The King of Queens s02e09 Episode Script

I, Candy

Who are these kids? - What kids? - In this picture.
I don't know.
I thought you put them up.
No Well, they probably came in a Christmas card or something.
They don't even look familiar.
Nope.
They look happy, though.
The boy's got the little car in there.
Yeah, they seem nice.
- Okay, let's throw them out.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- You can't throw out kids.
- Why not? What if their parents come by? So we have to keep a picture up on our refrigerator of kids we don't know in the off-chance that their parents who we can't remember will come by and be offended? Are they hurting anyone up there? Fine.
But I'm putting them under a big magnet.
Thinking about starting to use a washcloth.
Carrie got a whole bunch of new ones.
You know, I'm usually like a soap-to-skin guy, but, I don't know, I might go for it.
Good luck with that.
Hey there.
Thought you guys might like a refill on your iced teas.
I love a waitress who's on top of the refills.
And on a slightly related note, I'm gonna go use the restroom.
Well, guess you liked your potato skins, huh? Ah, actually, I like any food that comes in a basket, you know? That, or anything with one of those, like, little toothpick flags in it.
I guess what I'm basically saying is don't take me to a French restaurant.
Can I get you anything else? Because my shift is almost over.
- No, I'm good.
- Oh, okay.
So I'll just leave the cheque over here, and you can stay as long as you like.
Okay.
I'll lock up when I go.
Okay, well, bye.
Bye-bye.
Well That was interesting.
What was? Our waitress just asked me about your situation.
Nice work, my man.
We better get going, I gotta get back Whoa, whoa, whoa What did you just say? She asked about your situation.
I think she has a little thing for you.
Come on.
Okay, you know what? First of all, stop getting up.
Now, I want you to tell me exactly what she said, and I want you to tell me very, very slowly.
Okay, okay, fine.
She said She thought you were cute, or a cutie and then Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Which one? - I don't remember.
- They're very different.
Remember.
Cute.
She said you were cute.
All right.
That's the good one.
Why are you worked up? You're not gonna do anything.
Of course, I'm not gonna do anything.
What else did she say? She said you were cute and, oh - And funny.
- Cute and funny? Oh, God, I'm the whole package for her.
- Can we go now? - Yeah, we can.
Although she said I can stay as long as I like Look at this, note on the cheque.
We have a note.
Oh, things just keep getting better.
"Baskets rule.
Jill.
" Yeah, we had this whole little thing going with baskets.
Sounds magical.
She was working as a waitress In a cocktail bar That much is true Oh, don't you want me? You know I can't believe it When you say that you don't need me Don't you want me - Hey.
- Well, hello.
I'm on the phone with Kelly.
We're trying to figure out which movie to see.
You're wearing trousers? Yeah.
Trousers.
Slacks.
Fancy pants.
Did you lose all your jeans? No.
Just felt like kicking it up a notch.
Well, now you're dressed better than me.
I have to change.
Thank you very much.
Yeah, Kel, hi, I'm still here, sweetie.
Doug is wearing nice pants.
I know, it's weird.
I don't know, let me ask him.
They wanna see The Prosecutor.
No, I saw it with Spence.
How about Freeze? What about Freeze? Well, ask Deacon, I'll hold on.
- Honey, I don't wanna see Freeze.
- Why not? A whole movie set in a futuristic ice world? I'm not into it.
Plus, I don't like Rosie Perez.
Whoa.
You wearing cologne? Yeah, picked some up on the way home.
Think I'm gonna start smelling better.
Well, I hope you don't need to sneak up on anybody.
Hey.
Not nice.
Come on.
What is up with you tonight? What? Can't a guy be in a good mood? Handsome man going on a date with his beautiful wife, huh? All right, get your groove on.
Yeah, I'm still here.
Oh, really? Deacon saw Freeze.
- So I'll see The Prosecutor again.
- You don't want to see it again.
It's all right, I'll take a bullet for the group.
Oh, yeah, I'd see that.
Okay.
What about Population Zero? Population, me.
I think he just said yes.
Okay.
We'll meet you at the Midway at 8:00.
Okay, sweetie.
Bye.
Good evening.
Well, you kids look nice.
What, are you getting on a plane? Just going to see a movie.
Ah, the cinema.
America's ongoing love affair with the motion picture.
Do you? Do you have any plans, Dad? Oh, well, I did have plans with my friend Len, but he's having chest pains.
On the bright side, now I have a chance to put the soy sauce packets into one larger bottle.
Have a nice night.
Would you like to join us? Well, this is pretty last minute, but sure, why not? What are you seeing? - Population Zero.
- Seen it.
How you doing? Hey.
Slow your roll, player.
Why won't you listen to me? This is a lousy movie.
We're seeing it, Dad.
I'll tell you the surprise ending right now.
Do it, and I'll give you a surprise ending.
So noted.
- Babe, you want popcorn? - Yes, thank you.
We'll get seats.
What you got on? Cologne? Yeah, it's Drakkar.
It's a citrusy masculine scent.
I know what Drakkar is, I wore it in high school.
Hey there.
Large pop-corny-corn and a mineral water, por favor.
All right.
Food in a bucket, you know what I'm saying? You know.
Well, well, well, if it isn't Mr.
Chest Pains.
What? The man who couldn't go out tonight because he had chest pains is sitting four rows ahead of us.
Excuse me.
All right, take care of business, Dad.
So I heard your boy got a little compliment today.
Deacon told me what happened at Cooper's.
- Doug didn't tell you? - No.
Apparently, some new cute waitress asked about his situation.
Oh, really? Oh, so that's why he's been acting like this.
Okay, Trouser Man He claims he felt better and he tried to call me.
Like I'm supposed to believe that.
Lenny.
Enjoy the movie.
By the way, the lab chief turns out to be a robot, and the bomb is inside him.
- Oh, come on.
- Shut up.
Hey Hey.
Here you go, sweetie.
Thanks.
- Here you are, sweet thing.
- No, you're the sweet thing.
What's up? No candy? No, I just got a mineral water.
I'm gonna try and drop a few.
Good for you.
In war, sometimes the first to die are the ones who least deserve to My baby My baby! Doug.
A baby just exploded.
Why are you smiling? Oh, no, no.
I'm not, I'm not.
It's sad.
Kill me too.
Kill me too, you bastards.
How was that? It was fantastic.
What the hell's that for? Kelly told me about your little thing with the waitress.
Were you planning on telling me? I don't know, why? You're not jealous, are you? No.
It has nothing to do with the girl, it's you.
Obviously, this thing has turned your whole world upside down.
What? It has not.
Oh, please.
The nice pants, the cologne, the great sex.
First of all, the sex was not that good.
- You were great.
- I disagree.
- Doug.
- Look, I was My moves were clumsy, I was all over the place, I was out of control.
How you got any pleasure out of it is a complete mystery.
Come on, you were good, just admit it.
Just admit that you were good.
All right, I was all right.
I was good.
Look, I don't feel like I have anything to apologise for here, Carrie.
All right, a woman was attracted to me.
You know I would never act on it.
So what? It made me feel good about myself, I slapped on some cologne and made you wake the neighbours.
Big deal.
Doug, how do you think that makes me feel? I mean, I'm attracted to you.
I married you, I I promised to love you until the day I die.
Why doesn't any of that make you walk around with a stupid grin on your face? Because you're already a given.
You know? You know, you're already part of the wonderful tapestry that is my life.
So that's what I am.
I'm tapestry.
No, no, no, tapestry is good.
It's woven.
On a loom.
You know, a loom, you understand? Loom.
No, I don't understand, Doug.
I mean, you don't see me acting like this, and believe me, I could.
I mean, strangers check me out all the time.
I get my ass touched on the subway every day.
Well, then, you should wash your ass when you get home.
Okay, my point is, it has no effect on me.
Yeah, that's because it happens to you all the time.
I never get my ass touched on the subway.
Well, you know what? Hello, got my ass touched on the subway of life.
And it is a big deal to me.
Fine.
You know what? If a stupid little comment from some bimbo waitress gets you all revved up, then God bless.
Oh, I see how it works.
Because it's me, it's just gotta be some stupid little comment, right? Yeah? Well, then why'd she take the time to leave a note, huh? - A note? - Yeah, on the cheque.
Yeah, note.
And what did this little note say? Way to eat? No.
You're way off.
It said, "Baskets rule.
Jill.
" Then, she drew a little smiley face.
A smiley face? That mean Jill happy.
Know what? I don't wanna talk about this anymore.
If you can't be supportive about another woman liking me, then this conversation's over.
Fine.
You know what? Go out there and get your little compliments and your smiley faces.
You know what? Enjoy them.
Why don't you start dressing a little bit more provocatively, huh? - Show a little cleavage there.
- Maybe I will.
- Great.
- You know what? I'm a delicious piece of man meat, and you're just gonna have to learn to deal with it.
I'm electric.
- Man, what are we doing back here? - What? Getting burgers, gonna watch the Florida-Nebraska game, that's what we're doing here.
Is she working today? I don't know.
I didn't make this week's schedule.
Here we go.
Showtime.
Yeah I think I'm going for the ribs.
Yeah, you going for the ribs? You gonna do the ribs? You doing the ribbies.
You're gonna do the ribs.
The ribs.
Give me a little high-five on the rib-eye.
You wanna high-five ribs? No.
I don't wanna high-five ribs.
Yo, Steve, what's up, man? Stevie.
You freak show, what are you doing? What, you drinking beer over there? - I have those pants too.
- Hey, Doug.
I have the same Hey there.
Hey.
I'll be right with you.
Right with you? That's all I get? It's like I'm just a customer.
You are just a customer.
- She asked about my situation.
- And I told her you were married.
Excuse me? Am I not still cute? Am I not still funny? I'm sorry to make you wait, guys, but it's crazy here today.
- What can I get you? - I'll have the ribs and a Coke.
Okay.
And for you? I'll have a burger and fries and Hey, well, make sure it comes in a basket.
- Oh, yeah, right.
- Right.
Remember, because baskets rule.
They rule.
I don't get this - What did you expect to happen? - I don't know.
Carrie was just so about the whole thing, like no hot girl could ever be into me.
That I just wanted to come down here and And what? I don't know, prove to myself that I still got the juice.
The heat.
The Yuspa.
Okay.
Now, she's laughing with an ugly guy.
What the hell's this crap about? - Hey, whoa, where are you going? - See if he got a note, that's all.
Hey, man, did you get? You get overcharged for your soda? Because we did, and "Happy mozzarella trails.
Jill.
" Note slut.
Okay Which one of these skankeroos do you think is Jill? I cannot wait to see this winner, she's gonna be brutal.
- Maybe that's her.
- No, that's not her.
She's been here for a while.
Although she is a skankeroo.
What about her? Her? Hello? We can see your panty lines.
Little tip, invest in a full length mirror.
And turn around in it.
Stop it.
I'm sorry to keep you waiting.
Hi, I'm Jill.
Wow, you are really attractive.
Oh, thank you.
Are you guys ready to order? No, don't think we are, Jill.
Why don't you write someone a note with a little smiley face on it, and then maybe I'll be ready, okay? Okay.
Just let me know.
Wow, did you see the attitude on that one? Out of control.
I actually thought she was pretty sweet.
Sweet, huh? Oh, I see she's cast her little spell on you too now? Girl, you gotta stop now What? I No, I don't need to stop.
- I am fine.
- You are not fine.
You're right, I'm not fine.
Why am I not fine? Not sure.
You know that Doug's not gonna fool around, right? - No, of course not.
- So, what is it? Everything was fine until he got checked out.
Why did he have to get checked out? Why is that such a problem? Because, you know, Doug was always like, the funny one, you know.
The guy who makes everybody laugh at parties.
And I was the one who got checked out.
Now he's getting checked out too? I mean, he's got it all.
So you're unhappy because your husband is funny and hot? Yes.
Douglas, hello.
Hey.
Why so glum, chum? Long story.
Well, fortunately, I have nowhere to be for the next eight and a half days.
I'm just an idiot.
Some waitress asked about my situation, so for a day I was walking around here like I was hot crap.
Ah, it's a powerful tonic when a member of the fairer sex casts an admiring glance in your direction.
Big knockers? Well, don't feel too badly, Douglas.
The same thing happened to me once.
- Really? - Sure.
Many years ago, I was at a party where I encountered a beautiful young starlet.
She had just finished shooting Picnic with William Holden.
She played Girl With Watermelon.
I think you know who I'm talking about.
I'm sorry, I have no idea.
Oh, you'll know when I say the name, Phyllis McCrane.
Still nothing.
One of the McCrane Sisters? Oh, yeah, Phyllis and the other one.
- The other two.
- The other two.
Right, right.
Well, anyway, it seemed as though Phyllis was flirting with me throughout the entire party.
- Yeah, but she wasn't? - Oh, she certainly was.
We wound up making love in her beach house till the sun came up.
Why are you telling me this? That's not close to what happened to me.
Hey, just because you whiffed, don't take it out on me.
Hey, sexy.
Yeah, I am, okay.
What exactly about me does it for you? What lights you up? What is it? That I can burp on command or the way my stomach jiggles when I brush my teeth? - What happened to you? - You were right, you know.
I was back down at Cooper's and that waitress wouldn't even look at me.
She couldn't have cared less.
I got no heat, I got no juice, I got nothing.
- Doug, I wasn't right.
- You were.
No, I was wrong.
Look, I bet the only reason why Jill isn't into you anymore is because she knows you're married.
You're off the market.
Yeah.
Doug, you are hot.
People ask about you all the time.
- Like who? - A secretary from my office.
Andrea? No.
Jeff.
What? - Jeff? - Yes.
Gay people have great taste, they're very body conscious.
It's all about the body for them.
That's true.
So why don't we both admit that we got a little carried away and just move on.
Okay, you're right.
I love you.
- I love you too, sweetie.
- Come here.
So What exactly did Jeff say? You've reached the McCrane Sisters.
- Phyllis - Vivien Theodora Leave a message at the beep Phyllis, it's Biffy Spooner from 44 years ago.
Give me a ringy-ding back.