The King of Queens s07e09 Episode Script

Cologne Ranger

This is messed up.
Telling us we're going to Cooper's, then dragging us to the mall.
We're going to Cooper's, okay? As soon I get Carrie her anniversary present.
You should get her a massaging foot soaker.
I got one, and mine feel like butter.
Okay, thanks for ruining butter for me.
Come on.
Do you have any idea what you're gonna get her? I know exactly what I'm getting her.
She actually circled the earrings in this ad.
Then she sketched out a map of the mall so I don't get lost.
Look, see the "X" at Cinnabon there? "You are probably here.
" Fredrico DeMali? No.
Doug Heffernan.
Oh, no.
I was asking if you'd like to try our new Fredrico DeMali cologne.
No, thanks.
I'm good with my Midnight Steel.
Midnight Steel? Isn't that kind of '90s? Actually, '80s.
Come on, try it.
I mean, you wouldn't still wear the clothes you wore in the '80s, would you? All right, yeah.
I'll take a blast.
Wow! That smells awesome.
Goes great with your body chemistry.
Really? She's right.
That's a winner.
Oh, my God.
You smell yummy.
Okay, I'll take the biggest bottle you have.
Oh! Ten of clubs.
Miracle card.
Gin! That's 80 bucks you owe me.
I know.
You don't have to rub my face in it.
Douglas, he's rubbing it in my face again.
Hey, don't know what it is, but I hope I'm upstairs before the rubbing starts.
One more game, double or nothing.
No, Arthur, I'm not playing until you pay me the 80 bucks.
I told you before, just put it on my tab.
Why can't you get that through that pineapple-shaped head of yours?! Okay, you know what? When you win, I pay right away, and when I win, you don't pay, and you insult my head.
Are you insinuating I'm not good for the money? No, I'm not insinuating.
You don't pay.
Then you are insinuating it.
Hey, there, lucky lady.
Hey, honey.
I was thinking for our anniversary, we should go to Chez Henri.
It's this really romantic French restaurant.
Or we do a bunch of Jell-O shots and bowl drunk.
We did that for my birthday.
Come on, baby.
Do it for me.
All right.
All right.
All right.
Oh, great.
Thank you.
What is that smell? Oh, I was at the mall today, and I treated myself to a new cologne.
Fredrico DeMali.
Gotta be honest with you, honey.
That one's rough.
No, no.
You just gotta get in there.
Yeah, I was in there, okay? Now, Midnight Steel.
Now, that's your scent, honey.
All right, for our anniversary, I think you should wear the blue suit.
The brown one's nice, but it still has grass stains on it.
How did you do that again? Okay, you know what? For the last time, I was at that funeral, and a softball game broke out.
It happens.
All right.
What are you doing, hon? I want you to get the full effect.
Just let it mix with my body chemistry.
And I already told you that cologne: swing and a miss.
That's not what other people say.
What other people? Oh, Deacon and Danny, and, oh, well, this girl at the mall said I smelled yummy.
Well, I don't care what some skank at the mall thinks, okay? You don't wear cologne for other women.
You wear it for me.
That's why I have you wear Midnight Steel, because I like it.
All right, so take the cologne back to the mall and get your money back.
Okay, babe? Thanks.
Ah, Spencer.
Oh, Arthur.
What did you want me to come down here for? You said you want me to pay you back, so I'm paying you back.
Where's my money? I'm not paying you in money.
That's crass.
I'm paying you with the magical bliss that is American cinema.
Arthur, I'd rather have my money.
Well, I'd rather be drinking mai tais with the Lennon Sisters, but that ain't gonna happen.
Now follow me.
Wait, Arthur, the entrance is right here.
That's the sucker's way in.
Arthur, I'm not doing this.
It's illegal.
It's stealing.
It's not stealing.
They build this into the price, like shoplifting.
What if we get caught? Oh, sprout some figs, will you? Let's do it.
Okay, as soon as the usher's gone, we'll grab our seats.
So there's no confusion, I'm an aisle man.
Yeah, whatever.
Okay, let's do it.
What's up, Crime Dawg? How come you never do that for me? Huh? You know, nicknames.
Crime Dawg, Doug Town, D- Unit.
How come you never do it for me? What do you wanna be called? Well, I'm not supposed to come up with it.
You're supposed to come up with it.
I don't wanna come up with it.
Well, why not? You do it for him.
Just come up with a nickname for me.
How about Whiny Beyotch? Thank you.
Here's your hot wings.
Hey, what happened to that great cologne you had on yesterday? Oh, I, uh, decided not to wear it today.
I went back to my old Midnight Steel.
Oh, yeah.
My dad wears that.
You're not wearing the DeMali anymore? No.
You know what? Carrie didn't like it.
Well, if the scent's up for grabs, I'll take it.
It's all yours, man.
Boy, when I was married we had our own troubles, but my wife never told me how to smell.
No, she was too busy taking "naps" with the gardener.
She wasn't taking "naps" with the gardener, all right? She was taking "naps" with the landscaper.
The gardener was the lookout.
Anyway, I'm sorry Carrie banned DeMali from you, but, hey, your loss is my gain.
And he wasn't just a landscaper.
He was also a licensed contractor.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, back it up here.
She doesn't ban me from things, okay? I decide.
Okay, so one day, you woke up and decided to throw out your PlayStation? No, that was Carrie, but she was right.
I was headed for some serious thumb trouble.
Well, how about the football pool, the go-cart, and your, uh, red cowboy boots? I loved those boots.
And you loved your mustache.
Oh, my God.
Little by little, she's been taking over my world.
It's not really little by little.
It's more like big, decisive chunks.
How long have you guys known this was going on? I guess it's been about, uh, Well, let me tell you both something.
Okay? It ends here.
I'm sorry, man, but I'm taking my scent back.
And I'm going home right now to take my life back.
Right after I finish my wings.
You and I have to have a little talk.
Yes, we do, Doug.
Do you know what I found in your pants pocket in the hamper today? The car insurance payment that I asked you to mail three weeks ago.
Now, tomorrow at work, I'm gonna have to spend my entire lunch hour on the phone with the insurance company to straighten this out.
I will mail out all the bills from now on.
Okay? As a matter of fact, don't touch the mail at all ever.
Okay? You can run, but you cannot hide.
All right, I'm headed out, and I will pick up your suit from the dry cleaners, okay? Mm.
Wow, great.
Sounds like I'm gonna be the sharpest-dressed guy at Chez Henri.
You know, in my weight class.
All right, I'm late.
I gotta go.
Love you.
Man, I can't believe you stood up to Carrie like that.
I didn't think you had it in you.
Oh, I got it in me and on me.
I am DeMali-licious.
So she wasn't even mad? I didn't give her a chance to get mad.
I said, "I'm wearing the cologne, and deal with it, woman.
" So, what's next? You gonna bring back those red cowboy boots? Hey, I want 'em back, they're back.
My feet, my rules.
Here you go.
Mm, mm.
These wings smell good.
Not half as good as you.
Well, in about two minutes, I'm gonna smell like both.
What's the usher doing? He's groping an old lady.
He's helping her to a seat.
So is this instead of paying me the money you borrowed? He takes the price of the ticket off of your tab.
Oh, no, no.
Arthur, I'm low on rent.
I need cash.
Well, bring your landlord down, and you can pay off your rent in movies.
He won't take anything but cash.
Trust me.
That usher keeps staring at us.
He's staring at you because your head is shaped like a pineapple.
My- My head is not shaped like a pineapple.
If anything, it's shaped like a honeydew.
Oh, you wish.
I'm gonna go to the concession stand and get some candy.
No need.
Spooner is open for business.
You expect me to buy candy from you? No, you don't actually buy it.
He just knocks the price off your tab.
Milk Duds, please.
Excuse me.
Evening, my good sir.
How goes the ushering? Fine.
Listen, I don't recall seeing you three come in.
We like to keep a low profile.
We're celebrities.
Enjoy the show.
Hey, babe.
That's a nice pen over here.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, real nice.
I like it.
Well, good.
You can keep it.
Hey, babe, why don't you come over here and read the sports section? Sounds good.
Just, uh, gonna grab a snack first.
Just getting a snack.
So good.
Oh, Doug? Yeah? Don't forget to rub some peanut butter on your wrists.
I like peanut butter.
I can't believe you.
Sneaking around, wearing the cologne that I specifically asked you not to wear.
I only wore it when you wouldn't be around, and then when I came home, I washed it off, and I put on the stuff you liked.
I mean, it never affected you.
Oh, I see.
So if I went out and had an affair, that'd be okay, as long as I washed afterwards? Absolutely.
I assumed you've been doing that for years.
Doug, this is not funny.
Oh, come on.
I know you want me to feel bad about this, but I don't.
Okay, you control every aspect of my life, and I'm sick of it.
What? That's ridiculous.
No, it isn't, Carrie.
You tell me what to wear, uh, what I can eat, what presents to get for you, even what I say.
That is not true.
Oh, no? Then why aren't I allowed to say the expression, "for all intensive purposes," hm? Because it's "intents and purposes," moron.
Look, Doug, come- Honey, listen to me.
I know you like the cologne, but I asked you not to wear it out of respect for me, because that's what respect.
I'm the one who has to sacrifice.
That's what it feels like.
That's not true.
How about when we first met? Huh? I had a certain look that men found attractive.
Slutty? That was the look, yes.
Point is, you told me it made you insecure, so I gave it up.
You should've given it up.
You looked like a Van Halen groupie.
And you used so much hair spray, we couldn't light a match for a week.
It was like- The point is, Doug, I stopped for you.
You know what? I like this cologne, and I'm taking a stand.
Oh, this is where you're gonna take a stand, on how you smell? How about taking a stand on securing our financial future, or finally getting healthy so you can live past 40? Nah, sticking with smell.
Okay, you know what, Doug? You're right.
We shouldn't control each other.
You know, tomorrow night is our 10th anniversary, and I am going to have dinner at Chez Henri, and you don't even need to show up.
Oh, believe me, I'm showing up.
Five of those 10 years are mine.
And you know what? For all intensive purposes, this conversation, she's over.
Hey! Ahh! Aah! Um, I'll take the Sour Patch Kids.
Okay, cross $4 off my tab, please.
Yesterday these were $3.
All right, fine.
Four dollars.
Okay, they're dimming the lights.
Usher's making his last pass through.
Well, well, well.
What have we here? They made me do it.
He made us do it.
I just wanted my rent money.
Let me ask you, what tipped you off? I smelled that cologne.
Oh, good going, Arthur.
It smells good.
What is that? If I scored you a bottle, would you let me skate on this one? Good evening, sir.
Heffernan, party of two.
My wife's coming from work, so she'll be here in a couple minutes.
Right this way.
I see you noticing the boots.
Heh, heh.
It's gonna make a little statement, you know? Show the wife who's boss.
How delightful.
Thank you.
You look nice.
Yeah, you know what? I feel nice.
Kind of takes me back to when we first met.
It's like a stroll down memory lane.
Yeah- Oh.
I see you found them.
Yes, I did.
By the way, there's a dead squirrel in the attic.
Good to know.
Oh, you know what? I feel like I'm losing a little height here.
I'll just go ahead and fix that right now.
Carrie, don't you do that.
I will do it.
And don't you control me, Doug.
You want to play it that way? Yeah.
You know what? Feeling a little low on DeMali.
Don't be ridiculous.
Oh, is that ridiculous? Yeah.
Oh, really? Okay.
Oh, please.
Please don't do this.
I'll do it.
Stop yourself.
Yeah, look at that, huh? Ooh, your menu's stinky.
Stop being ridiculous.
Aah! Ow! Aah.
What are we doing here, Doug? I can't see.
Honey, look, I'm sorry if I come off controlling, it's just because I love you, and I just want what's best for you.
I love you too.
I'm sorry, Car.
How about this? If I go back to my old cologne, can I get my PlayStation back? Will the boots go back in the attic? Soon as you get rid of the squirrel.
Happy anniversary.
Happy anniversary.
I love you.
Let's just have a nice meal.
I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Yeah, saw it coming.
All right.
Sorry about that.
Here you go, sir.
I'll take that when you're ready.
So have you enjoyed your dinner? Oh, it was fabulous, Arthur.
Best meal I ever had.
It's the least I can do after letting you two take the fall at the movie theater.
Well, this more than makes up for it.
As far as I'm concerned, we are even.
Yeah, your slate is clean.
Now every man for himself.