The King of Queens s05e03 Episode Script

Holy Mackerel

Guess what song I'm playing.
I have no idea.
You're not even gonna try? No.
OK.
So when our kid comes home and says, "Mom, this reading thing's too hard.
I don't want to try," you're gonna be OK with that.
You're playing your belly.
Just guess.
Dancing Queen? OK.
Try again, but this time pull your head out of your ass.
I don't know.
Just tell me.
It's clearly I Love Rock N' Roll.
I love rock n' roll! So put another dime in the jukebox, baby Oh, yeah.
I hear it now.
I love rock n' roll Yeah.
Right? Yeah.
Now I'm gonna slow things down with a song I know the ladies love: Devil Went Down to Georgia.
My eyes are gettin' weary My back is gettin' tight I'm sittin' here in traffic On the Queensboro Bridge tonight But I don't care, 'cause all I want to do Is cash my check and drive right home to you 'Cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you All right.
So after this, we got to go to the post office and then the drugstore.
I have to pick up my father's prescription.
I haven't picked it up for 2 weeks, and I caught him blinking uncontrollably.
What's wrong? I'm just really depressed that we're having fish for dinner.
We talked about this.
You need to start eating healthy at some point.
It's either now, or later through a tube.
Tube later, steakums now.
My boss said he was gonna page me this weekend and tell me whether or not I got my raise.
Great.
"Monday's bagel should be poppy.
" I hate it here.
Can we go? No.
We have to get dinner.
Look, there's a special on mahimahi.
You'd like it.
It tastes just like steak.
You know what? I'll get excited when there's a fish that tastes like Doritos.
Isn't that Father McAndrew? Oh, man, it is.
Oh, great.
We never go to church.
Now we're seeing him here in a fish market.
How embarrassing is that? Why? It's not like it's a nudie fish market.
Doug, Carrie! Oh, hi! Look who it is! How have you both been doing? Great.
We're doing really great.
Hey, nice sweat suit.
What are ya, wrasslin' with the devil? Is the devil funny to you, Doug? No, no.
I didn't-- I didn't-- Just teasing.
Ha ha ha! Oh, good one! I was known as the class clown back at our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow.
Well, you still got it.
Yeah.
Good to see you.
Good to see you, too.
Of course, I'd also love to see you both in church sometime.
Absolutely.
Yes, we should do that without a doubt.
At some point.
Yeah.
Yeah.
How about this Sunday? That'd be great.
No, no, no, no! Come on.
Don't snooze it again.
It's church time.
Time to get ho-ly! Ohh.
I can't believe you got us into this.
Just 'cause you couldn't keep your big, fat Twinkie-hole shut.
Let's go, mama.
No.
I don't wanna go.
Take someone else.
Get a hooker and dress her up like me.
I may try that some night when you're out of town, but not on the Lord's Day.
I got to tell you.
I'm kind of glad we ran into Father McAndrew.
I think it's about time we started going to church.
Think about it.
How great will it be? Some day we'll be going to church with our kids by our side.
Little Doug will be there with his freckles and his little tooth missing in the front.
And little Carrie's got her pink dress on-- OK.
You know what? I'm gonna start crying.
I mean it.
Shut up.
Oh, good, you're up.
I'm pretty bored.
I was hoping we could do that thing where the two of you drive me around until I doze off.
We can't, Dad.
We're going to church.
What have you got, bingo? It's Sunday, Arthur.
People go to church on Sunday.
If by people you mean suckers.
You know, that's kind of offensive.
I happen to take my church pretty seriously.
Fair enough.
Say hello to the Easter bunny for me.
Hello, sir.
You're not my Chinese food, but hello.
I'm Walt Urbanski.
I work at Downey Hills Real Estate.
Ooh.
Pish-posh.
Just wanted to give you my card.
If you're ever, uh, interested in putting this house up for sale, you could do very well.
It's a seller's market right now.
Really? Oh, yeah.
I assume you are the owner.
Well, I'm certainly not some old man who lives in the basement.
I tell you you set up an open house, this property would practically sell itself.
Huh.
Well, what do I need you for? All right.
Where do you want to sit? Let's go up front.
I want to make sure Father McAndrew knows we're here.
I don't want to sit up front.
I don't want to get pulled up on stage.
Pulled up on stage? It's not a magic act.
Have you been to church, ever? All right.
Let's just sit over there.
All right.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Meet you by the car in 5 minutes.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
We can't leave in the beginning of mass.
You had no problem leaving in the beginning of Cabaret.
John Stamos was in it.
Arthur, what's going on? I'm having an open house.
Care for some Brie? Doug and Carrie are selling the place? Don't mention Doug and Carrie.
As far as anyone's concerned, I'm the owner here.
Are you telling me you're showing their home without them even knowing it? Trust me.
If I get a good offer, the kids'll be delighted, then they'll get a bigger house, and I'll get to live in a real room instead of that glorified bomb shelter.
No, no, Arthur, I'm sorry.
I can't let you do this.
You're gonna get me in trouble.
Hey, you're not involved.
No, no, I am involved, because I'm supposed to be walking you now, which means that you're my responsibility, and I'm gonna get fired! Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God! All right, all right! Get ahold of yourself! I can't! I'm gonna get in trouble! I have to tell Doug and Carrie! All right.
All right.
What's it gonna take to keep those pretty lips shut? You want money? You don't have any money.
What about Rolos? You like Rolos? I have a whole bunch downstairs! I do love Rolos.
But no, Arthur, no.
That is not-- Hey.
Ahem.
Hi.
Hi.
Can you tell me what year the house was built? Uh Really? I thought this neighborhood wasn't around till the 1930s.
Well, this was originally a trading post for beaver pelts.
What are you talking about? All right, professor.
It's a seller's market.
Hit the bricks! Bye-bye! Come on! Walk, walk, walk, walk! Any other questions? And for the sick and infirm in our parish, especially Catherine Donnelly who had hip surgery this week, we pray to the Lord.
Lord, hear our prayer.
And please take a moment to pray for whatever else you'd like to ask of our Heavenly Father.
I'm done.
Keep going.
I don't have anything else to pray for.
Think of something.
I got my raise! Alleluia Alleluia Alleluia, alleluia Alle-luia I am wiped.
I'm gonna hit it.
Yeah, me, too.
Good night.
Good night.
What's happening here? I'm praying.
I'm sorry, what? I'm saying my prayers.
What, just because of being in church today? Yeah.
I liked what I saw, so I thought I'd give it a whirl.
Wow! I am really impressed.
Thank you.
And a little turned on.
It's a whole new side of you--the good girl side.
All right.
Can I get back to my praying? Absolutely.
You're a good girl.
A good girl Doug.
Sorry.
So what'd you, uh What'd you pray for? I can't tell you.
Then it won't come true.
OK, it's not like blowing out your birthday candles.
All right.
I prayed for Mrs.
Donnelly, you know, the one who broke her hip? Well, that's sweet.
And I prayed for these Gucci shoes I love to go on sale.
What? Yeah, they're black with these silver strappy things, but they're a little out of my price range, so you know.
Uh, you know y-you can't pray for shoes.
Why not? Because you're not supposed to pray for petty things.
Well, at church today I prayed for my raise, and I got that.
That's what you were praying for? OK, you obviously have no idea what you're doing here.
Uh an extra hundred bucks a week says I do.
OK.
How can I explain this to you? Let's pretend I'm God.
Well, gee, I'd love to end world hunger, but I'm too busy looking for cheap shoes for Carrie.
Oh, well! OK, you know, I believe that you can pray for the important things, and you can also pray for the not-so-important things.
God's a pretty bright guy.
He can figure it out.
That's how you think it works? Yeah, that's how I think it works.
You have no idea what you're talking about.
You don't even know how to pray right.
You're kneeling by the bed like a 5-year-old.
I will pray any way I want to.
Fine.
Pray the way you want if you wanna look like a moron.
What is your problem? My problem is you're using God as your own personal genie! I am not! You are, too! You think that if you want a pair of shoes, all you do is pray for them and, poof, there's new shoes.
That's not the way it works, OK? This does not equal this! Idid not do anything wrong.
Once again, let's pretend I'm God-- OK, don't do God again.
You do about the worst God I've ever heard.
You know what? That's it.
You're done.
You're done praying.
It's over.
Excuse me? Yeah, that's right.
I forbid it.
Oh, you forbid it.
OK.
You know what? I just thought of a few more things I want to pray for.
Oh, really? What, is there a lipstick out there that you actually don't have? You know what? Try praying with this in the background.
Oh! Look at that.
Dallas! Oh, yeah! Bring it! Yeah! You know what? Fine.
I will just use my prayers to cancel out your prayers.
Oh, bring it! Oh, I'm bringin' it! You're goin' down! This is it.
This is our house.
I know! I know! I think we'd like to make an offer.
Well, as you know, Mr.
Ling, this is a seller's market, so bring the big number.
I'm in no mood to dance.
I think we're willing to come pretty close to the full asking price.
You know what else you're pretty close to? The door.
See ya! I want this house.
OK.
OK.
Um I think we can give you the asking price, but there's a few things I'd like to see fixed up.
Well, for the full price, I'll throw in a fat houseboy named Douglas! Jets deep in the hole on their own 10, trailing by 5 with a minute to go.
Come on! Douglas, any chance we'll be reshingling the roof in the next 2-3 weeks? No.
Okey-doke.
Testaverde dropping back and he is sacked back at the 2! And he had Chrebet wide open over the middle.
Someone should get Vinny some glasses-- kinda like the frames you got there.
What do you got there, Bob? Whatever they are, even I saw Chrebet from up here! Ha ha ha! Stop bantering! Not funny! Hey, sweetie.
I just picked up my new shoes.
What? Yeah.
Those Gucci shoes I prayed for? I only asked for 30.
I'm on a roll! You know what? You're sick.
You really have a problem.
No.
What I got is an open-toed slingback at a bargain price.
Well, this is it! Fourth down! No time-outs left.
Jets need the touchdown.
Bob, what the Jets need is a miracle.
Oh, my God! You're praying for the Jets! No, I'm not.
Yes, you were! You were praying for the Jets to win! No.
No.
I was praying for them to cover the spread.
That's a whole other thing! You are such a hypocrite.
You get on my back about shoes, and you're praying for a football game? Oh, please! Shoes are way more petty than a football game! Is not! Can you wear a football game? Can you spend an entire Sunday watching shoes?! Yes, I can! Testaverde wings it out to Coles on the sideline-- Whoa! And the defender tripped! Coles all alone! He is waltzing in for 6.
Jets win! This is unbelievable! We tell no one of this.
Arthur! Arthur, what are you doing? The Lings are outta control.
They want everything up to code! If I can just get past this disclosure phase, I'm home free.
What about disclosing the fact that you don't own this house? You're very clever.
Why don't you use those brains to help me put a good spin on this termite situation? No, no, Arthur, I am not gonna be part of this.
Hey, you're either with me or against me.
I'm against you.
That's not an option.
You just gave it to me as an option! You have to stop this, OK? You're my responsibility.
I just lost the Berenson sheepdogs.
I cannot afford to lose you, too.
So just stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop-- Was that vodka? Oh, sorry.
OK.
I just have to cover this puddle under the water heater.
Damn.
You look like you're built for lifting.
Help me out.
All right.
So you liked the mahimahi last time.
You wanna go for it again? Mahimahi's for mehee-mehee.
Look.
It's Father McAndrew again.
Oh, crap! What, does the guy live here? What is your problem? He'll come over here, take one look and know we've been praying for football and shoes and that parking spot we just got.
Carrie.
Doug? Hey, I got it.
They have it.
Tartar sauce.
Well, it was wonderful to see you last Sunday.
And you should know, thanks to your prayers, that Mrs.
Donnelly is doing much better.
Actually, you know, not just our prayers.
It's not like we have special powers or anything.
So will I be seeing you at my 5:30 mass today? Hey, try and keep us away.
Oh! There's my number.
Can't say mass on an empty stomach.
Mm-mm.
No.
OK.
Bye-bye.
See? We healed Mrs.
Donnelly.
You feel better now? Oh, no.
What's the matter? Father McAndrew's circling the mahimahi.
So? So there's only one piece left! So we'll get something else.
Carrie, I just found out there's a fish that tastes like meat.
There's no turning back now! So what should we do? I think I'll have the, um halibut.
Please include in your prayers Father McAndrew who is violently ill with salmonella poisoning.
OK.
What just happened here, really? We poisoned our priest.
No.
We did not poison our priest.
The halibut did.
Oh, wake up, Carrie.
We're on a praying spree--taking down everyone in our path! We're like the Bonnie and Clyde of prayer! Let's calm down.
Bonnie and Clyde, they robbed banks.
They killed people.
We asked God for a piece of fish.
What happened today was a sign, OK? We should leave prayer to the people who know how to use it! Doug, if it were a sign, Father McAndrew wouldn't be the one punished.
We would be.
There would be locusts or frogs or or hail! Flood! I'll see you in hell.
Morning.
Mmm morning! I have your tea.
Just set it here.
Thank you.
That'll be all, Douglas.
Thank you, Mr.
Ling.
Oh, what could have been