The King of Queens s06e23 Episode Script

Icky Shuffle

What are you doing with the clark bar? I thought you were a snickers man.
I delivered to an ed clark today, And, well, one thing led to another.
Any chance you might deliver to a steve celery sometime? Any chance you could deliver to shutty town? I used to love these as a kid.
Actually stole one once.
You stole? Yep.
I was at herb's candies one day.
I came up a dime short, So i just put one in my pocket, Slipped out the front door and ate it.
guilty i threw it all up.
And yet you got back on the horse.
How about you, you ever steal anything? Uh once in high school, A bunch of us stole a car.
I'm sorry? Well, if you want to be technical, It was more of a carjacking.
The, uh, the shop teacher mr.
Peshkin Was gonna fail a bunch of us, So we waited for him after school, and, um, When he was climbing into his crappy old buick, My friend jimmy came up behind him, And he was, like, "get down! Get down!" Like he had a gun or something.
So mr.
Peshkin, he just dropped to the pavement, And we just all piled in his car and took off.
He never saw us.
But then later on, we started freaking out about fingerprints, So we stripped the license plates And pushed the car into the river.
It's crazy the stuff you do as a kid, right? Ohh.
I've never wanted you more.
Do you ever think at times like this When i'm not looking my best, Is when i need to feel attractive the most? All right, let's do it.
Come on, stop it.
I need you to do something for me, ok? I already got you your precious medicine.
I need you to go with my father To family night at the senior center.
It starts at 6:00.
I can't.
Tonight i have plans.
What plans? I was gonna drink beer and gamble on-Line.
Ok, you know what, If you're gonna be such a baby about it, Then i'll just go myself.
Wait, wait, wait.
Gosh here, bundle up.
This is where gus lumsen died.
This is where chuck randolph died.
And this is where they give us juice.
Well, this is great.
This is really, really great.
Oh, my god! Is it- Is it 6:05 already? Oh, no.
Here comes that braggart philip waldecott.
Am i missing anything? I'm a little late.
I just had a meeting with our contractor.
We're building a new guest wing onto our house.
What a coincidence.
We're building a new guest wing on our house.
Well, lucky for us, we'll be away in st.
Barts While they're doing all the work.
We'll be in st.
Barts while they're doing our work.
By the way, i'd like you to meet my son-In-Law warren.
I'd like you to meet my son-In-Law warren.
Nice to meet you, warren.
Actually, everybody calls me doug for short.
So, the member-Guest shuffleboard tournament Is coming up next week.
I understand that the first prize Is a large basket of mr.
Tootsie's foot care products.
I assume that you two will be playing? Playing? We'll be giving you the drubbing of your lives, waldecott.
Right, warren? Ok, couple of things.
Not warren, not goin'.
Well, come on, warren.
You've been begging to see my pottery.
I'm sorry, douglas.
I didn't mean to put you on the spot.
It just would've been nice to stick it to that smug bastard.
You and me together, stepping into that winner's circle, Holding up that foot powder.
I could almost taste it.
Can you believe this? My gravy boat won first prize.
I'm sorry to see you walk away empty-Handed.
But i suppose you could go home And look at your ribbons from other years oh, no, wait.
You haven't won any, have you? No.
Well, anyway, i guess i'll be seeing you in st.
All right, they're goin' down.
Carrie, it's holly.
Can i come in? Yeah.
Hey, come in.
Join the party.
Your dad told me you were sick, So i brought you some soup.
Oh, that is so sweet.
Thank you.
And from what i can smell, It smells great.
What do you think? Oh, it's great.
Yeah, it's something my mom used to make it for her boyfriends When they were detoxing.
Oh, well, it was very nice of you.
Thank you.
I can come by tomorrow and bring you some more If you're still not feeling well.
Well, if you don't mind.
Not at all.
All right, here you go.
Feel better, and i will see you tomorrow.
Oh, and, hol could you maybe bring me something a little sweet, too? Like what? I don't know.
Surprise me.
Oh, douglas, thanks again for doing this.
It means the world to me.
You got it, arthur.
By the way, They put a drawstring on sweatpants for a reason.
All right, let's get this practice underway.
We'll learn the court, Get our team strategy together, And while we're at it, Take in the sights.
You know, what happens at the senior center Stays at the senior center.
All right.
Well, let's do it.
Let's see what this game's all about.
All right.
Remember, shuffleboard is trickier than it looks.
I lettered in 3 sports, arthur.
I think i can slide a salad plate across a cement floor.
Ooh, looks like i knocked you out again, douglas.
You're in the zone, josephine.
Your turn.
Once again, you've gone a bit too far, dear.
Ok, you know what? The short one's pissing me off.
She's just trying to get in your head.
Now, listen, douglas.
You're strong.
You need to control that strength.
Make it work for you.
Like this.
Now you.
Thanks for the match, boys.
We'll see you inside.
Losers buy the juice.
I can't believe this.
It looked much easier on the love boat.
Don't worry about it, douglas.
With a little more practice, team spooner Will be neck deep in foot powder.
We'll show that waldecott a thing or two.
Thanks, arthur.
You're right, we're gonna win this thing.
You bet we will.
Oh, boy.
Oh, damn it! What are you doing? That one was heading for the 10.
What are you doing? Couldn't find a court that's open at night.
How about our very long, well-Lit driveway? Then i'd have to roll up the hose.
It's a whole thing.
I'm gonna give you a free pass on this one, honey, Because you're doing a nice thing for my dad.
Can i, uh use that free pass for jack in the box? Hey, guys.
Oh, hey.
Carrie, i brought you some of that noodle casserole, And for dessert, rice pudding.
How you feeling? Well i'm not as weak.
Well, don't you worry.
Miracle noodles coming right up.
What is she, your caterer now? I'm still sick, you know.
I'm very weak and achy.
Then why weren't you under the covers Before she got here? I was trying to be brave for you.
Health express coming through.
Here you go.
Thank you.
I will.
What do you think? Great.
I'm feeling better already.
Good, good.
Well, if you're all set here, I'm gonna take off.
Oh, um, holly what's wrong? Nothing.
It's just that i don't know What i'm gonna do for dinner tomorrow.
Oh, i've got more of the noodle casserole at home.
I could bring it by if you want.
I was thinking something a little bit more main coursey.
Like? Like? Like something with lamb? You know? Maybe those tiny lamb chops? I'm just throwin' that one out there.
O- Ok, yeah.
No problem.
I just have to stop by the store.
And the atm.
Oh, and, could you maybe make something for doug, too? I feel so bad.
I haven't been able to cook for him.
Wh-What would he like? Um, i don't know.
Maybe some pasta? Caesar salad? Oh ok.
Um we have, um, lamb chops And pasta, caesar salad.
Does that have anchovies in it? Usually does.
Do you want 'em? Put 'em on the side.
Anchovies on the side.
And to drink? Is sprite ok? Ok.
Ah-Choo! Thanks.
God bless you.
Hello, spence.
Calling it a night? Yep.
I am beat.
I cannot wait to get into bed.
I'm sure that will give me great comfort While i'm alone on the platform being stabbed.
It's perfectly safe down here.
Although i think people could pick up after themselves.
If i was a betting man, I'd say you couldn't do that again.
I guess you'd lose, then.
Hold it, son.
By any chance, Have you ever played shuffleboard? No.
I can't believe that.
You must have played before.
You have perfect form.
Look, i have a tournament coming up.
I want you to play with me.
No! I told you i don't play! Anymore.
The summer i turned 14 Was a magical time.
I was the best junior shuffleboarder in the city.
My coach said, "sky's the limit.
" College recruiters were hounding me.
And the girls hello, first base.
I had just gotten back from a goodwill tour Of the iron curtain countries, And i was on top of the world.
Hey, ma.
I'm going to the shuffleboard nationals In boca raton.
Maybe i can win us some prize money And finally get us- Mom? Coach wallach? Hey, kid.
How you doin'? That's great news, spencer.
Now be a dear, and get mommy a ginger ale.
That's a terrible story.
Although not exactly a surprise ending.
On that day, i put down my cue And i will never pick it up again.
But do me one favor then.
Do you know what this is? Of course i do.
It's a regulation shuffleboard glove.
Put it on.
And if you still feel the same way, We'll never speak of this again.
God, this just feels so right.
Uh arthur.
What's spence doing here? And why is he dressed like mitch gaylord? Ohh, there's no easy way to say this, douglas.
I'm making some changes on team spooner.
Actually, just one change.
He's in, you're out.
What are you talking about? Let's not make a scene.
What about all that talk About me and you against the world, Holding up that foot powder, winning this thing together? The operative term there was "winning.
" Look at him, douglas.
He's beautiful.
Like he's genetically bred to play the game.
You play with your boyfriend, But i got news for you, old man.
I've been practicing my game, And you know what? Here's a little taste Of what you're gonna be missing.
Oh! My good hip! Hey.
Hey, hol, a little late tonight.
I'm starving.
I have your saffron risotto And your chilean sea bass with mango chutney.
Wait a minute.
You didn't make me your spring rolls? Oh, no, no.
I couldn't find any fresh crab meat, And i know how you hate the imitation.
You know what? Don't you worry about it.
Ok? So, uh i see you went to work today.
Yeah, yeah.
New job, so i had to drag myself out of bed, you know? I see you also dragged yourself to bloomingdale's.
What are you driving at here, hol? No.
Well, it's just that, i mean, If someone were to walk in here, They might think that i was the sick one And that you were the well one.
That's all.
Well, i can't speak for you, but i am sick.
What, should i be sitting here with a big red nose And a thermometer hanging out of my mouth? A hot water bottle right here? This is what a sick person looks like.
No, no.
It's just well, you bought lingerie.
I am sick! All right, i'm sick! I got a new job.
It's very stressful.
It was a very difficult time to be sick.
You calling me a liar? I didn't mean to call you a liar.
The only thing that was making me feel better was your cooking.
I really wanted the spring rolls.
I will-I will make those spring rolls.
I just didn't know where to get the crab meat.
Well, you can get them down by the docks If you get there when the boats come in.
I'll do that.
Again, i'm really- Ah-Choo! Sorry.
Ooh, you didn't breathe on any of the food, did you? No, i was careful.
All right, sweetie.
Hey, ma! You're not gonna believe it.
I'm doin' it.
I'm playing again.
I even got in touch with my old coach.
He said he was gonna- Mom? Coach wallach? Oh, hey, kid, how you doing? Well, you're the one who got back in touch with him.
Be a dear and get mommy a ginger ale.
But the finals are tomorrow.
You gotta play.
Come on, stop blubbering.
So your mother gets around.
What else is new? Oh, the hell with you! What, are you making a sandwich? What gave me away, the bread, ham, and mustard? Big man scores again.
Anyway, eat up.
You need your strength.
Tomorrow's a big day.
Yeah? What's so big about it? Why, you and i are in the finals Against philip and warren.
Don't tell me you forgot? What are you talking about? You dumped me.
Dumped you? That doesn't sound like me.
Wait a second.
That was spence on the phone.
He's out, and you want me back in, is that it? Great.
Now that we're up to speed, let's talk strategy.
What-What would possibly make you think I would come back and help you win this thing? Why would i help you do anything? You're right.
I'm sorry, douglas.
I guess when you've failed in as many things as i have in life, A basket of foot powder looks like the nobel prize.
I've lost that.
And now i've probably lost you, too.
Well, good night.
All right, i'll play.
Really? Yeah, but you realize We're probably not gonna win this thing.
Just you doing this means i've already won.
Loser! I would've been better off with an ape.
You said you didn't care about winning.
You're dead to me.
Same here! Aha, sweet relief.
Heh heh heh.
Carrie! I have your jambalaya.
Come on.
And 2, and 3, and 4! Come on! Lift your legs! Just leave it on the counter there.
Thanks, hol.
Keep those elbows up.
Come on, and 1! And 2! And 3! And 4! Feel the burn.