The Knights of Prosperity (2007) s01e09 Episode Script

Operation: Oswald Montecristo

My fellow knights, As you know, "Operation: mick jagger" was fatally compromised By our archnemesis, The colombian drug lord enrico.
The knights of prosperity need a new target to rob.
So i've asked each one of you To make a presentation on the target of your choice.
Let's get started, shall we? Two words-Stevie Wonder.
Dude, he's blind.
That's the point.
Swayze.
Why- Actor? Yes! Zillionaire? Evidently.
William H.
Macy.
I pick his pocket.
He has $38 in cash And a ticket stub for "tony n' tina's wedding.
" That's good.
Impressive.
robbin' lenny kravitz on a tuesday night sneak into his building and stay out of sight creep into his crib, quiet as a mouse shove a glock in his mouth while he watchin' "house" tie his ass up and make him shake with fright bitch try to run, but his pants too tight i'm gonna kill you, lenny kravitz Thank you.
Thank you.
That was that was thought-provoking.
But what i suggest is that we sleep on it And reconvene tomorrow.
Okay.
You wanna go get some pizza? No, thanks.
I'm good.
So what's going on in your life? Oh, i don't know.
I told you how Mark and I have been trying to renovate our apartment.
Many many times, Kelly, yeah.
Well, here's the latest catastrophe, okay? Our architect just quit on us.
We were working with these guys for, like, three months, And he just up and moves to czechoslovakia.
I'm not kidding.
I'm not sure that country still exists.
Czechoslovakia.
Well, anyway, the point is, he's gone.
He's totally left us in the lurch.
So if anybody out there knows a good architect you don't even need to be a good architect- If you are good with legos, i am begging you, call me! Let's rob Kelly Ripa.
Regis' wife? Nah, nah She was mature from "all my children.
" Why Kelly Ripa? Question- What was the biggest mistake We made when we tried to rob mick jagger? Trying to rob mick jagger.
No.
We didn't case out his joint from the inside.
That's why we didn't know about the cameras and the keypad.
Thumbprint sensor.
The guards.
The panic room.
The thumbprint sensor.
Right.
However, There'll be none of these surprises with Kelly Ripa For one simple reason- She needs an architect.
So? So we just have to pretend we wanna bid on the job.
Ah.
She invite us for interview, We go in, look around, Take all the pictures we want right out in the open.
One problem- We ain't architects.
And how do we get the interview? Well, when my dad was building the house in Palm Beach one of the architects who wanted the job Sent over this amazing promotional dvd.
I mean, everybody was really impressed.
Excuse me.
Who needs Kelly Ripa? Let's rob louis plunk.
Wait a minute, louis.
How we gonna make a dvd? Doesn't that take millions of dollars worth of equipment? Actually, mr.
Gurkin, I can do it with my camcorder and my laptop.
Seriously? And it'll be like in color every day ? Yeah.
Well, then, what are we waiting for, maestro? Let's do it! All right! Architecture.
Design.
Concepts.
Buildings.
Concepts for buildings.
Buildings for you to live in with your family or if you are single alone.
Oswald Montecristo.
And associates.
domoarigato, mr.
Roboto mata au hima de domoarigato, mr.
Roboto I gotta meet this guy.
What's his name? Oswald Montecristo.
Oswald Montecristo.
Oswald Montecristo.
Oswald Montecristo.
machine or mannequin I believe it's Oswald Montecristo.
i am the moldren man Thanks to louis plunk and his fantastic dvd, We got ourselves a meeting with Kelly Ripa! Yeah! Great job! Thank you.
Great job.
Now this is the way it's gonna go down, all right? Me and esperanza are gonna sit with miss Ripa And discuss architecture while the rest of you Fan out around the apartment, Case the joint and, most importantly, take pictures.
Are you better pull the soft, chief? 'Cause the second she finds out you're not an architect, she'll call the cops.
Not gonna happen.
I've been studying all morning.
Go ahead.
Quiz me on the three different types of greek columns.
Doric.
Doric.
Ionic.
Doric.
Ionic.
Ionic.
Ionic.
Ionic.
Doric.
Doric.
Ionic.
Ionic.
Ionic.
Ionic corinthian.
We're ready.
Okay.
Thank you.
Hello.
Oswald Montecristo and associates.
I'm louise, Kelly's assistant, and this is atticus.
What is it? Is it a jackal? No, he's just a doberman.
He's a trained guard dog, But he's terrific with the kids.
Oh.
Hello, spartacus.
How're you doin'? Oh.
I guess he doesn't like prizewinning architects.
Follow me.
Enjoy your meeting.
Thank you.
Wow.
This place is beautiful.
Wow.
Look at that fancy candlestick.
Can i steal it now, please? We're not stealing anything.
We're just casing the joint.
We never steal anything.
Just calm down.
She's right over whoa.
Oswald Montecristo! I'm Kelly.
It really is such a pleasure to meet you.
I, um, uh um uh, yes,m i also am a architect.
Yeah.
Oswald, your video was hilarious.
I think it's great that you have Such a sense of humor about yourself.
What? Oh, thank you.
Thank you, Ripa.
Miss Ripa.
Thank you.
Oh, please.
Call me Kelly.
Kelly.
You know, most people in your industry Take themselves way too seriously, But you let your work speak for itself.
I mean, i can't believe some of those buildings you designed.
That new condo on spring street is beautiful.
Oh, thank you.
Yes.
I love building things.
I love buildings.
I love building buildings.
Forgive Oswald.
He's brilliant, but- But he's socially awkward, Like-Like Russell Crowe in- in the "Beautiful mind.
" Oh, that's okay.
I like the shy ones.
You do? Sure! You're more of a challenge.
Guys, that was awesome.
We know all about the dog, The alarm system, the stuff to steal, huh? We're in business.
Eugene and Kelly Ripa, sitting in a tree k-E-E-S-I-N-G Excuse me? What happened to you in there? You were acting like somebody had slipped you a roofie.
Oh, please.
Okay, that was all part Of the Oswald Montecristo mystique.
Whatever.
We got what we need.
Chief, you better call her and tell her we don't want the job anymore.
With any luck, she'll forget all about Oswaldmonte-Crisco.
Montecristo! Right.
All right.
I'll tell her.
What are we gonna do about that dog? My cousin Maurice raises dobermans.
I'll have him bring one over, and we can practice.
Practice what? When we rob the place, One of us gotta carry a nice juicy steak And wear a dog-proof suit.
That way, the dog spend all his time attacking one dude.
Uh, and that dude will be mr.
Squacieri.
Right, guys? I mean, won't it be fun to see Cranky old squatch tussling around with that dog? Boy, there is a youtube video just waiting to happen.
Comedy gold, baby! Am i right? Yeah, you got get 'em, squatch.
Whatever.
Screw it.
Kelly.
Oswald Montecristo here.
Oswald! I'm so glad you called.
Yes, well, there was something that i wanted to why don't we just have lunch tomorrow? What? We could do some more brainstorming.
Hey, have you been to rocco's new place on madison? I can't say that i have.
So what do you say? I would be honored and delighted.
Oh, great.
Bonne chance.
Bonne chance a vous.
All right, chief.
Take care of yourself.
That was Eugene.
He's sick.
He's not coming in.
This is my cousin Maurice i was telling you all about.
Uh, who we attacking today? I think the jury is still out on that.
U'll be wanting to put this on.
Ooh, big.
Uh, let me ask you something.
Do you have, uh, just some sort of Animal training license or certification That i could, uh, see? Respect.
Uh, hello, i'm meeting Kelly Ripa.
Hi.
You must be mr.
Montecristo.
Yes.
Yes, i am.
May we take your jacket, mr.
Montecristo? Oh.
Why, thank you.
My pleasure, sir.
Enjoy your lunch.
Thanks.
If you'll follow me, mr.
Montecristo.
Enjoy your lunch, sir.
Ah, thank you.
Hello.
Hello.
People here are really concerned that i enjoy my lunch.
Well, i sort of let it slip that you're a big shot, And you know how that goes oh, yes.
Hello, beautiful lady.
Hey, rocco.
Rocco dispirito, fancy, hotshot restaurant owner/chef, Meet Oswald Montecristo, fancy, hotshot architect.
What a thrill it is to have you here.
I wanna make you a special dish.
Tell me what your favorite food is in the whole world.
Apple? I love it.
A simple, straightforward soul.
Well, many times, i find myself globe-trotting, And i wished i had in my possession A red, firm, shiny apple from the good old US.
of A.
Really? Tell me where you've been.
Where haven't i been? It's easier.
Yes.
Yes.
What am i supposed to do? Pretend you're on the show "jackass".
What is this "jackass"? It was a tv show about a bunch of mentally ill men Who tried to kill themselves each week.
Absolutely fantastic.
Maurice, you're the expert.
Is there some kind of technique? Try to roll with it.
R- Roll with it? Fluffy attack! Fluffy, good-Good boy! Fluffy! Aah! Aah! Down, boy! Sit, fluffy.
I'll give you a doggy treat! I'm being attacked by a wild animal! One time, um, i designed A 200-Room mansion in botswana for Ike Turner.
Yes.
And i even dug a moat around To keep the bushmen off the tennis court.
But wait, wait.
Have you designed anything for a US president? I did design a 3,000-Square foot gazebo for Jimmy Carter.
No, come on.
3,000 square feet? Yes, yes.
That little peanut farmer from Georgia likes his shade.
You ready to go again, little man? No, i'm not ready.
I don't want to do this.
Kelly Ripa only has one dog! Why on god's green earth Do i have to do this with three dogs? You can never be too prepared.
Maurice, release the hounds.
Attack! Down, boy! It's okay! Come on, fight back! They're turning you into their bitch.
I am their bitch.
They are physically superior to me.
There are dogs gnawing at my flesh! It could use a little more salt, don't you think? Aah! I have rabies! I've just contracted rabies! A smidge.
Mmm.
This apple crisp is delightful.
Mmm.
I know.
Rocco's a genius.
Oh, gosh.
Look at the time.
I gotta go.
We didn't even get to talk about the apartment.
Well, we can always meet up again tomorrow.
No, you know what? You're my guy.
I'll tell you what.
Why don't you stop by the studio tomorrow before the show, and we'll hash out a proposal, okay? Okay.
We park the cab on this side street And come out the building he.
No, no, see, there's a firehouse they'll tow you in two seconds.
We Oswald hmm.
If i told you something, Do you promise not to be mad at me? That's a frightening opening gambit, sweetheart.
I told the trumps that we'd stop by the benefit At the museum tonight.
Kelly.
Oh, and one other teeny, tiny little thing- They asked if you would give a speech tonight, And i told them that you would.
Again? Why don't they just get jon stewart? Because jon stewart doesn't know the difference Between corinthian, ionic and doric columns.
Father, may we sing you our christmas song? Of course, children.
christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat plee put a penny in the old man's hat Hello! Huh? What? We're making a plan over here.
Remember? To rob Kelly Ripa? Uh, we can't rob her.
What? Yeah, yeah, that-that building's no good.
What's wrong with the building? Well, for starters, It's across the street from a firehouse.
So? So from the get-go, I was perfectly clear that we can't rob a building That's across the street from a firehouse.
You never said that.
Well, we're just gonna have to agree to disagree on this one.
We need to rob someone! I can't waiting anymore.
Well, it's not gonna be Kelly Ripa! What? What? Anybody want any gefilte fish? You left in quite a hurry there, huh, chief? Yeah, well, i've had a lot on my mind these days, squatch.
Care to share? Look, i know this sounds a little crazy, but, uh i've developed strong feelings for Kelly Ripa.
Really? Yeah i think i might love her.
Come now.
That doesn't sound a little crazy.
That sounds very, very, very, very crazy, Eugene.
Okay? She's a big, giant star, Not to mention married with kids.
See, i know that, but when i had lunch with here Whoa! Whoa! You had lunch with her? Yeah, well,when i called her to tell her i couldn't do the job, She asked me, and i couldn't- I couldn't resist.
Squatch, when i'm with her, i feel like a different person.
This lunch the other day- it was-it was beautiful.
It was like magic.
I mean, you should have seen all these people, falling all over themselves, Trying to kick Eugene Gurkin's butt first.
The reason why you felt like a different person when you were with Kelly Ripa- Because you are a different person, Eugene.
You're Oswald Montecristo.
You're missing the point.
She asked me by the show tomorrow, and i'm going, And i'm gonna tell her how i feel.
Chief, you missing the point.
You don't love Kelly Ripa, okay? You love being Oswald Montecristo.
I mean, i know because I want to be Oswald Montecristo, too.
I mean, so does Gary.
So does rockefeller, Esperanza, even rich little Louis.
We all want dignity.
We all want respect And, yes, that well-placed butt-kissing From time to time, but not like this, Eugene.
Don't get it by pretending to be somebody you ain't.
You're better than that.
We know how to get it.
It's by doing what the knights of prosperity set out to do, man.
Hey, can you keep it down out there? I came here to relax.
Sorry.
Here you go, mr.
Montecristo.
Kelly knows you're here, and she'll be right with you.
Thank you.
Can i get you anything? Water? No, i'm-I'm fine, thank you.
Have you seen some guy named Oswald Montecristo? I was supposed to give him this.
This is mr.
Montecristo.
Oh, i am so sorry.
I didn't realize it was you.
It's quite all right.
Well, uh, here's some water and fruit, And if you and anything else, please just let us know.
And again, i am so sorry for not recognizing you.
It's okay.
Welcome everybody to "Live with Regis and Kelly.
" How's everybody doing? I'm so happy to have you Here today in our live studio audience hey.
There he is.
I'm so glad you could come.
Listen, I got to do the show But then we'll chat afterwards, okay? Okay.
Oh, and Regis is dying to meet you.
He's having a dinner party tonight.
He wants to invite you.
I told him you had really good stories.
Oh.
Oh, Kelly.
Um, can we talk before the show? Yeah, sure.
Can-can we sit? Uh okay.
What's up, Oswald? I c-can't do the job.
What? Why? Um, i am, uh, leaving.
Where? Beirut.
What? Yes, i'm-i'm building a building in beirut for the king of beirut, And i will be there for many years.
Oh, well, that's too bad.
I mean, i was really starting to enjoy Oswald Montecristo.
Me, too.
Hey, look who it is.
It's tv's Ray Romano! Yeah.
Yeah, i do? How's it going? Good.
Good.
Good.
You know, i was just-i was just looking at these questions you're gonna ask.
"How do you prepare to be The voice of the woolly mammoth from 'ice age'?" I can't do it.
Do we have to go that way? Really? Are-Are you okay? You don't seem like yourself.
You see, that's the point.
How-How would you know if i'm-I'm like myself If these are the lame questions you're gonna ask? Oh, well, come on.
I think everybody wants To know what it's like to play a woolly mammoth.
Really? Really? You really think that? So what are you gonna do? You're gonna ask the question, And then Regis- He's gonna hop up and down "hey, hey, big guy! "How'd you get so woolly? Huh? Can you make it woollier? I'm regis, and i want it woollier!" And that's gonna be time well-Spent.
Great.
Hey, whoa, buddy, what's- What's your problem? What do you care? What-What-Who are you? It doesn't matter who i am.
Just please back off the lady.
Oswald, it's okay.
No, look.
I mean, there are people out there Scrubbing toilets ten hours a day, Waiting tables, driving cabs, and look-Look at all you got.
And you're- You're standing here complaining When you should be thanking your lucky stars and shut up! Well,thank you.
Thank you that's what i need now- Advice from a gay milkman.
Thanks for sticking up for me.
You're welcome.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you all for coming To this emergency meeting of the knights of prosperity.
I, uh, know squatch informed you As to why i didn't want to rob Kelly Ripa.
You were hypnotized by her hoochie-Magoo.
Totally understandable.
I wouldn't have phrased it that way, But let's just say i'm over it, okay? I'm ready to get back on the horse.
So we can rob Kelly Ripa? No But we are robbing someone better- Someone more deserving to be robbed than Kelly Ripa, Someone who actually has the life of Oswald Montecristo But doesn't appreciate it someone who, i might add, Doesn't even own a hoochie-Magoo.
Who? Who we robbin'? Lady and gentlemen i give you our next target.
We robbin' ray romano? That's right.
And this time it's personal.
These giant photos are making us broke.
knights of prosperity We the knights, baby.