The King of Queens s06e08 Episode Script

Eggsit Strategy

Hey, man.
Hey.
What have you got there? Doughnut.
I thought you weren't eating carbs.
I'm now allowing myself to eat delicious carbs.
Hey, you got a little jelly right over there.
Yeah.
Yeah, there's some on the other side, too.
Oh.
Ok.
Yeah, how'd you get jelly on the back of your neck? There was a bee in the car.
What's that? A koosh ball.
Oh.
Hey, hey, leave it alone, man.
This-Doug, give it back to me.
I'm serious.
Why? Stop playing, man.
Why? Give-Give it to me.
I said give it to me! All right, man.
Take it easy.
It's just a ball.
Look, my kid gave this to me for my birthday last night.
It was really amazing.
the idea all by himself, Emptied out his piggy bank, and bought daddy a present.
Your birthday.
Right.
Did he mention that was from both of us or- Look, i gotta pick up my route, guy.
I'm serious.
Don't touch my koosh.
Ooh.
Oh, i'm touching it.
I'm touching it all over.
Hey.
Hey.
Yes, sir? Heffernan.
You gotta get all the trash out of your truck by thursday.
I'm giving you a head start now, Because i've seen your taco bell graveyard.
Hoo-Hoo! Um, what's happening thursday? Oh, some big guy coming from the northeast office To make sure we keep up the i.
P.
S.
Image, Such as it is.
Anyway, clean out your truck, And no more dumb-Ass stunts like last month.
Don't worry.
You won't even know i'm there.
In fact, if you want, i could just stay home that day.
Haa! Oh, my god.
Look at this.
"Property of mr.
Kaplan.
Do not touch.
" Didn't the guy just buy a $12 million house in the hamptons? You think he can throw the support staff a squirt of hazelnut, You know what i'm saying? He's right behind me, isn't he? Sorry.
We're just freaked out.
It's been going around That since the firm didn't do so great this year, There's gonna be some layoffs.
Really? Yeah.
Elaine who works upstairs said She heard the senior partners talking About getting rid of the deadwood.
Secretaries or just lawyers? Well, if they fire your boss, Why would they keep you around? Who left mr.
Kaplan's hazelnut out? Carrie.
Yeah? Type this up for me, will you? Uh, yes.
Mr.
Pruzan- You're looking a little fancy for casual friday, aren't you? Ok, a couple things.
Um, they canceled that a few weeks ago, And it's tuesday.
Mr.
Pruzan, can i ask you a question? I know the firm is downsizing, and- What?! Yeah, something about getting rid of the deadwood.
Deadwood?! Did they say deadwood? I don't know what they said exactly.
Carrie, i specifically need to know If they used the term "deadwood.
" We're in trouble, aren't we? Why does o'boyle have my koosh? Does he? You know, i always thought he went into our lockers and took stuff.
I'm serious.
One day my uniform smelled like he wore it.
What did you do?! I told you to lay off of it! But then o'boyle walked by and said, "hoo-Hoo!" And i had to throw it to him.
Why?! That's catch etiquette.
When someone goes, "hoo-Hoo," You gotta throw them the ball.
I can't believe it.
Just go in there and get it back! Not a great time for that.
Why? 'Cause you know how last month as a joke I filled out that timecard For one mr.
Foghorn leghorn? Yeah.
That was a classic.
Anyway, turns out the guys in accounting Cut him quite a few paychecks Before they realized he's a cartoon rooster.
O'boyle found out and made some pretty serious threats Involving his thermos and my ass.
Why he'd want to use his own thermos, i don't know.
I- You're gonna be wishing for a thermos When i get done with you, Now get in there! All right.
Hello? Hey, it's me.
I'm really upset.
Everyone's talking about how there might be some layoffs, And i think - I think pruzan's gonna be one of the first to go.
Yeah.
Uh-Huh.
Uh-Huh.
I haven't been able to do any work at all this morning.
I'm just sitting here feeling nauseous.
Go! He's coming! Just gonna have a water/phone break.
Gonna get a little water and phone.
I gotta go.
Ok.
Love you.
Hey, we'll get it! Come on, man.
Don't worry.
We'll get- Hey, that's the mean finger.
Well, i talked to the partners.
We really cleared the air.
Apparently i've decided to move on And pursue other interests.
Oh, my god.
Next issue are you aware of the various levels of good-Bye parties here? The people they hate get a card.
The people they like get ice-Cream cake.
The people they love get a full omelet bar.
I want to go out with the omelet bar, carrie, With the man in the chef's hat.
I wanna see that hat.
Make it happen.
Yeah.
Mm-Hmm.
Mr.
O'boyle, you got a minute? Yes.
No, we're all set for your review.
Think you're gonna like what you see, mr.
Halliburton.
Ok, great.
Well, we'll see you then.
Yeah.
Oh, i'll be so glad when this douche is out of my life.
What's up? Actually, i just had to ask you a question.
What? Uh, about the review, Um, should we wear shorts that day? Or go with a little bit more of a formal look With the longer- Hoo-Hoo! I don't care.
Either one.
I'm just saying, you know, shorts is one way to go, But if you go with the- Witchacataa! Hello.
Yeah, hey, lou.
Uh-Huh.
Hmm.
Ziggatoww! What? Bup-Bup-Bup-Bup! No, tell the i.
R.
S.
We're not trying to hide anything from them.
There is no foghorn leghorn who works here.
No, it-It was just a bad joke by one of our moron drivers Who happens to be standing right here now bothering me.
Yeah.
All right.
Good-Bye.
Well, turns out the federal government Didn't think your prank was very funny either.
Oh, and they're so hilarious? Would it be possible For you to actually focus one day here on your job Instead of acting like a massively overweight 4- Year-Old? I can certainly try.
Heffernan.
Yeah? Hoo-Hoo! Hmm? Hoo hoo.
Hey, babe.
I just put in 8 fish sticks, And i could put in more, So i'm gonna need to know from you very realistically If you're gonna want one.
'Cause there can't be any of this Can i have a little bite? No.
You're in, or you're out, ok? Don't jerk me around.
I think it's happening.
What's happening? Should i bang it up to 12? No.
I'm talking about what's going on at work.
Oh, right.
The, uh, big case? No, you idiot! I'm talking about that i might get fired! What?! What do you mean "what"?! I called you from work in a panic! You know i tune you out! What do you mean you might get fired?! Well, they're firing pruzan because they realized he's an idiot And he isn't anybody's nephew.
And if they fire him, i don't think there's a place for me.
I can't believe this.
I told you to dress sluttier! Thank you, doug.
Thank you for your support.
What are we gonna do?! I mean, this is your job! I mean, this is half our income! All right, you know what? You really suck At making me feel better, you know that?! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
What do you want me to say? I want you to say that everything's gonna be all right.
Everything's gonna be all right.
I don't believe that at all! I don't blame you! I am really scared about our future.
Awkward fish stick timing.
Just get 'em.
No.
They're better if they sit anyway.
Come here, would you? Just come here.
I don't know what the hell's going on over there, But they'd be crazy to let someone like you go.
And if for some reason they do, well, We'll figure something out.
Yeah? Ok? Yes.
Would you put down the slurpee straw? All right? It's gonna be fine.
Well, just in case, don't do anything To screw up your job, ok? You're doing something to screw up your job, aren't you? Hey, hey! Somebody's day Just got a little more koosherific.
I don't want any of those.
Let me finish.
I also got you a water pistol, An egg full of glow-In-The-Dark goo, And a tiny matt damon book.
How many times do i have to tell you? I want the koosh my son bought for me.
Ok, we get it! Your kid had $1.
60 once.
Can we move on? No! You know what happened last night? I got home, and the first thing my son said to me was, "Where's your koosh ball, daddy? Don't you love it anymore?" I told him i was having it cleaned.
Nice one.
That was the first time in my life I ever lied to my child.
I can't do that again.
Look, o'boyle's out with that guy.
We stole the key.
You're going in there like we planned.
Yeah, i- I can't do that.
Why not?! Carrie might be losing her job.
Really? Yeah.
And that would leave us with only one paycheck, Which is terrifying enough, But if i get caught in there, We're down to no paychecks, And i can't live on that.
But-What- He's not gonna fire you.
He might! He fired martinez 'cause he wouldn't say, "freedom fries.
" All right.
You know what? Just-Just give me the key.
Give me the key.
I'll go in there.
I can't do that either.
What? Because i'm the one Who threw him the koosh in the first place.
Ok, he'll know i'm involved.
You really need to let this go.
Give me the key.
No.
I said give it.
And i said, "no.
" Oh, my god! Left pocket.
Thank you.
Hurry up.
It's not in here.
What?! It's gone! You think he wears that? That's pretty sparkly for a dude.
Betty, hi.
Hi, carrie.
What can we do for you up here? Oh, i just have a fed-Ex for mr.
Levy.
Come in.
Mr.
Levy, hi.
I'm carrie heffernan.
I work for mr.
Pruzan downstairs.
I have a- A fed-Ex for you.
Doesn't the mail room usually bring those around? Yes.
Yes, they usually do, But i was just passing by, And i saw it sitting there all by itself, And it looked so sad.
Ooh! What's that paper clip doing there? I'll get it.
I gotcha.
Thank you.
Oh, one quick question.
How's betty working out for you? Is she-She working out? She's doing fine.
Yeah? Yeah, she's good.
She's good people, you know? But even with all the vacations? I mean, i just- My philosophy for the people i work for is "work first," You know? And i know last month she was in florida, And then, what, 2 weeks ago she just couldn't bother to show up? Her gallbladder exploded.
Mm-Hmm.
Mm-Hmm.
Carrie, i heard about pruzan, And if this is your way of looking for a new job, I just have to say this is highly inappropriate.
Mm-Hmm.
Mm-Hmm.
And, frankly, i would hate for a client to walk in And see you on display like that.
I'll, uh, i'll button up.
Thank you for the fed-Ex.
Actually, this isn't for you.
Carrie, there you are.
So where are we at omelet-Wise? Well, it looks like you're getting a card.
A card? Yeah.
Worst-Case scenario, i thought ice-Cream cake, But this is chilling.
You gotta get them to bump it up.
Mr.
Pruzan, i know your egg issues are important, But i've got my own getting fired thang going on here, So i gotta deal with my own thing- There's mr.
Kaplan! You can talk to him right now.
What? No.
He's the head of the firm.
Yes, and he's also the guy Who can green-Light omelet man in a heartbeat.
No! No! No! No! Go! Go! Go! Go! Mr.
Kaplan, hi.
Oh, hello, carrie.
Um, can i talk to you for a second? Mm, sure.
Well, i was just- I was wondering if, um- Actually, i want to talk to you about my job.
I know mr.
Pruzan is leaving, And, um, i'm sure you can understand That i'm a little concerned, Because, um, you know i've worked for this firm For a long time, and i'm really- Carrie, carrie, you'll be fine.
Really? Absolutely.
Don't worry.
Oh.
That deadwood boss of yours, he should worry.
Yeah, you know, i probably shouldn't be telling you this, But do you know that he actually calls home during the day To talk to his answering machine So his cat won't get lonely? So you understand why we're letting him go.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, mr.
Kaplan, one more quick thing.
Um, deadwood was actually hoping For, um, that omelet man thing.
I know it's silly, But it would really ease the blow for him, you know? Carrie, that man cost this firm $47 million.
The only way he can have omelet man Is if he pays for it himself.
That seems fair.
Ok.
Bye-Bye.
Hey, how about this: You tell your kid the koosh got called back To its home planet of koosheron Where koosh live, work, and worship And throw around tiny people for fun.
There it is.
Ok, everything looks pretty good.
I should have your report back to you monday at the latest.
Great.
Thanks for stopping by our little depot.
Where is my car? The driver said he just had to bring it around.
What do you have there? A koosh? This? Uh, yeah.
Yo yo yo.
I'm going in.
Ziggata! Hey, heffernan.
This is heffernan and palmer, a couple of our drivers.
Hey.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
How you doing? Hoo-Hoo! Yo yo! Ziggatatoww! Hoo-Hoo.
Rrrr! Rrrr! Ok, this is me.
Thanks, patrick.
We'll be in touch.
Hoo-Hoo.
Shamina-Homina.
What have you got there, paul? Bacon crumbles, swiss? My god, they really went all out for me.
Which credit card did you want to put this on? Not now.
Oh, mr.
Kaplan.
There you go.
Oh, and don't forget your napkin.
Don't want to get anything on that gorgeous little tie you got there.
What are those? Ducks? They're tiny pictures of my son harrison.
Oh! Look at that.
He's got your eyes.
Um, mr.
Kaplan? I was hoping that we could, um- One second.
I'll take, uh mushrooms and artichokes and- What is that? Wafer-Thin prosciutto? Hit me.
I'm sorry.
What was that? Oh, i just thought we could talk about our conversation.
What conversation? Remember in the elevator? Our conversation about- That i would still have a job here.
Well, why would you still have a job here If your boss is leaving? Who you gonna work for? But you said everything would be fine.
I mean, you said that.
Well, i guess i meant That everything would be fine with you Out there in the job market.
You're a very competent person.
Easy there, chico.
I like my eggs a little wet.
Mr.
Kaplan, do you understand That i need this job? I mean, i don't have $25 million in the bank And a house on the beach, you know? I have one house, and it's very close to a gas station.
Carrie, can we do this later? No, we can't do this later, ok? We're doing this now, all right? So you can understand Why i took that kind of seriously, But if you're- If you're telling me now That you're just gonna let me go, Then i guess i just have one question.
Where's my omelet bar? Hmm? I have busted my ass For this company for 7 years.
I have come in early.
I have stayed late for no extra pay.
I babysat for your freak-Duck-Looking boy harrison there At the christmas party.
And i've made thousands of travel arrangements For all of you and the hot little paralegals You're all "mentoring.
" So i guess, yeah.
Where's my omelet bar?! Where is it, huh?! Carrie, i'm your biggest fan.
I would just hate for our last interaction To be me calling security on you.
Ok, you know what? You don't gotta call security.
'Cause i'm just- I'm so outta here, ok? I'm just gonna - I'm gonna go down to the diner On 48th street and lex, and i'm gonna sit down, and i'm gonna order One of the juiciest, cheesiest omelets that i can get, And i'm gonna sit there and pat myself on the back For the great job that i've done for this firm, And then i'm probably gonna throw up, Because the food there is pretty questionable.
Boy, am i glad that came fast.
Fired.
That stings.
Do i feel lucky i'm leaving mutually.
Honey, i love you so much.
Come on.
It's all gonna be ok.
Those rich lawyers, they're the losers, huh? It's all gonna work out fine.
I'm here for you.
Just tell me what you need.
Can i have a fish stick? I- I-I knew it.