The King of Queens s07e13 Episode Script

Gorilla Warfare

Okay.
You didn't pause the movie.
You didn't ask me to.
I shouldn't have to ask.
If someone leaves the room, you press pause.
I mean, we're not animals.
You only missed a minute.
Wait a second, they're in Egypt now.
How the hell did they get out of Jersey? All right, fine.
I will rewind it.
Great.
I-I just saw Nigel get killed in reverse.
Well, what do you want me to do? You stop and then rewind.
Then I'm gonna go too far.
That's a small price to pay.
O- o-okay.
You know what? New rule.
Someone leaves the room, you press pause.
Yeah.
All right.
Hello.
Oh, hey, Lisa.
Yeah, I have it in my address book.
Hang on one second.
Yeah.
Mm.
Yeah.
What? The wedding's off? Oh, my god.
Tell me everything.
Okay, new rule.
Doug.
Doug, I am trying to talk to you.
What do you need? I- I-I just need more hot sauce for my wings.
You have plenty right there.
Are you kidding me? Look at my hands.
They're almost clean.
Sh- Should look like I just delivered a baby.
Anyway, as you may or may not know, it's almost Valentine's Day- Yeah- Excuse me, could I get- Okay, that was intentional right there.
Look.
Please try and focus.
Now, Valentine's Day is coming up, and we've been kind of slacking off, and I thought we could do something special.
Do you any id- Okey-dokey.
You finished with this? Thank you.
Okay.
There.
Great, thank you.
Now I can focus, all right.
I'm all yours, baby.
Lay it on me.
Okay, good.
So, Valentine's Day Hold that thought.
I just gotta get a refill here.
Oh, my God.
Oh, jeez.
Danny's here.
So? Ah.
Some girl dumped him, and he's all depressed.
Depressed and annoying.
That's a rough combo.
Hey, guys.
Hi, Danny.
What you up to? Ah, you know, just grabbing a cold one by myself.
Don't need any lady dragging me down.
All alone, just the way I like it.
Love my alone time.
In fact, if you want- you know what - take her.
Get her out of here.
I'm kidding.
I'll see you tomorrow, man.
Join us.
Come on, join us.
Oh, yeah, okay, thanks.
You wanna order something to eat? Uh, nah.
Just gonna drink till they call me a cab.
It's been working pretty well.
So Doug tells me you and the girl you were dating broke up? God, I really thought Porsche was the one, you know? Then I found out she was stripping.
Really? Yeah.
And not even in a club.
Just in general.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
I mean what was it about Doug that attracted you? Actually, Danny, very common question.
Um Oh, please.
You wanted me from the moment you saw me in my mesh shirt and white jeans.
Yeah.
You're thinking about it right now.
You're welcome, baby.
Actually, that mesh shirt made you look like a bag of onions.
Sweet onions.
That you loved to peel.
And they wouldn't make you cry because they, uh I'm done.
Actually, Danny, what attracted me to Doug was that he was, um He was a nice guy, and he made me laugh.
And, um he surprised me.
Really? How? Well, um, one night, when we were first dating - Oh.
What? It's adora- We were dating, and I wasn't totally sold on him yet.
And we're just out walking, and he gets real silent.
And I turn to him and I go, "What's the matter?" And he says, um No, you tell him.
It's nothing! Tell him.
Tell him.
All right.
I just said, "You didn't just save my life, brown eyes you made my life worth saving.
" Isn't that beautiful? Truck driver, poet.
Somebody signed up for the premium package.
Yes, I did.
And you know what? That line just showed me that Doug wasn't just this big, goofy jock, you know? You see that right there? Th-that's what I want.
Ah, you know, why can't I find a great girl? I could tell you the truth, but it'd feel like a donkey kick.
You know what it is, Danny? Every girl you meet, you- You say that she's it, you know? I know, I know.
And relationships aren't like that, you know? I mean, sex is important, but you gotta be friends first.
You gotta connect on emotional level.
Really? Yeah.
Right, honey? You know what I need? Some blue cheese.
That's all.
Ah.
Buddy, can I get another one? Just leave the bottle.
Oh.
Hey, Danny.
Holly.
What are you doing here? Oh, my apartment's being fumigated, so I have to be out for the night.
And I just broke up with my boyfriend, so there goes crashing in his van.
And after I just carpeted it.
Ugh! Well, if it makes you feel any better, I just broke up with my girlfriend too.
Well- I thought she broke up with you.
What is it, in the papers? Oh, don't worry about it.
I mean, relationships suck, right, Danny? Ugh.
Tell me about it.
I mean, I'll tell you one guy that'll never let you down though.
Mr.
Samuel Adams.
Mm-hm.
You know who else is always there for you? Mr.
Jack Daniels! Let's go, barkeep.
All right, this will just take two seconds, and we'll get right back to the office.
Oh, no rush.
Wednesday afternoons my boss has his affair.
Thanks a lot.
Hi, can I help you? Yes, hi.
I bought a beer mug here last week, and I want to have something engraved on it.
No problem.
Let me just get my pad.
Okay.
What are you putting on it? Oh, just something Doug said to me when we were first dating.
And, uh, I was just thinking about it yesterday.
What did he say? Oh, well, we were just out walking and out of the blue he said, um, "You didn't just save my life, brown eyes, you made my life worth saving.
" Ohh.
Ohh.
That is so sweet.
Isn't it? I know.
I just wanted to find a cute way to tell him that I feel the same way.
And with the amount of beer he drinks, um he'll see it a lot.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
What would you like on it? Okay.
Uh, right across the front, I would like it to say, "You didn't just save my life, brown eyes, you made my life worth saving.
" That's excellent.
What-? What's so funny? No, it's just- I love that movie.
What movie? McCormick and JoJo? You're saying that line came from a movie? Yeah.
Erik Estrada plays a cop, and he says it at the end to his partner, JoJo.
The monkey? He says it to a monkey? Yeah.
We'll see you back at the office.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah, I'll see you there.
Danny, did you hide my lactose pills again? You know, I'm glad you think my condition is so funny.
Oh.
Hey, Spence.
Holly? Hey.
Good morning, buddy.
Okay Oh, hey, I just wanna say thanks again for last night.
Oh, hey.
Thank you so much for everything.
See you guys later.
Hey, nice P.
J.
s there, buddy.
I like the Western theme.
What do you got, a little bucking bronco there? Ooh! I kid 'cause I'm in love.
Did Holly spend the night? No, no, no.
She just came here this morning to put on her shoes.
Yeah, she spent the night.
Why? Well, her apartment's being fumigated.
I told her she could crash on my couch.
And then she- She makes up some story about it having a busted spring that made her feel uncomfortable.
There is a busted spring.
Anyway, point is that, uh, you know, I was gentlemanly enough to, uh, give her refuge in my bedroom.
Oh, my God.
So you guys actually slept together? Yup.
Emphasis on slept.
I- Wait- So wait a minute.
So you guys didn't- No.
No, we did not.
We didn't touch all night.
What are you bragging about? See, relationships aren't just about sex.
You gotta be friends with someone.
You gotta connect emotionally, you know.
And the fact that she did not sleep with me proves she's into me as a person.
Hey.
I was thinking about what you said.
You wanted to do something special for Valentine's Day.
Well, what says I love you more than seeing a Van Halen cover band followed by a candlelit dinner at the restaurant of your choosing? As long as they serve chili.
Okay.
We'll see.
What's all this? Oh, I just got us some takeout from Shanghai Gardens, and I rented us a movie to watch.
Oh.
Cool! Yeah.
What'd y-? What'd you get? Oh, just a little movie from the '80s that caught my fancy.
McCormick and JoJo.
Hang on, JoJo.
Hang on! McCormick, get the hell outta there! JoJo's here.
No way- This doesn't look like the beginning.
No, Doug, it's more like the end.
Don't you die on me.
Don't you leave me! Let me tell you something.
You didn't just save my life, brown eyes, you made my life worth saving.
Case you were wondering, JoJo makes it.
I can't believe you! Take it easy, Carrie.
Doug, do you know how humiliated I was? I mean, there I was bragging about how romantic my husband is, about how beautiful this line was.
And a clerk in the store tells me it was originally said to a monkey! A monkey that knows karate.
Oh, my God.
And when I think about all the times I told this story.
People must think I'm an idiot.
Carrie, hardly anyone saw McCormick and JoJo.
It came out the same time as Turner and Hooch and just got steamrolled.
Let me ask you a question, Doug.
When you call me brown eyes, are you thinking about me or the monkey? Almost always you.
Okay, that's- I'm kidding! Come on- This happened I've done tons worse stuff since then.
Doug, you don't understand.
Okay, when you said that line to me, it was at a time when I wasn't sure about us.
I didn't know if I wanted to get serious with you.
And do you know that there was a guy that was interested in me who was a med student at Columbia and on the rowing team.
Today he's an orthopedic surgeon in the city.
But I chose you.
That's gotta sting.
The point is, Doug, I really liked you, but that line put it over the top.
I mean, when you could reach down a- and come up with something so heartfelt and beautiful.
I mean, that really told me something about you.
But it turns out it was just a lie.
I- I stole the line, oh- But you know what? Let me tell you something.
I've said so many other beautiful things that were all me.
Really? Like what? I- Just last week at Deacon and Kelly's.
Are you talking about when you said I would make a good-looking guy? Yeah.
You throw on a denim jacket and you cut your hair short, you got a nice Ralph Macchio thing going.
And you think that's beautiful.
It's pretty solid.
Look, Carrie, we've been married for 10 years, and it's working.
You know, so I stole a line from a movie.
Who cares? Who cares? That's the way you feel? I- I mean that in a good way.
I mean, look, when we first met, we had to be at our best.
But now it's like I'm fat, you're mean, who cares? I care.
Oh, okay, I understand what this is about now.
All right, all right, I'm getting it now.
You're just- You're gonna bust my chops till I come up with another line.
No, Doug, I don't want another line, okay? Oh, well, too bad, 'cause you're getting one.
Well, you better get moving.
Blockbuster closes at 10.
I don't need Blockbuster.
This is gonna be all me.
It's gonna be so touching and heartfelt, you're gonna feel like a piece of crap.
A piece of crap! Hey, guy.
Hm.
Uh, well, this is awkward, 'cause I didn't get you anything.
Funny.
It's for Holly.
You got her a Valentine's Day gift? Does she even know? I have a call in to her.
But she hasn't called you back.
All part of the dance.
Is this a two-person dance or Okay, look, y-y-you wanna see me talk to her? 'Cause I'll call her right now.
Ah, phone machine.
She's probably screening.
Oh, hey, Hol, it's, uh- It's me.
Are you there? Pick up.
If you're there, pick up, Holly.
It's me.
Pick up.
Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up- Uh, I got about 70 dead cockroaches under the bed, and I think you might have some rat droppings behind the radiator.
Hey.
Are your eyes blue? If you want 'em to be.
So uh, tag, you're it.
She's probably out getting my Valentine's Day gift.
Yeah.
That's probably what she's doing right now.
God.
Oh.
Okay.
I think I know what's going on here.
You're down about my relationship with Holly because you don't have anyone right now.
Danny, I- Oh.
And here I am, walking around, bragging and showing off the fantastic bear I got her.
Okay, you're completely delusional.
Oh.
You are in so much pain, buddy, aren't you? Don't worry.
It'll happen for you.
One of these days, you'll have exactly what I have.
Okay, how about this? "Carrie "my love for you "is good.
" All right, come on, concentrate.
If my love for you was a season it would be fall 'cause I fell f-for you.
I- it would be autumn, 'cause my love is automatic.
Oh, my God, you sound like a gay serial killer, man.
Let me help you out.
I'm a wordsmith.
No help, okay? That's how I got in trouble the first time.
My God, I got nothing here.
Look at this, I-I got rhymes.
That's all I got.
"Love, dove.
"Hitler, Bette Midler.
" What the hell am I doing? Hey, Doug, do you get any reception in here? Oh, man, your phone's fine.
Holly's not gonna call.
Yes, she is.
I'm your valentine.
Just give me the bear, and let's end the charade.
Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.
How about this? "You're not just who I love, you're who I am.
" That's actually pretty good.
And you came up with that all by yourself? Yeah, I did.
I mean, "You're not just who I love, you're who I am.
" That- That's it.
That's my line.
It's Holly.
Anyone home? Well, well, well.
Look who finally tracked me down.
Guess you can kiss the bear goodbye.
Hey, Hol.
Oh, hey, Carrie.
I just stopped by to drop off a Valentine's Day card and my bill for your dad.
Oh, okay.
Thanks.
Hey, we better get moving.
I wanna wash this pesticide out of my hair before we hit Bennigan's.
Oh, hey, Carrie.
This is Rick.
He's my exterminator.
How nice.
So you happy with your current bug guy? He's fantastic.
I'll keep him in mind.
Thank you.
Hey, Hol.
Hey, Danny.
Aw.
Cute bear.
Bye.
Bye.
Ho- Holly! Carrie, I got something to tell you.
You're not just who I love, you're who I am.
Holly! Hey! You stole my line! Danny just stole my line! What? You're not just who I love, you're who I am.
That's my line.
Doug, I told you, I don't want another line.
You're just saying that 'cause Danny just said it.
'Cause if I would've said it, it would have looked like this: I'm telling- You'd be cooking me eggs in lingerie.
Okay.
Whatever you say.
Okay, you know what? That- That's it.
Forget it.
I-I-I've had it.
I can't- I can't do this.
There's like Yeah, I know.
Is that the Arby's logo? Part of my process.
"Hitler, Bette Midler"? I don't know what I was doing there, okay.
All I know is I got all these feelings inside in a safe, and I'm trying to get the combo out before the thing goes off.
And I'm, like, duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh- Get it out! 'Cause the love wants to flow.
Doug.
The love- Doug.
Honey.
- paper.
I think I got what I needed.
But, uh, I didn't come up with a great line.
I didn't- Because I didn't want another line.
I just wanted you to do something from your heart, and you did.
I mean, the fact that you were willing to work this hard- I mean this means something to me.
Yeah, but I just- I just wanted to come up with a great line.
Honey.
And I bet you there is gonna be something in here that knocks me right off my feet.
Really? Yeah.
You know, uh, that there Yeah, no.
No.
Yeah.
Mm.
No? No.
See, now I thought- Yeah.
Don't love it.
I don't love it.
Anything? You know what? I'm just gonna go with the Arby's logo.
All right! Here.
Don't tell anybody about this.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Shut up.