The King of Queens s08e14 Episode Script
Apartment Complex
OH, MY GOD.
WHOA.
THAT COULD'VE BEEN UGLY.
ARTHUR, GET UP.
I NEED THE COUCH.
GO DOWN TO BED.
ALL RIGHT.
THERE.
YEAH.
MMM.
HELLO? OH, HI, MISS CONRAD.
YES, I'M PULLING THE LISTINGS RIGHT NOW.
AND LISTEN, I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR THIS OPPORTUNITY.
I WON'T LET YOU-WHAT? AM I USING THE T.
R.
D.
REPORTS? OF COURSE.
I HAVE THEM RIGHT HERE.
I- I'M ALL ABOUT THE T.
R.
D.
s.
OK.
ALL RIGHT, NO PROBLEM.
BYE-BYE.
OH, MY GOD.
I HOPE I LEFT THEM IN THE BATHROOM.
ALL RIGHT, GENTLEMEN.
LET'S PLAY SOME CARDS.
DANNY, YOU GET THE BEER.
SPENCE, HERE.
ORDER UP SOME CHINESE.
YEAH.
DEAC - TUNES, I'M RIGHT ON IT.
OH, HEY.
INSTEAD OF TUNG SING, LET'S TRY SZECHUAN VILLAGE.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE AMAZING.
AS LONG AS THEY CAN MAKE MY DISH.
BEEF WITH BROCCOLI.
WITH? NO BROCCOLI.
HEY.
BIG JAR OF HONEY TIPPED OVER IN YOUR FRIDGE.
WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED HERE? WHAT? WE'RE PLAYING POKER.
AND COULD YOU WATCH THE LANGUAGE IN FRONT OF MY COMPANY? NO.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? DOUG, I NEED THIS ROOM TO WORK, OK? WE HAVE A BIG CLIENT FLYING IN FROM L.
A.
I HAVE TO PULL ALL THE LISTINGS OF OUR CONDOS, CO-OPS, LOFTS, THEN I HAVE TO PROJECT WHAT THE AMORTIZED MORTGAGE WOULD BE- OK, IF YOU'RE TRYING TO BORE US INTO LEAVING, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
DOUG, PLEASE, COME ON.
WHERE ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GO? WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE GARAGE? AGAIN, THERE'S A RACCOON LIVING IN IT.
MY PLACE IS NO GOOD.
THE KIDS ARE STILL UP.
YEAH, WE'RE OUT, TOO.
SPENCE'S MOM HAS A DATE OVER AGAIN.
LOWELL ISN'T A DATE.
HE'S HER PIANO TEACHER.
WE DON'T HAVE A PIANO.
HELLO? HE BRINGS HIS ORGAN, AND SHE PRACTICES ON THAT.
COME ON, HONEY, PLEASE.
I REALLY WANT TO DO A GOOD JOB.
THIS IS A GREAT OPPORTUNITY.
OK, FINE.
YOU KNOW WHAT, GUYS? NO CARDS.
LET'S- YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S JUST GO TO SZECHUAN VILLAGE.
ALL RIGHT? OH, AND F.
Y.
I WHEN YOU'RE AMBITIOUS, I COULDN'T WANT YOU LESS.
OK? ALL RIGHT, SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? HIT ME.
DAMN IT! CAN WE BE DONE NOW? OH, GOD, WHEN DID YOU BECOME SUCH A COMPLAINER? UH, WHENEVER I'M FORCED TO BE FURNITURE.
YOU KNOW WHAT? DEAL 'EM UP.
COME ON.
NAH, I DON'T WANT TO PLAY ANYMORE.
I'M GETTIN' TOO GOOD A VIEW OF BACKSTAGE SPENCE.
IS THAT A THONG? WHAT?! NO.
WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY? HEH.
SO, WE GETTIN' A TABLE ANYTIME SOON? WELL, GOOD NEWS IS, THERE'S A CHINESE FAMILY THAT JUST FINISHED EATING.
BAD NEWS IS, THEY STARTED PLAYING SOME KIND OF GAME WITH TILES.
OH, GOD, I HOPE IT'S NOT SHOGI.
THAT COULD TAKE HOURS.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, WHY DON'T WE JUST GRAB SOME TAKEOUT AND GO PLAY IN THE GARAGE? AS LONG AS WE DON'T MESS WITH THE RACCOON BABIES, THE MOTHER IS NOT GOING TO ATTACK US.
OK, I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT'S NOT TRUE.
BESIDES, I WANT TO PLAY IN MY OWN LIVING ROOM.
WELL, THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
CARRIE'S THROWN US OUT THE LAST 5 TIMES WE'VE TRIED.
YOU KNOW, IF WE HAD ANY GUTS, WE'D RENT OUT THAT PLACE AND MAKE IT OUR PERMANENT POKER ROOM.
HEH.
PLUS, HOW FAST WOULD THE CHINESE FOOD COME? YEAH, THAT'D BE OFF THE HOOK.
OFF THE HOOK OR VERY MUCH ON THE HOOK? THE LOCATION IS GOOD- CLOSE TO SHOPPING.
SCHOOLS ARE EXCELLENT.
THE BLINDS ARE NEW.
MY MOTHER-IN-LAW PUT THEM UP JUST BEFORE SHE PASSED AWAY.
DROPPED DEAD.
DROPPED DEAD RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE STANDING.
HER HEART? NO, UH, THE CEILING FAN CAME DOWN ON HER.
IT'S IN THERE PRETTY GOOD NOW, THOUGH.
I HAD BETTER GET BACK DOWN TO MY RESTAURANT.
ANYTHING ELSE? UH, HOW MUCH IS THE RENT AGAIN? $800 A MONTH, INCLUDING UTILITIES.
NO PETS.
CAT GETS LOOSE IN A CHINESE RESTAURANT, AND WELL, THAT'S HARD TO LIVE DOWN.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK? I'M NOT SURE KELLY'S GONNA GO FOR IT.
SHE CAN'T NOT GO FOR WHAT SHE DOESN'T NOT KNOW ABOUT.
WHAT? YOU DON'T TELL HER! OH, WHAT, YOU'RE NOT GONNA TELL CARRIE? HELL TO THE NO.
BROADS AIN'T HEARIN' ABOUT THIS, AND BROADS DEFINITELY AIN'T INVITED.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M IN.
YEAH, ME, TOO.
SPENCE? THE, UH, "NO BROADS" POLICY- LIKE, SAY I MEET A HOT CHICK IN A BAR, I WANT TO BRING HER UP HERE.
I MEAN, WOULD THAT BE OK, OR NO? LET'S CROSS THAT IMAGINARY BRIDGE WHEN WE COME TO IT.
WE GOTTA HUSTLE.
CARRIE'S GONNA BE HOME ANY MINUTE.
YOU WANNA BRING THIS GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL? MMM.
NAW.
AT THE NEW PLACE, LET'S LEAVE ANIMAL FAT WHERE IT BELONGS- IN THE FOOD.
HEY! HEY! HI, DEACON, WHY DO YOU HAVE FOLDING CHAIRS TIED TO THE ROOF OF YOUR CAR? OH, UH I-IT'S FOR MY KID.
HE LIKES MUSICAL CHAIRS.
HE'S- HE'S TRYING OUT FOR THE TEAM AT SCHOOL.
THAT'S A GOOD DAD RIGHT THERE.
ANYWAY, REMEMBER I TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT CLIENT FROM L.
A.
I WAS GONNA BE SHOWING PROPERTIES TO? NO.
WELL, I DID, AND I AM.
ANYWAY, GUESS WHO IT IS.
BIG STAR.
TOM HANKS.
NO.
THE GUY WHO PLAYED MR.
DRUMMOND.
NO! I'M OUT.
ALL RIGHT.
KIRSTIE ALLEY.
OH! GIMME A CALL WHEN IT'S MR.
D.
HEY, WHOA, WHOA! WHAT IS ALL THIS STUFF? UH-NO, THIS IS JUST STUFF THAT I-I'M GOING TO SELL ON eBAY.
HOLD THAT THOUGHT.
HONEY, YOU'RE SELLING YOUR PLAYSTATION? YOU LOVE IT.
EXACTLY.
THAT'S WHY I'M GETTING RID OF ALL THIS CRAP, SO I CAN SPEND MORE TIME WITH YOU.
TO DO WHAT? I GOT NOTHIN' RIGHT NOW.
HEY, HEY, SLOW DOWN THERE, BIG BOY.
WHAT? HERE.
SELL THIS FOR ME.
A POTATO CHIP.
NOT JUST A POTATO CHIP.
A POTATO CHIP THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE RICHARD NIXON.
NO ONE'S GONNA BUY THAT.
ARE YOU CRAZY? IT'S A KNOWN FACT THAT NIXON IS THE ROLLS-ROYCE OF PRESIDENTIAL-SHAPED POTATO CHIPS! IT DOESN'T EVEN LOOK LIKE HIM! IT LOOKS MORE LIKE MY UNCLE STU.
YOUR UNCLE STU WISHES! HERE.
HI.
ARE YOU CARRIE? YES.
HI! I'M KIRSTIE ALLEY.
I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T CATCH THE NAME.
AH! KIDDING! HELLO, WELCOME! COME IN! I HAVE SOME GREAT CONDOS FOR YOU TO LOOK AT.
OH, EXCITING.
TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I'M RELIEVED THAT I'M GONNA BE TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING OTHER THAN MY WEIGHT LOSS.
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE, "KIRSTIE, YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL.
YOU LOST SO MUCH WEIGHT! OH, YOU LOOK SO HOT.
" AT A CERTAIN POINT IT'S LIKE ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, RIGHT? ACTUALLY, I HAVEN'T REACHED THAT POINT.
OH, IF I HADN'T TOLD YOU, KIRSTIE, YOU LOOK FABULOUS! WELL, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
HEY, JENNY CRAIG FOR PRESIDENT - AM I RIGHT? YOU'RE RIGHT.
SO WHY DON'T WE GET STARTED? LET'S! MS.
HEFFERNAN, WHERE DO YOU WANT, BAGELS AND DONUTS? UH THANK YOU.
YOU CAN PUT THEM- RIGHT BACK WHERE THEY CAME FROM! WE DON'T WANT THAT POISON IN HERE! SORRY ABOUT THAT, KIRSTIE.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
PLEASE.
PLEASE, YOU ENJOY, CARRIE.
I AM PERFECTLY ABLE TO SIT HERE AND WATCH OTHER PEOPLE EAT.
OK.
HA HA.
ALL RIGHT.
Out.
Out.
IS IT GOOD? MM-HMM.
IS THAT A LITTLE PECAN ON TOP? OH, ACTUALLY, I DON'T REALLY KNOW.
JUST GIVE A LITTLE TASTE.
OK.
PECAN? MM-HMM.
MM-HMM.
I THINK SO.
I DON'T REALLY KNOW.
I'M NOT SURE.
OH, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY! I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU.
I HAVE THIS LITTLE TRICK-I WATCH OTHER PEOPLE EAT, AND THEN I ENJOY THE FOOD THROUGH THEM.
OH! OH, I GET IT.
OK, GREAT, GREAT.
IN FACT, YOU SEE THAT LITTLE SPRINKLED DONUT OVER THERE? UH-HUH.
COULD YOU EAT THAT? ACTUALLY, I DON'T LOVE SPRINKLES- BUT COULD YOU EAT IT? ABSOLUTELY.
I CAN.
ABSOLUTELY.
NOT A PROBLEM.
AHH THIS IS LIVIN'.
OH HO! THERE IT IS! STILL THE CHAMP! THAT DOESN'T COUNT.
IT'S ON THE LINE! LOOK, NOBODY LIKES LOSING AT BALONEY DARTS, BUT SHOW A LITTLE CLASS, WOULD YA? HELLO.
HEY, IT'S ME.
IT'S CARRIE.
KEEP IT DOWN.
LISTEN, WHERE ARE YOU? I TRIED CALLING YOU AT HOME.
I'M AT SZECHUAN VILLAGE.
AGAIN? MAN, YOU LOVE THAT PLACE.
WHAT WAS THAT? I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND A WORD YOU'RE SAYING.
WELL, I'M EATING STUFF FOR KIRSTIE ALLEY.
WOW.
I'M IN THE WRONG BUSINESS.
WHAT IS INSIDE THAT? IS IT CARAMEL OR BUTTERSCOTCH? HONEY, I'M GONNA BE HOME A LITTLE LATE.
AH, BOO.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, DON'T WORK TOO HARD.
OK.
BYE-BYE.
OK, NOW, JUST HYPOTHETICALLY, HOW MANY WHITE CASTLES COULD YOU EAT? DAD, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU, STAY OUTTA MY MAKEUP BAG? I TOOK ONE LIPSTICK! CALL A COP! WHAT WERE YOU DOING WITH IT ANYWAY? IF YOU MUST KNOW, I WAS CIRCLING PARTS OF MY BODY FOR A DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT.
OK.
THAT'S IT.
THAT'S IT! I'M PUTTING YOU IN A HOME! IT'S OPEN.
HEY, MAN, WELCOME! HEY, I WAS ORDERING SOME FOOD DOWNSTAIRS AND MR.
SOO SAID YOU WERE STILL UP HERE.
DIDN'T WE GIVE THIS PLACE UP? I DIDN'T.
I KEPT IT FOR A LITTLE GETAWAY.
OH, UM I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO TAKE THE SHOES OFF.
I JUST HAD THE CARPETS CLEANED.
YOU SERIOUS? DOES IT NOT SMELL MOUNTAIN FRESH IN HERE? SERIOUSLY, DOCK THOSE GIANT BOATS BY THE DOOR, WOULD YA? COME ON! SIT DOWN, MAN.
HERE YA GO! LET'S VISIT.
TELL ME EVERYTHING! I LIKE WHAT YOU'VE DONE WITH THE PLACE.
IT'S A BIG DIFFERENCE.
YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY.
NOW THAT IT'S JUST MINE, I DON'T KNOW, I I WANT MORE.
WHERE ARE MY MANNERS? WOULD YOU LIKE SOMETHING TO DRINK? UH JUST WATER.
SURE.
WE GOT SOME SPECIALTY SODAS HERE.
I GOT MOXIE, FANTA ORANGE, TING.
THAT'S THE OFFICIAL SODA OF JAMAICA, MON.
WATER'S GOOD.
YOU'RE THE GUEST.
HERE WE GO.
SO, UH YOU STILL WITH CARRIE, OR YES, I'M WITH CARRIE.
YOU'RE A CHARACTER.
SO WHERE DOES SHE THINK YOU ARE WHEN YOU'RE HERE? ACTUALLY, WITH YOU.
I'VE GOT MY DEACON IN THE BACKGROUND IMPERSONATION PRETTY DOWN PAT.
SLOW YOUR ROLL, PLAYAH.
THAT'S NOT BAD.
I GUESS I GOTTA WORK ON MY BACKGROUND DOUG.
YOU JUST CRUMPLE A BAG OF DORITOS.
THAT'S ALL YOU GOTTA DO.
OH.
SORRY.
SO HOW ARE YOU ABLE TO SWING THE RENT ALL BY YOURSELF? I DON'T PAY RENT ANYMORE.
MR.
SOO AND I, WE WORKED SOMETHING OUT.
HEY, TABLE 6 NEEDS MORE DUCK SAUCE.
I'M ON IT, SIR.
KIRSTIE, THAT CONDO WAS PERFECT FOR YOU.
I'M NEVER BUYING A CONDO FROM SOME IDIOT WHO SAYS I WAS GREAT IN CAGNEY & LACEY.
I DON'T EVEN WANT A CONDOMINIUM ANYMORE.
I JUST WANNA KILL MYSELF! NO! NO, NO, NO, NO.
COME ON.
COME ON.
HOW-HOW 'BOUT THIS? I GO ON AN EATING BINGE FOR YOU, OK? I'LL EAT FOOD UNTIL IT COMES OUTTA MY EYES! WHAT ARE YOU IN THE MOOD FOR? I GUESS I COULD WATCH YOU EAT SOME CHINESE.
I KNOW JUST THE PLACE.
ANYWAY, IT'S A GREAT BUILDING RIGHT ON THE PARK.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? HMM.
COULD YOU SMOKE A CIGARETTE FOR ME? LOVE TO.
BUT I I DON'T HAVE ANY, SO I DO.
RIGHT THERE IN MY PURSE.
OKEYDOKE.
ONLY BEEN IN THERE A YEAR.
OH! GREAT.
ANYWAY, BACK TO THE CONDO.
I THINK THAT IF YOU LIKE IT, WE REALLY NEED TO JUMP ON THE BUILDING.
COME ON, MAN! HEY! YES, MISS? YEAH, I CALLED FOR A DELIVERY.
I'M JUST A LITTLE CONFUSED.
IS IT YOUR POLICY TO JUST DUMP THE FOOD IN THE STREET AND THEN DRIVE OFF? I ASK IN BACK.
DOUG! CARRIE! MY GOD! COME ON IN! I'VE BEEN MEANING TO INVITE YOU OVER FOREVER! WHAT THE HELL IS GOIN' ON HE- OH, I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO LOSE THE SHOES.
DOUG, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE? WHAT IS THIS PLACE? DIDN'T I TELL YOU ABOUT THIS? IT'S JUST A LITTLE HANGOUT, YOU KNOW.
I COME HERE TO UNWIND LIKE ONCE IN A BLUE MOON.
AHEM.
YOU'RE GETTING MAIL HERE.
AND YOU HAVE A TURTLE AND THROW PILLOWS THAT SAY "HOME SWEET HOME.
" THAT WAS A HOUSEWARMING GIFT.
YOU HAD A HOUSEWARMING PARTY?! JUST THE NEIGHBORS.
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE KNOWN ANYONE.
DOUG, WHAT ELSE DON'T I KNOW ABOUT? I MEAN, YOU HAVE ANOTHER WIFE? IS THERE A DOUG, JR.
AT SOCCER PRACTICE? YOU'RE OVERREACTING! I'M OVERREACTING? I JUST FOUND OUT MY HUSBAND HAS ANOTHER LIFE! ANOTHER LIFE.
THAT'S CRAZY! HELLO? WO MEN KUH BOO KUK EE WAN DIEN ZAl SHUWO ZAl JIAN.
HEY, HOW 'BOUT A MOXIE SODA, BOTTLE OF MOXIE? I- I-I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
WOULD YOU - SIT DOWN, WOULD YOU, PLEASE? OH, YEAH.
HERE YOU USE A COASTER.
JUST LISTEN TO ME, ALL RIGHT? THIS WHOLE THING STARTED AS A PLACE FOR ME AND THE GUYS TO HANG OUT.
BUT THEY BAILED OUT AND I JUST I STAYED WITH IT.
WHY? TO GET AWAY FROM ME? NOT YOU.
NOT JUST YOU.
LOOK, I ADMIT, MAYBE I TOOK THINGS A LITTLE TOO FAR.
BUT HAVE YOU EVER JUST WANTED TO ESCAPE FROM SOMEONE? HEY, HEY, HEY.
HAVE YOU SEEN CARRIE? NOPE.
THIS IS NICE.
YEAH.
GLAD YOU DECIDED TO STAY.
HEY, YOU WANNA THROW SOME BALONEY? I DON'T EXACTLY KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT NO.
DOUG, TURTLE SOUP FOR TABLE 7.
OK.
I'M ON IT, SIR.
OH, MY GOD.
I-IS THIS- I TOLD YOU NO PETS.
WHOA.
THAT COULD'VE BEEN UGLY.
ARTHUR, GET UP.
I NEED THE COUCH.
GO DOWN TO BED.
ALL RIGHT.
THERE.
YEAH.
MMM.
HELLO? OH, HI, MISS CONRAD.
YES, I'M PULLING THE LISTINGS RIGHT NOW.
AND LISTEN, I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR THIS OPPORTUNITY.
I WON'T LET YOU-WHAT? AM I USING THE T.
R.
D.
REPORTS? OF COURSE.
I HAVE THEM RIGHT HERE.
I- I'M ALL ABOUT THE T.
R.
D.
s.
OK.
ALL RIGHT, NO PROBLEM.
BYE-BYE.
OH, MY GOD.
I HOPE I LEFT THEM IN THE BATHROOM.
ALL RIGHT, GENTLEMEN.
LET'S PLAY SOME CARDS.
DANNY, YOU GET THE BEER.
SPENCE, HERE.
ORDER UP SOME CHINESE.
YEAH.
DEAC - TUNES, I'M RIGHT ON IT.
OH, HEY.
INSTEAD OF TUNG SING, LET'S TRY SZECHUAN VILLAGE.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE AMAZING.
AS LONG AS THEY CAN MAKE MY DISH.
BEEF WITH BROCCOLI.
WITH? NO BROCCOLI.
HEY.
BIG JAR OF HONEY TIPPED OVER IN YOUR FRIDGE.
WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED HERE? WHAT? WE'RE PLAYING POKER.
AND COULD YOU WATCH THE LANGUAGE IN FRONT OF MY COMPANY? NO.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? DOUG, I NEED THIS ROOM TO WORK, OK? WE HAVE A BIG CLIENT FLYING IN FROM L.
A.
I HAVE TO PULL ALL THE LISTINGS OF OUR CONDOS, CO-OPS, LOFTS, THEN I HAVE TO PROJECT WHAT THE AMORTIZED MORTGAGE WOULD BE- OK, IF YOU'RE TRYING TO BORE US INTO LEAVING, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
DOUG, PLEASE, COME ON.
WHERE ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GO? WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE GARAGE? AGAIN, THERE'S A RACCOON LIVING IN IT.
MY PLACE IS NO GOOD.
THE KIDS ARE STILL UP.
YEAH, WE'RE OUT, TOO.
SPENCE'S MOM HAS A DATE OVER AGAIN.
LOWELL ISN'T A DATE.
HE'S HER PIANO TEACHER.
WE DON'T HAVE A PIANO.
HELLO? HE BRINGS HIS ORGAN, AND SHE PRACTICES ON THAT.
COME ON, HONEY, PLEASE.
I REALLY WANT TO DO A GOOD JOB.
THIS IS A GREAT OPPORTUNITY.
OK, FINE.
YOU KNOW WHAT, GUYS? NO CARDS.
LET'S- YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S JUST GO TO SZECHUAN VILLAGE.
ALL RIGHT? OH, AND F.
Y.
I WHEN YOU'RE AMBITIOUS, I COULDN'T WANT YOU LESS.
OK? ALL RIGHT, SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? HIT ME.
DAMN IT! CAN WE BE DONE NOW? OH, GOD, WHEN DID YOU BECOME SUCH A COMPLAINER? UH, WHENEVER I'M FORCED TO BE FURNITURE.
YOU KNOW WHAT? DEAL 'EM UP.
COME ON.
NAH, I DON'T WANT TO PLAY ANYMORE.
I'M GETTIN' TOO GOOD A VIEW OF BACKSTAGE SPENCE.
IS THAT A THONG? WHAT?! NO.
WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY? HEH.
SO, WE GETTIN' A TABLE ANYTIME SOON? WELL, GOOD NEWS IS, THERE'S A CHINESE FAMILY THAT JUST FINISHED EATING.
BAD NEWS IS, THEY STARTED PLAYING SOME KIND OF GAME WITH TILES.
OH, GOD, I HOPE IT'S NOT SHOGI.
THAT COULD TAKE HOURS.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, WHY DON'T WE JUST GRAB SOME TAKEOUT AND GO PLAY IN THE GARAGE? AS LONG AS WE DON'T MESS WITH THE RACCOON BABIES, THE MOTHER IS NOT GOING TO ATTACK US.
OK, I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT'S NOT TRUE.
BESIDES, I WANT TO PLAY IN MY OWN LIVING ROOM.
WELL, THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
CARRIE'S THROWN US OUT THE LAST 5 TIMES WE'VE TRIED.
YOU KNOW, IF WE HAD ANY GUTS, WE'D RENT OUT THAT PLACE AND MAKE IT OUR PERMANENT POKER ROOM.
HEH.
PLUS, HOW FAST WOULD THE CHINESE FOOD COME? YEAH, THAT'D BE OFF THE HOOK.
OFF THE HOOK OR VERY MUCH ON THE HOOK? THE LOCATION IS GOOD- CLOSE TO SHOPPING.
SCHOOLS ARE EXCELLENT.
THE BLINDS ARE NEW.
MY MOTHER-IN-LAW PUT THEM UP JUST BEFORE SHE PASSED AWAY.
DROPPED DEAD.
DROPPED DEAD RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE STANDING.
HER HEART? NO, UH, THE CEILING FAN CAME DOWN ON HER.
IT'S IN THERE PRETTY GOOD NOW, THOUGH.
I HAD BETTER GET BACK DOWN TO MY RESTAURANT.
ANYTHING ELSE? UH, HOW MUCH IS THE RENT AGAIN? $800 A MONTH, INCLUDING UTILITIES.
NO PETS.
CAT GETS LOOSE IN A CHINESE RESTAURANT, AND WELL, THAT'S HARD TO LIVE DOWN.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK? I'M NOT SURE KELLY'S GONNA GO FOR IT.
SHE CAN'T NOT GO FOR WHAT SHE DOESN'T NOT KNOW ABOUT.
WHAT? YOU DON'T TELL HER! OH, WHAT, YOU'RE NOT GONNA TELL CARRIE? HELL TO THE NO.
BROADS AIN'T HEARIN' ABOUT THIS, AND BROADS DEFINITELY AIN'T INVITED.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M IN.
YEAH, ME, TOO.
SPENCE? THE, UH, "NO BROADS" POLICY- LIKE, SAY I MEET A HOT CHICK IN A BAR, I WANT TO BRING HER UP HERE.
I MEAN, WOULD THAT BE OK, OR NO? LET'S CROSS THAT IMAGINARY BRIDGE WHEN WE COME TO IT.
WE GOTTA HUSTLE.
CARRIE'S GONNA BE HOME ANY MINUTE.
YOU WANNA BRING THIS GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL? MMM.
NAW.
AT THE NEW PLACE, LET'S LEAVE ANIMAL FAT WHERE IT BELONGS- IN THE FOOD.
HEY! HEY! HI, DEACON, WHY DO YOU HAVE FOLDING CHAIRS TIED TO THE ROOF OF YOUR CAR? OH, UH I-IT'S FOR MY KID.
HE LIKES MUSICAL CHAIRS.
HE'S- HE'S TRYING OUT FOR THE TEAM AT SCHOOL.
THAT'S A GOOD DAD RIGHT THERE.
ANYWAY, REMEMBER I TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT CLIENT FROM L.
A.
I WAS GONNA BE SHOWING PROPERTIES TO? NO.
WELL, I DID, AND I AM.
ANYWAY, GUESS WHO IT IS.
BIG STAR.
TOM HANKS.
NO.
THE GUY WHO PLAYED MR.
DRUMMOND.
NO! I'M OUT.
ALL RIGHT.
KIRSTIE ALLEY.
OH! GIMME A CALL WHEN IT'S MR.
D.
HEY, WHOA, WHOA! WHAT IS ALL THIS STUFF? UH-NO, THIS IS JUST STUFF THAT I-I'M GOING TO SELL ON eBAY.
HOLD THAT THOUGHT.
HONEY, YOU'RE SELLING YOUR PLAYSTATION? YOU LOVE IT.
EXACTLY.
THAT'S WHY I'M GETTING RID OF ALL THIS CRAP, SO I CAN SPEND MORE TIME WITH YOU.
TO DO WHAT? I GOT NOTHIN' RIGHT NOW.
HEY, HEY, SLOW DOWN THERE, BIG BOY.
WHAT? HERE.
SELL THIS FOR ME.
A POTATO CHIP.
NOT JUST A POTATO CHIP.
A POTATO CHIP THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE RICHARD NIXON.
NO ONE'S GONNA BUY THAT.
ARE YOU CRAZY? IT'S A KNOWN FACT THAT NIXON IS THE ROLLS-ROYCE OF PRESIDENTIAL-SHAPED POTATO CHIPS! IT DOESN'T EVEN LOOK LIKE HIM! IT LOOKS MORE LIKE MY UNCLE STU.
YOUR UNCLE STU WISHES! HERE.
HI.
ARE YOU CARRIE? YES.
HI! I'M KIRSTIE ALLEY.
I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T CATCH THE NAME.
AH! KIDDING! HELLO, WELCOME! COME IN! I HAVE SOME GREAT CONDOS FOR YOU TO LOOK AT.
OH, EXCITING.
TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I'M RELIEVED THAT I'M GONNA BE TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING OTHER THAN MY WEIGHT LOSS.
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE, "KIRSTIE, YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL.
YOU LOST SO MUCH WEIGHT! OH, YOU LOOK SO HOT.
" AT A CERTAIN POINT IT'S LIKE ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, RIGHT? ACTUALLY, I HAVEN'T REACHED THAT POINT.
OH, IF I HADN'T TOLD YOU, KIRSTIE, YOU LOOK FABULOUS! WELL, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
HEY, JENNY CRAIG FOR PRESIDENT - AM I RIGHT? YOU'RE RIGHT.
SO WHY DON'T WE GET STARTED? LET'S! MS.
HEFFERNAN, WHERE DO YOU WANT, BAGELS AND DONUTS? UH THANK YOU.
YOU CAN PUT THEM- RIGHT BACK WHERE THEY CAME FROM! WE DON'T WANT THAT POISON IN HERE! SORRY ABOUT THAT, KIRSTIE.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
PLEASE.
PLEASE, YOU ENJOY, CARRIE.
I AM PERFECTLY ABLE TO SIT HERE AND WATCH OTHER PEOPLE EAT.
OK.
HA HA.
ALL RIGHT.
Out.
Out.
IS IT GOOD? MM-HMM.
IS THAT A LITTLE PECAN ON TOP? OH, ACTUALLY, I DON'T REALLY KNOW.
JUST GIVE A LITTLE TASTE.
OK.
PECAN? MM-HMM.
MM-HMM.
I THINK SO.
I DON'T REALLY KNOW.
I'M NOT SURE.
OH, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY! I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU.
I HAVE THIS LITTLE TRICK-I WATCH OTHER PEOPLE EAT, AND THEN I ENJOY THE FOOD THROUGH THEM.
OH! OH, I GET IT.
OK, GREAT, GREAT.
IN FACT, YOU SEE THAT LITTLE SPRINKLED DONUT OVER THERE? UH-HUH.
COULD YOU EAT THAT? ACTUALLY, I DON'T LOVE SPRINKLES- BUT COULD YOU EAT IT? ABSOLUTELY.
I CAN.
ABSOLUTELY.
NOT A PROBLEM.
AHH THIS IS LIVIN'.
OH HO! THERE IT IS! STILL THE CHAMP! THAT DOESN'T COUNT.
IT'S ON THE LINE! LOOK, NOBODY LIKES LOSING AT BALONEY DARTS, BUT SHOW A LITTLE CLASS, WOULD YA? HELLO.
HEY, IT'S ME.
IT'S CARRIE.
KEEP IT DOWN.
LISTEN, WHERE ARE YOU? I TRIED CALLING YOU AT HOME.
I'M AT SZECHUAN VILLAGE.
AGAIN? MAN, YOU LOVE THAT PLACE.
WHAT WAS THAT? I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND A WORD YOU'RE SAYING.
WELL, I'M EATING STUFF FOR KIRSTIE ALLEY.
WOW.
I'M IN THE WRONG BUSINESS.
WHAT IS INSIDE THAT? IS IT CARAMEL OR BUTTERSCOTCH? HONEY, I'M GONNA BE HOME A LITTLE LATE.
AH, BOO.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, DON'T WORK TOO HARD.
OK.
BYE-BYE.
OK, NOW, JUST HYPOTHETICALLY, HOW MANY WHITE CASTLES COULD YOU EAT? DAD, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU, STAY OUTTA MY MAKEUP BAG? I TOOK ONE LIPSTICK! CALL A COP! WHAT WERE YOU DOING WITH IT ANYWAY? IF YOU MUST KNOW, I WAS CIRCLING PARTS OF MY BODY FOR A DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT.
OK.
THAT'S IT.
THAT'S IT! I'M PUTTING YOU IN A HOME! IT'S OPEN.
HEY, MAN, WELCOME! HEY, I WAS ORDERING SOME FOOD DOWNSTAIRS AND MR.
SOO SAID YOU WERE STILL UP HERE.
DIDN'T WE GIVE THIS PLACE UP? I DIDN'T.
I KEPT IT FOR A LITTLE GETAWAY.
OH, UM I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO TAKE THE SHOES OFF.
I JUST HAD THE CARPETS CLEANED.
YOU SERIOUS? DOES IT NOT SMELL MOUNTAIN FRESH IN HERE? SERIOUSLY, DOCK THOSE GIANT BOATS BY THE DOOR, WOULD YA? COME ON! SIT DOWN, MAN.
HERE YA GO! LET'S VISIT.
TELL ME EVERYTHING! I LIKE WHAT YOU'VE DONE WITH THE PLACE.
IT'S A BIG DIFFERENCE.
YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY.
NOW THAT IT'S JUST MINE, I DON'T KNOW, I I WANT MORE.
WHERE ARE MY MANNERS? WOULD YOU LIKE SOMETHING TO DRINK? UH JUST WATER.
SURE.
WE GOT SOME SPECIALTY SODAS HERE.
I GOT MOXIE, FANTA ORANGE, TING.
THAT'S THE OFFICIAL SODA OF JAMAICA, MON.
WATER'S GOOD.
YOU'RE THE GUEST.
HERE WE GO.
SO, UH YOU STILL WITH CARRIE, OR YES, I'M WITH CARRIE.
YOU'RE A CHARACTER.
SO WHERE DOES SHE THINK YOU ARE WHEN YOU'RE HERE? ACTUALLY, WITH YOU.
I'VE GOT MY DEACON IN THE BACKGROUND IMPERSONATION PRETTY DOWN PAT.
SLOW YOUR ROLL, PLAYAH.
THAT'S NOT BAD.
I GUESS I GOTTA WORK ON MY BACKGROUND DOUG.
YOU JUST CRUMPLE A BAG OF DORITOS.
THAT'S ALL YOU GOTTA DO.
OH.
SORRY.
SO HOW ARE YOU ABLE TO SWING THE RENT ALL BY YOURSELF? I DON'T PAY RENT ANYMORE.
MR.
SOO AND I, WE WORKED SOMETHING OUT.
HEY, TABLE 6 NEEDS MORE DUCK SAUCE.
I'M ON IT, SIR.
KIRSTIE, THAT CONDO WAS PERFECT FOR YOU.
I'M NEVER BUYING A CONDO FROM SOME IDIOT WHO SAYS I WAS GREAT IN CAGNEY & LACEY.
I DON'T EVEN WANT A CONDOMINIUM ANYMORE.
I JUST WANNA KILL MYSELF! NO! NO, NO, NO, NO.
COME ON.
COME ON.
HOW-HOW 'BOUT THIS? I GO ON AN EATING BINGE FOR YOU, OK? I'LL EAT FOOD UNTIL IT COMES OUTTA MY EYES! WHAT ARE YOU IN THE MOOD FOR? I GUESS I COULD WATCH YOU EAT SOME CHINESE.
I KNOW JUST THE PLACE.
ANYWAY, IT'S A GREAT BUILDING RIGHT ON THE PARK.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? HMM.
COULD YOU SMOKE A CIGARETTE FOR ME? LOVE TO.
BUT I I DON'T HAVE ANY, SO I DO.
RIGHT THERE IN MY PURSE.
OKEYDOKE.
ONLY BEEN IN THERE A YEAR.
OH! GREAT.
ANYWAY, BACK TO THE CONDO.
I THINK THAT IF YOU LIKE IT, WE REALLY NEED TO JUMP ON THE BUILDING.
COME ON, MAN! HEY! YES, MISS? YEAH, I CALLED FOR A DELIVERY.
I'M JUST A LITTLE CONFUSED.
IS IT YOUR POLICY TO JUST DUMP THE FOOD IN THE STREET AND THEN DRIVE OFF? I ASK IN BACK.
DOUG! CARRIE! MY GOD! COME ON IN! I'VE BEEN MEANING TO INVITE YOU OVER FOREVER! WHAT THE HELL IS GOIN' ON HE- OH, I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO LOSE THE SHOES.
DOUG, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE? WHAT IS THIS PLACE? DIDN'T I TELL YOU ABOUT THIS? IT'S JUST A LITTLE HANGOUT, YOU KNOW.
I COME HERE TO UNWIND LIKE ONCE IN A BLUE MOON.
AHEM.
YOU'RE GETTING MAIL HERE.
AND YOU HAVE A TURTLE AND THROW PILLOWS THAT SAY "HOME SWEET HOME.
" THAT WAS A HOUSEWARMING GIFT.
YOU HAD A HOUSEWARMING PARTY?! JUST THE NEIGHBORS.
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE KNOWN ANYONE.
DOUG, WHAT ELSE DON'T I KNOW ABOUT? I MEAN, YOU HAVE ANOTHER WIFE? IS THERE A DOUG, JR.
AT SOCCER PRACTICE? YOU'RE OVERREACTING! I'M OVERREACTING? I JUST FOUND OUT MY HUSBAND HAS ANOTHER LIFE! ANOTHER LIFE.
THAT'S CRAZY! HELLO? WO MEN KUH BOO KUK EE WAN DIEN ZAl SHUWO ZAl JIAN.
HEY, HOW 'BOUT A MOXIE SODA, BOTTLE OF MOXIE? I- I-I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
WOULD YOU - SIT DOWN, WOULD YOU, PLEASE? OH, YEAH.
HERE YOU USE A COASTER.
JUST LISTEN TO ME, ALL RIGHT? THIS WHOLE THING STARTED AS A PLACE FOR ME AND THE GUYS TO HANG OUT.
BUT THEY BAILED OUT AND I JUST I STAYED WITH IT.
WHY? TO GET AWAY FROM ME? NOT YOU.
NOT JUST YOU.
LOOK, I ADMIT, MAYBE I TOOK THINGS A LITTLE TOO FAR.
BUT HAVE YOU EVER JUST WANTED TO ESCAPE FROM SOMEONE? HEY, HEY, HEY.
HAVE YOU SEEN CARRIE? NOPE.
THIS IS NICE.
YEAH.
GLAD YOU DECIDED TO STAY.
HEY, YOU WANNA THROW SOME BALONEY? I DON'T EXACTLY KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT NO.
DOUG, TURTLE SOUP FOR TABLE 7.
OK.
I'M ON IT, SIR.
OH, MY GOD.
I-IS THIS- I TOLD YOU NO PETS.