The King of Queens s09e09 Episode Script

Mild Bunch

Hey! Baby, that face is really Going to set us back in the bedroom.
Sorry, i'm just, You know, my high school reunion, i'm pumped.
Yeah, i noticed that When you karate-Kicked my makeup mirror.
You know what? That's the way i was Back in high school, too, man.
I hung with a pretty rough crowd.
Don't be surprised if tonight you get a call from the cops.
Oh, why? Is it illegal to wear stonewashed? All right, sounds like someone's lashing out 'Cause they're a little insecure about me going stag.
No, honey, i want you to have a good time, all right.
I just want to rent a movie tonight and relax.
All right, but you're playing with fire, 'Cause a lot of these ladies Haven't seen the machinery in a while.
Did you take your lactose pill? No, not yet.
I didn't take it.
What? Talk to me about the hair, woodruff.
Aw, come- According to cosmo men, This look is all over europe right now.
One more reason not to go to europe.
Oh, by the way, spence, If i hook up with someone tonight, You're going to have to sleep someplace else, All right, per our agreement.
W- Wait.
What if i hook up with someone And you have to sleep somewhere else Per our agreement? 'Cause i said it first, i got dibs.
No, you can't call dibs.
I pay half the rent.
So what? I- So what? It- Guys, guys, guys! Has this whole "bring a woman home" thing Ever actually come up? Well, yeah.
Excuse me, Where is your v.
Section? Uh, right over there.
That's it? That's the only tapes you have? One for every person who still has a v.
Wait, i know you.
Aren't you the old man that got me fired From the java hut? Doesn't ring a bell, but you do look like A person who might annoy me.
You know, it took me I had to go on welfare.
Well, you've made quite the comeback, excuse me.
Dad? Oh, hello, darling.
Hey, it's funny running into you here.
Just renting a movie to watch tonight.
Oh, yeah, me too.
Since i don't have A digital vd player in my room, The selections are pretty sparse.
Well, hey, i envy you, I mean, i have way too many choices.
It's always something, right? Mm-Hmm.
All right, well, i'll see you tomorrow.
Hey, um, dad, i was thinking, um, Do you want to rent a movie And watch it together tonight? I'd love to.
We haven't seen a movie together since you were 8, remember? Death wish, yeah.
Well, this time my little girl picks any movie she wants.
Ok, good! Let's see, um, What do we got here? Oh! How about, uh, in her shoes? That's supposed to be good.
Why? Because in 1987, shirley maclaine Cut me off in line at the rite aid.
I will not give that woman a dime, Not in any of her lives.
Have fun.
We got plenty of drinks.
And food.
And food? Oh, yeah, i get it, i'm still big.
Yeah, ok.
Matthew klein, you sick, sick man! Doug, great to see you! God, i figured you'd be in jail by now.
Well, might as well be.
Marriage, am i right? So, hey, did you ever end up doing that stuntman thing? Oh, no, no, no.
I'm a stay-At-Home dad.
But, you know, with 3 little monsters running around, That's pretty dangerous, too.
Ok, man, later! So, uh, What do you say we duck out of here a little early And go back to casa de danny for a little post-Reunion union? No, thanks.
Oh, come on.
I remember how you used to stare at me All through biology class.
Actually i was staring at your lab partner jake.
He's my husband now.
Ha ha ha! Yeah.
Boy, talk about going a long way to make me jealous.
So, are we going to do this or what? Oh, and i'm totally allergic to any kind of nut.
Oh, me-Me too.
I have a picture of mr.
Peanut on my dartboard.
But i can't do anything with it Because i'm also allergic to dart feathers.
Oh, i can top that.
If i even see a banana, i run screaming.
Man, that's swell.
You know, i- I can't believe We went to the same high school together and never met.
Yeah, not even in the special cafeteria.
Well, i'm, um I'm very glad we finally met tonight.
You know what? I'm going to go talk to my friend for just a second, But i'll be right back.
Mmm, you better be.
All right, this is lame.
Ready to go to ihop? Uh Actually, i think i'm going to be needing the apartment.
What? Yeah.
See that cutie over there by the bar? Uh, if things go as planned, She's leaving with me.
Melinda rayburn? Mm-Hmm.
I remember her.
She-She came out senior year.
She came out? Of what? She's gay, spence.
Are you crazy? She wore a tuxedo to the prom.
And she went with a girl Who wore a tuxedo to the prom.
Well, you know what? Um, looks like old spence Is bringing her back to the men's department.
Or maybe she doesn't realize She's in the men's department.
What are you saying? Well, think about it, man.
It's dark in here, she's had a couple of drinks.
You walk in with your leather And your little faux-Hawk.
Maybe she got the wrong idea, bro.
Wait, are you - Are you saying she thinks i'm a Lesbian? Well, i'm getting a k.
Lang kinda thing going on.
You know what? This is- This is ridiculous! I mean, i'm clearly a man.
This has never been an issue.
All right, well, whatever you say there, spike.
If i even see a banana, i run screaming.
That is a beaut.
Oh, yeah.
I'm already looking for my next one.
Yeah, like my wife says, If you can't find me at home, You can find me at the camera store.
Home depot.
Oh, yeah! Yeah, come on, guys.
What do you say we do something crazy tonight, Like old times.
Let's get nutty! Yeah, like what? I don't know.
Let's go pick on some nerds.
Hey, that spence guy is here.
All right! Jeff "the beast" sussman! Call security, look who's here! Hey, buddy! Great to see you.
What's going on, man? Oh, thank god you're here, by the way.
It is brutal over there.
Squires, he just tried to get me in a bridge game.
Oh, you're really going to like this one.
Guess who the vice principal is now.
Who? Me.
Yeah, the vice principal is you.
What? Yeah.
But you were the guy Who set our vice principal on fire.
I didn't set him on fire.
I set a garbage can on fire.
He caught fire trying to put out that fire.
But you were the craziest kid in school, man.
I don't know, i guess i got some help.
I grew up.
Excuse me, mr.
Yeah, principal nagel, how are you? Uh, we seem to be running out of soda.
I want you to run down to the store.
You think maybe we could get one of the catering guys to do it? I, uh, was just catching up with doug here.
Hey, sir.
How ya doing? Heffernan.
Looks like the vertical never caught up with the horizontal.
Oh, and get me some of that ginger ale that i like, please.
Absolutely, sir! Don't worry, darling.
That's not a real gorilla.
It's actually a man in a gorilla suit.
Yeah, the zipper in the back kinda gave it away.
Oh, here comes the best part.
The gorilla's going to scare him, and he's going to faint.
There! He just did it.
Did you see? Why didn't you laugh? Because you're kinda telling me What's going to happen before it happens, And then while it happens, And then again after it happens.
W- What are you doing? I'm going to go back to that video store And get something you don't hate.
No, dad, you don't have to do that.
I'm enjoying it, i mean it- No, you just tell me What my little girl would like to see.
In her shoes? I'll find something.
Ginger ale, ginger ale, ginger ale Where's the ginger ale? Oh, man, we might have to go somewhere else.
Oh, just stop, all right.
Man, look at this, here.
Lemon-Lime, it's the same thing.
No, i tried that with him one time.
It was a bad week.
Ugh, freaking nagel, jeez.
Hey, remember when he got That, uh, brand new chrysler cordoba, And we egged the crap out of it? Yeah, that was a good night.
Funny, he actually just sold that thing.
He bought a prius with the bonus he got For reports i wrote.
Prius, huh? What do you say, on the way home, We go a little yolk-O ono on him? Come on! No, no! Definitely, yes! No, no, no.
Hey, listen to me.
He called me horizontal, and jeff sussman? He's got you sweating over ginger ale? Let's take him down a notch! We're not kids anymore, doug.
I- I don't know about this.
Yeah, you know what? We're not dead either, ok? Just one night, and then we'll go back To our boring, stupid lives.
The expired ones are extra smelly.
I'll take care of dante, You just try to get some sleep.
I - I can't believe you're doing all this for me.
You're a federal witness.
It's my job.
Is it just your job? 'Cause i keep thinking it's something more.
I'll be back in 20 minutes.
Maybe we should continue this over at your place? Works for me.
B - Before we go, though, can i just clear up one little thing? What is it? Uh, you know what? It's just something My idiot friend said.
Just don't worry about it.
Ok, one second.
Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.
Oh, you want to freshen yours up? Hey, how's it going? All right, catch you later.
Hey, you're danny heffernan.
Justin rayvo.
Good to see you, buddy.
Oh, yeah, man.
I know who you are.
Captain of the football team, Prom king, Mathlete.
I'm just surprised you remembered me.
Of course i do.
You were the team's only male cheerleader.
Yeah, till i fell off the top of the pyramid.
Yeah, that was crazy.
So, you wanna get out of here? Yeah! Whoo! Clemens bringing the heat.
Oh, yeah! Shiner! Oh, nice! Yeah! I can't believe- This is fun, right? You talked me into this.
Oh, off the top! Here we go.
This is fun.
This is fun.
It's fun to do this.
Feels right, you know? Hey, sussman.
You can't make any announcements.
That's my job.
Yeah, sussman, You can't-You can't use the phone 'Cause i use the phone for long-Distance calls.
Get me my ginger ale, sussman! Get me my ginger ale! Get some ginger ale, get some ginger ale, Get some ginger ale! All right, uh hey.
Looks like, uh, we're out of eggs.
We better reload then.
We should probably just head back to the reunion.
Back to the store.
You drive.
I'll club some mail boxes.
Come on! This is a really good movie, dad.
You picked a winner.
Thank you, darling.
This popcorn is delicious.
You're a magician with that microwave.
Watch, daddy.
I'm going to swim all the way across.
You can do it, sweetie! I'm doing it! I'm really doing it! This reminds me of when you were a little girl.
Right, dad.
I mean it's like When i would take you to the pool.
Not quite.
What are you talking about? We would go swimming every saturday And we'd have a wonderful time.
Uh, no, we wouldn't go swimming.
Uh, i had to wait in the car while you did water aerobics.
That's how i kept in shape.
Besides, someone had to feed the meter.
I understand that.
But would it have killed you just to crack the window a little bit? Nothing was ever good enough for princess carrie.
Princess, ok.
Dad, i don't know many princesses Who had to pack up in the middle of the night And move every month.
I had bad luck with landlords.
No, not bad luck.
You just didn't pay the rent, so they kicked us out.
Well, i would have been able to pay the rent If i didn't have an ungrateful child Messing up all my inventions.
Ok, are you talking about the turnip peeler? Because that wasn't an invention, It was a potato peeler with a fancy handle.
I mean, i was 8, and i knew that.
That's outrageous.
You know what, dad? When i saw you at the video store tonight, i was just going To pretend like i didn't see you and keep walking.
Then i thought, "no he's your dad, it'd be nice To sit and watch a video with him.
" Next time, i'm just going to keep walking.
That attitude is why i never took you swimming! Well, looks like you're sleeping in the car tonight.
So, she knows you're a guy? Look, every relationship has its little secrets.
I just want to see where this one goes.
Yeah, i'll tell you where.
Oh, ok, you know what? You're just jealous Because i hooked up with someone, and you didn't.
Oh, i guess the captain of the football team isn't somebody.
Captain- Justin rayvo?! Yep.
He's out like trout, And he wants a piece of this.
What exactly are you planning on doing with him? I don't know.
Throw back a couple beers, watch some tube, Who knows? You're just doing this to mess me up.
You're pathetic.
I'm pathetic? At least someone here Thinks i'm an attractive man.
Oh, well, you know what? At least at the end of my rainbow There's a vagina.
Yeah? And what are you going to do When she rounds third base and finds out There's a bat on the field? I'll cross that bridge- Bottom line is i want the apartment.
Yeah, well, so do i.
I'm justin, by the way.
I think we met at outfest '97.
Oh, no.
No! You're kidding me.
Yo! You can't be closed right now! Sussman, man, come on.
What is it, man? You're just getting a little crazy here.
Come on, we already trashed nagel's car.
And i'm pretty sure one of his windows was open.
It was open.
I peed in it.
Come on, what do you say? Let me-Let me take you home, huh? You're right, hef.
You're right, you're right.
All right.
What're you doing? We gotta get the hell out of here! Relax, average response time is 8 minutes.
From when you threw the garbage can through the window? Or starting now? How long's it been? Oh, i gotta go to the bathroom.
Hey, you're going to need gloves.
For what? For when we break into his place.
He's got a rare coin collection.
We're going to steal it, We're going to sell it, We're going to move to mexico.
Try to drink the ginger ale with this on your mouth.
Hey, uh, buddy, i think i'm gonna scoot, But you have a good robbery, And hey, i'll see you at the 25th, sussie! Good catching up with you, hef! I want to rent in her shoes.
I'm afraid we're closed, sir.
But it's for my daughter.
I'm sorry, But you're going to have to come back tomorrow.
Look, i was never there for my daughter.
Never gave her the childhood she deserved.
I only thought of myself.
You sound a lot like my dad.
Then you know what i'm talking about.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if you sat down with him And watched in her shoes? Of course it would.
It's over there! Now, hurry up! Oh, god.
The alarm.
And only the morning crew has the code! I am so fired.
Be sure and let me know where you wind up.
See you in mexico! Whoo! This i didn't see coming.