The King of Queens s07e15 Episode Script

Deconstructing Carrie

Hey, it's me.
I know you wanted me to get paper towels.
Did you want me to get the kinds with, like, the chickens and ducks on 'em, or? I'll let you make that call, babe.
Okay, I won't let you down.
Okay, love you.
Okay, love you too.
Carrie, wait.
Yeah? I've been thinking about this whole automatically saying "I love you" at the end of phone calls thing.
I was wondering if we could drop it? What? Yeah.
We know how we feel.
We don't have to say it every call.
So you want to stop saying "I love you"? Technically, we don't say "I love you" now.
I mean, we've got it down to, like, "Love ya.
" You know, it's almost gone already.
Oh, we're talking about just dropping the "I love you" just at the end of phone calls.
For now.
You know what? It's- It's not a bad idea, because when we actually do say it, it'll mean that much more.
I mean, it'll really pop.
It'll almost be shocking.
All right.
Well, goodbye.
Hey, it's me.
Yeah? Just wanted to say I love you.
And I love you too.
All right.
All right, love ya.
Love you too.
Douglas, I'm back from the senior center and I have an update on the missing pudding.
Douglas? Hmm.
Hey! Hey, that's my wallet! I thought you was asleep.
I was fakin' it.
Well, it doesn't get much lower than that.
Apparently, it does.
You expect me to steal money from Carrie to buy her own birthday present? I will not do that again.
When are the Micellis gonna be done building that freakin' castle? I mean, knock yourselves out.
You still share an alley with the Jiffy Lube.
Hey, we're all set for your birthday.
I just talked to Paddy down at Cooper's.
He got us a private room.
I mean, it's not totally private.
It's where they keep the foosball table, and actually, there's another party there, but it's a small one.
So I'm turning 35 and we're celebrating that at Cooper's? Last week I said, "What do you want to do for your birthday?" You said, "Don't do anything special.
" Yeah, I meant, don't do anything special like take me to France, not take me to where you have a wing-eater's gold card.
First of all, it's platinum, and they only gave out four, okay? Look, Carrie, Cooper's is just and idea, okay? We can go wherever you want.
Like where? How about the hot new club in the city you were talkin' about? Silk? Yeah.
Let's get silky.
So you want to take me to the hottest club in Manhattan? Yeah.
Now I have two days to lose 10 pounds and 10 years.
Unbelievable! So, uh, how old were you when you went crazy? Son, 35 is a difficult birthday for any woman.
Maybe I better just give her some time, let her cool off.
No, no, no.
Go to her, Douglas.
Go to her.
I used to have gorgeous hair.
I could have sold it.
Nobody would buy this.
Who'd buy this? I could hang a sign at work.
Look, you're obviously going through some stuff right now, Car, and I just want you to know I'm here for you.
You're here for me? You should be because this is all your fault.
My fault? Yeah, you stole my youth.
What? Right.
I would still be young and relatively attractive if I didn't have to pick up after you all the time and wash your big, huge pants and cook you dinner every night.
We do order out a lot.
I have to heat it up, don't I?! Okay, are you okay, or do you need me to go to the drugstore and buy you something from the awkward aisle? No.
It's just that I'm turning 35 and I feel like crap.
Why are you getting so down on yourself? I- I gotta tell ya.
I think you look more beautiful now than the day I even met you- Oh, shut up.
You know what it is, Doug? I'm not getting the feedback that I used to.
I mean, I don't remember the last time I got groped on the subway.
And those construction guys, I walk by them every day and I get nothing from them.
Nothing! I've peaked.
It's all downhill from here.
Come on.
You're being crazy now.
No, it's different for men.
The older you get, the better-looking you get.
You know what? You're the one who should be mad at me.
I mean, I'm not that hot young thing you married.
Oh, Carrie, you're not 19 anymore.
So I love you the way you are right now.
I love everything about you: the little lines around your eyes.
Oh, my God.
I got crow's feet? Sweet mama.
Okay, Arthur, I really have to get going.
But I'm not finished.
Arthur, you've been talking for an hour straight.
I think I'm pretty clear on the fact that lard is the poor man's butter.
Oh, there is one more thing.
This is very difficult for me to ask, but I need to borrow some money.
Arthur, you haven't paid me back the loan for the ostrich farm.
By the way, uh, what's going on with that? Nothing good.
Now, I need to buy a birthday present for Carrie.
Arthur, if you're broke You know, why don't you make her something? You guys do ceramics at the senior center, don't you? Last week, I made an ashtray of a woman lying on her back, but the location of the cigarette nook proved controversial.
Okay, no ashtray.
Oh, I made my mom a collage once and she just flipped.
Really? Yeah, yeah.
You must have old pictures of Carrie, like, when she was a little kid? You just arrange them and frame it and it'll be better than any expensive gift you can get her because it comes from your heart.
I love it.
Now if you'll spot me a 20, I'd love to treat you to lunch.
Hey, you know, now that those people are remodeling, you officially have the crappiest house on the block.
N- Hey, no, no, no.
Come on.
We gotta go.
It's not safe here.
Oh, God, I forgot my jacket.
What's going on? It's just that Carrie's turning 35 on Saturday, and she's freakin' out.
Oh, yeah, Hey, but it'll toughen you up for 40.
Who's talking? Uh, it's just Deac came by to pick me up.
You want to come down and say hello? Yeah, that's gonna happen.
Okay, then, you- You have a good one! I- I tried telling her she looks beautiful and everything.
She just bites my head off, you know? It's like she needs to hear it from someone else.
You want me to tell her? Yeah, I'm not crazy where that might lead.
Deac, you know what? I'll, uh- I'll meet you at work.
I just gotta make a stop first.
Hey, who wants a cold one? Yeah, thanks, buddy, but, uh, we're not really supposed to drink on the job.
Hey, I'm not supposed to put cheese in my cereal.
Doug Heffernan.
Live a couple of doors down.
I got kind of a weird request for you.
Yeah? Yeah.
Uh, this is my wife, Carrie.
You guys recognize her? She walks by here every day on her way to work.
Yeah, I know her.
Remember? She flipped us off yesterday.
That's her.
Anyway, I was wondering if you guys, you know, when she walks by later, wouldn't mind yelling some dirty stuff at her.
What? The thing is, she's turning 35 and she's a little down on herself, so if you guys could tell her that she's hot and yell out all the nasty things you want to do to her and where, she'd be floating on air.
So you want us to sexually harass your wife? Bingo.
You know, we're not supposed to do that kind of stuff.
You can't drink on the job.
You can't harass women? How does anything get built in this country? You know, he does have a point there.
Come on, it would really, really help me out.
So, what do you want us to say? That's all you.
You know, just don't force it.
Just throw it away.
And by the way, you're gonna have a lot to work with, 'cause whether you like the balcony or the basement, she is built to please.
I guess I can say, uh, "Is that a mirror in your pocket? 'Cause I can see myself in your pants.
" Yes.
I like that.
Don't- Don't be afraid to speak up.
Yeah, so something like, uh, "Wait, mamamita, shake those maracas!" Now we're cookin' with gas.
What else you got? I- I could say, "I-I love your hair, and I want to cut it off, and I want to put it in a box.
" Hey, look what's comin' by! Oh, damn, she's hot.
Hey, do fries come with that shake? Whoo! Whoo! Shake those maracas, mama! and then I want you to Oh, yeah! Hey, how was your day? Great.
Hey, how about steak for dinner, huh? Mmm.
And you know what? It has been a while since I made my man some cupcakes.
Look at all the places you've been.
You've had some life.
It has been quite a ride.
Oh, my God.
You were at Woodstock? Yes, I worked security.
It was a magical three days of kicking hippie ass.
Turns out acid really hampers a person's ability to defend themselves.
Tell me about it.
Oh, look.
Here's a really cute picture of Carrie at one of her birthday parties.
Oh, yes.
That's when she turned 6.
I don't see you in any of these pictures, though.
I wasn't there.
I, uh, boycotted that party for reasons well known to her.
Okay, well, I'm sure we can find a cute one in here.
Oh, look.
This is Carrie at high school graduation.
Were you at that? No.
I was at a high school graduation that day, just not hers.
Well, gosh, Arthur, I don't see you with Carrie in any of these pictures.
Well, I was a very busy man.
I was on the road a lot.
I had obligations.
I I was a terrible father.
Oh, no, Arthur.
Yes, those pictures don't lie.
I was too busy chasing the almighty dollar.
Well, it's better than my dad who was too busy chasing the almighty tube of glue.
Why couldn't I have been at her party? Why? Excuse me, Holly.
I need to lie down.
I'm gonna call my dad.
So you bring these guys doughnuts every morning, they yell nasty stuff at your wife, then she comes home happy and makes you a pot roast? Yep.
And the dirtier the talk, the bigger the portions.
I'm tellin' you, man, you are playing with fire.
Hey, boys! Hey.
What's up, Car? Who wants a Manwich? Um, sure.
Honey, I know what I want to do for my birthday.
Bring it.
So I want to go to Silk.
We are so there.
All right, but I wanna do something before that.
Oh, that is happening too.
Stop it, sweetie, stop it.
You know the mountain bikes we have in the garage that we bought and never used? I don't know about never used.
I mean, technically, they are keeping the fuse box shut.
So you- You want to go biking now? Yes.
Remember that day I was feeling so old? Well, I realized that's all in your head.
You gotta think young, you gotta do young things, so Red or blue? The, uh, red one'll help the cars see you.
Come on, Doug! You can do it! It's too steep! You gotta pedal! I know how a bike works! You're in the wrong gear! Oh, God! Oh.
Not good.
Aagh! Hey, Arthur, how's it going? Today's my daughter's birthday and my only gift is a table full of neglect.
Well, maybe not.
Remember how I told you I was dating that guy who works in the photo department at Walgreen's? Nobody likes a braggart, Holly.
What's your point? Well, here's that picture of Carrie blowing out her birthday candles, except look who's got his arm around her now.
Oh, my God, that's me.
But how could that be? I wasn't there.
Well, no.
Josh took another picture of you and digitally superimposed it onto Carrie's birthday picture.
Anybody can do it.
Any witch could do it.
Okay, let's not get bogged down with the details here.
All I'm saying is that any picture you want to put yourself into, Josh can do it for you.
Normally, I don't dabble in the black arts, but it sure would get me out of a pickle.
Red dress, the boy.
I'm gonna throw this out one more time.
There's a Wendy's two blocks away and it's got a playground.
Doug, come on.
We're gonna get in.
I can feel it.
Come on, you used to work at a club.
Why don't you go talk to the guy, bouncer to bouncer? I guess I could do that.
All right, go, go.
Go, baby, go, go, go.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
I'm on the, uh- I'm on the list.
Excuse me.
I'm on the list up here.
I'm on the list.
He's got a special list we gotta do.
What's up? I used to bounce too.
Neon, '91 to '93.
It's Starbucks now.
Like- Like- Like we need more of those.
You know what I'm saying? Every corner.
That's a nice set- Don't touch.
Oh, mama.
Guy lost the list.
What an ass.
Excuse me.
They lost the li- I laid some groundwork is what I did.
He's coming back.
He's coming back.
Uh, you two.
You and you.
Oh, thank you.
All right.
Oh, the thing is it's my birthday and I don't really want to go in without my husband, so You want to go in or out? All right, I'm gonna go get us a table.
I'll meet you in there, honey.
Hi, is there any possible way that I could- Don't touch.
We're both Green Berets.
We're just constantly testing each other.
Come on, baby.
Time to get up.
We only went to bed three hours ago.
What are you- Plenty of time to sleep when we get old.
Come on.
Oh, God, they got that jackhammer working again, huh? Shut it off! Stop it.
Morning, boys.
Hey, watch out what you're doin' with that hose.
This is a family neighborhood.
Okay, baby.
And as for you, let's get goin'.
We have places to be.
What? Where? I made a reservation for brunch at this new place in SoHo.
All right.
And we're gonna ride our bikes there.
What? No, no.
No more biking.
Why? We had fun yesterday.
Carrie, my seat was in me! Doug, I am serious about this.
I don't want to spend Saturday nights on the couch anymore.
I want to live life, but you gotta keep up with me, all right? So, what- What do you want me to do? Okay, well, I want you to be more open to things like taking our bikes to brunch and maybe going to an art gallery.
And I think we should revisit the whole Weight Watchers thing.
Change of plans.
Whoo-hoo! Look what's comin'! Yo, baby, you look hot.
Uh, but not that hot.
Very attractive for a woman your age.
Oh, yeah, I'd like to see you stay home and not go out.
Whoo! Hey, check it out.
Step lightly, chunky.
We fixed that sidewalk.
Yeah, the buffet called.
You win.
You have a mirror in your pocket? 'Cause you are really fat.
What the hell? Get in.
She brought us cupcakes.
Sorry my gift was a little late, darling, but picking and choosing from 35 years of wonderful memories is no easy chore.
Oh, Dad, this is so sweet.
See? There we are together at your sixth birthday party.
Oh, yeah.
We had some marvelous moments.
Yeah, it's just I don't remember you and me riding an elephant.
Or going to the Oscars.
That's why we take pictures Thank you, Daddy.
What? Hey.
Uh, I got a delivery for a Leonard Montclair.
That's my roommate.
I'll take it.
Hey, you're that bouncer from the club.
The one who wouldn't let me in.
Just give me the package.
No, that's all right.
Uh, you know, I'm sorry.
See, the problem is I need the addressee to sign for it, okay? So I'm gonna have to throw you a: "Don't touch.
" Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
No, no.
Don't touch.