The King of Queens s06e11 Episode Script

Santa Claustrophobia

Well, that was an interesting walk.
Uh, listen, i'd like to apologize For my skirmish with cupcake, But in my defense, I did see the tennis ball first.
Well, hopefully you two can start fresh next time.
Well, that's up to him.
Oh, i have to push back our walk on thursday.
I'm going to sears to get a picture Of me and the dogs for my christmas card.
Sears? I can do it right here.
Well, i kind of like sears 'Cause they give you the little mini ones- Come on.
It'll be my holiday gift to you.
Well, i already have an appointment.
But it's my gift to you.
And i appreciate that- It's my gift! Ok.
Ohh! There's my man! Ooh! It's so good to have you home! All right.
Settle down.
Just me, not the sparkletts guy.
I'm sorry.
Just bouncing off the walls here.
Really? Yeah, when you don't have a job, You get up, You throw on your sweats, You eat something, you sit on the couch, And before you know it, it's time for bed.
That is word for word one of my top dreams.
Come on, honey, entertain me, entertain me.
All right, i'd like to start off With a piece called "having doritos.
" Seriously, honey, Say one of those funny things you say.
What do ya got? Uh arr, rahr, rahr! Rahr! Ok, i remember you being a lot more interesting.
Look, just give me Why don't you read a magazine or something? I read every magazine in the house already.
Well, here you go, Read my company newsletter, I.
Go to town.
"Snap, crackle, and pop: I.
Switches bubble wrap suppliers.
" I'm actually gonna read this.
Kids, i think we should nail down a date For our christmas card photo shoot.
And as far as wardrobe goes, I'm thinkin' everyone in denim shirts and jeans.
And i'm thinking no picture and you go downstairs And get last night's broccoli out of your teeth.
Come on, darling, what do you say? Let's show a little father-Daughter holiday spirit.
Who knows how many christmases We have left together? Ohh.
Maybe next year, daddy, ok? Fine.
I wanna wish you both a merry christmas in hell! Oh, my god, look at this.
got baked together.
I don't know whether to eat it or donate it to science.
What? Your depot is hiring payroll assistants To handle the extra holiday load.
They need people who can type and do payroll.
I've done both.
I should apply for this, right? No, i don't know.
It would be so great to get out of the house During the day and make a little money.
You know? And i'd feel like i was part of the world again.
I'm gonna go e-Mail my résumé right now.
If it's cool with you, Because i would be invading on your turf, you know? What? Is that all right? Yeah? Yeah! Great! Thanks, baby! Oh, yeah! No! So she's standing on the curb, And i'm gettin' her packages out of the truck, When out of nowhere this car flies by, Hits this huge puddle, And bam! We're in the middle of a wet t-Shirt contest.
Me against her.
She's winning, but i'm holding my own.
So, anyway, she's just standing there, And she's got some grade-A sweet potatoes.
You know what i'm saying? So what she does is- Guess who? Hey! Hi, honey.
What are you guys talking about? I heard sweet potatoes.
Uh, yeah.
We were thinking about gettin' 'em For the vending machine.
Actually, i was just, uh, Telling a story about this female person On my route.
Oh, that's ok.
I know what guys talk about.
Keep goin' like i wasn't even here.
Was she hot? That's ok.
Oh, come on! All right, well, uh, This w-Woman got splashed by a car And her-Her shirt kind of got wet.
That's where the previously mentioned sweet potatoes come in.
So i was like, you know, "Take your package.
I'm not here for the show, lady.
"I don't know what crap you're tryin' to pull, But i love my wife.
" You know what i'm sayin'? God.
Good one, honey.
All right, snack time.
Honey, can i tell you how good it feels To be back at work? I already have a best friend upstairs And a girl we both hate.
Good for you.
So, what are you gonna get? Eh, i'm not sure yet.
Hey, how 'bout this? You pick the letter.
I pick the number.
Live dangerously.
Mmm, i don't think so.
I can't risk ending up with a comb for lunch.
I think i'm goin' with fritos.
Oh, don't get the fritos.
Get the cheetos.
I'm in the mood for those.
Uh, well, you know, for 70 cents, You can get your very own bag.
I know, but i only want a few.
Come on, j-6, j-6, j-6, j-6, j-6, j-6- O- O-Ok.
Yeah! How's it goin', stud? Carrie? Hi, honey! What are you doin' on the c.
? Wanda's teachin' me how.
Right, wanda? That's right, doug.
Well we're all here, then.
So, what's goin' on? Uh just doin' my route.
Oh, you say "rowt"? I say "root.
" And yet we still make it work.
Gotta wrap this up.
Got a package thing to do.
Bye, honey! Bye.
Oh, wait! Say good-Bye to wanda.
Bye, wanda.
Bye, doug.
Ok, i need hershey in a little tighter.
Cupcake, Quit the funny business.
This is a family picture.
And that's it.
Now, hold it.
Now, just wait for the flash.
Arthur, I hadn't planned on you Actually being in the photo.
Why not? It's a picture of everyone you walk.
Yeah, but i'm sending these to my clients, And i'm not sure they would understand That i walk a human being.
When they see your name on the list, I tell them you're a schnauzer.
Just smile.
Arthur, i don't think i really wanna do- Do it or you're fired! Now smile.
Only 80 more seconds.
I'm going to sears.
Fine, but if you're so worried About your picture being ruined, I'd worry about him! Buster? Something that ugly doesn't deserve a name.
Are you sure northern boulevard's the best way to go? There's so many lights.
I think we should cut through the waldbaum's And go through the neighborhood.
You know? And then we'd avoid all that.
Let's try that tomorrow.
Ohh! Ahh.
I am beat.
I'm gonna head upstairs to bed.
Yeah, me, too.
You know what? Actually, i'm gonna stay down And actually watch a little tele-Vis-I-On For a while.
Ok, baby.
Oh, is that patrick swayze? Hey, man.
Have you seen carrie? No.
Thank god! I gotta hit the men's room where i can grab 20 minutes alone Before we drive home tonight.
Yeah, about all that time You're spending in the bathroom the other drivers are getting a little creeped out Walking in and finding you in that folding chair by the urinals.
I'm sorry, but it's the only way i can escape her.
She's everywhere! Doug? Oh, my god! Cover for me! Hey.
You see the big guy? Uh, i-I think he's still out on his route.
But his truck's right there.
Oh, he-He must be delivering on foot, then.
You guys do that? Uh, we like to mix it up.
Uh, that's my snack.
See you later.
Hey, that's my lean pocket.
No, it's not.
Yes, it is.
I need to do this.
Aah! Hey, baby.
Hey! Calm down.
It's just me.
I know.
What's up? What's goin' on? Oh, i was just wondering if you can store some stuff In your locker for me.
Like what? Oh, just my sweater And some of my lady products And a picture of me To remember me when i'm not here.
And when will that be?! What? I'm sorry.
It's just every second of every day, You know? Driving together, calling me in the truck.
All night with me, you, and patrick swayze.
I can't take it anymore! All right, look, doug, maybe i went a little overboard here, ok? Maybe i called you a little too much On your little radio there, But i'm only gonna be here for 2 weeks! You couldn't take it for 2 weeks? I was surprised myself! You know? But 2 weeks can seem pretty long! You know, like, if you're on jury duty Or trapped in a mine! Oh! Ok, so working with me Is like being trapped in a mine.
Ok, well, i- You know what, doug? I am so sorry that my very presence here Has been so awful for you.
You know what? It's really funny, Because for me, I love spending this time together.
I- I love being here with you.
You know? I mean watching you work has actually been a turn-On for me, If you could believe that.
Really? Yeah.
You know, watching you lift all those heavy boxes And gettin' sweaty and workin' the forklift.
I've never seen you at work, you know? You're good at what you do.
It's sexy.
It is? Yeah, but you hate me, so what's the point? I- I feel like an idiot now.
Well, you should.
Look, i'm-I'm sorry.
You know i love you.
I just- I just got carried away.
So you like the forklift, huh? Yeah.
Especially when you raise and swivel at the same time.
You know, that breaks every safety code, but it's my signature move.
Do you, uh like it when i do this here? Do you like that, right here? Huh? We get it, doug.
Give it a rest now.
How 'bout this stuff here? Ohh! Bubbles no match for me! Look, i'm- I'm really sorry.
Ok? Ok.
Have a good day at work, tiger.
I hate to see you go, But i love to watch you leave.
What's up with you two now? Oh, just found out there's a couple of perks To havin' your wife around at work.
What do you mean? Mmm.
I don't like to have sex In a truck and tell.
Oh, wait.
I guess i do.
Yahtzee! Doug and carrie, Back of his truck.
Turnin' this place into i.
"Oh, yes.
" That's the story, duke.
And by the way, he punched out after.
Rockin' on the clock.
Now, that's the way to do it.
I heard it was surprisingly tender.
I think it's pretty inappropriate.
Aren't they married? Yeah.
Still, in a truck? Yeah, guess you're right.
Why are temps always so slutty? Spence, my good man! Yeah, i'm here.
Um why did you want me to wear a green turtleneck? For our christmas card, of course.
Come again? A simple snapshot.
You offer me these chocolate chip cookies, And i react with delight, thusly: Hey! What- What exactly is our relationship That we're sending out a christmas card together? Buddies, confidants, about town.
Don't you think that seems joyous? Inspired? Gay.
Christmas is no time for bigotry! I'm not homophobic! I just don't wanna be on a card with you.
These aren't even real! Of course not.
They're prop cookies.
Real cookies photograph like buttons, idiot! Merry christmas, arthur.
Good! Leave, then.
Now i don't have to explain to people How i befriended a lawn dwarf! Back of the truck.
Comin' back for some more dougie lovin', huh? I guess once you pop, you can't stop.
Ow! Tough love.
I'm in.
I can't believe you told everyone! What are you talkin' about? What am i talking about? About what we did here.
Oh, and you didn't tell anyone? Oh, yeah, i just couldn't wait to tell everyone How chunky nailed me on bubble wrap.
You see, i knew this was wrong For a husband and wife to work together! Well, you know what, you don't have to worry about that anymore, Because for the rest of my time here, We are not husband and wife, ok? We are separate employees With separate lives.
Works for me! Perfect! Ok, payday! Who wants a paycheck? Uh, la pointe? La pon-Tay.
There you go.
Deacon? Thanks, carrie.
You're welcome.
And hefferman? Actually, it's heffer-Nan.
Oh! Right.
Ok, well, here's your check, dick.
Oh, i'm sorry.
It's doug.
I'm sorry.
I'm new here.
Ok, florsheim? Listen, i do need to speak to you About one non-Work-Related matter If that's ok.
What is it? Well, it's about our christmas tree.
We're supposed to get it tonight, That is, if we're still celebrating christmas.
Well, i know i am.
As am i.
In fact, I'm gettin' a santa tattoo.
How 'bout this, doug, How 'bout we each get our own tree this year? Hmm? Sounds good to me.
Now i can break out my naked lady ornaments.
Well, i got my tree.
Oh, is that one yours? That's adorable.
Actually, um, no.
I'm gonna- This is the tree That i'm getting right here.
There you go.
I got it.
How much for this one? Uh, that's $55.
All righty.
Here we go.
Ben, honey? Yeah? You got change? Oh, i sure do, sweetheart.
Well, where-Where'd i put my fanny pack? It's in the trailer.
He never remembers anything.
In case you forget, your hat's on your head.
You guys are married? Oh, yeah.
And you work together? We've been together Let me get some rope for your car.
They've worked together for half a century, And, uh we couldn't even make it for 10 days.
We suck.
Look, i'm- I'm sorry about all this.
I- I love being with you, and if you want, You can work at i.
Should i quit? That would make it the best christmas ever.
Yes, sir, got the change.
And did you want the other tree as well? Uh, you know what? I think the one is just good for us.
We're fine.
Thank you.
Thank you, you guys.
Merry christmas.
Merry christmas.
Nice work.
You just cost us a sale.
I did? Yeah, if you'd had your fanny pack Around your waist where it belonged, They wouldn't have time to change their mind.
But the money's safer in the trailer! Oh, you get stupider every year! Oh, shut up! Shut up.
Shut up! Shut up! Daphne, shut up! Fire!