The King of Queens s07e02 Episode Script

Dugan Groupie

You got the hiccups.
What gave me away? The hiccups? How about I scare you? Guaranteed to get rid of them.
It's all right, Arthur.
I'm fine, thanks.
Okay, suit yourself.
I just thought that- Boo! Okay, still have the hiccups, and now there's tuna on me.
Actually it's chicken salad- Boo! Stop! Boo! Boo! Stop it! Stop! I'm trying to help! I don't need your help, all right? So knock it off! I'm sorry, Douglas.
I was merely trying to repay you for all the kindness you've shown me.
But I clearly, uh, overstepped my bounds.
Believe me, it won't happen again.
Arthur, look, I just wanted to- You're welcome.
Well, there you go.
You drink it in, my little meaty-weaty steakie-weakies.
Daddy's gonna give you a nice little bath, and after your bath, he's gonna cook you and eat you.
Yes, he is.
Yes, he is.
Hey, honey.
Hey, there she is.
All right, let's fire up the grill.
Doug- Okay, now I'm in charge of steak and potatoes, so if you want anything green, that's all you.
Doug, stop.
What? I can't do this tonight.
What do you mean? I got stuck with this report, and it's due in the morning.
But we're supposed to have meat and movie night.
It was your idea.
Only the movie.
Your idea was just to have meat night, and that was after I bargained you down from meat week.
Carrie, this is Kobe steak from Japan.
I've been looking forward to this.
I've rehearsed every chew.
I'm ready.
I don't know, honey.
What do you want me to do? I have to work.
Well- Why are you bringing work home with you anyway? It just happened.
We were in a meeting and Ms.
Boone asked if anyone had any suggestions on how to lower acquisition fees.
Don't tell me you said something.
I just said maybe we should research out-of-state escrow companies.
And then she said, "Great idea, Carrie.
Why don't you take the ball on this one?" And you took it? You never take the ball! The ball's trouble.
It's always trouble.
I know, but I had an idea.
You-? You had an idea? Do you know how many times I've had ideas at work, ways to improve service, improve safety, prevent accidents? But I keep my mouth shut.
Look, how about this: we let the meat keep marinating, and we'll have it tomorrow.
Tomorrow? That seems like a million years away.
And tomorrow it'll be meat, movie, and me night, hm? I still get the big steak? Yes, honey.
Okay, well, what time will you be home? I'm not sure, but I will call as soon as I'm on my way, and that'll be your signal to fire up the grill.
Wh-what's the signal again? When I call, baby.
When I call, okay? I read you.
I got it.
All right.
Hey, you get off of there.
Get off of there.
And let that go.
You let that go.
Relax, Douglas.
Bad! I was just admiring these two wonderful Kobe steaks.
Where's mine? Well, if you have one, it's still in Japan.
Always with the quips.
Seriously, is it in the fridge? No, just these two steaks, Arthur.
Carrie and I were gonna have a special dinner.
I see.
And what was I supposed to eat? Dog food? No, lasagna from last night.
Okay, I see how it works around here.
Shove some leftovers down the old man's throat, then as soon as his back is turned, out comes the champagne and caviar.
Okay, you know what, Arthur? It's one dinner.
Just relax.
I will not relax! What other luxuries do you and Carrie keep hidden from me? Nothing.
Ah-ha! Why don't I have any of this downstairs? 'Cause that's dishwashing liquid, and you don't have a dishwasher.
Check and mate.
Boone said anything about your report yet? No, and she's had it all day.
Well, that's not necessarily bad.
Of course it's bad.
I know.
I tried.
My husband told me not to take the ball.
I should've listened to him.
He's a very wise man.
Well, I'm gonna head out.
I'm meeting some of the girls at T.
Friday's for Shrimp Fest.
I'll walk out with you.
I just gotta call my husband.
And tell him I'm on my way.
Actually, you know what? You go ahead.
I- I gotta find out what she thought of my report.
It's gonna drive me nuts.
Good luck.
Come in.
Uh, I was just, um, headed out.
Oh, you're joining the girls for Shrimp Fest? Uh no.
Actually, I just wanted to, uh, talk to you about my report.
Oh, yes, your report.
Listen, I just think you should know that, uh, reports are really not my thing, okay? But I'm still a heck of a typist, and I could, uh, file like the wind, and your personal errands, my personal errands.
Carrie, your report was excellent.
Really? Yes.
You know, I had a good feeling about it.
Good work, kiddo.
And, you know, any time you have an idea, I wanna hear it.
I really value your input.
What? No, it's just that I've never had my input valued before.
I'm surprised, because you're obviously talented, and you've got a lot of potential.
You know, some of the partners are coming down for a conference call with our Chicago branch in about 20 minutes.
We get a deli spread and kind of make it a working dinner.
You're welcome to sit in if you like.
Really? Unless you have to get home.
Home? Um no.
No, no.
Call, damn it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hello? Carrie? Yeah, listen, honey- You're going to sleep now.
And when you wake up, you're gonna be in my tummy.
And so will some of you.
What? Look, don't hang up.
Is this part of the signal? No, listen, I just found out that I have to work late again tonight.
No! Honey, I'm sorry, but my boss wants me to stay for an important conference call.
Carrie, you promised we'd do this tonight together.
I- Can't you just get out of it? I- I wish I could, but I can't.
What can I say? I've got another nightmare job, you know? All right, see you later.
Mine, one-ply.
Yours, two-ply.
Where's my second ply? Arthur, you can have a steak now, okay? You happy? I'll be happy when I have a roach motel under my sink too.
All right, well, I already pulled all the comps for all the properties in the areas.
I just need you to, um, get the tax records, okay? Oh, you already got them? Oh, well, you're the best.
Thank you.
Listen, I'm sorry I'm so hyper.
It's just my first time as team leader.
Okay, bye-bye.
Team leader.
Yay, honey's home.
Hi, big guy.
Come here.
Oh, that's the good stuff.
Sorry I'm late again tonight.
Yeah, it's, like, uh, been every night this week.
Yeah, I know.
That boss of mine is killing me.
I heard you on the phone there talking about being team leader.
Huh? Oh, yeah, that.
Well, you know.
You know how what they say, crap runs downhill? Well, meet the bottom of the hill.
Very unhappy about this.
I gotta tell you, on the phone there, you didn't seem that unhappy.
Oh, well, that's just me putting a good front, you know, for those idiots, if I wanna keep my job, you know? 'Cause if we didn't have bills to pay, pop-pop-pop-pop! You know what I'm sayin'? All right.
Good night, baby.
Ah! Whoa.
Yeooh! Yeah! Oh! You know what? This game really blows, Spence.
No, it doesn't.
Danny and I were playing in the apartment.
We had a lot of fun, right? Nah, it blew there too.
Guys, look, you just gotta give it a chance, get into it.
Ready? Look, high pop fly.
Whoo! You- You guys never wanna try anything new.
You didn't even give Nerf Bowling a chance.
Yeah, sorry if I didn't want to roll a sponge into 10 other sponges.
Why are you in such a bad mood? Look, I don't wanna talk about it, all right? You want one of my neck rubs? You want me to leave? It's not you guys, all right? It's Carrie.
I mean, she's working late every night.
Acting weird.
Sneaking phone calls.
You think she's cheating on you? No, I don't think she's cheating.
I think she likes her job.
And what's wrong with that? It's just not natural.
I mean, who likes their job? I do.
Really? You like working in a subway token booth? Yes, I do.
Didn't you tell me someone peed under your door? Yeah, but it was a girl.
I had a job I loved once.
I was a DJ at a strip club.
If you loved it so much, why aren't you still there? Ah, apparently some of the strippers said I was making them feel "uncomfortable.
" Oh, hey, guys.
Hey, where are you going? I'm going to spinning class.
I thought you were going to the Mets game.
Oh, it doesn't start till 1:30.
Yeah, there's a ceremony for a peanut vendor who fell out of the upper deck.
Pretty tough guy, though.
He actually finished his shift.
I'm just gonna go to the gym and then maybe a little "shop till you drop.
" Charge it.
Okay, I'll see you later.
Car? Yeah? You look a little lumpy there.
Yeah, that's why I'm going to the gym.
No, what do you got going on under there? What are you wearing? Stop it.
You friends are here.
Oh, my God, you've got work clothes on.
You're sneaking to work on a Saturday.
I can't believe you! Well, I wouldn't have had to sneak around if you had the decency to go to that stupid peanut vendor's tribute.
And after all the peanuts you've eaten.
Look, Doug, the only reason I was doing that is because you've been so upset that I had to work so much.
I didn't wanna upset you more.
That right? Yeah, but if my boss says I have to go to work on a Saturday, I have to go.
Okay, you didn't have to work.
You wanted to work.
Admit it.
You love your job.
Okay, yes, yes, I love my job.
I knew it! I love the people, I love how I'm treated, I love that I'm on the coffee list.
I love everything about it.
I don't even know you.
Why do I have to defend myself? I mean, I should apologize for being happy at work? Yes, 'cause while you're at work, I'm stuck here with your father, who by the way is now demanding a diaphragm for his nightstand.
Look, I know I've been neglecting you, and I feel bad, but we're talking about my career here.
Career? Ooh.
Somebody's got a career now.
Oh, Her Majesty the Queen has a career.
Queens don't have careers, moron.
And you know what? It would be nice if you could stop for one second and think about me here.
But I guess that's just not a Doug Heffernan thing, is it? So apparently my tartar doesn't need to be controlled.
For your information, I was thinking of you.
Oh, really? How ya figure? I just didn't want you to get hurt.
You know what they say: Goals plus time equals heartbreak.
How would you know anything about goals? I do, okay? Look- You know- You don't think I could've had a career? I decided not to.
And you know why? Why? Because I thought it was more important to work on this.
Getting fatter? No, our relationship.
Well, you've clearly done a bang-up job on that.
Oh, okay, you know what? That's it.
All bets are off.
What is that supposed to mean? I'll tell you what it means.
I'll stop working on this and start working on my career.
That's right, my career.
Getting that big promotion, moving up, making the big bucks.
How would you like that, huh? I would love that.
Oh, it's on, baby.
It's on! Sir, you-? You got a moment? Yeah, I know, Heffernan.
The machine's out of Milk Duds.
A guy's coming tomorrow.
It's not, uh It's actually not about that.
It's not? What is it, then? Where is Doug Heffernan going? You're going to, uh Brooklyn.
No, I meant in my career.
You know, I've been here like 10 years, and I just I think I deserve the chance to- To move up.
Heffernan, last week I asked if anybody wanted to apply for assistant supervisor, I believe that your response was, uh You gotta- You gotta relax your lower lip.
It's, uh Doug, just- Just go get on your route, huh? Look, sir, I'm gonna level with you.
I'm gonna need you to give me some kind of promotion here.
Why? I had a big fight with my wife about her moving up in her job and I told her that I could too.
Oh, you really painted yourself into a corner on that one.
It doesn't even have to be big.
Just something I could take home and, you know, use to make her feel like crap.
Let me see.
Oh, well, you know, the union says gotta get somebody to organize the CPR and a safety program.
See, that would be great.
Can it have a title? Uh, uh, uh, how about safety monitor? How about safety chief? How about you get your ass in your truck, 'cause I'm sick of your face? Safety chief.
Okay, tilt head back and begin chest compressions.
Damn it, Alvarez, don't you die on me.
Oh, sure, there's no sex doll for me, is there? Okay, Arthur, it's a CPR dummy.
You don't fool me.
Look at that lifelike skin, those full, pouting lips.
Look, uh, Carrie's not home yet, so I sent out for Chinese.
Don't need it.
I'll be enjoying a delicious Kobe steak, one that you're not getting a bite of.
Okay, you know what? That's not Kobe steak.
Read the label, you illiterate baboon.
One hundred percent Kobe beef.
Okay, you wrote that with a ballpoint pen.
And you misspelled "beef.
" You're still not getting any.
Hey, did I come home a little early? No, I was just getting up to speed on my new I.
position, safety chief.
That's right, safety chief.
Really? Yep.
I'm in charge of everything safety and first-aid related.
All urine testing goes through me.
All? Wow.
"Wow" is right.
I've been trying to get ahead for like a day and already I got this.
I'm gonna leave you in the dust.
Look, Doug, I know you only did this out of spite toward me.
But whatever the reason, I'm really happy you're trying to better yourself.
I just hope you keep it up.
Kids, I was cutting the gristle from my Kobe steak, and I seem to have cut my thumb quite badly.
Oh, Dad, let me take a look- Whoa, whoa, I will handle it.
I'm safety chief.
Come on, Arthur.
Come on, Doug- Fine.
Okay, work this right out right now.
Let me see here.
"Burns, choking, lacerations.
" Where's cuts? "Lacerations" is cuts.
Handling it.
Got it.
Okay, here we go.
What are you planning on doing, Douglas? Okay, uh, let's see here.
It says to apply bandage as shown.
You have to disinfect it before you put the bandage on.
Don't you have a team to lead somewhere? Ow, you're making it bigger! Would you-? Relax, okay? I'm just gonna get my tape.
Just hold that right there, would you? If I don't make it, the box under my bed belongs to a friend.
I swear.
All right, enough of this.
No, I got it.
I will handle it.
Ah, crap.
That's the wrong stuff, okay? It's the right stuff.
Okay, if it's the right stuff give me some then, 'cause I need a little over here.
Look, I'm sorry I stepped in down there, but it's just- I didn't want my dad to, you know, bleed to death.
But that doesn't mean you're not still safety chief.
I'm no safety chief.
They wouldn't have given you that badge if you weren't up to the job.
They didn't give it to me, all right? I had it made at a Kinko's.
All right, what can I do to get things back to the way they were? Hate your job.
Honey, I want to, but I just don't.
Why does this bother you so much? It's just we've always been people who work 'cause we had to work.
You know, we gave so we could spend the other 40 hours here, home, together.
Doug, a week has more than- Never mind.
Doug, just because I love my job doesn't mean I don't love my time here with you.
Yeah, but when you come home from a job you hate, being with me is like a step up, you know? Now when you come home you're like, "Hey, I'm home.
Oh, that's right.
This place sucks.
" Come on, that's crazy.
It's not your problem, you know.
I'll have to get used to you coming home all happy and fulfilled and on the coffee list.
Doug, you're overreacting.
I'll always love coming home to you.
And besides, being on the coffee list is no treat.
They go to this really fancy Italian restaurant where the coffee's really bitter.
Really? I mean, the coffee's bad? Yeah, really bad.
I mean, coffee's the first thing you have in the morning, so if that's bad, that gets your day off to a crappy start, huh? Yes, yes, a really crappy start.
That is too bad.
Yeah, it's the worst.
What else you got? Um Oh, one of the drawers on my desk sticks, so I gotta yank on it, and then the whole thing comes out.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, and then they hired this new guy.
Really sleazy.
He is always rubbing up against me in the copy room.
That's awesome.
Listen, you're not just saying this to make me feel better, are you? No, no, I mean, the guy is- Is a total perv.
His hands are all over me.
It makes me feel dirty and cheap and violated.
I love you.
Ahh! Works every time.