The King of Queens s09e01 Episode Script

Mama Cast

Bad news.
Yeah, if it's about being out of mini donuts, I'm aware, and i'm not happy.
No, you know how i'm supposed to show those model homes today? I've been talking about it for the last 2 weeks so i can finally prove myself to mr.
My boss? Ok.
Anyway, i totally forgot.
We're supposed to meet with steve, our financial adviser.
Do you ever listen to me when i talk? Do you? You're really boring, i gotta tell you.
Doug, i really need you to listen to me right now.
All right, i'll give it a whirl.
I need you to take our tax refund check And sit with steve and talk about investments.
Wouldn't i be more useful doing something i'm good at, Like soda shopping or lying down? Come on.
I need you to take an interest in our finances.
Now, there's a bunch of investments here.
I'm sure you can find something you can get excited about, ok? Tell steve i'm sorry i couldn't make it.
Who's steve? Our financial guy.
I'm kidding.
I'm joking around.
You weren't joking, were you? No, i wasn't.
Oh, i'm sorry.
I'm supposed to be showing a model home.
No, this is it.
Come on in.
The kids and i are just watching the 40-Year-Old virgin.
It's raunchy, but doggone, it sure is funny.
Carrie, good, you're here.
Uh, mr.
Who are these people? They're professional actors pretending to be a family.
Oh, ok.
Question answered.
It's called home staging.
When potential buyers see a family living in the house, It helps them envision themselves living here.
I gotta tell you, that sounds like a super weird idea.
It was mine.
Excuse me, carrie.
Oh, damn it.
All right.
I'll take care of it.
It's bad news.
Our mom isn't showing up.
She just booked a c.
All right.
Well, single dad.
Nothing wrong with that.
Nothing wrong with the breakdown of the american family? You know, we are really not here today, are we? Carrie You've gotta be the mom.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I am much better at selling.
Besides, i am way too young to be playing someone with kids that age.
I think you can get away with it.
Wealth building annuities.
That's stupid.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing? He's saving my place.
Hey, no back cutsies.
Everybody knows that.
Believe this guy? Unbelievable.
Yeah, can i get an eskimo pie And an orange push pop? I like the push pop.
You gotta work to get it.
A lot of people don't want to put in the time, but not this guy.
Hurray for you.
That's 2.
You really, uh, you really selling this truck? Sure am.
My name's cal.
Would you, uh Would you say this is a, uh Good investment? Good enough to buy me a condo in florida.
Come on.
I had a really hard day.
Just keep your eyes closed.
Come on.
All right, get ready.
And open 'em.
Ta-Da! Please tell me there's an ice cream man using our bathroom.
Oh, there's an ice cream man, But he's not using our bathroom.
He's standing right here.
Where i am.
What i'm saying, I'm the ice cream man.
I am.
What? I took our refund check and i bought this truck.
Doug, you threw away $3,000.
You told me to invest in something i'd be excited about.
Well, guess what? I'm excited.
Yeah, i bet you are excited.
How much of it did you eat already? None, ok? That's rule one in the ice cream game.
You don't get high on your own supply.
Oh, my god.
I think it's really gonna happen.
I'm actually gonna kill you this time.
Would you stop? I thought this out, believe me.
I get done with my i.
Route at 4:00, And then i hit the streets in this bad boy.
You don't know anything about the ice cream business.
I'm on top of it.
I looked at his books.
I saw his profit margin.
Huh? I got a list of all his suppliers.
It's gonna work.
Really? Carrie, i'm telling you, You're gonna be proud of me.
I swear.
I don't know, maybe maybe this could be your thing.
This is definitely my thing.
Now, come on.
Let's ride this truck To an early retirement, huh? Ha ha ha ha ha! And you wanted to marry a doctor.
Hey, who wants to play a board game? I do, daddy.
Sounds great.
How about you, honey? I'm ok.
All right.
You guys pick out a game.
I'm gonna make us some popcorn.
Uh, you know, carrie, We were hired to act like a family here.
And mom is reading a magazine, And then she's gonna go outside and have a cigarette.
Oh, let's play monopoly.
I want outburst.
I don't wanna play outburst.
Because you suck at it, dumbass.
Hey, the casting director said you weren't allowed to curse.
Well, if you weren't a dumbass, i wouldn't have to.
You quit it.
Ok, quit it.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
I just read the same sentence 5 times, And i still don't know how heidi klum lost the baby weight.
Now quit the yapping.
But he cursed at me.
Ok, listen Charlotte, yes.
He's only doing that to push your buttons, So stop letting it bother you, And boy Kenny.
Kenny will stop doing it, all right? Now here's how it's gonna go down.
You're gonna play monopoly but- You're gonna play monopoly.
Yeah, that's right.
That's for the dumbass comment.
Hey! And if you want to roll your eyes, You can roll 'em right up those stairs, 'Cause i ain't having that down here, buddy.
Ok, you come with the house? I'm sorry.
What? If you can handle my kids The way you handled those two, I'd come in at over asking price.
Ah, thank you.
You're welcome.
Oh, all right.
I'll play.
All right.
You got a fudgesicle, some gummy rolls, And a bomb pop.
Now, you're not driving, are you? Ice cream and comedy.
Tell your friends.
All right, man, step up.
I'll have a vanilla drumstick, please.
Excuse me.
Drumstick? Oh, yeah.
That's the guy that usually has this spot.
Oh? Yeah, well, you know, you snooze, you lose, right? Hey, it's me.
You're probably not home yet.
Just wanted to let you know i reeled in about $500 today And a hello kitty notebook.
Susie was a little low on cash.
All right.
See you later.
Oh, you wanna go? Let's go.
Dammit! What's happening? Fresh baked cookies.
Those smell great.
Hey, how'd you do on that science test? All right.
Go hit the books, buddy.
When you get those grades up, We'll talk about getting you that dirt bike.
Hey, char-Char.
You want some cookies, babe? Ok.
Hey, you.
Is everything ok? I don't know.
There's this really cute boy in school.
Michael? Yeah.
But he likes donna pisani.
Well, just make him like you instead.
How? Well, you just start a nasty rumor about the other girl.
You know, she's a skank or she's poor.
Could be anything really.
And before you know it, you'll be wearing his varsity jacket.
Really? Yeah.
How do you think i landed your dad? Bob, i think it's time to take somebody bra shopping.
Oh, my god.
Aw, come on.
Yahtzee! Here you go.
Candy necklace, huh? Who's that for, your girlfriend? No, it's for me.
Hey, that's ok, too.
All right, i gotta take a little bathroom break, So who wants to watch the truck? Yeah, ain't gonna happen.
Bones, you.
Get up there.
Sheesh! Oh, good.
You're home.
Hey, what do we have weapon-Wise? I don't know.
Listen, i want to talk to you.
You know how i've been working At this model home the last couple days? Uh-Huh.
Well oh, my god.
I'm kind of embarrassed to even say it out loud.
Wiffleball bat.
What the hell am i gonna do with that? But, look, i know it's not real and i'm just pretending, But i'm actually starting to enjoy it.
I like being a mom.
I like having a husband who tucks his shirt in, you know? I like having a skylight over the sink.
Doing dishes It's a joy.
I know i'm not crazy.
I'm not.
But it's just that it's getting harder and harder Not to fall into this fantasy and- What are you doing? I'm kicking ass and taking names.
Doug, i am trying to talk to you here.
I'm happy in the model home, Happier than i am here.
I'm falling in love with my fake family.
Quick, get down! What is going on? I'm being stalked by mr.
Soft serve.
What? Don't worry.
He's got the upper hand now, But i'm thinking on it, And soon the hunter's gonna become the hunted.
Doug? I need you to give me a reason to stay.
I gotta pee again.
Keep low.
Next time, check for the big open door.
There they are.
Hey, carrie.
Hey, fun idea.
Today at lunch, let's all get matching shirts.
Actually, i already have lunch plans.
Well, change 'em, baby.
Come on.
We have to spend time as a family.
Before you know it, you guys are gonna be out of the house and Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
Hey, save some room, 'Cause i'm making blueberry muffins.
Bob Who's that woman? Uh, this is cheryl.
Casting sent her over, so you're off the hook.
What? Hey, carrie.
Oh, mr.
I guess they sent over another mom, But you know what? Actually, i'm fine doing it.
That's all right, carrie.
I came to take you back to the office.
Kaufman, i'm not a quitter.
Hon, why don't you give me back the apron.
Oh, that's ok.
Give it back to me or i'm gonna take you down.
Yes? Carrie, i really think No.
Kaufman, this is not fair to bob, Especially charlotte and kenny, To change moms like this.
I mean, you don't have to be oprah To know that's gonna mess 'em up.
The truth is You're being replaced because They complained about you.
What? I'll wait for you in the car.
So you did this? It's just You made us feel a little uncomfortable, You know, with the kisses and the family naps.
And you guys are ok with this? I mean, you want her to be the mom and not me? Uh-Huh.
You were cool until you kind of went all nutbar.
Did i go nutbar, kenny? Really? Because you didn't think i went nutbar When i got that splinter out for you.
And you had no problem with the nutbar When i was doing your math homework.
I got a check minus minus.
That is not the point, ok? The point is everything i did i did with love.
And this is the thanks i get? Well, that's fine, ok? If this is what you want, then forget it, ok? No more cookies, no more advice, And no more of this.
Yeah, bob, you didn't think i caught you enjoying that view? Because i did.
Carrie I'm gay.
How much more am i supposed to take? I can only give you $1,200.
But i paid you 3,000.
Hey, kid.
Yeah? Catch.
Hey, this truck really for sale? Sure is.
My name is cal.
Pleased to meet you.
You know, it's a great little investment.
It got me a condo in florida.
A condo? Nice.
Fresh baked cookies.
So sweet.
You still wanna play monopoly? I'm gonna go have a cigarette.