduced Todd as my really good friend, which was mostly true, except for one thing that I left out.
Which was that Todd and I had actually been sexually intimate.
Doug.
Doug, would you listen to me? Maybe I should've told you the truth that night but I didn't because I really liked you, and I wanted things to work out between us.
I mean, if I would've said: "Hey, PS, you see that guy over there? I did him.
" Would you have asked me out again? - I don't know, maybe.
- Yeah, maybe.
And maybe not.
And then, we wouldn't have gone to Coney Island and you wouldn't have kissed me on the bumper cars, and I would've missed out on the The best thing that's ever happened to me.
You're referring to me? Yes, I'm referring to you.
I love you.
I love you too.
Maybe I overreacted.
It's just that I don't know, even imagining you with another guy just gets me insane.
Believe me, my thing with Todd was nothing to get insane about.
Really? Really.
It was nothing.
And I mean nothing.
Nada.
Zip.
Over in a minute.
- Yeah, in a minute? Really? - Yeah, if that.
And then he kept apologizing and he burst into tears.
Then he said something about having a fear of intimacy because his mother didn't hold him as a child.
It's like, too much information, buddy.
Oh, my God.
Hey, is that microphone still on? Hope you guys enjoyed our little skit.
It was just our little way of wishing Todd and Paula good luck.
Good luck, kids.
Play something.
And now, we'd like to invite everyone who ordered steak to join us on the dance floor.