The King of Queens s05e01 Episode Script

Arthur, Spooner

My eyes are gettin' weary My back is gettin' tight I'm sittin' here in traffic On the Queensboro Bridge tonight But I don't care, 'cause all I want to do Is cash my check and drive right home to you 'Cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you Are you guys thirsty? Yes, you are.
Would you like some nice cold water? Yes, you would.
Yes, you would.
Has the pecking order of the pack changed? I usually get my water first.
Oh, I-I'm sorry.
Hey, Hol.
Hey, Arthur.
How was your walk? Well, the first half hour was pretty smooth, and then came the squirrel.
Hoo boy! Here you go.
Um, Doug, do you have a second to talk about something? I guess that chicken carcass ain't going anywhere.
What's up? Um, well, it's my car.
The transmission's shot, and now it only goes in reverse, which is sort of terrifying when you're driving it, and, um, I was wondering if I can get an advance on my money for walking Arthur.
Uh, how much? Like say $700 worth? $700? I gotta be honest, Hol.
I don't think he's got $700 worth of walks left in him.
Oh, I think he does, and well, if it turns out he doesn't, then we can certainly talk about some sort of refund.
You comfortable putting that in writing? Why don't you put this in writing? Doug, you home? Yeah, I'm in here.
Well, think about it.
I mean, let me know as soon as you can, 'cause if I get pulled over again, I'm gonna have to sleep with the cop.
Bye, Carrie.
Oh, bye, Holly.
Honey, I have some very exciting news.
You bought me my monkey.
OK, hon, you really gotta let go of that dream.
What's up? All right, well, my firm has this giant civil case, and Mr.
Kaplan put me in charge of getting all the documents and depositions organized and ready for court.
Well, it's exciting, but it's not monkey exciting.
No, but it's big for me 'cause I'm gonna be the boss.
I'm gonna be supervising a whole staff of people.
I'm happy.
That's great, sweetie.
Thank you.
Except there is one little not so great thing about it.
Uh, Mr.
Kaplan doesn't want to disrupt the office.
So we're gonna kinda be workin' late.
What do you mean? Oh, from, uh in the morning.
What? Carrie, that's all night.
Look, I know, honey, but it's only for a couple of weeks.
But, Carrie, by the time I get home, you'll already be gone.
I'll never see you.
I know.
It's going to be tough on the both of us, but I really want to do this, so can't you find a way to get through it? Can I get a blow-up doll? Sure, you can.
Hey, you can, uh put her in my clothes, make her look just like me, huh? Yeah, that's where I was headed.
Hello, everyone.
Let's gather around and introduce ourselves.
I am Carrie Heffernan, and I will be the project supervisor.
Just want you guys to know that my door's always open.
Of course, that's what happens when you don't have a door.
Good stuff.
OK, um why don't we talk a little bit about ourselves and what we hope to accomplish with this project.
Um, George Barksdale? Present.
And what brings you to us? Well, the firm is trying to force me to retire, so they stuck me here to break my will but it ain't gonna work.
I hear that.
OK, Priscilla Stasna.
That's you, I hope.
Yes? And what do you hope to achieve with this work experience? Well, I'm in a pretty abusive relationship right now, and I just want to be somewhere safe at night.
Mmm, OK.
Uh, Neal Morrensy.
Yes? Anything you'd like to say? I was told I would be in charge.
Maddux rocks and deals-- Oh! And Piazza got ahold of that one, and if it stays fair, this could be the ball game and it's out of here! Yeah! Yes! Final score: Mets 9, Braves 8.
Ho, ho, it does not get better than this.
No, it do not.
Good night, New York Mets.
Good night, George Foreman grill.
Good night, not brushing my teeth.
You fall asleep now, you still got a nice 5 hours.
That's plenty.
Just fall asleep now.
I couldn't be wider awake.
I don't know.
Maybe I should try that counting sheep thing.
Yeah, that's what I'll do, OK.
I got a nice meadow, got my fence up.
Let the sheep start jumping.
One sheep.
2 sheep.
Sheep are cute.
Mary had a little lamb The paper chute keeps jamming.
Oh, well, George, that's because you might be trying to put in a wee too many papers in here all at once, and you kinda got 'em going in all different directions.
And is this the part where I'm supposed to say, "I quit"? Well, you go back and tell them mucky-mucks that George Barksdale didn't take the bait.
No, no, George.
You're doing a great job.
I just think you might be more helpful taking over sorting out the files for Priscilla, and, Priscilla, I'm gonna take you off the files and put you on the copier.
What? Why? I'm working as fast as I can.
No, no, Priscilla.
It has nothing to do with you, OK? It's George.
What about me? Nothing, George.
Once again, great job.
Great job.
I couldn't take over George's job.
He's become like a father to me.
OK, OK, how about this? Uh, Priscilla, you take over for Neal.
George will do the files, and, Neal, I'm gonna have you make the copies.
Make the copies? All right.
That degree in marketing's really paying off.
Neal, I just need you to do this for-- Look, I've made my peace with the fact that I'm not in charge, but for God sakes, don't make me crawl through the mud.
I'm not trying to make you crawl through the mud.
I am just trying to figure out the best way to get this job done.
Oh, so now you're yelling at me? Relax! Relax! Thank you.
OK, all right, how about this? Everybody just keep doing what you were doing.
Thank you.
Well, that's 5 minutes of my life I won't get back.
You heading out to work? Yeah.
I really gotta get going.
No, you don't 'cause you missy are taking a sick day or, actually, in your case, more of a sick night.
See what I did there? I got the whole evening planned.
We're gonna cuddle up in bed.
We're gonna watch TV until we just drift off to sleep.
I didn't know where your meal clock was right now.
So I made you oatmeal and a salad.
Honey, that is so sweet and a little nauseating, but I really gotta go.
Come on.
It's one night.
Look, I gotta be there.
Carrie, you're the boss.
That's the whole point of being the boss-- so you can screw off.
If I was the boss, I'd never go to work.
Not one time.
Not ever.
Well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Look, come on! Honey, look, you don't understand.
The people working for me are useless.
You know that guy who hangs out in front of Arby's with the foil helmet? I would kill for him right now.
But I need you.
I can't sleep without you.
Got like 2 hours in the last 5 nights.
You're gonna be fine.
Come here.
Oh, no.
You ain't getting any of this.
Candy shop closed.
All right.
Do I smell oatmeal and salad? Man, that really takes me back.
Pass the brown sugar, would ya? And also the Russian dressing.
Any chance I can get you to take this action down to your own room? Well, I certainly would if my own room had been equipped with basic cable such as you'd find in even the cheapest motel.
You know what? You can stay till the end of the movie.
Thank you.
Blueberries and croutons, please.
Here and here.
You know, funny story about Mr.
Clark Gable.
Man had ears like Dumbo.
They pinned them back with flesh-colored clamps.
His entire career, he worked in excruciating pain.
You'll notice in Gone With The Wind there's a scene with Hattie McDaniel where he did nothing but wince.
Holly, thank you so much for helping me out here.
Oh, no, this job saved my life.
I was literally about to sleep with the mechanic to get my car fixed.
Everyone, hi.
I have an announcement to make.
This is Holly Shumpert.
And she's going to be joining the team for the remainder of the project.
There's a real vote of confidence.
Thank you.
What is she, some kind of efficiency expert? No, no, no.
I'm just a friend of Carrie's.
Oh, so now we're hiring our friends.
No, no, no.
She just works for me at home.
She's not a friend, not a friend at all.
My mistake.
Look, look, everyone, you're all doing a great job.
OK? You really are, but we're a little behind.
We lost a lot of data when that root beer was spilled on the computer.
I knew I was gonna hear about that again.
So I just thought bringing in a little extra help, we would pull together as a team and just get this job done.
So, what do you want me to do? I'm gonna have to get back to you on that.
It's a beautiful morning Hey, boy.
What up, dog? Hey, you want some breakfast? In a surprising twist, I actually made more than I can eat.
Here ya go.
You're in a good mood.
Yeah, I finally got some sleep.
Oh, what? Carrie's back? Nope.
Douglas, I seem to have lost a sock up in the bedroom.
I assume it's twisted up somewhere in the sheets.
You know what? I'll, uh--I'll keep an eye out for it.
Hello, Deacon.
Talk to me, Goose.
You know, we're upstairs last night watching TV, and the next thing I know, it's morning, and I slept great.
Turns out I don't need Carrie.
I just need any warm body laying next to me.
All right, well mazel tov to the new couple.
Hey, Arthur, can I get you some breakfast? Why, thank you, Douglas.
Oh, uh, by the way, I saw that there's another old movie on TV tonight.
So I was thinking maybe you could shoot upstairs and give me some of that running commentary you know I love so much.
Actually, I feel like getting out tonight.
There's a mixer at the Senior Center.
Oh, all right, well, when ya get back pop up.
No can do.
I'll be home pretty late.
Um hey, instead of going to the Senior Center, how about this? How about this? I take you to that seafood place you love so much.
You get a couple Rob Roys, throw them back, and then have a nice, beautiful dinner on me, and then it's back here for movie time.
Well, that sounds marvelous.
Yes, it does! All right.
We gotta go, bud.
Come on.
So, uh, dressed and ready by 7:00? Aye, aye, Captain.
All right! Later, Arthur.
Not bad, huh? Oh, yeah.
You still got it, Player.
Getting to know you Getting to know all about you Getting to like you Getting to hope you like me Getting to know you Putting it my way, but nicely You are precisely my cup of tea Getting to know you Getting to feel free and easy When I am with you Getting to know what to say Haven't you noticed Suddenly I'm bright and breezy? Because of all the beautiful and new Things I'm learning about you Day By Day Hey, you.
Hey, Arthur! I'm home.
In here.
Hey, go grab your knickers and your cap.
You and I are gonna play some mini golf.
Then it's upstairs for more boob tube.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I can't.
I have a prior engagement.
Who's that? It's Mickey.
Uh we're seeing a movie.
Let's go.
I'm double-parked.
Oh, well, I guess I just assumed we'd be doing something tonight.
Kinda wish you would have checked with me before you made other plans.
Well, I'm sorry about the mix-up.
Well, he's sorry.
I guess that makes it all OK.
Did I walk into something weird? What are you saying, Douglas? I'm not allowed to have a night out with my friends.
You know what? You're right.
You can do whatever you want.
As long as I'll be seeing you later upstairs.
I don't think I like your tone.
All I'm saying is I think I've been treating you pretty well, and so I want you upstairs.
Wait a minute.
Is this what all this is about? The fancy dinners, the rides in the country was that all just to get me to sleep with you? Oh, boy.
Oh, don't act surprised.
You knew what you were getting into.
What?! You ordered a $50 lobster.
What, you didn't think I was going to come knocking? That's the way it works, sweetheart.
I see.
And here I was thinking we had something special.
Silly me.
Let's go, Mickey.
No, no, no, no.
I'm Carrie.
I'm the project supervisor.
You're doing it all wrong.
No, the subpoenas are supposed to go over here, and then you broke the copy machine.
You're bad, and I'm good.
Blah blah blah blah You have her nailed.
She does that angry walk when she's mad.
She's like-- ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh Hey, Car.
What you doing? You mocking me? No, no, no.
I was just-- I was trying to lighten the mood up.
Well, just, you know, it's been it's been a little tense here lately, so Oh, so, I guess imitations, they lighten the mood? Sometimes! Yeah? Oh, OK! 'Cause I got some imitations of my own.
"I--I thought I was supposed to be in charge.
"Why--Why is he sharpening pencils? That's supposed to be my job.
" "Oh, you don't want to be my friend? Wah wah wah wah!" Those didn't sound anything like us.
Oh, no? Oh, OK.
Well, here's one I know I can do.
OK, this is me firing all of you, and it goes a little something like this.
You're all fired.
What? Yeah.
That's right.
On out.
We'll mail your coats to ya.
Yeah, oh, I think you had enough.
Oh, believe it, buddy boy.
Yeah, I can do it.
Watch it happen.
Get to going.
Yeah, there ya go.
OK, you know what? You're gone, too.
Yeah, hit it.
No hablo inglés.
Yeah, you habla now, honey, right? I'm yelling at you.
Hey, bud.
What do you want? Whoa, hey, look I just wanted to apologize for the way I acted before.
Nothing to apologize for.
I understand you have physical needs, and I was a fool to think it was anything more than that.
OK, yes, look, it started as a physical thing, but then I don't know, after a while, it became much more.
We really had some good times together.
How about our day on the Boardwalk, playing Skee-Ball and getting stuck on top of the Ferris wheel.
You told me that story about how you were there the day they demolished Ebbets Field.
I mean, it was great.
Yeah, it was quite a sight, seeing that old ballpark go down.
I bet it was.
Well, thank you, Douglas.
I appreciate what you said.
Good night-- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where ya going? Downstairs.
Well, come on up.
One more time.
For old time's sake.
Oh, I don't think so.
Come on.
I can't.
It's really very late.
No, it's not late at all.
It's fine.
Well, I certainly cannot spend the night.
Yeah, we'll see.
What the Help me.
Thank you so much for helping me out here.
I gotta tell you, you are a lifesaver.
Well, the paper chute keeps jamming.