The King of Queens s07e20 Episode Script

Catching Hell

Hey.
Hey.
Why are you all dressed up? Well, you told me Carrie got us into her company skybox.
Yeah, but it's still a Mets game.
Why are you going all Cliff Huxtable on me? I've never been in the really fancy seats before, and I'm a little excited.
If I can make your dream come true and make us even for breaking your drill, then that's all that matters.
You told me you were gonna pay for that.
And I am, with the magic of Shea Stadium.
Oh, man.
Well, I guess it's better than when you lost my cell phone and paid me back with the magic of a song written personally for me.
Okay, you didn't like "Get Your Freak On, Deac-on"? All right.
We should get going.
Where's Spence? Oh, he's, uh, gonna meet us there.
He's getting his mom into a tub or out of a tub.
I don't know.
I shut down pretty quick.
Thanks for the tickets, Carrie.
Yeah, listen, I'm schmoozing a very big client tonight, so if you wanna show your appreciation, you keep this one from embarrassing me.
Whoa.
I didn't shave the Mets logo into my chest hair just for you to enjoy.
It's for everyone.
All right.
Come on.
Here you go.
One martini, extra dry.
Thank you, Carrie.
Oh, no problem, and if you're hungry, they have a great spread over there.
They have, uh, mini-quiche, stuffed mushrooms, and if you like living on the edge, ballpark sushi.
Carrie, I truly like getting my ass kissed, but it's a nine-inning game, so pace yourself.
Yeah.
Just following orders.
Ha, ha.
Seriously, though, all sucking up aside, I really admire what you've done with your company.
You've built some of the most beautiful hotels that I can never afford to stay in.
Real-estate development is still a boys' club, but I'm always looking for a talented woman to take under my wing.
Really? That's funny, because I'm actually between wings right now.
Oh, excuse me.
Yeah.
Joyce Robbins.
Oh, I-I have to take this.
Okay, I just want to find my husband.
I want you to meet him.
Where is he? What?! No, those tenants were supposed to be out by Monday.
What?! Oh, you're breaking up.
You put mayo on a hot dog? That's right, my friend.
And one day, so will all of America.
Excuse me.
Come on, man, let's move.
Yeah, I can't.
There's a lot of people.
Oh, God.
You know what? This ain't working.
I'm just gonna crouch and eat.
Whoa, whoa.
Come on, man.
You're better than this.
Come on.
It's not that far.
It's called turning off the water.
Excuse me.
Read me exactly what the court order says.
Excuse me, I just can't, uh No, I can't hear you.
What? Wait- Ugh! Oh! Do you see what you did? I'm very sorry.
I just- I couldn't get by you.
Well, a person with manners would have waited.
That's a good point.
You know what another good point is? Oh, where you going? Where am I going? I gotta rebuild.
Aw, unbelievable.
Oh, this big oaf got mayonnaise and relish all over me.
I mean, who puts mayonnaise on a hot dog? Oh.
This is an $800 Giuseppe Graziano, and now it's ruined.
I could just kill that fat idiot.
Hey, there's the girl.
Oh.
Is this your husband? Uh yes! Yes, it is! Oh.
Hey, honey.
Heh.
Work with me, okay? Um, Doug, this is Joyce Robbins.
Hello.
Very nice to meet you.
Why don't you get acquainted? I'm gonna report that guy to Security.
I'm gonna suggest they TASER him.
Great.
Is that a Giuseppe Graziano? Turn it around.
What? Yeah, that's right.
That was my client! Who? The woman you got your disgusting hot dog all over.
How 'bout she got herself all over my hot dog, huh? That's right! I said it! Doug, you are not going in that box.
So go watch the game somewhere else.
Both of you, out! What did I do? This happened on your watch.
Now, out! Damn! Okay, the roast is in the oven.
The sangria is chilling.
I just think it is so cute you're throwing this dinner party.
Then why are you trying to ruin it?! What? What did I do? These seating arrangements.
What were you thinking? What's wrong with them? Well, for one thing, you've got Lou Ferrigno sitting next to his wife.
You never sit spouses next to each other! Well, I told you, I've never done this before.
That's all right! Don't cry again.
See, I'll put Mrs.
Ferrigno next to Roberto, the bag boy from Waldbaum's.
The sexual tension will be like rocket fuel for the party.
I thought that was what the brownies were for.
Actually, no, I decided against those.
Ferrigno tends to get pretty paranoid.
You put a lot of thought into your dinner parties.
I have to.
I'm host.
I'm chef.
I'm jester.
Everything depends on me.
Well, I'm sure it's gonna work out just fine.
Oh! I should take this one away.
Dr.
Feldman called and said he can't make it.
What? He said he wouldn't feel comfortable coming to the party, seeing as how you're suing him.
That's a separate issue.
Oh, my God.
What are we gonna do? An odd number of guests is dinner-party suicide.
Well, don't you know anyone else? No.
Do you? Yeah, I- I know some people.
Then get someone.
Preferably a urologist.
Hey, how 'bout those two down there? Those look pretty sweet.
Yeah, they are pretty sweet, but I'm not sure we can get past the bacon.
Just go.
What's up, man? What's up, baby? You doing all right? Ha, ha, ha! Alrighty.
Ah! Good old 11 and 12.
Ah.
Ah, feels good.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, uh, I think you're in our seats.
Huh? Yeah.
Oh, um my God.
Is this field box J? Oh, my God.
Is this third base? I am all turned around.
This is third base.
Ah, man.
My bad.
Sorry about that.
It's crazy.
I'm losing it! Losing it! Hey! Ah.
All right.
Let's just go to the upper deck.
Upper deck!? Fine.
Now you're back to owing me for breaking my power drill.
Come on, man.
We'll find some seats down here, okay? What were you doing trying to drill through concrete anyway? Okay, I had a power drill and a few Heinekens.
You do the math.
Look, down here.
Come on.
All right.
Okay.
Here we go.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, these are really sweet.
Yeah.
Whoo! Hey, hey, Beltran's up.
Hey, come on, Carlos! Hey! Come on, C-dog! C- dog, a little big one, baby! Whoo! Yeah.
Someone's throwing baby carrots at me.
That's funny, but we're done now.
Okay, that's it.
Ma'am.
Ma'am.
Ma'am! Hold on a sec.
What is it? I'll tell you what it is.
Your son is throwing carrots at me, okay? Brandon! Enough! Control him.
Take a time-out or something.
I'm sorry, Tina.
Oh, Brandon is throwing carrots at some man who, by the way, could stand to eat a few.
So last Valentine's Day, I come home, Carrie's got the entire place covered in rose petals.
You remember that? Ah, I think I would.
I did do it.
Mmm.
And you know what the best part was? They were silk petals because she knows that I'm allergic to pollen.
Oh, yeah, he is.
If you can imagine, that head gets even bigger.
Stop! Ha, ha, ha! I have to say, for people married 10 years, you seem like newlyweds.
Oh, this one keeps the marriage fresh.
You should see what she does for my Dark Shadows conventions.
Does this whole hot-vampire-chick thing with like a sequined black bustier and motorcycle boots crimson lipstick.
Whew! Excuse me.
Joyce Robbins.
One second.
One second.
Heh.
All right.
What's with all this vampire talk? And why do you have me in a bustier? I'm sorry.
I went to a very private place.
Listen, we only have to get through one ball game as husband and wife, okay? So just stop talking so much, you freak.
This- This whole thing is crazy.
Yeah, well, you can blame your friend Doug for that, okay, and his disgusting love of mayonnaise.
She's coming back.
Okay.
Would you mind getting me another martini? I did get a limo for the night, so I might as well take advantage of it.
Sure.
No problem.
Mmm.
And, uh, sugar? Yeah, hon? Could you get me another Sauvignon Blanc, maybe something from New Zealand? Oh, think you should have another drink? Oh, it got me through the first 10 years.
I must say you're the last person I would ever have imagined was a truck driver.
Needless to say, I get that a lot.
Mmm.
I mean, you know about wine.
You're a Revolutionary War buff.
I've always been drawn to a man of varied interests.
Hey, Car Hey, uh, listen, Spence, I'm sorry I snapped at you.
I really appreciate you doing this, and, uh, I think she's really liking you.
Yeah, I think so.
She just invited me down to her limo to have a drink.
What? She hit on you? What is she doing hitting on my husband? She said I looked tense and it seemed like I was trapped in a loveless marriage.
What!? We're like freakin' newlyweds! We're not actually married- Shut up.
Yes, dear.
Uh, excuse me, Miss Robbins- Oh, Carrie, I want to talk to you about something.
Yeah, I want to talk to you about a little something-something too.
I have a rather big favor to ask.
It involves sending you out of town.
Oh, you wanna send me outta town, do ya? Uh-huh.
And it would be right away.
And where do you wanna send me right away? The Bahamas.
Really? Mmm.
Yes.
We're opening a 5-star resort down there, and I'd love you to be my eyes and ears, you know, check out the spa, the restaurants, the shops.
All expenses paid, of course.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Oh, Carrie, it- It would really help me out a lot.
I mean, assuming your husband could spare you.
What husband? You know what I'm saying? And that's why the Dutch both delight and repulse me.
May I make a toast to our host Arthur.
Thank you, Louis.
I have a toast of my own.
But I'll save it for when we gentlemen have our cigars and brandy out on the driveway, uh? And, Arthur, I just wanna thank you for having me and my Uncle Bernard here tonight.
Ah, yes, Bernard.
Thank you for coming on such short notice.
Holly tells me you're-? You're retired? Yes, yes.
I I cut hair for 45 years.
Well, we're all going to have to hear more about that.
When are we gonna eat? I gotta take my pills.
In good time, George! Oh, Arthur made a lovely roast.
And thank you, Roberto, for giving me the five-fingered discount on the potatoes.
I never knew you could cook, Arthur.
Oh, yes.
I remember the first thing I ever made.
It was a fried bologna sandwich.
That was Elvis' favorite snack.
Ah.
Oh.
I'm not saying he stole the idea from me, but, uh, you do the math.
Actually, Elvis' favorite snack was a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich.
Oh.
Wow.
I'm sorry, but how would a barber know what Elvis' favorite snack was? I used to cut his hair.
You jiving me? No- No, no, it's true.
He was the hairdresser on The Ed Sullivan Show for years.
You mean, you really knew Elvis? Oh, I knew 'em all.
Kate Smith, Alan King, Elizabeth Taylor.
She was even more beautiful in person.
One time I said to her, "Liz, if I ever turn straight, watch out!" Anyway, that's all well and good.
Getting back to the proper way to make a fried bologna sandwich- Did you know The Beatles too? Oh, sure.
You knew The Beatles? I- I gotta say my favorite was Ringo.
He- He was a real sweet- As a matter of fact, he gave me this, uh- This money clip.
Oh, wow.
Ay, que bonito.
Yeah! Ha, ha, ha.
What's the matter? Now he's making faces at me.
You keep making faces like that, your face is gonna stay that way.
That's right.
Trust me.
Happened to my cousin.
Um, sir, would you please stop bothering my son? Uh, he is bothering me.
Are you even supposed to be sitting there? I happen to know that those are Dr.
Epstein's seats.
Uh, I think Uncle Eppie is okay with us sitting here.
Yeah.
It's mine now! Yeah! What's up? What's the matter, four-eyes? Yeah! He took my ball! What is wrong with you?! He's just a boy.
Hey, honey, how's the big game going? How did it go? Did you tell her off? Uh, not exactly.
Um here's what we're gonna do, okay? You're gonna go down to her limo with her, and I'm gonna go to the Bahamas.
What!? Yeah.
Apparently, she likes you so much that she's willing to give me a free vacation just to get rid of me! Wait a minute.
A second ago, you were so insulted.
Now you're gonna pimp out your husband so you can lie in the sun.
Yeah.
So you really want me to go down and have sex with her? I'm not gonna micromanage what you do down there.
Isn't she a little too old for me? She looks 45, tops.
I don't know.
It just doesn't feel right.
Let me go about this a different way.
Who's your favorite character on Star Trek? Squire of Gothos.
Okay.
I was thinking more like the Captain Kirk guy.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Now, when he beams down on a new planet and he meets a half-fish green girl, does he say, "Oh, this doesn't feel right"? No, he takes her behind a rock and he does his business.
Am I right? Technically, that would violate the Prime Directive- Spence, please.
All right, all right! Damn, I got goosebumps.
Where'd you learn to play like that? Listen, when you're gay, you're born knowing how to play at least three show tunes.
Come on, everybody.
Arthur, what a great party.
If I wasn't a gentleman, I'd punch you square in the mouth.
What? What did I do? That uncle of yours.
You pawned him off as some dull barber.
Turns out he's a fascinating homosexual! Arthur, everyone is having a wonderful time.
Yes.
But not because of me.
Does that really matter? Why do you think I got this collection of misfits together? To hear what they had to say?! All right, listen to me, Arthur, I am not gonna let you ruin this dinner party.
Someone is playing footsies with me under the table, and if that turns out to be Roberto, I'd kinda like to see that through.
So dinner is served! Yo corté el pelo de Erik Estrada, Ricardo Montalban, Desi Arnaz, senior and junior.
Wow.
Este hombre es fantástico.
I can't believe you can speak Spanish too.
I once had a lover who was a Spaniard.
Oh.
There you go.
So did I.
Oh, you mean, a Spanish woman.
No.
You think he's the only one here with a fabulous gay past? Arthur Why, I have had encounters with thousands of men: black men, Latin men, bodybuilders! Now let me tell you a story about a confused Army recruit, a bottle of moonshine and a stern but loving drill sergeant.
I was already exhausted from the obstacle course.
Little did I know there was one more hurdle I had to clear.
Oh, yeah.
We're gonna be in the skybox.
It's gonna be great! This sweater cost me 100 bucks.
Serves you right for trying to be somebody you're not.
Okay, you know what? That one had some soda in it! Just give the kid the ball back, man! No! All right? This doesn't bother me.
I'm just enjoying a little baseball.
Come on, first and third, let's see a little action! You're giving the kid the ball! Oh, really? Yeah, really! And how's that gonna happen? Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Yes, hello.
I am flying down to your island next week, and I was wondering, is it too early to book a massage? Who's got strong hands? I'll call you back.
Hey, I was just on the phone with the hotel, and I like what I'm hearing! Oh, actually, about that, you know, I just realized I'm going to be down there in a few weeks anyway, so I'll just check things out myself.
But thanks.
Did you chicken out? No! What happened? You've only been gone for a minute! I- I'd never been in a limo before.
It was very exciting.
And it was more like two minutes.
Exciting, Spence? She's 100 years old.
You said she looked 45.
Yeah.
From space.
I just wanna- I wanna die.
There! There he is! There's the man who ruined my suit.
Hey, Car, isn't that your husband? I'm just gonna grab my purse and go.
So, what's the verdict on that footsie thing? Yea or nay?