The King of Queens s03e14 Episode Script

Paint Misbehavin'

A paintball party? You say it like you've never heard those 2 words together.
All right.
So let me get this straight.
We drive 100 Miles up into the catskills in order to run around in the muck and shoot balls of paint at each other? Yes.
Oy.
Come on.
It's Deacon's birthday.
You don't think maybe the guy should get to choose what he wants to do on his own birthday? Honey, you really want to do this? I don't care.
Yes, he does.
Fine.
Can't afford to paint the house, but we can cram it into guns and shoot it at each other.
What are you running from? Ok, can we order now? I'm starving.
I come knowin' what I want.
[People chattering] [Mumbling] Hmm? Pool table.
[Carrie chattering] Uh-huh, no.
No.
[Both mumbling] Mmm.
Burger looks good.
[Clears throat] How's that? That's good.
Ok.
My eyes are gettin' weary my back is gettin' tight I'm sittin' here in traffic on the queensboro bridge tonight but I don't care, 'cause all I want to do is cash my check and drive right home to you 'cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you (T.
V.
Announcer) If you like what the girls do during the day, wait till you see 'em at night.
Stay tuned for more college girls: Crazy in Rio.
Oy.
200 channels and nothing on.
It's ok, Doug.
You can watch your college sluts in Rio.
They're not my college sluts.
And just so you know, next time we're out and you see a girl you think is hot, you can look.
I can? Yes.
Just don't be a jerk when you do it, like that thing you do with your eyes.
It's so creepy.
Doesn't it hurt? A little, but I--I push through.
Doug, come on.
You know what I'm saying.
I mean, just because we're married, doesn't mean we're not gonna be attracted to other people once in a while.
You know, it's ok.
I mean, I would be worried if you weren't.
Like janee, my nail girl.
You think she's hot, right? No.
Doug? Yes.
You see? It's ok.
You can just tell me.
You don't have to lurk outside the salon window when you come to pick me up.
She's purty! Yes, she is.
So, come on.
Anybody else? You can tell me.
Yeah, well I guess there's Maggie at the dry cleaners.
Oh, and this toll taker on the whitestone bridge.
I mean, from the waist up, she's mmm-wah! Ha-ha.
The rest of her, that's anybody's guess.
That's why you didn't get e-z pass.
So who revs old Carrie up, huh? All right.
Um, well, I ain't hatin' that kid, Pedro, at the car wash.
Whoa! What the Young, buff, and illegal.
Good choice.
Good choice.
So who else? Come on.
I wanna-- I wanna know what kind of nympho I'm dealin' with here.
Ok, um Well, the sparkletts guy.
[Snickers] Ok.
Eric at the office, hmm.
Deacon.
Oh, and that guy who power-walks his grey hound in the morning.
I'm pretty sure he's gay, though.
You don't have to worry about it.
I mean, those little shorts, right? [Giggles] Right? So, Deacon, huh? Yeah.
Deacon, among others.
But among others, Deacon.
Yeah.
So, milady's got a thing for Deacon.
Wants some Deacon and eggs.
I don't have a thing for him, and it's no more of a big deal than the ones you said.
It's not a big deal.
It's just a fun fact, you know? Like a fruit fly lives for a day, and my wife's hot for my best friend.
Who would have thunk it? I don't know.
(T.
V.
Announcer) And we are back.
New York down 2, 3 minutes to go.
What? Nothin'.
I was just-- I just noticed that your ear's a little small for your head.
A little bit.
Just a little bit.
I'll tell you, Doug.
This is great hangin' like this.
Yeah.
Glad you could make it, guy.
I mean before my pizza place went out of business, I--I wouldn't have time for this stuff.
Huh.
Too busy makin' a living.
Everything works out for a reason.
Whoo! I'll tell ya.
I am really lookin' forward to this paintball party.
I could use a little relaxation.
Pow, pow, pow! Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow! You spot me a ride up there? What happened to your car? Ah, I sold it to buy a karaoke machine to pump up business.
Huh! A little late on that fad.
Pow! Well.
I--I can take 8 in my minivan.
Who's going? Uh.
Let's see.
You got us, uh, plus Carrie, Kelly, uh, my sister Stephanie.
(Doug) Yeah, ride with us, Danny.
Hey, guys.
Hey, man.
What's goin' on? What's happenin'? Oh, I was just, uh, drivin' by.
Couldn't help noticing all the cars of my friends.
Come on, man.
This wasn't planned.
It just sort of happened.
And I suppose hot wings just happened.
Will you stop? You remember my cousin Danny, right? Hey, man.
Good to see you.
Hello.
Come on, guys.
Sit down, hang out and watch the game.
[Sighs] I would, but my seat is ocupado.
Fine.
Here.
Sit here, ok? I'm goin' back to the house.
Anybody want anything? Some more hot wings? Deac? Uh.
No, thanks, man.
Tryin' to drop a few pounds.
Good.
Glad you're on top of that.
Man, I didn't know Doug's sister was comin' on this paintball thing.
I'm thinkin' maybe I shouldn't go.
Why not? Well, like, we all went on this big ski trip, shared this big condo.
Yeah.
So? Yeah.
So, we had a couple drinks, and let's just say I threw one her way.
Ah.
That's very sweet of you.
I told her that I really liked her.
I promised that I'd call as soon as we got back to the city.
Here's the kicker, I never did.
Get out.
So, deac.
The big 33.
Hey.
We have got to do something special for your birthday.
Oh.
We are.
Yeah.
Doug's throwing me a paintball party upstate.
What? I told you, like, a month ago.
You remember? You--you called it "a barbaric throwback to the worst in human nature.
" I just say things to hear myself talk.
You know that.
Well.
The thing is, I mean, the teams, they gotta be even, and I, uh, I already invited Danny.
Oh.
I see.
Um Hey, uh, I'm late for a thing.
Uh, goodbye.
Would you hold on, Spence? You can come.
No, no.
I wouldn't want to uneven your precious teams.
Spence, it's ok.
Forget it.
I don't want to get in the way of all this time you've been spending with your little cousin.
And by the way, I know about the jets game.
I--I only took Danny 'cause he's goin' through a hard time right now.
You're comin' to paintball.
You got it? No! You're comin', even if I gotta tackle you and strap you to the hood of my car.
What are you yellin' at Spence for? Because my wife thinks you're hot.
(Kelly) Honey.
Come on.
We got about a million people to pick up.
Uh, coming.
I am one handsome black man.
What are you doing, staring at yourself in the mirror? How do you keep your hands off me? What is with you today? Nothing.
Oh.
Some little honey on your route thought you were fine? Nope.
At least not anyone on my route.
So, who, then? Mmm.
Better not tell you.
I don't want to get you jealous and get those claws out.
Oh, please, honey.
I think I can handle it.
It's a beautiful mornin' ah I think I'll go outside for a while and just smile just diggin' some clean, fresh air 'cause (Doug) All right, people.
Listen up.
Ok, now, the object is to capture your enemy's flag.
Ok, now, remember, we're out here to have fun, but also to kill.
Any questions? [All chattering] Ok, then.
Here.
Hon.
Let me help you with that.
I got it, but maybe you ought to go help your girlfriend.
[Scoffs] Need some help with that? No, I think I got it.
Been a long time, huh? Has it? You look real good.
You mean I'm not the fat cow I used to be.
Yeah, right.
Ok, well, let's get this show on the road.
Where the hell is Carrie? [Sighs] Ok.
That was unpleasant.
Could you hurry up? We're choosing up teams.
Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
It was so lovely in there, I lingered.
Hey, could you make a little effort to enjoy this? If not for me, at least for Deacon.
Oy, would you stop with that already? You're the one who can't stop Loving him.
Yeah.
That's right, Doug.
I got it bad for Deacon.
Guess what? We're planning to kill you and run away with your millions.
Hey.
Come on, man.
Let's choose sides and get this paint war started.
(Deacon) You can have first pick.
Let me see.
Who would I like to have by my side? I will take Kelly.
Get over here, Ms.
foxy brown.
Comin', colonel.
Ok.
You got my wife, I'll take yours.
Carrie.
Come on, sugar.
Yes.
This just feels right.
Yeah? Well, we can just stop pickin' right now, and we'd have a winning team.
Oh, yeah? Well, so can we.
I guess we'd better keep pickin', though.
(Deacon) I take Louis.
You know what? Why doesn't someone just give me a wedgie now and complete my humiliation? Well, I told you you'd be extra.
Well, what are we gonna do? (Strohmeyer) Excuse me.
Do you need any additional personnel? Uh, uh, yeah, great.
We'll, uh We'll get you some equipment.
No need.
I have all the necessary equipment In my vehicle.
[Crickets chirping] [Birds chirping] Ok, how long are we gonna sit here? 'Cause I gotta be honest.
I really thought there was gonna be a lot more running and shooting.
This is a lot of-- lurking.
Shh! It's just that we only rented the field till 2:30.
After that, we've gotta pay extra.
Shh! Ok, you don't have to shush me! Ok? I'm a person.
We've been sittin' here for 45 minutes, ok? I want to start shootin' people.
Doug, yelling at me will not keep your wife from lusting after your best friend.
How--how did you know that? I believe the question is, "how did you not know?" They're--they're not having an affair or anything.
You know, she just, uh, thinks he's kind of attractive, but it doesn't really matter.
And it's eating you alive.
Yes, it is.
Yep, yep.
[Paintball gun firing] [Whimpers] [Louis screams] [Groans] [Sighs] Time for a 2nd coat.
Ow! It's just a game, you psycho.
Let's go, Doug.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Are you all right, man? (Strohmeyer) Doug! I gotta go.
[Whistling] Try and take my place? Think again, pizza boy.
[Crickets chirping] Crap.
Hey.
Oh.
Hi, kel.
Kill anybody yet? Nope.
God, this paintball thing is so stupid.
I know.
[Both laughing] Oh! Oh, it's on now! [Screams] Oh, my God.
You ok? What's goin' on? [Gasping] Your wife's gunning for me.
She's got crazy eyes.
Oh.
She's taking this worse than I thought.
Taking what worse? [Snickers] You know.
Oh, my God.
Did Doug tell you? Uh-huh.
Oh, my.
God.
Ok.
Chunky dies today.
[Paintball gun fires] Hey! That went right by my ear.
Yeah, 'cause I missed.
All right.
Now I gotta shoot you.
Fine.
Just don't say you're gonna call me after you shoot me.
Hey, look.
I'm sorry about not calling you, ok? It's--it's just that, uh, my phone was broke.
And I--I blew my nose on the napkin that had your number on it, and I couldn't tell if it was 667-- would you shut up? You know, I--I really liked you, Richie.
Sorry.
But you know what? Hand to God.
When I saw you today, I thought, "wow.
She looks good now.
" Really? [Richie chuckling] That's sweet.
Oh! Jeez.
My aim is better than I thought.
(Stephanie) Look, Richie.
I'm, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Richie.
You're gonna be ok.
Oh.
Ah! I'm out of ammo! [Grunts] [Grunts] I'm out, too.
So, what do we do now? [Grunts] First, we calm down.
I think my crown came loose.
Our only chance is to head for those woods over there, pick up more ammunition, and head on back.
Ok.
Ok.
[Paintball gun firing] [Grunts] Um I don't know if you believe in God.
But this might be a fine time to say a little prayer.
[Sighs] Ok.
Ok.
Well Oh, God, bless us, father, for the paint we are about to shoot I'm really more of an "amen" guy.
Doug, let's go.
On 3.
He, uh, he didn't give me a 3.
[Paintball gun firing] [Paintball gun firing] [Firing continues] [Grunts] [Sighs] (Danny) Hold it.
Oh, God.
Why are you stalking me? I'm not.
(Danny) What did I ever do to you? None of your b-I-beeswax! [Grunts] [Moans] [Both grunting] [Grunting continues] [Laughing] [Screaming] [Grunting] [Panting] [Groaning] [Gasping] I left my inhaler in the van.
[Laughs] Take that! [Both gasping] [Wheezing] [Laughs] Please! No! [Gasping] [Inhales] [Danny gasping] [Laughs] [Wheezing] [Inhales] [Both panting] This is fun.
Yeah.
Ha! Ok, you never told me what this means.
I don't even know.
Where are they? All right? Maybe you were wrong.
Maybe they're not here.
[Paintball guns firing] [Firing continues] [Panting] [Panting] I can't-- I can't do this.
I'm not good at war.
You really don't have an ounce of self-respect, do you? I just want lunch.
For God's sakes, man.
Tuck in your underwear.
Ok, I gotta get back.
Hey.
Stephanie.
So are you gonna call me? Yeah, sure.
I'll--I'll call you.
All right.
What do we have here? Oh, extra crispy.
Winner.
Don't move.
[Laughs] You're right, Carrie.
Yep.
He likes his chicken.
Yeah? Well.
Now he's finger-lickin' dead.
Good one.
[Scoffs] So long, my man.
Hold it! Yeow! Go ahead, man.
Pull the trigger, but if you shoot me, Kelly shoots you.
Yeah, well, if Kelly shoots me, Carrie shoots Kelly.
Then I shoot Carrie.
Doug, you shoot me, and you're never getting sex again.
You can't do that! Oh, it's done.
(Doug) All right, we're gettin' crazy here.
Look, man, we We all came up here to celebrate my best friend's birthday, and we're acting like idiots.
Come on, let's all just Let's calm down, ok? All right.
You're right.
I'm tired.
[Gun clicks] What was that? Nothin'.
You were gonna shoot me, but your gun jammed.
I think you're wrong.
Oh, man.
You are unbelievable.
Leave him alone! This is your fault, Deacon! Hey! I can't help bein' fine.
And I can't believe you told Deacon what I said.
Well, I couldn't have told him if you didn't tell me.
You asked.
I didn't want to hear Deacon.
I wanted Pedro at the car wash.
All right.
You're right.
I--I--I started this whole thing.
Go ahead.
Take a free shot at me.
I'm not gonna shoot you.
No.
Come on.
Come on.
You'll feel better.
Here.
Have a piece of chicken and shoot me.
You'll be a new man.
(Strohmeyer) Hold it.
Say good night, little lady.
I thought he was going for the chicken.
Honey, I'm home! Where the hell have you been? Oh, were you at that stupid paintball place again? I--I went-- I went-- I just-- "I went-- I went-- I went" You know the Hendersons are coming for bridge.
I mean, look at you.
Would you take that stupid rag off your head? I got-- I got-- I got the ice cream you wanted.
This is frozen yogurt.
My God.
You're an idiot.
[Stuttering] I'll go back.