The King of Queens s02e01 Episode Script

Queasy Rider

Douglas, just the man I wanted to see.
Give my résumé a once-over, will you? Your résumé? What's that about? You wanna go back to work? Yeah, I just can't take it anymore, Douglas, sitting alone in that basement all day.
I'll be honest with you, I'm starting to have some very strange thoughts.
Really? Hadn't picked up on that.
So this gonna land me a job or what? Well, my first thought is you might not wanna do it in Magic Marker.
And which Little Rascal were you? Onions.
Beloved by millions till that bastard Alfalfa took it all away.
All right, this, see, I gotta throw a flag on this, okay? Somebody's gonna check with NASA.
That's for me to worry about.
All I wanted was for you to double-check my spelling and grammar, not nitpick at every little detail! Okay! Fine! You spelled GPA wrong.
Other than that, it's perfect.
Thank you.
So there I am watching TV with my mom, and I turn to her and go, "Hey, when is Aunt Gwinnie getting here?" So I hear Larry King on the TV say, "She'll be with us at 7.
" See, he was talking about a guest, I think it was Joyce DeWitt or Cindy Williams, I always get those two mixed up.
But it sounded like he was answering me.
That's so weird, isn't it? I wonder where Doug is.
I bet you wish to God you hadn't lost your house key.
No, no.
This is nice.
Did you read that thing in the Times about how some men can lactate? Man, that was awesome! It's a rush every time you get on.
- Hey.
- Hey, babe.
What's up? Oh, not much, I was just out riding on Richie's hog.
Okay, please rephrase that.
I got a motorcycle.
- Really? - Yeah, it's unbelievable.
We went from here to Modell's and back in two minutes.
It's so fast.
You zip in and out through traffic.
And I gotta level with you, there was a breeze blowing up my shorts that felt like Christmas.
- Very nice.
House key, please? - Oh, right.
God, that was so cool.
Everybody's looking at you, like, whizzing by.
And then out of nowhere, Richie just pulls this wheelie.
I wasn't going for one.
You just leaned back.
You know, from here, it sounds like Mr.
Doug wants to buy himself a motorcycle.
You know what? I am a little tempted.
Moose, you should see the guy that I got mine from.
He's got some real beauties cheap and they run like new.
You know what? Give me his number.
Maybe I'll give him a call - You're not getting a motorcycle.
- Why not? If I want Okay, Doug, did you not hear my buzzer noise? - This is not gonna happen.
- Why not? Because they're too dangerous, and people die on them.
I don't wanna have to constantly worry about you.
- But, Carrie, I wouldn't - Doug, no motorcycle.
If you want, I'll buy you a Schwinn, we'll put a baseball card in the spokes, it'll sound almost the same, okay? Screw that noise.
I can get one if I want.
Okay, Doug, give me your hand, I wanna make this easy for you.
No.
No.
Give me the keys, I don't wanna miss The Real World.
I love you.
Don't be home late.
Bye, guys.
- Later, Carrie.
- Bye.
- What? - Nothing.
So you wanna shoot some pool, Mrs.
Heffernan? Yeah, we could spot you two balls.
Hey, so much for traditional gender roles, huh? I'm gonna use the bathroom.
So yeah, you wanna shoot a game? For real.
No.
You know what, no, thanks.
Come on, we're just kidding around.
It's not you, it's Carrie.
I mean, what was that about? "No.
No discussion sorry sorry.
" Easy.
Easy.
I just thought marriage was supposed to be this mutual sharing dialog thing.
No.
You know what? Ours is, usually.
Oh, really? Last year, where was it you wanted to go on vacation? - Baseball Hall of Fame.
- Baseball Hall of Fame.
Cooperstown.
And where'd you end up going? Antiquing in Connecticut.
So you did.
And last week, when we were renting movies to watch with the wives, what did we end up renting? I can't remember.
- No, what did we rent? - I don't know.
- What did we rent? - Hope Floats! There it is! Hope Floats! You see what I'm saying? You're married.
Don't fight it.
You just gotta focus on a point on the wall, and let it happen.
No.
No, you know what? You focus.
Not this guy.
I'm picking up my own soap and I'm getting out of the shower.
Soap? What the hell are you talking about? I don't know.
What were you talking about? - She's pretty sweet, huh? - Oh, that she is.
Richie's right, you do nice work.
Yeah, I hollowed out the cams, put in bigger piston heads, you know, give her a couple more horses.
Good.
Good, yeah, because I probably would've hollowed them out myself.
Now I don't have to, that's good.
So you wanna do the deal? - Don't know.
What do you want for it? - Twelve hundred.
It's a nice bike but I don't know if it's 1200 nice.
- Twelve hundred.
- It is nice.
Still, I don't know.
You know, 1200.
What are you looking for? I don't know.
Here's 1200.
Darling, I need to borrow the iron.
Dad, I've told you, if you want a grilled cheese sandwich, I will make you one.
No, no, I just wanted to press my pants.
I got a job interview in the morning.
Really? Good for you.
What for? Head of Paediatrics, Long Island Jewish.
Great.
Sure hope you don't get it.
Okay, I think I know where that came from.
Now, look, I love you.
When I go back to work, you will not become a latchkey child.
That is my pledge to you.
- Hey, babe.
- Hi.
What happened? I thought you were coming home right after work.
Actually, I stopped somewhere first.
In fact, I need to talk to you.
Let me just get dinner started real quick.
Dinner can wait.
You know, I wanna get this out now.
Dinner can wait? Okay, now you're really scaring me.
Well, what? Carrie, sometimes in a marriage, there comes a time when one of the members of that marriage needs to express themselves in a way that Douglas, that is one badass motorcycle you got out there.
Nice work, kiddo.
- You got a motorcycle? - Can I finish my story, please? - You got a motorcycle? - Yeah, yeah, I got a bike.
I got a bike.
There, I said it.
I don't care.
I said it.
It's out there.
By the way, Douglas, did Carrie tell you I got a job interview? Honey, you can't run from this, Daddy needs to work.
Douglas, get after her.
Have you lost your mind? I mean, we discussed this.
No, no, we didn't discuss it, you discussed it.
I barely got a sentence in.
Doug, I specifically forbade you from buying this.
Forbade me? You can't forbade me.
Are you insane? I mean, what the hell do you think you're doing here? I knew you would overreact like this.
I just wanted one, huh? It'll be fun.
Fun? Really? Will it be fun when you're in a wheelchair? Maybe.
- This is going back tomorrow.
- No, it's not going back tomorrow.
- Oh, it is.
- Oh, it's not.
- It's so going back.
- It's so not going back.
Okay, Doug, not only are you stupid for buying this, but you're arguing about it in a really annoying way.
Tough noogies.
Look, I'm keeping the motorcycle.
For once, I'm wearing the pants in the family.
- Fine.
Keep the damn bike.
- Fine.
I will.
- Fine.
- I will.
- Fine.
- I will! And by the way, if you wanna wear the pants, you might think about pulling them up.
Well, Peaches, I think congratulations are in order.
Your father got himself a job.
Well, I'm gonna assume it's not the head of Paediatrics? No, no, unfortunately, they did a little fishing around.
So instead, I accepted an offer from an enterprise known as A Big Hot Pretzel.
Well, the important thing is you still get to work with kids.
- Congratulations, I'm proud of you.
- Thank you.
Pay's not great, but they agreed to let me work evenings.
That way, you and I can have our days together.
I'd love to, Dad, but you know I work during the day.
Come on, darling, you're gonna have to be flexible if we're gonna make this work.
Okay, well, I guess my only other option is to quit my job.
- That's my girl.
- Okay.
Sewing kit, here we go.
Gotta let the crotch out on these trousers.
After all, I'm selling pretzels, not myself.
What's up? Hey, babe.
Kiss? You wanna know where I was? I was out cruising.
Good for you, sweetie.
I was on my motorcycle.
I know, I know.
I'm fine with that.
- You are? - Yeah.
You know, I had a good night's sleep, thought things through, and I figured, hey, you know what? If a motorcycle makes you happy, then I'm happy too.
Because you know what? Life's too short not to do the things that make you happy, right? Right.
So you wanna split an egg roll? - Do you? - All right What are you doing, here? What? Oh, this? I'm just doing what makes me happy.
Oh, you know what? These are so smooth.
We've come a long way, baby.
So you're gonna get cancer to make a point? Sure.
I'll be in an iron lung, you'll be in a wheelchair.
You know what? Maybe we can chip in and share a helper monkey.
You know what? It's not gonna work because you can smoke all you want.
- I don't care.
- Well, I'm glad you feel that way.
I do.
I do, I do, you know? I'm not gonna play games.
I'm not going to that place you want me to go, here.
If you wanna ruin your lungs, then that's All right.
Put it out! I can't eat near that stink.
Well, then go eat with your motorcycle, because I likes to smoke while I eat.
Fine.
You know what? I will.
I will.
You know what? I will.
And you can smoke all you want because I'm keeping my motorcycle.
Duck sauce.
Oh, don't mind me.
I'm just looking for something.
Oh, thank God.
You know, if you lose one of these things, it comes right out of your paycheque.
I already owe them for that stupid soda machine.
So you still enjoying the chopper? Oh, yeah.
It's great.
Don't let Carrie get you down.
You know, when I had my motorcycle, her mother was the same way.
- You had a bike? - Sure.
Loved it too.
The great open road, the rumble of your machine, the camaraderie of your gang brothers.
- You were in a gang? - Not really.
I asked them to let me in, but they drank heavily all weekend and beat me pretty severely.
Okay.
And I think I may have been compromised by a gentleman named Road Dog.
I hate you! - Carrie! - Up here.
Hey.
Wanna have sex? I'm getting rid of the bike.
You are? - I'm selling it tomorrow.
You happy? - Well, yeah.
What happened? You get sick of it? No, sorry, I didn't get sick of it.
- You got sick of it.
- No.
- Yes! - No.
Let me tell you something, I love that bike.
I'm a free spirit on that bike.
Me and that bike are like this, okay? Then why are you getting rid of it? "Why", you ask me? Because it just so happens that I love this more.
This is why I'm getting rid of the bike and no other reason.
And you know what? If you can't understand that, then how sad your world must be.
Oh, there she is.
The harpy who made her husband sell his motorcycle.
- Dad, please.
- Please, nothing.
I know why you did this.
But let me tell you one thing.
Motorcycle or no motorcycle, I'll find a way to get to work! - Dad.
- I'll take the bus if I have to.
Sure, the bus can't pick me up at my front door or make my tushy feel good with its rhythmic vibrations, but Dad! Wait, would you just listen to me, please? I'm glad you got a job.
I made Doug get rid of the motorcycle because they're way too dangerous.
Well, you know what's more dangerous? What? Having somebody resent you for making them give up their dream.
And you know what's even more dangerous? Leaving a pair of boxer shorts drying on a space heater.
So if you'll excuse me I sold you.
Oh, shoot, you're home already.
I didn't get a chance to put the bow on it yet.
- Well, here.
- What have you done? I felt really guilty about making you sell it and I didn't want you to hate me for the rest of your life, so I bought it back.
You bought it back.
That's You bought it back.
So, what's the deal, I don't get a hug for this? Oh, you got it.
Okay, okay, yeah.
Now, no riding at night and no riding on the expressway, and no riding in bad weather.
- You got it? - Yeah, yeah.
Oh, wait, I have another surprise for you.
They just keep coming, don't they? Now we can go riding together.
Look at me.
I'm Pinky Tuscadero.
Come on, let's take her for a spin.
Let's bust some heads, baby! Okay.
- Come on! - Okay! Yeah, okay.
Honey, don't you need to, like, start it or something? Funny story.
Hey, get ready to laugh.
Turns out, I hate the bike.
What? I hate it.
Hey, let's go buy you a gift.
- Come on.
- Doug! What do you mean you hate the bike? I thought you loved this thing.
I don't love it, okay? I mean, I get rained on, people laugh at me, and at night, no one can see you.
At night, you're gonna die.
You might as well just face it, you're gonna die.
Well, then, what was that load of crap you gave me about how you loved it but you loved this more? I was embarrassed.
I was trying to get out of this with a shred of manhood.
And you thought you'd do that by making me feel guilty for the rest of my life? It felt right at the time, yeah.
- What is wrong with you? - I fell there! - Look, it was your fault too.
- My fault.
Yeah, that buzzer noise is so insulting, you know? I don't like it when you do it in front of my friends.
And I really don't like it when you do it during sex.
Anybody would've buzzed you on that one.
Hello? It was dark.
I was disoriented.
Okay, I'm sorry I buzzed you about getting the motorcycle.
I just did it because I love you.
I know.
I love you too.
Come here.
All right, well, let's see where we're at with this thing.
We got a bike that we don't want, that we bought twice, and I'm addicted to smoking.
Yeah, but we still got this right? Oh, yeah, we still have this: Okay, I guess I'll just call Dirk tomorrow and see if I can get my 800 bucks back.
Eight? You got the bike for 8? Yeah.
He wanted 1200.
Can you believe that? That's ridiculous.
- Hey, honey.
- Hey.
How you feeling? Great.
This nicotine patch really works.
It's like, "Cigarette? No, thanks.
" Good.
I'm glad you feel that way.
You know what, we're getting low on shampoo.
- Can you pick up some later? - You got it.
And don't forget, we're having dinner with Deacon and Kelly on Thursday.