The King of Queens s02e11 Episode Script

Sparing Carrie

Car, come on, we gotta go.
I'm coming.
League starts in 20 minutes.
Will you relax? Broads So where you off to tonight? Are the bowling shirt and bowling ball any help or? All right, call off your dogs, sassy.
Just making small talk.
All right, look, I was out of line there.
I'm sorry.
Quite all right.
So where you off to? Carrie! Come on, what are you doing? What are you doing? Ironing my jeans, I'm almost done.
What was wrong with the ones you had on? I didn't like the way my butt looked in those.
Oh, come on.
Hey, back it off.
This is between me and my ass.
You'll have to understand, bowling is all about the way you look from behind.
And you looked fine in the other ones.
Although I can't say I'm hating this look.
Get you spread eagle on a hood of a Camaro, we got a big-selling poster.
I am done.
Oh, yeah.
Put your pants on.
Slow for daddy.
- Shut up, would you please? - Yeah.
- Let's go, Slammo.
- Thank God.
Oh, yeah.
All right.
The Cooper's Onion Ringers have arrived.
Yeah! Okay, nobody seems to care.
That's because they're all losers.
All right, people, let's push some tables together.
- Yeah.
- Three pitchers, right over here.
- Spence, nice bowling tonight, cutie.
- Thanks.
Gosh, the man can't run, he can't jump, he can barely walk, but, damn it, he can roll a ball.
Magic fingers.
I got magic fingers.
- Yeah.
- Iannucci, obviously trying to impress someone into having sex with him.
I don't know, I wasn't that impressed.
Just scored a 135.
Hey, hey, a 191.
I gets no love? Deac, you and I, we're the legends, you know? We don't talk about it, we just do it.
Yeah, a 191, I wanna talk about it.
Hey, how about Carrie over here, huh? Hey, my lovely wife, huh? Gutting her way to a personal best score of 47.
Oh, yeah.
Sucky bowler right here.
- Can't bowl for crap, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
- But her ass was in great form, huh? - Thank you.
- Yes, Carrie.
- Your wife's ugly.
Nice ugly.
All right, if you guys will excuse me, I'm gonna go stop in on Bobby and pick up our league cheque, so do me a favour, order me several thousand hot wings.
Yo, Bobby.
Hey, you're not Bobby.
Where's Bobby? I fired Bobby.
Who are you? Oh, I was just I was Who are you? My name is Bruce Degner.
- Oh, so you're the new Bobby.
- No, I'm not the new Bobby.
My father-in-law owns this place.
He just had a massive brain aneurysm, which he richly deserves.
So now I have to spend time I don't have away from my law practice to come in here every night and sit and look over this random heap of Post-its and napkins that passes around here for a ledger, something I'm trying very hard to do right now, which brings me back to my original, still unanswered question: Who are you? Hi, I'm Doug.
Doug Heffernan.
I'm a member of the bowling team you sponsor.
Member, I'm actually the captain.
So, what do you want, captain? It's just that Bobby, who I did not like, was supposed to leave me a cheque for our league dues this month.
Swell, because this place really isn't haemorrhaging quite enough money yet.
All right, how much? It's $1,500.
Boy, it's getting cold down here.
Were you outside? Fifteen hundred? For the year? Well, if you mean calendar year, yes.
There's another 1,500 due in the middle of the season, but that's way, way off.
So let me get this straight, Cooper's has been paying you people $3,000 a year - No, a season.
- A season to bowl? Can I assume that you are some of the finest bowlers in the history of mankind? If you want to.
Sorry, Doug, I can't do it.
Hey, come on, Bruce.
You can't just drop us.
The Cooper's bowling team is a great tradition.
Plus, it's great for business too, you know? People see us bowling out there wearing these shirts that say Cooper's.
You know, and they think to themselves Cooper's.
- You with me? - I think so.
Yeah, plus, when we win a big championship, there's an article in the newspaper, pictures, more publicity - You're a championship team? - Did I say that? Yes.
Well, no, no, no.
We're not, but we often make incredible comebacks that fall just short.
- Doug, you seem like a nice guy.
- So do you.
But it just doesn't make any sense to me to sponsor a bowling team unless it wins.
Even then, it's hard to get too enthusiastic.
- Yeah, but the shirts - Yes, I know the shirts.
Yes, yes, yes, but, look, I guess if you did well, the publicity would be good for business.
I'll tell you what, you do what you gotta do and show me you got a shot at winning one of those trophies, you know, with a guy on top with the sweater and the silver, and I'll write you a cheque, you got it? I got it.
I promise, we'll kick it up a notch.
- See how you do on Wednesday.
- All right.
You know what? Even if we lose though, I could always just buy you one of those trophies, you know? Or I could just stand in your office like this: You know, be the one-legged All right, man, thank you.
Now when we lose, it's only by an average of about 40 pins, so just one more strike, you know, per game from each of us ought to do it.
That's it, just one more strike each.
Or two of us have to get two more strikes each.
Or we each take a turn bowling a perfect game.
All right, I know.
It's Carrie, she stinks.
She's stinky Carrie.
What am I supposed to do? I can't fire my wife.
If you don't, we're not gonna have a team.
Then, you know what? Screw it.
We don't need the league, right? What is that? "Oh, free lane time, free food.
" I say we all get together and bowl on another night, like regular people.
- You wanna? - No.
Oh, God.
Come on, Doug, we've been bowling in a league for three years.
That's the life we know.
We're not like the others anymore.
All right, anyway, look, we gotta have two women out of six, league rules.
So who we gonna get to replace Carrie? Go with Pam DiMeo, who I wanted to get in the first place.
- She's awesome.
- Can you get her? - Yeah, I work with her brother - This is Carrie we're talking about.
You guys are like a pack of wild dingoes, you know, biting into her flesh and pulling her off the bowling team.
Come on, Moose, don't be putting this on us.
When we put this team together, we wanted to be good, remember? - You more than anybody.
- He's right.
One day, you just pranced in and said, "Carrie's on the team.
" - And that was it.
- I know.
I know.
She was like, "Oh, bowling.
I wanna play.
How much fun would that be to play?" First of all, you don't even play bowling, okay? You go bowling.
- You should have just nixed it then.
- Nix it how? By not mentioning it to begin with, that's how.
I mean, Kelly didn't know I was in a bowling league till year two.
This is brutal.
Now we're either gonna fire my wife or just let the team just fall apart.
It's like It's like Sophie's Choice.
Not really.
No? What was Sophie's choice again? She had to decide which of her children to give to the Nazis.
Okay, yeah, that's harder.
- What am I gonna do? - Pull her aside and say - If I don't - Hey, guys, what's up? What's up? What, did I interrupt something? You guys talking about chicks? See a nice rack? Nice set of ta-tas? Yes.
Okay, that sucked.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it did.
Diet Coke me, baby.
You know what? Just for fun, why don't we try to, like, bowl really well? Are your sideburns longer? I don't know, maybe.
Look, Wednesday night we're playing Hey Eddie's Pizza, and I just wanna beat them.
- Oh, why? I like their pizza.
- That's not the point.
I just think we should try to win more often, because winning is good, you know? - It means you've won.
- Okay.
- Let's practise.
- Yeah.
Okay, great.
Okay, let me break it down for you.
- All right? - Okay.
Now, it's very simple, all right? It's here.
It's one, two, three, four.
Yeah, see? See right there, you use the arrows in the lane, they're your friends.
- Okay, let me try, let me try.
- All right.
Great, great, great.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay, you ready? - Yeah.
Nice and easy.
- Here we go.
- Okay.
Okay, it's one, two Okay, four.
- Okay, you forgot three.
- Yeah, I skipped three.
- Okay? - Yeah, yeah.
Here, let me try to teach you a little something about form.
- Come here.
- Okay, teach away, Mr.
- Okay.
- Okay, baby.
All right, remember now, it's here first.
Then you come up, one, two, three, four.
Okay, Carrie, come on.
Carrie, come on.
- You copped a feel there too.
- I didn't.
- Yeah, you did.
- Knock it off! I wanna win on Wednesday, okay? What's the big deal? I just wanna beat Hey Eddie's.
Why? They don't use enough sauce.
All right.
Talk to me here.
What the hell is going on? Look, it's the new guy running Cooper's, all right? He's not gonna sponsor the team unless we get better.
In fact, if we don't win on Wednesday, it's over.
That's why I wanted you to practise.
- Because I'm the weak link, got it.
- I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
I just thought, maybe, you know, if you improve, you might become one of those bowlers that actually knocks pins down.
Okay, well, let me save you some time here.
I suck at bowling, and I always will.
Don't say that.
Doug, stop it, will you? I'm not gonna get any better.
So, what is it? You want me off the team? Is that it? No, I don't want you off the team.
Why, you wanna be off the team? Well, if I'm gonna ruin it for everybody else Sure you're okay with this? I guess I have to be, don't I? Hey, who's up for lemon ice's? Hey, Bruce.
- Oh, hello.
- How's it going? Hey, how's your father-in-law doing? Is he feeling any better? He flatlined for over a minute yesterday.
- So, what else is up? - Do you want something? Yeah, actually, I wanna talk to you about the team.
- Team? - The bowling team.
- Oh, yeah.
- We've got kind of a little problem.
I mean, the bowling team is great, except for one person, not so great.
You know? Never gonna win with this person.
And this person turns out to be, wouldn't you know it, my wife, yeah.
Six dollars for a urinal cake.
It's madness.
We ought to make people bring their own.
- My wife.
- What about her? - Bad She's the bad bowler.
- And? And I guess, you know, what I'm asking is if you wouldn't mind overlooking the whole not winning thing, you know, so I could keep her on the team.
Otherwise, at home, I'm gonna hear a lot of: - Yeah.
I know what that's like.
- Yeah.
- Wanna hear a funny story? - Sure.
About a year or so ago, my wife is all stressed out, for what reason, God only knows.
She decides she's gonna take a yoga class.
- Yoga, right? - Oh, yeah.
Right, right, right.
The feet behind the head, it's crazy.
So she starts going three times a week, and it works.
I mean, she's relaxed, she's happy.
- You know why? - Why? It turns out she was having a great deal of sex with the instructor.
Oh, my God.
Oh, man, that is so Yeah.
The point is, we all have problems with our wives, don't we? I guess so, yeah.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I'm just I gotta head off to the It's time for me to go You know.
Yes, I know.
All right.
Well, you have a great night.
- I love you.
Okay? - Love you too.
- See you later.
- Okay.
- Hello, Douglas.
- Hey.
What's going on? - Isn't she bowling tonight? - No, Dad.
Why isn't she bowling tonight? - She - I'm not on the team anymore.
Why not? Is she injured? No, the guy at Cooper's told Doug that the team has to start winning more or he won't sponsor it.
So you fire her off the team? - No, I just - No, I agreed to quit, Dad.
And you just let her quit? - It's okay, Dad.
- It is not okay.
We're talking about disloyalty and backstabbing.
And for what? A free night of bowling? Excuse me, honey, but I don't like the smell in here.
Be back by 10.
Oh, here he is.
Well, thanks for showing up.
Had a little trouble getting out of the house.
Doug, this is our new teammate, Pam DiMeo.
- Hey, how you doing, buddy? - Whoa, hey.
All right, it's time to focus.
We're fighting for our lives here.
- Hey Eddie's Pizza's going down.
- Yeah.
Moose, you're up.
Let's go.
All right, let's get down to business.
- No, he's Moose.
- Yeah.
- Come on, Dougie.
- Go.
Come on.
- Come on.
- Yeah.
- All right, come on, pick it up.
- Spare it up, Dougie boy.
- Yeah.
- Sparing it up.
Sparing it up.
Up it will be spared.
Okay, you know what your problem is? You're not thinking about what you're doing.
Don't think.
Clear your head, nice and easy.
Oh, mother of crap.
Okay, it's one, two, three, four.
The arrows are your friends.
You fired your wife from the bowling team.
Oh, you're an ugly, ugly man.
Oh, look at that, the Brunswick man wears a crown.
Come on, focus, focus.
Focus on the ball.
Or on the pins.
One or the other.
You fired your wife.
It's okay.
I'm doing good.
I'm actually I'm good.
I'm good.
They all know I'm good.
Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
Good bowler.
Big Doug.
Big, big, big Doug.
Good bowler.
Where's the ball? Where's the ball? Oh, what's the difference? Really.
What does it matter? Use the arrows.
Why? Why? You don't deserve to use those arrows! Shut up, Hey Eddie's! Honey, honey Hey, Bruce, can I talk to you? Look, honey, if the doctor says it's time to pull the plug, he must have a good reason.
And plus that nurse also thought it was time, don't forget that.
- One second.
- Hang on, honey, there's a guy in my office.
That Fine, just lie down, and put the doctor on.
All right.
What do you want? I just wanna let you know that the bowling team won tonight.
There is a God.
Hello, doctor.
Goldman? - This is Bruce Degner.
- And, and, and Hold on, doctor.
I also want you to know that I'm quitting the team.
But don't worry, everything will be fine, because my friend Deacon, you don't know him, he's a good guy, he's gonna be taking over as the new captain.
He'll get a great bowler to replace me.
They're gonna get you one of those trophies, you know? Doug, do you have any idea what's going on here? I'm about to give my permission to make a man stop living.
No, no, that was not official.
Right, right.
No, I understand that.
I wanted to make sure that we're on the same page, okay? I'm out, Deacon's in, great bowling team, - you'll keep writing those cheques.
- It all sounds so wonderful.
- Now please leave.
- Okay.
I'm out of here.
You know what? Good luck with the plug pulling thing.
I'm sure you'll make the right decision, unlike pulling the mozzarella sticks from the menu.
We can go over that another time.
Famous H's for 300.
She's the face that launched a thousand ships.
I don't know.
From Troy.
- Not sure.
- Helen of Troy.
- I still don't know.
- That's the answer.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- How was bowling? - Yeah, how was it? After firing your wife, did you find a little chippy? Did you? Mr.
Arnold? Benedict Arnold? Famous traitor? Revolutionary War? Doesn't anybody read a book around here? He's still pretty mad at you.
You might not wanna use the shampoo.
Thanks for the warning.
So you guys went pretty late tonight, huh? Well, actually, I stopped by Cooper's after, and I quit the team.
You quit the team? Why? Why? You know this wasn't working.
Me on the team, you not on the team, all the unspoken tension.
You know, we pass in the morning, "Oh, hello.
You're looking well.
" Okay, which one of us said that? Look, you know what I mean, all right? I mean, I felt bad, you know? I was thinking about you all night, and I bowled an 80.
Oh, you sucked because of me? That's so sweet.
But, honey, you shouldn't have quit the team.
I should've.
This is the first time in a week you're not depressed.
Well, yes, that's because I'm touched that you were willing to quit.
So it is good that I quit? No, it's not good that you quit.
Okay, what is this, a riddle? Look, Doug, I don't want you to quit the team.
I never wanted you to quit the team.
I just wanted you to want to quit.
Well, why didn't you just say that? Well, I couldn't say that.
If I had said that, then you wouldn't really be wanting to quit, you would just be wanting it because I wanted you to want it.
Okay, if you don't make sense, I'm gonna tackle you.
I want you on the team.
So let me understand this, there's no actual plug, per se? Got a sec? I don't understand.
What is it? That I'm an older gentleman? Because let me tell you, darling, I'll treat you like no man you've ever been with.
No, thanks, buddy.
Playing hard to get, I like it.