The King of Queens s09e07 Episode Script

Home Cheapo

A- Bub-Bub-Bub-Bub! You have a seat, young lady.
Today, i am taking care of breakfast.
Whatever you're in the mood for, you just name it.
Oh! Ok.
Um, how about a short stack of pancakes? Ok, i'm making eggs.
I'll have 2, sunny side up.
Already scrambled.
Perfect! Perfect.
Got a little shell in there.
All right, here we go.
Come on, buddy.
Take it to the edge.
Take it to the edge! Take it to the edge - I got it.
I got it.
Dammit! It's all right.
Take it to the edge.
Not gonna work - I'm just gonna grab it here.
I got it.
I got-Whoop! I got a hair in there.
Take it to the edge.
Take the hair to the edge.
I got it.
We're all good.
What the hell is that? You know what? I'm just gonna grab something at work.
Come on! Whatever it is, the heat'll kill it.
Just stay! Hey, arthur.
Um, is carrie home? Nope, they're out with friends.
I just finished watching tv in their bed.
Mum's the word.
She said she had a book on résumé writing That she would loan me.
I- I gotta find a new job.
My unemployment runs out in, like, a week.
Ah, yes, no more sucking on the taxpayer's teat! Right.
Would-Would you happen to know where that book is? Spencer, how-To books are a waste of time.
I can teach you everything you need to know.
Um, arthur, i think i'd rather Learn from someone who's been successful at Anything.
It's true.
I've never held a job very long, But i've landed myself over 74 of them- One as a woman! Yeah, i'm gonna keep looking for that book.
Look, spencer.
All day long, i sit in that basement Doing the word jumbles and praying for death.
If i could help someone else succeed, I'd be accomplishing something.
Let me live through you, huh? I- All right, what do we do? Come downstairs.
We'll play some trust games And take it from there.
Come on- Let's go, baby.
I'm glad we did something different.
Nah, that's the last magic show i go to.
I don't need to pick a card or see a bunny.
Those metal hoops- They can keep 'em together, take 'em apart- I- I-I don't care! Well, i thought he was amazing.
Man, you're just upset 'cause he said he needed A bigger saw to cut you in half.
If a magician needs to be hurtful, He's not very good.
All right, next weekend we'll do something That's a little more your speed.
Actually, we got plans next weekend.
No, we don't.
Yeah, we do.
All right, look, i was gonna wait, But i've had something poking me In the pocket all night long.
You think you're gonna keep that going till next weekend? You know what these are? We got it? I just signed the papers today.
Oh! Wha? Wha-What's going on? We got a vacation home.
What? Can you believe it? I cannot believe it! I forgot the saucers.
So where is it? It's, like, 2 hours outside of the city, Right on this little lake.
You guys are gonna love it.
Oh, you know what? Hey-Let's celebrate With some cake! Oh, my god, i'm so happy.
This is fantastic.
What's the matter? Don't tell me we're out of cake.
No! Then what is it? What is it? How can you say, "what is it?" Whom is it? Doug, they bought a vacation house.
A vacation house! I get it.
Ok, you're sad 'Cause your friends are happy.
Come here, someone needs a hug! No.
No! I understand.
Listen to me, man.
I mean, how come we can't afford a vacation house? You make just as much money as deacon does And she doesn't work at all! Maybe their rich uncle died.
I didn't know they have a rich uncle.
I don't think they do.
Oh, come on! Look, maybe they got some sort of settlement.
Oh, like from a malpractice suit.
A botched surgery maybe? Yes, yes.
Oh, yeah, look at that.
Kelly's boobs do not look right.
Eh, her boobs are as good as yours or mine.
H- Hey.
How many people does it take to cut a cake, Am i right? We'll be right in, all right.
You just slap a smile on your face And you pretend you like it when good things happen to other people.
All right? They're waiting.
No, i can't.
Just make an excuse or something.
I- I have to get into bed.
They may have a vacation home on a lake, But we got something much better.
What? We got this.
All right.
You done with that résumé yet? I want to be at the pool by 4:00.
Yeah, here.
Take a look.
"Name- Spence olchin.
" Not loving it.
My name? What do you think of "clark gable"? I- What? "Clark gable" will get you in doors.
It's an icebreaker- "Oh, my goodness! Your name is clark gable! You're hired!" I- I'm gonna stick with spence olchin.
It's your funeral.
Now, what did you put under special skills? Oh, um- "Type 60 words a minute.
" Uh, "familiar with excel and powerpoint computer programs.
" Uh, "speak spanish and, uh, certified c.
" Mm-Hmm.
And are you applying for a job at a boredom factory? What am i supposed to do? Nothing.
You're brutal on paper.
All right, let's move on to the Mock interview.
All right.
All right, mr.
Tell me why you think you would be An asset to this company.
Uh, well, during my tenure with the metropolitan transit authority, I learned to deal with people, And i think that that's given me the abili- What are you doing? Giving you a taste of the real world.
Now stop worrying about my hand And tell me where you see yourself In 5 years.
Well, in 5 year, i- Oh, god So, we're so looking forward to having you guys Come up to the house on saturday.
I mean, the weather's supposed to be great.
I gotta be honest.
Unless the weather Affects the cable reception, It's all the same to me.
Nah, really, man, It's a whole different world up there.
And we found this awesome restaurant.
It's a converted barn.
Mmm-Don't you just love it when you find things? Like, you ever just walk down the street And find, like, a big bag of money? Never happened to you? Does that ever happen to anyone? I don't know.
Does it? So, uh, how's your rich uncle doing? I don't have a rich uncle.
Anymore 'Scuse me.
Hello? Oh, hey, denise.
Is everything ok with the kids? Ok-Oh Listen, we'll be home in 10 minutes.
Major has another ear infection.
Oh, no.
Uh, you know, we should get the check.
Oh, no, no, no, we got it, we got it.
Get out of here-Go.
Go, take care of it.
Thanks, man.
All right.
Thanks, guys.
Later, guys.
Hope major's ok.
What? You see what just happened here? We're picking up the check.
I think that happens a lot.
Carrie, their kid is sick.
Was he? I mean, did we actually hear the other end of the phone call? No, we did not.
How do we know there's even a "denise, the babysitter"? I met her-She's hot.
And it's not just about paying for dinner.
I mean, kelly never has her wallet.
I'm always buying her gum and magazines And she says, "i'll catch you next time.
" Well, she ain't caught me yet.
You know, you're right.
You know, when deacon and i went to jimmy's bachelor party, Guess who laid out the money for the stripper To do all the extra stuff-Me.
That's 'cause you're a good guy, baby.
Oh! And who watches their kids all the time for free? That saves 'em a crapload of money! Hell, yeah, denise is expensive And hot.
Ok, you mentioned that.
I'm just saying- She's very hot.
She should be, like, a model or something.
Hey, how tall do you have to be, like, a model? 'Cause she's, like, 5'9"- Ok, stop with the denise.
Ok? Ooh- I have a big one.
Who paid for the magic show the other night? Oh-Abracadabra, us! Exactly.
Oh, wait a second.
No, they said They were gonna pay for dessert later.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
Except we never went for dessert Because kelly wanted to stop at our house to use the bathroom.
Yeah-Oh, our house, where the dessert is always free! Yeah! God, they're good! That's how they can afford their fancy getaway, 'Cause we helped pay for it! Unbelievable Here's your check, And your friend's doggy bag.
Well, you know what? This is coming home with me.
Huh? Huh, what do you think? Wow! Check out our view of the lake.
Wow! Oh, just throw your stuff on the bench.
Wow! I'll take your bag upstairs.
Just make yourself comfortable.
Remember, our casa es su casa.
Ok! Got that right.
I tell you, i look around here and i think, "This should be mine.
"My fireplace, my living room, my- Ugly-Ass pillow with ducks wearing raincoats!" This all should be mine! Look at this.
They got a canoe.
I'll tell you one thing- That's coming home with me.
All right, what are you gonna do with a canoe in queens? What am i not gonna do with a canoe in queens? Doug, we can't stay here this weekend.
You can't ride tandem bikes with people you hate.
Well, i'll tell you something-I'm gonna only pretend to pedal.
I wanna see them pull this up bear mountain.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Wait a second, would you- Listen to us.
Come on, we can't be doing this.
Doug, i'm sorry, but this whole thing ruined our friendship.
We gotta get on the next bus home.
Carrie, they're our best friends! All right, look, there's gotta be a way we can work this out.
All right, how 'bout this? Starting now, no more pickin' up checks, No more free babysitting, No more nothin'.
The gravy train stops here.
And no jokes about the gravy train always stopping here, ok? We're on the same team- Don't you ruin that.
Hey, arthur.
Hey, spencer! Today we'll go over the dos and don'ts of interview dress.
That is a "don't.
" Look, arthur, i tracked down a really good job.
It's in a publishing company.
Really? Yeah.
Check this out.
"Generous starting pay, "Benefits, creative environment, No experience necessary.
" I interview there monday morning! That's wonderful, my boy.
You're going to get that job, And your victory will be my victory.
Arthur, i- I really wanna thank you for helping me out.
I mean-I mean, Your methods were a little invasive, But, um, i really think they gave me the confidence i needed.
Think nothing of it.
You know what? I have a dickey you can borrow.
It's downstairs in my bureau.
Uh, you know what, i'm just gonna- I'll febreze it and you'll wear it! Thanks, arthur.
Um, arthur, why is your hand down there? Are you still prepping me for the interview? Sure.
Hey, where's doug and carrie? The reservation's at 8:00.
Oh, they're coming.
Wow, it's been nice having them up here with us, huh? Yeah, they're really great.
If you like cheap white people.
I know.
What is with them? I mean, we let 'em stay at our house And we pay for everything.
The lunch, the jet skis.
Well, they better pay for dinner tonight.
Oh they will.
Ok, all right, i got one for you.
Bill paxton or bill pullman? Bill paxton.
All right.
All right.
While you were sleeping- Paxton or pullman? Please, that is pure pullman.
Come on, i'm not even breaking a sweat here.
All right, all right, i got one for you.
Casper, the friendly ghost.
Paxton or pullman? I was just watching this-Uh I wanna say paxton.
No? No? Wrong-Drink! Drink.
Oh, man.
Here's your check.
Dinner be done.
That it be.
Thanks, you guys.
This was great.
Oh, no Thank you.
So the mets are looking good this year, right? Yeah, they are, they are.
They-They can always use another starter, but, uh I likes what i see.
Oh, kelly, there's a fly right there.
Oh, sorry- Missed it.
God, is it me, or is it a million degrees in here? It's just you.
Wow, you know, look at the time.
We should probably take off.
Oh, god! Doug! Oh, my god! Are you hurt? I just stabbed my foot with a butter knife.
I'm very much hurt, yes.
We gotta go take care of this.
We got to-Sorry.
Never a dull moment with this one, right? We'll see you back at the house.
Nicely done.
Oh, yeah.
I play to win.
Now let's go- My shoe's filling with blood.
Hi, i'm spence olchin.
I have a 10 a.
With bob stillman.
Just have a seat.
He'll be with you in a moment.
Well, it was a real pleasure meeting you, mr.
Call me clark.
Let's make this happen.
Arthur, what are you doing here? Nailing an interview.
You applied for the job i told you about? You snooze, you lose.
No, i didn't snooze.
I got here early.
I'm sorry, spence, but don't you see? This is my last chance for success.
No, you-You said if i was successful, You were gonna live through me.
Change of plans.
You're gonna live through me.
Olchin? Mr.
Stillman will see you now.
You know what, arthur? I'm gonna go in there, I'm gonna dazzle them, And i'm gonna get this job.
And you'll have done all of this for nothing.
Don't count it- I bad-Mouthed you pretty good.
Ok, we're ready.
Ok, good.
Hey, honey, we've got, like, no gas.
Oh, ok.
You guys continue packing.
I'll go fill the car up.
That-That'd be great.
So you got, like, a texaco card or? Sorry, i already packed my wallet.
Oh, really, which bag? Doug will get it.
Doug, get it.
That's ok.
I think it's good where it is.
It's just that we paid for gas On the way up here, And it's not cheap.
Well, i know what is cheap.
I know what is cheap, too.
I don't think you do know what is cheap.
I do know what's cheap! Yeah, really? What's cheap? You guys! What?! Yeah, that's right.
We are? Brother, you stabbed your own damn foot To get out of paying the check.
Yeah, that's because that's the only way We can get out of picking up a check.
What are you talking about? We paid for everything all weekend.
We have been carrying you guys for years.
What?! Gum and strippers ain't free, buddy.
And don't even get us started on holiday gifts.
Yeah, is it christmas or kwanzaa? Pick one! I can't believe what i'm hearing.
Guy, how much money do i spend on you At lunch every day? Look-Hey, we always split the bill in half.
We don't split the food in half.
All right, ok, listen.
If you haven't been sponging off us for years And you don't have a dead rich uncle, Then how do you explain That you guys can afford this place and we can't? Not that it's any of your business, But we have been saving for this place For a very long time.
We've been taking part of my paycheck Every week and putting it aside.
Look, we've cut back on takeout, gifts for each other.
We really sacrificed.
Well, i don't need your whole life story.
And anyway, we can save if we wanted to.
Then why didn't we? Why didn't we? You're asking me, "why didn't we?" Are you saying it's my fault? Uh, excuse me, but i'm not the one Who invests my paycheck in white castle every night.
Hey, first of all, i almost always have a coupon, Which is more than you can say when you go buy Your fancy halston dresses! Ok, i don't have any halston dresses, idiot.
It's not 1979.
I'm gonna be in the car! Wait, i saw you packing some pretty fancy clothes With some fruity labels, and that spells cash! Yeah, you don't even know how to spell cash! So we ever gonna tell them about the, uh, bad boob job? Uh, hell no! We take that to the grave! I mean they're looking a lot better, right? Oh, yeah.
We checked your résumé.
None of your references have ever heard of you, And that social security number you gave us Is the gamblers anonymous hotline.
We're gonna have to ask you to leave.
All right, then.
So tell me about your new job, big guy.
Nice try, spanky.
I already got fired.