The King of Queens s01e24 Episode Script

Art House

What are you doin'? I'm sittin' over here today.
Why? I don't know.
I never sit here.
It's a new perspective.
Whatever.
Ok, enough.
Could you just come sit over here? I want to stay here.
I like it.
Do-do-do-do- do-do-dai I got a new seat.
Da-da-ba-da-ba-da Ok, fine.
Ahem.
Ah, this is nice.
You can be so petty sometimes.
Oh, my God, could it be any hotter? Brutal.
Come here, this helps a little, come here.
So, how was your day? It was good.
How was yours? It was good.
Ooh, "zesty parmesan.
" When did you get that? Last time I went shopping.
I also got those vegetable potstickers.
Do you like those? Mmm, not so much.
Oh.
Ok, I think I'm getting freezer burn.
Honey, tell me, do I have the word "pushover" on my forehead? No.
But you do have some kind of sauce.
You're not gonna believe this.
This afternoon, I was at that cute little spot where I like to throw bread crumbs to the birds.
Petland? Right.
So, right next door at the thrift shop, I saw this beautiful armoire which would be perfect for my room, so I bought it.
Oh, good.
Maybe now you can unroll your suits and hang 'em up.
Not so fast.
This is where the story takes an ugly turn.
After we agreed on the price, he drops a delivery charge on me.
That's a lot of clams.
Dad, that's nothing.
Just pay it.
Oh, I'm not gonna do that.
The deal was made and he reneged! I mean, what am I? A sap, a sucker, a butter-and-egg man? Douglas, what are the chances I could borrow your delivery truck tomorrow, huh? Mmm, I'm thinking somewhere in the zero range.
Uh-huh.
Wednesday, then? Arthur, let me explain something to you.
The truck doesn't belong to me, it belongs to the international parcel service.
That's why you couldn't borrow it for your paper route, and that's why you can't borrow it for this.
Dad, look, here's $15.
Just have them deliver it.
Please.
Oh, that would be easy, wouldn't it? Yes.
Easy.
Easy is good.
Sorry, sweetheart, but if I took your money I would never be able to face the man in the mirror.
The scary thing is, he's not talking about himself.
Just a little bit r-e-s-p-e-c-t Find out what we're gonna be R-e-s-b-b-b-b, everybody's in my tree Sock it to me, sock it to me sock it to me, sock it to me a little respect whoa, babe, a little respect just a little bit talking 'bout just a little bit keep on tryin' just a little bit Give us a break, will you? We only got one good hip between us! Lift with your legs.
Oh, don't tell me how to lift.
Well, it seems as though fate took a hand, huh? Yeah.
It would've been simpler if you agreed to move my armoire in the first place, but it's a good lesson for next time.
Cookie? Don't mind if I do.
Mickey, I told you to stop opening packages.
Oh, did ya? This hearing aid is crap.
I heard "stop making sausages.
" And why would I say that? Heffernan! What the hell is going on? I'm getting calls left and right from customers waiting for drop-offs.
What's that? That Howard stern fella? It's Howard stern.
He's talking directly to me.
I'm sorry supervisor O'Boyle, see, I got caught up in a little unexpected delay.
Delay? Yeah, the thing is I--I-- i--I--I--I don't give a flying crap.
Just unplug your head from your butt and get the route done.
Absolutely, sir.
I'm gonna be-- Arthur! How dare you talk to that man like that.
Arthur.
Who is this? This is your worst nightmare, friend.
I was in the U.
S.
army, and I'm telling you to step off.
Yeah? Well, I was in the 42nd brigade.
Pretty tough bunch.
You're on your own here.
Oh, what a wuss.
Shut up, old man.
Oh, you are home.
What are you doing in here? I--I can't go in that house.
If I--if I'm in the same building with him, I'll--I'll do something.
Something unholy involving him and that armoire.
Doug, just relax.
What happened with your boss today? He reamed me out in front of the entire office! And then he assigned me to package-sorting duty for a week.
Package sorting.
He might as well have thrown a wig on me and called me Sally.
All right, Doug, listen, I will go downstairs, and I will talk to my dad.
I'll just tell him he's gotta-- gotta what? What? What? Stop being a lunatic? I will start there, yes.
Listen, honey, I'm gonna ask you a question here, and I don't want you to take this the wrong way.
Does anyone else know he's here? Stop.
Come on, it just seems worse than it is because it's, like, and you've been breathing in a lot of paint thinner.
Now, let's just go inside and take a nice cool shower.
Mmm, keep talkin'.
I'll let you videotape it.
Oh, sorry, darling, I didn't realize you were-- you were home.
Hi, daddy.
Heard you and Doug had a little adventure today.
Indeed we did.
And on that note, Douglas, there's something that needs to be said.
I'm listening.
You put a nasty little Nick in my armoire.
That's what needs to be said? Ok, you know what? Why don't you come inside, dad? I'll make you a nice baked apple.
Come on.
I realize you were distracted by your boss' hurtful comments about your weight, but you might be a little bit more careful in the future.
Your customers may not be as forgiving as I am.
Baked apple, right this way.
Arthur, do--do you understand at all that you almost got me canned? You know, it's bad enough that you trounce all over my home, do you have to trounce on my job, too? That's too much trouncing.
Oh, you think this living arrangement is easy for me? You think I like walking around here on eggshells? Eggshells? Is that what we've been getting here for the past few-- eggshells? You on eggshells? Well, thank you for holding back! All right, enough.
The both of you.
Now, let's all just go inside, I will make you a baked apple, I will take a shower-- reverse that.
Let's just all go inside.
Douglas, obviously my living here is very unpleasant for you.
Perhaps I should make some other arrangements.
Dad, stop it.
No, no, no, no.
I'm interested.
Go on.
Where would you go? Where would you go? Come on, come on.
Where would you go? I have options.
Options? Oh, so there are several mental institutions wooing you? So, I'm just a crazy old man who can't hack it on my own, is that what you think? Yes.
That's not stopping.
Well, let me tell you something, Douglas.
I've been on my own since I was 17.
I could take care of myself then, and I can take care of myself now.
Where'd that door go? It's over here, dad.
Fine.
I'm gonna get my things.
I'll be staying at Mickey's until I can find a more permanent situation! Oh, my God! God! Doug, was that really necessary? What are you talkin' about? Why did you have to provoke him? Oh, yeah, I'm--I'm the bad guy here, huh? He gets to do whatever he wants.
I say one little comment about how he should be in a mental institution, and I'm the big provoker.
Yes.
Doug, come on, you know him, you know the way he is.
He's like a 75-year-old You can't let him pull you in.
You just gotta nod and smile and hang his drawings up on the refrigerator.
Have you seen his drawings, by the way? Scary stuff.
Come on, sweetie, could you just go downstairs and say you're sorry? No.
Doug.
Carrie, no, I'm tired of it, all right? That basement was my t.
V.
Room, my fort, you know? And I gave it up to him 'cause he didn't have a place to live.
And if he can't appreciate that, well, you know what? Let him move out.
Doug, what do you want me to say? That he's crazy? That he makes you crazy? That he's a strain on our marriage? I admit all of that.
Now, go beg him to stay.
All right, that's it.
I've taken only what I came here with and some hand towels.
A-Arthur? Yes? Look, I'm sorry.
I like having you here, and we want you to stay.
Oh, I see Dr.
Jekyll has returned.
Frankly, Douglas, your mood swings are frightening.
Case in point.
Goodbye.
I'll send for my armoire! Ahh.
That's nice.
Sweet.
Comin' back to papa.
Oh, yeah, feels good.
Sassy.
Bring it, baby.
Uh, guys, why is the fan stopping short of me? 'Cause we angled it that way.
That's--that's not fair.
Hey, there's only enough oscillation for 3 guys.
Just have another popsicle.
I've had 6.
You know, y'all keep treating me this way, I could very well leave the group.
I'm not kidding.
There are some guys at work that have shown some serious interest in me.
I'm gonna let that sink in While I get another popsicle.
Ahem.
Hello? Oh, hi, Arthur.
No, Carrie's not here.
It's just me and the guys.
Fine.
Hold on.
He says he wants to talk to anyone whose name doesn't rhyme with "uglas.
" I'll take it.
Hello? Hang on.
He wants me to ask you how you're doing.
I'm fine.
He's fine.
He says, "I don't care.
Ha, ha, ha.
" Is that it? Oh, yeah? Oh, good for you.
Yeah, sure.
All right, take it easy.
What? He moved into his own apartment yesterday.
Are you kidding me? No.
He' s having a housewarming party tomorrow and Carrie's invited, plus a guest.
I c-can't believe it.
He's actually doing this.
We figured he'd be back here in a couple days, but he actually moved out.
He's really gone.
Oh, I owe you one, big guy.
All right, careful.
Careful My finger's getting crushed.
Hey.
It's just a finger, ok? This is an entire entertainment system, so suck it up.
Can we get some room over here? You're not even holding any of it.
I'm guiding it.
Hey.
You ladies wanna settle that, huh? Spence's nose is starting to bleed.
Thank you.
Doug? Hi, honey.
Hi, carr'.
My finger.
What's going on? Why are you moving the t.
V.
Back downstairs? Oh, get ready for some great news.
Your dad found his own apartment.
What? Yeah, he called about a half hour ago.
Boy, the old fella sure showed us a thing or 2, huh? Ok, next 2 steps, let's go.
Wait a minute.
What? I don't know what stupid thing my father's up to, but he can't live on his own! You said that yourself! Yeah, but I was wrong.
Give the guy some credit.
Ok, this is wreaking havoc with my one descended testicle here.
God, he's probably sitting in a tiny room all by himself, with roaches, cooking on a hot plate, listening to his crappy little radio Hey, it's a nice radio, hon'.
How could I even let him leave? I'm his daughter.
I'm supposed to be taking care of him.
C-come on, honey, he's gonna be fine.
I love you.
What are we doing here? Up or down? I don't know.
Deke, go see what she's doing in the kitchen, huh? How you doing? She's sitting at the table.
And? Crying.
But not hard.
Back up, back up.
Honey, it's a housewarming.
I still say we should've brought something.
If not a plant, at least a pie.
Doug, we are not going for a housewarming.
We are going there to tell him, without fighting, that he can't live like this and he has to come home.
Fine.
I can't see how a pie would hurt.
Welcome! Hey, Arthur.
So, darling, what do you think? Dad, I--I want you to come home.
You can't live like this.
Honey, come on, there's an omelet bar.
I gotta tell you, the man throws a great party.
I had no idea he could play the piano like that.
Mmm-hmm.
Come on, honey, cheer up.
This is a great situation for him.
He was living in a basement, now he's got a deluxe apartment in the sky 7 I don't understand why you're not happy for him.
I am.
I just-- I feel guilty.
About what? Well, he was with us for a year, and I had a real chance to get closer to him and I didn't.
I just blew him off.
No.
Doug, there are some days that all I said to him was, "good morning.
" And not even a full "good morning.
" It was more like a "g'morning.
" I couldn't even give him the "ood.
" Do you know that there was one day last week that I actually hid from him? Hey, who hasn't? Now, come on, this is good, right? I mean, we got our life back.
Oh, I know.
It's good, I guess.
Hey, I know what'll put a smile on your face.
How about I go splash those people at that bus stop.
Well, if you're gonna do it, you're gonna have to speed up.
All I'm saying is in Europe, women's breasts are no big deal.
They lie topless on the beach all day, and men don't even care.
You ever stop to think that European guys just pretend not to care so the women will take their tops off? Yeah.
This way they get to sip coffee and stare at boobies all day long.
Boobies? That's interesting.
You think that would work on women here? Nah, it would take too many years to fool women into thinking that we don't care.
Although, it would be something nice to do for future generations.
Yeah.
I'd like my son to grow up in that kind of world.
Well, I'm out of here.
I gotta go back to the firehouse.
Yeah, I gotta roll, too.
Oh, uh, one of you give me a ride? Yeah, sure, you can hop in the trunk.
Remember Friday night, uh, mets-braves, right here, ok? Oh, hey, and we're breaking in the George foreman healthy grill, so bring your chopped meat.
Douglas? Hey, Arthur.
What brings you by? Uh, in my haste to pack, I inadvertently took a 3-pronged adapter.
I believe this is yours.
We were worried.
Thank you.
Hey, can I get you a beer? Sure.
That's what the air bags are for.
By the way, I'm glad you could make it over to my soiree the other night.
Well, thanks for the invite.
I had a great time.
Ah, you really knocked 'em dead with the charades.
Of course, you, uh, lucked out with the "Jake and the fatman.
" Yeah, I really caught a break, huh? Yeah.
Yeah.
The old room.
This really takes me back.
So, how are you and Carrie doing since I left? Great.
We're doing fine.
You sure? 'Cause sometimes someone moves out, and everything gets out of whack.
Trust me, everything's in whack.
Good.
'Cause if my leaving caused any problems, I'd move right back in.
Hey, you'd have to kill me first.
Ah, no, seriously, Arthur, I'm, you know, I'm really happy for you.
You found your own apartment and, uh, I hope you enjoy it.
Speaking of the apartment, any chance you could lend me $1,700 a month indefinitely? What? I may have over-leveraged myself a bit in getting that place.
What are you saying? You can't afford it? Mmm, not at the present time, no.
Although, I have an idea for something that could make millions, if a lot of left-handed people are willing to give me a weekend of their time.
What is wrong with you? Why did you take a place that you can't pay for? I wanted to prove that you were wrong.
That I could live on my own.
But you couldn't.
Only because I didn't have the money.
Well, that's a big part of the "living on your own" package.
Fair enough.
Now that we agree on that, let's talk about my moving back in.
When will your truck be available? Douglas? So, you want to move back in, huh? That would be real convenient for you, wouldn't it? You leave for a few days, you bounce around the outside world for a while like that bird who's "cuckoo for cocoa puffs," and then you just waltz back in.
Well, you know what, Arthur? Take my basement back.
It's yours.
You know what? Fine, take it.
And while you're at it, why don't you take the t.
V.
, too? And--and the fussball table, and, uh, hey, the couch.
It yours.
It's all yours.
Hey, take my mustard-stained jets blanket, huh? Oh, and--and my baseball encyclopedia, oh, and my x-rated video with the label, "bad news bears go to Japan," so Carrie won't notice it.
Take it all, Arthur! Hey, what else can I get for you? Hey, do you want the flooring? 'Cause I could rip up the carpet.
Come on, what else can I give you? How 'bout my kidneys? Come on, I have 2.
What the hell, take 'em both, Arthur! God, why should I have anything, right? All I do is go to work every day and pay my mortgage on time.
And when it's not on time, it's certainly within the grace period! But I guess that means nothing.
Nothing! And you know what? That's fine.
I'll just be a guy going through life with no basement and no kidneys! Ok, keep doing it.
You got it.
You got it.
All right, shimmy it up, will you? For God's sake, lift with your legs.