The King of Queens s03e10 Episode Script

Work Related

My eyes are gettin' weary my back is gettin' tight I'm sittin' here in traffic on the queensboro bridge tonight but I don't care, 'cause all I want to do is cash my check and drive right home to you 'cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you Check it out.
"Whips and chains.
" What's the matter? My back rubs not doing it for you anymore? Page 24.
Oh, my God.
What is he doing to him? Oh, I'm sorry, 42.
Yeah, but what is he doing to him? Come on, 42.
Page 42.
Ok, all right.
Come on.
There it is.
Look right there.
"Ebony God seeks dominant professional type for late-night spank sessions.
" "Full dungeon.
" Where are we at here, Doug? The phone number.
Look, it's Deacon's phone number.
I put the ad in there to get back at him.
Are you two still having that stupid practical joke war? You bet your sweet bananas we are.
How great is this? He's probably getting calls from s&m freaks, oh, right about now.
Doug, the man has children.
And he should've thought of that before he put a sign on my back that said "I love butter.
" Actually, it said "I heart butter," but that's what it meant.
But you do heart butter.
That's my business, not the whole world's, ok? (Arthur) Morning, all.
Morning.
Hey.
"Whips and chains.
" Good for you, kids.
Just be safe.
Good-bye.
Bye.
Darling, I have a legal matter I need your assistance with.
What are you talking about? I was down on the boardwalk last night, and I paid a fellow $12 to draw my portrait.
Look at this.
Look.
[Laughs] That's funny.
It's not funny.
It's humiliating.
People were gathered around laughing, having a great time at my expense.
All right, so what do you want to do? You want to sue the artist? Well, I estimate I endured $1 million worth of pain and suffering.
Between you and me, I'd settle out of court for $8,000.
Well, good luck with that.
So, you're not gonna help me? Dad, how am I supposed to help you? I'm not a lawyer, and I think the picture's hilarious.
Oh, so that how it's going to be.
Well, thank you very little! Uh, excuse me, but what do you think I do there? I'm a secretary.
The lawyers handle the law.
I type and make sure they're not thirsty.
Would it kill you to show them this picture as you hand them a snapple? Would you stop it? I mean, for God's sakes, you've never expressed any interest in my job until now, when you need something.
That's not true! Oh, really? Have you ever once come down to visit me? Do you have any idea what I actually do there? How I actually spend my day? No, you don't.
Well, you have no idea how I spend my day.
You sit around in your underwear, and you make crank phone calls.
Those were inquiries! Hey, Carrie? Um? Can you tell if this milk is good? What's the date on it? Yesterday.
I don't know, who's it for? Del pozo.
It's fine.
Here she is, Mr.
spooner.
Thank you, young man.
Dad, what are you doing here? Does this have anything to do with that stupid caricature? No, no.
I was just reflecting on your comments earlier, and I realized you were right.
I should take a more active interest in your life.
So, here I am.
Really? Absolutely.
Dad, that's That's so sweet.
Thank you.
Well, instead of thanking me, how about giving me a grand tour? Ok, well, I don't know how grand it is, but here goes.
Wow me.
Ok, um All right, well, this, this whole area here is where we keep files relating to our pending cases.
Uh-huh, and you file them alphabetically or Alphabetically, yes.
That's a marvelous sorting system.
And, uh, this is the coffee area.
This is where I get my boss, you guessed it, coffee.
Tell me, do you use a percolator? Drip.
Drip.
Fancy.
And then we're back at my desk, and that's basically the tour.
Well, thank you for that behind-the-scenes peek.
[Telephone rings] Oh, that's my phone.
I have to get that.
Good.
Now I get to see you in action.
Mr.
Grossman's office.
Oh, he's at lunch.
May I take a message? You're good.
Take the ad out now.
Ad? I don't have any time to place any ads.
I'm too busy hearting butter.
Just cancel it, ok? There they are, butch Cassidy and the dumb-ass kid.
Hey, spero.
How's it going, man? Oh, terrible.
My deliveries are spread all over town.
Kind of like your mother, heffernan.
You know, guy, enough.
Listen, Rico just pulled out of the calendar.
Now we're gonna need a new Mr.
April.
What calendar? The men of I.
P.
S.
Calendar.
You know, to raise money for some juvenile something or other, you know.
What do you say, guys, huh? I'm assuming you want to sell a couple of these things, so that let's him out.
Sure.
I'll do it.
Whoa, what the hell's that supposed to mean? It's supposed to mean that ebony God is probably a better choice than pasty doughboy.
So that's how it's gonna be, huh? You know what? I'll do the calendar.
Well, I wanna do it.
Whoa, if you're both interested, I'm going to have to let the guys upstairs decide.
They're gonna need snapshots, and you gotta fill out this bio stuff.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
All right, whoever gets it should know the shoots gonna be here Friday night after work.
I'm doing it.
Well, let the games begin, Mr.
Palmer.
That's Mr.
April to you.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm Mr.
April.
You're Mr.
march-your-cocoa-buns- out-of-here, yeah.
Yeah.
What's up? What's up? I hate it when they get stuck.
Well, thanks for lunch, dad.
That was really nice.
Yeah, those Chinese make a delightful bowl of rice.
Actually, it was benihana.
It's Japanese.
Well, I'm off.
Got a boatload of things to put in my diary.
All right.
Well, thanks for coming, dad.
That was great.
Pleasure was all mine.
Enjoy the rest of your day.
Ok.
Give that gal a promotion! Your dad seems to be an ok fella.
He is.
Thanks.
Treasure him, Carrie.
Do you know, sometimes we hear what our elder statespeople say, but we don't listen.
Uh, what's the difference? Well, to hear is just to hear, but to listen, that's hearing and then some.
Got it.
By the way, I wanted to mention if he's interested, we've started a senior jobs program here.
You know, something to give the old people a sense of dignity and purpose.
Pays $3.
50 an hour.
So, w-what are you saying? You want my dad to work here? Every day? If he's interested.
[Stammers] Oh, that's awfully nice, but no I don't no.
You sure? Y-y-yeah, he wouldn't be interested.
N-no, yeah.
Well, it's out there.
Ok.
Ok.
What ya got going there, fonzie? Ah, there's this I.
P.
S.
Calendar for charity.
Deacon and I are both going for the last spot.
Doug, uh, can I bounce something off you? Yeah, you know what? Take my picture first, though.
I just-- I need it for a-- there you go.
Whoa, what the hell.
You got, like, half my face! Well, honey, I need to talk to you about something.
All right, but I need a good picture.
Stand over there.
The light's better.
Over there.
Over there.
Ok, but don't take it yet.
I'm not ready yet.
Let me get set here.
So, what's the problem? All right.
So, there's this part-time job available at my office, and Mr.
pruzan said my dad could have it if he wanted it.
Are you ready yet? Yeah, yeah.
Ok.
Wait, w-wait! What's my best look? Should I smile? Or pout, like this.
All right, well, if those are my choices, I reluctantly take pout.
I said pout, not constipated.
All right, so what do you think I should do? Do you think I should let dad work at my office? No! [Purring] No.
I did say no, but I feel terrible about it.
I mean, he has nothing else going on in his life.
I mean, nothing.
Sure he does.
He gets that magazine now, right? He'd love to work there, too.
I mean, you should have seen him today.
He had this little peppy bounce in his step, like--like after he takes his blue pills.
So then let him work there.
I can't! Because every second I'll be worried if he's going to say something or do something to embarrass me.
You know, he tipped one of the partners today.
And not a lot.
Hey, a minute's just about up, and here we come.
Coming into focus now.
And Wow.
Time to cram some fake crap into my bio.
I can't let him work there.
You know why? Because if he works there, then I'll go crazy.
If I go crazy, then they fire me.
If they fire me, we lose the house, and he has to live in a crate.
So really, I'm doing this for him.
Right? Ok, good.
Morning.
Dad.
Morning, cupcake.
I see you're busy.
That's great.
It's great to be busy, isn't it? You're a busy, busy little bee, huh? Well, I am just going to head out to work, and let you get back to your reading.
What are you reading, an instruction book? Yeah, for the electric knife.
Do we have an electric knife? I didn't see one, but if it ever turns up, I'll be ready.
Great, great.
Now where are my glasses? The print on this warranty card is so tiny.
Here you go.
Oh, thank you, darling.
You're a good daughter.
Please, it's Bye, ok, bye-bye.
Have a good day at work.
Ok.
Dad, get your coat.
(Arthur) oh, ba boppity beep beep boppity boo boo be ba ba ba ba bah Here you go, young lady.
Your mail, and what's this in your ear? [Pops tongue] A mint, for you! Uh, ok, thank you.
You're very welcome.
[Phone ringing] Oh, hello, miss.
I'm sorry.
I forget the name.
What ya got there, dad? Y-you got some mints? I'm giving them out to everyone with the mail.
It's an icebreaker.
You start out by talking about the mints.
The next thing you know, you're pals.
I learned that on an airplane sitting next to a Mr.
gil Gerard.
I guess.
I just wish you weren't reaching into people's ears.
Darling, you are so cute.
It's not really in their ear.
I palm it.
Even so.
Pardon me, my duties await.
Hey, Eddie! Got an air mail for you.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, it's Doug half-a-man.
Half-a-man instead of heffernan.
That's great.
I like that.
That's good.
Hey, what you got there, peanut butter? Yep.
I like peanut butter.
Spreads nice and easy.
Speaking of which, my mother says hi.
What do you want? Actually, you know what? It's about the calendar.
I just thought that, you know, if you could put in a good word for me with the p.
R.
Guys, and while you were doing that, I--I could load your truck or do your rounds.
Doug, save your breath.
You're in.
Really? I got it? Yeah, I don't know what the guys up there are sniffing, but, uh, it's all you there, lumpy.
All right, thanks.
Hey, spero, I forgot.
Who--who did you say they were picking for the calendar? You the man.
What? I'm the man.
Now, I-I'm confused, see.
So you're saying that Mr.
Palmer here not the man.
That's right.
Well, I can't believe it.
What the hell are they thinking upstairs? It wasn't what they were thinking, so much as what they were feeling.
You know what I'm saying? 'Cause sexy is sexy! You drive safe now.
Carrie? Have you seen your father? I've got a bunch of outgoing mail.
You're looking for Arthur? He just went into the conference room.
Now? But I thought the partners were in there meeting with those congressmen from the finance committee.
All I know is Arthur just walked in there with a big bag of mints.
All right.
You're dreaming, Carrie.
Just wake up.
Wake up.
Wakey, wakey.
Ok.
Crap! And then another time-- ah, excuse me.
Hi, dad.
Listen, uh, people are out there asking for their mints.
Sweetheart, I was in the middle-- he gets a little confused sometimes.
Come on, buddy.
Let's not bother these nice people anymore.
He's not bothering us.
We just asked him to recommend a good deli.
Oh, ok, good.
You've got the right guy here, I'll tell ya.
You know what we call him: The deli lama.
That's him, ok.
All right Oh--oh.
You don't Yeah, ok, good.
Bye.
Darling, I'm going now.
Going? I thought you worked until 4:00.
Actually, I was let go.
What? They fired you? Apparently there wasn't room in the budget for me.
Dad, that's absurd.
They pay you less than minimum wage.
Excuse me.
Uh, Mr.
pruzan, why did you guys fire my dad? We didn't.
He quit.
Oh, you must be mixed up.
I was let go.
Sir, you just came up to me and said, "I quit.
" It was merely to save face after I was fired.
Who fired you? Why, boss terwilliger.
Dad, what are you talking about? [Phone ringing] Look, I was fired, ok? Fired.
And that's all I have to say on the subject.
There is no boss terwilliger.
I know.
Ok.
Doug, come on.
I'm growing a beard here.
There he is.
Very nice.
I don't know.
You don't think it looks too stupid? It's for a charity.
Every month has a gimmick.
You're the April-showers guy.
Just be happy you're not baby new year.
Yeah, I guess I caught a break there.
All right.
Nice and loose here.
Nice and loose.
Ready to work? Ok, you're thinking: "Boy, I've got a special delivery for you!" That's it! All right.
Give me that precious look.
Work the Dolly.
Work the Dolly.
Work the umbrella.
Come on, work the umbrella.
Kind of scoot around it.
That's it.
That's it.
Give me that A little more precious.
Not that, no.
That! That's the money! That's the money.
Yes! Ok.
Good.
Good.
Your--your tie's a little crooked there.
Ok.
Just a little Like this? No, the other side.
Here.
Let me get it.
It's going so well.
Yeah.
That's better.
Now, I want you to let all your natural charm just seep out, huh? Ok, yeah.
Man, are you firm.
Wow.
Working out, huh? Nice traps.
Huh? Nice traps.
Yeah.
[Clears throat] Mmm.
How about, uh, we get back to the calendar there? We got some juveniles to save, huh? Wow! That's a lot of boy.
Yeah.
Doug, uh, I got to level with you.
There's no juveniles.
No juveniles? No juveniles.
No juveniles, no calendar, just you, me.
[Sighs] And a whole lot of sexual tension.
Not getting that.
Come on, Doug.
Wrap those linebackin' meat hooks around me, and pull me into the huddle.
What's going on here, man? Whoa! What are you tellin' me? Are you tellin' me you're gay? I'm not gay gay.
I'm what you call bi-curious.
Whatever.
Look, I gotta go, man.
I'm really late for something not gay.
Oh, God! I should've never done this.
Hey, don't tell anybody about this, huh? All right, look, I'm not going to tell anybody you're gay, ok? Thanks, Doug.
Thanks, man.
Ok.
Hey, Doug, thanks.
Ok.
All right, man.
Ok.
There you go.
Gotcha! [All laughing] Hey, heffernan.
You are looking good! (Deacon) Oh, man! You should've seen your face.
[Imitating doug] I got to go somewhere not gay.
[All laughing] All right, guys.
Knock it off.
Enough, enough.
All right? Leave him alone.
You all right, pal? I'm ok.
Good.
You want to go to the prom with me? Yeah, funny, man! You guys are funny.
Funny stuff, guys! It was a goof, porks.
I'd tell you to lighten up, but that might be hard for you.
You know what, man? I had enough of your crap, man! Hey, keep your hands off me.
Oh! God, oh! What the hell did you do? He came at me.
You saw it.
Oh, God.
Oh, God, it's broken, man.
Oh, my God.
He's really hurt.
It's broken! Somebody get some help now! Now! Look, it was just a joke, man.
You ok? Just a joke.
It's ketchup.
Mmm.
But it tastes like victory! (Deacon) Man! You knew the whole time? Oh, yeah, man! You kiddin' me? Spero told me this morning.
See, you thought you were getting me, but I flipped her around on you! Yabba dabba! Nice work.
Can I get the film now? Yeah.
It's digital.
That way, they go right on the Internet.
Sweet! [Elevator bell dings] Hello.
Dad, where have you been? I have been trying to call you for hours! Uh, I just went up to the roof to think.
Gets a little breezy especially when the helicopters are landing.
Dad, look, about what happened today, I want-- darling, can I tell you a little story? Sure.
Look, when I was 8 years old, I was chosen from dozens of boys to sing a solo from ave Maria at my church choir recital.
It was the greatest honor of my young life.
The night of the recital, my father was sitting right in the 2nd row.
He heckled me.
Heckled you? Oh, yeah.
He called it tough love.
Said it would make me a better choir singer.
But I was mortified.
Yeah.
Dad, that's--that's terrible.
Today you had the same look on your face as I did at my recital.
I'm sorry I embarrass you, Carrie.
Dad, no.
No, no, no, no.
You didn't do anything wrong.
I completely overreacted.
I guess sometimes I feel like I have to walk around apologizing for you, but that's--that's my problem.
That's all me.
Well, perhaps my prior antics have left you a bit gun-shy.
Well, true.
I could've done without your bomb jokes at LA guardia last month.
But, even so, I'm sorry about the way I acted.
I--I was touched that you wanted to, you know, be part of my life.
I love you, sweetheart.
I love you, too, dad.
[Tapping table] You know what? Why don't we forget about all this and start fresh? Tomorrow I will talk to pruzan and get your job back.
No, no.
I wouldn't hear of it.
To be honest, I find this place mind-numbing.
How you work here and not put a bullet in your head is beyond me.
Well, can I at least buy you a hot dog on the corner? I'll go for that.
Ok.
[Elevator bell dings] Ave Maria [Arthur continues singing] (Carrie) Dad! (Boy) ave Maria you call that singing? [Boy continues singing] You sound like a little girl! [Boy continues singing] Nice haircut! Use a bigger bowl next time! That's my boy.