The King of Queens s04e13 Episode Script

Food Fight

Doug! I'm here.
I'm ready.
Where's the blanket? What? I just yelled up for you to bring down a blanket.
Oh, I couldn't understand you, but whatever you wanted, I was just hoping it would blow over.
Well, it hasn't.
We are seeing a movie in the park, and I would prefer a layer of protection between me and whatever the police horse just left.
Oh, it's not bad enough going out with Spence and his new girlfriend, we gotta go see a movie in a park? Doug, I think it's great that he finally has a date.
Come on.
You have to be supportive.
He is your friend.
Yeah, but he's, he's not a double-date friend.
He's, he's the 3rd wheel.
He's the one who watches the coats when the rest of us are out dancing.
Well, tonight he has a date, and we have to leave in 5 minutes.
So you, uh, still on this blanket kick or-- yes! Go! Dad, your dinner's ready! Great.
I worked up quite an appetite at my "movement to music" class.
Bring on the vittles.
Here you go.
A meal in a tray.
Thank you, stewardess.
When do we land? I'm sorry, dad.
I didn't have time to make you a whole thing.
Probably for the best, based on last night's pink-chicken scare.
What are you doing? What? You wanted a blanket.
That is the comforter from our bed.
Why do you always give me jobs where you know I'm gonna fail? So what movie we seein', anyway? Casablanca.
Oh, a black and white movie? It's a great movie.
Dad, back me up here.
Casablanca? Never saw it.
You must have.
Humphrey bogart owns a cafe.
Ingrid bergman walks back into-- don't ruin it for me! I'm sorry I was in no condition to receive you when you called on me last night.
It doesn't matter.
What is the matter with you? I gotta keep shifting.
My ass is so asleep, it's dreaming.
Isn't this cool? You got bogart, great outdoors, and this pretty lady.
Isn't he cute? He is.
Yeah, he's like a little bobble-head doll of himself.
Hey, anybody hungry? I made some stuff.
Uh mango spring rolls.
And cider-basted spare ribs there you go.
Wow, Becky, you made all this for the movie? Oh, it was no trouble.
You put me to shame.
All I have is a cloret and some old birth-control pills.
Oh, don't worry.
I go to the culinary institute, so this is a project for one of my classes.
Well, feel free to tell the teacher the Doug ate your homework.
Oh, what is this? Oh, it's a shrimp- and-chive quesadilla, with salsa-and- chili sour cream.
Really? You like it? Like it? I got a chunk in my teeth, I'm saving for the ride home.
Really? You're so nice.
Why are you picking out the chives? Because they aggravate my patamkin-Reese syndrome.
Mmm! What? What? What? What? What are these crispy nuggets, and why aren't they in every vending machine across the country? Here.
Try them with the dipping sauces.
What have you got? I got honey-mustard and, don't laugh, chocolate.
Don't you laugh when I dip one nugget in both.
Oh, you got Casablanca! It's marvelous.
Bogart chooses the greater good over his own desires.
Quite an uplifting message.
I know.
It's a classic.
Personally, I would have turned the other guy in, taken Ingrid bergman back to the hotel, and rounded up her "usual suspects," if you know what I mean.
I do, which is why I just brought up a little muffin.
Actually, while I was at the video store, another box caught my eye.
Some kind of a holiday picture.
It's a wonderful life? Who knows? Maybe I discovered a hidden gem.
Keep me posted.
Hey, honey.
You want to order some takeout? Nah, I'm not really hungry.
Where do you want to order from? Nah, I'm not hungry.
I was over at Spence's, and Becky made me these incredible grilled scallops with bacon.
Bacon! Why didn't you tell me you were having dinner over there? I've been waiting.
I wasn't planning on it.
I stopped by, and she asked me my opinion on a few of her recipes.
I actually brought a couple scallops for you, but there's a very long light at northern boulevard, and they went away.
Well, you took 'em as far as you could, hon'.
Get this.
She asked me if I'd do this for her, like, twice a week.
What do you mean? Like, go over there and eat? Yeah.
Well, why can't Spence just help her? 'Cause he's allergic to everything.
The guy's, like, one sesame seed away from living in a plastic bubble.
Ok, well, if that's what you wanna do.
What? Wh-what's the matter? I just don't think with your 4-digit cholesterol that eating professionally is the best move for you right now.
Come on, car'.
I'm serious.
So am I.
Look, I've eaten a lot of food in my day, cooked by a lot of different people, and I gotta tell you, this kid's got it.
Carrie, let me be part of this.
Like superman, I was put here for a reason.
What are you cooking, Becky? You got monterey Jack cheese melting inside the burger? It's an inside-out cheeseburger, is that what you're tellin' me? Oh, God, does that sound good.
Ok, let me just throw this at you, ok? Now, what if instead of fries, you went with sweet potato wedges? Oh, stop.
Hey! Einstein was a genius.
Oh, hey, hon'.
Ok, so I'll see you Thursday.
All right, bye.
Surprised you didn't try to suck the food through the phone line.
Ok, look, before you start copping attitude, I'm going to the gym again, so with all the extra food, it's a push.
This area right here will remain unchanged.
That's my pledge to you.
It's not just that, Doug.
It's this whole thing with Becky.
Thing? There isn't a thing.
Oh, I think there's a thing.
You're saying, that I'm attracted to her? I don't know what it is, Doug.
All I know is you just spent a half hour on the phone with her.
"You hang up.
" "No, you hang up.
" Look, I am not interested in Becky at all.
We have one thing in common.
That's it.
You're being ridiculous.
I don't think I am.
Oh, so according to you, it is somehow wrong for me to go to my friend's house where his girlfriend cooks me stuff.
Where does it end, Carrie? Hey, you know what? The 70-year-old dispatcher lady at I.
Made me brownies.
Should I just march into her cage and go, "you know what, chantelle? It is over!" The point is I don't have little relationships with other men where I'm talkin' to them on the phone, hangin' out because we have stuff in common, because I know it would bother you.
Well, you know what? It absolutely wouldn't.
No? No? Because there's a partner at my work who keeps asking me to go jogging with him in the morning.
He's one of the younger partners, you know, on his way up, so I guess it would be fine with you if I did that? Yeah.
Oh, good.
I'm glad we had this conversation, because this opens up a whole new world for me.
You know, they say you actually burn more calories speed-walking than running.
Really? Spence? Oh, hey, Carrie.
Oh, I gotta stop.
He owes me money.
I'll circle around.
Oh, ok! Here we go, Alan.
Come on.
Here we go.
Who was that? He's one of the partners from my law firm.
Listen, if Doug asks, he's got a rock-hard ass, ok? Ooh, what's going on? What's going on is I'm jogging with this putz every morning because Doug is spending all this time with your girlfriend.
Yeah, what is up with them? I don't know.
You tell me.
Well, they're so annoying.
You know, "ooh, Doug, taste this.
"Doug, dip that.
Spence, go get Doug a shrimp fork.
" Oh, I know! And how about that "incredible veal dish" she makes, all right? Not getting that.
Thank you! It's like ease the throttle on the garlic, honey.
It's pure showboating.
I know! You--you coming, Carrie? Oh.
Just get me my friggin' money.
Rock-hard ass! No, honey, it's me.
Carrie, these jogs are wiping you out.
You really don't need to keep doin' this to prove a point.
I am not doing this to prove a point.
I love the chill of early morning.
If hanging out with Becky bothers you this much, you know what? It's--it's not worth it.
Really? Yes.
And you know what? In fact, come with me.
Loving husband in action.
Here we go.
This is the kind of guy you married, right here.
It's her machine.
Becky, hi.
Yeah, it's Doug.
Listen, I'm not gonna be able to come over and do the food thing anymore.
Yeah, I'm really busy at work, and I got a lot of things going on, so from now on just send the food over with Spence, and I'll give him my comments, ok? All right, thank you.
See? Now everybody wins, ok? I don't see her anymore, and I still get to eat her food.
Which reminds me, I got some leftover pasta here.
This is great.
Spaghetti and meatballs, sounds boring, doesn't it? Not when it's Mmm.
Ok, you know what? Um, this isn't gonna work for me, either.
What? Yeah.
I don't want you eating her food.
I told you I'm not attracted, I'm not seeing her anymore.
But you're still involved.
With her spaghetti! Even so! I'm eating it! I'm not sleeping with it! It's food! Exactly! It's like you're, uh, having a food affair.
Eatin' is not cheatin'! Well, it still bothers me.
Ok, fine.
You know what? You win, ok? You know what? Well, she found us out, so I'm gonna have to end it.
Yeah, oh, yeah.
I love you, spaghetti, but you're gonna have to go.
Oh, just one more kiss! Oh, daddy loves you.
Oh, yes, he does.
Now, go! Go! Go! Go! Oh, God forgive me.
Oh, it's a wonderful life.
Pretty great, huh? Actually, I think this one's a swing and a miss.
What are you talkin' about? It's one of the greatest movies of all time.
Well, I don't get it.
With George Bailey, the town couldn't be duller.
Without him, there's nightclubs, casinos.
It's fabulous.
I wish he never had been born.
Well, that's a fresh take on it.
By the way, I was talking to Spence.
He was recommending a film about a young girl from Kansas who goes to some magical land.
Have you heard of it, darling? Good lord.
Well, I understand there are midgets in it, and that spells "funny.
" Anyway, I invited Spence and his new ladyfriend over to watch it with us tomorrow night.
What? No.
What's the matter? Oh, I--I had this big thing with Doug and Spence's girlfriend.
It's a long story, but basically, he likes her spaghetti too much.
I see, and, uh, what is "spaghetti" a euphemism for? No, dad, he really just likes her spaghetti.
Uh-huh, and did you catch him "liking her spaghetti"? Dad, it's really the food.
Becky's a great cook, and Doug loves what she makes.
Well, what's wrong with that? I want him to like what I make, you know? It's like remember how mom used to make those huge dinners with the homemade biscuits and gravy.
You'd be so happy.
Oh, sure, but your mother was home all day.
You're a career woman.
Yeah, but even if I wasn't, I mean, I'm not like mom or Becky.
I don't have it in me.
I'm not a nurturer.
Of course you are.
You've been nothing but warm and loving to me.
Oh, that's not true.
I make you sleep in the basement.
I know.
I was just tryin' to throw you a bone.
Hey, man.
What's up? That tupperware looks familiar.
Is that Becky's? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
She made some stuff for me.
Said she wanted my opinion.
You know, I used to do that, but, whatever.
Yeah, she said you couldn't do it anymore.
Yeah, Carrie got all psycho about it.
Oh, one man's psycho wife is another man's Turkey meatloaf.
And, oh Sweet potato wedges.
Huh, you know, she, uh, she got that idea from me, but, hey, a billion years ago.
Mmm! Mmm.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
You know, you just-- you just can't eat it.
You gotta think about it, you know? You're supposed to give her a professional opinion.
Yeah, well, my professional opinion is "damn!" Ok, you know what? This isn't right.
What? This food is supposed to be mine.
It's meant for me.
You see this label? After the "d" it should say "oug" not "eacon.
" You're crazy, man.
No, no, no.
You know what? I'm not gone from Becky's table for 2 minutes, and you're already sittin' down, stickin' your fork in my food.
You gettin' busy with this chick, or somethin'? No.
My God, Carrie's right.
I'm having a food affair.
Excuse me.
Hey, honey, I--I gotta talk to you.
Hey, stir this.
What? What's going on? Oh, my dad invited Spence and Becky over to watch the wizard of oz, and I am making dinner.
I'm cooking all the things you love in the world.
Oh, crap! Biscuits.
You don't have to do all this.
Yes, Doug, you were not getting what you need from me.
I need to nurture you.
No, no.
I was totally wrong, ok? I got crazy over Becky's food.
It was stupid.
It's over now.
No, no, no.
Listen to me.
You are a big guy.
You love food, and I took you for granted.
I just assumed whatever slop I put in front of you you'd be fine with.
I was fine with it.
Look at me.
I could eat the table and be happy.
The point is I didn't put anything into it, you know? I didn't put any love into it like Becky does.
Ok, Carrie, look.
You gotta believe me.
Ok, it doesn't matter what Becky makes her food with, love, little chunks of ham I don't need it.
Really? Yeah, absolutely.
I mean, I love you, and whatever you make for me, that's all I need.
Thank you, honey.
Oh, that's them! Ok, all right.
We're here.
Hi! What's going on? Thanks for having us.
Oh, no problem.
I threw together a little salad.
Thank you.
That was so sweet.
I'm glad to help if you need me.
Oh, I'm sure you are, but this salad is--is quite enough, especially after I specifically told you not to bring anything.
Well, I thought I should bring something.
Yeah, sure you did, but, um, I did tell you not to bring anything.
I guess next time we'll just have to put it in writing.
Honey, I'm gonna bring the crackers in the other room.
Ok, sweetie.
All right, you listen to me, cookie.
I'm onto your game, ok? And it ain't gonna work.
Well, you know Ok, we've got fried chicken, biscuits and gravy, salad.
Dig in.
Everything looks great, honey.
Thank you.
Hear, hear.
Bravo, Carrie.
Becky, breast or thigh? Um, whatever you say.
Oh, wow, Carrie, you've outdone yourself with the salad-- the pine nuts, the cheese.
Douglas, why aren't you having salad? Uh, uh, I'm not really in the mood for salad.
Have some.
It's delicious.
No, thank you.
Your wife has made you salad with love.
Eat it, you ungrateful bastard! Actually, dad, Becky made the salad.
Oh, I see.
Well, then, have a biscuit.
Some of them came out pretty well.
Here, honey, I'll get that.
No way.
You made a delicious, nurturing meal.
I'm cleaning up, ok? Yeah? Absolutely.
I'm full here, but more importantly, I'm full here.
I can't believe he's never seen the wizard of oz.
So how you liking it so far, dad? Is anyone else but me terrified? Who wants some more coffee? Uh, sure.
Ok, I'll go make another pot.
I can explain.
Salad? I was just, I wasn't I--I could understand if it was a piece of fudge, maybe a calzone, but a salad? You would do this to me over a salad? I'm very weak.
Ok, here's how it's gonna go down.
You're gonna clean the blue cheese from underneath your stubby little fingernails, then you're gonna rinse out that bowl.
If I see another piece of that woman's tupperware in my kitchen again, I'll kill you both.
What are you gonna whip one of your biscuits at my head? Oh, God.
Darling, come here.
I've stumbled on a marvelous television program.
Oh, yeah? Yes, it's a period piece about a simpler time.
Let me bring you up to speed.
The one in the leather jacket is called "fonzie.