The King of Queens s04e23 Episode Script

Eddie Money

Ok, that's a new one.
Uh, what's happening on the table, old-man-wise? His back is killing him.
Lying on a hard surface seems to help.
I'll tell you the thing that scares me: I can't see the pepper shaker.
What are you doing? Just grabbing 100 bucks.
What do you need Well, for your information, I was going to buy you a gift.
Really? What? A Ruby.
If you're going to lie to me, you might want to take 5 minutes and get a game plan.
There's a pool at work on the fight tonight.
Deacon and I are going to buy a box together.
You're going to gamble with the money.
Hey! Life's a gamble, huh? I believe you took a gamble on me, and things turned out pretty well.
High jackpot! Ok, you want to chug a beer before I slap a no on you? Hey, I earn more than half the money in this house.
I think I should have some say in how it's spent! Aah! God! You can't throw 100 bucks away on a fight! We need a lot of things around here.
My dad needs a new bed, the--the roof is totally leaking in the attic, so the money, honey, goes back in the can.
This should keep you busy.
There's no mineral water in my mini fridge.
And this morning, my bagel was as hard as a rock.
Your thoughts? Um, I'm sorry? Well, sorry, doesn't soften my bagel, does it? No, it does not.
I'll tell you what, tomorrow, bagel softness will be my top priority.
Good, Carrie, because you're better than this.
pruzan's office.
Um, yes, actually he is.
I'll tell him.
Uh, Mr.
kaplan, uh, that was Margie.
She wanted me to tell you that she couldn't get you and the clients in for dinner at Bella luna, so she booked you in the restaurant downstairs for 4 at 7:30.
Oh, beaver dam! Bella luna's the only place you can hear yourself talk.
You know what? Let me try something.
That place downstairs, the waiters are always singing Happy Birthday to some idiot.
Bella luna? Yes, hi.
I'm calling for Mr.
Yeah, he needs to change his reservation from 7 to 7:30.
What do you mean, you don't have it? Well.
Well, is there any way you can say it was the restaurant's fault? I'd hate to lose my job.
I just-- I just, um, relocated here with my 2 kids.
Brandon is 6 and Ty is 2.
And I promised them new shoes.
Really? Ok.
Tha-thank you so much.
You're all set.
Well, that was some pretty impressive lying.
Mmm, well, you work for lawyers long enough.
It's charming! You know, actually, Margie's leaving the firm.
She's going into the party balloon game.
How'd you like to come to work for me? Oh, my God, Mr.
kaplan, I would-- I would love to work for you, but I--I kind of work for Mr.
Well, you could work for the head of the firm, or the guy who's 47 people below me.
Your call.
Here comes soscio, looking strong.
This is it, man.
This is our round! Soscio knocks him out here, we win 5 grand! And soscio tanks him with a right hook! Come on, baby! Make us rich! Would you shut up? Carrie doesn't know I took the money to make the bet! Then why didn't we watch it at my place? Because I have real food here.
All you ever have is fruit.
No way I'm watching boxing while eating a nectarine.
Soscio delivers a strong right hook to the jaw! Mercer is down! Hey, guys.
Hey, hon.
I'm going to go catch a spinning class.
All right.
He's not getting up! Looks like this one is over! All right.
Love you.
Yeah, love you, too well! Maybe I shouldn't go to a spinning class.
Wait for it.
Wait for it! We just won 5 grand! Yeah! Dougie just got 5 g's! I got to stop.
I got a cramp.
How great is this, man? I already know my first purchase, a George foreman grill, but I'm getting it totally customized! With lojack, in case it gets stolen! I'm getting a d.
Player, kiss-ass surround sound, and a horse! Yeah! I'm getting a horse, too! Check that! I want a zebra! And a lion to hunt it down and eat it! Whoo! Wait a second.
I just realized something.
What? I can't get anything with the money! Carrie will know I--I took it.
She'll kill me! She's not going to get mad when you tell her you won $2,500.
Oh, she'll get mad, and bonus.
I can kiss that money good-bye.
She'll be fixing the roof, getting Arthur a new bed She's selfish like that.
Oh, God.
I can't get anything either.
Why not? I'm in the middle of a divorce.
I buy anything new, and Kelly will show up at my place with a u-haul.
Damn it! Damn it! All right.
We just won $5,000.
There's got to be an upside to this.
Ooh, you know what I'm going to do? My mom's birthday's coming up, and she's always wanted to go on a cruise.
I think I'm going to get that for her.
Or--or--or And hear me out on this, what if we take the money and just turn tomorrow into the best day ever? We do whatever we want to do, we eat whatever we want to eat, we go wherever we want to go, we eat whatever we want to eat.
I got that one.
The point is, we just blow the money in one day, with nothing to show for it except the smiles on our faces.
That's pretty tempting, but I think I should get my mom that cruise.
Come on, man! It's a nice thing to do.
Yeah, it's nice.
You're nice.
You're too nice.
That's the problem! Come on, man! We're blue-collar guys.
We go to work, we--we pay our bills, we're always doing the right thing.
When's it our time, Deacon, huh? Come on, man.
Take a leap! Let tomorrow be the day we drink a tall glass of freedom.
Well, can it be Wednesday? 'Cause I've got an eye doctor appointment tomorrow.
I can roll with that.
Money in the house.
Look at it, man.
It's beautiful.
You wanna sew it all together, make underwear out of it? We're gonna need like $10,000 for that.
All right.
It's 8:00 a.
now, Carrie gets home at 7:00 P.
That gives us 14 hours.
No, that gives us 11 hours.
Good catch, guy, good catch.
Wanna start with a little breakfast? Bet these lobsters thought they were going to live at least until lunch, huh? Oh, man! This steak is great! Buy another one! In fact, get a whole bunch! We'll see if we can rebuild the cow! Hey, hey! After this, you want to rent a news chopper and do phony traffic reports? Or we could hire people to just tickle us! Hey, could you back us up on the shrimp cocktail? You got it.
Thanks, and, uh, here.
Go buy yourself something pretty.
Got a question for you.
How much would it cost to, uh, to have will Smith and tyne daly make out in front of us? Um, not sure.
How about Eddie money? He'd play in my living room? Don't know.
Oh, but you could ask him.
He's here all the time.
How about pesci? What will he charge to smack us around? Oh, I think he'd smack you around for free.
Oh! Beautiful! That's worth another Jackson.
Here you go! I've got 2 tickets to paradise won't you pack your bags, we'll leave tonight I've got 2 tickets to paradise I've got 2 tickets to paradise How great is this! Oh, this is off the hook! How much we got left? Uh, $4,400.
We've only spent 600 bucks? The day's half over.
We got to get moving! I know! Time to kick it up a notch.
All right.
Hey, what's up, ladies? You like the wheels? I had this baby custom-made.
Easy, player.
It says "for rent" on the license plate.
Pack your bags, we'll leave tonight I've got 2 tickets to paradise Hey, Carrie.
Hi, Mr.
By the way, you reserved me on court 2.
I wanted court 3 with the glass wall.
I have pretty nice calves, and I don't mind showing them off.
I quit.
Come again? Yeah, another opportunity-- wait.
Is this about that bagel business yesterday? Well, it's just-- I'm very sorry about that.
No matter how hard that bagel was, and it was shockingly hard, it doesn't excuse my behavior.
No, it's just that Mr.
kaplan offered me a job.
Well! I hope you enjoyed climbing up my back to the top.
You know what? Don't get upset.
Upset! No! I'm totally ok with this.
Believe it or not, my life doesn't revolve around Carrie heffernan.
Tell me what I did.
It's just, you know, this is a good opportunity for me.
That's all.
I see.
So will you get me my hot dog today? Or is that one of the reasons you despise me? Oh, crap! That's Carrie! She saw me! She didn't see you.
I am so dead! I--I got to come clean before Carrie nails me on this! If--if you don't mind, I'd like to blame most of this on you.
You are not dropping out.
You talked me into this.
Now I don't have enough money to get my mom a cruise, so suck it up! What if she saw me? You know what? You are just one sorry piece of woman.
If you're so worried, just--just give Carrie a call.
Feel her out.
You know what? I'll--I'll do that.
pruzan's office.
Hey, car.
It's me, just-- just at work.
Hang on a second.
Hey, Chuck! Lift with your legs, man! Look, I'm really busy right now, ok? I'll talk to you when I get home, Doug.
Oh, my God! What happened? I couldn't get a read.
She hung up too fast.
But she sounded kind of mad.
She always sounds kind of mad.
Hey, Arthur.
What's--what's going on? Let's see, you're home on a work day, there's a red Ferrari in the driveway, and there's a pile of cash on the table.
I don't know what's going on, but I want in! Why do I always get the fat ones? Oh, great.
Another old guy.
Oh! I got me a cocoa dream boat! Ooh! Oh, this sure beats the bejesus out of lying on the dining room table.
Oh, be careful of the cyst there.
She could blow.
Arthur, is there any way that you could not talk? Well, excuse me for enjoying a nice rubdown.
Ohhh! Ohhh! You certainly know how to work a buttocks.
Oh! Could you do something about the old man? Carrie saw me.
I know she did.
If you have a problem with me, Palmer, say it to my face! I got a problem with you.
Any time you want to dance, big man, I'm ready! She called me Doug.
Why are you still on this? People don't use people's names, unless they're mad.
I know I'm Doug.
She knows I'm Doug.
Why say Doug? I want a steak.
Shut it, uppie! She doesn't know.
If you want to keep it that way, you better think a little more about keeping me happy.
Oh, this is marvelous! Nothing like steak and a hot cup of coffee.
I know we need to get rid of a lot of money, but I got meat hitting other meat right about here.
I'll just leave this here.
Whenever you're ready.
Thank you.
$310? That's it? We just cannot get rid of this money! Arthur, you want anything else? A round of king crab claws? A Brandy? No, thanks, but on the way home, I'd love to stop by for a small cone at dairy queen.
That's 85 cents.
That's the big one.
I don't want the big one.
Would you stop talking? Ok? We've got to spend this money, get this day over with.
What do you want to do? I Hey, look who just walked in.
Turned up the music just as loud as it could go Blew out the speakers in her daddy's radio She was shakin' whoa snappin' her fingers whoa movin' up and down, around, around She was shakin' who is this man? It's Eddie money.
I once knew a Lou money.
That's great.
I'm going to have to wrap this up.
Carrie's getting home in less than an hour.
That was-- that was great, guys.
She was shakin' all righty.
Snappin' her fingers well, hello, Carrie.
Oh! Hi, Mr.
Um, I just want to say I'm excited about coming to work for you.
Oh, about that.
Marjorie's balloon business didn't pan out.
It turns out she's allergic to helium, so until they discover another gas that's lighter than air, she'll be staying put.
Sorry, kiddo.
Isn't this your floor? Sure is.
Um, Mr.
I heard.
Save a little room in your heart for me hey, where are you going? I'm leaving.
The man refused to play any of my requests.
He didn't know them! Please! Everyone knows little brown jug! Oh, no.
He's going for the sax again.
His last solo was, like, 10 minutes.
Hey, Eddie.
Ed--ed, Mr.
Hey, Eddie! Eddie! Eddie! Yo.
Sorry, man.
Look, you guys, y-you guys sound great.
You, too, Tommy.
You're wonderful.
The thing is, my wife is coming home and Long story short, I just-- I need you guys to go.
So here's your money.
Hey! Money for money, huh? I don't follow.
Ok, well, here you go anyway.
There you go.
Thanks for coming.
You guys drive safe now, ok? Yeah! Shakin' yeah! Snapping' her fingers thank God it's over! Super day.
A lot of fun.
Let's just check this place, make sure there's no evidence lying around.
Everything looks cool.
I gave the rest of the cash to Eddie money, and Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I never replaced the $100! What? The money I took in the first place! I--I was going to put it back in there.
Now, but-- I gave it all to him! Lend me 100 bucks! No way! Come on, man! Carrie will kill me! I'm taking the money I have left, and I'm buying something for my mom.
What's the point now? She wanted a cruise.
Anything less will be a total letdown.
You know what? I'd flush this cash down the toilet before I gave it to you.
You know, I, uh, I could just take it from you.
That is certainly something I'd like to see.
What's the delay? Didn't think so.
Ahhh! Arthur! Arthur! Do you have any cash? No.
Oh, God, I need 100 bucks! Well, I've got something worth nearly that, a pair of ice skates actually worn by Mr.
dick button.
Oh, damn key! God! Oh, God! Hey! Hey, Doug.
So get this.
I leave pruzan to go to work for Mr.
kaplan, but then it turns out Mr.
kaplan doesn't need me, so then I have to go back to pruzan.
It was unbelievable.
So how was your day? Oh, same old, same old, you know? Ding-dong, here's your box.
You know, I saw a guy in a Ferrari today.
Looked a lot like you.
Yeah, well, I thought I saw you, too, but it was a skinny, Chinese guy.
What a world, huh? Oh! Splinter! Department of motor vehicles? What?