The King of Queens s08e20 Episode Script

Four Play

DOUG, I'M GONNA MISS MY TRAIN.
WHAT TIME IS IT? WOULD YOU RELAX? YOU HAVE PLENTY OF TIME.
OKAY, THAT CLOCK ONLY HAS ONE HAND.
OH, YEAH.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT TIME IS IT ON THE COFFEE MAKER? OH, WELL, THE COFFEE MAKER IS MOUNTAIN STANDARD TIME, PLUS, IT'S SO THAT WOULD MAKE IT, UH I CAN'T DO THIS.
ALL RIGHT, THE MICROWAVE SAYS IT'S 7:10.
THAT'S GOOD.
OH, THAT'S MY EGG POCKET.
I CAN'T BE LATE FOR WORK.
WHAT DOES YOUR WATCH SAY? IT'S NOT A WATCH.
IT JUST COUNTS MY STEPS.
HOLY CRAP, I'M AT 32.
I GOTTA SLOW IT DOWN.
THANK YOU.
SO, JULIE COMES IN EVERY MORNING AT 10:00, AND LEAVES AT 4:00, AND LEAVES ME WITH ALL HER FRIGGIN' WORK.
I SHOULD REPORT HER, RIGHT? CAN I OFFER A LITTLE ADVICE ABOUT THIS? I MEAN, I DON'T WANT TO BE A RAT, BUT SHE IS ANNOYING.
AND ON TOP OF THAT, SHE HAS THE WORST HAIR, SO MAY I, DARLING- DAD-DAD, PLEASE.
OKAY? ALL RIGHT, HONEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
I'LL JUST FIGURE IT OUT.
OKAY, BYE-BYE.
OKAY, I THINK I CAN HELP YOU WITH THIS JULIE THING.
IF YOU WANT TO HELP ME, FINISH YOUR DINNER, 'CAUSE I HAVE TO MEET DOUG AT THE MOVIES.
I DEALT WITH THIS TYPE OF CHARACTER WHEN I WAS A PRODUCTION ASSISTANT ON A LITTLE SHOW CALLED SESAME STREET.
YOU WORKED ON SESAME STREET? SURE.
FROM MARCH OF '76 TO MID-MARCH OF '76.
ANYWAY, I CAN'T NAME NAMES, BUT I HAD A SIMILAR SITUATION WITH A LARGE BIRD WITH AN EVEN BIGGER EGO.
BIG BIRD? YOU SAID IT.
I DIDN'T.
ALL RIGHT, IS THERE A POINT TO THIS, DAD? I'VE HAD CLOSE TO SO I KNOW A THING OR TWO ABOUT OFFICE POLITICS.
NOW, DO YOU HAVE ACCESS TO FIREARMS? OKAY.
I'M NOT GONNA SHOOT HER.
I NEVER SAID "SHOOT.
" JUST LET HER KNOW YOU MEAN BUSINESS.
COME ON.
EAT YOUR BEETS NOW.
I WILL NOT EAT MY BEETS! WHY IS IT, DAY AFTER DAY, I OFFER YOU SOUND ADVICE ON HOW TO FIX YOUR PATHETIC LIFE, AND YOU REJECT IT EVERY TIME? WELL, I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU! ACTUALLY, I STORMED OFF FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT.
I'M REALLY QUITE HUNGRY.
PERFECT.
BLOOD THIEVES 2 STARTS IN 10 MINUTES.
I DON'T WANT TO SEE A MOVIE WHERE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE GET THEIR BLOOD STOLEN.
OKAY.
WHEN IT HAPPENS TO YOU, YOU'RE NOT GONNA KNOW WHAT TO DO.
HONEY, IT'S DATE NIGHT.
I WANT TO SEE BON VIVANT.
OKAY, UNLESS THAT'S FOREIGN FOR "STEALING BLOOD," EH-EH.
HEY, GUYS.
OH, GOOD.
PUT DOUG OUT OF HIS MISERY.
HE WANTS TO SEE BLOOD THIEVES 2.
OH, I LOVED THE FIRST ONE.
YEAH.
IN THIS ONE, THERE'S EVEN LESS TALKING.
I'M IN.
ACTUALLY, I WANT TO SEE BON VIVANT.
THANK YOU.
FINALLY, SOMEBODY WITH SOME TASTE.
YOU MEAN, SOMEBODY WITH SOME GAY.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? HEY, I HAVE AN IDEA.
WHY DON'T ME AND DEACON SEE BON VIVANT AND YOU GUYS SEE YOUR THING? THAT'S GREAT.
LET'S DO IT.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
COME ON, GIRL.
I'M GONNA GET SOME SNACKS.
HOW MANY HOT DOGS YOU WANT? I'M IN A BIT OF A TIME CRUNCH HERE, BUT YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY A MAN IN CRISIS.
HOW CAN I HELP YOU? YOU CALLED ME.
YES, TO SHARE MY CONSIDERABLE KNOWLEDGE AND LIFE EXPERIENCE.
I'M OLDER THAN YOU.
THEN YOU SHOULD BE WISE ENOUGH TO HEED MY ADVICE.
I ONLY CAME HERE BECAUSE YOU SAID YOU'D BUY ME A SCONE.
AND I WILL, AFTER WE SORT OUT YOUR TROUBLED LIFE.
NOW, WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN 10 YEARS? DEAD.
FAIR ENOUGH.
I'LL TELL YOU WHERE I SEE MYSELF IN 5 MINUTES: BACK ON THE BUS.
SO, I HAD A REALLY GOOD TIME WITH THAT GUY, STEVE, THE OTHER NIGHT.
UH-HUH.
SO, DO I CALL HIM, OR DO I HAVE TO WAIT FOR HIM TO CALL ME? UM I JUST HAD SO I'M GONNA GO TO THE BATHROOM AND LIE DOWN FOR A BIT.
DO NOT CALL THIS FELLOW.
EXCUSE ME? I COULDN'T HELP OVERHEARING YOUR CONVERSATION BECAUSE I WAS EAVESDROPPING.
NO OFFENSE, BUT I'M NOT SURE I WANT ADVICE FROM A GUY WHO BOUNCES A CHECK FOR $1.
42.
I HAVE OFF-SHORE ACCOUNTS.
I WAS MOVING MONIES AROUND.
WHATEVER.
NOW, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU CALL THIS NE'ER-DO-WELL, STEVE.
HE'S A DENTIST.
I'VE GOT ONE, THANK YOU.
THE POINT IS, IF YOU CALL HIM YOU'RE GOING TO SOUND DESPERATE.
LET HIM COME TO YOU.
TELL YOU WHAT.
I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.
NOW, CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING? A CAPPUCCINO MUFFIN AND A MOCHA LATTE.
THAT'S $5.
85.
WHO SHALL I MAKE THIS OUT TO? HEY! HOW'D YOU LIKE THE MOVIE? OH, IT WAS SO SCARY.
YEAH, AND NEWS FLASH, WITHOUT BLOOD, YOU'RE NOTHING.
GOOD TO KNOW.
SO HOW WAS YOUR PRECIOUS BON VIVANT? GREAT.
WHAT WAS IT ABOUT? I CAN'T TELL YOU EXACTLY, BUT IT WAS VERY WELL DONE.
OH, CHECK IT OUT.
SATURDAY THEY'RE STARTING THE INTERNATIONAL FILM SERIES.
THE DIRECTOR'S GONNA BE THERE FOR A Q-AND-A.
OH, I'D BE INTO THAT.
YEAH, ME TOO.
OH, WAIT, I FORGOT.
I'M SUPPOSED TO GET DRUNK AND PASS OUT THAT NIGHT.
WE CAN'T GO.
I PROMISED THE KIDS WE'D TAKE 'EM GO-KARTING.
KEL, MY LEGS ARE TOO LONG FOR THOSE THINGS.
I HAVE SHORT LEGS.
WHOO-HOO-HOO! WHOO! WE WANT FISH STICKS! WE WANT FISH STICKS! WE WANT FISH STICKS! CRANBERRY MUFFIN.
BE A DEAR, USE THE TONGS.
HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU? OH, IT'S ON THE HOUSE.
REALLY? YEAH.
EVERY BOUNCED CHECK COSTS US $20 IN BANK FEES.
OH, WHY, THANK YOU.
BESIDES, THANKS TO YOUR ADVICE, I'M GOING OUT WITH STEVE AGAIN.
OH, REALLY? WELL, IT WAS MY PLEASURE TO HELP.
ACTUALLY, I'D LOVE TO GET SOME ADVICE ON SOMETHING ELSE.
OH, I'D BE HAPPY TO OBLIGE, ALTHOUGH I DO THINK BETTER WITH A COMPLIMENTARY SACK OF BAGEL CHIPS.
UM, WELL, I RENT THIS REALLY CHEAP APARTMENT, BUT THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF BREAK-INS, SO I WAS THINKING I SHOULD BUY A CONDO.
NO, NO, NO, STAY PUT.
THE REAL ESTATE MARKET IS AT AN ALL-TIME HIGH.
BUT MY NEIGHBORHOOD'S REALLY DANGEROUS.
AND SO IS BUYING ON THE BUBBLE.
MY ADVICE? STAY AWAY FROM THE COLOR PEACH.
HEY.
HEY, HONEY.
LISTEN, KELLY CALLED.
YOU LEFT YOUR JACKET IN HER CAR.
OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'LL GET IT TOMORROW.
SO, HOW WAS MINI-GOLF? IT WAS GOOD, BUT I HAD TO GIVE MAJOR ANOTHER TIME OUT, AND, UH KIRBY'S BEEN ASKING A LOT OF QUESTIONS ABOUT THE LADIES, SO I THINK I'M GONNA HAVE TO HAVE "THE TALK" WITH HIM.
OH, BOY.
YEAH.
I WAS HOPING YOU CAN GO OVER SOME STUFF WITH ME, 'CAUSE, UH NEVER BEEN 100% SURE ABOUT WHAT YOU GUYS GOT GOING ON DOWN THERE.
I KNOW, BABY.
HOW WAS YOGA? OH, IT WAS GREAT.
DEACON IS SO FLEXIBLE, HE'S LIKE A RUBBER BAND.
HE REALLY HELPED ME GET INTO MY HIPS.
I'M GONNA BE SORE TOMORROW, I'LL TELL YOU THAT.
BUT IT'S A GOOD SORE, RIGHT? YEAH.
LISTEN, I'M MAKING RAVIOLI FOR DINNER.
OH.
ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT? I HAD CARBS TODAY, SO I'LL JUST HAVE A SALAD TONIGHT.
REALLY? YEAH, KELLY THINKS I NEED TO LOSE A FEW POUNDS, AND, YOU KNOW, SHE'S RIGHT.
I GOTTA BE HONEST WITH YOU, HONEY.
I THINK KELLY HAS BEEN GREAT FOR YOU.
THANKS.
I GOTTA SAY, AS LONG AS YOU'VE BEEN HANGING OUT WITH DEACON- I DON'T KNOW.
YOU JUST SEEM HAPPY.
I AM.
I AM.
I GOTTA SAY THAT WE HAVEN'T HUNG OUT TOGETHER, YOU KNOW, JUST THE TWO OF US.
MAYBE WE SHOULD MAKE A PLAN TO DO THAT.
DEFINITELY! HOW ABOUT FRIDAY? OOH! NO, FRIDAY I CAN'T.
DEACON AND I, WE HAVE THAT GALLERY THING, SO I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THOUGH, HOW ABOUT WE MEET YOU AND KELLY FOR DRINKS BEFORE? I'LL CHECK WITH THE BOSS.
THAT SOUNDS GREAT.
WELL, DINNER'LL BE READY IN A HALF HOUR.
ALL RIGHT.
I'M GONNA BANG OUT SOME CRUNCHES.
THE GUY DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE US THE BIG STUFFED ANIMAL.
HE WANTED TO GIVE US THIS LITTLE TROLL DOLL.
SO WHAT DOES THIS ONE DO? SHE PICKS UP A BASKETBALL, AND DRAINS AND WHO WALKS OUT OF THERE WITH A GIANT PANDA? WE DID! GOOD TIMES, GOOD TIMES.
OH, MAN.
HEY, TELL 'EM WHAT YOU ASKED THAT TURKISH DIRECTOR.
OH, NO, NO, NO, THEY WOULDN'T KNOW.
YOU KNOW.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
THEY WOULDN'T GET IT.
YEAH, EXACTLY.
I KNOW.
WE DIDN'T OFFER YOU GUYS A DRINK.
NAME YOUR POISON.
I'LL TAKE A BEER.
ALL RIGHT, BOTTLE OF SUDS FOR THE RUBBER BAND MAN.
MERLOT, AND OH, BOY, I SHOULD KNOW THIS.
UH SEA BREEZE.
JACK AND COKE.
JACK AND COKE! HEY, DEAC, DID YOU GET A HAIRCUT? YEP.
AND THE BEARD'S NEXT.
KEL, THERE'S NO BEER IN THE FRIDGE.
YEAH, I TOLD YOU TO GET SOME MORE.
I DIDN'T HAVE TIME.
I HAD TO TAKE THE KIDS TO THE PARK AND WE WENT BY ARBY'S.
I TOLD YOU I DON'T WANT THE KIDS EATING BEFORE DINNER.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO, JUST MAKE THEM WATCH ME EAT? THEY NEED TO COME HOME TO DO THEIR HOMEWORK.
THEY'RE AT SCHOOL ALL DAY.
THEY DESERVE A LITTLE ROAST BEEF.
YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY, DOUG, THEY SHOULDN'T BE EATING- EXCUSE ME, DEAC.
I GOT IT.
YOU ARE UNBELIEVABLE! ONE MINUTE I'M NOT SPENDING ENOUGH TIME WITH THEM.
NOW IT'S TOO MUCH? I CAN'T WIN WITH YOU! WHERE ARE YOU GOING? I'M GOING TO GET US SOME BEER.
NOW? WE HAVE PEOPLE HERE.
FINE! ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT? WE GOTTA GET GOING.
YEAH, THAT BRIDGE IS GONNA BE NUTS.
YEAH.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS HAS BEEN FUN.
THANKS SO MUCH.
LATER.
I'M GONNA GO CHECK ON THE BOYS.
SIR IF THIS IS ABOUT THE NEWSPAPER, I WAS PLANNING TO PAY FOR IT ONCE THE LINE WENT DOWN.
OH, IT'S NOT ABOUT THAT.
I WAS TALKING TO MY MANAGER, AND I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU COULD GIVE ME SOME ADVICE.
OH! ANOTHER LOST SOUL NEEDS MY COMPASS.
PLEASE, SIT.
THANK YOU.
WHAT IS TROUBLING YOU? CAREER, FAMILY, SEXUAL CONFUSION? UH, I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHO I SHOULD BET ON IN TOMORROW'S BASKETBALL GAME.
OOH, A GAMBLER.
YEAH.
SO WHO WOULD YOU BET, THE NETS OR SPURS? ARE THEY STILL USING A RED, WHITE AND BLUE BALL? NO.
THEN BET THE NETS! THANKS, MAN.
HEY, IT'S WHAT I DO.
PUT IT ALL ON THE SPURS.
WHOA! I SAID, THE NETS.
I KNOW, BUT GLORIA TOLD ME WHATEVER YOU SAY, I SHOULD DO THE OPPOSITE.
WHAT? SHE SAYS ANY ADVICE FROM YOU WOULD HAVE TO BE WRONG, SO IF I DO THE OPPOSITE, I WIN AND I GET MY VAN OUT OF THE IMPOUND.
I SEE.
HEY, ARTHUR, I NEED SOME MORE ADVICE.
DO YOU NOW? HEY, HONEY.
HEY.
WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING? LEONARD NIMOY.
HEY, SHOULDN'T YOU BE GETTING READY TO GO OUT WITH KELLY? I WON'T BE GOING ANYWHERE WITH THAT WOMAN.
OH, ARE YOU STILL FIGHTING? MM.
I'M SO SORRY.
WHATEVER, MAN.
LISTEN, I FIGURED WE'D JUST HANG OUT TONIGHT AND GET A PIZZA OR SOMETHING.
UH, ACTUALLY, I CAN'T.
I HAVE PLANS WITH DEACON.
WHAT? YEAH.
REMEMBER, WE DO OUR MOVIE THING TONIGHT? IF I'M NOT SPENDING TIME WITH KELLY, YOU SHOULDN'T BE HANGING OUT WITH DEACON.
WELL, THAT'S NOT FAIR.
I MEAN, WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO SUFFER JUST BECAUSE YOU AND KELLY ARE FIGHTING? BECAUSE YOU'RE MY WIFE.
HOW ABOUT I CALL KELLY FOR YOU? NO! I'M NOT GOING CRAWLING BACK TO HER.
BUT-BUT, BABY, JUST 2 DAYS AGO, YOU SAID SHE WAS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU.
NOW YOU'RE JUST WILLING TO THROW ALL THAT AWAY? YES! NO! I DON'T KNOW! MY WHOLE WORLD IS UPSIDE-DOWN! OKAY! LET ME JUST CALL HER FOR YOU NOW, OKAY? I'LL SMOOTH THINGS OVER.
FINE, BUT DON'T TELL HER I'M HERE, OKAY? I CAN'T BE HERE.
ACT NATURAL TOO.
OH, BE QUIET.
EXCUSE ME.
I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.
HEY, KEL, IT'S ME.
LISTEN, I KNOW YOU AND DOUG ARE GOING THROUGH A LITTLE ROUGH PATCH HERE.
I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT SOMETIMES DOUG SAYS THINGS HE REALLY DOESN'T MEAN.
THE THING IS, IS HE'S JUST NOT THAT BRIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT I DO WITH HIM? I GIVE HIM A PRETZEL OR A CHOCOLATE PUDDING.
THAT JUST CALMS HIM RIGHT DOWN.
REALLY.
UH-HUH.
OKAY.
BUT, KEL, IF HE CAN JUST- OKAY.
BYE.
SO? YOU'RE DEAD TO HER.
I GOT FIRED.
WHAT? SO, WHAT HAPPENED? ARTHUR SAID THAT I SHOULDN'T ASK MR.
BERMAN FOR A RAISE, SO I DEMANDED ONE.
I DID THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT HE SAID.
WHY DIDN'T THAT WORK? BECAUSE I KNEW WHAT YOU WERE DOING, AND I GAVE YOU THE OPPOSITE OF THE OPPOSITE.
WHAT? YEAH.
"LOOSE LIPS" OVER HERE TOLD ME EVERYTHING.
YOU COST ME MY JOB! I CAN'T PAY MY RENT NOW! I'M GONNA BE OUT ON THE STREET! AND YOU HURT MY FEELINGS, SO NOW WE'RE EVEN.
MUCH LIKE THE NEO-REALISTS OF THE '70S, YOUR USE OF FRUIT AND OFTEN BREAD SEEM SIGNIFICANT.
AH, LE FRUIT.
YES.
YEAH.
I PLACED A ROTTING APPLE ON THE WINDOWSILL TO TRY AND SYMBOLIZE THE CORRUPTION OF PASCHA'S SOUL.
MM.
WHAT SYMBOLIZES THAT MY ASS IS ASLEEP? SHH! YOU SHUSH! WAS THE RAIN IN THE LAST SCENE PLANNED- WOULD YOU SIT STILL? THIS IS BRUTAL.
HOW MUCH LONGER IS THIS? I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE AN HOUR.
AN HOUR? WOULD YOU PLEASE CONTROL HIM? I AM TRYING.
A LITTLE HELP HERE, YOU KNOW.
HE'S YOUR HUSBAND.
I KNOW THAT.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP THROWING THAT IN MY FACE.
I'M GONNA ASK HIM A QUESTION ABOUT PEPE LE PEW.
STOP IT! THAT'S IT.
I'M OUTTA HERE.
NO, PLEASE DON'T GO.
I'LL PUT HIM IN THE CAR.
THIS WHOLE THING IS GETTING KIND OF WEIRD ANYWAY.
IT'S NOT WEIRD, IT'S GREAT.
I'M SORRY, CARRIE.
DEACON, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE! YOU'RE CAUSING A SCENE.
I DON'T CARE! CARRIE, IT'S OVER.
YOU STILL GOT ME.
SHUT UP.
LOOK, I'M NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT EITHER, BUT THIS IS THE HAND WE'VE BEEN DEALT.
YOU KNOW? SO WHAT DO WE DO NOW? WHAT DO WE DO? WE MAKE THE BEST OF IT.
WELL, I GUESS I CAN MAKE MORE OF AN EFFORT TO DO THE STUFF THAT YOU WANT TO DO.
WELL, THERE YOU GO.
THAT'S MY BABY.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT? MAYBE I'LL MAKE MORE OF AN EFFORT TO DO THE STUFF THAT YOU WANT TO DO.
LET'S START WITH ME.
WHOA! WHA! SEE, THIS MOVIE'S A NICE COMPROMISE.
IT'S FRENCH, BUT IT'S ABOUT A GUY WHO CUTS OFF PEOPLE'S FEET WITH A CHAINSAW.
EXCEPT THEY DON'T SHOW ANYTHING.
THEY JUST TALK ABOUT IT IN A CAFE.
WELL, THEY'RE LEAVING IT UP TO YOUR IMAGINATION.
OKAY, I DIDN'T PAY $10 TO IMAGINE- SHH! HEY, DON'T SHUSH HIM.
HE'S RIGHT.
THIS MOVIE BLOWS.
I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD HAVE SEEN ANGEL OF DEATH.
YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST STARTING.
DO YOU WANT TO GO? OKAY.
OKAY.