The King of Queens s04e05 Episode Script

No Retreat

If eatin' hotdogs is wrong, I don't wanna be right.
Man, I read an article on what actually goes into a hotdog-- hey, man! That's none of our concern.
Hey, listen, on Saturday I'm takin' my brother's boat out.
You guys wanna go water skiing? Not me.
Not me.
Hey, let me-- let me tell you about the one time I went water skiing.
Or as I like to call it my 40-mile-an-hour enema.
I'm in the water, right? I'm adjustin' my vest, and the guys I'm with, they-- they--they just take off, you know.
So I'm screamin', "stop, stop!" And they're like-- hey, guys.
Hey.
Listen, I'm telling my water skiing story.
Oh, did you throw in your Yes, I did, and it was very well received.
Finally, I get up for, like, 2 seconds, and then I wipe out.
I hit the water, my bathing suit literally explodes on impact.
So I'm just floatin' there, and I-- oh, do the floaty thing.
Oh, I'm--I'm like this.
Whoa, whoa, I'm floatin'.
And I realize I scream exactly the same if a great white is gonna attack me or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Same scream.
All right, I'm gonna go finish packing.
I wanna leave early tomorrow.
Bye, you guys.
Later, carr.
Where you guys goin'? Oh, Carrie's got a retreat with her law firm upstate.
Sounds brutal.
Yeah, but it's a big deal for her.
Listen, deac, could I get you to check in on Arthur? There's no, uh, washing or wiping involved, is there? No, he's still on top of that.
Ok.
All right, who needs another brew? Oh, right here.
All righty.
Oh, look.
Look at the tie I bought you for the retreat.
It's gonna go great with your brown jacket.
Yeah, the, uh, brown jacket doesn't close in the traditional sense anymore.
What? Why didn't you tell me that before? I could have had it altered.
I'll wear my blue jacket.
What're you getting so worked up about? Because, Doug, this is the first time I've been invited to--to--to a work function where I'm actually a guest.
Where my name will just be Carrie.
Not "Carrie, coffee, now!" Ok, ok.
Well, if any of the senior partners are gonna be there, you know, I wanna work for one of these guys.
Their secretaries make a lot of money.
They have their own offices.
They're on the lunch list! Ok, honey, I'm with you.
I'll go.
I'll--I'll dress up.
I'll be your trophy husband.
I know that's why you married me.
Thanks, honey.
You-you're being great about this.
Come on, I love you, you know.
I'm here for you.
Oh, oh, and I--I bought you another thing for the trip.
A book? Yeah.
Yeah.
I heard it's supposed to be great.
It's about those guys who climbed mt.
Everest.
I thought you might want somethin' to read.
I have never wanted something to read.
You know, here's the thing, honey.
Um, I was looking at the, uh, the brochure for the lodge up there, and, um, the thing is there's no t.
V.
My eyes are gettin' weary my back is gettin' tight I'm sittin' here in traffic on the queensborough bridge tonight but I don't care, 'cause all I want to do is cash my check and drive right home to you 'cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you Isn't this great? Ok, I'm the only one in a tie.
But you look nice.
Carrie, a guy thought I was the manager, and told me the toilet won't stop flushing in 312.
It'll be fine, all right.
I wanna-- I wanna schmooze everybody.
Let's heffernate the place.
Mr.
Thompson, hi.
Hi.
I wanna congratulate you on becoming partner.
Oh, thanks.
This is my husband Doug.
Doug, this is Mr.
Thompson.
He just made partner.
Oh, really? Wow.
Howdy, partner.
Hey, Carrie, real quick.
I want you to meet sue rabinowitz.
You talk to her all the time on the phone, and she wants to put a face with the name.
Sure.
Excuse me for one minute.
No, Carrie, wait, please, God, I hate you.
So, partner.
Actually, it's been quite a journey there, Doug.
Uh, you know, funny story.
Um, or-originally, I was admitted to the bar in Virginia, uh, and then I--I made my way back up to New York there, so I had to take a new bar exam.
Now, that was difficult because some of the laws are similar, and then some of them are slightly different.
I see you're enjoying the doodles.
Yeah.
You realize Doug and Carrie left me a limited supply of food.
I--I brought this from my house and I left you another bag, right there.
Why don't you check the attitude, son? I'm gonna get a glass of water.
You want some? No.
Look, I'm 76 years old, and I don't need a baby-sitter! I should be baby-sitting you.
Look, man, Doug just asked me to check in on you.
I'm just being nice.
Nice, my ass! You just like playing God.
I could be at home with my wife and kids.
Do you also sit in front of them, eatin' cheese puffs like a Wolverine? Do you want me to leave? I want that with every fiber of my being! Fine, then I'm out of here.
Good! And thank you for the doodle crumbs! Ok, so, as the head of the contract department, what I do is I sit down with all our corporate officers and, uh, together we draw up the various I should be listening.
I just can't lock in.
Ok, if I start listening now, I might get into it.
documents, now Ok, now.
documents ready.
Now! Damn it! You have to do the whole thing over again.
Now, there's, uh, a green copy, a pink copy I wonder if I could lift this guy with one arm.
Sorry, uh, I'm done in here.
Hey, how's it comin' with my toilet? Oh, I, uh, I--I sent the guy up.
around here somewhere.
Uh, listen, if you-- if you can't make it happen, I'll take my business elsewhere, ok? Honey, I--I wanna-- I wanna introduce you to someone important.
Uh-huh, no, no, no.
I understand that, but I'm--I'm at my wife's retreat right now, ok? I don't have time to be-- Whoa.
Whoa.
This thing's going crazy, man.
I'm talkin'.
She's ringin'.
Doug heffernan.
How are you? Hi.
I have chicken kebabs and a quart of curry clam soup.
Well, thank you, my good lad.
I'll tell you, you build up quite an appetite delivering packages, which is what I do.
It has been written since the beginning of time, even unto these ancient stones, that evil, supernatural creatures exist You sure your company's paying for all this? 'Cause if they're not, it's gonna affect my choices.
Yes, Doug, it's all free.
But just do me a favor.
Try not to eat the door.
Whoa.
Where the hell is that comin' from? Where's it coming from? How about your pathetic performance down there? What? What mixer were you at? Oh, ok, any of these things ring a bell? Uh, avoiding eye contact, faking cell phone calls, and did I see you running a floor polisher? I was moving it to a safer place.
Do you know who that was I was trying to introduce you to? That was Lou kaplan, ok? He's a senior partner.
And you know what I just found out? His secretary's leaving.
And I want that job, Doug! But what do you care? Right? It-it's amazing.
And when you're with your friends, you're funny, y-you're telling stories, but up here, you're like a friggin' idiot! You know what? My friends are a little more fun than these guys.
Oh, yes, the documentation of the document was very well, um, documented.
Really? Tell me that story again, from the beginning! You know what, if that's not exciting enough, I can always come upstairs here and read! Yeah, oh! A harrowing climb from base camp to 29,028 feet.
All right, you know what, Doug? Nobody told you this was gonna be the best weekend of your life, but you're here for me.
Just like when I-- when I went up to buffalo with you for sausage fest.
That was a "you" weekend.
But did I shut down? No, I did not.
I entered and won a very embarrassing contest.
Why? Because I love you.
And I'm just--just asking the same from you.
All right.
I'm sorry, ok? I'll--I'll try to be better tomorrow.
So I said, "are you a judge or you just like wearing the robe?" That's so true.
Yes, it is.
You are one bad senior partner.
You said you would try, so jump in.
I did.
I talked about the eggs.
You said you got eggs.
That's not enough.
So now, my grandson tells me he needs a jet ski, and on top of that, he wants to turn professional.
Oh, he's talkin' about jet skiing.
Tell him your water skiing story.
Come on.
This way to Mr.
kaplan.
Speaking of jet skiing, Doug has a funny story about water skiing.
Oh, oh, great, just one sec.
So, bottom line, I tell my daughter to get him the best jet ski they make.
I don't care what it costs.
I mean, the kid has cystic fibrosis.
I just want to see him happy, you know.
How's the little guy doin'? Not so good.
So, Doug, you have a water skiing story? Oh, man! What the hell happened here? Ugh.
What is that smell? Whew.
That may or may not be the curry clam soup I spilled on the bed.
How did you spill soup on their bed? Well, technically, I was in their bed.
Well, did you wipe it up with Doug's uniform? Technically, I was in Doug's uniform.
Uh, let me get this straight.
You were in Doug's uniform, eating soup in their bed? Those are the tent poles of the story, yes.
Were you trying to be Doug? Look, we can stand here all day and point fingers or we can work as a team and get this place cleaned up! And then, uh, I fall, and, uh, my bathing suit literally explodes on impact.
And, uh, I'm just, like, I'm--I'm floating there, you know, I'm floatin' there, it was like, whoa.
Don't float.
Hmm? Don't float.
And, uh, ahem, and then, uh, uh, seaweed touched me, and it was-- it was gross.
The end.
That's some story.
I tell you, Doug, you may want to look into editing that bad boy.
Well, this has been a super breakfast.
That's the last thing I'm saying all weekend.
You were just thrown by the fibrosis thing.
Don't give up.
I just want to say thank you so much for hosting this whole thing.
It's really great up here.
Oh, yeah.
I love it here in the mountains.
You know, when I was younger, I used to climb these things.
Oh, yeah.
Climbing's great.
Uh, you a climbing guy? Yeah, yeah, a little bit, yeah.
Nothing like it, is there? No, there is not.
How high up you been? Hmm? What's the highest elevation you hit? Uh, oh, uh, That's Everest.
You've climbed mount Everest? Yes, I did.
Why would you say you climbed mount Everest? I don't know! What were you thinking? I don't know! You were pinchin' me and pokin' me.
He brought up Mountain climbing.
I--I remembered the book.
The book isn't about you! I know that now! See, see? This is why I don't read.
Ok, you know what? You know what? You know what, for the rest of the trip, you stay in this room, and you will make a very brief appearance at the final dinner, ok? A lot of lawyers do that with their alcoholic wives.
It works.
Fine, yeah, I'll stay in the room.
You know what I'll do? I'll just watch t.
V.
Hey, look what's on.
Flowers! Hello.
Oh, hi.
Oh, oh, all right.
Yeah, no, we can make it.
Ok.
We'll see you then.
Bye-bye.
Crap! What? That was Mr.
kaplan.
Apparently now he finds my husband, the Mountain climber, delightful.
We're going horseback riding with him in 15 minutes.
Wh-what? We can't! He'll grill me about Everest! I-- maybe he won't ask.
Carrie, I scaled the highest Mountain in the world.
Who wouldn't ask about that? I'm fascinating.
Oh, you're right.
What are we gonna do? Here, we've got about We need to know where mount Everest is, what kind of equipment you need.
Is there any good Mountain lingo in there? What's it say? What's it say? I'm looking! I'm looking! Hey, this guy lost a big toe.
I'm very screwed.
Yeah, I'll never forget it, up there on Everest.
It was so cold, you know? Snow was everywhere.
So much snow that, like, schools would be closed for 2 or 3 days.
I mean if they had schools up there.
I don't-- I didn't see any.
I did see a seesaw.
And when exactly did you lose the big toe? Uh, oh, I don't even know.
I just took my boot off, and, uh, it was gone.
Yes.
He still has trouble balancing.
You know, I envy you, Doug.
I'm tough as nails in the courtroom, but I wonder if I could have held up on that hill.
I think you would have been pretty great.
Thanks.
Means a lot.
Hey, you know, next weekend, you and Carrie should come up to our house in Connecticut.
Do you like hot-air ballooning? Uh, uh-- we love it! I would pick up the broken glass from the crystal swan before I put the mattress back.
Hey, I think I can handle it.
I would put the other side up.
Stop telling me what to do! Well, if you put the mattress soup side down, it's gonna get moldy.
Any idiot knows that! You got soup on both sides and on the wall! What'd you do, pour it through a fan? Look, don't make this a black-white thing, ok? You're out of your mind.
I'm goin' home.
You can't go! Douglas will smack me around like a pinata.
Good.
I am not going away on another weekend with him! Why? I think hot-air ballooning sounds fun! No.
You told me that all I had to do was get through this ride.
That's all I'm doing.
And look how great you're doing.
You're up on that horse.
You're lying like a son of a bitch-- no! Come on.
If we go away with him, I can have a lock on that job.
One float in a basket over Connecticut.
I'll bring chicken.
Ok, you are now officially insane.
I tried my best here, but now you've crossed the line.
I'm--I'm done schmoozing.
I'm done lying.
I'm done reading.
I'm done! Me and whiskers, you know what, we're out of here.
We're out of here, man.
I don't need any of this.
Yeah, tell me.
Tell me.
Oh, yeah.
I don't need you.
Giddy-up! I'm, oh, we're outta here.
Yee-yah! Whoa! Yeah! Yeah.
Oh, God! Oh, God! Ok.
Ok.
Oh, sweet lord.
So outta here.
So outta here.
I don't need you.
So don't need you.
I am outta here.
I am so outta here.
Come on back, whiskers.
We can walk.
We can walk.
Yes, we can.
Your shoulder still hurtin', baby? It's better that it's back in the socket.
At least it got us out of hot-air balloonin', huh? Yes, honey.
You were so great-- yeah-- ow! Oh, so sorry.
Mama.
Yes.
You were really great this weekend, sweetie.
I know I went a little nuts.
I'll get that job somehow.
You don't have to worry about it.
You ever think of just sleeping with the guy? Yeah, um, actually I talked to his, uh, current secretary.
Apparently it's a lot of work.
Oh, hi, daddy.
Darling.
Douglas.
How was your weekend? Quite nice, except when your friend Deacon stopped by.
Why? What happened? He lurched in here, reeking of soup and bourbon, went right up into your bedroom.
I heard some noise, but I didn't think it was my place to go into your private quarters.
Oh, my God! Sweet t.
V.