The King of Queens s02e03 Episode Script

Assaulted Nuts

Douglas? Douglas.
Douglas.
What? - Come here.
- I'm busy.
You're dizzy? I'm busy, with a B.
Dizzy? Yes, I'm dizzy.
Well, come down here anyway.
Hold on to the rail.
What is it? I can't get the naked channel.
We don't get the naked channel.
Yes, we do.
We were watching it last night.
That was Nightline.
Just tell me, what number is the naked channel? We don't get the naked channel! Why not? I don't know! - Doug.
- What? Would you come here? I need help with these boxes.
I'm in the middle of something.
Doug.
All right, all right.
Wow, you're making progress in here, huh? Yeah, I have to.
It's my only day to get it done.
Okay.
All these boxes out here can go in the garage, and these boxes here you can take down to the dumpster, okay? Hello? Dumpster.
Hey, I'm not sure I wanna get rid of this stuff.
Hey, look at this, one of my videotapes.
I wanna keep this.
Okay, this is an episode of Quincy.
Excuse me, two episodes.
Okay, fine.
Just Keep it, keep all of it.
Just get it out of here.
And while you're at it, could you toss out those newspapers? I'm gonna read those.
Okay.
Doug, all I want is a lousy 3-by-3 space so I can do my work in peace.
Why are you fighting me? I'm not.
I'm fine with your whole home-office thing.
Fine.
Not clear on why we need a bank loan to get it done though.
I'll tell you that.
Because all our cash is tied up.
Yeah, but still, a loan? Let me tell you something, Carrie.
I could turn this room into a palace for a hundred bucks.
Sorry.
It's gonna cost more than a hundred bucks.
- How much more? - Try 40 times that.
Forty thousand dollars? Oh, wait a second.
Four thousand dollars? Yes, Doug, $4000.
I need a computer, a desk, wallpaper, curtains, office supplies Office supplies? What, you can't steal those from work? You know what the problem is? I'll tell you what the problem is.
It's that copy of House Beautiful that came in our mail by mistake.
You flipped through that, now you got a bee in your bonnet about making a fancy office for yourself.
A bee in my bonnet? Yeah, that's a real thing, right? Okay, look, Doug, I have been schlepping boxes since 6 a.
m.
and I haven't had my coffee yet.
So if you keep aggravating me, I'm going to bite you.
Look, all I'm saying is that if you don't Arthur, your toast is done.
Don't tell me.
Look, let me remind you, when I fixed up this garage, you know what it cost me? Nothing.
Not a dime.
Bubkes.
Hi.
What about that $2800 big-screen TV? Hi, Electronics-Depot charge card, no payments till November '99.
That's next month.
Look, Doug, I don't wanna argue about this.
Just be at the bank at 10:30, we'll sign the loan papers and you can get on with your life.
Ten-thirty? - Wait, wait.
- What? What is this about 10:30? You were gonna make the appointment during my lunch.
I tried for that, but she's going on vacation tomorrow.
That's all she had.
- I told you this last night.
- When? In the bedroom, when you were working out, doing those stupid hand-grippy things.
Yeah, well, obviously I didn't hear you.
I was in a zone.
Look, there's no way I'm gonna make it at 10:30.
I'm running late as it is.
Doug, she's leaving town tomorrow.
I need the loan today.
Well, what do you want from me? I can't get away.
My days are jam-packed with work.
I saw you roll your eyes right there.
Wasn't trying to hide it.
Well, can't do it.
Sorry.
You're being so passive-aggressive about this.
I mean, if this was something you wanted, you would get off work.
But you just got a bee in your bonnet because I wanna use a little money to make my office look nice.
Okay, first of all, don't use the "bee in the bonnet" thing.
That's mine.
Okay? Second of all, I'd be happy to meet you at the bank if it's during my lunch break, okay? The rest of my workday, I'm busy.
Do you understand that? Busy.
Not passive, not aggressive, busy.
Eighty-eight, 89, 90 and - Ninety-one.
The new record.
- Oh, yeah.
Sorry, Morales, but there's a new sheriff in town and his name is Doug Heffernan.
Keep going, my man.
Build on it.
Build on it.
- All right, here we go.
- Ninety-two, - 93, 94.
- All right.
Ninety Guess that one didn't land.
At least you're in the record books, my man.
Come on, let's hit the road.
Come on.
- Deac? - What? Could you please come to me? What's up? Well, I'm not sure, but I think I may have shot myself.
Really? Where? In a very, very bad place.
Where? Right in the twins' playpen.
Does it hurt? Actually, no, it's It's like more of a little sting.
You know, like a rabbit bit me.
Well, wait a minute.
Maybe it's not in there.
Maybe it just grazed you.
Yeah, maybe it grazed me.
Do me a favour.
Take a look.
Oh, no, no way, man.
- Would you take a look, please? - I don't wanna look.
You look.
I don't bend that far.
All right, all right.
Just look.
Don't touch anything.
Yeah, good thing you mentioned that.
How you doing? How about an update there, pal? Okay.
It's definitely in there.
- Oh, my God.
What should I do? - Just relax.
Don't panic.
I have to panic, okay? I'm attached to my shorts.
All right.
Look, we'll take care of it.
All right, take care of it.
Get it out of me.
I'll just give your shorts one quick yank, it'll come right out.
All right? - What, are you crazy? - What? What if the staple didn't go in straight? What if it's like a grabbie? No, no.
I'm pretty sure these go in straight.
Pretty sure? You were gonna pull on a "pretty sure"? - You said get it out.
- Find another way.
Look, I'm gonna take you to the emergency room, - then I'll finish your shift.
- Good.
- Okay.
Hand off me.
- All right.
- Okay, how's that? - Doug, your wife's on line one.
Oh, my God.
Hey.
Hey.
How you doing, sweetie? Good, fine.
You good? Good.
Listen, I was thinking about it and Well, I'm sorry about our stupid fight this morning.
So see you tonight? I shouldn't have said what I said.
You know, about you not working hard.
Yup.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was just really insensitive of me.
I know you work very, very hard, honey.
Hard worker, yeah, yeah.
Look, Doug, I am trying to apologize to you.
The least you could do is say you're sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Okay, stop.
The other reason why I called is I talked to the lady at the bank, begged her, and she agreed to meet us at your lunch hour.
So I'll see you at the bank at 1:30, okay? Any chance you could miss, like, one pothole? This is the quickest way to the hospital.
So why didn't you just tell Carrie what happened? Because we got in a fight this morning and I made a huge deal about how busy I am at work.
How could I possibly explain this? Say it happened while you were working.
While I was working? The staple came in from behind me.
- Well, tell her I did it.
- You? Yeah, you were bending over, and I noticed.
And I came up behind you with a staple gun All right, I'm gonna stop you right there.
This sounds worse than what really happened.
There's no reason she has to know anything.
It's still only 11.
I can get this thing removed and get to the bank by 1:30.
No one has to know the difference.
Won't she eventually look in that area? Believe me, not if I don't ask.
Speed bump.
Here we go, all filled out.
I will be right over there when you're ready for me, okay? Qaddafi.
Sir.
You forgot to write down what you're here for.
- Oh, did I? - Yes.
Forgot to write it down.
That's wild, isn't it? What are you here for? Just a second, okay? Oh, yeah.
Okay, I You know what? Let me just draw you a picture here.
This will explain everything.
That'll tell the story, right there.
Okay? Are these what I think they are? Yes, yes, yes.
That's the whole area right there.
Of course, that's not actual size.
Actually, now it probably is, because I'm nervous.
Is the doctor gonna see me soon? What's this line? That's a staple.
- A staple? - Yeah, a staple.
That's one staple, right there, a staple.
How's that doctor thing looking? In a few minutes.
I'll just have to see your insurance card.
Arthur, it's me, Doug.
Your son-in-law? Douglas, yes.
Doug is short for Douglas.
Well, now you know.
Listen, I need you to do me a favour.
I need you to get me Carrie's insurance card and bring it to me at Flushing Meadow Hospital.
I'll tell you later.
Just make sure she doesn't find out you're meeting me here.
Okay? Thanks.
I love you too.
Okay.
What's the story? Story? No story.
I was just standing here casually, scratching my head.
You were rifling through my purse.
That's only because I was stealing money.
Okay.
Why? I'm gonna level with you, honey.
I have a gambling problem.
My bookmaker, Jimmy Marbles, is gonna break my kneecaps if I don't come up with the scratch.
Dad, if you keep saying things like this, how will I know when you're going senile? Truth is, I was just looking for a tic tac, and Here we go.
Birth-control pills, Dad.
Why do you need birth-control pills? Does he touch you? Oh, God, Arthur, where you been? Sorry, I thought you said Flushing Meadow Park.
Then I got caught up in a girls' soccer game.
Here you go.
All right, thanks.
So, what are you here for? Nothing, just a Nothing.
Come on, what is it? Eczema, pinkeye? No, Arthur.
Are you having something "enhanced"? - Again, no.
- Then what? I just had a little accident at work.
I shot myself with a staple gun.
Where? Really? Let's have a look.
- I don't see it.
- Arthur, come on, man.
Let's go.
Straddle me so I can get a better angle.
Get up now.
Oh, there it is, right in the tool bag.
Would you stop? Would you settle down? Come on, this is hard enough for me as it is.
I know what you're going through, Douglas.
I've been down this road myself.
You have? Sure.
Staples, rivets, knitting needles.
My advice is, just leave it in.
Leave it in? I'm attached to my IPS shorts.
Not a problem.
Just make sure you don't lose your job.
Insurance card.
How much longer? - Doctor is finishing up.
You're next.
- Oh, great.
If you'll just follow me to the examining area.
Bus crash! Ten critical, three serious.
Triage setup outside.
This is a first come, first serve dealie, right? Arthur, look, do me a favour.
Hold my place in line, would you? Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps - Hey.
- Hey, there you are.
Yeah.
Hey, how you doing there? Good to see you.
What's that about? - What, no hug? - Honey, we are in a bank.
It's Unless we're trying to borrow money for porno film, I think we ought to pull in the reins a little, huh? - Okay, what's going on? - What do you mean? You're acting weird, like on the phone.
I mean, if you're still mad at me, why don't you just say so? I am not mad.
You are so.
I can tell.
I am not.
Let's sign the stupid papers and get out of here, okay? Stupid papers.
Okay, fine, whatever.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Hefferman? Actually, it's Heffernan.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Right this way, Mr.
and Mrs.
Heffernan.
Well, you don't actually have to punch the "nan.
" I was just saying that for your benefit.
Please come in.
Honey, look at you.
You're a mess.
Would you fix your collar? And pull up your pants.
Now, there are three different payment options, each with its own distinct advantages and disadvantages.
Would you like me to review them for you? No.
Whichever one you like is fine.
Honey, I would like to hear them.
Fine.
Well, option one is just your straightforward fixed monthly payment.
It's not one of your more exciting choices, but at least you know what you're getting hit with at the end of the month.
Now, option two is called the floating payment plan.
In this plan, your payments vary based upon fluctuations in the prime rate of interest.
Some months, your payments will be lower, other months, you'll have a sharp metal object in your testicles.
For example, if in January, the prime rate goes to, say, 8 percent, what you'll end up with is a common office supply violating the very essence of your manhood.
Pulling.
Grabbing.
Pinching.
Swelling.
Tugging.
A throbbing pain so intense, you'll pray for the sweet release of death.
And those are your three basic options.
Any questions? Oh, excuse me just a moment.
Rhonda Phillips.
So, honey, which option do you think we should go with? Whichever one is the quickest.
For God's sake, could you just give me your opinion? I can't believe what a baby you're being about this.
And why are you sweating so much? Look, there's something I should probably tell you.
What? Come here.
You stapled yourself in the mall? Come here.
Really? - Can I look? - Yeah.
Okay.
What happened? We were fooling around at work.
I was shooting staples into a tin can, and then I caught my undercarriage.
Well, what are you doing here? We should be at the hospital.
Let's go.
No.
Look, this morning I was being really stupid and selfish and I'm really sorry, all right? I want you to have your office, just the way you want.
I want it too, but I also wanna have kids.
Now, come on.
No.
Look, we're already here.
I can get through this, all right? I wanna do this for you, Carrie.
Let's just make it quick.
Anyway, I'm sorry about that.
But back to business.
Have you folks decided? Yeah, we're gonna go with the third one, the balloon-payment one.
- Balloon one, yeah.
- Okay.
You're sure? Yeah, yeah, we're sure.
We like balloons.
Pretty.
Okay, fair enough.
Option three Balloon pay Please, use mine.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
Payment.
Okay.
Let me just get these forms here together for you.
All right.
Here we have your K-19.
And we have your disclosure.
Your tax-status report.
Rate schedule.
For God's sakes, get a paper clip.
- Oh, God.
- Okay.
- I'm right here with you, baby.
- Okay.
- Just breathe.
- Okay.
- You're doing great.
- Yeah.
- We're almost there.
- Okay.
- Hang on.
Hang on, baby.
- I'm trying, I'm trying.
It's just about out.
Okay, here we go.
It's coming.
It's out.
And everything's fine.
I love you.
I love you too.
Spooner.
Spooner.
Yeah? Don't carry that rivet gun in your pocket.
Don't tell me.
A little help over here.