The King of Queens s04e08 Episode Script

Life Sentence

Hmm.
What? I'm a little parched.
What, you want a beer? What the hell did you do over there? This? Just a little upgrade on the night table.
Is that a refrigerator? I like to refer to it as a minibar, but, yes.
What do you got in there? Beer, devil dogs, leftover Chinese, cocktail sauce.
This--this is absurd.
Yeah, it's absurd until we're up here eatin' shrimp without any sauce.
Then not so absurd.
No, I mean the refrigerator.
The whole thing.
You can't do this.
It's just-- it's It's not done.
Why do you fear change? Oh, forget it.
This is stupid.
I'm going to sleep.
All right.
Good night, miss fridge-less.
It's gone in the morning.
My eyes are gettin' weary my back is gettin' tight I'm sittin' here in traffic on the queensboro bridge tonight but I don't care, 'cause all I want to do is cash my check and drive right home to you 'cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you Welcome home from the hospital, dad.
Yeah, it's really great to have you back, Arthur.
So, how does it feel to be home? Delightful.
So, where is everybody? What? For my welcome-home surprise party.
Um, dad, there's no surprise party.
Then I guess you won't mind if I look behind the couch! You just had heart surgery.
Our first thought wasn't to have people jump out and scare you.
Uh-huh? Then I guess you would have no problem with me going into the kitchen! Oh, you're very good.
All right, before you look under the sink, we really didn't plan a party.
Then what was all that stalling at the hospital? I was gettin' the car and apologizin' to your scrub nurse.
So, not even a cake? I'm sorry.
I claw my way back from death's door, and I don't even get a cake? Pat's bakery.
I'm takin' this.
That's stale bread for the ducks.
It's mine now! Dad, breakfast! No, thank you! I made you egg whites, like they said.
What's the point without the yellow? That's the actual baby chicken.
Why does he do that? You gotta eat.
Want me to bring you down a tray? No! Don't you come down here! Something's wrong.
Dad? Dad.
I'm in the bathroom.
What are you doin' in there? Be vague.
I was stepping from the shower, and I started feeling a bit woozy from my new medication.
Long story short, I'm currently wedged between the sink and the toilet.
Oh, my God.
Well, let us help.
Doug, go help.
No.
He just got out of the shower.
That means everything's wet and dangling.
Just pretend you're in the locker room at the gym, ok? You told me you check out the old guys anyway.
I will never open up to you again.
Perhaps you two would like to argue further as my feet go numb! Ok, fine! God, I'll Comin' in, Arthur.
Oh, God.
Oh, boy.
God.
Douglas, this may go faster if you uncover your eyes.
Ok.
Oh, God! Come on! Just lift me here.
No, I'm not gonna lift you there.
How about here? I'd rather do the first one.
Just lift me somewhere, you homophobe! Doug, help him! Ok! Oh, gosh.
All right.
Oh, man.
Ok.
Ok, he's good.
Now boil me.
I am not moving up to the guest room.
Dad, you just had surgery.
You're on new medication.
I think I need to keep an eye on you.
Keep an eye on me? No, thank you, senator McCarthy! Doug, tell him he has to move upstairs near us.
I can't do that.
I am not moving.
And if you force me, I will wear only underwear to dinner! Well, if he's not wearin' pants, I'm not wearin' pants.
Why does he have to be so difficult? I wish I still smoked, because I could really use a cigarette right now.
Don't stress out, all right? He doesn't need to move upstairs.
Doug, you saw him.
He just spent 3 hours wedged under a toilet tank.
That was a complete fluke.
If we dropped your father on the bathroom floor a thousand times, he would never land that way again.
All right, you know what? Either hop on board and help me to get him to move upstairs, or think of another way I can make sure he's safe.
Ok, don't laugh.
Cowbell.
So? Did you hook it up? Yeah.
I wired it through the cable.
Channel 3 on every t.
V.
In the house.
Great idea I had about puttin' the baby cam in, huh? Come on, give me some props.
You never gave the cowbell a chance.
Come on, this is great.
A couple of times a day we flick it on, we check in on him.
He never has to know.
So, how'd you get the camera in his room without him seeing you? I lured him outside with peanuts.
What? I put a bag of peanuts in the backyard.
He went out and ate 'em.
Like a squirrel.
Look, he's still eating them.
Oh, you really made his day, honey.
All right, I feel better already.
Thank you so much.
What's the matter? Nothin'.
I'm just dealing with the horror of having to see his face on the thing I love most.
Oh, come on.
That's done.
Next thing.
Keep Monday night open.
I have our insurance guy comin' over.
Monday night, that's football.
I have company comin' over.
Company? That's right.
I can call my friends "company.
" Yeah, well, tell your company they can get drunk and thumb-wrestle without you.
Why do we gotta meet with the insurance man, anyway? Because, honey, this whole thing with my dad getting sick got me thinking.
I mean, all kinds of bad stuff can happen to us, and we're not prepared.
I mean, we don't even have any life insurance.
Yeah, we do.
No, we don't.
Uh, yeah, we do.
I got it when I signed up for that sears card, remember? I checked that box.
That's for $2,500! That's not enough.
Well, I see someone's plannin' to live pretty high on the hog when I'm dead.
Come on, we're getting more insurance.
We need to start planning for our future.
I have plans for our future.
Besides owning a robot.
Fine.
Now I'm gonna program him not to love you.
Oh.
It's a blowout.
Now we gotta hope someone breaks their leg and they keep showin' it.
Man, Doug picked a good game to miss.
Anything else on? Uh, let's see.
Mannequin 2.
TV guide channel what in the Sam hill? Oh, that's my baby cam.
Doug and Carrie borrowed it to keep an eye on Arthur.
He doesn't know he's on TV? Nope.
All right, come on, keep flippin'.
Oh, ok.
Um, oh, wait.
What's he doin'? Look's like he's takin' some clothes out of the dryer.
Huh! So, of course if Doug were to die suddenly, Carrie, you would receive the maximum payout of this policy.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
But if Doug were to, say, sustain a massive head injury, which he survives, the good news is this policy would cover his hospital stay, his physical therapy, and any life support.
That is good news.
Look at this.
He's puttin' his underwear in the bottom drawer.
Who does that? Underwear's top drawer.
Am I right? Where I come from.
Uh, whoa, wait.
He's going back to the dryer? Yeah, he put in another load.
He-- when? When you were peeing.
What? Why don't you tell me these things? Oh, man.
Uh-oh.
Look, look.
He left a sock in the dryer.
Fasten your seat belts, gentlemen.
Ok, he'll see it, he'll see it.
I don't think so, man.
It's right there, hangin' out of the dryer.
He doesn't see it.
He's confused.
Oh, God! It's right there.
Damn it! Turn around! It's 2 feet from your head, guy! No! He threw it in the garbage.
This--this is terrible.
Ok, I think that the term life policy offered by Western mutual is best for you.
So why don't we roll up our sleeves and get to the nitty-gritty? Ok.
Do you own this house and you pay a mortgage? Yes.
And, Carrie, if Doug were to pass away, you would stay here, and your father, Arthur, would continue to live here with you? Yes.
Definitely.
And if you were to pass away, would your father continue to live here with Doug? Oh, of course.
Great.
Let's move on to some payment options.
People, a lot of people like to pay it annually, take the medicine in one spoonful.
Or we can break it down for you.
You could pay semiannually, quarterly, some people play monthly.
Of course, I wouldn't suggest weekly.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Hey.
How you doin'? You ok? I'm fine.
Hey, how about that insurance guy last night, huh? He's kinda wild, huh? What do you mean? Nothin'.
Just, uh, they don't paint a pretty picture.
I'm gettin' whacked in the head, you're gettin' hit by a bus.
Arthur's here, he's livin' with you, livin' with me.
It's crazy.
It's crazy.
Yeah.
Dad! Breakfast! Be right up! Well, I gotta go to work, anyway.
Hey, tomorrow morning? Bagels? I'll bring 'em.
Crap.
I gotta get outta here.
Honey, make sure he eats and takes his pill, ok? And do me a favor.
Drop him off at the y for his art class on your way to work? All right? Hey, dad.
It's on the table.
All right.
I'll see you guys tonight.
Love you.
Bye, daddy.
Bye, princess.
It's just you and me, huh, Douglas? Yeah, just you and me.
Hey! Howdy do! Welcome home.
I talk to you for a sec? Yeah.
What's up? I was just, uh, thinkin' about our future, you know, like we discussed with the insurance guy.
Especially that thing where if you die, but Arthur and I, uh-- we don't? And that thing of him staying here with me? That's a good option.
Definitely.
Definitely a good one.
But I guess this is the question I would put to you, Carrie.
Is it the best? So, w-what are you saying here, Doug? That you don't want to take care of my father if I die? Is that what you're saying? I'm just saying you sprung this on me, and now all of a sudden, it's decided.
I just think we should have a good, open conversation about it.
Ok.
We're now having an open conversation.
Do you want to take care of my father if I die? Not really.
I can't believe this! So you're just fine with and dragging him away in the dead of night? Look, how many orderlies there'll be and what time of night they get here, that's all up for debate.
Wow! That's just Wow! I mean, I don't-- I don't even know what to say here, Doug.
I mean, this is my father's home.
I I thought we were all family.
I'm sorry, Carrie, but you're actin' like it's totally normal for a guy to keep living with his father-in-law if his wife dies.
I mean, it's till death do us part, which I always took to mean if there's a death, we all part.
So this is how you really feel? Not me.
It's in the vows.
Ok, let me ask you this.
If, um, I had a dog when we got married and we lived with this dog, um, if I died, would you-- would you send the dog away, or would you keep it, take care of it? Because this is the dog's home.
What kind of dog? Forget it.
Forget it.
Who you callin'? Don't worry about it.
Bill gilliard, please.
Oh, come on.
Why are you callin' him? Because he's comin' over tomorrow night so we can sign the policy.
If you're not gonna take care of my father, he has to change the coverage.
Yes, I'll hold.
Hang up.
Why? I'll take care of your father if you die.
But I'm renaming him rusty.
Dad, the insurance man's here.
We're comin'.
Hello.
Welcome.
Good evening.
What's with the jacket and tie? You asked me to witness the signing of documents.
I take that responsibility very seriously.
Arthur spooner.
Pleased to meet you.
Bill gilliard.
Would you like a cocktail? I make a mean Irish coffee.
No, thank you.
I got whipped cream.
Guy said no.
Ok.
Just let me get set up here.
First, we'll do the primary policy agreement.
Carrie, I'm gonna need you to sign here.
Oh.
Ok.
And, Doug, right next to her.
Ok.
And now, as a witness, Mr.
spooner, you sign there.
Let me just look this over.
Let's see, "from the office of Mr.
William e.
Gilliard, "tri-borough life insurance agency, "816 queens boulevard queens, New York.
" Dad, all you have to do is sign it.
I'm not signing anything without reading it first.
"1-1-3-7-5, November the 12th" ok, you know what? I-I'd like to get goin'.
Can I sign all my stuff now? No.
Could you just stay so we could do it right? What, you got somewhere else you gotta be? I got company coming over.
All right, you know what? Stop calling your friends company.
They're 3 losers with nothing else to do on a Friday night.
They'll wait 10 minutes.
Well, everything seems to be in order here.
Where do I sign? Right there.
I'll need to notarize this, so I'll need both your driver's licenses.
Oh.
Could you grab mine out of my purse? Just to, uh, double-check.
The disfigurement thing is in here? Uh, yeah.
It's on page 7.
What the hell is this? You're smokin' again? Oh, no! She didn't! No, no.
You know what? I was holding those for a friend.
Oh, come on, Carrie, this is your brand.
You're smokin' again.
Are you a smoker, Carrie? 'Cause that will raise your rates.
No, no, no.
Some people at work, they dared me to smoke.
It was peer pressure.
I can't believe this.
You have the gall Yeah, that's right, gall to ask me to look after your father if you die, and you start smoking? They're ultra lights! Oh, please! All right, you know what? Give me a break.
I-- I'm--I'm under a lot of stress.
So I had a couple of cigarettes.
Big deal.
I know--I know what you're tryin' to do.
You're tryin' to die first.
What? That's right.
You're tryin' to die before me so I get stuck with Arthur.
But you know what? You can't out-die me.
Hell, I could drop tomorrow.
All right, stop acting like an idiot.
Oh, no, no, sister.
The race is on.
Let's see what we got.
Look at this! Whipped cream! Oh! 16 grams of fat per serving.
Bring it on.
All right, knock it off.
Uh-uh.
No way! Should I go? All right, you know what? You want to act like a jackass? Fine.
You know what? Then I'm smokin'.
Smoke away! Yeah, that's right.
Fine.
Yeah, 'cause I love it! Oh, whipped cream, come and find me! Yeah, have a heart attack! All right, all right, all right.
Stop it! Stop it! A week ago, I was in the hospital, and I didn't know if my next breath would be my last.
The happiest day of my life was when I walked back in here with you 2 kids.
Hey, do you think he-- But now, I hear you're just worried about who's gonna get stuck with me.
That hurts! Makes me feel like I should never have gotten off that operating table.
You're right, dad.
I'm I'm sorry.
Yeah, uh, m-me, too, Arthur.
We're really glad you're home, dad.
We love you.
And I love you kids, too.
Bill.
I think we'll sign that policy now.
That was the best one ever.
So, uh, what'd you think, deac? It was good.
I'm just glad they finally added a black guy.