The King of Queens s04e02 Episode Script

Sight Gag

There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.
I know you love it, baby.
Don't try to take a slice out, Doug.
You'll just get pizza on yourself and the car.
Just lookin' at her, makin' sure she's our girl.
Yup, that's Annie may.
She's purty.
Doug! It's just pepperoni! One piece of pepperoni! I got pizza on myself and the car.
My eyes are gettin' weary my back is gettin' tight I'm sittin' here in traffic on the queensborough bridge tonight but I don't care 'cause all I want to do is cash my check and drive right home to you 'cause baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you Hey.
Hi, baby.
We--we should keep gum.
We should have, like, a whole drawer just dedicated to gum.
Yeah.
Great idea.
Doug heffernan for president.
Ok, so, I'm just gonna jump in the shower, and then we'll, uh, swing by the bank and head over to the d.
M.
V.
D.
M.
V? You didn't say anything about going to the d.
M.
V.
Yeah.
I just found out my license expires on my birthday in like 2 weeks.
The bank and the d.
M.
V? I've done nothing to hurt you.
Oh, come on.
You'll keep me entertained in line with all that funny crap you say.
Douglas, I heard through the grapevine that, uh, you kids were doin' some errands.
Would you mind dropping these bags off at goodwill for me? Yeah, sure.
I've inflated the value of everything I'm donating by 50%.
Take that, Johnny I.
R.
S.
I'm sure the poor will really appreciate your used underwear.
I only hope it serves them as well as it served me.
Hold on a second.
You're donating some of our stuff.
Oh, Carrie put some things in there.
Wait a second.
This is the jacket I gave her on our last anniversary.
Let me see.
Yowza, that's a doozy.
What are you talking about? It's a great jacket.
Great if you like to wear things that are extremely ugly.
What's up with this? This is the necklace I gave her.
It's a nice necklace, ok? It was very expensive.
Douglas, I hope I'm not betraying Carrie's confidence when I say she told me she hates every gift you've ever given her.
You don't know what you're talkin' about.
Oh, don't I? She may open your gifts with a smile on her face, but she's dead behind the eyes.
Hangin' at the d.
M.
V.
The dumuv.
I was, uh, wondering, anything special you want for your birthday this year? Oh.
Uh, no, not really.
You don't have to get me anything, just your love.
That's sweet.
Hey, speaking of presents, remember that necklace I got you last year? You know, the one with the--the beads? How come you never wear that? I wear that.
You do? Yup.
Really? When? Um, usually just at work.
Next.
Hi.
I'm renewing.
Ok.
Please look into the machine.
Read the third line down.
Ok, that's, um "Y, e, d," "h", and, uh Is that a-- is that a dollar sign? Are those in there now? Do you wear glasses or contact lenses you don't have in right now? Um, I have glasses, but I don't need them to drive.
I can see fine.
It's "y, e, d, h" Dollar sign.
Ok, I'm gonna have to mark you down with a "one" for corrective lenses.
I don't need glasses to drive, ok? Not a whole lot of little tiny eye charts on the side of the road there.
I mean, ask my husband.
Am I not a great driver? You have your own style.
Excuse me.
Come here for a second.
Come here.
What is your problem? Could you just back me up here? Back you up? They're telling you you need glasses to drive.
They're the department of driving.
I'm kind of with them on this one.
But I already need them to read.
I don't want to wear them all the time.
They make me feel old.
Next thing you know, they'll be hanging on a chain around my neck.
I'll have the flab thing goin' on over here.
So you'll feel old, but pedestrians will live.
Fine.
Hello.
Uh.
I can't do this.
You know what you should've got? You should've got yourself a pair of those cat-eye contacts like in the thriller video.
Huh? Could you just not look at me? All right.
Could I get to the sink? You know Deacon's kids? They got that new wild Berry-flavored toothpaste.
I tried it.
You know what it is? It's wild! Could you also not speak and maybe leave? Yeah, well, this will cheer you up.
Everybody I invited is comin' to your birthday party.
And you're gonna love your present As soon as you tell me what I should get you.
I don't know.
I can't focus on that right now.
Ok, you know what? I can't-- I can't-- I'm not gonna-- I can't wear these.
I'm just gonna have to go with my glasses.
Well, I think you look adorable in them.
Aw, do you? Get out of here before I kick your ass.
Guess who! Still not gettin' it.
Hey! Hi.
Guess what? I finally got you the greatest birthday present in the entire world.
I know it's a few days early, but I give you the gift of sight.
What? Open it up, open it up.
Laser eye surgery? Laser eye surgery! One and a half minutes on each eye, and, bam, you're cured.
No glasses, no contacts.
Just perfect vision.
Yeah, I know a few people who got this.
And I took care of everything with your boss.
I got you 4 days off to recover even though most people are good to go the next day.
But definitely by your party, you're lookin' at 20-20.
So? Wow.
Well, it'd be great not to have to wear glasses.
Yeah! But eye surgery.
Isn't that kind of risky? Risky? Well, let me just read you a list of those people who were willing to take that risk.
Brad pitt, hmm? Big-time movie star.
Not too big for lasik, though, is he? Former defense secretary William Cohen.
I'm a huge fan.
Kenny g.
Kenny g, Carrie.
You think Kenny g.
Would risk going blind? His eyes are his living! He's a musician.
Aren't a lot of them blind? Come on, are you gonna do it? I don't know.
Come on, you gonna do it? I don't know! You're not gonna do it, are you? It's just-- it's eye surgery.
You know, that's surgery on your eyes.
Damn it.
I just-- I really thought I pulled it off this time.
What are you talkin' about? You reject all my presents.
What? That's not true! Yeah? What about the necklace I got you last year? You know, the one you "wear.
" I found it in the goodwill bag.
Oh.
No, no, no, no.
I did wear that.
I wore it so much, I wore it out.
You know what? It's fine, you know.
I'll just-- I'll call the doctor and I'll--I'll cancel everything, ok? Honey, it's just that, you know, that's a necklace.
This is-- this is surgery.
I just thought I'd finally found something you'd really love and you--you needed, and I just thought it'd be real special, that's all.
You know what? It--it is special, honey.
It is special.
I-I'm gonna go for it.
Really? Yes.
Yes! Wait till you see the surprise I get you for Christmas.
I'm not gonna tell you what it is, but you're gonna need a bigger bra.
I can't believe I'm actually doing this.
Perfect vision by your birthday.
It's gonna be awesome.
Hey, look.
Little baby with glasses.
Wonder if he does the other baby's taxes.
Carrie heffernan? That's me.
You can follow me to the prep room now.
Ok.
Well, this is it.
Hey, listen, uh, since you're gonna be seeing clear from now on, I feel I should warn you.
I'm a little overweight.
Ok, honey, ok.
I gotta go.
All right.
Bye.
Ok.
Hey, Happy Birthday, baby! Doug, wake up.
Hmm? Hmm.
You're totally blurry.
Really? All right.
Well, it's just the first day.
They said there could be some side effects.
It's totally normal.
Still blurry, Doug.
Still normal.
Normal.
I still can't see, Doug.
It's 2 days before my birthday, and I still can't see.
Does it say anything in the brochure about how long it took Kenny g to see normally? I think he was just mentioned the one time.
So it's exactly the same? I mean, give me a status report.
Is everything still cloudy? No, no.
Today, everything's doubled, and all light looks like hazy starbursts.
I gotta tell you, car, that sounds pretty freakin' cool.
Yeah.
Being blind is awesome.
I'm just trying to lighten things up.
The doctor said it may take some time, huh? We're still in that range.
Let's not freak out.
And that toaster's on.
Douglas.
Hello, darling, it's your daddy! Hi, dad.
I'm standing right next to you, and I'm going to kiss you good morning.
Don't be startled.
Thank you.
Thank you.
That was lovely.
Now I need some coffee.
You know what? Here, let me-- don't help her! If she's gonna survive, she needs to learn to live with her disability.
I told you, she's gonna be fine.
She's blind, damn it! And you're gonna make her soft and get her killed.
Ok, the both of you-- just-- you need to shut up, ok? Because you're totally stressing me out.
I'm gonna call the doctor to make sure this is really normal.
Ok, I can't find the phone.
Here, let me get it.
I'll get it.
Don't help her! Shut off! Yeah, hi, this is, uh, Doug heffernan.
Is Dr.
whitehorn available? Yeah.
Sure, I'll hold.
Yeah, hello? Yeah.
Uh, yeah, my wife was in there for laser eye surgery about 5 days ago, and she's still not seeing all that well.
Is that normal? Oh, ok.
Thank you, thank you very much.
Ok.
You're gonna be fine.
It's totally normal.
He said it wasn't normal.
When I told him it had been 5 days, he actually said, "huh!" You do not want to hear "huh" from your eye surgeon.
I know.
He said if she didn't get better by--by tomorrow, he'd have to go back in there and fix it.
Like go back into her eyes? Actually, I think they use the same incision line-- stop, man.
They-- no.
Then they cut open a flap, and they slip in under the cornea-- would you stop it? It's what they do.
I don't care what they do.
I don't want to hear about an eye flap.
Damn! Why did I do this? I told you to get her the foot massager.
Why didn't you get her the foot massager? I thought about it, but then I was like, "when is she really gonna use this?" So, I decided to blind her instead.
Hey, you know who else is blind? This ref! Am I right? Birthday party! B-day part-ay! Part-ay! Party on down to birthday town.
I'm a prisoner in my own body.
Come on, let's--let's get you ready.
Let's paint your face up.
You're always happy when you paint your face up.
I can't see.
How am I gonna put my makeup on? Well, hey, that's what I'm here for, huh? Let me work my magic.
Come on, let's stroll out over to the goop zone.
All right, you know, I'll come to you.
That's fine.
We'll, uh, we'll start with the lips.
Whoa.
Mac.
I'm your "Mac" daddy.
There we go.
Jeez, I feel--feel a little bit like a serial killer.
Pretty.
You look so pretty.
Pretty little Pretty.
All right, all right.
You know what? This is insane.
Why am I even having a party? I can't friggin' see.
The doctor said I would be better by today.
How come I'm not better? Actually, now that you bring it up, he did mention that he might have get back in there and do the operation again.
Hold still now.
What? Another operation? How come you didn't say anything? That was a worst-case scenario.
Oh, so I'm a worst-case scenario? Oh, my-- I can't believe I let you talk me into this.
Honey, look, you're gonna be fine.
I'll take you back there tomorrow, and they'll take care of you.
And today, we got a great party for you, huh? It'll take your mind off of things.
No, it won't.
What do you think? Halfway through I'm gonna forget I can't see? You don't need to see to enjoy.
You still have 5 other senses.
There are only 5 senses total.
No, there are 6.
No, there are 5.
Ok, fine.
What about the movie the sixth sense? Huh? You think they were just wrong? An entire film company, just wrong.
The--the--the point is, your friends, they wanna see you.
I mean, they love you.
And I--I--I love you.
Come on, now.
Come on.
Fine.
There you go.
You know, I think this blindness actually softens you a little, you know? It makes you more approachable like marlee matlin.
She's very hot, but the deaf thing makes you think, "mmm, I could get her.
" Happy Birthday, dear Carrie Happy Birthday to you I'm gonna set this here.
Whoa, whoa, watch yourself.
Now, that-- that's fire.
All right, honey, just--just blow now.
Ok.
Thank you, everyone, for coming.
I know this is a little weird.
It's great.
Oh, I'll, uh, I'll serve this up.
Ok, thanks, sweetie.
Uh, ahem, you're Carrie's boss, right? I sure am.
I don't want you cutting her any slack at work because she's blind.
Reprimand her just as hard as you would anyone else.
If necessary, I will make her life a living hell.
God bless you.
How about opening some presents? Yeah.
All right, here we go.
Oh, oh, that one's from, uh, me.
From Spence.
Oh, thank you.
Ok.
Hey.
Hey, nice, Spence.
Hey, what is it? Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
It's a-- it's a beautiful red sweater.
Feel that.
Feels nice, huh? Feel that.
Oh, well, thank you, Spence.
Oh, I'm over here now.
Marco! This one's from me.
From Kim from the office.
Ok.
Ok.
Oh, wow! It's a beautiful book of nature photographs.
Sorry.
Ok, you know what? Everybody just talk amongst yourselves, ok? Party like I can see fine.
Ok.
I gotta tell you, Carrie, I am shocked at the problems you're having with your surgery.
I feel awful.
Oh.
Thank you, Mr.
pruzan, but it's not your fault.
Well, I feel like it is.
I mean, I was the one who recommended you to go to Dr.
burns.
When he did my eyes, I was skeet shooting that afternoon.
I didn't go to a Dr.
burns.
I never heard of a Dr.
burns.
I told Doug about him when he called to ask for your time off.
What happened? I thought you were gonna go with my guy.
There are a lot of places.
Where'd you end up going? We went to, uh Vision village.
Doug, can I talk to you privately for a second? Pruzan told you about a great doctor? Yeah.
He told me about his guy, but I thought we should go another way.
Go another way.
Hmm.
Watch out, honey! Could you just calm down? Look, the guy he recommended was in Manhattan.
You go in there, you're just paying for the bells and the whistles.
Mmm-hmm.
Is sight a bell or a whistle? The place we went to seemed fine.
They were certified.
I got the certification inside.
You want to see it? I'd like to see a lot of things, hon.
I'm just-- I'm just sayin' it seemed fine, ok? I mean, the brochure, it was beautiful, and I--I got the coupon in the mail.
A coupon? I cannot believe you used a coupon for my surgery? How could you go to a place that even offered a coupon? How much did you save, Doug? I don't want to say now.
I wanna know how much you saved.
Half off the second eye.
Half off the second eye.
That's wonderful.
You know what, sweetie? Next time you want to give me a gift, just hand me a $100 bill, and stay the hell away from me.
Ok, Carrie, you know, I get it, ok? All my gifts suck, ok? Why don't you just throw your eyeballs in the goodwill bag? Oh, I cannot believe you are still trying to make me feel guilty about this.
Yeah, well, you hurt my feelings! Well, you blinded me! So we're even! Ok, here we go.
Wow.
Pruzan's guy even uses nicer bandages.
All right.
Could you just get it off please? I will.
Relax, ok? Everything's gonna be fine.
Ok.
Here we go.
I can see.
I can see everything clearly.
Oh, my God, this is fantastic! Ok.
Apology accepted.
There's no better feeling in the world than a warm bag of Chinese take-out on your lap.
I thought there was no better feeling than pizza.
Now it's Chinese.
Ok.
I got egg roll on myself and the car.